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10 Signs That He Is Not Ready For Marriage!

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Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!

1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!

Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!

2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)

If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!

3) He is a flirt

A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.

4) He has no plan for his life

If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.

5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family

The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.

6) He has odd ideals about marriage

Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.

7) All his friends are not married

If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.

8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)

This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.

9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority

Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!

10) He is about to relocate

A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.

Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Manology

 

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NIKE! JUST DO IT!

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Another post by our guest blogger, Joseph and this time it’s for the ladies…xxx

Dear diary,

So I saw Tunde again today. I really like him, but don’t know if he is serious. Sometimes he is all nice and at other times he just forgets about me till I ping or call him. I know he probably just wants to have sex with me and I swear I want to have sex with him too. But I know he won’t call me again the moment I have sex with him. He has even refused to define our relationship, he says he likes me but he hasn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend. He has invited me to his house again tomorrow. I don’t know oh…after what happened last time. What if we end up doing it this time? I must confess, I want it to, it’s been a while. Maybe I should just ask him what we are. I’ll ask him tomorrow. I have to go now, expect good news tomorrow.

Ciao

XOXOXO NIKE XOXOXO

You all know what’s going to happen to Nike right? She’d go to Tunde’s house after the movie (it could be anything else really), they’d start fooling around and when homeboy’s about to turn the page, she would resist. He would do a bit more convincing and when it seems like her guards are lowered again, he’d make a move but she’d resist again. He does a bit more convincing; including telling he that wants to put only the head. Sisi has been around so she knows the thing doesn’t have a shoulder and therefore no means of stopping the body after the head. So she pulls out a famous move

‘What are we?’ or ‘What am I to you?’

The answers range from a simple

‘We’re boyfriend and girlfriend’ (for the less creative ones).

To the more elaborate

‘What? What kind of question is that? I call you every day, send you text messages, take you on dates and spend time with you. Do you think I do this for every girl?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Wow! Wow! Wow! Am I wasting my time? Because I thought we had something real. Are you even serious about this?’

Let’s back up a little.
Bla bla bla… So she pulls out her famous move, this time just as he is about to Los Merengues at the Bernabeu.

‘Do you love me?’

Really ladies! At this point, the answer could only be a testosterone coated, sperm laden, conji induced baritone ‘YES’. You could ask him if he was a serial killer at this point and his answer would be the same.
I’m going to level with you; this is the reason why some of you get ‘heartbroken’:

  1. You are in a very simple situation. Boy likes you, you know the attraction is physical and he only wants your body. You want him too, your juices are flowing but you hold back, which isn’t entirely wrong, restraint is good. It’s sex, not a peck on the cheek. The reason you’re holding back is the real kicker though. You’re worried that if he sleeps with you he won’t call you again, which is the likeliest possibility but you don’t really know that. At this point, your options are limited. Just two in all honesty. You either walk away and kill the desires or give in to those desires and see where it leads. Because you’re Nike however, because your feminine constitution demands it, you manufacture a third option

  2. Take the very simple situation and complicate it. You have decided you like him enough to sleep with him but your mind doesn’t want it to happen except he makes some form of commitment. Says he loves you (even though you know he doesn’t) or calls you his girlfriend even though you know you aren’t. With all due respect, any girl who has ever pulled the ‘Do you love me?’ move during foreplay has the IQ of a millipede and except the dude has that of a doorknob, it’s a put-off (I said put-off, not turn-off, we hit it either ways). The most solid commitment a man can make to a woman and vice versa is marriage and even those get broken nowadays. Words mean nothing and I’m sure most of you know this. But it feels better when you know you’re sleeping with him because ‘he loves you’ or because ‘you are his girlfriend’ than when there’s nothing involved. So you do it and it’s nice. Sidenote: It’s always nice for guys, I don’t care what anyone says, and that’s why we have necrophiliacs. You do it a couple more times on different days and you brain starts to believe the hype and therein lies the problem.

  3. You get crushed. You guys have done it now and done it a couple of times more so your brain starts to believe the hype. You knew from the beginning that the dude only wanted the physical aspect but you coerced a ‘commitment’ out of him and now you expect him to follow through. So you start the quegging (it’s a portmanteau). Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you text? Why didn’t I see you yesterday? Why don’t you take me out on dates again? Why don’t you walk on water for me? And on and on. From this point on, the period the guy holds on for is directly equivalent to the bombness of your arena. I know I said all guys enjoy it but some enjoy it more than others and to be fair, some of you ladies are just Cleopatra reincarnates. I’ve seen men go all the way (more on this later).  Eventually, more often than not, the guy snaps and he ‘ends’ the relationship. Now you’re heartbroken, from a relationship that was only on your head. Women!

What I am saying is simple. While getting a commitment is not out of place, you don’t need a guy to say the words ‘would you be my girlfriend?’ or any it’s variants to know you’re in a relationship. You would know if what you have is real. Guys would say anything to get laid, anything!
So Aunty Nike, if Uncle Tunde gets your juices flowing, there are only two options. You either kill the desires and get on with your life or give in to them with minimal expectations. Better yet, have no expectations. Just do it!

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Posted by on August 1, 2014 in Manology

 

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Relationships, double standards and some things between…by Joseph Eziashi

Relationships, double standards and some things between…by Joseph Eziashi

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A post by one of our guest bloggers. The guys will definitely love this post… 😉

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A few words about me before I delve into today’s post; I am not a relationship expert, Lord no! I have a lot of friends who have experienced a lot and therefore have a lot of stories to share. Also if you tell me a story Mr A told you, about something Mr B witnessed, that happened to Mr C, know that when I retell the story, Mr C will be my friend. I like to eliminate middle men and also, Mr C could really be a friend, we just haven’t established it yet.

That’s all.

One more thing, until proven otherwise, my opinion is fact…in this column.

***

So my friend has this girlfriend, they are serious and have been dating for over a year. This girl is pretty, educated, good job, well brought up (what our culture defines it as) and just an all round good girl. They are both of marriageable age but he is stalling. He is stalling because he isn’t sure she’s the one. She’s a good girl and all and would probably make a good wife and mother but according to him, she lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. Recently he met a girl, from the chance meeting; they established their mutual love for the same type of movies, books, music and humour. Now he wants to get to know the girl better. ‘She could be the one,’ he says. To do that, they need to go on dates, and that is cheating. I tell him this and he makes his case. It might not have been water-tight but it had merits. Here’s what he said, basically.

A woman is condemned to have admirers and toasters (most women anyway), be she single, bound by a relationship or even marriage.

For the sake of this post, we’ll focus on the women in relationships.

Now a woman in a relationship, no matter how perfect the relationship may seem, is never averse to a new admirer. As long as there’s a form of attraction, she keeps the line of communication open and remains friends with this guy. She convinces herself it’s innocuous, even if the dude stated his intentions clearly from the beginning. The few naive ones may sometimes go as far as trying to convince their partners that they are just friends. They go on dates with this guy disguised of course as friendly outings. It’s not uncommon to hear statements like:

‘I’m just going to see a movie with a friend/colleague/one guy that has been disturbing me’ (the naive ones again).

‘One of my colleagues/friends/one guy that has been disturbing wants to buy me lunch.’

To a lady, all this is pretty natural. She doesn’t think anything is amiss (or pretends not to think) so has no cause to lower her guard. The guy(s) of course continues to probe, seeking an opening, waiting for cracks to appear. That’s why a girl can receive five cakes on her birthday (two from boyfriend, two from admirers and one from her committee of friends) and see nothing wrong. They just revel in the attention.

Then one day, one day the crack will appear. This innocuous friend becomes a listening ear and voila it’s done. Also, if a girl considers this friend to be a better prospect or thinks for any reason that he could make her happier, she’d go with him, no stories.

I think I’ve been right so far.

Why does the rule have to be different for guys?

As a guy, when you have a girlfriend, you’re expected to be faithful (of course expectation is different from reality but stay with me please). I mean, as a guy you shouldn’t even be interested in another girl. Imagine telling your girlfriend you’re taking a female colleague to see a movie or that you want to buy birthday cake for one friend/colleague/one girl that you have been disturbing like that. Just imagine her reaction. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all.

What I’m saying my ladies – get some pain killers because this will hurt – allow him!

If you walk into a restaurant with that friend/colleague/one guy like that and see him with a girl, don’t get mad and throw tantrums for two reasons. The first is that food isn’t cheap. I don’t care how much you earn but food is not cheap at all. The other day at the market…wait…sorry.

Second reason is that you have no ring yet, harsh it may seem but it’s the truth. Think of a relationship as a road, marriage being the destination. If a man feels he is on the wrong road, he will make a detour, its just the way we (humans) are. You should even be happy because if after he has seen what the world has to offer he still returns to you, it would be with renewed determination.

If he leaves, you dodged a bullet. Bullet as in bullet train because he is going to run faster than that thing on the morning of your wedding if he waits till then to realize you are not the one. You didn’t think all those men who took off suddenly remembered they needed to keep fit did you?

Here’s what I think, and this goes out to everyone, every relationship is an audition of sorts. Let’s say you are in a relationship like my friend above. Your partner is okay but there’s no je ne sais quoi. The relationship has 60% compatibility, how do you maybe find someone better? I’m not saying you should aspire for 100%, I’m not stupid. How do you find you 65, 70 or heck 80% because and you will agree with me, when it comes to relationships, 1% is a huge margin.

So brethren and ‘sistren’,  If you are in a relationship and you feel there’s something missing, be it major or minor (we’ll talk about this some other time) there should be an allowance to look. I’m not saying guys should go chasing after everything in skirt or that ladies should have more body counts than Rambo and Commando combined, I’m just saying once in a while, you’d meet that someone who has the je ne sais quoi (I’ve said this a little too much abi?). You shouldn’t hesitate to know them better (ladies are experts at this). You might find out after one date that it’s just an illusion; you might also find out that…you know…he/she’s the one. Your happiness is paramount and like my Warri friends would say ‘Salvation na per head’.

 

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2014 in Manology

 

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Who Wears The Pants Around Here?

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The battle of the sexes is as old as time itself. Eve reportedly ate the forbidden fruit first which means she was older in wisdom than Adam since her eyes were opened to good and evil before him and that’s probably why God specifically cursed Eve that Adam would rule over her because judging by the new order set in place by the forbidden fruit, Eve should have been ruler. Age doesn’t make you king, wisdom does!

Flip through a lot more pages of the bible and you get to the passage that has become a thorn in the modern woman’s side. “Wives submit to your husbands”. The writer was just repeating what God had said in the beginning but it has become the pillar of all marital guidelines and the stronghold for which the average man bases all wife-related marital discourse.

This same bible tells of many strong women both good and bad who clearly wore the pants although the wearing process was not ceremoniously announced. The thing is men have very fragile egos; they like them stroked and fed fat and in that utopian state will give you anything and everything but the moment they feel threatened, you will face the emotional obstinacy of the XY gene. A guy once admitted that women have 80% of the power in a relationship and that men spend a lot of their days doing stuff they would rather not do just to please the women they love but that the very minute the woman announces that she wears the pants and that her man is under her control, he revolts and she loses everything.

A friend once argued that the smarter of the two people in a relationship should wear the pants; another said the breadwinner male or female ought to wear the pants (She who makes more money wears the crown). A lot of women wish this was their reality but the thing is societal norms dictate that the man is the head of the house. However, what happens behind closed doors is essentially up to the couple! Men don’t care much about the pants, women have been deprived of the pants for so long that many see it as a prize to be had at all costs regardless of the conflict that arises as a result of the tussle (wrong approach).

The truth is men just want respect and respect is something you can give regardless of who is wearing the pants. Mutual respect is necessary for any healthy relationship. The reason why submission is emphasized is that many women find it hard to give a man respect. He doesn’t have to earn it; respect to a man is like love to a woman; A woman wants to be loved when she is good, bad, silly, brave, sick or acts stupid. A man wants to be respected just as many times. Give him respect and he would give you the pants if you wanted them!

Men are like babies and after all the hustle of the outside world they would gladly give you the reigns of the home so that all they worry about is how much they are gonna eat for dinner and what’s showing on TV. Giving you the reigns doesn’t make him less of a provider or a man, only you can cause him to feel this way and if giving you the pants means he will constantly feel like less of a man, he will hold on to it with his very life!!!

Make your man secure, show him you trust and respect him no matter what and he will give you the keys to his kingdom. Ask Sarah, Abigail, Deborah and Jezebel these women both good and bad clearly wore the pants but unlike Vashti who openly opposed her husband the king and was severely punished (to appease his bruised ego), these other women gave their men so much respect that the men never lost face in the world.

CAN YOU PULL THIS OFF?

Hope you had a great weekend chutzpah fam?
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2014 in Manology, Relationships

 

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14 REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE

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Hey ladies, Valentine’s day fast approaches and for many women the countdown is one of dread. Are you wondering why on earth you are still single? Why you never seem to meet ‘correct bobos’ just losers and baggage carriers? Are you wondering why men keep failing to notice all the fabulousity that you are made of or why after all the oohs and aahs about how wonderful you are, they don’t take a step further to make you theirs?

Here are 14 reasons why you are still single…
1. You are fishing in the wrong waters: There are men everywhere, forget what the National Census says. One of the reasons you are still single could be because of the location of your market. Your selling point could be overshadowed by other shinier competition. Every wise fisherwoman knows you won’t catch anything in the wrong waters. This is akin to being on a man-hunt at a gay bar or a marriage retreat. Location is essential. Every woman has her selling point, that one feature or attribute that draws the men to you. It could be your smile or quick wit or intelligence but most men will not notice intelligence in a room full of long-legged, curvaceous women or a smile at a nightclub. Places with too many women become informal beauty contests with the few available men acting as judges. So carve your niche and own your space! 😉

2. You are trying too hard: Fake personality, fake accent, plastic surgery kinda make-up, fake mannerisms and airs, fake laughter, feigning interest, appearing too eager, the list is endless. There’s nothing wrong with looking good and being pleasant but there’s a thin line that separates a plastic babe from a beautiful woman and men take that line very seriously. Most men fear being deceived by a woman. One of my friends ‘S’ actually admitted that one of the pitfalls of picking up a woman at night was that she always turned out hideous in the morning when the makeup and darkness were gone (when the alcohol had worn off is what he meant 😉 ). Contrary to what women think, the average man knows when you are trying too hard and it spells ‘fake’, ‘poor self-esteem’ and ‘easy lay’. A calm woman is usually the one perceived to be confident and interesting.

3. You are stuck on the obvious: 1) What do you want in a man? Your answer is the same as millions of other girls. 2) What is the first thing you notice about a man? Your answer is the same as every other girl on the street. Your problem begins here. If you are too stuck on the obvious; his looks, his money, his laugh, his dressing, his swag etc., you will miss the man who was having an off day, the not so good looking prince charming, the eccentric billionaire and what have you. Many women argue that there are no good guys but when a good guy comes along they can’t don’t see him if he doesn’t fit their brain’s perception of eligible, hence they fail to recognize his existence. Sometimes your prince charming could be a jewel in the rough, all you need to do is get glasses look a little closer.

4. You are rolling with the wrong crowd: Are your friends all single? Get some married ones. There’s something about hanging out with married women that changes your perspective. So many single women have a whole armory of “I can never date…” or “I can never marry…” or “I can never do…” one thing or the other and their friends share the same views but sometimes rolling with someone different can positively change your mindset. I had a friend who would always say “I can never date a man shorter than me, much less marry him”. She did meet tall guys but they were all jerks (strangely enough) and one day she started hanging out with a girl who was married to a shorter dude and she realised how mundane height was where happiness was concerned. Look at your friends circumspectly, if you all think and reason alike and are all single, you should consider some outside influence.

5. You are a woman’s woman: All your female friend think your fashion sense , style, looks and sex appeal are on point but what do the men think? Try watching manswers on Sony max and you would be amazed how differently men are wired. If you feel you are doing everything right and yet still not bagging a man, try taking man advice from a man. Men have opinions about everything (SURPRISE!), from the way you wear your hair to the way you react to a situation…Men are from mars and women are from Venus, the best way to capture a man is to ask a Martian! 😉

6. You come on too strong: Yeah this is the age of female gender equality, women’s liberation etc but men are still in whatever age they were conceived in, and a woman who comes on too strongly freaks them out. You may think you are being confident, no-nonsense and assertive but all he sees is controlling, crazy and trouble. So take it easy babes, even if you know he likes you but he’s acting irritatingly slow for words calm down and read an encyclopedia while he gets his act together. Sometimes even a little unwanted encouragement can be seen as coming on too strongly.

7. You conclude too quickly: He says he isn’t ready for a relationship so you shut him out completely without a backward glance. Whatever reasons he gives you, as long as he isn’t saying what you want to hear, you shut him out sharply, sometimes without the minimal politeness required from a lady. You just may be shooting yourself in the foot. A lot of men find it hard to makeup their minds right away, other feel the need to ‘test’ you by playing mind games or thrusting you into ridiculous situations and others just need you to give them a reason to stay. If you felt right about him deep down but he is dragging his feet or saying contrary words, don’t slam the door, put him in the friend zone. Yeah that could be the hardest thing you have ever done but being nice and caring towards him even when your heart feels he should be kicked in the butt, could actually be the game changer. Don’t conclude too quickly! (Contraindicated in certain scenarios, use wisdom).

8. You are putting your worst foot forward: “I just show him my worst side immediately so that if he can’t take it, he won’t hang around wasting my time” “I can’t be fronting for any man, what he sees is what he gets, it’s called honesty.” Yes, honesty without tact! Your friends love the good and the bad things about you right? WRONG! Your friends are loyal to you and love you because they got to see and appreciate the good in you before it dawned on them that you weren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect and putting your worst foot forward is like deliberately serving your guests burnt food so that they know you aren’t a perfect cook. The thing is, this isn’t necessary because if the guests hang around long enough they are bound to taste both the good and the bad. Ditch the defense mechanism!

9. You are acting out a script: Who really are you? Some of you have actually forgotten who you are. The real you is buried beneath a pile of peer pressure, societal expectations, disappointments, facades, defense mechanisms, walls and anti-rejection strategies. Your need to fit in and be accepted has turned you into a poor copy of who you really are and when men look at you and your well rehearsed script, they see a lost woman who is hungry for love but cannot love another because she has not learnt to love herself. You are beautiful just the way you are…

10. You are exuding negative energy: Men cringe when surrounded by negativity. Negativity to them is best friends with nagging, yelling, backbiting, aggression and emotional instability. Being pessimistic about the first date won’t get you a second. I heard of a girl who kept telling a guy who was really interested in her that she couldn’t date him because he would end up hurting her. The guy finally got tired of trying to convince her and left her with her demons. Slay the Dragon of negativity in your life. No baby is born a pessimist!

11. You are stuck on your ex: You compare every man to your ex and they fall short. Girl you had better use that brain the Lord gave you to hatch up a plan to get your ex back or better still, move on! It’s no one’s fault you are single, you are the one still in a relationship with your past! Only single girls get hooked…

12. You are stuck on your dream man: Hollywood, Disney, Harlequin romance and Mills and Boons should be blamed for this tragedy. Babe you are not single, you are in a fantasy relationship. “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…I know you the gleam in your eyes is such a familiar gleam…” Wake up girl, life is passing you by. Men are human beings like you and I and being human is a contraindication to perfection, no man will ever fully measure up to your dream man!

13. You are stuck on your father: Little girls and their daddies, what a perfect picture that paints in the mind. Well you are a grown ass woman and unless you plan to have your mum assassinated and then somehow force daddy to marry you, you had better wake up to reality. Men describe women in this group as having daddy issues. Daddy may have loved her too much or maybe not enough and yes most men won’t treat you as good as daddy treats you (neither would you treat them as good as their mums treat them- more often than not!) but that is besides the point. Would you have married daddy back in the days when he was broke and skinny and not the most attractive man on the block? Would you still want daddy if mummy told you about her secret pains, the hidden tears and the hushed arguments? Trust me, daddy would want you to be with a better man than he was and if you don’t take your eyes off daddy, you won’t see all the wonderful men around you.

14. You aren’t trying hard enough: It could be where men are concerned; one bad breakup, one bad date, one bad encounter and now you have put all men in a box and dumped that box in the attic. Or maybe it’s with your appearance; men are visual creatures. Or maybe your character needs a serious overhaul. Whatever it is if you aren’t putting in any effort, don’t blame cupid when you are sitting all by yourself ‘Bridget Jones’s style’ on Valentine’s day!

Sometimes waiting for the right man to come around might be really hard, especially with friends getting married every weekend and family giving you all sorts of pressure but I urge you to spend the waiting time, pursuing your dreams and doing fabulous things with your life. Good things come to those who wait and one day when you least expect it, he will waltz into your life and never leave your side.

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2014 in Manology, Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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Johnny Bravo vs Santa: Who would you rather have for keeps?

Ok before I start let me announce that this post is not actually about comparing vain, selfish men to generous, once a year good guys! Heck NO! 😉
I have been pondering as I usually do, on matters such as this and following a discussion I had with le boo, I just had to share. The thing is le boo believes that all girls want a man with the sort of body on Burna Boy and Peter Okoye (P-square).

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You can’t blame him, you see the way the girls go gaga at an Iyanya concert. Most of these men know that stripping to almost nothing is one of their selling points. 😉

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Then there’s the other type of guy. Now let me explain why I used Santa. It isn’t because this sort of guy is cheery and verrry good, heck no! That jolly belly points to a love of food and alcohol if you ask me LOL. Anyway this other guy is not so fit, probably has never seen the four walls of a gym before and he varies from lanky to heavy, but swanky and buff are definitely not adjectives he would get a lot! He is your regular, every day, run off the mill guy; some are naughty and some are nice!
Before you rush to make a selection, might I remind you that contrary to what Hollywood, Nollywood, Bollywood, Ghollywood and all the other woods have been selling you (they and their glossy magazine allies), more than 70% of men in the world fall into the second category. But work with me on this one, if you had two men hotly pursuing you or could possibly fall for one of two men, each belonging to a different category stated above, would you veer towards Johnny Bravo or Santa?

I was gisting with a friend and she said a guy’s body doesn’t really matter to her. His personality is what’s important to her. She added that guys who were too good looking were usually a handful but when asked if she’d go to a P-square concert she exclaimed that of course she would, eye candy plus good music was irresistible! (Now you see why girls can’t resist boy bands?) Sigh…

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Now my issue with having a perfect bod is that it sometimes eats away at the emotional quotient of these guys (girls included). After all how can they pay attention to say, one loyal girl when they have myriads of girls fawning over them? Sucks right? The same applies to women too. I know a hot woman who would boast that her man had no choice but to stay good because she never missed an opportunity to point out all the other men who wanted her including his friends (and the thing is, they all did want her bad, she wasn’t bluffing and her man did feel grateful). My cousin once told me that she couldn’t marry a man who was prettier than her because she would end up chasing him and giving him all the attention instead of the other way round and maybe she had a point there but I have spoken to a few great looking guys who feel their looks put a dampener on their love lives. One guy P said the first time a woman talks to him, she throws words like player, Cassanova, bad boy, ladies’ man & dog at him and expects him to be vain, narcissistic and egotistical. P says the women don’t give him a chance because his looks place him in a box and that he is judged harder than the other men. P joked that his chubby room-mate got more girls weekly than he had ever gotten in his entire life.
Don’t you just hate stereotypes? How many times have you walked away from a potentially good relationship because divorcees are like this, fine boys are like that, men with kids are usually like this, Yoruba boys are usually like that………. (The list is endless). One girl said to me about a guy she just met who seemed interested in her that “a guy who is that good-looking, dresses that well and smells so good- with a car, can’t be single…”

So back to the topic: Johnny Bravo or Santa? Ladies you simply cannot judge a book by its cover. I have met good men who looked like Greek gods; carved to perfection and men who were nothing to look at but acted like every woman ought to bow down and worship them. Personality matters! So look beyond the abs or flab and into the soul. Remember that a nerdy dude who blossomed late in life would still be nerdy inside but a fine dude who became flabby later in life would always act like he was still the boss!
Personally I would prefer a guy without six- packs because his six packs would remind me of the soft curve of my belly and the extra pounds around my thighs (Besides I do love rubbing le boo’s belly) but when it comes to having a man for keeps, looks definitely have nothing to do with it!

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Have a great day Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2014 in Manology, Relationships

 

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Memoirs of an unrepentant Bachelor…

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My name is Gbenga, you can call me the bachelor. I’m 37, I have my own business and live in a posh apartment. I have two cars and no babymama. Ok I’m not counting Seyi cos no matter what she says that kid ain’t mine. Let me start by telling you about Seyi, we dated for a while. She’s the typical Lagos banker. Light skinned, Brazilian hair with a Brazilian butt to match and the first time she walked past me in that oh so tight pencil skirt her butt gasping for air, I knew she was the mother of my children. Seyi turned out to be as needy as a toddler and she practically drove me insane with her marriage talk. One day I found a secret folder on her laptop and that was when I knew she had to go. The babe had planned her wedding even up to the songs the DJ would play. I’ll admit her wedding gown wasn’t bad but it irked me that she had a picture of her in it. Like seriously. And when I saw my picture which I was expecting as the groom along with two other possible grooms I freaked out. She was my girlfriend and I loved her but apparently I was just a pawn in her get married or die trying scheme. I broke it off with her that evening and almost laughed out loud when she seized the opportunity to tell me she had misplaced her period. Dude you better find it, maybe you should ask the other two grooms *rolling eyes. Nine months later a very igbo-yellow baby pops out of her and she sends me a pic via whatsapp (hiss). I blocked her there as well. Should’ve done that when I deleted her from my BBM. Anyway haven’t heard from her since so maybe groom number two (or three) turned out to be the father. Ok so that’s that with Seyi. She was girlfriend number 9 and I won’t even count the flings or friends with benefits (don’t judge). Anyway let’s just say I’ve been around for a while and I’ve seen it all and done it all -Ok almost all. When a guy is as successful as I am, after a while his friends figure out that finding a woman isn’t his problem and they give up the matchmaking. Somebody shout hallelujah! Anyway 10 is my lucky number and I hope that when I meet her she’ll make me hang up my boots for good but while I wait, here are 10 things you should know about me;
1. All those marriage sermons and prayer points do not apply to me. The other day I was sitting in church and the pastor asked all the single people in church to come out for a special anointing. I just sat there. I am single by choice and it ain’t a problem or a disease and my grandfather definitely had nothing to do with it, heck the dude had 8 wives. Anyway there I am staying put with a smug smile on my face and then I catch Deaconess Bola glaring at me. That woman has been less than subtle in her matchmaking escapades and for years I’ve politely avoided her daughter Bisi whom I noticed was the first to stand up when the pastor’s call came. Shuo na by force?
2. No more drama. I have gotten to a stage in my life when I can sniff out a woman who has got drama better than a police dog sniffs out drugs. The nag, the attention-seeker, the ratchet, the bully, the vicious woman, the one with the acid tongue, the control-freak, the pathological liar, the one with daddy issues, the insecure one, the one with the temper; they all spell drama to me and at 37, I’d rather go to bed alone with peace of mind than fall asleep in the arms of a Kim Kardashan look-alike who’ll be giving me hypertension the very next minute and to think some men are stuck with this for better or worse till death? Olorun maje oooh!
3. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks! I tried it with my dog Max and he just sat there eyeing me with a very bored expression on his doggy face. It’s the same with me. I moved out of my parents house at 26 and for 11 years I have cooked the same way, cleaned the same way, put my shoes in a particular place, arranged my house in a certain way and kept my socks in order. I’m meticulous, fastidious and a tad obsessive-compulsive. Ada learnt that the hard way. You can’t just come into a grown man’s house and start playing house- This ain’t your dollhouse! It was a nightmare. I couldn’t find anything. When I saw her toothbrush in the toilet, I knew she had to go. There can’t be two captains on this ship miss!
4. I do not have commitment phobia! That’s some unattractive little box obnoxious females like to put me and my kind in. Absolute rubbish! When I find her I’ll commit. But till then, there ain’t nobody gonna force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Shikena
5. Being alone makes me a master at everything I do. I’m an astute business man, a wine connoisseur, I’ve got a great body because I never miss my time at the gym, got excellent taste in clothes and because of my vast experience in woman anatomy and psychology, I am a great lover and well a master at woman-ergonomics! One thing I noticed about a lot of my friends is that once they meet the one, it gives them licence to sign up for mediocrity. Take George for example, I used to look up to George. He was fine, suave and successful and considered a great catch by the ladies. Now he is married, has a potbelly, never goes to the gym and is content with his regular 9-5 job. M-E-D-I-O-C-R-E! He tells me when I get married I’ll understand. Does getting married infect you with some virus? Eek!
6. Mummy stop praying. You make me feel guilty. And NO I won’t marry aunty Nkechi’s daughter and YES I will give you grandkids before you die! Sheesh
7. Yeah, yeah all my friends are married and from being in a wolf pack I’ve been reduced to the lone wolf and yes I’ve had to hangout with the younger dudes at work because my friends have to be home by 10 but hey who’s complaining? Certainly not me.
8. And yes it’s true I do have an impossibly long list of all the things I want in a woman but trust me if you’d been around as long as I have, you would realise that with great smarts comes great responsibility. I’m responsible for my own happiness, I’m smart enough to acknowledge this and to realise that the woman I pick has got to be able to keep me happy. Yeah yeah this is my curse. It’s really not about looks. At this age I’ve dated them all. Even Chinese and Jamaicans 😉 The thing is this woman has to get me totally. I don’t want someone who’s gonna try to change me or disrespect me and she has to be in sync with my chi. She’s gonna be my 10/10. (Told you 10 was my lucky number)
9. There’s nothing wrong with me! Friends, family and colleagues take note. I am not damaged goods, nobody broke my heart when I was young. Ok Chineye did but that was ages ago and I’m long over it. I do not have psychological issues or sexual issues and I do not come from a broken home. I choose to be single. Thank you
10. The doctor says I don’t have a biological clock and that as long as I keep fit, my sperms will be up and running till I’m 80! My uncle John got married at 55 so nobody rush me cos if the pressure becomes unbearable I’ll do the unthinkable- marry a random babe and heaven help you if she drives me insane cos I have a .47 and you’ll be the first I’ll gun down.
I am an unrepentant, unapologetic bachelor and life totally rocks. I wish women could take a cue from me cos they spend way too much time obsessing over a man or lack of one. Anyway I’m out, gotta go watch some football and guess what there’s no one here to fight me over the TV remote! #bliss

For B.Y, Y.O and Y.A take your time boys…;-)
Have a great week chutzpah family, xoxoxo 😉 😉

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2013 in Hall of Fame, Manology, Relationships

 

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Battle of the sexes reloaded!

I was chatting with a group of friends and the subject turned to marriage and how gender roles had evolved and soon there was a major battle of the sexes going on, temperatures rising and everyone bent on selling their ideals and it got me thinking…

In the old days, marriage was pretty simple. The man provided and protected, the woman catered and nurtured and helped her husband provide or protect if he couldn’t manage it alone or in his absence. The men catered and nurtured too if their wives were absent or sick. The man was the head and had the final say even when he erred and when his wife thought his methods foolish, she still complied only offering the slightest resistance. Sometimes a man who loved his wife dearly, seeing that she was wise and a strong woman would allow her more say in the affairs of the house but being the good woman she was, she never robbed her man of his manhood or bruised his ego as she acquired more power. Sounds like a story from years ago, well that was the norm in the days of old…

But guess what? The world evolved…along came the equal opportunities bill. Women got educated, women were allowed to vote, women were allowed to run for government and other leadership roles and women were allowed to work whenever and wherever they wanted. Any man who objected was called old-fashioned, sexist or a chauvinist! But how did this affect marriage? As women became bolder and more ambitious, they pursued their dreams, generally married later and started to earn more than a lot of their male counterparts. Women began to see being a housewife as a great bore, cooking as optional, child-rearing as a job for a nanny and house-keeping as a shared responsibility. With their financial freedom, they also got more say in the running of the household after all a lot of their hard-earned money went into providing for the family and they put in just as many hours of work daily as the men, sometimes more…A new order began to emerge…

Men became confused. They had always liked the order, they liked the feeling of being in-charge, of being provider and protector. They didn’t know a thing about catering and nurturing and those who could learn or did know feared that their egos would be sorely bruised if they had to adopt such roles they preferred to fight than adapt, at the risk of emasculation. The question of ‘who does what’ became an issue. The women wanted a new bill passed. Some reasoned that gender shouldn’t determine who was head of the house, rather intelligence and financial strength ought to be determinants. The women protested that if they provided as much or more than the men, then the men had to share the burden of nurturing and catering.

Even sex was not spared. As women grew bolder, they initiated love-making leading the dance ahead of their partners, men heard for the first time that raping their legal wife was a crime so if she said no, she meant it. Women withheld sex as punishment and rated their men’s performances in the bedroom and to further befuddle the men, women ceased to cheat based on emotional attachment but started cheating for the same reasons men did. And as the new became old, male-rape cases became a once in a ‘regular’ moon occurrence!

Men shouted, desperate for their voices to be heard as the question of ‘who is boss’ came up again and again. They were constantly fighting for their title. Women used to travel to foreign lands to settle with their men. Men found the reverse occurring especially when the woman had a more secure job. Men were left with children and a dirty house not to mention a cold bed, day in day out as their ambitious wives climbed the corporate ladder without them. A couple of them through no fault of theirs became master chefs and expert nannies desperate to keep up the home front. Seeing that the desired was not available, they cast their eyes to the maid with forced desire as she was paid to be available though their particular need was never in her job description…

Pre-nups didn’t even make sense anymore. Gone were the days where a man feared that a woman was marrying him only for his money. A pre-nuptial agreement guaranteed she didn’t get a dime if she abandoned the marriage but now it was the men finding themselves broke after a divorce and signing pre-nups when seeking the hand of a successful female top-shot. Now women got tired of marriage and walked out leaving the man with his kids when the reverse used to be the case. More women were being named bread-winners and were running their households with little or no input from their husbands.

Women wanted a say and now they had gotten it. The men were losing the battle slowly but surely and only a few continued to fight. Others adapted in the ways battles were won of old. They’d never fight a woman but since the advent of equality, the women had become Amazon warriors ready to kick their balls without apology and so they needed to man-up! They had to decide if they were ready to fight and be labelled chauvinists, surrender and have their manhood severed, compromise if the enemy was willing and sign a peace treaty or flee from the marriage institution altogether. For many it was a tough choice and it guided their search for a wife as those who chose to fight needed a weaker opponent, those who chose to run needed to be sharper and faster than their opponents, those who chose to sign a peace treaty needed their opponents to not screw them over or pretend and finally those who chose to surrender needed an opponent who would not be a dictator with a heart of stone. It had become a full-scale battle of the sexes and everyone wondered how the quest for love had become a war.

In the other camp, the women couldn’t believe how men had evolved in some ways but remained backwards in others. There were more stories of heart-break, more men lost to commitment phobia, men were fighting for the old ways while offering less and acting less than they should. They gave the women no choice but to crave independence, to prove to the men that they could make it without them. The women grew hardened, street savvy and ruthless. They gave as good as they got and showed the world that what a man could do, they could do better. They ran their homes, jobs and lives like a captain in a battle ship, combining feats that the man would single-handedly find impossible to achieve. They’d always known they were stronger and smarter but why weren’t they happier? Why did they cry when they watched romantic enactments of the old days? Why did they dream of a prince and wake up to see a city full of dogs? How many more frogs did they have to kiss and why for heaven’s sake had nature made this a symbiotic relationship? Why were they happy with their new roles but saddened at the same time? What irony was this?

It was a war alright and both parties groaned inwardly at the casualties. The lonely nights, the bruised egos, the fights, the tears, the effort put into proving who was better, the neglected children caught in the cross-fire, the heartbreak? Couldn’t someone wave a white flag?

The bible says wives submit to your husbands. The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 was rich, smart and beautiful and obviously captain of her ship but her husband is depicted as a happy man honoured at the gates by his peers, not scorned because his balls had been chopped off, obviously he was still the man. I sense a balance here. Abigail was wise and beautiful and married to a lazy brute but she didn’t up and leave, she stayed till the end of the story, lucky for her, the story had a sequel. What kind of love blurs gender roles, empowers the woman and yet makes her readily submit? The bible says husbands love your wives; ‘When a man loves a woman…’

A long time ago, women would submit regardless of whether they had love or not but with liberation came higher expectations. Women would not see the need to fight if they were heard without shouting, if their feelings were considered in decisions made, if they were not taken for granted, if cliche roles were not enforced with no regard for their newly acquired roles.

Ever notice how the men of old were hard-working, committed and devoted? Ever notice how their wives were the same? A bad marriage was an oddity hardly as common as it is today. Is there a hard and fast rule? Is there a permanent remedy for the current, fierce battle of the sexes? Well, action and reaction are equal and opposite. You get as good as you give. Submission is easy when love is absolute and the reverse holds true. Yes I am a 21st century woman, yes you are the modern-day man but we can still make this work. Take a walk with me sir…

Shout out to my friend S who inspired this post! Have a lovely day peeps…xoxoxo 😉 🙂 😉

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2011 in Manology, Relationships

 

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The Commitment Predator!

Never in the history of the world has it ever occurred that a person was protected from untoward advances because he or she announced they were committed to someone! Eve was tempted by the serpent even though she was solely for Adam. Abraham had to lie that Sarah was his sister because he was afraid the King would kill him just so he could acquire her. Joseph got jailed because he said no to a married woman. In fact, it seems you suddenly get ‘hotter’ when you are attached to someone else…

It was something we noticed in university. A hot single girl would get toasters but they were more often than not, men looking to sleep with her, while the girl in a serious relationship had to chase away other potential future husbands like flies. I had an ex who complained that a couple of weeks after we started dating, his market value suddenly tripled and every single girl wanted a piece of him. Did he walk with more swag because someone in the world thought he was awesome? We’ll never know… This phenomenon has repeated itself so many times that single people are starting to ask if there’s any justice in the world. 😦

I was talking to my friend J who recently got married and he seemed to punctuate every sentence with ‘Can’t you see I’m married’, while he brandished his shiny ring for all to see. I praised his whole-hearted commitment to the institute of marriage which got everyone laughing and he decided to share some secrets with me. They aren’t new but it’s quite alarming that all the men know these facts. Seems like we women need a new game plan cos catching your man without his wedding ring on is no more a sure banker that he is up to no good!

Here are J’s top 5 reasons why women prefer a married man! *shock*

1. Women believe married guys have more money so their needs will be better met.
2. Sometimes women want something discrete and without commitment- No strings attached and a married man is the right man for the job.
3. Married men are presumed to be more responsible since they actually forsook all others and made a lasting commitment. (An irony if you ask me)
4. Women like the fact that the men can be blackmailed easily. (My wife must not find out ohhh!)
5. Married men do not brag after scoring on a chick and women love that!!!

Unfortunately for the married women out there, J’s right but I know his wife is a lucky woman because a man who is willing to publicise the tricks of the game must not be eager to play the game and win! That’s why I am a firm believer that a man should sow all his wild oats and enjoy his youth before he settles down so that he has a ‘been there, done that’ mentality after marriage. It makes them calmer and more focussed. Although there are exceptions… 😉

Now back to the topic at hand…
Commitment predators are everywhere. I know a girl whose eyes light up every time she sees another woman’s man. To her it’s a personal challenge, a means to prove that she is better than the next woman especially if she succeeds in stealing the man’s attention. Single, unattached men hold no thrill for her. There are many men like her too. Hot looking bachelors that make men squirm and women blush once they set their eyes on another’s prey.

Covetousness is defined as a strong desire to obtain or acquire the possessions of another. The tenth commandment clearly states that ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, wife (girlfriend included), servants, ox (means of livelihood), ass (means of transportation) nor anything that is thy neighbour’s. Exodus 20:17. And in response to the subject matter, the unimpressed and cocky commitment predator says ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’; ‘all is fair in love and war!’. 😉

Where does all this leave the single folk? Some guys think there has got to be something wrong with a woman who’s single. They begin to slap imaginary character flaws on her. If she’s pretty, they’d complain that she was most likely choosy. If she had a temper or couldn’t cook or was slutty or stingy then they’d say that must be reason enough for her permanent lodge in singleville! It’s ridiculous because everyone knows a girl or guy in a serious relationship or even married, who has major character issues!
Even parents and older relations are not left out. An aunt of mine started complaining to my parents about my need to tone down my dressing in order to catch a husband. I was shocked because her idea of toning down on further explanation, was avoiding bright colours and dress styles that made me look remotely stylish however decent the outfit appeared! My cousin L with her cute dreads has had her fair share of ridicule like there were no married women with dreads in the world! Women have been warned about buying big cars or living in posh apartments that they have honestly worked for because it would chase away a potential husband. Single women have been labelled as loose because they have dated one too many men in a bid to find one who actually gets them. Even single men are not spared. They are harassed with a barrage of personality-assessment questions and every woman they merely glance at is immediately brought under close scrutiny by family as a potential wife. They are labelled as players, being too choosy or heart breakers all because they haven’t found the love of their lives. And then there’s the endless matchmaking… Would someone give these single people a break? They are not ill or deformed. Some of them would even revel in the joys of singlehood if they didn’t constantly have their families and society on their case. And then again there’s the commitment predator who charming as he/she is, constantly pushes them aside in pursuit of an unattainable feat…

Yes sometimes the predator gets lucky and a man or woman falls into the hands of this suave gentleman or daughter of eve and a hot romance ensues and then the person with the commitment makes the ultimate mistake! He/she decides the grass is greener on the other side and the predator is more exciting than his/her partner and breaks things off or even elopes only to discover that the CP loses interest once the thrill is spent! Sometimes these people return to their partners begging for forgiveness and blaming ‘Mr Devil’, other times they get caught in the throes of infidelity trying to eat their cake and have it and are kicked out and still blame ‘Mr Devil’. This is such a cliche story that people shouldn’t be fooled anymore.

Don’t mistake a commitment predator’s antics for those of a man or woman genuinely in love. There have been honest to goodness stories where a man or woman sees a woman or man in a relationship and is undaunted because he/she knows that person is their heart and some of these stories end in happy ever afters. Not sure about the wife-snatching or husband snatching oh, because one must consider the scandals surrounding adultery and divorce before embracing a love in Tokyo! 😉

How do you spot a commitment predator? They come in various sizes, shapes, colours and packages. When in doubt, seek advice. Remember that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush! And as for you CPs out there, everyday for the thief, one day for the owner. We know you have your personal, perfectly understandable reasons for this, most of which are tied to your fear of commitment, love for the exciting and the thrill of the chase but do remember Karma’s a b**ch and even 007 retires at some point to make way for new things!

Have a lovely week people and stay vigilant…xoxoxo 😉 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2011 in Manology, Relationships

 

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Making your man give up his bone!

  Women seem to think that they can train their men like lab rats or a cute puppy that’s taught to sit and roll over in exchange for certain treats. We always have the best intentions. Wanting only the best for our significant others. After all if we are gonna be divas and the men are gonna be our better-halves then they have to be a whole lot better than average. And like real estate, getting a man who fits your exact criteria may be either impossible or just more than your resources can attract so we’ve all resorted at some point to purchasing the run-off-the-mill house and hoping with love, care and some choice prodding, we can revamp the house and bring it to its former glory. Sounds like a plan right?

Well what do the men have to say about this? Research shows that after nagging, behavioural modification (manipulation) is man’s second biggest phobia in relationships. The fastest way to send a man packing is to give him a healthy dose of phobia 2 wrapped in phobia 1’s unattractive package. Why do men resist change? A woman will re-invent her entire being if it would please her man. I know women who would give a chameleon a run for its money because their appearance and outlook undergo constant change as dictated by the men they date. I have been an Arsenal fan, a Man-U fan and a Chelsea fan and that says nothing of my taste in sports/football clubs but more of my taste in men and my eagerness to please. And in comparison, I must say I have had it good. Some women have gone beyond the edge of reason tryna to be ‘Stepford wives’ and while only a small percentage of women will resist changing to please the man they love, most men in contrast, expect you to love them for who they are and leave them exactly how you found them. Take my friend T for example. He waved a red flag immediately I started talking about taking him with me to church for weekday services and accused me of behavioural modification. T’s a well-grounded fella but the thought of having a woman control his affairs made him squirm. It took gentle female persuasion to make him relax. What is it about tryna make a man better that has him running out the door faster than you can say ‘Jack Robinson’? Is it just his ego or the fact that manipulation and control are deep-seated in the heart of behavioural modifications and are antonyms to the love they represent?

I’ve always been a woman on a mission and many times I’d get bored if I didn’t have an ailment to nurse in the relationship. Amongst my more memorable ones were saving an ex from potential lung cancer, saving another from potential hell fire and saving a phlegmatic ex from potential mediocrity. One thing these men had in common was their resistance to change. It was akin to a man refusing to be saved from a burning building. How could I be a superhero if my heart throb didn’t wanna be super-saved? Like all men, they wanted love, they wanted understanding but more importantly they wanted acceptance. Now one would rightly quote that men are like leopards who don’t change their spots and that you shouldn’t smell what you cannot eat but c’mon you must realize that at the start of a relationship every one puts their best foot forward and vices are often downplayed or hidden! Hence we are faced with a dilemma of sorts. How do you keep your man from running while you pimp him up? I had a friend O, who had a really great relationship till she decided her man had JayZ’s million-dollar potential but wasn’t ambitious enough and it was up to her to unearth this potential and push him towards high-reaching goals. The pushing finally scared him off. He felt she was hard to please and he’d never be good enough for her, yet all she was tryna do was be the strong woman behind her successful man. Tough luck huh?

So what’s the secret to making a man give up his bone? Is it possible? Is it easy? As easy as making a dog give up his bone one would say. But I know a girl and I’m sure y’all know a girl like her too. A super human who somehow transformed her man into a tailor-made, excellent finish, well-bred specimen and you’d be amazed what she had to work with in the beginning. So how did she do it?
What did the women who dated him before her do wrong? Could’ve been something or could’ve been absolutely nothing! Sometimes all your hard work may be for some clueless babe coming after you to enjoy. Annoying innit? After my last breakup, I began questioning the save-your-man theory. If he was gonna leave in the long run, I might as well give the next babe some work to do but a wise aunt pointed out the fact that #dearfuturehusband whoever he was, would only be my dream man because of the experiences and behavioural modification he’d gotten from previous relationships. Agreed?! Yes the world is round and what goes around, comes around! #Q.E.D 😉 So how do we get our significant others to drop that one thing that makes them frail human beings? Just so that he/she can ascend to the realm of perfection…

The matter is quite a sensitive one and it could blow up in your face if not handled properly landing you in a hot ‘soup-opera’ starring as the bad guy with your man on the war path if he even concedes to stick around…
So here are some guidelines to follow:
– Constant appreciation makes criticism easier to handle.
– Remember you are both on the same team.
– Correcting each other should not be with a holier-than-thou attitude.
– If you say the same thing three times you are nagging.
– Prayer is your secret weapon!
– A perfect man/woman will make your imperfections stark and inexcusable, do you really want that? (We will not even delve into the matter that perfection in itself is a myth)
– Remember that there’s a woman out there who will gladly accept him warts and all.
– Time and Maturity are factors! (Don’t bother your head about issues that your man will inevitably outgrow as time and maturity set-in).
– It’s a tough world out there, no one wants to come back home and be judged.
– Communication is key. Unlike a goat, a man will change if he sees reason to. Make him see what he stands to gain and that your motives are unselfish.
– Be patient with him and soft-spoken. Gentleness calms even the most stubborn man.
– Tell him how happy the change would make you rather than telling him how sad/angry/disappointed the habit makes you.
– Boost his ego. Make him feel like a king and he’ll cross seven seas to do right by you.
– Do not command/threaten/bully him into changing.
– Understand where he is coming from and why he is the way he is and then take it a step at a time.
– Examine yourself. Sometimes putting all your energy into changing someone may be a psychological way of running from your own faults/weaknesses. #doctor-heal-thyself!

The only constant thing in life is change and people regardless of gender are all about self-improvement but if your motives are less than honorable and your man feels he is failing to measure up to an invisible standard you have set, he will get discouraged or defiant and find a person who makes loving less like engineering maths. Men are simple creatures. My male buddy, N always says women have 85% of the power in relationships but immediately they make the man realize that fact (mostly by being controlling or rubbing it in his face), the man regains all the power!

So Ladies, a behavioural modification is possible and even quite successful with the right approach and amount of sensitivity but when it becomes a behavioural manipulation, it can only lead to disaster. Remember to give your man a treat when he’s doing good and encourage him! #teamcheeryourman 😉

Guys, this post also applies to you! There are ways to make your woman ditch the wrapper and hair net forever 😉 or forsake that annoying habit…without manipulation!
…learn to speak her love language and a change in behaviour will be easy as pie! 😉

Shout out to my friend T, who inspired this post!
Have a lovely night peeps and if you haven’t voted, please go to http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/vote.php to vote for ‘Memoirs of a woman with Chutzpah’ in the 5 categories we were nominated! Thank you.
xoxoxoxo 😉

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Manology, Relationships

 

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