Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty V

Amaka was boiling.
She was on the verge of going stark, raving mad.
She was mad at God for making her an African woman, mad at the world for their ridiculous social norms and mad at her brother for asking her not to buy the car of her dreams!

“Buying a Range Rover will intimidate all the men you meet, buy one of those Toyota saloon cars instead…”

Why on earth were women so marginalized? Why did she have to lower her standards just because she wanted to be ‘in the market’?

This was not the first time it was happening to her. Two years ago she had wanted to move out of her parents’ house but they had resisted; their only reason being that a good woman married from her parents’ house and nobody wanted the sort of woman that lived alone.

Amaka really couldn’t take it anymore. Soon they would be asking her to pass up promotions and ask for a pay cut just because she wanted a friggin’ husband. Was this what the women who were her age and married had had to sacrifice? Was it an unwritten rule that for a woman to be socially acceptable she had to kill her dreams, clip her wings and succumb to the inferiority that her man’s ego demanded of her? She wasn’t sure she wanted to get married under these circumstances but even as she thought those traitorous thoughts, she knew that her mother would rather die than see her unmarried.

She had spent a full day with her mother praying on the mountain and had been pushed (under the anointing), baptized, anointed with oil, made to confess her association with mammy water, exorcised and prophesied upon and now she was supposed to be on a compulsory 7-day dry fast. Why did marriage have to be such a difficult goal to attain? Working hard or in this case being good, could not assure you a husband. There were girls she knew back in school who were serious ashewos but were now happily married with kids to well to do men. Secretly she wished that their men were vile creatures who punished them daily for their youthful sins but their happy faces on social media told a different story. She had developed a penchant for hearing and decoding married people’s gist. It was like deep down she needed to convince herself that marriage wasn’t all that since it was all her family ever talked about but the truth was marriage was as dicey as relationships. Some got it good, some got it bad but no one ever got it hitch-free.

Speaking of relationships, she thought of the new guy on her case. Daniel was fine, had an ok job and was soft spoken. She was starting to like him though she knew that she had to find out more about him first. She wondered if Daniel would like her driving a Range Rover, he hadn’t minded when he walked her to the taxi park the other day and he drove a 1999 Toyota Camry which had seen better days but she didn’t mind his car at all. He had dreams and there was nothing more attractive to her than a man who was a big dreamer because she strongly believed that people were a product of their dreams. She wondered if her new car would intimidate him. He was a good, hard-working man; just the kind of man her brother said the car would chase away but then again was he enough reason to put her dream car on hold? He had not even asked her out yet and this was their third date so technically they weren’t exclusive plus she had asked him about his long term goals and he had been vague especially where settling down was concerned. She thought about taking the bull by the horns like Bunmi was doing; Bunmi could definitely help her keep Daniel but she would wait first and see how the Bunmi-Tito drama played out before taking expert advice from her.

Her phone suddenly rang and she snapped out of her reverie.

“Hello…yes I am still interested in the car, will make the deposit tomorrow. Thanks”

Yep! The deed was done. Her new baby was coming whether the world thought it proper or not. She had worked hard and deserved to splurge a little and if for any reason she had to choose between Daniel and her Range Rover, Daniel would have to go- or she could always sell it!

“Sorry bro!”

…to be continued…

 

It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 9

Amaka had not seen this coming.

She had always picked her maids verrry carefully. They were not allowed to be yellow (because hubby liked light-skinned women), tall, endowed or even remotely beautiful. They wore uniforms to ensure that they didn’t dress seductively and she had made this foolproof by making doubly sure that she was the picture of pure feminity in sharp contrast to their plainness each and every day. How could her husband sleep with her every night and then still have time to sleep with that little, flat-chested rat?

She was the ideal wife. She never threatened his manhood; never nagged or quarreled, she cooked all his meals, was adventurous in the bedroom (she knew the karma sutra like the pope knew the bible) and always looked and smelt good. She had only failed in one respect; for five years now she had been unable to conceive. She had done three IVFs and they had failed. The doctor had told her to have faith that in some cases, it happened naturally. But really was that enough reason for a man whom she had given everything to disrespect her in such a manner? He had broken her heart, her spirit and her mind. She didn’t think she could ever forgive him.

She looked at Mamus and Toke and tried to make sense of their many words. She heard jazz and she shook her head. Chuka could not have been bewitched, it wasn’t possible. She was a prayerful woman; she refused to believe one Babalawo somewhere had the magic ingredient for breaking up her home. One of them had pointed out that the help could have gotten pregnant for someone else and was just blaming her husband because he was rich and successful and big, fat tears rolled down her eyes as she remembered the confrontation at home…

Chuka had not denied it. She had pleaded with him to tell her it wasn’t true but he had stayed mute, a crestfallen look in his eyes. How could he be such a dog? And that bloody b*tch, she wished she could wring her neck and snuff out the life from her pathetic body. How dare she? She was an ungrateful wretch if ever there was one and both she and Chuka were going to pay for this dagger they had plunged through her heart.

She got up suddenly.

“Where are you going?” Mamus asked with concern
“Home”
“Should we come with you?” Toke added
“No, I am fine. Thank you for listening. I have to deal with this on my own.”
“Please don’t do anything rash dear…”
“Thanks Mamus, I will try, thanks Toke…goodbye”

As she drove off, she saw the concern in their eyes and thought about how she had gone from having the perfect life and being the envy of all to being pitied. She had actually thought of concealing the matter but for her sanity’s sake she had sought out her friends. There was only so much that coffee could do. She picked up her phone and called her dad. He picked on the second ring. Ten minutes later she had downloaded her whole sob story to the one man who would kill for her and he had asked her to come stay with him for a while. As she dried her tears, she had gently turned down the offer. Yes, daddy was an ex-governor and liked to be in control of everything but this was her fight and just knowing her family had her back was enough for now. She knew her mum would be calling her soon and she put her phone on silent. She wasn’t ready for her just yet.

She drove to her house and was surprised to see three cars parked in the driveway. She had sent the maid packing this morning and expected her house to be quiet. The front door was unlocked and when she entered the living room, her mother in law, the maid, her husband, his close friend Gideon and two of her husband’s uncles were seated, obviously waiting for her.

“Good afternoon my daughter”

Amaka stared at her MIL for a couple of minutes and then finally responded.

Five minutes later, she had been coerced into sitting and listening to serious crap. It was like watching a Nollywood movie. They had apologized on her husband’s behalf and then asked her to please accept the new wife (WTF) and the unborn baby as hers. She scarcely heard anything after that. There were Igbo proverbs here and there, bible verses interspersed (imagine oh!) and vague, empty promises. She desperately needed some coffee and her hands quivered slightly- she wasn’t sure if it was the coffee craving or the loads of bull sh*t she had been listening to since she walked in through the door. She suddenly felt sick.

“Please excuse me” and without waiting for consent she dashed up the stairs and into her bedroom. The tears stung her eyes as she splashed cold water on her face. She had to be strong, had to be brave. She picked up her phone and sent a message to Irene, her travel agent.

‘Need a trip to someplace serene, book me a flight for tomorrow morning. Will be gone for two weeks, you know the visas on my passport so plan accordingly. Thanks’

She felt better afterwards.

Tonight she would be lodging at the most expensive hotel she could think of. She needed her sanity back, needed to be away from all this rubbish. She felt numb and as if in a trance began to pack a few clothes and personal effects into a small travel bag. She threw in her passport and zipped up the bag. She took a deep breath and walked down the stairs, plastic smile on her face.

“Mama I have heard everything you have all said, to err is human, to forgive divine. I am not divine unfortunately. I need time to think, please don’t try to contact me and I do not want this girl in my house.”

“It is my son’s house-“

Mama never finished what she was saying because Chuka who had been on the phone when I came downstairs rushed into the sitting room, a panic stricken look on his face.

“Amaka you can’t do this to me I beg you, please.”

He knelt down, tears in his eyes and I looked at him with a mixture of anger, disgust and immense sorrow.

“You should have thought of that when you f*cked the maid!”

Amaka walked out with her head held high and started her car engine. Just then she got a text message.

‘I just finished speaking with the bastard. I not only fired him but had my boys freeze his entire assets including his bank accounts. It’s my business and my money AND no one messes with my baby girl. Love you hon, please come home your mum is worried.’

She smiled, a small smile which was a first, considering the sort of day she had had. Nobody messed with daddy’s princess. She wasn’t going home however, she loved Chuka and even though an elaborate punishment was her plan for his betrayal, she was not about to let go of her marriage.

…for better for worse

To be continued…

 

Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty IV

Bunmi was sure Tito was the one.

Well it hadn’t been Kunle, Seun, Bariyu or Emmy so this was just a logical case of elimination!

Tito was the last man standing and she was basically tired of dating. All her friends were married with kids and she was tired of being the ‘aunty’. Most of her friends were no longer even called their names. They were either Mrs This or Mrs That or Mama Tolu or Mama Ngozi. She was tired of the match making too. She had been match made with every man there was, even her friends’ exes. Why God saw it fit to keep her single at thirty was hard to fathom.

The name calling wasn’t even funny. Old cargo, akugbe, big girl, older woman in fact sooner or later they’d be referring to her as ‘elderly’. Geez. Thank God for Tito. Yea he wasn’t faithful but at least he was fine, successful, hard-working and ready to settle. The thing was for some reason he hadn’t put a ring on it despite the fact that she had only agreed to date him because he had said he was ready for marriage. Naija men could teach the devil a thing or two about telling lies geez!

Now she had devised a plan. She named it OPERATION P.A.R.O.I (Put A Ring On It). It was just too bad that her sidekicks Amaka and Fikayo were not in support. Well they would be sorry when she sold them aso ebi at the end of the year. Tito didn’t stand a chance. He would be begging to be her husband by the time she was done.

She had eliminated the competition and that was just the beginning. Next on her agenda was to get him to announce her to the world. She was talking bbm, Facebook, instagram, his office, his church, his extended family. Tito’s birthday was around the corner and she had a plan…

She knew his younger sister was getting married next month but he was yet to invite her and seeing as she was his only sister, she knew all his friends were going to be there and the wedding would get great social media coverage, now she had to find a way of getting herself not only invited but decked in family asoebi. She picked up her tablet and scrolled through Tito’s Facebook page till she found his sister on his friend’s list. She added her on Facebook and then sent her a message.

“Hi dear,
This is Tito’s girlfriend Bunmi. Congrats on your upcoming wedding dear. Tito and I are so excited. I bought you a really lovely Marc Jacobs reception dress with shoes to match. I hope you haven’t gotten a reception dress yet, I was hoping you and I could meet up for dinner one of these days so I can give it to you, I know you will be mad busy in a couple of weeks as the D-day draws closer. Please don’t tell Tito I contacted you, he wants to introduce me formerly at your wedding, I just needed to give you this early wedding present. Buzz me soon.
Xxx
Bunmi”

She read it, smiled and pressed ‘send’ before she had a re-think. She hoped the girl would come with asoebi so she wouldn’t have to bring it up. Meanwhile she had a phone call to make.

“Hello”
“Hi dearie”
“You know how I said I would one day need that favour you promised?”
“Bunmi Kai what do you need?”
“Don’t worry I know you can deliver. I need a Marc Jacobs dress with a pair of shoes to match for a wedding. Actually the bride’s second dress and I want it to be fabulous.”
“You are getting married? *screammmm”
“No not yet hon, it’s for my future sister in law”
“Are you sure you wanna spend that kinda money because I am looking at the perfect ensemble and it costs 6 figures”
“Great, I will take it on credit. Ask your girl to wrap it up and send to my office today”
“We don’t sell on credit madam”
“And that’s the favour you owe me. A size 8 dress and size 6 shoes BTW. Thanks hon, kisses”

I cut the phone before Amina could change her mind. I knew she would deliver. She owed me big time. I was the only one on this planet who knew that her precious son did not belong to her precious husband. I was great at keeping secrets and she knew that.

Now I know you are wondering how I knew Tito’s sister’s sizes? Well I have a penchant for that sort of thing and I had some help. Apparently the babe loves to shop online and I read some of her comments on fashion pages on Facebook where she kept asking if they had the dress in size 8 or the shoes in size 6. Omo, people had their entire lives on social media nowadays…

3 hours later.

“Dear Bunmi,
You really must be Tito’s best kept secret. I am so excited he has a serious girlfriend now. Here’s my BlackBerry pin, 26ba77f. Add me on bbm so we can chat more, I don’t do Facebook so often. Can’t wait to see the dress. I know you haven’t been introduced formally to the family but I am gonna keep 6 yards of asoebi for you at no extra cost.
Take care dear,
Tosan”

Bunmi grinned. By the time she was done, Tito would have no idea what hit him. She thought of the 120k she owed Amina and dialed Tito’s number.

“Hi baby”
“Hi dear, how are you?”
“Not too good hon, I am in a bit of trouble. I need 120k urgently to pay for something but my salary isn’t coming till the end of the month and I am totally broke. Please help me baby, I will pay you asap.”
“Babe you know I would have loved to help you but with my sister’s wedding coming I am so cleaned out right now”
“Please Tito, I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important. Please I have no one else to turn to, besides you know you owe me after you cancelled the Ibadan trip…”
“…sigh. OK babe, will see what I can do”
“Thanks dear, love you and to show my appreciation I am gonna make you your favorite amala and ewedu soup with ogufe and guess what’s for dessert?”
Tito laughed a naughty laugh and then she made kissy sounds over the phone before hanging up.

She wished he was that malleable where putting a ring on her finger was concerned. Anyway her plan was bound to work. That evening just as she was leaving work, she got the credit alert. They were her very best type of text messages. Tito had come through for her. She used the mobile banking app on her phone to deftly transfer the money to Amina.

She smiled…mission accomplished and this was just the beginning…

…To be continued

 

Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty III

 

Fikayo couldn’t believe her friends were going on and on about thirty like it was a plague. She had just turned thirty and she felt fabulous. In her opinion, thirty was the new twenty. She checked out her outfit in the mirror and smiled. She had a great figure, extra pounds aside and she had a date with a man who tickled her brain intellectually. He was hot, accomplished and suave and they were in no mood to hurry things. Tonight they were going to have a long conversation over a very expensive bottle of wine at a luxurious wine bar and giggle like high-schoolers and then her date was going to walk her to her car, kiss her goodnight and watch as she sped on home. She didn’t care that he might want something more from her; she didn’t stop to think for a second that he could be husband material. No she was long past the phase where every man who as much as walked past her was a potential mate.

She picked up the bottle of her signature scent and smiled. What wasn’t there to love about turning thirty? The new decade had brought with it an appreciation of the finer things in life. She had spent her twenties hustling, working long hours for horrible bosses and getting pay that wasn’t nearly enough. Now she was a small madam at the office, having paid her dues and could go and come as she pleased with all the perks. In her twenties she had focused on meeting the right men and keeping track of myriads of friends but now she realized that quality trumped quantity every time. She had only a select few that she called friends and they valued her just as much as she valued them and now she saw that husband aside; there was no person as important as the family God had given her. She saw her parents become her friends and looked forward to evenings spent with them. Her mother’s concern for her single status was born out of love and a longing for grandchildren but the woman always calmed down when she held her in her arms and said “Mother, He makes all things beautiful in His time”.

And the men…in her twenties she had learnt lessons for a lifetime- From books, from others and the unforgettable personal experiences. She remembered Thomas, the guy who had stolen her heart at 27, their love had been beautiful but alas, it had not stood the test of time. Thomas had wanted a child before wedlock and she had refused to oblige despite the pleas of he and his parents. She hadn’t wanted to be married for the wrong reasons and Thomas had mournfully exited her life. She remembered how long it took the hole in her heart to fill up, she had asked God why so many times but the thing is life really was funny. Now she wouldn’t even consider marrying Thomas. He was perfect for Fikayo at 27 but absolutely wrong for Fikayo at 30. She shuddered to think about what would have happened if she had married him at 27. Would they have drifted apart as she evolved or would she have failed to evolve into this beautiful, self-assured person who knew exactly what her purpose was on this earth because her wings had been cut in the name of marriage? She felt a certain sadness for women who had felt pressured into marrying before 30, they would never understand this. Now the men who came into her life realized soon that she was not to be put in the box labeled ‘Thirty and searching’. They stayed because they were intrigued by her, because they enjoyed her company and were wowed by her blatant unawareness of the social expectations of this modern age. She only spent her evenings with people who added value to her; memorable conversations, shared laughs and exciting adventures. She no longer had to endure a boring conversation because ‘he may be the one’ or put up with his conceit and vain talk because ‘he was considered husband material’. She had done all of that in her twenties and look how that turned out.

She chuckled to herself as her phone buzzed. It was time for her date and she felt so serene. She said a prayer by her bed before slipping on her shoes and she picked up her car keys she thought of God, the one person who had been with her every step of the way-Through the heart aches, the fun times and the uncertainties. He was really the one who boosted her confidence because a long time ago when she was in a dark place he had said unto her “I know the thoughts I have towards you, thoughts of good and not evil, to bring you to an expected end…” She knew that that expected end would be fabulous. She didn’t care about the journey anymore, if she was going to be married then she was going to be married to the very best man there was for her. She wasn’t gonna settle because she was the daughter of a king. Tonight she would focus on the pleasures of dating after thirty. She turned on the radio and sang loudly as she drove into the sunset…I gotta feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good night…

…to be continued

 

Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty II

Amaka seethed as she tried to block out the animated chatter filtering in from the kitchen.

“What happened to the other guy na, the one that worked in that bank and drove ochuzo?”

“She didn’t like him either oh. And he was so nice, used to call me everyday.”

If only you knew Emeka was a cheat and a liar

“Hian! How about Mazi Eze’s son, the one in Amerikah?”

“She said he wasn’t her type of person, biko that girl is driving me mad”

Mum you wouldn’t be so mad if I told you he was a 419 boy, but if I told you Aunt Chichi would hear and soon the whole village including Mazi Eze would know what their son was up to!

“My dear, you need to talk sense into her oh. Does she not realize she is over thirty? Her mates have given their mothers five grandchildren”

Five ke? Aunty Chichi can exaggerate for Africa chei!

“I plan to take her for special prayers in church this week. Talk to her too na, she is your favorite niece, maybe she will listen to you”

“I will try. Meanwhile have you bought the wrapper for Mama Nkechi’s daughter’s wedding?”

At this point, she got up, walked out of the house and wasn’t a tad bothered that the rickety door had slammed shut on her way out. Being thirty wasn’t a sin, as far as she was concerned it was the best year of her life except for her man-less state but that had been ongoing since she was 28 so she was used to tables for one. She sat down in the shade and started making a mental note of all the great things about being thirty.

1. Great job

2. I don’t live at home anymore

3. Drive a fancy car

4. Self-assured and can enjoy my own company

5. Have a career

6. Freedom

7. Money in the bank

8. Few, good friends (most frenemies have been eliminated)

9. More spiritual (God seems to be the only one that really gets me)

10. Wiser (made most of my mistakes in life and learnt from them especially where men are concerned)

Thirty was a great age if she did say so herself. There were downsides and she reluctantly conjured a list of some of them in her head.

1. Most of your friends are married and now act like aliens

2. Your family is constantly on your neck to get married

3. You are marginalized and treated differently because you are single. (Amaka remembered the day the doorman at a new restaurant in Lekki had refused to allow her in just because she was unaccompanied by a man. For heaven’s sake eating alone wasn’t a crime, as long as she could foot her bills and she sure as hell wasn’t man-hunting)

4. The chronic bridesmaid/asoebi buyer

5. Guys feel you are desperate for marriage and try to use that to play a fast one on you or expect you to lower your standards because of it and even your friends feel you are too picky. (sigh..,)

6. Sometimes it gets lonely. (Like when she had malaria and had to take care of herself alone in her apartment)

Well thankfully her list didn’t run to 10, so obviously there were more pros to being 30 than cons. She thought of the last two suitors she had shoved aside. The ones her mum and aunt had been discussing.

Emeka had stolen her heart completely. He had a sexy baritone that made shivers run down her spine and he shared her love for art. They had had so many fun times together and she was a hundred percent  99% percent sure he was the one until she had asked to hang out with him one fateful day and he had been forced to let the cat (cat being his girlfriend of 6 years) out of the bag. She had been devastated to put it mildly and was very close to giving up on love but she had eventually moved on. She was a mature woman and she couldn’t let a man, no matter how dreamy he was, break her. She had learnt a valuable lesson after that: ALWAYS ASK IF HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AFTER HE OFFERS TO BUY YOU A DRINK! Straight talk, no chasers. She was a grown woman and grown women didn’t waste time with men who wanted to play games.

Then there was Okezi, Mazi Eze’s illustrious son and the pride of the village who had caught her eye and she his, during the Christmas break. He was a tall, light skinned brother with a foreign accent and a very successful business abroad. He had wined and dined her and her dear mama had started picking out wrappers for the wedding. Thankfully she had asked her friend Kanyin to do a background check on the guy, she was actually looking for secret girlfriends but what Kanyin uncovered made the possibility of another woman the least of her problems. Nna the dude was a scammer, 419 yahoo boy. He was popular in Europe and probably on a ‘Wanted list’ somewhere. She hadn’t even bothered confronting him, she had heard many stories of the lengths criminals would go to protect their true identities and she didn’t want to be in harm’s way all on top toasting matter. She had severed the ties abruptly and the guy had spent the rest of the holiday serenading her mum. She just wasn’t interested shikena!

She wanted to be married, really she did- but she didn’t want to have to lower her standards or settle for less just to be called Mrs Somebody. She wanted love and happiness and if she had to wait another ten years for it, she would. She got up and decided to go for a run, if she was gonna wait ten years for her man then he was gonna meet her looking as sexy as she was twenty years before.

“Time to burn off the calories from that ofe akwu”

…To be  continued…

 

Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty.

 

Bunmi rolled her eyes as Tito cheered loudly. It wasn’t even a goal. She had been rehearsing the speech in her head since he got home from work. She didn’t wanna sound like a jealous, insecure girlfriend. Since she turned 30, she had become acutely aware that everything she did where men were concerned suddenly had new meaning. A 30 and unmarried woman was one of the anomalies of life according to Aunty Shola. She rolled her eyes again. Just when she thought Tito was the one, now this…

“GOALLLLLLLL…..”

“Okay that’s it! I have been waiting for you to say something but since you are going to act as if nothing happened, I am outta here!”

“No, no, no- really, I was just about to tell you everything- GOALLL!-”

“…just after I finish watching the match baby”

Bunmi had had it, this was ridiculous. She snatched the remote and switched off the TV

“This is more important Tito, it affects us directly.”

“Arsenal affects me directly too! Besides why are you making such a fuss? I already told you the lipstick probably belongs to Bisi my cousin’s friend. I gave her a lift yesterday; she was going to her B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D! Ah.”

Bunmi could see Tito was angry, she had clearly crossed the line but so had he when she discovered lipstick in his car!

“How come I have never met this Bisi girl and I read your messages yesterday; why on earth were you asking her if she got home safe? Why is she even on your BBM?”

“Chillout Bunmi, really you are overreacting. This girl is like a little sister to me, I was just being friendly besides she isn’t even half as beautiful as you. Wouldn’t I have ‘passworded’ my phone if I had something to hide? Come here my ololufe, you know you are my one and only…”

Bunmi squealed as Tito grabbed her, his lips claiming hers. She pretended to struggle but soon her straight face was sporting a huge grin and she squealed as Tito tickled her. The boy was cute sha, she definitely could see herself marrying this man. For the sake of her sanity she hoped he was telling the truth.

Five hours later

Bunmi tiptoed into the bedroom. Tito was fast asleep and snoring, she got into bed and turned off the bedside lamp and was just about to snuggle into Tito’s sleeping frame when his phone beeped.

Who on earth would be pinging Tito after midnight? She silently wondered. She stealthily stretched out her hand to pick up Tito’s phone from the bedside table on his side of the bed, making sure she didn’t wake him.

Blackberry messenger:

Bisi: Hey hun are you awake?

“What rubbish why is this same Bisi honey-ing my man?” Bunmi covered her mouth when she realized she had spoken out loud and then watched Tito intently to see if he was still asleep. She smiled to herself as a thought crossed her mind. She hastily began to type a message on Tito’s phone, his loud snores gave her courage.

Tito: Yes Bisi, how are you?

Bisi: Why so formal? LOL. I missed you. Baby I forgot my lipstick in your car yesterday.

Bunmi gasped. BABY?!!!

Tito: Yes you did. You almost got me into trouble you know I have a girlfriend.

Bunmi smiled. Gotchaaa!

Bisi: Yes I do but can’t wait for her to be history baby. I hope you will break up with her when you guys travel to Ibadan just as you promised oh. I don’t like sharing my man, I miss you soooo much 😦 😦 😦

Bunmi couldn’t believe her eyes. WTF!!! The son of a ??? Arghhhh! She picked up a pillow intent on strangling Tito in his sleep. Then she paused midway and smiled; there were one thousand ways to die….

Tito: Yes dear, that’s still the plan but there is something serious I need to ask you…

Bisi: Don’t tell me you want to propose over BBM, Tito!!!  🙂 🙂 😉

Bunmi hissed, Ode!!!

Tito: No I prefer the old fashioned way. There’s an issue that has been weighing heavily on my mind, even making me lose weight because I can’t sleep and I can’t eat.

Bisi: Baby, I thought it was all the wahala that your girlfriend was giving you that was making you lose weight. What’s the matter luv?

Tito: Do you love me?

Bisi: With my heart and soul, I would do anything for you.

Tito: I haven’t been feeling well and after I dropped you yesterday I went to seek help.

Bisi: Is it malaria? If you need me to come and take care of you I will come.

Tito: It isn’t malaria, Bisi do you love me?

Bisi: Tito you are acting strange of course I love you. What’s wrong with you?

Tito: I am dying.

Bisi: God forbid. What did the doctor say?

Tito: I didn’t go to the hospital. Bisi I am going to be dead in a week.

Bisi: Jesus! How? Why? What do you have? Cancer? Tito no, don’t tell me this.

Tito: Not cancer, remember how it was after I got that promotion and bought this house and my second car that I met you? Well I joined a secret cult- The Eternal Mystical Order of Glorious Darkness in the Ogboni Fraternity. They are responsible for my wealth and success but I haven’t kept my end of the bargain. They want the blood of the woman I love and the woman must be someone who loves me just as much. I am supposed to make love to her during our meeting after which her hair will be shaved and she will have to drink a full cup of her own blood. Baby I chose you because no one makes me feel the way you do; you can do this for us can’t you? They won’t kill you, it will be just a small cut and it will make us richer. I will marry you baby and you will only have to repeat this every 3 months for the rest of our lives but other than sacrificing our first born we will be free to enjoy our wealth forever…Bisi are you there? I know it’s a small price to pay but…

Bisi: Oloshi! In your life do not ever contact me again. May you burn in hell! My own blood ke? I am deleting you from my BBM and my life, God punish you!

Bunmi stifled a laugh as the chat disappeared, she double checked to make sure Bisi had deleted Tito. She scrolled through Tito’s phone till she found Bisi’s phone number and hastily composed a text.

“Dear Bisi, please do not disclose the details of our conversation to anyone as long as you live or even discuss it ever again with me. It is taboo for those words to be repeated and the penalty is instant, irreversible and total madness. I understand that you do not love me enough to make the sacrifice but keep this secret to your dying day for your own safety.”

Bunmi deleted the message as soon as it was delivered and quietly returned Tito’s phone.

“That will teach you not to mess with my man! Hiss…”

With a big, triumphant smile she fell asleep, with her arm possessively around Tito.

 

The next morning she woke up to an empty bed and frowned when she remembered last night’s escapade. She walked cautiously into the living room not sure what to expect and there was Tito fiddling with his phone, a gloomy expression on his face.

“Morning darling, why so sad?” Bunmi gave him her very brightest smile.

“Nothing”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s nothing really, just that one of my business partners deleted me from BBM last night and won’t pick my calls or return my texts and we had important business to do together. Don’t know what I did to anger the person.”

“Maybe God doesn’t want you to do business with the person, don’t worry dear, the DEVIL IS A LIAR! Are you hungry? I’ll make us some pancakes!”

She pecked him on the cheek and started humming as she walked towards the kitchen, aware of Tito’s eyes following her; she knew the precise look he had on his face. Confusion! Well he would never know… It wasn’t her fault really; this was simply one of the perils of dating after thirty. Any other age and she would have dumped his sorry ass but now his pros definitely outweighed his cons so she would watch him. They were going to Ibadan in a few days, she’d see about his plan to dump her now that there was no Bisi! Hiss…

 

To be continued…

*For my friend O…xxx

 

It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 8

This was a mess and frankly it couldn’t get any worse.

Mamus had just caught me lip-locking her ex-fiance. Ex didn’t make it any better and the icing on the damn cake was that she had come into the room with guess who? If you thought Barry then you are an evil person geez! Anyway it’s not like you were that off the mark, she walked in with Ifedayo, Barry’s nosy P.A who happened to have a message for me from my hubby.

This was bad…Azeez seemed annoyingly unperturbed! I needed to fix this like yesterday. I slapped Azeez hard. I swear this slapping thing never gets old. Azeez howled, his eyes round like saucers but thankfully he was too stunned to thwart my plans. Mamus seemed shocked and Ifedayo jumped, he didn’t do much to hide the smirk on his face.

“How dare you Azeez? Mamus imagine this useless man, he walks into my house asking me to help get you back and the next minute he is jumping me like a hungry ape. Hisssssssss”

I held my breath…

Ifedayo didn’t look convinced but for now he was small fry. I needed Mamus on my side.

“Azeez I am ashamed of you, please leave now.”

I had never seen Mamus like this. She seemed eerily calm and Azeez obeyed her immediately without even looking at me. When he got to the door he looked at Mamus and with a voice that sounded very sincere though you can never tell with Naija men, he apologized to her and then left.

Mamus walked to the bar and poured herself a drink. I took a deep breath and faced Ifedayo.

“Come with me Ifedayo, Mamus please excuse me.”

I picked up my purse on my way out.

“What was the message you had for me?”

“Oga said the man that wants to service the generator will be coming at 12.30 instead of 4pm and he couldn’t reach you on the phone so he sent me to come and tell you so you don’t leave the house before the generator man comes.”

“OK thank you…Take this…”

I handed Ifedayo twenty thousand naira.

“What is this for madam?”

“That man in there would have raped me if you and my friend hadn’t walked in. I am just showing my gratitude. You know we women couldn’t have stopped him but once he saw another man he had to stop. Also I wouldn’t want your oga to hear about this because he has a heart condition and this might kill him if he doesn’t kill that man first.”

“AH, Olorun maje oh. Ese ma. I promise that oga will not hear a word about this but ma please be careful oh. The world is wicked.”

“Thank you, take care.”

As he walked away I took another deep breath. This was Lagos for crying out loud. I knew Ifedayo hadn’t bought a word of what I had said but he would not spill because I had paid for his silence besides this wasn’t such an uncommon occurrence after all, I was sure he had seen worse.

I know you are wondering how I got here. How I became part of the large percentage of majorly undetected, Lagos married women who were having extra -marital affairs? God knows I tried to resist Azeez but damn that guy had all my mumu buttons and he was bloody persistent. I think the turning point was when Mamus had called off the wedding three weeks ago. Yes, I had been having an affair for three whole weeks. Barry hadn’t suspected a thing because I was if anything, more loving, caring and attentive now and no, I did not do all those cliche infidelity things like buying new lingerie. Mamus too hadn’t suspected a thing because she was too blissfully in love with Gerald coupled with the drama and gossip that ensues after a wedding is called off. Speaking of Mamus, let me give you her gist. After weeks and weeks at the gym, Mamus had lost tons of weight and gone down to a size 14 (there wasn’t enough time to get to her beloved 12). She had set up a meeting with Gerald while Azeez was outta town and the hours before the meeting I had hooked her up with a stylist, a makeup artist, the works. Mamus looked like a yummy mamalet. According to her Gerald had barely recognized her and couldn’t stop staring, they had had a nice evening and when he hugged her goodnight, she had kissed him. She swears the alcohol gave her Dutch courage and that she had carried a knife in her purse to slit her wrists if he had rejected her advances (yeah right). Anyway he hadn’t rejected her. Apparently Mamus had always had his heart and now they were a couple. Azeez had been hurt when she broke off the engagement or rather his ego was wounded as he always imagined he would be the one breaking things up if that ever happened. He had come after me with a vengeance, what was a poor girl like me to do ehn?

I walked back into the house. I couldn’t stand outside day dreaming much longer. I didn’t want Mamus to come outside and make a scene before the whole estate would be discussing me at dinner. I closed the door and Mamus got off the phone. I figured she had already reported me to Gerald sweetheart. Geez!

“For how long has this been going on?”
“Mamus I am so sorry…”
“FOR HOW LONG?”
“Barely a week, it wasn’t what it looked like…”
“Toke do not lie to me”

Sigh…Mamus was one of my closest friends and she deserved the truth. I told her about how Azeez had been my one true love but fate had kept us apart and how I had had nothing to do with him till after she broke up with him. Well that was basically it! I held my breath.

“I have two questions for you Toke. One, did you advise me to break up with him because you wanted him? And two, what is gonna happen to Barry?”

“Of course not Mamus, I advised you to break up because it was obvious your heart was with Gerald I swear. I love Barry Mamus, I know it may seem like such a joke now but getting caught with Azeez brought me back to reality. I don’t wanna lose my marriage please…”

“You should have thought of that when you started cheating on your husband. Gosh I can’t believe you were the other woman my instincts kept shouting about, the one I was so sure had Azeez’s heart. SO much for friendship.”

“Please forgive me Mamus, I should have told you about my past with Azeez, maybe that would have helped keep my feelings in check. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“Forgive I shall, but it would be quite hard to trust you again. You hurt me Toke, I am not gonna lie about that. Barry is a good man and I hope for your sake that your act of infidelity does not ruin your marriage. You don’t deserve him anyway.”

Ouch…I deserved that sha. I hung my head in shame.

“I am sorry for hurting you with my actions Mamus”

Just then Amaka burst into the room, tears in her eyes. She looked like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

“What’s the matter Amaka?” Mamus and I asked in unison, concern written all over our faces. Our quarrel momentarily forgotten.

“My husband has impregnated our maid…”

“Jesus!!!” Mamus and I exclaimed.

Just then I got a text message. I glanced at the phone and froze…

“YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY MUCH HARDER THAN THAT TO GET RID OF ME LUV, WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS! STILL HAVE A HARD-ON…X”

I clenched my fist, e gba mi oh! “Father Lord help me”, I whispered.

….To be continued….

 

It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 7

Mamus was angry, she bit her lower lip as she tugged at the dress. It’s too damn small, she seethed. Nothing fit right, it was all so frustrating. She cussed loudly and I was forced to pay attention. I had been doing a great job ignoring the tantrums she had been throwing all morning. I had a lot on my mind and the constant whining of this bridezilla was lost on me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked in my best concerned voice. It wasn’t my fault she had gained a ton of weight in the past few weeks. I had tried to get her to go to the gym but she wouldn’t budge and she had a penchant for size 12 dresses that reminded her of the days when she was a skinny, hot babe.

“Everything’s wrong!” and she burst into tears. This was a bit much really. My intuition told me this wasn’t about the dress. Mamus wasn’t usually such a drama queen.

“What’s the matter hon?”

“It’s Azeez. I feel too old for him and worse still I feel he is only marrying me because he can’t be with the person he wants to be with. I know I sound crazy but I feel this in my guts!”

“Mamus we can’t keep doing this. Marriage is a choice and at your age you do not have to settle. If you don’t think Azeez will make you happy then don’t marry him!”

“I know Toke but it isn’t that easy and to make matters worse I bumped into Gerald last week and he said I had added weight…” Mamus burst into fresh wails and I groaned.

“Please don’t cry, who is Gerald for Pete’s sake and how dare he comment about your weight?” hiss

“Gerald was my husband’s lawyer. I fell in love with him some years after my husband died. He was so supportive but I guess he never saw me as more than a friend. He made that remark because we were always honest with each other and would tease each other mercilessly. He helped me get back on my feet when my husband died and my son sees him as a second father. He doesn’t know how I feel about him…” more sobs.

“How you feel about him or how you felt about him? I thought you loved Azeez?”

“I do love Azeez but the love I feel for him is a gentle, good feeling. Gerald on the other hand gives me butterflies and makes my heart race.”

“I can’t believe I am about to say this seeing as we are at a bridal shop, shopping for your wedding to Azeez but why the hell did you never try to seduce Gerald? Was he unavailable? The way I see it, you could have been married to Gerald ages ago, men rarely have female friends, they just have females who are their friends because it is not proper to make them more at the time.”

Mamus was silent and seemed lost in thought.

“He talked sometimes of his family abroad and when I teased him about his love life he always said he had no time for women so I just assumed that included me and that he probably had a wife he devoted that time to.”

“Never ever assume babe”

“So what do I do now?”

“Make a decision, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Azeez would not appreciate a second divorce.”

“How did you know about his divorce?”

“Facebook of course!”

“Oh, I should visit these social networks more sha”

That was close! I wondered if Azeez would appreciate me sabotaging his wedding. It wasn’t personal I swear, but if Mamus had a choice not to be married to the man I couldn’t get out of my head, I was definitely going to explore that option with her.

“Mamus you have four months to the wedding. The next two months you are going to spend at the gym getting back in shape. Then the third month you are gonna find Gerald and see if this thing is mutual which gives you one month before D-day to either call off the wedding or focus on it heart, body and soul. I know it’s a gamble and you risk hurting Azeez but you owe it to yourself to get married without shoulda, woulda, couldas!”

“I only have one objection, can I lose the weight in one month instead of two?”

“Sure. But it will take some serious discipline and determination.”

“Right. Thanks Toke. You are really a Godsend”

Just then a text came into my phone.

‘Heard your husband is out of town, I will be waiting for you when you get home. There are so many things I wanna do to you…hurry back. A‘

I gasped. Which kain wahala be this one?

“Are you alright dear?”

“Y…yes, Barry just sent me a weird text about stuff happening at his work place, nothing major”

“Ok let’s get out of here, I am starving”

I followed her meekly. A chant on repeat in my head; ‘Get thee behind me Azeez, my marriage is covered with the blood of Jesus’ Chei!!!

…….to be continued……

 

It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 6

I opened my mouth and closed it again and then opened it again. I must have looked like a fish gulping large volumes of air in quick succession. I was frantic. Words failed me. I looked around for the nearest exit. The room was too quiet. A show down was definitely about to go down! I could feel the sweat on my brow.
‘OK snap out of it Modinat; there’s nothing Toke can’t handle!’
The quiet encouragement by the diva in my head helped me switch persona remarkably fast given the fact that I was about to wet my pants.

“Mamus I think we should have this talk in private.”

My response was short, calm but confident. I had definitely regained control. Acting so cool would surely make Mamus have a rethink. Mamus seemed to blush, she was obviously not expecting that. Geez, polite society was so different from the back streets where I’d grown up.

“Y..you are right dear! Forgive my ill-manners, love does make us do some foolish things. Hahaha…Let’s talk outside. Excuse us ladies”

Her nervous laughter and forced cheerfulness didn’t have me fooled for one second. Something serious was about to go down. The others were quiet but looked both curious and disappointed. I guess every one loved a cat fight. I flashed them a wry smile as I followed behind Mamus. Nothing prepared me for what happened next.

“I am really sorry Toke but I am going out of my mind. Azeez has asked me to marry him but I think he is still in love with an ex. I have tried to do my research and find out more about her but she was in his life a very long time ago. He refuses to talk about her and asks me not to worry but I can’t help worrying. I have been single for so long and to now allow a man into my life, I have to be sure he won’t mess up. All I know about the woman is that her name is Modinat!”

She paused for air and I looked at her incredulously. Was she toying with me?

“How do you know her name?”

“He called me her name by accident one day while we were laughing hard about something. I asked him who Modinat was and he denied saying the name. I let it go but I am convinced that’s her name. I don’t wanna live a lie but in all fairness we are great together and I know he cares deeply for me. I am just scared that if this woman ever comes back into his life, I may not win if he has to make a choice. That’s why I need your help. Please don’t deny it but I think you know more about Azeez than you are letting on. Please help a friend here.”

I couldn’t believe I was about to tell a big, fat lie…

“Honestly Mamus, I don’t know Azeez. After I saw him at your house, I went snooping on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I know I shouldn’t have but you are my friend and I have to watch out for you and you are obviously smitten by him. That’s how I got the extra info I have. I could show you my ipad so you could check my browser history for the stuff I looked at after I left your house that night. I was a real Inspector Gadget. Sorry babe, didn’t mean to pry but really I don’t know much, at least not more than you.”

Mamus laughed half-heartedly.

“Ok I won’t lie, I am a little relieved because it took me a while to work up the courage to ask you cos I was so afraid of what I would hear but I am also a little disappointed because the mystery still remains unsolved. Do you think I should ask Amaka to use her father’s connections to investigate him?”

“Nooooo!!! That’s a very bad idea. What if he finds out? He would never forgive you for not trusting him. Besides I have seen you guys together and I think what you have is for real but remember that marriage is a big deal. I wouldn’t want you going into it with doubts so you need to sort this out in your head before taking the big step. How are things with you guys at the moment?”

“Fine actually. Azeez is such a romantic and I feel thoroughly cared for. I guess you are right. I won’t mention it to Amaka. Please let’s keep this between us. I guess I am just being paranoid. You know I am not as young and sexy as I used to be hahaha”

I felt like crap. Mamus was my friend. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Now I knew how Judas felt. I hoped I wouldn’t end up hanging myself.

“Toke I am so blessed to have a friend like you. Thanks for always having my back. Love you babe”

Mamus hugged me and tears stung my eyes. I was a good person and I was going to prove it. I hugged her back with a new resolve. Azeez was history.

“One more thing babe. I know the others are gonna kill me but would you do me the honor of being my maid of honor?”

I froze. Kai karma’s a b*tch. This was gonna be harder than I anticipated.

“I would love to dear.”

She hugged me again and I could have sworn I heard laughter from heaven. Even the angels were laughing at me. I was in big trouble!

…….to be continued…..

 

It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 5

Modinat knew in that instance that he was going to kiss her. The unmistakable tilt of his chin and that dark, smouldering look in his eyes caused her tummy to lurch and she knew she had a choice; close her eyes and give in to the heady emotion or step away. There was no time to think…

“What is it babe?” He asked softly with the confusion that comes with getting mixed signals from a person you want so bad.
“I…I can’t. I am married and you are engaged!”
“But what we have transcends time and ties, I know you feel it just as strongly as I do”
“I feel nothing Azeez, we are not teenagers. This is crazy!”

Azeez grabbed my waist with a sudden aggression his breathe ragged in my ear.
“I will have you Modinat, I swear to you. Making you mine shall be my life’s mission…”
He kissed me deeply and with my thoughts in a maze of shock and unbridled passion I did the first thing that popped into my head.
“Ow!”
“That’s for kissing me without my permission”
He grinned and rubbed his cheek in a way that was all too distracting. I turned and walked towards my car. I needed to be home with my husband.
“I am moving into your neighborhood hon, I hope you won’t get into the habit of slapping your neighbour…”
His deep chuckle was the last thing I heard as I drove off in a hurry.

******************************************************************

“Having connections is koko in Naija”
Amaka smiled at my remark. Siki’s husband had been picked up and harassed by her father’s men and then he had signed an agreement never to come near her again. He hadn’t resisted and was just grateful to be allowed to leave without any permanent scars. We had all been shocked to realise that he wasn’t her ex. Siki had never divorced him. If the guy was more influential he could have made an issue out of it but instead he came after her. Siki was just a big bag of secrets. Almost as bad as I was lol. We waited patiently for her to be strong enough to talk while speculating about why she would choose to be a bigamist seeing as it was against the law. The only reason we could think of was the physical abuse. We watched over our friend like mother hens and her husband was grateful for the support. Siki could see the questions in our eyes but she was assured of our devotion and support. We were friends and friends stuck together no matter what. Which was of course one of the main reasons I couldn’t have anything to do with Azeez. I hadn’t seen him since that night but the way Mamus was carrying on, I knew she was in love and happy. I couldn’t take that away from her. There was also my Barry. The only real love of my life. That man’s love and devotion made hurting him a bizarre thought. He made me feel safe, secure and wanted and there was no way I was going to give up my marriage for a tall, dark stranger. There were too many stakes involved.

One bright Saturday morning Mamus, Zainab, Amaka and I were sitting around Siki’s bed making small talk when she took a deep breath and told us she was ready to tell us the story we were all itching to hear.

Siki’s story:
“Sometimes one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life. I met Wasiu at a party in Lagos some years ago. He looked nice and talked like he was somebody and we felt the attraction immediately. Wasiu had told me he worked in an oil company and I had been blown away by the car he drove and his sweet tongue. We started dating soon after and I tried to be a good girl for him. I never asked him for money because I had all the money I could want from the business deals I did and I didn’t stress him in anyway. Our love was a fairytale and one day he asked me to marry him. He told me straight up that he didn’t believe in big weddings and that a court wedding with dinner afterwards with a few friends was his ideal wedding. I agreed. I didn’t need a big wedding anyway. I had visited him in the modest apartment he shared with his friend a couple of times and when asked about the modesty, he had told me he was almost done building his house in lekki and didn’t want to waste money paying for an expensive apartment. The day I became Mrs Ajibade the truth began to unfold. We had skipped the honeymoon because he had to be at work and soon after I had settled in the modest apartment with his friend as a flatmate based on the premise that his mansion was almost complete. In two weeks being the sharp babe I was, I began to get suspicious. He never brought his car home, one excuse after another. He was always broke though he blamed that on his mansion in progress and he was always fast to ask me for money. The love began to wane and one day I confronted him. I asked him to tell me the truth and the truth was shocking. He was a driver for a big shot who worked in an oil company, he had no house anywhere and he was currently squatting with his friend cos he hadn’t had money for rent due to some other pressing issues. I had almost fainted.  I shouted and cursed and insulted him. I couldn’t believe I had been hoodwinked. I always considered myself a sharp babe. I guess I must have really bruised his ego because soon he was raining insults on me telling me he knew I slept with men for money and wasn’t fooled by my pretence and had only married me because my ‘business’ was so lucrative. I had cussed and thrown a stool at him and it must have triggered something because he beat the hell out of me. That night as I writhed in pain, he told me we were gonna move out of his friend’s apartment and that he had found us a new one and I was to pay for it the next morning or he would kill me. That was the beginning of my nightmare. I constantly walked the streets looking for men who would have their way with me in exchange for money at my husband’s insistence. He took all from me and left me with just enough to look good for the men and take care of any wounds I incurred from his constant beatings. He eventually quit his job and became my pimp, dictating who and who I was allowed to sleep with and even making me steal things from the men. I knew I had to escape. I had already met Tosin and he was quite smitten with me. One day I made up my mind to leave. I drugged Wasiu’s drink and ran. I lay low for a month avoiding all the places I usually hung out and didn’t pick any calls. I was constantly afraid he would find me and his threatening text messages had clogged up my inbox. I finally decided to change my SIM and move on with my life because I was seriously low on cash. I sent Tosin an sms with my new number and told him I had been kidnapped by unknown men and only just released. He came to get me and the fear in my eyes made him not doubt my story. He brought me here and in no time he made me his wife. I actually thought I was safe here till Wasiu broke into my home…”

I squeezed her hand as big fat tears rolled down her eyes. I wasn’t surprised at her story. I had encountered worse in my hustle. We were Lagos girls and we all had our sob stories. I looked at the other three, born with silver spoons- daring them to judge!
Amaka was the first to speak.
“I am so sorry Siki luv. I spoke to my father and Wasiu has been handled. He will never bother you again. You are safe here.”
Mamus dried her tears and Zainab seemed genuinely pained. Silver spoon or not, love and friendship prevailed. They may not have understood all of her pain or the reasons for some of her actions but they were behind her solidly. I smiled a grateful smile.
“Thanks guys, what would I do without friends like you? I hope you don’t think me a fool for not seeing Wasiu for what he was before marrying him. I truly fancied myself in love and love makes you do stupid things…”
We all nodded, lost in thought. Love did make us do stupid things and I was determined not to allow myself fall in love with Mamus’s fiance.
Just then Mamus looked at me and said;
“Toke I have been meaning to ask, how well do you know Azeez?”
My eyes widened, kai yawa don gas oh…

……………………………………………..to be continued………………………………….