I’m so angry I could break something. So effing frustrated I could just yell! Why won’t the pounds roll off, why won’t the weight get wasted? I turn away from the mirror in disgust. Eyes can barely take in the folds and the flab. Why can’t I be skinny like those b*****s on the street? They look at me and they think there’s a girl that loves her food! I shake my head in despair. I have been on an effing diet for 3 weeks now. Eating scraps, hunger torments me as I sit each meal out. Afraid to put even the ‘littlest’ morsel in my mouth. How can I be barely surviving and yet still adding weight? What sort of anomaly has befallen me?
No one understands. They tell me ‘I need to lose weight’. They tell me ‘You should go on a diet’ and team BBW psyche me the most; ‘You look absolutely stunning’, ‘Don’t lose any weight’, ‘Anyone who doesn’t like you like this is blind’. But I’ve lived a life of diets. Made so many sacrifices but all for what? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Or am I destined to go up a dress size every time I visit the mall? Tears of frustration fill my eyes. I remember their response to my last outburst…’All you need is exercise’. Does anyone even understand?
I pause and I ask myself, why is it so difficult to accept that He who made them slim, also made them fat. That the world would be boring if everybody was the perfect size and looked perfect. Then perfection would become common and an oddity would become a rare beauty (Oh I wish…). So back to me. Why do I strive so hard to be slim? Why do I endure this ceaseless comparisons with other women? I know they have their flaws too but I don’t wanna be part of the statistics. I don’t wanna be the fat girl, I don’t wanna be mistaken for an older woman. I don’t want other women to think I’m not a force to be reckoned with. But is it all in my head? Do I continue to strive for perfection or do I accept that this is who I am? A plus sized woman?
I am not who the world thinks or says I am, I am not what I think I am or what I hope to be. I am who God says I am, created in His likeness. He saw me and called me good. I am an epitome of beauty, a masterpiece, specially hand-crafted. A limited edition. I can never be you and you can never be me. Don’t judge me by the rolls of fat because I am much more than carbon, water and hydrogen atoms. Don’t size me up when I walk pass other women cos you don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. You don’t know where I’ve been and best of all you don’t know where God is taking me to!
So I may be plus sized but it’s a plus and not a minus. It means that in addition to being a one of a kind woman, I’m loaded with extra heart, extra humour, extra warmth, extra brains and extra sympathy (I got more pluses than a straight A kid)! Come to me and my large arms and ample bosom will provide solace as I soothe your pain. I know how it feels to be judged, rejected and to fall short of expectations but I’m not gonna stay down and I’m telling you the same. It’s not over till it’s over. Nobody said it’d be easy. We all get to the finish line one day but it’s how you run the race that counts. So don’t give up. No matter what’s getting you down, refuse to be put down. You can shake it off and I promise you that YOU WILL LAUGH AGAIN!
Barka de Sallah peeps,