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10 Signs That He Is Not Ready For Marriage!

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Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!

1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!

Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!

2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)

If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!

3) He is a flirt

A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.

4) He has no plan for his life

If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.

5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family

The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.

6) He has odd ideals about marriage

Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.

7) All his friends are not married

If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.

8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)

This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.

9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority

Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!

10) He is about to relocate

A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.

Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

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Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Manology

 

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Is your new beau a serial monogamist?

There are obviously three types of guys- Those who don’t cheat, those who cheat and the serial monogamist. The serial monogamist is a guy who is faithful for the shortest possible time that he is in a relationship with you and as soon as he gets bored he finds an excuse to break up and is on to the next relationship in a flash and then the cycle continues.
So how do you spot a serial monogamist?
1) He has more exes than there are episodes on Tinsel!
Every time you step out you meet yet another ex! It’s like he’s been with the whole town.

2) His longest relationship lasted one month.
He was a very great boyfriend for 30 whole days till he wasn’t.
And if for whatever reason his ex wouldn’t give up the cookie before 90 days then his longest relationship lasted 100 days!

3) It’s always his ex’s fault that they broke up.
She was too clingy, too jealous, too crazy, moving too fast, always talking bad about his mother, wanted to get married too soon, didn’t like his friends…the list is endless. He always comes off looking like the victim who just had to run for dear life.

4) He is Mr. Right-now in every sense of the word.
He gets this funny look on his face right before he changes the subject any time you talk about any type of relationship goals. Who’d have thought going on holiday together would be such a big deal?

5) He is paranoid about babies and baby mamas.
He disposes of his condom himself, doesn’t sleep with you till the first time he catches you on your period and then you find a period tracker on his iPad that’s synchronized to your menstrual cycle. He never ever has unprotected sex and if he does, he serves you morning after pills alongside a hot cup of cocoa and doesn’t laugh at the joke you made about having a child together. He never leaves a trail and he makes sure his track record stays squeaky clean.

6) He has a very complicated plan for his future that doesn’t seem to flow with your plans in the least.
His aim is to ensure that you are not traveling the same path!

7) The texts on his phone to various women seem to all be a prelude to something more.
“Hey babe, you were looking so fly today…wish I wasn’t in a relationship…would never ever cheat on bae but who knows dreams do come true…x”

Like wtf???!!!!

8) His family don’t seem particularly interested in knowing your name.
He takes you for family gatherings and you think this shows he is considering a long term relationship with you but his family acts funny. They barely ask your name and act like you are nothing more than his plus one at the dinner party not their future in-law. They know the drill!

9) He is all about the romance.
This guy is a hopeless romantic. Breakfast in bed, flowers, songs dedicated to you on cool FM, cupcakes to your office, surprise gifts and just because I love you gestures but as soon as you both start acting like a normal couple he complains about the flames flickering out and is gone with the wind!

10) He never ever does the breaking up.
Now this sneaky fellow has perfected the art of breaking up with you without actually breaking up with you. When he is done with the relationship, he let’s it fizzle out. Too busy to pick your phone calls or reply your messages. Way to busy to come see you or be in the same room with you for more than 5 seconds. Avoidance is key to his strategy and sooner or later you break up with him out of frustration possibly via text message.

This smooth, suave, heart breaker would never be labeled a cheater, he prides himself in having great relationships which were fun while they lasted, too bad they are gone in 60 seconds! Ladies beware of the serial monogamist! Check out his track record before you say yes!

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to break his heart gently!

That awkward moment when you feel nothing anymore, when your relationship goals are no more in sync and his touch doesn’t bring you the pleasure it once did.
You know it’s time to cut loose but bae’s talking forever and all would be perfect if he was the one, except he isn’t the one and now you have to break his heart gently but you don’t know how.

Here’s how:
1) Honesty
It really is the best policy!
You need to sit him down and let him know things have changed and that he didn’t do wrong (well unless he did). Also make him understand through the shock and hurt that your decision was well thought out and is final and that you’ve had great times and you’ll miss him but you are better off apart!

2) Don’t look for the best time
There will never be the best time to break the news. He will get sweeter as if by instinct and you will feel guiltier by the second about hurting him. It’s better to just let it off your chest before he surprises you with a ring!

3) Space
Give him space. Don’t try to be there for him or help him grieve. You are the source of his pain and the only way he will grasp reality is if you exit his space and he doesn’t see you there doing all the things his heart is so fond of.

4) Don’t push a friendship.
It’s way too much too soon. Imagine if the tables were turned. He doesn’t wanna be friends. No one ever wants to go from being lovers to friends. It’s selfish to assume he would just move on and willingly be in the friendzone after he has had so much more. Give it a rest, if you will ever be friends he has to be the one to extend his hand of friendship.

5) Don’t be a dog in the manger
He will move on. It may not be immediately but he will move on and the irony of life is at the time he finds love again, you may not be seeing anyone which means it may sting a little. So don’t be a dog in a manger, don’t try to get him back only because you don’t wanna see him with someone else. Don’t try to remind him of how great you were together just because he seems to be having great moments with some one else. Just don’t!

Breaking a heart is tough, don’t you just wonder how the men seem to do it so easily?

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to get married in one year!

This post isn’t for everybody. It’s for the girl whose singular 2016 goal is to get married. She may or may not have a boyfriend but that doesn’t matter. These tips will take you from ‘Hello’ to ‘I do’ in a heart beat!

1) Finding the right man

Every woman has a list of qualities she wants in a man. Many of the things on our list of qualities are shallow, unrealistic or futuristic. Don’t bother about things that may change in a heartbeat! A qualified man is as good a pick as a rich man, a man with great genes may not have grown into his good looks possibly because he needs to gain some weight etc. So narrow down your list to 3 qualities you can absolutely not do without in your man. Here’s an example: 1) God fearing 2) University degree 3) Good man. Good is relative but we all know good when we see it!
Now get busy. You need a game plan for the first quarter of the year. These are the top 5 places to find the right guy:
1) Social media
2) Work space
3) Social circles
4) Church
5) Miscellaneous

  • Clean up your social media, anything that doesn’t say ‘wife material’ should not make it there! Semi- nude photos, turnt up pictures, ratchet pictures, pictures for thirsty dudes and messages or tweets that scream immature, one night stand, runz babe or ho should be deleted immediately!

  • Your work space is not just your office but every other office in your building, on your street and in your environs. Make a friend in every office. Apart from the possible networking opportunities, you get to meet people you’d never have met if you sat at your desk all day. There’s always a couple of minutes to spare. Some offices have lunch time fellowships, you could seize that opportunity to mingle with people from that office.

  • Social circles include all your family friends, all the owambes and weddings you get invited to, basically every opportunity to interact with the public. Look your best, act like a lady and avoid being too obvious or loud. You want to get noticed but not for the wrong reasons. Nude makeup is always the way to go because it appeals to men of different ideals and doctrines. Avoid indecent clothes they scream sexy, take me to bed not sexy for only you, marry me! Drop your phone! No pinging or checking social media at social events. No endless selfies, just plenty eye contact, laughs and a permanent smile on your face! Be approachable! Now is also a good time to accompany your mum, dad or elder siblings to visit their friends, you’d be surprised what gorgeous hunks you have as family friends that your family just forgot to mention!

  • Church is another fantastic place to meet the one but you can’t meet the one by just sitting in a great big auditorium every Sunday. You need to mingle! Join a group, a cell, become an usher or a greeter or join a fellowship for business professionals. Remember that meeting a brother in church doesn’t mean he is a saint!

  • Miscellaneous is every where else! On the street, at the cinema, while running an errand, in the hospital etc. The only place you cannot meet a man is on your bed! If you spend more hours at home being a couch potato than outside socializing, how on earth is a brother supposed to find his wife?

No matter how busy your life gets take two to four hours on one week day and four to six hours once on a weekend, dress up real good and go somewhere by yourself for a cup of tea or a meal. A table for one in a decent place where you are likely to meet someone. It could be for brunch, tea, lunch, dinner, entertainment or maybe even cocktails on a Friday night. Resist the urge to go straight home after work and plan towards that once a week date. Choose a different spot or restaurant every time and look awesome and no matter your first impression of the guy who steps up to you, be nice, cordial and listen to what he has to say. He may not be the one but he may introduce you to the one. He may not be the one but God may have sent him into your life for a great purpose. He may actually be the one but might not be putting his best foot forward! There’s never a good reason to be rude to a stranger!

If all else fails, add some new friends on social media! Go through the friends’ list of all your friends and add any attractive looking guy who isn’t listed as married. Like a couple of his pics and see how it goes! Facebook is great for that sorta stuff!

Eliminating time wasters:

Sometimes a man may look like Mr. Right, sound like Mr. Right but only be Mr. Right Now! So to eliminate time wasters here are 3 simple but direct questions and it’s better to ask them early in the relationship before you catch feelings.
1) What’s your plan for the next year of your life? If he doesn’t add finding a girl and settling down then don’t even bother.
2) Why are you attracted to me?
There has to be an answer in there to make you know he has some kind of non-sexual, possibly long term plans that include you. ‘You fascinate me’, ‘There’s something about you’…probe deeper.
3) Would you still wanna hang with me if I said I wasn’t putting out?
No time to waste, the sooner you know if he is only about the sex, the better!

This isn’t foolproof, some men lie!

And here are some deal breakers for women- if he has these, don’t even bother. Keep looking!
1. He is married or engaged.
2. He is an NFA (No future ambition).
3. He can’t keep a job- hooked on get rich quick schemes.
4. He has been engaged more than once before.
5. He has a history of violence especially towards women.
6. He can only marry a woman from a particular tribe, class, genotype or religion and you don’t fit.
7. He has a reputation as a player, only in it for the sex.
8. He is a ritualist or cultist.
9. He is a gold-digger.
10. He is a serial cheat.
11. He is addicted to drugs or weed or booze or prostitutes!
12. He is a pathological liar.
13. He has anger issues.
14. He is lazy.
15. He is wasteful, never saves for the future.
16. He is selfish.
17. He has an Obsessive Compulsive disorder that would affect you directly.
18. He has no obvious source of his income.
19. He doesn’t believe in God.
20. He is overly controlling.
21. He is an ex-con.
22. He has no qualms taking advantage of his maid, cleaner, the girl selling on the streets or any woman who cannot stand up to him.
23. He is a serial monogamist.
24. He is cruel to people around him.
25. He hates his mother or family without obvious cause.
Most men won’t volunteer this information so you have to dig deep!

2) Dating Mr. Right

OK so now you are in a relationship with a man you believe to be Mr. Right and you really don’t wanna screw it up like all the others.
These are silent deal breakers for men:
1. She lies
2. She is all about the money
3. I caught her flirting
4. She is attention-hungry on social media
5. Her life’s ambition is to get married i.e she has nothing else going for her.
6. She nags.
7. She shouts or snaps at me when she isn’t in the mood.
8. She easily gets moody or depressed.
9. She isn’t conscious about her weight.
10. My mother or family doesn’t like her.
11. She’s too rigid and never wants to compromise.
12. She’s controlling.
13. She is rude to others.
14. She questions my authority alot.
15. Tribe or Religious differences.
16. She can’t or hates to cook.
17. She’s dirty.
18. She has emotional baggage.
19. I don’t like her friends, she may be pretending.
20. She likes partying or clubbing too much.
21. She is stingy or selfish.
22. She is wasteful or greedy.
23. She dresses scandalously.
24. She is lazy.
25. She is too much of a drama queen.
You need to look closely at yourself. If any of these numbers aptly describes you, le boo may only be killing time with you!

3) How to get him to propose

Now this could be the toughest or the easiest part depending on whether you are dating Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right!
There are basically four steps.
1) Ascertain that he is ready mentally, financially and socially! Also be certain that his family has fully accepted you as iyawo-to-be and that he most importantly doesn’t have doubts about you!
2) Get him thinking about marriage!
From watching chick flicks with beautiful happily ever afters to movies where women sacrificed all and showed real virtue in marriage, essentially you want him seeing movies that show the benefit of having a good woman at your side for the long haul. Show him very romantic pre-wedding stories and keep telling him that you have always wanted a small wedding with only close family and friends, that way you sound really sensible and he knows he doesn’t have to break the bank to be with you!
Depending on the sort of relationship you have, you can drop bigger hints but you don’t want him seeing you as desperate. It’s a thin line so tread cautiously.
3) Do not ever give an ultimatum or get caught having a plan B or C!
That not only shows desperation but it shows him that you are only interested in getting married and you don’t care if it’s him or someone else.
4) Get people- close friends or family to put him on the spot every once in a while and act just as embarrassed when it happens!
“Jide when are you and Taiwo getting married? Your marriage will be the owambe of the year”
“Awww you guys will make very cute babies, when are you tying the knot?”
“Taiwo one of my cousin’s was asking about you but I told him Jide was your fiance, he was asking me where your ring was *giggles”
The message still gets passed across and it isn’t from your mouth!

4) Planning a wedding in three months!

The plan was to get married in a year and stage four usually starts in the last quarter of the year so you have to have seen it coming!
1) Get a secret folder with your dream wedding, guest list, play list, possible venues and vendors and colors already listed and with price quotations. This folder had better be passworded and have absolutely no references to your man so it is easily explained in the event of discovery. This makes planning the wedding easy because you are just following a well written script.
2) Save save save! Starting from the beginning of the year, you open an account just for the wedding and put in any spare cash you can so that you have quite the nest egg by the last quarter of the year. This is a sacrifice and putting money away is always a good idea.
3) A small intimate wedding can be a good thing, ask Toke! It’s also really easy to plan on short notice and with minimal stress and financial implications. The honeymoon can be postponed to the next year so that your hubby has time to save up!

And there it is! The city girl’s guide to getting married in one year! Do let me know if it works out for you! Happy New year people and may 2016 be the year of ‘I dos’.

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2015 in Relationships

 

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It’s all for the money $$$- A tale of one Lagos big girl….New beginnings: Part 2 Episode 5

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Modinat knew in that instance that he was going to kiss her. The unmistakable tilt of his chin and that dark, smouldering look in his eyes caused her tummy to lurch and she knew she had a choice; close her eyes and give in to the heady emotion or step away. There was no time to think…

“What is it babe?” He asked softly with the confusion that comes with getting mixed signals from a person you want so bad.
“I…I can’t. I am married and you are engaged!”
“But what we have transcends time and ties, I know you feel it just as strongly as I do”
“I feel nothing Azeez, we are not teenagers. This is crazy!”

Azeez grabbed my waist with a sudden aggression his breathe ragged in my ear.
“I will have you Modinat, I swear to you. Making you mine shall be my life’s mission…”
He kissed me deeply and with my thoughts in a maze of shock and unbridled passion I did the first thing that popped into my head.
“Ow!”
“That’s for kissing me without my permission”
He grinned and rubbed his cheek in a way that was all too distracting. I turned and walked towards my car. I needed to be home with my husband.
“I am moving into your neighborhood hon, I hope you won’t get into the habit of slapping your neighbour…”
His deep chuckle was the last thing I heard as I drove off in a hurry.

******************************************************************

“Having connections is koko in Naija”
Amaka smiled at my remark. Siki’s husband had been picked up and harassed by her father’s men and then he had signed an agreement never to come near her again. He hadn’t resisted and was just grateful to be allowed to leave without any permanent scars. We had all been shocked to realise that he wasn’t her ex. Siki had never divorced him. If the guy was more influential he could have made an issue out of it but instead he came after her. Siki was just a big bag of secrets. Almost as bad as I was lol. We waited patiently for her to be strong enough to talk while speculating about why she would choose to be a bigamist seeing as it was against the law. The only reason we could think of was the physical abuse. We watched over our friend like mother hens and her husband was grateful for the support. Siki could see the questions in our eyes but she was assured of our devotion and support. We were friends and friends stuck together no matter what. Which was of course one of the main reasons I couldn’t have anything to do with Azeez. I hadn’t seen him since that night but the way Mamus was carrying on, I knew she was in love and happy. I couldn’t take that away from her. There was also my Barry. The only real love of my life. That man’s love and devotion made hurting him a bizarre thought. He made me feel safe, secure and wanted and there was no way I was going to give up my marriage for a tall, dark stranger. There were too many stakes involved.

One bright Saturday morning Mamus, Zainab, Amaka and I were sitting around Siki’s bed making small talk when she took a deep breath and told us she was ready to tell us the story we were all itching to hear.

Siki’s story:
“Sometimes one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life. I met Wasiu at a party in Lagos some years ago. He looked nice and talked like he was somebody and we felt the attraction immediately. Wasiu had told me he worked in an oil company and I had been blown away by the car he drove and his sweet tongue. We started dating soon after and I tried to be a good girl for him. I never asked him for money because I had all the money I could want from the business deals I did and I didn’t stress him in anyway. Our love was a fairytale and one day he asked me to marry him. He told me straight up that he didn’t believe in big weddings and that a court wedding with dinner afterwards with a few friends was his ideal wedding. I agreed. I didn’t need a big wedding anyway. I had visited him in the modest apartment he shared with his friend a couple of times and when asked about the modesty, he had told me he was almost done building his house in lekki and didn’t want to waste money paying for an expensive apartment. The day I became Mrs Ajibade the truth began to unfold. We had skipped the honeymoon because he had to be at work and soon after I had settled in the modest apartment with his friend as a flatmate based on the premise that his mansion was almost complete. In two weeks being the sharp babe I was, I began to get suspicious. He never brought his car home, one excuse after another. He was always broke though he blamed that on his mansion in progress and he was always fast to ask me for money. The love began to wane and one day I confronted him. I asked him to tell me the truth and the truth was shocking. He was a driver for a big shot who worked in an oil company, he had no house anywhere and he was currently squatting with his friend cos he hadn’t had money for rent due to some other pressing issues. I had almost fainted.  I shouted and cursed and insulted him. I couldn’t believe I had been hoodwinked. I always considered myself a sharp babe. I guess I must have really bruised his ego because soon he was raining insults on me telling me he knew I slept with men for money and wasn’t fooled by my pretence and had only married me because my ‘business’ was so lucrative. I had cussed and thrown a stool at him and it must have triggered something because he beat the hell out of me. That night as I writhed in pain, he told me we were gonna move out of his friend’s apartment and that he had found us a new one and I was to pay for it the next morning or he would kill me. That was the beginning of my nightmare. I constantly walked the streets looking for men who would have their way with me in exchange for money at my husband’s insistence. He took all from me and left me with just enough to look good for the men and take care of any wounds I incurred from his constant beatings. He eventually quit his job and became my pimp, dictating who and who I was allowed to sleep with and even making me steal things from the men. I knew I had to escape. I had already met Tosin and he was quite smitten with me. One day I made up my mind to leave. I drugged Wasiu’s drink and ran. I lay low for a month avoiding all the places I usually hung out and didn’t pick any calls. I was constantly afraid he would find me and his threatening text messages had clogged up my inbox. I finally decided to change my SIM and move on with my life because I was seriously low on cash. I sent Tosin an sms with my new number and told him I had been kidnapped by unknown men and only just released. He came to get me and the fear in my eyes made him not doubt my story. He brought me here and in no time he made me his wife. I actually thought I was safe here till Wasiu broke into my home…”

I squeezed her hand as big fat tears rolled down her eyes. I wasn’t surprised at her story. I had encountered worse in my hustle. We were Lagos girls and we all had our sob stories. I looked at the other three, born with silver spoons- daring them to judge!
Amaka was the first to speak.
“I am so sorry Siki luv. I spoke to my father and Wasiu has been handled. He will never bother you again. You are safe here.”
Mamus dried her tears and Zainab seemed genuinely pained. Silver spoon or not, love and friendship prevailed. They may not have understood all of her pain or the reasons for some of her actions but they were behind her solidly. I smiled a grateful smile.
“Thanks guys, what would I do without friends like you? I hope you don’t think me a fool for not seeing Wasiu for what he was before marrying him. I truly fancied myself in love and love makes you do stupid things…”
We all nodded, lost in thought. Love did make us do stupid things and I was determined not to allow myself fall in love with Mamus’s fiance.
Just then Mamus looked at me and said;
“Toke I have been meaning to ask, how well do you know Azeez?”
My eyes widened, kai yawa don gas oh…

……………………………………………..to be continued………………………………….

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2014 in It's all for the money!, Series

 

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How to Re-date Your Ex!

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Are you stuck in the past? Feeling like a dog because your vomit ex seems so appealing? Are you beginning to feel leaving that relationship was a mistake? Have you realized the grass is truly not greener on the other side?

Whatever your reason may be, going back to an ex is a huge step and many times it’s a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes true love does still live there but before you even think about considering an ex, you have to critically ask yourself these 5 questions:

1. Am I interested in my ex because nobody better has come along and I am lonely or I am interested in him despite the great dudes that have come my way?

2. Whose fault was the break up? If it was his, am I ready to live with the faults that made me leave in the first place or am I expecting him to have changed? And if it was my fault, have I matured enough now not to hurt him again if given a second chance?

3. What are the odds that I will be given a second chance? Is he seeing anyone at the moment? Are they serious? Are we on good terms? Is there any sign that he still feels something for me?

4. Would I be able to handle his rejection if he chose not to get back with me? Would I be able to move on if he dumped me soon after we got back together as payback?

5. Would I be able to handle the negative energy from friends and foes who don’t want me to get back with him?

If you are confident about the answers to these questions, you can proceed. Remember that going into a relationship expecting an individual to change is foolhardy at best. If you are hell bent on making things right with that ex, here are ten tips that will give you a fighting chance!

1. Write a list of the ten things your ex loved most about you and make sure they are the first things he notices when he sees you. If those things are not physical, create scenarios where you can show off those attributes with him watching but don’t be too obvious!

2. Open the communication lines. Call him out of the blues or send a text message or readd him on your blackberry messenger. He will be suspicious no doubt but telling him you just wanna be friends is safe ground while you strategize. Remember you need to put him at ease if he is gonna let his guards down around you so don’t come on too strongly.

3. Go down memory lane. The good lane only please! Reminding him of your sweetest shared memories and how great you used to be together releases endorphins in his brain and would leave him nostalgic.

4. Do one remarkable thing he never thought you could do. He needs to see you as the new and improved version of yourself and if there is something he was always bugging you to do but you never got around to doing it, now is the time for action. Maybe he wanted you to lose a few pounds or get a masters degree. You may need to think hard but usually there is something.

5. Get better. Follow your dreams, get a makeover, go back to school, start your own business, the list is endless. An ex doesn’t wanna bump into you just to find out that nothing significant has happened in your life since the last time you guys dated. It reeks of stagnancy and that in itself is unattractive.

6. Take responsibility. A time will come in the pursuit of an ex when the hurt and the pain of the past relationship will be unearthed. Don’t play the blame game, don’t point fingers. Be as honest and sincere as you can be and take responsibility for the wrongs you did and apologize. This is a very big step, do not expect instant forgiveness. Give your ex time to heal and forgive.

7. Mark territory. Nobody knows a man like his ex. You know his favourite foods, music, movies, pet peeves, dislikes, what turns him on, his secrets and his fondest childhood memories. You have an edge over the new babe on the block (depending on how new she is). Just remember to keep it classy. No senseless fights or desperate moves. Forget all the rubbish you see on TV, there are ways to make your presence felt in a positive way that will aid the marking of territory. Just remember that men are anti-drama and even though we women may enjoy two guys fighting over us, the men are not keen on that sort of scenario. If he has a serious girlfriend, you may wanna back off because this may just be a very humiliating battle that you would most likely lose.

8. Get allies. His friends are your greatest allies because when it gets to the point where he isn’t sure whether to go back to you or not, he is gonna ask them for advice. Mend the fences with them. I know it’s easy to unfriend the friends of an ex and that’s probably what you did after the break up but if you are gonna have a successful second chance, you need them all on your side.

9. Create avenues for you to spend quality time with your ex. If you are still friends, suggest casual fun dates and if that won’t work, join a committee or group he is involved with. If all else fails, show up at his house with his favourite meal and a great movie or video game (not very tactful but it works). If he gives you a straight face, tell him you really need to talk.

10. Get involved in his life. Find out what you have missed since you guys were apart and fill in as many gaps as you can. Show him you care with ‘actions’ since your words may not mean much at this point (depending on the sort of breakup you had). Be his friend and his confidante and soon it would be just like old times. 🙂

Great romantic gestures also work wonders but use sparingly cos they temporarily distract from the underlying issues making you feel like you don’t have much work to do and you may end up with an unexpected disappointment when reality dawns on your ex.
     Getting back with an ex is serious work and taking the easy way out usually means the issues are left unresolved and a future breakup awaits. Sex is a no-no, it’s one of the easy ways out and it may guarantee you a temporary spot on his bed (cc: Okafor’s law) but it will not give you the second chance you crave. Men do not equate sex with love.

So there you have it. Goodluck cos you are gonna need all the luck in the world 😉
p.s: if your ex was abusive or a cheat, getting back with him for whatever reason isn’t the best thing to do. A good man will come around soon…

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,
Please share your thoughts on re-dating an ex!
xxx

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2014 in Relationships

 

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14 REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE

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Hey ladies, Valentine’s day fast approaches and for many women the countdown is one of dread. Are you wondering why on earth you are still single? Why you never seem to meet ‘correct bobos’ just losers and baggage carriers? Are you wondering why men keep failing to notice all the fabulousity that you are made of or why after all the oohs and aahs about how wonderful you are, they don’t take a step further to make you theirs?

Here are 14 reasons why you are still single…
1. You are fishing in the wrong waters: There are men everywhere, forget what the National Census says. One of the reasons you are still single could be because of the location of your market. Your selling point could be overshadowed by other shinier competition. Every wise fisherwoman knows you won’t catch anything in the wrong waters. This is akin to being on a man-hunt at a gay bar or a marriage retreat. Location is essential. Every woman has her selling point, that one feature or attribute that draws the men to you. It could be your smile or quick wit or intelligence but most men will not notice intelligence in a room full of long-legged, curvaceous women or a smile at a nightclub. Places with too many women become informal beauty contests with the few available men acting as judges. So carve your niche and own your space! 😉

2. You are trying too hard: Fake personality, fake accent, plastic surgery kinda make-up, fake mannerisms and airs, fake laughter, feigning interest, appearing too eager, the list is endless. There’s nothing wrong with looking good and being pleasant but there’s a thin line that separates a plastic babe from a beautiful woman and men take that line very seriously. Most men fear being deceived by a woman. One of my friends ‘S’ actually admitted that one of the pitfalls of picking up a woman at night was that she always turned out hideous in the morning when the makeup and darkness were gone (when the alcohol had worn off is what he meant 😉 ). Contrary to what women think, the average man knows when you are trying too hard and it spells ‘fake’, ‘poor self-esteem’ and ‘easy lay’. A calm woman is usually the one perceived to be confident and interesting.

3. You are stuck on the obvious: 1) What do you want in a man? Your answer is the same as millions of other girls. 2) What is the first thing you notice about a man? Your answer is the same as every other girl on the street. Your problem begins here. If you are too stuck on the obvious; his looks, his money, his laugh, his dressing, his swag etc., you will miss the man who was having an off day, the not so good looking prince charming, the eccentric billionaire and what have you. Many women argue that there are no good guys but when a good guy comes along they can’t don’t see him if he doesn’t fit their brain’s perception of eligible, hence they fail to recognize his existence. Sometimes your prince charming could be a jewel in the rough, all you need to do is get glasses look a little closer.

4. You are rolling with the wrong crowd: Are your friends all single? Get some married ones. There’s something about hanging out with married women that changes your perspective. So many single women have a whole armory of “I can never date…” or “I can never marry…” or “I can never do…” one thing or the other and their friends share the same views but sometimes rolling with someone different can positively change your mindset. I had a friend who would always say “I can never date a man shorter than me, much less marry him”. She did meet tall guys but they were all jerks (strangely enough) and one day she started hanging out with a girl who was married to a shorter dude and she realised how mundane height was where happiness was concerned. Look at your friends circumspectly, if you all think and reason alike and are all single, you should consider some outside influence.

5. You are a woman’s woman: All your female friend think your fashion sense , style, looks and sex appeal are on point but what do the men think? Try watching manswers on Sony max and you would be amazed how differently men are wired. If you feel you are doing everything right and yet still not bagging a man, try taking man advice from a man. Men have opinions about everything (SURPRISE!), from the way you wear your hair to the way you react to a situation…Men are from mars and women are from Venus, the best way to capture a man is to ask a Martian! 😉

6. You come on too strong: Yeah this is the age of female gender equality, women’s liberation etc but men are still in whatever age they were conceived in, and a woman who comes on too strongly freaks them out. You may think you are being confident, no-nonsense and assertive but all he sees is controlling, crazy and trouble. So take it easy babes, even if you know he likes you but he’s acting irritatingly slow for words calm down and read an encyclopedia while he gets his act together. Sometimes even a little unwanted encouragement can be seen as coming on too strongly.

7. You conclude too quickly: He says he isn’t ready for a relationship so you shut him out completely without a backward glance. Whatever reasons he gives you, as long as he isn’t saying what you want to hear, you shut him out sharply, sometimes without the minimal politeness required from a lady. You just may be shooting yourself in the foot. A lot of men find it hard to makeup their minds right away, other feel the need to ‘test’ you by playing mind games or thrusting you into ridiculous situations and others just need you to give them a reason to stay. If you felt right about him deep down but he is dragging his feet or saying contrary words, don’t slam the door, put him in the friend zone. Yeah that could be the hardest thing you have ever done but being nice and caring towards him even when your heart feels he should be kicked in the butt, could actually be the game changer. Don’t conclude too quickly! (Contraindicated in certain scenarios, use wisdom).

8. You are putting your worst foot forward: “I just show him my worst side immediately so that if he can’t take it, he won’t hang around wasting my time” “I can’t be fronting for any man, what he sees is what he gets, it’s called honesty.” Yes, honesty without tact! Your friends love the good and the bad things about you right? WRONG! Your friends are loyal to you and love you because they got to see and appreciate the good in you before it dawned on them that you weren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect and putting your worst foot forward is like deliberately serving your guests burnt food so that they know you aren’t a perfect cook. The thing is, this isn’t necessary because if the guests hang around long enough they are bound to taste both the good and the bad. Ditch the defense mechanism!

9. You are acting out a script: Who really are you? Some of you have actually forgotten who you are. The real you is buried beneath a pile of peer pressure, societal expectations, disappointments, facades, defense mechanisms, walls and anti-rejection strategies. Your need to fit in and be accepted has turned you into a poor copy of who you really are and when men look at you and your well rehearsed script, they see a lost woman who is hungry for love but cannot love another because she has not learnt to love herself. You are beautiful just the way you are…

10. You are exuding negative energy: Men cringe when surrounded by negativity. Negativity to them is best friends with nagging, yelling, backbiting, aggression and emotional instability. Being pessimistic about the first date won’t get you a second. I heard of a girl who kept telling a guy who was really interested in her that she couldn’t date him because he would end up hurting her. The guy finally got tired of trying to convince her and left her with her demons. Slay the Dragon of negativity in your life. No baby is born a pessimist!

11. You are stuck on your ex: You compare every man to your ex and they fall short. Girl you had better use that brain the Lord gave you to hatch up a plan to get your ex back or better still, move on! It’s no one’s fault you are single, you are the one still in a relationship with your past! Only single girls get hooked…

12. You are stuck on your dream man: Hollywood, Disney, Harlequin romance and Mills and Boons should be blamed for this tragedy. Babe you are not single, you are in a fantasy relationship. “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…I know you the gleam in your eyes is such a familiar gleam…” Wake up girl, life is passing you by. Men are human beings like you and I and being human is a contraindication to perfection, no man will ever fully measure up to your dream man!

13. You are stuck on your father: Little girls and their daddies, what a perfect picture that paints in the mind. Well you are a grown ass woman and unless you plan to have your mum assassinated and then somehow force daddy to marry you, you had better wake up to reality. Men describe women in this group as having daddy issues. Daddy may have loved her too much or maybe not enough and yes most men won’t treat you as good as daddy treats you (neither would you treat them as good as their mums treat them- more often than not!) but that is besides the point. Would you have married daddy back in the days when he was broke and skinny and not the most attractive man on the block? Would you still want daddy if mummy told you about her secret pains, the hidden tears and the hushed arguments? Trust me, daddy would want you to be with a better man than he was and if you don’t take your eyes off daddy, you won’t see all the wonderful men around you.

14. You aren’t trying hard enough: It could be where men are concerned; one bad breakup, one bad date, one bad encounter and now you have put all men in a box and dumped that box in the attic. Or maybe it’s with your appearance; men are visual creatures. Or maybe your character needs a serious overhaul. Whatever it is if you aren’t putting in any effort, don’t blame cupid when you are sitting all by yourself ‘Bridget Jones’s style’ on Valentine’s day!

Sometimes waiting for the right man to come around might be really hard, especially with friends getting married every weekend and family giving you all sorts of pressure but I urge you to spend the waiting time, pursuing your dreams and doing fabulous things with your life. Good things come to those who wait and one day when you least expect it, he will waltz into your life and never leave your side.

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 5, 2014 in Manology, Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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