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Where is your tribe?

Where is your tribe?

When I was in primary school, I wanted a team of friends like the popular Chinese movie ‘Seven lucky kids’. If you don’t remember it, call me aunty, I insist!

But my friends never wanted to be a tribe. One of them even pushed K, causing her to break her arm because instead of understanding that I would love all of them equally, my friend F, saw K as her replacement and didn’t take kindly to it.

In secondary school, I wanted a group of friends like the Spice girls but my friend M was quite possessive, well according to reports by the other potential members of the Spice girl group, my other friend A was not keen on letting other people past her three is a crowd philosophy.

In University, I thought a miniature sex and the city group of friends would be amazing but again there was a problem. Two of my closest friends could not see eye to eye on anything. So even though I have quite a number of SATC-like pics, the dramatic undercurrent sizzled from time to time.

I have always had lots of friends, and I love each one especially but my friends rarely got along and it made me wonder why for the longest time. I was the girl that each friend would tell a secret to and warn not to tell the other girls because they were my friends and not hers even though she tolerated their audio friendship and sometimes was actually quite into it.

It was draining but a part of me liked the attention. I felt like a rich Alhaji whose (four or more) wives couldn’t get along even though I had promised to love all of them equally. I wasn’t the perfect friend, I still royally suck at keeping in touch but when you are my friend I will bend over backwards for you if I have to, regardless of distance or time apart. I don’t joke with loyalty or friendship. It wasn’t until I read Tim Lahaye’s book that I realised that I was acting like a true sanguine (let’s ignore the choleric part of my ‘SANchol’ personality assessment for now).

The world tries to peddle three narratives where female friendships are concerned.

1. Women can’t be friends. We are too competitive, too back stabbing, too *insert other derogatory terms*.

This is absolute bullocks. If you are a woman and you believe this, you are either hanging with the wrong crowd or you need to check yourself- you just may be the problem! One bad experience is not enough to disqualify the entire female race.

2. The fakest sort of friendships are the tribes! Despite the travel together, attend events together, coordinate clothing and 4 way phone conversations, the women actually hate each other and gossip about each other and there’s always the queen bee, the underdog, the famzer and the Judas in the entourage!

Naaah fam, leave the movies out of real life. A meaningful friendship can exist amongst several women. There just needs to be shared interests, mutual trust, boundaries, honest communication, kindness, love and forgiveness and many women have tribes that actually work!

3. Three is a crowd. Women can only be friends in pairs. Once there’s a third person, two would always be closer and there would be backbiting, hurt feelings and somebody always feeling left out.

Not true. If this was true then tribes wouldn’t exist. No friendship is perfect, if you want it to work, you need to put in the work!

Here are three actual facts about friendship among women:

1. It’s okay for there to be closer circles of friends within a big tribe.

It’s okay for two people to be closer to each other than everyone else but still be amazing friends to every one in the tribe. Remember that the larger a friendship circle is, the more complex the mashup of personalities, perceptions and opinions. This is mostly a good thing but it isn’t unexpected that friends with similar mindsets within the tribe or some other similarity would gravitate towards each other. Accept it, fighting it causes negative energy and discord within a tribe.

2. It’s necessary to know and set the rules of engagement for any friendship.

If you don’t like something, say it from the onset and reiterate it from time to time. If the person values you, they will act right and if they don’t, don’t be sentimental about moving. Passive aggression is the bedrock of beef. Don’t morph into a frenemy because your friend keeps jabbing at your wound albeit unconsciously. Also, be sensitive. Some people struggle with envy and on the other end of the spectrum, some people struggle with low self esteem which makes them continually boast about their achievements and material gains to cover up for secret inadequacies. Now imagine the disaster of a friendship if two women from either ends of this spectrum become BFFs? Our instincts do not go to sleep when picking friends, we just choose not to listen to them.

3. Fights, cat fights, cold wars and separations will happen.

Many women bear scars from previous friendships but here are two things you should know. The first is that this is not a reason to give up on female friendships. It’s just a mandate to be intentional about future friendships and test the waters before going all in. I actually pray about friendships before taking them to the next level because I’m a ‘stick with you through thick and thin’ kinda girl.

The second thing is to allow a small window in your heart for forgiveness. Remember that many times, discord is not entirely one person’s fault. If the person has matured and genuinely asks for forgiveness and wants another chance at the friendship, it could be because they miss the perks, access to your life or control (run from them) or because they have genuinely matured and miss the friendship (pause, reflect and maybe give it another go). I have this three strikes rule for friendship. After the third ‘how could she hurt me like this?’, I walk away. It feels like I have given the friendship my all and there is nothing left to give. This kind of walking away brings the sort of peace that evades you when you are keeping malice. There’s a finality to this one, closure as they say. I have only had to get to this final bus stop with two friends in my entire life and man, it wasn’t easy but the overwhelming peace I got after walking away was my assurance that it was the right thing to do.

My oldest friendship is 23 years old.

How old is your oldest (genuine, we are still in each other’s lives on a regular basis) friendship?

Back to tribes.

For centuries, tribes have been responsible for setting norms, coordinating behaviour patterns, setting standards for social interaction and defending individual members. If your tribe is successful, motivated, driven it would certainly rub off on you. If your friends live a phoney lifestyle or have questionable morals, that’s you babe, you can’t run away from that reputation. It’s a label by association so choose your labels wisely!

So where is my tribe?

I have several right now and I’m fully committed to all of them. It just occured to me that with the world being so mixed now (I’m half Auchi, half Isoko, 1/8th Hausa (one great grandmother), Bini by marriage, 1/2 Ibo (Ibusa- mother in law) and Yoruba by birth), I certainly can belong to more than one tribe! 😊

You can too.

When you have genuine friends, labels don’t matter. When you learn to keep the secrets told to you in confidence and learn to treat others as you would want to be treated, female friendships become easier, less complicated, less draining and of course, every grown woman knows how to spot bullsh*t a mile away, so you end up with less toxic friends and less frenemies because frankly, nobody gat time for that!

To have a friend, you’ve gotta be a friend

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,

Identify your tribe this Christmas and hold them close! ❤

Every woman needs a woman or women in her circle. Don’t joke with your support system!

 
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Posted by on December 5, 2019 in Relationships

 

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Sisterhood of the traveling bras

It’s been a hectic 12 hours and I finally got comfy 3 hours ago. Well not too comfy because the chairs are hard and I am stuck for another couple of hours at the Dubai airport enroute my final destination.

I always wear jeans and a comfy top with a jacket for long trips, guess it’s the sensible attire for travellers. However this trip, I wore a strapless bra I had bought on my last trip to DC and the bra was giving me all shades of drama. By the tenth hour I felt like my bra and I had gotten into a fight and she was winning.

I was cranky, uncomfortable, held at ransom by a beige push up and almost believing I was gonna suffocate so I did the only logical thing. I stepped into the bathroom, removed the offending piece of underwear, heaved a sigh of relief and walked out a free woman. Bra safely tucked into my handbag.

It was 4am in the morning so I was gonna pretend I didn’t see the middle aged white lady gasp when I stretched out my hands to wash them and my chest peeked out from the straight confines of the side of my jacket- bulbous, bouncy and unashamed. Perhaps a nipple winked at her but who cares it was 4am like I said and the breasts still had two layers of clothing between them and the world so I shrugged and smirked and walked out of the bathroom- a renegade was born!

Now what made this experience epic? I began to take notice of lots of women in my ermm predicament. If you are an avid people watcher like I am, you’ll be surprised at the number of braless women at an airport. You can’t blame them, sometimes wearing a bra for a very long flight can be akin to wearing stilletoes and trekking! Awful and unnecessary besides no ones knows you there except for your travel companions and immigration!!!

So here are 3 life nuggets to glean from the sisterhood of the travelling bras:

1. The little things matter- many times we plan for the big events but it may be the little ones that get us in a pickle. Pay attention to details.

2. If you can fix the problem, fix it! Caring more about how you are perceived rather than what makes you happy and able to live a full, free life is no way to live.

3. You are never alone in a situation. Once you take a leap of faith you’ll be more than pleased to know you didn’t jump alone. You just didn’t notice them earlier because you were operating on different wavelengths!

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,

xoxo

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2018 in Memoirs

 

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What Are Your Intentions?

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I was walking out of a meeting when an elderly colleague accosted me. She asked me to follow her into her office and wait there, then she proceeded to bring three other women also senior colleagues into her office. Being a smart woman, my brain had already figured out that there was going to be trouble and that it had to do with how I looked because this woman and I had never crossed paths before now. I looked at my hair, neat not over the top, not coloured like a rainbow. My ward-coat was clean and neat and my shoes were flat and demure and then I saw it. My red dress (yes doctors wear red every once in a while calm down!) had ridden up a little to my knee instead of staying where I put it (which was below my knees)- not that that should matter which is why I hadn’t bothered adjusting the pesky thing since I had a coat on but alas I had been called into the principal’s office so all offences mattered. I hastily adjusted my dress as she walked in with the last senior colleague.

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“Oh you have adjusted your dress! Why do you think it’s okay to walk around with a dress like this? And see her earrings, her hair obscures them but they look to me like chandeliers”

I was dumbfounded and embarrassed all at once. Words failed me. Not that they would have helped at that point.

She looked at the other women. “She must be unmarried and a house officer or one of the new registrars just starting residency!” She finished. Awaiting their nods and oohs and aahs of similar disapproval.

I was chagrined!

One of the women spoke up. “She is actually married and a senior registrar”.

Madam was taken aback. Maybe if she knew I wasn’t a newbie she may have decided to call me privately into her office like a mother would instead of subjecting me to such open ridicule.

My ears were hot.

“Well then she must be a product of your institution because a graduate from MY prestigious school would not dress like this.” She muttered in further disdain.

One of her colleagues smiled quite a knowing smile and then asked me; “Young woman where did you finish from?”

“UNILAG ma”

At this point I would like to pause and say that ‘the woman never hexperrerit!

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I was married, a Senior registrar and an alumnus from the very same school she finished from! She thought she had me all figured out and as such had acted as accuser, judge, jury and hangman but I was actually just some married woman who left her house in a hurry that morning only to discover the fashion faux-pas as she raced to clinic. A faux-pas that I tried to salvage by leaving my ward coat on all day. I wasn’t a villain, I had never been accosted for ‘provocative dressing’ and I sure as hell didn’t have a secret agenda for the men in my department.

I found my voice…

“Ma, please I do not usually dress like this. This was a fashion faux-pas which I only noticed after I left the house. I am sorry”.

The matter ended shortly and she told me they all would be watching me for future offences.

The other senior colleagues had been quite uncomfortable throughout the whole exchange and one of them sweetly called me the very next day to assure me that the whole debacle had stemmed from only good intentions. I appreciated the call but I was still a bit shell-shocked. You kinda assume that when you’re married and part of the old girl’s club, older women will treat you more like one of their own and less like an errant teenager.

One of my friends who is a banker had so many issues with her line manager till she finally put in for a transfer. The woman was always picking on her dressing, accusing her of not dressing like a married woman even though her dressing was within the confines of the bank’s dress code simply because she was blessed with the kind of coke-bottle shape that made a sack look sexy! (HR would have promptly sent for her if she was erring) and even went as far as calling her husband an irresponsible ‘yahoo’ boy. A husband the woman had never even met! Another woman I know wore mildly distressed jeans (distressed at the knees) out with her husband and while he was parking the car, an older woman came to lecture her on why a married woman should never dress like this and then once the woman spied her husband, she said the younger woman’s behaviour was excused simply because she had her husband in tow! One of my older colleagues had gone for a meeting and had been chastised by a woman there that her suit was attracting too much attention and she shouldn’t have worn it. The suit in question was a dress suit with a sleeveless dress and jacket (she had the jacket in her hands because it was hot) her exposed arms were the woman’s problem.  My colleague calmly pointed to another woman who was wearing a very provocative suit and said ‘Why don’t you start with her?’ The woman promptly replied that the other woman was married with a son almost in the university but she had heard that she was single. My colleague shook her head and corrected the woman, she also was very married and her daughter was in SS2! I taya for some people oh. So if my colleague wasn’t married it would have been okay to embarrass her like that? And do women need to wear bigger wedding rings- not to ward off men but to ward off unsavoury comments from other women? These are the issues!

An older woman should be a mentor regardless of age difference- agreed! But what is her intention? To build up or tear down? To effect change or sprout bitterness? Is she speaking the truth with love? Or just telling it like it is regardless of who she hurts? A hurting human is more likely to be obstinate and resist change. Like one woman I know put it, sometimes a woman who is out there correcting other people’s children either has no control over her own or imagines hers to be perfect. Another woman pointed out that a scorned woman may be projecting her frustrations on the next seemingly happy woman beside her enshrouding her bitterness in chastisement. We have all been corrected in the past- old, young, single and married. The gentle old woman, who calls you aside to secretly help you adjust your skirt makes a more lasting impression than the one who loudly points out that your skirt is tucked into your briefs at the back when you exit the ladies room.

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Ladies- regardless of age or our diversities, we need to debunk the widely held beliefs that women tear each other down. Let’s be patient with each other and speak our truths with love. Let’s stand with each other and build up instead of tear down. The next woman will not steal the shine off your crown neither will she rob you of your spotlight, make you feel redundant or steal your man and she definitely isn’t the cause of all your problems in life. So many women have missed networking opportunities and opportunities to bond simply because they judged and misjudged another woman too hastily. Let’s be mothers and sisters before we are haters and fighters. Let’s spread love wherever we go. Sowing good never brought forth evil! What are your intentions? Let this guide your words, thoughts and actions.

FYI, the red dress in question is currently serving time at the back of my wardrobe! It cannor come and embarrass me and get away with it!

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Have a lovely Saturday Chutzpah fam,

xoxo

 
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Posted by on June 2, 2018 in Me, Myself and I

 

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The Argument against Gossip

Gossip is therapeutic. I am a grownass woman and I can attest to this fact!

Talking about your grievances against someone to a neutral sympathetic ear makes you feel instantly better.

We justify it by saying we are only confiding in a friend who understands; or airing our views to one who wouldn’t blow it out of proportion. We shy away from the word back-biting seeing it as an unkind synonym.

‘I am not a confrontational person’, we say.

‘I am passive aggressive’, we seek to justify.

‘He/She would never accept the fault was theirs’, we argue.

‘It may lead to a big fight and an end to a friendship you still need’, we silently agitate.

So we say nothing. We talk about our grievances to all and sundry except the aggressor; not realizing that we are creating a monster. A person who feels they do no wrong and goes through life unchecked.

We unknowingly groom a self-righteous fiend and then one day it goes too far and you blow the lid off your pent up emotions and say more than you should about every damn issue that has ever bothered you and the other person is taken aback believing his small misdemeanor led to a torrential outpouring of negative emotion. We overreact like a pressure cooker in its prime. Many friendships do not survive that, even well-meaning ones.

So is gossip really therapeutic? Maybe in the short run but facing your issues with the one you call friend is an investment in your future.

You know you deserve better so if there’s someone out there who you call a friend, who has done things to you that make you choke up with unspoken emotion every time you think of them, man up and tell that person exactly how you feel. Cut out the insults and assumptions and say it as you see and feel it. It won’t be pretty but your friendship will come out stronger and if you have to kiss the friendship goodbye then consider it self-preservation. Nobody is indispensable!

Rise above gossip. Don’t say it to them till you have said it to him/her. #hardbutworthatry

Matthew 18:15 KJV;

‘Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.’

I wish for you friends that stick closer than brothers…

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2018 in Inspirational

 

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Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty IV

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Bunmi was sure Tito was the one.

Well it hadn’t been Kunle, Seun, Bariyu or Emmy so this was just a logical case of elimination!

Tito was the last man standing and she was basically tired of dating. All her friends were married with kids and she was tired of being the ‘aunty’. Most of her friends were no longer even called their names. They were either Mrs This or Mrs That or Mama Tolu or Mama Ngozi. She was tired of the match making too. She had been match made with every man there was, even her friends’ exes. Why God saw it fit to keep her single at thirty was hard to fathom.

The name calling wasn’t even funny. Old cargo, akugbe, big girl, older woman in fact sooner or later they’d be referring to her as ‘elderly’. Geez. Thank God for Tito. Yea he wasn’t faithful but at least he was fine, successful, hard-working and ready to settle. The thing was for some reason he hadn’t put a ring on it despite the fact that she had only agreed to date him because he had said he was ready for marriage. Naija men could teach the devil a thing or two about telling lies geez!

Now she had devised a plan. She named it OPERATION P.A.R.O.I (Put A Ring On It). It was just too bad that her sidekicks Amaka and Fikayo were not in support. Well they would be sorry when she sold them aso ebi at the end of the year. Tito didn’t stand a chance. He would be begging to be her husband by the time she was done.

She had eliminated the competition and that was just the beginning. Next on her agenda was to get him to announce her to the world. She was talking bbm, Facebook, instagram, his office, his church, his extended family. Tito’s birthday was around the corner and she had a plan…

She knew his younger sister was getting married next month but he was yet to invite her and seeing as she was his only sister, she knew all his friends were going to be there and the wedding would get great social media coverage, now she had to find a way of getting herself not only invited but decked in family asoebi. She picked up her tablet and scrolled through Tito’s Facebook page till she found his sister on his friend’s list. She added her on Facebook and then sent her a message.

“Hi dear,
This is Tito’s girlfriend Bunmi. Congrats on your upcoming wedding dear. Tito and I are so excited. I bought you a really lovely Marc Jacobs reception dress with shoes to match. I hope you haven’t gotten a reception dress yet, I was hoping you and I could meet up for dinner one of these days so I can give it to you, I know you will be mad busy in a couple of weeks as the D-day draws closer. Please don’t tell Tito I contacted you, he wants to introduce me formerly at your wedding, I just needed to give you this early wedding present. Buzz me soon.
Xxx
Bunmi”

She read it, smiled and pressed ‘send’ before she had a re-think. She hoped the girl would come with asoebi so she wouldn’t have to bring it up. Meanwhile she had a phone call to make.

“Hello”
“Hi dearie”
“You know how I said I would one day need that favour you promised?”
“Bunmi Kai what do you need?”
“Don’t worry I know you can deliver. I need a Marc Jacobs dress with a pair of shoes to match for a wedding. Actually the bride’s second dress and I want it to be fabulous.”
“You are getting married? *screammmm”
“No not yet hon, it’s for my future sister in law”
“Are you sure you wanna spend that kinda money because I am looking at the perfect ensemble and it costs 6 figures”
“Great, I will take it on credit. Ask your girl to wrap it up and send to my office today”
“We don’t sell on credit madam”
“And that’s the favour you owe me. A size 8 dress and size 6 shoes BTW. Thanks hon, kisses”

I cut the phone before Amina could change her mind. I knew she would deliver. She owed me big time. I was the only one on this planet who knew that her precious son did not belong to her precious husband. I was great at keeping secrets and she knew that.

Now I know you are wondering how I knew Tito’s sister’s sizes? Well I have a penchant for that sort of thing and I had some help. Apparently the babe loves to shop online and I read some of her comments on fashion pages on Facebook where she kept asking if they had the dress in size 8 or the shoes in size 6. Omo, people had their entire lives on social media nowadays…

3 hours later.

“Dear Bunmi,
You really must be Tito’s best kept secret. I am so excited he has a serious girlfriend now. Here’s my BlackBerry pin, 26ba77f. Add me on bbm so we can chat more, I don’t do Facebook so often. Can’t wait to see the dress. I know you haven’t been introduced formally to the family but I am gonna keep 6 yards of asoebi for you at no extra cost.
Take care dear,
Tosan”

Bunmi grinned. By the time she was done, Tito would have no idea what hit him. She thought of the 120k she owed Amina and dialed Tito’s number.

“Hi baby”
“Hi dear, how are you?”
“Not too good hon, I am in a bit of trouble. I need 120k urgently to pay for something but my salary isn’t coming till the end of the month and I am totally broke. Please help me baby, I will pay you asap.”
“Babe you know I would have loved to help you but with my sister’s wedding coming I am so cleaned out right now”
“Please Tito, I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important. Please I have no one else to turn to, besides you know you owe me after you cancelled the Ibadan trip…”
“…sigh. OK babe, will see what I can do”
“Thanks dear, love you and to show my appreciation I am gonna make you your favorite amala and ewedu soup with ogufe and guess what’s for dessert?”
Tito laughed a naughty laugh and then she made kissy sounds over the phone before hanging up.

She wished he was that malleable where putting a ring on her finger was concerned. Anyway her plan was bound to work. That evening just as she was leaving work, she got the credit alert. They were her very best type of text messages. Tito had come through for her. She used the mobile banking app on her phone to deftly transfer the money to Amina.

She smiled…mission accomplished and this was just the beginning…

…To be continued

 

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Perils and Pleasures of Dating after Thirty III

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Fikayo couldn’t believe her friends were going on and on about thirty like it was a plague. She had just turned thirty and she felt fabulous. In her opinion, thirty was the new twenty. She checked out her outfit in the mirror and smiled. She had a great figure, extra pounds aside and she had a date with a man who tickled her brain intellectually. He was hot, accomplished and suave and they were in no mood to hurry things. Tonight they were going to have a long conversation over a very expensive bottle of wine at a luxurious wine bar and giggle like high-schoolers and then her date was going to walk her to her car, kiss her goodnight and watch as she sped on home. She didn’t care that he might want something more from her; she didn’t stop to think for a second that he could be husband material. No she was long past the phase where every man who as much as walked past her was a potential mate.

She picked up the bottle of her signature scent and smiled. What wasn’t there to love about turning thirty? The new decade had brought with it an appreciation of the finer things in life. She had spent her twenties hustling, working long hours for horrible bosses and getting pay that wasn’t nearly enough. Now she was a small madam at the office, having paid her dues and could go and come as she pleased with all the perks. In her twenties she had focused on meeting the right men and keeping track of myriads of friends but now she realized that quality trumped quantity every time. She had only a select few that she called friends and they valued her just as much as she valued them and now she saw that husband aside; there was no person as important as the family God had given her. She saw her parents become her friends and looked forward to evenings spent with them. Her mother’s concern for her single status was born out of love and a longing for grandchildren but the woman always calmed down when she held her in her arms and said “Mother, He makes all things beautiful in His time”.

And the men…in her twenties she had learnt lessons for a lifetime- From books, from others and the unforgettable personal experiences. She remembered Thomas, the guy who had stolen her heart at 27, their love had been beautiful but alas, it had not stood the test of time. Thomas had wanted a child before wedlock and she had refused to oblige despite the pleas of he and his parents. She hadn’t wanted to be married for the wrong reasons and Thomas had mournfully exited her life. She remembered how long it took the hole in her heart to fill up, she had asked God why so many times but the thing is life really was funny. Now she wouldn’t even consider marrying Thomas. He was perfect for Fikayo at 27 but absolutely wrong for Fikayo at 30. She shuddered to think about what would have happened if she had married him at 27. Would they have drifted apart as she evolved or would she have failed to evolve into this beautiful, self-assured person who knew exactly what her purpose was on this earth because her wings had been cut in the name of marriage? She felt a certain sadness for women who had felt pressured into marrying before 30, they would never understand this. Now the men who came into her life realized soon that she was not to be put in the box labeled ‘Thirty and searching’. They stayed because they were intrigued by her, because they enjoyed her company and were wowed by her blatant unawareness of the social expectations of this modern age. She only spent her evenings with people who added value to her; memorable conversations, shared laughs and exciting adventures. She no longer had to endure a boring conversation because ‘he may be the one’ or put up with his conceit and vain talk because ‘he was considered husband material’. She had done all of that in her twenties and look how that turned out.

She chuckled to herself as her phone buzzed. It was time for her date and she felt so serene. She said a prayer by her bed before slipping on her shoes and she picked up her car keys she thought of God, the one person who had been with her every step of the way-Through the heart aches, the fun times and the uncertainties. He was really the one who boosted her confidence because a long time ago when she was in a dark place he had said unto her “I know the thoughts I have towards you, thoughts of good and not evil, to bring you to an expected end…” She knew that that expected end would be fabulous. She didn’t care about the journey anymore, if she was going to be married then she was going to be married to the very best man there was for her. She wasn’t gonna settle because she was the daughter of a king. Tonight she would focus on the pleasures of dating after thirty. She turned on the radio and sang loudly as she drove into the sunset…I gotta feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good night

…to be continued

 

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How to Re-date Your Ex!

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Are you stuck in the past? Feeling like a dog because your vomit ex seems so appealing? Are you beginning to feel leaving that relationship was a mistake? Have you realized the grass is truly not greener on the other side?

Whatever your reason may be, going back to an ex is a huge step and many times it’s a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes true love does still live there but before you even think about considering an ex, you have to critically ask yourself these 5 questions:

1. Am I interested in my ex because nobody better has come along and I am lonely or I am interested in him despite the great dudes that have come my way?

2. Whose fault was the break up? If it was his, am I ready to live with the faults that made me leave in the first place or am I expecting him to have changed? And if it was my fault, have I matured enough now not to hurt him again if given a second chance?

3. What are the odds that I will be given a second chance? Is he seeing anyone at the moment? Are they serious? Are we on good terms? Is there any sign that he still feels something for me?

4. Would I be able to handle his rejection if he chose not to get back with me? Would I be able to move on if he dumped me soon after we got back together as payback?

5. Would I be able to handle the negative energy from friends and foes who don’t want me to get back with him?

If you are confident about the answers to these questions, you can proceed. Remember that going into a relationship expecting an individual to change is foolhardy at best. If you are hell bent on making things right with that ex, here are ten tips that will give you a fighting chance!

1. Write a list of the ten things your ex loved most about you and make sure they are the first things he notices when he sees you. If those things are not physical, create scenarios where you can show off those attributes with him watching but don’t be too obvious!

2. Open the communication lines. Call him out of the blues or send a text message or readd him on your blackberry messenger. He will be suspicious no doubt but telling him you just wanna be friends is safe ground while you strategize. Remember you need to put him at ease if he is gonna let his guards down around you so don’t come on too strongly.

3. Go down memory lane. The good lane only please! Reminding him of your sweetest shared memories and how great you used to be together releases endorphins in his brain and would leave him nostalgic.

4. Do one remarkable thing he never thought you could do. He needs to see you as the new and improved version of yourself and if there is something he was always bugging you to do but you never got around to doing it, now is the time for action. Maybe he wanted you to lose a few pounds or get a masters degree. You may need to think hard but usually there is something.

5. Get better. Follow your dreams, get a makeover, go back to school, start your own business, the list is endless. An ex doesn’t wanna bump into you just to find out that nothing significant has happened in your life since the last time you guys dated. It reeks of stagnancy and that in itself is unattractive.

6. Take responsibility. A time will come in the pursuit of an ex when the hurt and the pain of the past relationship will be unearthed. Don’t play the blame game, don’t point fingers. Be as honest and sincere as you can be and take responsibility for the wrongs you did and apologize. This is a very big step, do not expect instant forgiveness. Give your ex time to heal and forgive.

7. Mark territory. Nobody knows a man like his ex. You know his favourite foods, music, movies, pet peeves, dislikes, what turns him on, his secrets and his fondest childhood memories. You have an edge over the new babe on the block (depending on how new she is). Just remember to keep it classy. No senseless fights or desperate moves. Forget all the rubbish you see on TV, there are ways to make your presence felt in a positive way that will aid the marking of territory. Just remember that men are anti-drama and even though we women may enjoy two guys fighting over us, the men are not keen on that sort of scenario. If he has a serious girlfriend, you may wanna back off because this may just be a very humiliating battle that you would most likely lose.

8. Get allies. His friends are your greatest allies because when it gets to the point where he isn’t sure whether to go back to you or not, he is gonna ask them for advice. Mend the fences with them. I know it’s easy to unfriend the friends of an ex and that’s probably what you did after the break up but if you are gonna have a successful second chance, you need them all on your side.

9. Create avenues for you to spend quality time with your ex. If you are still friends, suggest casual fun dates and if that won’t work, join a committee or group he is involved with. If all else fails, show up at his house with his favourite meal and a great movie or video game (not very tactful but it works). If he gives you a straight face, tell him you really need to talk.

10. Get involved in his life. Find out what you have missed since you guys were apart and fill in as many gaps as you can. Show him you care with ‘actions’ since your words may not mean much at this point (depending on the sort of breakup you had). Be his friend and his confidante and soon it would be just like old times. 🙂

Great romantic gestures also work wonders but use sparingly cos they temporarily distract from the underlying issues making you feel like you don’t have much work to do and you may end up with an unexpected disappointment when reality dawns on your ex.
     Getting back with an ex is serious work and taking the easy way out usually means the issues are left unresolved and a future breakup awaits. Sex is a no-no, it’s one of the easy ways out and it may guarantee you a temporary spot on his bed (cc: Okafor’s law) but it will not give you the second chance you crave. Men do not equate sex with love.

So there you have it. Goodluck cos you are gonna need all the luck in the world 😉
p.s: if your ex was abusive or a cheat, getting back with him for whatever reason isn’t the best thing to do. A good man will come around soon…

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,
Please share your thoughts on re-dating an ex!
xxx

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2014 in Relationships

 

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Who Wears The Pants Around Here?

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The battle of the sexes is as old as time itself. Eve reportedly ate the forbidden fruit first which means she was older in wisdom than Adam since her eyes were opened to good and evil before him and that’s probably why God specifically cursed Eve that Adam would rule over her because judging by the new order set in place by the forbidden fruit, Eve should have been ruler. Age doesn’t make you king, wisdom does!

Flip through a lot more pages of the bible and you get to the passage that has become a thorn in the modern woman’s side. “Wives submit to your husbands”. The writer was just repeating what God had said in the beginning but it has become the pillar of all marital guidelines and the stronghold for which the average man bases all wife-related marital discourse.

This same bible tells of many strong women both good and bad who clearly wore the pants although the wearing process was not ceremoniously announced. The thing is men have very fragile egos; they like them stroked and fed fat and in that utopian state will give you anything and everything but the moment they feel threatened, you will face the emotional obstinacy of the XY gene. A guy once admitted that women have 80% of the power in a relationship and that men spend a lot of their days doing stuff they would rather not do just to please the women they love but that the very minute the woman announces that she wears the pants and that her man is under her control, he revolts and she loses everything.

A friend once argued that the smarter of the two people in a relationship should wear the pants; another said the breadwinner male or female ought to wear the pants (She who makes more money wears the crown). A lot of women wish this was their reality but the thing is societal norms dictate that the man is the head of the house. However, what happens behind closed doors is essentially up to the couple! Men don’t care much about the pants, women have been deprived of the pants for so long that many see it as a prize to be had at all costs regardless of the conflict that arises as a result of the tussle (wrong approach).

The truth is men just want respect and respect is something you can give regardless of who is wearing the pants. Mutual respect is necessary for any healthy relationship. The reason why submission is emphasized is that many women find it hard to give a man respect. He doesn’t have to earn it; respect to a man is like love to a woman; A woman wants to be loved when she is good, bad, silly, brave, sick or acts stupid. A man wants to be respected just as many times. Give him respect and he would give you the pants if you wanted them!

Men are like babies and after all the hustle of the outside world they would gladly give you the reigns of the home so that all they worry about is how much they are gonna eat for dinner and what’s showing on TV. Giving you the reigns doesn’t make him less of a provider or a man, only you can cause him to feel this way and if giving you the pants means he will constantly feel like less of a man, he will hold on to it with his very life!!!

Make your man secure, show him you trust and respect him no matter what and he will give you the keys to his kingdom. Ask Sarah, Abigail, Deborah and Jezebel these women both good and bad clearly wore the pants but unlike Vashti who openly opposed her husband the king and was severely punished (to appease his bruised ego), these other women gave their men so much respect that the men never lost face in the world.

CAN YOU PULL THIS OFF?

Hope you had a great weekend chutzpah fam?
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2014 in Manology, Relationships

 

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10 things that scare women away- Guys listen up!

10 things that scare women away- Guys listen up!

Ok so there you are feeling fly, you check the mirror and give your reflection a thumbs up, today is the day you conquer that fine lady you have been stalking for a while. You walk up to her and as soon as the words leave your mouth, she wrinkles her nose, rolls her eyes and walks off. What the hell did you do wrong? Don’t fret, I will tell you at no extra cost. 😉
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Here are 10 things women find unattractive and of course most of you men haven’t figured it out yet:
1. The Stink: It isn’t overrated trust me! Our delicate nostrils cannot stand bad breath, body odor and smelly feet. It isn’t cute or manly and it doesn’t show you are active or work hard (just shows you are in need of a scrub) and don’t ever believe those books that equate such overpowering unpleasantness with sex-inducing pheromones! (ain’t the same thing bro)
2. Overconfidence: Yes there is such a thing as being too confident. We don’t want you acting like every woman is your play thing or ‘NO’ is a foreign word to you. It irks us and will make us say no just so that we can have the satisfaction of seeing your crestfallen face.
3. Sagging: We hate it, we hate it, and we hate it!!! This ain’t the 90s bro, we don’t wanna see your boxers or your butt crack (sic). Buy a belt or two, jeez!
4. Grabbing your package: We know you have a cucumber and nuts and if it’s impressive trust me we have already noticed. Do not grab your package when talking to us. It’s not going to fall out and you have had it all your life so forget it is there and focus on us! It surely is not passing on the message you hoped it would.
5. Being a slob: We hate constantly having to clean up after you. You are not a toddler and we ain’t yo mamas! If you throw something into the trash can and miss, walk over there and pick it up! If you spill water on the table clean it up. There is only so much we can do and making our job more difficult scores you very bad points.
6. The NFA: Any man with NO FUTURE AMBITION is as unattractive as a pot of spoilt beans. We need to know what your plans are and how you plan to achieve them and don’t even think about giving us a cock and bull story, we will find you out!
7. Scratching your balls and butt: What germs are you carrying in there? Don’t you dare do that in public or worse still scratch and then try to caress me afterwards. Simply gross man! (Go see a doctor, you might have candida or lice and shave off your pubes while you are at it)
8. The control freak: Guy I ain’t yo child! Being controlling, domineering or overprotective reeks of poor self-esteem. Don’t bully me, pick on someone your own sex! Jealousy is not cute.
9. The New Age Man: Listen up guys, being a godless, metrosexual with no respect for tradition or chivalry doesn’t score points with us. There’s a reason women like old, romantic movies; they paint stories of men who love, honor and protect their women, men who pay the bills and pray to God; Men who look good without trying and don’t compete with us for mirror time or fashion accessories not all this new age nonsense. (There I said it!)
10. Dishonesty: Contrary to popular belief women can handle the truth. If we couldn’t, we wouldn’t spend ages trying to catch you in the act or find out the truth for ourselves. Don’t lie about your possessions or position. Don’t think running a red light or cheating a customer is going to make you look like a superhero to us. We want an honest man not a snake!

Ladies what other behavior do you think should be added to this list? Men need to know!
Have a great day fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2014 in Relationships

 

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Ten Reasons He won’t marry you part 2.

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It’s a few days to the new year and Lord knows getting a man tops your to do list for 2014. You have done all it takes or at least been sorely tempted to, READ  HERE if you doubt that. But the truth is that just when you think he is gonna be the one, he does something wacko and while you are still wrapping your head around whether he deserves your forgiveness or not you get the memo that he is walking down the aisle with some young woman he just met! Why is it hard to find a good man? Why do the men misbehave so badly and then suddenly hang up their boots and pledge undying love and fidelity to a new woman who hasn’t worked half as hard as you have or put up with half as much sh*t as you have? Why is life totally unfair? Does it even pay to work hard at changing a man when he is gonna just run away and be the better man with some undeserving female? My friend Dee gritted her teeth when she read part 1 of the ten reasons he wouldn’t marry her and she and the other women I spoke to had lots to say.

In their opinion, these are the TEN reasons why men do not give you an engagement ring when they know how much you want and deserve one.

1. He doesn’t think you appreciate the huge favor he is doing by marrying you: A man is expected to hang up his boots, have a monogamous sex life, provide financially for the upkeep of a home and make decisions and to him it’s like the mother of all sacrifices. He forgets the wife has to cook, clean, keep a job, carry a baby and yet still look sexy, raise kids, keep a home, nurture him…heck the list is endless and as far as Dee is concerned a man doesn’t marry you because for some reason you don’t realise what a huge favor he is doing you when he pops the question and he refuses to propose to a girl who doesn’t appreciate that or who isn’t worthy (doesn’t mean he won’t date her though).

2. He wants a younger babe: F believes that the longer you date a man the less likely he is to pop the question. Growing old with him in a relationship is not the same as growing old together in a marriage. In a relationship the babe gets stale after a while and soon the dude thinks it is his right to have a sexy, young woman at his side after all *cough cough he is a young man! Soon he spots a college hottie and you are history!

3. See finish: R is convinced that her man had ‘seen her finish’ which is why he didn’t marry her. See finish means he has seen all there is to see about you. He knows you so well that he can predict your every move and write epistles on your flaws both real and imagined. For a woman, see finish makes you feel comfy like you really are a couple but for a man, it spells only one word ‘BORING’ and soon he is blowing your faults out of proportion and gone in a flash into the arms of the mystery lady he met at the bar!

4. He was just killing time with you: J laments about how her boyfriend of four years had convinced her when they just started dating that the differences in tribe and religion didn’t matter. Now that the relationship has gotten to the marriage stage, he is using those things which supposedly didn’t matter as reasons why they shouldn’t get married. As far as she is concerned, men will say anything to get into your pants and stay there till the next bus arrives!

5. He wants a virgin: Ridiculous as it sounds V couldn’t help cussing out her recent ex who had left her with PID and the trauma of two abortions and gone to marry a good little girl from his home town. His excuse was that he needed a woman who could bear children since he was his mother’s only child and he wasn’t sure that after the abortions (which by the way, she had for him) she would be able to!

6. He wants a trophy wife: Q is a baby mama and a high school drop out and she wouldn’t have felt so bad if all her man did was get her pregnant which of course made her drop out of school but he had the nerve after all she had done for him to marry a girl with a fancy job and many degrees when he was the reason she hadn’t done much with her life. She knew the reason lover boy didn’t put a ring on it was because she didn’t fit into his high profile life.

7. He doesn’t like your appearance: Your slightly overweight bod kept him warm at night and he kept telling peeps how much he loved the meat on you but now that you are talking marriage you are too fat. He feels child birth will worsen it and now he has a long list of things you need to change before marriage which may include liposuction, plastic surgery and skin bleaching!

8. He doesn’t wanna get married period: O cried her eyes out when her perfect boyfriend walked away when she gave him the marriage ultimatum but a year later she met a quiet guy who worked in the building across her office and two years later she was married. Her first child is 13 now and her ex is still single. He has had countless girlfriends but they leave when they realise he ain’t ever gonna go the whole 9 yards.

9. He hasn’t made money yet: S thought her man was ready, he had a good apartment, a well paying job and some money in the bank and it shocked the hell out of her when he told her point blank that till he had his first million in the bank and a house of his own, he couldn’t even consider marriage and if she was gonna face facts, that wouldn’t happen in the next five to ten years. She didn’t wanna be a forty year old girlfriend!

10. He didn’t get a vision from God that you were the one: God to him may be the voice in his head or his mama or pastor’s voice but N thought she would scream her head off when her boyfriend said he prayed about marrying her and didn’t get a conviction. He didn’t need a conviction when he dated her for two years. He didn’t need a conviction when he got her pregnant. She didn’t believe for one minute that God approved of her boyfriend blaming Him for his inability to man up but all that didn’t matter as she kissed the thought of him getting down on one knee goodbye.

So there you have it, ten reasons he won’t marry you- The woman’s version.

God knows the end from the beginning and even when it hurts like hell and you don’t know why it is happening to you, believe that He makes all things beautiful in His time and that He has a beautiful plan for your life. It can only get better…

Compliments of the season chutzpah fam,
♥♥♥

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2013 in Relationships

 

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