RSS

Tag Archives: love

10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me

Time flies…

I’m just gonna start with that.

I have been married for 5 years (officially 5 in 2 months) and I have seen and heard a lot about marriage but nothing beats personal experience and I hope mine are as weird and stimulating as yours!

Here goes…

1. You need to take control of your body.

I put on so much weight in the first few years of marriage because I felt loved, accepted and content plus I had to cook more regularly than I had ever done in my life and my mother in law had emphasized the importance of a shared meal plus I had a man who totally accepted me the way I was and even when he occasionally mentioned my increasing girth I was sure it was from a place of love…

Sound familiar? 

When I decided to take control of my weight which actually came after I had gone 2 dress sizes up, the look of relief on my husband’s face coupled with renewed admiration took me by surprise. Apparently he was being a good husband and ‘loving me through thick and thin’ all along but he definitely preferred thin (pun intended). He wouldn’t have loved me any less if I weighed any more but I realized that if it was within my power and realistic enough (and it was), he deserved the woman of his fantasies…

Getting back in shape made me less paranoid, more confident and generally more content but if the truth be told, the change had to come from me- not his nagging or complaining or comparing…in fact those would  have only made me crave comfort food and also not his seeming indifference…which I erroneously took to mean acceptance and permission to over indulge… 

Even if your husband desires a thick madam, please be a healthy one and not one who becomes a 2 minute woman in the bedroom (yes such things exist! If you can only manage missionary and side-to-side I’m talking to you). Build your stamina and strength even while you rock those fine curves and please dress for your body type! I know women who are size 24, whose beauty, poise, confidence and dress sense would make any size 6 girl very uncomfortable and any man drool. No one says you can’t slay and pepper them (within reason) as a married woman. 

A wise woman once mentioned that if no one is ogling you outside the home, if you don’t get at least one compliment on a regular praising your husband for taking very good care of you (even if it’s all you lol) then you are doing something wrong. You don’t cease to exist because you got married, marriage shouldn’t make you less attractive, only unattainable and inaccessible! So if the average man outside doesn’t think you are attractive then hubby may be secretly struggling. Abraham had to lie that his middle aged/geriatric wife was his sister to prevent getting killed. Sarah was the ultimate slay mama! And it’s not just abinibi, it’s ability too. They say black don’t crack but anything not well taken care of can crack #Enoughsaid

…Five years of marriage taught me to be the best version of myself FOR ME even if le boo seemed content with the current version. Every man loves an upgrade! 

Didn’t plan for this to be so long so I’m just gonna drop this here and post about the second point tomorrow. 
Have a great day chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

Advertisements
 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 13, 2017 in Inspirational

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Smart Dating!


It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.

So cliché…

So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!

1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough. 

2. Three strikes and he is out

A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.

3. No unprotected sex ever

Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!

4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat

If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!

5. Guard your heart

Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.

6. Stick to the plan

A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!

7. Reverse dating

Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead! 

8. Set standards

If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!

9. Be your own hero

Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.

10. Have a solid back up plan

So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100% 

So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;

1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof. 

2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!

3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.

4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!

5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!

Rant over.

Xxx

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2017 in Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Link

I was talking to my friend E who just got out of a relationship that lasted 11 years and amongst her fears was the fact that she was in her early twenties when she left the dating pool and now that she was back again in her thirties, the rules had changed. She now had to compete with younger women for attention while wrapping her head around the fact that Instagram and Snapchat had changed the game not to mention the added disadvantage that her dating skills were now rusty and outdated! 

Her story isn’t unusual. It doesn’t matter how many years you spent in the dating pool before you left or how good or sexy you were before you left. It also doesn’t matter whether you are coming from a broken relationship, marriage or a personal hiatus from dating, all that really matters at this point is that you are wondering if you can ever compete with the teeming number of sexy, 100 yards of wife material floating in the dating pool waiting to be caught by the very few good fishermen left!

Here are 10 ways to ease your passage back to singleville and the world of dating!

1. Forget everything you knew about dating before you got with your ex

Not that you even remember the specifics but trust me the OS you used to captivate your ex is now outdated and like sharks to blood the men in the dating pool in 2017 can smell fresh meat a mile away. 

2. Don’t go in with baggage

My friend P who is a confirmed ‘Igbo demon’ 😁 says that women with baggage are the easiest prey. If you still feel vulnerable then you’d be especially gullible and the next man who seems to care may steal your heart when all he wants is the cookie! Give yourself time to heal first. There’s no hurry.

3. Get your self confidence back 

Leaving a long term relationship comes with its own insecurities amidst the hurt. You may not feel or look your best, don’t patch things up and slap a huge band-aid over your injured self esteem just because you want to get back into the dating pool. Give it time. Once you are able to look at yourself in the mirror again and smile confidently, you are ready to date again. 

4. Don’t date because you are looking for a replacement 

If you are only looking for someone to fill the hole your ex left behind or someone to make your ex feel jealous then you don’t have closure yet. Now may not be the right time to date someone else because you risk hurting that person and yourself since you are obviously not ready.

5. Get on social media

There’s work to be done on social media. First you have to either sanitize your account by deleting all the pics of you and your ex or you get a new account altogether. Social media has become the proverbial bar to pick up guys and it’s supposed to be a reflection of your best self. Take some cute pictures and be social and soon enough some guy would slide into your DM.

6. Get a wingman

This is essential for surviving the dating pool! Get a female friend who is single and who is still actively dating and ride shot gun with her. Let her show you the ropes, the faux-pas, the types of guys to avoid and what to look out for in a man. Learn from her experiences and ask questions. You’d be surprised how rusty you are (don’t forget to take notes 😉).

7. Don’t be too eager

When you finally get a man interested, you may be very tempted to jump from ‘I like you’ to ‘let’s get married’ because you want to skip the unnecessary part and get back to your interrupted happily ever after (same story, different guy). This freaks guys the hell out. They don’t want a girl who is all over them or mothering them or making them husbands after the third date cos they interpret it as desperation and too much too soon makes you end up with yet another guy leaving you in the lurch. Take it slow, do some shakara and don’t act like he is saving you by being with you. 

8. Don’t jump to conclusions 

Don’t be too fast to stereotype your new man and toss him into a box labelled ‘men like your ex’ just because your heart isn’t ready to start trusting again. If you don’t understand his behaviour or motives seek clarification or ask a trusted third party for a second opinion. 

9. Don’t lose your individuality in the quest to reinvent yourself

The women dominating the dating pool mostly belong to a particular stereotype. Thick, Brazilian hair wearing, flawless light skin, make up on fleek and ready to twerk like a pro not to mention scoring major points in the kinky sex department! Truly it’s hard to compete and though you may be tempted to reinvent yourself to at least be able to compete with their perceived perfection, you need to not lose yourself in it because you want the man who eventually falls for you to fall for the real you and not the filters. To thine own self be true.

10. Don’t sit around waiting for your life to pick up

Get a job, start a business, join a gym, start a diet, get a life coach or do some traveling. A woman who is sitting around doing nothing after she leaves a relationship is wallowing in misery and allowing life to pass her by and the men see it as she not having any thing to bring to the table other than her pretty face and body. Men want more than that and nothing is as sexy as a woman who is in control of her life.

If you can’t date the version of you that you see in the mirror, no one else can!

Xoxo

 
4 Comments

Posted by on January 3, 2017 in Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

10 Signs That He Is Not Ready For Marriage!

tumblr_nlq7h6isxg1qj8tl6o5_1280

Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!

1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!

Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!

2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)

If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!

3) He is a flirt

A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.

4) He has no plan for his life

If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.

5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family

The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.

6) He has odd ideals about marriage

Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.

7) All his friends are not married

If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.

8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)

This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.

9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority

Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!

10) He is about to relocate

A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.

Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Manology

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Ideal Friend

You only need one!

A friend that sticketh closer than a brother and a brother is born for adversity but in these cut throat times…

Having a real friend is a rarity many long for but can’t afford, they are too busy chasing dreams to grow potential friendships and instead make do with frenemies- well not the absolute bad kind, just the kind that are happy for you and with you till you start to outshine them.

The truth is the world talks about frenemies like they are the worst but they seem to be just a mirror image of the friends they keep. Jealousy laced with a tinge of envy has become a hustle garland people wear with pride, it dictates their drive for success and their level of satisfaction and contentment in life in comparison with the next dude in their circle of influence. In fact many a frenemy have been the sure push behind a man’s success story (the Lord keep my enemies alive so they can witness my victory syndrome).

It’s all a great arrangement till you actually need a friend- one you can trust with your life, one you can do business with without ever getting screwed, one you can ask to care for your family after you are gone, one you can share your deepest, darkest secrets with, one you’d mutually take a bullet for, one you can laugh with, cry with, be brutally honest with and take real advice from because you know they have your back no matter what! Some people are lucky and their spouse becomes that friend, others are luckier and they are gifted with such friendships (na only Baba God fit give this one oh- because human beings are innately flawed and he knows what flawed souls work best in sync) but how do you get that sort of friend- the BFF who still cracks you up in your 70s and would still fight your battle for you even if it’s with a wobbly cane and hoarse curses?

Here’s how…

1) Be honest about the friendships in your life. 

Draw a list of all your ‘friends’ and then put them in 3 groups; 

the frenemies (they’ve pricked you with pocket knives enough times for you to know they’d stab you with a kitchen knife if they ever got the chance);

then the real friends (usually one or two- they won’t be perfect but you can count the times they’ve taken a bullet for you or gotten you out of hell- it’s not enough for them to sit with you and give great advice cos talk is cheap);

and then the acquaintances (it doesn’t matter how often you guys hang out- they are the ones who the world thinks are your friends cos they are in all your facebook and Instagram pics but you know exactly where you stand with them and don’t even want them knowing your business so there’s always a façade and lots of coverups when they are around). This last group is different from the frenemies because your frenemies have access to your heart and your personal business these people only have access to your good days and great occasions!

Now to the second…

2) Be honest about what you want out of a friendship

Everybody wants different things from a friendship. Most people need the 3 groups of friends to satisfy 3 different longings. The frenemies to push you to be better (some healthy or unhealthy competition), the real friends to share your burdens and the acquaintances to have fun with (because all work and no play…). A friend can function as 2 and 3 or 1 and 3 but 1 and 2 always cancel out each other and if a 2 acts like 1, the 2 becomes a 1!

The real issue begins when you blur these lines or worse put the wrong person in the wrong group. You need to be honest about what you want out of a friendship so that you don’t go telling your deepest woes to an acquaintance (TMI- awkward!) or to a frenemy (ammunition- dangerous!) A person doesn’t get upgraded to 2 because they have been in your life for years (perhaps waiting to strike) or because they held your hand through one crisis (did you get your degree after just one exam?). You need to take time to study their personality, how they feel about you and their concept of loyalty and their spoken and unspoken words not to mention their actions! The next time you want to reach out to a friend, you need to ask yourself what you desire at that moment- some excitement, some competition-driven motivation or a real friend and let it guide your call out.

3) Be honest about where you stand with each person.

Unrequited friendship is just as bad as unrequited love. Does your boo have a boo? If you are her number 3 and she is your number 2 then you are both out of sync and that friendship will not be satisfying. 

Don’t mistake a person who is genuinely nice and honest and helpful to everybody for your own personal person!

That’s why nice people always have tons of friends but they alone know who their friends really are. So if you are always sharing life issues with her and she’s so helpful and such a great listener but you don’t know jack about her or well the stuff about her that really matters, she isn’t your friend. She is your counselor, doctor or life coach at best! 

Not being honest about where you stand with people leads to disappointments and heart break and dramatic feelings of betrayal which you wouldn’t have been feeling if you only opened your eyes. 

4) Be honest about who you are.

Would you be friends with you?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people who are insincere, backstabbers, foul-mouthed, competitive, unfeeling (the bad character list is quite long) are the ones who are the loneliest, who crave more meaningful friendships and who have totally lost hope in the sincerity of a good friendship (“I don’t have friends that are girls, too much drama!” And the guys? “You know guys only want one thing!”)

Some people have developed these traits as a defense mechanism for all the stuff they have seen or gone through (kill or be killed), others are really good people deep down but never let anyone see the good because of all the emotional baggage it’s buried under but you must understand that actions and reactions are equal and opposite! 

Some people also see an overly friendly person as either suspicious (even the bible asks you to suspect a neighbor that loudly greets you early in the morning) or having too many friends so they don’t want to increase your body count. Sanguines tend to have a lot of acquaintances since they are easily the life of the party but very few meaningful friendships and as a result get very lonely!

Also some people are overly jealous and clingy and stifle their friendships but I think this again is mostly a myth. Unless you are a sociopath, a real friend would not consider you jealous or clingy because your friendship would be as much of a priority to them as it is to you however if your friend sees you only as a number 1 or 3,  she could have you committed!

If you are in need of a real friend, check yourself are you friend material? 

5) Be honest about the friendships you have ignored.

Nothing like a post like this to open your eyes and make you realize that you’ve spent too much time watering and nurturing the weeds instead of tending your garden! No friendship even the strongest ones will thrive without love and attention. Look at that list again, if you were unable to put down any name in the real friend group (2) then you need to draw up another list of people who could be potential friends (based on surprising acts of kindness, their total devotion to you even when you don’t give back or some other positive action- forget words) and beside their names write down why exactly you didn’t nurture that friendship. If the reason is a valid one, strike their names off the list (not all that glitters is gold) but if your busy schedule or laziness or your sense of entitlement is the reason why you you haven’t nurtured that friendship then get your garden tools and do some work! If the friendship was made in heaven, it won’t be too late.

Real friends make life so much more beautiful but even pretty gardens have weeds. If your real friend has hurt you and you cannot seem to trust him or her anymore, demote the person to number 1 or 3 and move on. You’ll find it easier to let go of the unforgiveness when you don’t have to pretend that the friendship is something it isn’t. Some friendships last for only a season, others for a life time but I can assure you that when one door closes the good Lord always opens another. 

Have a lovely day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 7, 2016 in Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

tumblr_n7rnoz4AYs1smcbm7o1_500

Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

tumblr_mpd8i027jU1syvgjjo1_500

1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

anigif_enhanced-22099-1453497026-6_preview

2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

tumblr_lmhsmaUszW1qkax06o1_500

3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

200_s

4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

NDU3NmIzNTZmZCMvbVdISS1KdnQwRVJqd0ltZ1ljWmI3cGVMMmlRPS9maXQtaW4vOTAweDkwMC9maWx0ZXJzOm5vX3Vwc2NhbGUoKTpxdWFsaXR5KDgwKS9odHRwOi8vaW1hZ2VzLm1pYy5jb20va2tjdXJjOTV2MGx4Y2w5aGY0bTZjd2xzamt0bH

5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

cheating

6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

tumblr_mligqjCyB31so5xtno1_500

7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

tumblr_mnl0g6Pe0S1sqkoedo1_500

8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

FightForYourMarriage-gif-300x199

9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

tumblr_mwvm7i9UIe1ql3sqmo1_500

10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

gif-2

 
10 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Is your new beau a serial monogamist?

There are obviously three types of guys- Those who don’t cheat, those who cheat and the serial monogamist. The serial monogamist is a guy who is faithful for the shortest possible time that he is in a relationship with you and as soon as he gets bored he finds an excuse to break up and is on to the next relationship in a flash and then the cycle continues.
So how do you spot a serial monogamist?
1) He has more exes than there are episodes on Tinsel!
Every time you step out you meet yet another ex! It’s like he’s been with the whole town.

2) His longest relationship lasted one month.
He was a very great boyfriend for 30 whole days till he wasn’t.
And if for whatever reason his ex wouldn’t give up the cookie before 90 days then his longest relationship lasted 100 days!

3) It’s always his ex’s fault that they broke up.
She was too clingy, too jealous, too crazy, moving too fast, always talking bad about his mother, wanted to get married too soon, didn’t like his friends…the list is endless. He always comes off looking like the victim who just had to run for dear life.

4) He is Mr. Right-now in every sense of the word.
He gets this funny look on his face right before he changes the subject any time you talk about any type of relationship goals. Who’d have thought going on holiday together would be such a big deal?

5) He is paranoid about babies and baby mamas.
He disposes of his condom himself, doesn’t sleep with you till the first time he catches you on your period and then you find a period tracker on his iPad that’s synchronized to your menstrual cycle. He never ever has unprotected sex and if he does, he serves you morning after pills alongside a hot cup of cocoa and doesn’t laugh at the joke you made about having a child together. He never leaves a trail and he makes sure his track record stays squeaky clean.

6) He has a very complicated plan for his future that doesn’t seem to flow with your plans in the least.
His aim is to ensure that you are not traveling the same path!

7) The texts on his phone to various women seem to all be a prelude to something more.
“Hey babe, you were looking so fly today…wish I wasn’t in a relationship…would never ever cheat on bae but who knows dreams do come true…x”

Like wtf???!!!!

8) His family don’t seem particularly interested in knowing your name.
He takes you for family gatherings and you think this shows he is considering a long term relationship with you but his family acts funny. They barely ask your name and act like you are nothing more than his plus one at the dinner party not their future in-law. They know the drill!

9) He is all about the romance.
This guy is a hopeless romantic. Breakfast in bed, flowers, songs dedicated to you on cool FM, cupcakes to your office, surprise gifts and just because I love you gestures but as soon as you both start acting like a normal couple he complains about the flames flickering out and is gone with the wind!

10) He never ever does the breaking up.
Now this sneaky fellow has perfected the art of breaking up with you without actually breaking up with you. When he is done with the relationship, he let’s it fizzle out. Too busy to pick your phone calls or reply your messages. Way to busy to come see you or be in the same room with you for more than 5 seconds. Avoidance is key to his strategy and sooner or later you break up with him out of frustration possibly via text message.

This smooth, suave, heart breaker would never be labeled a cheater, he prides himself in having great relationships which were fun while they lasted, too bad they are gone in 60 seconds! Ladies beware of the serial monogamist! Check out his track record before you say yes!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 25, 2016 in Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,