RSS

Category Archives: Life

Who are you?

I have been sick for a couple of days and as a medical doctor, admitting I’m sick comes after repeated ingestion of varied medication. In simpler terms, I’d done all I knew to do and it wasn’t working. I have always had a sensitive tummy but this had to be one of the worst cases of the stomach bug in history. My glucose, water and potassium depleted body tossed and turned for 3 days on my bed alone in a big house only stumbling to the door when my food was delivered. Yes, too sick to cook! 

Hubby is a traveler and many times I have to be strong for me while he sends love and goodwill and tons of instructions (take your meds, eat some food, don’t use tissue lol) from miles away. So there I was sick, weak and wondering why on earth the drugs weren’t working and feebly chatting with le boo via WhatsApp who by the way was on his way to Lagos from Port Harcourt for a meeting, when my bedroom door creaks open… 

It was threatening to rain, the power was out which is usual in Nigeria once the clouds get a bit dark and with an overactive imagination thanks to back to back episodes of Doctor Who (can’t get over this series) there I was trying to process the shadow in the door frame. It was certainly too dark for my brain to register the silhouette and my husband who was the only one with a key was miles away. Thoughts of Evans the famed kidnapper and extraterrestrials flashed in my head. I was undressed under the duvet and I pulled it under my chin and shouted; 

‘Who are you?’ 

WHO ARE YOU?

And then I closed my eyes in fright, expecting the worst and wondering if delusions from dehydration had beset me and then he jumped on the bed and I smelt his perfume and I burst into tears. 

It didn’t make sense at all. How could he be here? I had been chatting with him since I woke up and he was on his way to Lagos! I touched him to be sure he was real and then hugged him tight. He shouldn’t  be here but yet he was. My husband had come home! I wish I could tell you that I didn’t cry twice more before he left or that he cancelled his trip, but just making a detour amidst the bad roads and the threatening rain because I needed him totally made me feel amazing. 

He made me the dreaded ORS (doctors are the worst patients I know) and sorted out food and drugs for me and with a kiss said his goodbyes and by the way, he had a great laugh about my response to his breaking into our house and I know for the next few weeks I’m gonna be taunted with the ‘Who are you?’ catchphrase but hey I don’t care because my hero showed up just when I was at my weakest and sickest. He is the sweetest, kindest person I know and yes today is husband appreciation day! God bless you OJ.

P.S: I feel better already. 😉

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 22, 2017 in Life

 

Tags: ,

The darkness

Since childhood she was taught to fear the darkness. The monsters lurking within, the stillness before the scream. No one warned her of the darkness within the light, the darkness in broad daylight. No one ever mentioned the darkness that sits in a room full of people or that stands in the corner amidst the brightest lights. This darkness is so terrifying that every adult and a child or two stumbles upon it entirely on their own. 

I met my darkness a few years ago. He goes by many names. Maybe you have met him along the way. 

Some call him fear…

My irrational fear of driving and then swimming and the fear of the unknown that never goes away. He loves it when I dream up the absolute worst possible case scenarios and allow them dominate my thoughts.

Some call him insecurity…

He sits whispering in my ear every time I don’t feel good enough, every time I feel unworthy of love, friendship or goodness. He cheers me on every time I doubt myself.

Some call him loneliness…

Alone in a big town, alone in a small house, alone without friends or alone in the midst of friends and family. He is the constant. The aloneness leading many on to the boulevard of depression.

He goes by many names. Seducing you in the name of all that’s careful and cautious. Promising to protect you from harm if you only let him in and then like the proverbial monster he devours all that is in his path, making a mockery of the greatness you carry within. 

But if only you’d dare. Just a little dare, dare to defy him and see what happens. He would lose his power, he would tremble and flee leaving behind the remains of the smokescreen that served as your shackles. He needed your fear to feed him strong and now he has nothing!

Be a true slay queen today! Slay your dragon & slay your darkness 🙌🙌🙌 

He is lurking behind every excuse, every self-doubt or depreciation and every ‘can’t‘. You can do absolutely anything you set your mind on to do. You just need a little dare

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 19, 2017 in Life

 

Tags: , , ,

Dr Jekyll & Miss Hyde

Oh how she mocks me! A wry grin crosses her face as she hears me chirp away with bubbly optimism. She scoffs at the girly giggles and the feigned interest. She closes her eyes as the boredom of plans which will never reach fruition engulfs her. There’s only so much she can take after all. She taps her foot impatiently as the last one leaves, scowling at the lingering goodbyes. And then when I’m finally alone, she breathes a sigh of relief and another door as if on cue opens up into the only reality she is comfortable with. 

“Why do you subject yourself to such agony?” She asks.

“People are nice… sometimes”

“But they are so insensitive and ask the most annoying questions and all they ever really do think about is themselves and what they can get from you.” She states matter of factly.

She isn’t wrong. Just the other day she’d helped bind my wounds from yet another careless word.

“Are you tired of playing nurse?” I challenge.

“Don’t be stupid! When you hurt I hurt, when it stings, I sting and even longer than you do if I may add. This is purely a matter of self-preservation”.

I am quiet this time. She does have a point. When I’m with her, I’m happy. She isn’t my captor, well not technically and she does allow me a few meaningful social interactions. It’s all for my good she says and so most of the time I let her lead.

“Don’t give people the opportunity to hurt you” She continues.

“But I can’t lock them out. I miss social events that you think would be a burden, I let the phone ring out sometimes without answering because you don’t think I need the interference. I keep so many people at arm’s length. If I did any more than that I’d be a sociopath”. 

My last remark makes me shudder. Where did the happy go lucky girl who saw good in everything and everyone go?

“Don’t make this sound weird. Those people are poison. They spew negativity every chance they get. What have they done for you lately? You give and give till there’s no more of you left and still they ask. You have nothing to prove. You score no points for being the social butterfly not with a broken wing.”

I wince at her last words. I do have a broken wing. They see it. They pretend not to notice or notice fleetingly and give me a cheer or two before promptly forgetting the uncomfortable sight. They attribute my victories to overcompensation. They consider my handicap as grounds for many a favor. She can’t fly because her wing is broken so she wouldn’t mind spending time on land helping us with some more trivialities. My broken wing has become my identity. Almost half a decade and I can’t shake it off. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish people genuinely cared. I wish they didn’t give me pity; empathy I could stand but sympathy sickens me. It’s a wing…only a wing. I have learned to run like a cheetah, hop like a kangaroo, climb like a monkey and exist to the fullest while waiting for the promise of wholeness. I do more than exist, I’m doing just fine…but yet they make it seem like it all amounts to nothing…

“And that’s why you don’t need these negative people around you. These constant reminders of what you lack. These situations that make waiting all the more harder to do!”

“No I don’t…”

She smiles. Her work is done. 

I grab my phone and watch the next episode of Doctor Who. She is always there, like the doctor; waiting, ready to step in when I get too involved. She calls herself  the aloofness the people don’t understand. I call her the introvert within…

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 19, 2017 in Life

 

Tags:

The Ideal Friend

You only need one!

A friend that sticketh closer than a brother and a brother is born for adversity but in these cut throat times…

Having a real friend is a rarity many long for but can’t afford, they are too busy chasing dreams to grow potential friendships and instead make do with frenemies- well not the absolute bad kind, just the kind that are happy for you and with you till you start to outshine them.

The truth is the world talks about frenemies like they are the worst but they seem to be just a mirror image of the friends they keep. Jealousy laced with a tinge of envy has become a hustle garland people wear with pride, it dictates their drive for success and their level of satisfaction and contentment in life in comparison with the next dude in their circle of influence. In fact many a frenemy have been the sure push behind a man’s success story (the Lord keep my enemies alive so they can witness my victory syndrome).

It’s all a great arrangement till you actually need a friend- one you can trust with your life, one you can do business with without ever getting screwed, one you can ask to care for your family after you are gone, one you can share your deepest, darkest secrets with, one you’d mutually take a bullet for, one you can laugh with, cry with, be brutally honest with and take real advice from because you know they have your back no matter what! Some people are lucky and their spouse becomes that friend, others are luckier and they are gifted with such friendships (na only Baba God fit give this one oh- because human beings are innately flawed and he knows what flawed souls work best in sync) but how do you get that sort of friend- the BFF who still cracks you up in your 70s and would still fight your battle for you even if it’s with a wobbly cane and hoarse curses?

Here’s how…

1) Be honest about the friendships in your life. 

Draw a list of all your ‘friends’ and then put them in 3 groups; 

the frenemies (they’ve pricked you with pocket knives enough times for you to know they’d stab you with a kitchen knife if they ever got the chance);

then the real friends (usually one or two- they won’t be perfect but you can count the times they’ve taken a bullet for you or gotten you out of hell- it’s not enough for them to sit with you and give great advice cos talk is cheap);

and then the acquaintances (it doesn’t matter how often you guys hang out- they are the ones who the world thinks are your friends cos they are in all your facebook and Instagram pics but you know exactly where you stand with them and don’t even want them knowing your business so there’s always a façade and lots of coverups when they are around). This last group is different from the frenemies because your frenemies have access to your heart and your personal business these people only have access to your good days and great occasions!

Now to the second…

2) Be honest about what you want out of a friendship

Everybody wants different things from a friendship. Most people need the 3 groups of friends to satisfy 3 different longings. The frenemies to push you to be better (some healthy or unhealthy competition), the real friends to share your burdens and the acquaintances to have fun with (because all work and no play…). A friend can function as 2 and 3 or 1 and 3 but 1 and 2 always cancel out each other and if a 2 acts like 1, the 2 becomes a 1!

The real issue begins when you blur these lines or worse put the wrong person in the wrong group. You need to be honest about what you want out of a friendship so that you don’t go telling your deepest woes to an acquaintance (TMI- awkward!) or to a frenemy (ammunition- dangerous!) A person doesn’t get upgraded to 2 because they have been in your life for years (perhaps waiting to strike) or because they held your hand through one crisis (did you get your degree after just one exam?). You need to take time to study their personality, how they feel about you and their concept of loyalty and their spoken and unspoken words not to mention their actions! The next time you want to reach out to a friend, you need to ask yourself what you desire at that moment- some excitement, some competition-driven motivation or a real friend and let it guide your call out.

3) Be honest about where you stand with each person.

Unrequited friendship is just as bad as unrequited love. Does your boo have a boo? If you are her number 3 and she is your number 2 then you are both out of sync and that friendship will not be satisfying. 

Don’t mistake a person who is genuinely nice and honest and helpful to everybody for your own personal person!

That’s why nice people always have tons of friends but they alone know who their friends really are. So if you are always sharing life issues with her and she’s so helpful and such a great listener but you don’t know jack about her or well the stuff about her that really matters, she isn’t your friend. She is your counselor, doctor or life coach at best! 

Not being honest about where you stand with people leads to disappointments and heart break and dramatic feelings of betrayal which you wouldn’t have been feeling if you only opened your eyes. 

4) Be honest about who you are.

Would you be friends with you?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people who are insincere, backstabbers, foul-mouthed, competitive, unfeeling (the bad character list is quite long) are the ones who are the loneliest, who crave more meaningful friendships and who have totally lost hope in the sincerity of a good friendship (“I don’t have friends that are girls, too much drama!” And the guys? “You know guys only want one thing!”)

Some people have developed these traits as a defense mechanism for all the stuff they have seen or gone through (kill or be killed), others are really good people deep down but never let anyone see the good because of all the emotional baggage it’s buried under but you must understand that actions and reactions are equal and opposite! 

Some people also see an overly friendly person as either suspicious (even the bible asks you to suspect a neighbor that loudly greets you early in the morning) or having too many friends so they don’t want to increase your body count. Sanguines tend to have a lot of acquaintances since they are easily the life of the party but very few meaningful friendships and as a result get very lonely!

Also some people are overly jealous and clingy and stifle their friendships but I think this again is mostly a myth. Unless you are a sociopath, a real friend would not consider you jealous or clingy because your friendship would be as much of a priority to them as it is to you however if your friend sees you only as a number 1 or 3,  she could have you committed!

If you are in need of a real friend, check yourself are you friend material? 

5) Be honest about the friendships you have ignored.

Nothing like a post like this to open your eyes and make you realize that you’ve spent too much time watering and nurturing the weeds instead of tending your garden! No friendship even the strongest ones will thrive without love and attention. Look at that list again, if you were unable to put down any name in the real friend group (2) then you need to draw up another list of people who could be potential friends (based on surprising acts of kindness, their total devotion to you even when you don’t give back or some other positive action- forget words) and beside their names write down why exactly you didn’t nurture that friendship. If the reason is a valid one, strike their names off the list (not all that glitters is gold) but if your busy schedule or laziness or your sense of entitlement is the reason why you you haven’t nurtured that friendship then get your garden tools and do some work! If the friendship was made in heaven, it won’t be too late.

Real friends make life so much more beautiful but even pretty gardens have weeds. If your real friend has hurt you and you cannot seem to trust him or her anymore, demote the person to number 1 or 3 and move on. You’ll find it easier to let go of the unforgiveness when you don’t have to pretend that the friendship is something it isn’t. Some friendships last for only a season, others for a life time but I can assure you that when one door closes the good Lord always opens another. 

Have a lovely day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 7, 2016 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

The best of a bad situation

A friend tagged me in an instagram video last night and I was totally mortified as I watched a chick sashay across a hall and fall smack on her face when her high heels did a 360 on her. Amidst loud guffaws she picked herself up unceremoniously and ran out as fast as she could and there I was thinking ‘that’s a nightmare’. The truth is there is so much worse out there than merely falling flat on your nose and what you do with a bad situation really matters in the grand scheme of things.

A while back social media was agog with the news of a vlogger’s marital woes and I wondered how she stayed bright, beautiful and positive all through the nightmare and still made a buck and got an award while at it. The age of social media has seen relationships lose the element of privacy as everyone is eager to be social which includes sharing everything and I mean everything online. Now while this might be a lucrative and exhilarating hobby there’s the downside of not being able to hide your sh*t when an ill tide blows your way and while little can be done to quell this trend (we are so past the point of return), something can be done about your reaction to a bad situation.

I may not be able to ask her about her bounce back formula or how she was able to ride the storm but whatever she did I am sure she applied these surefire rules to making the best of a bad situation and I know they’d work for you regardless of whether you’re dealing with a cheating partner, a failed exam, conflict, a scandal or great loss…

  1. Take a break. You don’t need to impress anyone, there’s no award for putting on a facade and we certainly wouldn’t want you to crack. Seriously take a break. You don’t have to go on leave or quit your job or flee the state but it would help if you had a few hours alone to just breath. Inhala-exhala.

  2. Be careful who you share your woes with. Sometimes the people around you are more interested in your ‘gist’ than in sincerely giving a shoulder to cry on and bad news travels fast. If you must speak, keep it brief and vague, it’s your personal life after all. Also telling the wrong person your grievances could blow them out of proportion. Plus family never ever forget wrongs done to their bloodline so if it’s something not so catastrophic that you know you can one day get past, limit the dissemination of information.

  3. Have that one friend: That person who gives you a shoulder to lean on, has stood the test of time, would be brutally honest with you and yet show empathy. Someone who you are not ashamed to bring on the waterfalls in front of. Someone who would pray with you, encourage you and ultimately cheer you up. If you don’t have such a friend start looking, you only need one.

  4. Count your blessings. When everything is going so crazily wrong, trying to hold on to the little that is going right could be your lifeline. Is your marriage falling apart? Hold on to that great career. Is your career over? Hold on to that supportive family. Is your heart broken? Remind yourself what a hottie you are. Find a reason to smile. This might be the hardest rule but it’s the only light you have in this pitch dark tunnel. Think of the people you bring joy to or the people who think you are fabulous. Feed off their positive energy. There’s always that one good thing in the midst of the bad.

  5. PMR: Pray-Meditate-Recuperate
    Pray- Everything gets better when you pray. Jeremiah 29:11 says His thoughts for you are thoughts of good and not evil to give you a future and a hope. Let that give you reassurance. Tell him all about it. You might not understand why it’s happening but be rest assured he has a plan.
    Meditate- Get clarity on the issue. Think about the whole issue from start to finish. Focus on you this time- the mistakes you made, the things you overlooked and the things you could have done differently. Get some clarity.
    Recuperate- Think about your next step, plan, take control. You don’t have to have the whole thing figured out or your whole comeback planned out just the next step in the grand scheme of things. Never ever let yourself go in the midst of a bad situation. Have a plan no matter how unlikely to succeed it is and work your way up from there.

Bad days suck but making the best out of it is the only way you can come out stronger. Force yourself to look your best even when you feel your worst and avoid the 3 emotional pseudo-comfort foods – sugar, alcohol and sex. If you crave endorphins so badly, workout. Sounds crazy but exercise does release feel-good hormones. Don’t get fat, drunk or an STD! Sooner than you know it the sun would come out again and you’d kiss those stormy clouds goodbye! Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that’s a promise!!!

Xxx

 
3 Comments

Posted by on June 30, 2015 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

10 more things that make absolutely no sense! Part 2

image

Letting off steam is proving to be quite therapeutic #forgivemyFrenchalongtheway. More rants coming your way…

  1. Boko Haram marrying off Chibok girls! WTF! You didn’t carry those girls for 9 months in your womb or battle morning sickness. You didn’t change diapers or wake up at midnight to feed a crying baby. You didn’t hustle to put food on the table or to send any of those Chibok girls to school! How dare you take the brideprice that rightfully belongs to these grieving parents? Who died and made you the godfather? Counting down to your total annihilation shit heads!

  2. Why are market women so deceitful? Why do they try to sneakily sell off their damaged, decaying items in exchange for your hard-earned money? Why are people so dishonest? Why do I need to watch you like a hawk before you do the right thing? Sigh…

  3. Why doesn’t any one have a job description in this country? Why do policemen feel it is their right to fine you for expired insurance papers or ask to see your fire extinguisher? Na the work dem send you? Haba?!

  4. Why doesn’t it pay to go to school anymore in this country? The richest men in Nigeria today are uneducated, unlearned, uncouth fellas. Really schools are either becoming outdated or someone ought to change the curriculum!

  5. Why do politicians jump from one party to another like mogbomoyas crashing an owambe? I don’t see American politicians switching from Republican to Democrat at the drop of a hat, have some loyalty fellas. This dirty politics is starting to make my eyes ache! Grrr

  6. Speaking of politics what is it with all of you and bags of rice? Kilonse? This is absolutely ridiculous. Swaying the masses with rice, how on earth is that democratic? The people are hungry, don’t make them sell their souls for a bag of rice and some loose change! How on earth will Nigeria ever get better if we all live for the moment?

  7. And then all these Nollywood actors and actresses going into politics, H-I-A-N!!! Abeg what is your qualification biko? Most of your movies suck, you haven’t taken out time to master your field and now you jump into murky waters that you know nothing about all for one reason and one reason alone- MORE MONEY! Your hustle no get part 2 oh! I really hope you know what you have signed up for! I will say a prayer for Nigeria…

  8. Lying that the man is your cousin! Today I heard that two cousins whom I know very well are getting married this December and no it isn’t incest. Family ties are getting looser by the day and the next time I catch a woman in a funny position with a guy and she says; ‘Have you met my cousin?’ I am gonna turn up my nose and walk out! As if!!!

  9. Work colleagues who are not loyal. You spend more hours at work than you do any place else and they expect your help on everything from personal to work-related at a moment’s notice but then just when there’s a problem and you need these aliens to act like a team or maybe stand up for you, you find out that these hoes ain’t loyal!!! There is a difference between a work colleague and a friend, don’t get that twisted!

  10. Loud neighbors! These are actually the worst type of neighbors. Throw out your TV cos with neighbors like these, you are sure to get your daily dose of Telemundo, Action X and Reality TV- VSNL guaranteed! Someone read them the terms and conditions please! Geez!

Got a rant? Post it here. Let’s let out the steam and make room for some inner peace.

Have a super weekend Chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 1, 2014 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , ,

15 things that make absolutely no sense! Part 1

image

This is the mother of all rants…Feel free to add to the number or to leave a comment about the one you feel die. Sometimes we have to let the steam out…#forgivemyFrenchalongtheway

  1. Why does NEPA/PHCN have to take light just some minutes after bringing it, right in the middle of your favorite DSTV program when they know that DSTV takes forever to load?

  2. Why on earth does DSTV take forever to load? For heaven sake regular TV loads as soon as you put on the Telly so there has got to be a software that can cut down the loading time or are we stuck paying big money for medieval services because we are Africans and most local TV sucks?

  3. Why is MTN so stingy? They make billions every week and yet they are so fast to drain your credit or MB like a thirsty brother sucking up a soda through a straw and they never ever give freebies. Nothing like loyalty gets rewarded, f*ck you MTN how do I port?

  4. Don’t you just hate traffic? Especially when you are late and your A/C’s acting up and after what seems like hours crawling some walking distance, you get to the front and can’t even find the reason for the traffic, aaaaargh!

  5. Why does everybody abroad look so damn successful? Where are the people who they say wash dead bodies or do menial jobs? Where are those who live on the streets or have to marry an old hag for papers? Everybody all up on instagram acting like they play golf with Jay-Z every Saturday!

  6. Why can’t people f*cking spell right? ‘Ow r u?’ ‘Yer am gud’ ‘kk’. Yeah, blame it on blackberry messengers and instant messaging but instant doesn’t mean Morse code, respect the English language! I would like to see you abbreviate Yoruba words. It’s bad enough that people are failing English in SSCE/WAEC but now they are making up words on the go!

  7. Why can’t someone round up all the corrupt politicians in this country and force them into an early retirement? We know who they are, we gather at bars to discuss the evil they do and yet when one of them comes on the scene, we wag our tails, stick out our tongues, make sycophant noises and beg for doggy treats! Disgusting

  8. Why do people think it’s OK to be less than professional in a professional setting? Why do you have to insult that employee or subordinate instead of just correcting the person? Guys leave your personal sh*t at home. Don’t be bringing it to the office, just remember that that employee could become one of the politicians in (7) above and guess who would be wagging his tail begging for doggy treats?

  9. Don’t you just hate it when all your life’s achievements are summed up into two questions: 1. Are you married? 2. Do you have children? It doesn’t matter if you have a mansion on banana island or the 2014 range rover. Paddle your own canoe for Pete’s sake! It’s not your prerogative to remind me of what you feel are my problems!

  10. Isn’t it just ridiculous that some people
    see opening a church as a lucrative business? They forget that church money is blood money, the Blood of Jesus is over all that money and if you steal it or con your way into it or greedily covet it forgetting that many of the people who give this money are poor people crying unto God for help, your affluent lifestyle will just be akin to Idi Amin feeding his victims at a lavish lunch before assassinating them. You are chopping curse oh, fear God!

  11. Why are some people effortlessly rich? They don’t work hard, are not qualified and are not legit. Yet nobody catches them, they don’t die ‘suddenly’ and they don’t go mad, regardless of who they sacrificed! And then one day they give their lives to Christ and all their sins are washed away (money stays tho’).

  12. Why don’t online Nigerian shopping websites indicate height of the model or the length of the dress, skirt or trousers they are selling? And let me not begin to complain about UK 7 shoes that can’t even enter my cousin’s feet and she wears a size 6. What the hell is wrong with you? Sell by fire by force? And y’all know your return policy is wack! Who is gonna pay for postage?

  13. Why are our roads so bad? Mr Governor I know your potbelly is sitting pretty in your ultra expensive car but no matter how great your shocks are, you can’t pretend the bumps on the road don’t threaten to unsettle your food or that those ghastly pot-holes aren’t hungry pits waiting to swallow up brand new tyres! Chop the money if you must but do your job for Pete’s sake!

  14. Why is customer service so bad in Nigeria? Like I need to grovel and beg to spend my own hard earned money or pretend I am highly entitled and an effing diva just to get attended to? Haba!

  15. Why do Nigerians have such a ridiculous sense of entitlement? Everybody has to do something for you but you don’t wanna do anything for anybody, not even for your damn self. You complain that the roads are dirty and gutters overflowing yet you throw that gala wrapper on the ground without a backward glance. You expect everyone to bend over backwards for you because life has handed you lemons but when you get a chance to do something remotely decent for someone else you lock up! Absolutely ridiculous…

That felt good…now you try. Bottling stuff up can lead to hypertension, stroke,  heart disease the list is endless so take a deep breath and spill…leave a rant-full comment that sets you free…

Have a stress-free weekend Chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
5 Comments

Posted by on October 31, 2014 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , , ,