A powerful but understated emotion.
More than a few women dread that time in a budding relationship with a handsome beau when he or his fellow menfolk ask the overhyped and overplayed question;
“What’s your body count?”
“How many men have you been with?”
Now depending on whether she thinks he is husband material or just another fling, that number may be adjusted to a number between zero and infinity. The truth is often not on the menu.
But are there more important questions than this particular one that makes virgins and hoes sweat alike? A zero may be a deal breaker if he doesn’t share your moral values and any number greater than zero may hit a nail on the relationship coffin if he wants to be your one and only and for the most part, one can’t really tell what answer a guy is looking for when he askes this trick question.
So honestly this post is for the guys!
A body count isn’t as important as you make it sound. A girl can sleep with one man 100 times or 10 men 10 times and it wouldn’t still reveal if she was a hoe, wife material or whatever other label you were hoping to slap on her. The only advantage the former has over the latter is the fact that she’s only carrying spiritual baggage from one guy as opposed to 10 guys.
Yea it’s true that when the bodies fuse together in that mating ritual, spirits and souls unite. If the woman was carrying the spirit of failure she gives it to you and vice versa (nkan be things). Steer clear of STIs- Spiritually Transmitted Infections. That’s how destinies are changed as I have been told.
Anyway it still doesn’t save you if she has had only one because what if that one guy had a babanla bad spirit or gave her HIV, or made her do an abortion which had complications or had a womb-destroying 🐓 and she now walks bow-legged? Just goes to show the answer to that question reveals nothing, lies aside. Besides a changed girl with a past is better than a girl who brings only her zero body count to the table although that in itself is admirable.
So seriously, here are ten questions more important than her body count:
1. Have you done a recent medical test to screen for HIV, Hepatitis and other Stds? (It isn’t more embarrassing than asking for her body count but it’s more practical)
2. Are you over your ex? Are you currently hung over or crushing on someone else? (Her emotional availability is important)
3. Have you met Jesus? (If she has, old things have passed away! Don’t judge unless your past is squeaky clean)
4. Have you had a thing with any of my close family, business associates or friends? (This is often a deal breaker unless you hear it from her first so you might as well ask)
5. What do you want from this relationship? (Fun, Friendship, Finance or a Future? So you both are on the same page from the get go)
6. Have you ever had a medical procedure done? If yes, were there any complications that would directly affect us now or in the future? (You don’t need to know what the procedure was but if there are complications that would affect you directly it’s only fair you know)
7. What are your top three relationship dealbreakers? (You need to know how long the rope is before you get kicked out or stabbed)
8. What do you think I want from you?
9. Is there something about me that you would like to change? (No point dating Batman when all she wants is Superman)
10. Is there anything about your past that may potentially affect this relationship that you’d like to share?
These questions answer the basic questions your even more basic question hoped to unravel so stop asking this patriachal question because no woman ever let a man’s body count change the game so why should you?
Have a great Saturday night chutzpah fam,
I’m just gonna start with that.
I have been married for 5 years (officially 5 in 2 months) and I have seen and heard a lot about marriage but nothing beats personal experience and I hope mine are as weird and stimulating as yours!
1. You need to take control of your body.
I put on so much weight in the first few years of marriage because I felt loved, accepted and content plus I had to cook more regularly than I had ever done in my life and my mother in law had emphasized the importance of a shared meal plus I had a man who totally accepted me the way I was and even when he occasionally mentioned my increasing girth I was sure it was from a place of love…
When I decided to take control of my weight which actually came after I had gone 2 dress sizes up, the look of relief on my husband’s face coupled with renewed admiration took me by surprise. Apparently he was being a good husband and ‘loving me through thick and thin’ all along but he definitely preferred thin (pun intended). He wouldn’t have loved me any less if I weighed any more but I realized that if it was within my power and realistic enough (and it was), he deserved the woman of his fantasies…
Getting back in shape made me less paranoid, more confident and generally more content but if the truth be told, the change had to come from me- not his nagging or complaining or comparing…in fact those would have only made me crave comfort food and also not his seeming indifference…which I erroneously took to mean acceptance and permission to over indulge…
Even if your husband desires a thick madam, please be a healthy one and not one who becomes a 2 minute woman in the bedroom (yes such things exist! If you can only manage missionary and side-to-side I’m talking to you). Build your stamina and strength even while you rock those fine curves and please dress for your body type! I know women who are size 24, whose beauty, poise, confidence and dress sense would make any size 6 girl very uncomfortable and any man drool. No one says you can’t slay and pepper them (within reason) as a married woman.
A wise woman once mentioned that if no one is ogling you outside the home, if you don’t get at least one compliment on a regular praising your husband for taking very good care of you (even if it’s all you lol) then you are doing something wrong. You don’t cease to exist because you got married, marriage shouldn’t make you less attractive, only unattainable and inaccessible! So if the average man outside doesn’t think you are attractive then hubby may be secretly struggling. Abraham had to lie that his middle aged/geriatric wife was his sister to prevent getting killed. Sarah was the ultimate slay mama! And it’s not just abinibi, it’s ability too. They say black don’t crack but anything not well taken care of can crack #Enoughsaid
…Five years of marriage taught me to be the best version of myself FOR ME even if le boo seemed content with the current version. Every man loves an upgrade!
Didn’t plan for this to be so long so I’m just gonna drop this here and post about the second point tomorrow.
Have a great day chutzpah fam,
It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.
So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!
1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough.
2. Three strikes and he is out
A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.
3. No unprotected sex ever
Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!
4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat
If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!
5. Guard your heart
Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.
6. Stick to the plan
A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!
7. Reverse dating
Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead!
8. Set standards
If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!
9. Be your own hero
Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.
10. Have a solid back up plan
So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100%
So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;
1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof.
2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!
3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.
4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!
5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!
Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!
1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!
Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!
2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)
If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!
3) He is a flirt
A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.
4) He has no plan for his life
If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.
5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family
The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.
6) He has odd ideals about marriage
Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.
7) All his friends are not married
If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.
8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)
This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.
9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority
Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!
10) He is about to relocate
A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.
Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.
Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
You only need one!
A friend that sticketh closer than a brother and a brother is born for adversity but in these cut throat times…
Having a real friend is a rarity many long for but can’t afford, they are too busy chasing dreams to grow potential friendships and instead make do with frenemies- well not the absolute bad kind, just the kind that are happy for you and with you till you start to outshine them.
The truth is the world talks about frenemies like they are the worst but they seem to be just a mirror image of the friends they keep. Jealousy laced with a tinge of envy has become a hustle garland people wear with pride, it dictates their drive for success and their level of satisfaction and contentment in life in comparison with the next dude in their circle of influence. In fact many a frenemy have been the sure push behind a man’s success story (the Lord keep my enemies alive so they can witness my victory syndrome).
It’s all a great arrangement till you actually need a friend- one you can trust with your life, one you can do business with without ever getting screwed, one you can ask to care for your family after you are gone, one you can share your deepest, darkest secrets with, one you’d mutually take a bullet for, one you can laugh with, cry with, be brutally honest with and take real advice from because you know they have your back no matter what! Some people are lucky and their spouse becomes that friend, others are luckier and they are gifted with such friendships (na only Baba God fit give this one oh- because human beings are innately flawed and he knows what flawed souls work best in sync) but how do you get that sort of friend- the BFF who still cracks you up in your 70s and would still fight your battle for you even if it’s with a wobbly cane and hoarse curses?
1) Be honest about the friendships in your life.
Draw a list of all your ‘friends’ and then put them in 3 groups;
the frenemies (they’ve pricked you with pocket knives enough times for you to know they’d stab you with a kitchen knife if they ever got the chance);
then the real friends (usually one or two- they won’t be perfect but you can count the times they’ve taken a bullet for you or gotten you out of hell- it’s not enough for them to sit with you and give great advice cos talk is cheap);
and then the acquaintances (it doesn’t matter how often you guys hang out- they are the ones who the world thinks are your friends cos they are in all your facebook and Instagram pics but you know exactly where you stand with them and don’t even want them knowing your business so there’s always a façade and lots of coverups when they are around). This last group is different from the frenemies because your frenemies have access to your heart and your personal business these people only have access to your good days and great occasions!
Now to the second…
2) Be honest about what you want out of a friendship
Everybody wants different things from a friendship. Most people need the 3 groups of friends to satisfy 3 different longings. The frenemies to push you to be better (some healthy or unhealthy competition), the real friends to share your burdens and the acquaintances to have fun with (because all work and no play…). A friend can function as 2 and 3 or 1 and 3 but 1 and 2 always cancel out each other and if a 2 acts like 1, the 2 becomes a 1!
The real issue begins when you blur these lines or worse put the wrong person in the wrong group. You need to be honest about what you want out of a friendship so that you don’t go telling your deepest woes to an acquaintance (TMI- awkward!) or to a frenemy (ammunition- dangerous!) A person doesn’t get upgraded to 2 because they have been in your life for years (perhaps waiting to strike) or because they held your hand through one crisis (did you get your degree after just one exam?). You need to take time to study their personality, how they feel about you and their concept of loyalty and their spoken and unspoken words not to mention their actions! The next time you want to reach out to a friend, you need to ask yourself what you desire at that moment- some excitement, some competition-driven motivation or a real friend and let it guide your call out.
3) Be honest about where you stand with each person.
Unrequited friendship is just as bad as unrequited love. Does your boo have a boo? If you are her number 3 and she is your number 2 then you are both out of sync and that friendship will not be satisfying.
Don’t mistake a person who is genuinely nice and honest and helpful to everybody for your own personal person!
That’s why nice people always have tons of friends but they alone know who their friends really are. So if you are always sharing life issues with her and she’s so helpful and such a great listener but you don’t know jack about her or well the stuff about her that really matters, she isn’t your friend. She is your counselor, doctor or life coach at best!
Not being honest about where you stand with people leads to disappointments and heart break and dramatic feelings of betrayal which you wouldn’t have been feeling if you only opened your eyes.
4) Be honest about who you are.
Would you be friends with you?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people who are insincere, backstabbers, foul-mouthed, competitive, unfeeling (the bad character list is quite long) are the ones who are the loneliest, who crave more meaningful friendships and who have totally lost hope in the sincerity of a good friendship (“I don’t have friends that are girls, too much drama!” And the guys? “You know guys only want one thing!”)
Some people have developed these traits as a defense mechanism for all the stuff they have seen or gone through (kill or be killed), others are really good people deep down but never let anyone see the good because of all the emotional baggage it’s buried under but you must understand that actions and reactions are equal and opposite!
Some people also see an overly friendly person as either suspicious (even the bible asks you to suspect a neighbor that loudly greets you early in the morning) or having too many friends so they don’t want to increase your body count. Sanguines tend to have a lot of acquaintances since they are easily the life of the party but very few meaningful friendships and as a result get very lonely!
Also some people are overly jealous and clingy and stifle their friendships but I think this again is mostly a myth. Unless you are a sociopath, a real friend would not consider you jealous or clingy because your friendship would be as much of a priority to them as it is to you however if your friend sees you only as a number 1 or 3, she could have you committed!
If you are in need of a real friend, check yourself are you friend material?
5) Be honest about the friendships you have ignored.
Nothing like a post like this to open your eyes and make you realize that you’ve spent too much time watering and nurturing the weeds instead of tending your garden! No friendship even the strongest ones will thrive without love and attention. Look at that list again, if you were unable to put down any name in the real friend group (2) then you need to draw up another list of people who could be potential friends (based on surprising acts of kindness, their total devotion to you even when you don’t give back or some other positive action- forget words) and beside their names write down why exactly you didn’t nurture that friendship. If the reason is a valid one, strike their names off the list (not all that glitters is gold) but if your busy schedule or laziness or your sense of entitlement is the reason why you you haven’t nurtured that friendship then get your garden tools and do some work! If the friendship was made in heaven, it won’t be too late.
Real friends make life so much more beautiful but even pretty gardens have weeds. If your real friend has hurt you and you cannot seem to trust him or her anymore, demote the person to number 1 or 3 and move on. You’ll find it easier to let go of the unforgiveness when you don’t have to pretend that the friendship is something it isn’t. Some friendships last for only a season, others for a life time but I can assure you that when one door closes the good Lord always opens another.
Have a lovely day Chutzpah fam,