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Smart Dating!


It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.

So cliché…

So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!

1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough. 

2. Three strikes and he is out

A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.

3. No unprotected sex ever

Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!

4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat

If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!

5. Guard your heart

Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.

6. Stick to the plan

A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!

7. Reverse dating

Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead! 

8. Set standards

If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!

9. Be your own hero

Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.

10. Have a solid back up plan

So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100% 

So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;

1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof. 

2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!

3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.

4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!

5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!

Rant over.

Xxx

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2017 in Relationships

 

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10 lessons from Toke Makinwa’s book ‘On Becoming’

I recently got around to reading Toke’s mini autobiography after all the buzz it created online and for someone who was Toke’s roommate in year 1 (newest hall, unilag), I initially wasn’t keen on reading it because I thought I had Toke all figured out. 
I had been roommates with her when she was living a wanton, majorly carefree life and coming from a sheltered home, Toke was to me the embodiment of the bad UNILAG girls I’d heard so much about. Through the years, that impression was reinforced every time her name came up regardless of whether it was for good or evil.

Little wonder that when the news first broke that she was having marital issues I kept thinking karma, karma, karma! Well if the truth be told, bad is a relative term and after reading her story I had a rethink about the woman I thought I had all figured out. Really until you have walked in a person’s shoes, you cannot ever judge said person regardless of their colorful past. Maybe we give karma too much credit! 

Toke is a strong woman, not because she didn’t make a ton of mistakes and not even because she went through the worst psychological trauma any child can endure but because even when her life was going all shades of wrong, she found strength in God and that strength gave her the will to finally move on, the grace to rise above her past and present and wisdom to spin the biggest sob story ever into a money making investment during a recession! Toke may never make it to my hero hall of fame but I have an unswerving respect for her. Her story could have happened to absolutely anyone regardless of what they did or didn’t do to deserve it. I know so many women who couldn’t rise above a husband who had betrayed them or some other life tragedy. From suicide to revenge, from bitterness to chronic sickness; many of these women could never find the strength to climb out of the murky waters that they had been unceremoniously thrown into. Breaking the silence is always a great place to start…

So without further ado, here are ten things I learned from reading Toke’s book:

  1. No one is really bad, they are just broken and many times the product of their past, don’t be so quick to judge. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone…

  2. Don’t ever manage a boyfriend, a lousy boyfriend makes an even lousier husband, your case won’t be the exception.

  3. If he breaks your heart the second time, don’t look back- just leave for good. The sting of betrayal is far worse than the prick of a heartbreak but the former only becomes apparent after you have vested too much time and emotion into the relationship. Get out while you are still ahead.

  4. You can never run out of ‘second’ chances. Even the bible says a righteous man falls seven times (and how many of us can actually call ourselves righteous) and yet rises up again. No matter how messed up your past is, your future can be unbelievably bright if you let God in.

  5. Get a support system that’s foolproof. You don’t need a million friends or fam. Two or three people that would always have your back no matter what and would always give you the truth instead of telling you what you want to hear, people you can trust with your life, your drama and your kids. Find them and keep them close!

  6. A counsellor should not be a last resort, if the problem is big enough to give you sleepless nights and you love the person enough to wanna stay, seek help. You both may have deep rooted psychological issues that will keep ruining things till you tackle them. Hurting people hurt others and more importantly broken people attract brokenness. Get the root problem fixed.

  7. God is close to the broken hearted and He doesn’t give two hoots about your past or what you did or didn’t do to deserve it. When you have no where else to turn, no place to hide, no one to run to, go to Him. He is always waiting with open arms.

  8. If you ignore the signs you won’t like your final destination. There are always signs. If you keep making excuses for him/her then you already deserve to be treated better. That is a sign! A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. People have clung to the devil they know instead of trusting there was an angel out there that they were yet to meet and the devil dragged them to hell. Take a leap of faith.

  9. Anyone or circumstance that makes you feel less about yourself or eats away at your self confidence is toxic. Love doesn’t live there, the sooner you realize you deserve better the sooner you can start your journey to freedom. It’s difficult but doable. 

  10. A person chooses to cheat. There is no such thing as he/she was pushed or tempted due to the inadequacies of his/her partner. It’s a personal decision. Yes I agree that some factors can make rationalizing the sin of infidelity easier but still it’s your sin. God will not hold you less accountable because you had a bad marriage or relationship. And for the men, if you never discussed the possibility of having a second wife with your partner BEFORE marriage- regardless of perceived tribal or religious norms- then it’s still wrong. Marrying your side chick or concubine doesn’t erase the sin of infidelity! If you are going to alter your partner’s life forever, she deserves a say in it before she commits to you. Speak up!

Toke I hope the release of this book, brings you a new lease on life, a breath of fresh air, closure and more importantly sets you on the path God created for you. You cannot have gone through fire only for you to turn your back on God when things start getting really good, resist compromise! Let this experience be your epiphany, your starting point for a fuller and better life and not just a well thought out business decision. I wish you all the best, and to everyone who thinks she deserved what she got due to karma or her poor choices or because she ignored the signs, take a chill pill, I was team karma too (and was quite vocal about it) but I realized that ‘nobody holy pass’ and we all have someone or something that is our ultimate weakness. It’s by His mercies alone that we are not consumed lest anyone should boast.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2016 in Relationships

 

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10 Signs That He Is Not Ready For Marriage!

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Are you dating or about to date this hunk of a man and you are already choosing asoebi colors and dreaming of your dream wedding with yours truly? Slow your role babe, this seeming 10 yards of husband material may not be ready for marriage at all. It’s akin to making a baby king because he is next in line to the throne. A good man regardless of his background or assets needs to mature to the point where he personally wants to make the commitment to marry. This is regardless of his age or successes and forcing or cajoling him prematurely would only lead to disaster. So here are 10 signs that bobo is not going to be ready to get hitched any time soon and even if he says he is, you’d best be advised to give him small space to grow some!

1) He has just enough money to comfortably take care of one!

Every guy has a dream, a lifestyle he always wanted to live and if he is living the dream don’t immediately assume he is ready to get married. 200k a month is good money for a single guy, average money for a couple and barely enough for a family with kids. It’s all about perception (and number of mouths to feed)!

2) He wants to settle when he is a certain age (which is years away)

If he wants to marry at 35, nothing is going to change that. Not you, his new car, his posh apartment or the money in his bank account. Not even his parents could make him change his mind. Going into a relationship believing you can make him change his life goals is selfish and foolhardy and trust me if he does change his mind, you will get the memo!

3) He is a flirt

A guy who flirts, genuinely enjoys women and is definitely not ready to commit to one. Forcing him to settle down is like taking a kid to a candy store and forcing him to pick only one candy. It takes serious discipline and nine out of ten guys are labelled cheats and Yoruba demons by women who were trying to force monogamy out of a man who was only out to have fun. A man who is ready to settle down will most likely have had his fill and be much calmer.

4) He has no plan for his life

If your guy is barely holding his job together, has no future plans to speak of and is more concerned with clubbing, football, get rich quick schemes and fun in general, don’t fret- just know he isn’t ready. Trying to force him to grow up so you can quickly be his Mrs would most likely backfire. Every one matures at their own pace. He is doing alright by his standards and should be left alone to figure life out at his own pace.

5) He seeks constant validation from friends and family

The opinion of his family and close friends are the only voices in his head and they guide his every move. This dude is not his own man yet, he has absolute faith in the opinions of those nearest and dearest to him to the point that he is oblivious to subtle manipulations and subjects you to the will and whims of others irrespective of what you want.

6) He has odd ideals about marriage

Marriage has no handbook, every couple finds out what works for them and then create their own customised handbook. If he is rigid about his ideals and they are odd to say the least, he probably has a lot to learn about life and marriage and you should most likely sit this one out. So if you are a 21st century woman and he says stuff like a woman must not talk when her man is talking or she has to give the head of the family all her income every month or he never wants a house help and at the same time doesn’t believe men should ever help out around the house (even if the woman has a full time job), don’t succumb to a heated argument because your words won’t sway him instead he’d be judging you and cutting each yard of wife material away from you so just take a chill pill and leave him to figure things out in solitude.

7) All his friends are not married

If none of his friends are married, getting him to be the first to commit may be hard if it isn’t initiated by him. Men usually begin to think of settling down when one of their close friends or close male relatives takes the lead.

8) He still lives with his family (parents, sibling or other relative)

This is not absolute, but most men who are yet to get their first apartment (which is usually christened the bachelor pad and then thoroughly baptised) are far from ready to settle down. Unlike many women who dream that the first house they’d live in after their parent’s would be their matrimonial home, men dream of a seriously pimped out bachelor pad before the more sensible matrimonial home.

9) He is focused on some other non-marriage priority

Men are single-minded unlike women who can multitask so if your man is focused on his career or his job or his business or maybe just making money or some other priority like getting a degree, no matter how you hint, push or cajole he will stay focused and eventually see you as a distraction that he needs to cut loose from. If you can’t wait for him, keep it moving!

10) He is about to relocate

A man who is about to leave the country either for work, school or permanent residence is not going to be looking for anything serious before he leaves. He wouldn’t want anyone tying him down or putting undue pressure on him and would be excited about the possibility of meeting an exotic woman abroad so a man who is about to relocate, no matter how appealing he may be would most likely not be looking to settle down till he has settled in his new abode.

Of course it wouldn’t be real life if there weren’t exceptions to all of these warning signs. Sometimes a guy may just surprise you but babe, better to err on the side of caution so that you don’t get your hopes dashed to pieces by a good man who just wasn’t ready to settle.

Have a great night Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Manology

 

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The Element of Surprise!

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A friend of mine turned 30 a couple of days ago and her husband threw her a nice surprise party. Now this friend of mine is a sharp babe and shed tears when she walked into her surprise gig. They were tears of joy and gratitude yes but also big, fat tears of “can you imagine, I had absolutely no clue!” It got me thinking about all the other surprise parties I’d ever been too, mine inclusive and how the celebrants would snoop and investigate and try to unravel the plans before the big day and then be fully convinced that there were no such plans and resign themselves to a less than extraordinary birthday only to be blown away when everyone shouted SURPRISE! And in my usual way I began to connect the dots only I could see…

Some years before, at another party, there had been a debate on whether snooping around for evidence of infidelity was worth it. There were two very obvious schools of thought. The first school of thought was championed by my friend ‘I’ who announced that her husband’s phone was off limits to her and hers was likewise off limits to him. Then there was my other friend ‘Ç’ who announced that doing that was like burying your head in the sand like an ostrich that before you knew it he would have paid bride price for wife number 2! Then there was my friend ‘F’who vehemently insisted that if you so much as saw her boyfriend in what seemed to be a compromising position even if you had no proof she wanted to know immediately while my friend ‘M’ didn’t want any bearers of bad news coming near her because people were fast to focus on other people’s drama while ignoring theirs. It was a very interesting argument with all parties having very valid points depending on your perspective.

Now how does this tie up with my earlier line of thought? Well just imagine how painstakingly a devoted husband, boyfriend or friend plans your surprise party without you having a clue (of course we know some are terrible at that sort of thing and always get found out whether it’s a party or an affair) and even with your sixth sense, woman’s instincts, snooping, stalking, trailing and numerous set traps you still are utterly surprised on D-day, well same applies to relationships were fidelity is concerned. If he is faithful then you are blessed among women but if he isn’t, regardless of whether he is a first timer, occasional cheat or chronic womaniser, most men would tell you that all that really matters is if he cares about getting caught or if he doesn’t! If he cares about getting caught either because he loves or fears you, he will cover his tracks as stealthily and successfully as he plans your surprise birthday!

I once heard a man confess to having a ‘bae phone’ which was always switched off after work hours and hidden somewhere in his car, his other phone was his official line and wifey who was chairman of the snoop committee prided herself on how squeaky clean his phone was; no inappropriate sms, email or social media messages! If he hadn’t confessed, perhaps it would be at his funeral that his wife would get the surprise of her life (you know how offspring seem to magically appear when it’s time to read the will). Many men would just lock up their phones instead of going through the trouble of having a secret phone, not because they are cheating per se but because like my friend ‘O’ says, the desire to cheat or stay faithful should be within their power without someone misinterpreting every single sms! A friend of mine gave her man tit for tat by locking her phone, the dude almost had a heart-attack (why are guys so deathly afraid of their women cheating? LOL). They eventually called for a truce, no passwords or locks on any devices! Now back to the second thing that really matters, if he doesn’t care about getting caught, you’d most likely catch him without much stress and he’d be way less remorseful than if he was just a terrible cheat who couldn’t plan a surprise to save his life!

Now I understand why some people are so afraid of surprises! It isn’t half-bad though, consider the fact that you are blissfully unaware for as long as it takes for the surprise to unravel and it could take years and who knows, he just might have a change of heart along the line and kiss his bad boy ways good bye and you’d be spared the surprise of your life! (that’s why you should never boast about your marriage or relationship, rejoice and be thankful for the good you enjoy because some times you are unaware of battles fought and won or even lost!) For those who throw one heck of a surprise party, I can only say may your surprises always be good ones! (before you give someone a heart attack).

So would you snoop around your partner’s phone, emails and social media or would you not?
And if your partner was seen in a compromising position would you want to know or not know?

I haven’t picked a side yet and would love to hear from those who have!
Cheerio chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to get married in one year!

This post isn’t for everybody. It’s for the girl whose singular 2016 goal is to get married. She may or may not have a boyfriend but that doesn’t matter. These tips will take you from ‘Hello’ to ‘I do’ in a heart beat!

1) Finding the right man

Every woman has a list of qualities she wants in a man. Many of the things on our list of qualities are shallow, unrealistic or futuristic. Don’t bother about things that may change in a heartbeat! A qualified man is as good a pick as a rich man, a man with great genes may not have grown into his good looks possibly because he needs to gain some weight etc. So narrow down your list to 3 qualities you can absolutely not do without in your man. Here’s an example: 1) God fearing 2) University degree 3) Good man. Good is relative but we all know good when we see it!
Now get busy. You need a game plan for the first quarter of the year. These are the top 5 places to find the right guy:
1) Social media
2) Work space
3) Social circles
4) Church
5) Miscellaneous

  • Clean up your social media, anything that doesn’t say ‘wife material’ should not make it there! Semi- nude photos, turnt up pictures, ratchet pictures, pictures for thirsty dudes and messages or tweets that scream immature, one night stand, runz babe or ho should be deleted immediately!

  • Your work space is not just your office but every other office in your building, on your street and in your environs. Make a friend in every office. Apart from the possible networking opportunities, you get to meet people you’d never have met if you sat at your desk all day. There’s always a couple of minutes to spare. Some offices have lunch time fellowships, you could seize that opportunity to mingle with people from that office.

  • Social circles include all your family friends, all the owambes and weddings you get invited to, basically every opportunity to interact with the public. Look your best, act like a lady and avoid being too obvious or loud. You want to get noticed but not for the wrong reasons. Nude makeup is always the way to go because it appeals to men of different ideals and doctrines. Avoid indecent clothes they scream sexy, take me to bed not sexy for only you, marry me! Drop your phone! No pinging or checking social media at social events. No endless selfies, just plenty eye contact, laughs and a permanent smile on your face! Be approachable! Now is also a good time to accompany your mum, dad or elder siblings to visit their friends, you’d be surprised what gorgeous hunks you have as family friends that your family just forgot to mention!

  • Church is another fantastic place to meet the one but you can’t meet the one by just sitting in a great big auditorium every Sunday. You need to mingle! Join a group, a cell, become an usher or a greeter or join a fellowship for business professionals. Remember that meeting a brother in church doesn’t mean he is a saint!

  • Miscellaneous is every where else! On the street, at the cinema, while running an errand, in the hospital etc. The only place you cannot meet a man is on your bed! If you spend more hours at home being a couch potato than outside socializing, how on earth is a brother supposed to find his wife?

No matter how busy your life gets take two to four hours on one week day and four to six hours once on a weekend, dress up real good and go somewhere by yourself for a cup of tea or a meal. A table for one in a decent place where you are likely to meet someone. It could be for brunch, tea, lunch, dinner, entertainment or maybe even cocktails on a Friday night. Resist the urge to go straight home after work and plan towards that once a week date. Choose a different spot or restaurant every time and look awesome and no matter your first impression of the guy who steps up to you, be nice, cordial and listen to what he has to say. He may not be the one but he may introduce you to the one. He may not be the one but God may have sent him into your life for a great purpose. He may actually be the one but might not be putting his best foot forward! There’s never a good reason to be rude to a stranger!

If all else fails, add some new friends on social media! Go through the friends’ list of all your friends and add any attractive looking guy who isn’t listed as married. Like a couple of his pics and see how it goes! Facebook is great for that sorta stuff!

Eliminating time wasters:

Sometimes a man may look like Mr. Right, sound like Mr. Right but only be Mr. Right Now! So to eliminate time wasters here are 3 simple but direct questions and it’s better to ask them early in the relationship before you catch feelings.
1) What’s your plan for the next year of your life? If he doesn’t add finding a girl and settling down then don’t even bother.
2) Why are you attracted to me?
There has to be an answer in there to make you know he has some kind of non-sexual, possibly long term plans that include you. ‘You fascinate me’, ‘There’s something about you’…probe deeper.
3) Would you still wanna hang with me if I said I wasn’t putting out?
No time to waste, the sooner you know if he is only about the sex, the better!

This isn’t foolproof, some men lie!

And here are some deal breakers for women- if he has these, don’t even bother. Keep looking!
1. He is married or engaged.
2. He is an NFA (No future ambition).
3. He can’t keep a job- hooked on get rich quick schemes.
4. He has been engaged more than once before.
5. He has a history of violence especially towards women.
6. He can only marry a woman from a particular tribe, class, genotype or religion and you don’t fit.
7. He has a reputation as a player, only in it for the sex.
8. He is a ritualist or cultist.
9. He is a gold-digger.
10. He is a serial cheat.
11. He is addicted to drugs or weed or booze or prostitutes!
12. He is a pathological liar.
13. He has anger issues.
14. He is lazy.
15. He is wasteful, never saves for the future.
16. He is selfish.
17. He has an Obsessive Compulsive disorder that would affect you directly.
18. He has no obvious source of his income.
19. He doesn’t believe in God.
20. He is overly controlling.
21. He is an ex-con.
22. He has no qualms taking advantage of his maid, cleaner, the girl selling on the streets or any woman who cannot stand up to him.
23. He is a serial monogamist.
24. He is cruel to people around him.
25. He hates his mother or family without obvious cause.
Most men won’t volunteer this information so you have to dig deep!

2) Dating Mr. Right

OK so now you are in a relationship with a man you believe to be Mr. Right and you really don’t wanna screw it up like all the others.
These are silent deal breakers for men:
1. She lies
2. She is all about the money
3. I caught her flirting
4. She is attention-hungry on social media
5. Her life’s ambition is to get married i.e she has nothing else going for her.
6. She nags.
7. She shouts or snaps at me when she isn’t in the mood.
8. She easily gets moody or depressed.
9. She isn’t conscious about her weight.
10. My mother or family doesn’t like her.
11. She’s too rigid and never wants to compromise.
12. She’s controlling.
13. She is rude to others.
14. She questions my authority alot.
15. Tribe or Religious differences.
16. She can’t or hates to cook.
17. She’s dirty.
18. She has emotional baggage.
19. I don’t like her friends, she may be pretending.
20. She likes partying or clubbing too much.
21. She is stingy or selfish.
22. She is wasteful or greedy.
23. She dresses scandalously.
24. She is lazy.
25. She is too much of a drama queen.
You need to look closely at yourself. If any of these numbers aptly describes you, le boo may only be killing time with you!

3) How to get him to propose

Now this could be the toughest or the easiest part depending on whether you are dating Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right!
There are basically four steps.
1) Ascertain that he is ready mentally, financially and socially! Also be certain that his family has fully accepted you as iyawo-to-be and that he most importantly doesn’t have doubts about you!
2) Get him thinking about marriage!
From watching chick flicks with beautiful happily ever afters to movies where women sacrificed all and showed real virtue in marriage, essentially you want him seeing movies that show the benefit of having a good woman at your side for the long haul. Show him very romantic pre-wedding stories and keep telling him that you have always wanted a small wedding with only close family and friends, that way you sound really sensible and he knows he doesn’t have to break the bank to be with you!
Depending on the sort of relationship you have, you can drop bigger hints but you don’t want him seeing you as desperate. It’s a thin line so tread cautiously.
3) Do not ever give an ultimatum or get caught having a plan B or C!
That not only shows desperation but it shows him that you are only interested in getting married and you don’t care if it’s him or someone else.
4) Get people- close friends or family to put him on the spot every once in a while and act just as embarrassed when it happens!
“Jide when are you and Taiwo getting married? Your marriage will be the owambe of the year”
“Awww you guys will make very cute babies, when are you tying the knot?”
“Taiwo one of my cousin’s was asking about you but I told him Jide was your fiance, he was asking me where your ring was *giggles”
The message still gets passed across and it isn’t from your mouth!

4) Planning a wedding in three months!

The plan was to get married in a year and stage four usually starts in the last quarter of the year so you have to have seen it coming!
1) Get a secret folder with your dream wedding, guest list, play list, possible venues and vendors and colors already listed and with price quotations. This folder had better be passworded and have absolutely no references to your man so it is easily explained in the event of discovery. This makes planning the wedding easy because you are just following a well written script.
2) Save save save! Starting from the beginning of the year, you open an account just for the wedding and put in any spare cash you can so that you have quite the nest egg by the last quarter of the year. This is a sacrifice and putting money away is always a good idea.
3) A small intimate wedding can be a good thing, ask Toke! It’s also really easy to plan on short notice and with minimal stress and financial implications. The honeymoon can be postponed to the next year so that your hubby has time to save up!

And there it is! The city girl’s guide to getting married in one year! Do let me know if it works out for you! Happy New year people and may 2016 be the year of ‘I dos’.

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2015 in Relationships

 

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The 411 on making the best of a bad in-law situation and more!

Hey everyone, so the in-law trilogy has gotten such a buzz, thanks for the input, shared experiences and the support. Today I’d like to draw the curtain on the three-part series and I am making this a double dose. Yours truly will be giving you not only the 411 on making the best out of a bad in-law situation but also, the 10 commandments to being a good great in-law!
So here goes:

10 tips on making the best of a bad in-law situation:

  1. Avoid the situation: When you marry someone, you marry their families as well, especially in Africa so if you know that family is the match to your gun powder then stop eyeing their son and marry a man with a family you can stand like!

  2. Pray: I am not going to mince words here. It isn’t enough to spend days and nights praying about your dream man, devote some time to praying he has a great family that will adore and support you because it takes one bad in-law to ruin a perfect fairytale! And if you are already stuck with them, keep praying about them. Miracles happen when you pray, there is no situation too hard for God to fix!

  3. Don’t smell what you can’t eat: If you know washing your sister in-law’s clothes will be an issue, don’t do it a couple of times in the beginning hoping she will stop asking because when you stop doing it you become the vile wife who was pretending all the while! This is not to say you have to be rigid, compromise some but do not go against your moral principles and sense of justice.

  4. Avoid confrontations: This is one of the times when tackling the problem head on isn’t the best solution. You need tact and wisdom when tackling bad in-laws because every thing you say will be counted as rudeness in an exchange of words. There are many ways to win a battle. A friend of mine says she smiles anytime her in-laws are trying to aggravate her and doesn’t utter a word. Over time they have gotten wary of that smile because it makes them feel powerless and they actually don’t know what she’s thinking plotting or what her next move is going to be. Find what works for you but avoid confrontation because a little shove will be reported as the merciless beating you gave your in-law and you definitely don’t need the ensuing drama.

  5. Be firm: My friend T, who is a pediatrician had issues with her mother-in-law when she came to take care of she and the baby. Every time her mother-in-law tried to give her baby water or a bit of soup saying breast milk wasn’t enough she stood her ground with a firm NO. It caused friction for a while but by her second pregnancy dear mother-in-law had adapted and was even the one advising the other women in the village not to do some of the things she had earlier on tried to do. T said she wasn’t rude or aggressive and never once raised her voice but she stood her ground and despite the complaints her in-law finally did as she asked. She also made sure she treated her very nicely all through her stay so that dear MIL couldn’t stay mad at her.

  6. Familiarity breeds contempt: Be nice, be courteous but do not give room for see-finish if you know that you are already walking on eggshells around your in-laws. Let there be a mutual respect between both of you and that can’t happen if they are already taking you for granted. Don’t be too available or too open. This is a delicate balance because they need to see that you have accepted them as family but at the same time they need to know that they cannot treat you anyhow.

  7. Let your spouse be your shield: If you have bad in-laws then more than ever you need to bond with your spouse to the extent that he is ready to defend you, fight for you and drink panadol for any little headache of yours. They are his family, he is the only one who is going to be able to make them leave you alone, the only person who can actually keep them in check without thinking twice. Agreed that some men like to sit on the fence when it’s their family versus their wife but really you live with him, sleep with him and take care of him, if you can’t sway him over to your side with all the ammunition love you have, then no one else can help you. Be prepared though because when a man makes his woman untouchable, it’s only a matter of time before they label the wife a daughter of the devil who has bewitched their son lol!

  8. Give them love and attention: These two ingredients work wonders on even the hardest hearts. Remember, hurting people hurt others. They may not respond to it at first simply because they doubt your sincerity but if you keep on loving and showing them you care eventually even the iciest of Queens will melt. Besides, what would Jesus do?

  9. First to report, wins the case: If you are having ongoing battles with your in-laws and it ultimately always ends with your husband acting as judge and jury then it would be in your best interest to be on the offensive instead of always defending yourself. So next time there’s a row, don’t wait till hubby starts asking you what you did to his mother/sister to try to convince him that you were the victim because it might already be a tad late since he would have already made up his mind based on the first story he heard, call him up and serve him your pain while it’s piping hot so that the Voltron in him can rise up and defend his universe! 😉

  10. Don’t be petty: It takes two to have an argument. Learn to overlook some things. Being long suffering is a virtue and a mature person doesn’t take offense at every little word or deed. Try to be the bigger person. The monster in-law might just be testing you, don’t fall for her poking. Many in-law battles start from the smallest of inconveniences and words that you could actually have turned a deaf ear to. Pick your battles, remember that not every one in the world is sane or in a good place, don’t let them rob you of your peace.

I am sure there are dozens of other foolproof tips for surviving bad in-laws. I hope these were helpful enough. May the odds always be in your favor!

And to round up I shall go over the 10 commandments of being a great in-law for those who weren’t aware or had forgotten! KJV MCV style 😉

Commandment number one: Thou shalt not meddle!

Commandment number two: Thou shalt treat her like she was thy own flesh and blood.

Commandment number three: Thou shalt not bully thy brother’s wife (or son’s wife).

Commandment number four: Thou shalt not try to emotionally blackmail thy kin against his/her spouse.

Commandment number five: Thou shalt not covet thy brother’s property (or son’s property).

Commandment number six: Thou shalt not compete for the affection of thy brother’s heart with his wife (or son’s heart).

Commandment number seven: Thou shalt know thy place as a guest in thy son’s house (or brother’s house).

Commandment number eight: Thou shalt not bring to tears anyone whose bride price was paid by your kin for whatever reason.

Commandment number nine: Thou shalt not play God in the lives of any person married into your family.

Commandment number ten: Thou shalt treat everyone the exact same way you hope to be treated for whatever thou soweth, thou shalt reap!

Amen and it’s a wrap!
Please read, share, like and comment.
Have a super weekend and may you be blessed with the most fabulous in-laws and may the bad ones have a heart transplant tonight! Shout out to all the great in-laws out there- mine included. The bad ones are just a copy gone wrong (Made in Aba) and we all know if it’s not panadol, it’s not the same thing as panadol!  😉

Xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2015 in Relationships

 

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