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I was talking to my friend E who just got out of a relationship that lasted 11 years and amongst her fears was the fact that she was in her early twenties when she left the dating pool and now that she was back again in her thirties, the rules had changed. She now had to compete with younger women for attention while wrapping her head around the fact that Instagram and Snapchat had changed the game not to mention the added disadvantage that her dating skills were now rusty and outdated! 

Her story isn’t unusual. It doesn’t matter how many years you spent in the dating pool before you left or how good or sexy you were before you left. It also doesn’t matter whether you are coming from a broken relationship, marriage or a personal hiatus from dating, all that really matters at this point is that you are wondering if you can ever compete with the teeming number of sexy, 100 yards of wife material floating in the dating pool waiting to be caught by the very few good fishermen left!

Here are 10 ways to ease your passage back to singleville and the world of dating!

1. Forget everything you knew about dating before you got with your ex

Not that you even remember the specifics but trust me the OS you used to captivate your ex is now outdated and like sharks to blood the men in the dating pool in 2017 can smell fresh meat a mile away. 

2. Don’t go in with baggage

My friend P who is a confirmed ‘Igbo demon’ 😁 says that women with baggage are the easiest prey. If you still feel vulnerable then you’d be especially gullible and the next man who seems to care may steal your heart when all he wants is the cookie! Give yourself time to heal first. There’s no hurry.

3. Get your self confidence back 

Leaving a long term relationship comes with its own insecurities amidst the hurt. You may not feel or look your best, don’t patch things up and slap a huge band-aid over your injured self esteem just because you want to get back into the dating pool. Give it time. Once you are able to look at yourself in the mirror again and smile confidently, you are ready to date again. 

4. Don’t date because you are looking for a replacement 

If you are only looking for someone to fill the hole your ex left behind or someone to make your ex feel jealous then you don’t have closure yet. Now may not be the right time to date someone else because you risk hurting that person and yourself since you are obviously not ready.

5. Get on social media

There’s work to be done on social media. First you have to either sanitize your account by deleting all the pics of you and your ex or you get a new account altogether. Social media has become the proverbial bar to pick up guys and it’s supposed to be a reflection of your best self. Take some cute pictures and be social and soon enough some guy would slide into your DM.

6. Get a wingman

This is essential for surviving the dating pool! Get a female friend who is single and who is still actively dating and ride shot gun with her. Let her show you the ropes, the faux-pas, the types of guys to avoid and what to look out for in a man. Learn from her experiences and ask questions. You’d be surprised how rusty you are (don’t forget to take notes 😉).

7. Don’t be too eager

When you finally get a man interested, you may be very tempted to jump from ‘I like you’ to ‘let’s get married’ because you want to skip the unnecessary part and get back to your interrupted happily ever after (same story, different guy). This freaks guys the hell out. They don’t want a girl who is all over them or mothering them or making them husbands after the third date cos they interpret it as desperation and too much too soon makes you end up with yet another guy leaving you in the lurch. Take it slow, do some shakara and don’t act like he is saving you by being with you. 

8. Don’t jump to conclusions 

Don’t be too fast to stereotype your new man and toss him into a box labelled ‘men like your ex’ just because your heart isn’t ready to start trusting again. If you don’t understand his behaviour or motives seek clarification or ask a trusted third party for a second opinion. 

9. Don’t lose your individuality in the quest to reinvent yourself

The women dominating the dating pool mostly belong to a particular stereotype. Thick, Brazilian hair wearing, flawless light skin, make up on fleek and ready to twerk like a pro not to mention scoring major points in the kinky sex department! Truly it’s hard to compete and though you may be tempted to reinvent yourself to at least be able to compete with their perceived perfection, you need to not lose yourself in it because you want the man who eventually falls for you to fall for the real you and not the filters. To thine own self be true.

10. Don’t sit around waiting for your life to pick up

Get a job, start a business, join a gym, start a diet, get a life coach or do some traveling. A woman who is sitting around doing nothing after she leaves a relationship is wallowing in misery and allowing life to pass her by and the men see it as she not having any thing to bring to the table other than her pretty face and body. Men want more than that and nothing is as sexy as a woman who is in control of her life.

If you can’t date the version of you that you see in the mirror, no one else can!

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on January 3, 2017 in Relationships

 

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Nuggets for 2017 (1)

Happy new year people! We made it to yet another year and that’s reason enough to celebrate and of course to reflect and plan. 

I stumbled across 10 wise instructions for the new year and I want to discuss each with you for the next couple of days, from my perspective.

Here’s Numero uno!

Never embark on a project without prayer. Regardless of how prepared, professional or persistent you are, you NEED God.

There can’t be any form of planning without prayer. The belief in a higher power is the only form of security one can actually lay claims to in this time of economic and financial insecurity. 

Being prepared is not a guarantee! 

How many times have we been prepared for an event and then got thrown a curve ball? 

Being professional is not a sure banker!

Whether you are a professional or you act in a professional manner makes little difference when favors are to be dispensed. 

So many people have gotten jobs they were ill- qualified for and got passed over for positions that they were even over- qualified for. 

Being persistent could be misguided!

Persistence pays but not when you are barking up the wrong tree. For so many, persistence easily gives way to desperation and depression.

Proverbs sums it all up nicely!

So people let’s not put the cart before the horse in 2017! 

Have a lovely day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

Photo credits: Google images

 
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Posted by on January 3, 2017 in #TeamJesus

 

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16 Reasons to Be thankful for 2016 (despite the bloopers)

It’s so easy to look back on 2016 and call it your worst year yet. We got neck deep into an economic recession, pay checks got pay cuts while market prices soared and a bunch of people lost a lot to ponzi schemes…I’m sure far worse things happened (disease, death, heartbreak, betrayal etc) but instead of focusing on the nasty, I choose to be grateful for 2016 and usher in 2017 with a heart of gratitude. So here are 16 things to be grateful for as we draw the curtains on 2016!

1. You are alive

A lovely woman I know, lost her life a couple of weeks ago and just three months to her wedding. She was killed by a disgruntled steward (may her gentle soul RIP) :-(. So many have died this year. There are mass killings happening in Kaduna, we all should be grateful for life, I know I am.

2. You are healthy

I work with HIV patients at the teaching hospital and every day I interact with dozens of very sick people. It just makes you appreciate good health.

3. You have a job

So many people got laid off this year, so many others couldn’t find employment. If you have a job, no matter how crappy you think it is, you need to be thankful!

4. You traveled from point A to B without getting robbed, kidnapped or maimed.

We all did some form of traveling this year and despite the news we heard about car accidents, plane crashes, kidnaps and robberies we arrived our destinations safe and sound every time.

5. Despite the economy, we had some spare change for data, turn ups and junk food.

It might not seem like a lot but more than half of Nigeria’s population live on less than a dollar a day so by many standards you are considered upper class.

6. You didn’t pay lastma or FRSC exorbitant sums of money this year.

It’s something to be thankful for, if you doubt it just ask someone who got caught!

7. You had light albeit interrupted

Some people did not have power supply for the 12months in 2016 and some of them live in Lekki!

8. You got paid a salary even if it was delayed or incomplete

So many Nigerians in both the public and private sector didn’t get paid their salaries for months on end and are not even sure if or when the arrears will be paid.

9. You didn’t break up with your significant other this year

So many relationships, marriages, partnerships and friendships went awry this year. If yours is still intact and thriving you had better be thankful.

10. You didn’t invest all you had in a ponzi scheme

Yes you may have lost a big chunk of your savings but aren’t you glad you didn’t invest your house rent, school fees or business capital into the ponzi scheme? Be thankful that you didn’t lose more than you did.

11. You didn’t break the internet

So many people broke the internet this year and 97% of them did so for the wrong reasons so isn’t it enough to be thankful that your nude pic didn’t leak online, you weren’t arrested for theft or fraud and naijagistlive had no tea on you this year? 

12. You met your deadlines

Think about all the crazy deadlines you had this year especially the ones that seemed virtually impossible to achieve but they are now in the past and they didn’t break you so that’s another reason to be thankful. 

13. You didn’t bury a loved one 

So many people had their heart’s broken this year because they had to bury a father, brother, mother, sister, grandparent,  spouse, relative, friend or significant other. If you were spared such misery you have to be thankful.

14. Even with the dollar skyrocketing, you still paid your bills

You watched the dollar fly way beyond your reach but it didn’t stop you from paying your bills, going on trips and shopping online so that’s another reason to be thankful.

15. You got some of the things you wished and prayed for in 2016

Yes I know all your needs weren’t met but some were and that’s enough reason to be thankful because at the start of 2016 you had zero guarantees that you’d get some of those things but you did!

16. You have hope

Despite the economic recession, despite the hardship and tribulations you still have hope and that’s a reason to be thankful because there are some who are hopeless and despondent and they are the most miserable of all.

So you see 2016 wasn’t as bad as you thought it was…2017 will be an awesome year for us all in Jesus name…Amen

Counting down to the new year…

I moved my blog back to WordPress for several reasons that I won’t bore you with (just in case you were wondering about the URL change). I really want to blog more in 2017 so fingers crossed (won’t make any promises tonight). Have a great evening chutzpah FAM and thanks for not giving up on me…

Xoxo

:*

 
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Posted by on December 29, 2016 in Inspirational

 

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10 lessons from Toke Makinwa’s book ‘On Becoming’

I recently got around to reading Toke’s mini autobiography after all the buzz it created online and for someone who was Toke’s roommate in year 1 (newest hall, unilag), I initially wasn’t keen on reading it because I thought I had Toke all figured out. 
I had been roommates with her when she was living a wanton, majorly carefree life and coming from a sheltered home, Toke was to me the embodiment of the bad UNILAG girls I’d heard so much about. Through the years, that impression was reinforced every time her name came up regardless of whether it was for good or evil.

Little wonder that when the news first broke that she was having marital issues I kept thinking karma, karma, karma! Well if the truth be told, bad is a relative term and after reading her story I had a rethink about the woman I thought I had all figured out. Really until you have walked in a person’s shoes, you cannot ever judge said person regardless of their colorful past. Maybe we give karma too much credit! 

Toke is a strong woman, not because she didn’t make a ton of mistakes and not even because she went through the worst psychological trauma any child can endure but because even when her life was going all shades of wrong, she found strength in God and that strength gave her the will to finally move on, the grace to rise above her past and present and wisdom to spin the biggest sob story ever into a money making investment during a recession! Toke may never make it to my hero hall of fame but I have an unswerving respect for her. Her story could have happened to absolutely anyone regardless of what they did or didn’t do to deserve it. I know so many women who couldn’t rise above a husband who had betrayed them or some other life tragedy. From suicide to revenge, from bitterness to chronic sickness; many of these women could never find the strength to climb out of the murky waters that they had been unceremoniously thrown into. Breaking the silence is always a great place to start…

So without further ado, here are ten things I learned from reading Toke’s book:

  1. No one is really bad, they are just broken and many times the product of their past, don’t be so quick to judge. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone…

  2. Don’t ever manage a boyfriend, a lousy boyfriend makes an even lousier husband, your case won’t be the exception.

  3. If he breaks your heart the second time, don’t look back- just leave for good. The sting of betrayal is far worse than the prick of a heartbreak but the former only becomes apparent after you have vested too much time and emotion into the relationship. Get out while you are still ahead.

  4. You can never run out of ‘second’ chances. Even the bible says a righteous man falls seven times (and how many of us can actually call ourselves righteous) and yet rises up again. No matter how messed up your past is, your future can be unbelievably bright if you let God in.

  5. Get a support system that’s foolproof. You don’t need a million friends or fam. Two or three people that would always have your back no matter what and would always give you the truth instead of telling you what you want to hear, people you can trust with your life, your drama and your kids. Find them and keep them close!

  6. A counsellor should not be a last resort, if the problem is big enough to give you sleepless nights and you love the person enough to wanna stay, seek help. You both may have deep rooted psychological issues that will keep ruining things till you tackle them. Hurting people hurt others and more importantly broken people attract brokenness. Get the root problem fixed.

  7. God is close to the broken hearted and He doesn’t give two hoots about your past or what you did or didn’t do to deserve it. When you have no where else to turn, no place to hide, no one to run to, go to Him. He is always waiting with open arms.

  8. If you ignore the signs you won’t like your final destination. There are always signs. If you keep making excuses for him/her then you already deserve to be treated better. That is a sign! A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. People have clung to the devil they know instead of trusting there was an angel out there that they were yet to meet and the devil dragged them to hell. Take a leap of faith.

  9. Anyone or circumstance that makes you feel less about yourself or eats away at your self confidence is toxic. Love doesn’t live there, the sooner you realize you deserve better the sooner you can start your journey to freedom. It’s difficult but doable. 

  10. A person chooses to cheat. There is no such thing as he/she was pushed or tempted due to the inadequacies of his/her partner. It’s a personal decision. Yes I agree that some factors can make rationalizing the sin of infidelity easier but still it’s your sin. God will not hold you less accountable because you had a bad marriage or relationship. And for the men, if you never discussed the possibility of having a second wife with your partner BEFORE marriage- regardless of perceived tribal or religious norms- then it’s still wrong. Marrying your side chick or concubine doesn’t erase the sin of infidelity! If you are going to alter your partner’s life forever, she deserves a say in it before she commits to you. Speak up!

Toke I hope the release of this book, brings you a new lease on life, a breath of fresh air, closure and more importantly sets you on the path God created for you. You cannot have gone through fire only for you to turn your back on God when things start getting really good, resist compromise! Let this experience be your epiphany, your starting point for a fuller and better life and not just a well thought out business decision. I wish you all the best, and to everyone who thinks she deserved what she got due to karma or her poor choices or because she ignored the signs, take a chill pill, I was team karma too (and was quite vocal about it) but I realized that ‘nobody holy pass’ and we all have someone or something that is our ultimate weakness. It’s by His mercies alone that we are not consumed lest anyone should boast.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2016 in Relationships

 

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10 Reasons Why Many Women Cheat!

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Are you a good girl who has never cheated? Or a bad girl who doesn’t want to screw up this new relationship? Or may be you are a man who is worried his woman is going to cheat or a guy who has been cheated on and wants to know why it happened or maybe you are just curious…

This post is definitely for you!

Before we begin here are 3 facts:
1. Women cheat!
2. Women are not always emotionally involved when they cheat (a guy made that up to soothe his bruised ego)
3. Any woman can cheat!

Here are 10 reasons why a woman would cheat on you!
(in no particular order)

1) Boredom

She is bored with you or the relationship and she craves excitement. The thrill she once felt isn’t there any more and all that’s left is a routine and she literally feels like she is going to die of boredom if someone doesn’t rescue her. Too bad that someone isn’t you!

2) Financial desperation

She needs money really desperately, more than you can afford or are willing to give. It doesn’t matter if it is for a life or death situation or just for a new iphone, the fact is she needs the money and is going to get it any which way!

3) Peer pressure

The guy has gotten to her friends either physically or the idea of him appeals to them more than the idea of you so the friends who she always listens to are the very ones urging her to explore this dangerous but exciting option.

4) Emotional starvation

She is craving love, attention, security and time and she is getting barely enough for one human to survive on from you so she’s quite vulnerable and will jump at any one ready to feed her emotional hunger.


5) Sexual frustration

She is sexually frustrated either because you do not satisfy her or you cannot satisfy her. When was the last time she had a real orgasm? (not the fake ones women are famous for dishing out to soothe your fragile ego). When was the last time you cared about pleasing her in the bedroom or asked her how you could please her?

A woman should never walk around horny, unloved or insecure! 


6) Loneliness

A woman in a relationship can still be lonely. Are you always traveling or always leaving her by herself for long periods of time? Even when you are in the same house, do you spend more time in front of the TV or on your phone or laptop or in a separate room? A lonely woman will crave companionship and all it takes is one sneaky fellow who knows exactly how to deliver!


7) Career advancement

It’s a cutthroat world we live in and some women are ready to do anything it takes to get ahead. Of course a woman wouldn’t need to sleep around to advance her career if the men didn’t give her that option or even insist on it but your woman may be about to cheat simply because she loves her career too much to quit or settle for mediocrity.


8) Blackmail

Is she being blackmailed? Many men use sex as a cheap blackmail trick for an erring woman. Cheating on you may be an easier option than facing the consequences and in a twisted way she just might believe she is doing it to protect you or the relationship.


9) Lack of closure

Is she still hung up on her ex? Did he break her heart so bad and then leave without an explanation? Lack of closure usually comes to haunt many women years after they have supposedly moved on. A lot of women don’t even realize they are still carrying a torch for an ex till he comes around and starts making the moves on them.

10) Okafor’s law

Okafor’s law states that if you have been involved with a guy over a period of time in the past even if it was only a fling and the guy did a great job in the bedroom and out of it (but mostly in), he can always get you back in the sack with him with minimal effort regardless of whether you are now in a new relationship or happy or have moved on or are still mad at him or married or now in a convent!!! Now you see why this can be a worrisome problem where your lady is concerned. She may not even set out to cheat but just knowing that some guy out there can wield Okafor’s law over her and win is enough to rob you of some decent sleep!

So there you have it! The 10 most probable reasons why women cheat, each reason just as important and valid as the next. So the next time you want to take your woman or your relationship for granted, remember that any woman can cheat regardless of how much she loves you or how long you have been together or how many shared assets (including children) that you have, just like any man can cheat! She only chooses not to- so make the choice not to cheat one she would want to make every day. Treat her right!

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2016 in Relationships

 

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10 Signs That He Is Not Ready For Marriage!

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Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!

1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!

Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!

2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)

If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!

3) He is a flirt

A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.

4) He has no plan for his life

If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.

5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family

The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.

6) He has odd ideals about marriage

Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.

7) All his friends are not married

If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.

8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)

This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.

9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority

Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!

10) He is about to relocate

A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.

Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Manology

 

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The Wiser

Someone once told me that the worst sort of misfortune is to fail to learn from your own experience after failing to learn from the experiences of others leading to an infinite cycle of mistakes because you refused to learn. Sounds awful but you’d be amazed how common it is. 
If you have any doubts, look around you; the young girl who seems so well put together but keeps picking the Yoruba demons, married men on the prowl, serial monogamists, violent, insecure or yahoo boys as mates. Her whole dating history can be summed up into the caption for the movie ‘Edge of tomorrow’: Live.Die.Repeat.

Or how about the guy who jumps from one bad decision to another, fueled by the incessant ill- advice of no good friends or petty jealousy and rivalry or ego trips that turn up empty. First it was the pyramid scheme that would give him 1million from 1 thousand if only he recruited 9 other people (seemed easy enough) and then the forex deals that went sour and then the real estate deals that weren’t pure. Losing more money than he earns gotta be tough but is he the wiser?

Before you start judging, look inward. We all have that one thing that has become our live.die.repeat.

LIVE

Like any addiction we feel alive when we embark on a new misadventure. We believe that this time it will be different; that this situation is somehow different from the last or we are somehow more justified or have learned a bit more to be able to handle it this time.

And yet we…

DIE

Every single time we get crushed, the destructive pathway hurts a little more. The nightmarish déjà vu staring you in the face. They say only a mad man does the same thing the exact same way every effing time but expects a different result. So why does your anger seem to always get you into messed up situations? Why do your decisions lead to destruction? Why do you lose your cool? Why do you still chook head when you know how the story ends? The failed relationship, the lost finances, the broken friendships, the anarchy, the personal failures…

You know you die but like a moth to a flame you just can’t resist so you…

REPEAT

And then you swear you have learned your lesson till the next time the exact scenario plays out and then you fall on your face claiming that to err is human and it’s the way you were created and no one’s perfect and blah blah blah justifying your actions instead of making a conscious effort to learn from them and ditch the destructive behavior for good.

I am guilty, you probably are too!

Faults, addictions, character flaws and weaknesses should not get the better of you! Be the wiser, it is possible, regardless of how tempting delving in is. Remember that sometimes when you die, you really die. Choose to live!

Have a great day,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2016 in Inspirational

 

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