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Category Archives: Me, Myself and I

14 REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE

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Hey ladies, Valentine’s day fast approaches and for many women the countdown is one of dread. Are you wondering why on earth you are still single? Why you never seem to meet ‘correct bobos’ just losers and baggage carriers? Are you wondering why men keep failing to notice all the fabulousity that you are made of or why after all the oohs and aahs about how wonderful you are, they don’t take a step further to make you theirs?

Here are 14 reasons why you are still single…
1. You are fishing in the wrong waters: There are men everywhere, forget what the National Census says. One of the reasons you are still single could be because of the location of your market. Your selling point could be overshadowed by other shinier competition. Every wise fisherwoman knows you won’t catch anything in the wrong waters. This is akin to being on a man-hunt at a gay bar or a marriage retreat. Location is essential. Every woman has her selling point, that one feature or attribute that draws the men to you. It could be your smile or quick wit or intelligence but most men will not notice intelligence in a room full of long-legged, curvaceous women or a smile at a nightclub. Places with too many women become informal beauty contests with the few available men acting as judges. So carve your niche and own your space! 😉

2. You are trying too hard: Fake personality, fake accent, plastic surgery kinda make-up, fake mannerisms and airs, fake laughter, feigning interest, appearing too eager, the list is endless. There’s nothing wrong with looking good and being pleasant but there’s a thin line that separates a plastic babe from a beautiful woman and men take that line very seriously. Most men fear being deceived by a woman. One of my friends ‘S’ actually admitted that one of the pitfalls of picking up a woman at night was that she always turned out hideous in the morning when the makeup and darkness were gone (when the alcohol had worn off is what he meant 😉 ). Contrary to what women think, the average man knows when you are trying too hard and it spells ‘fake’, ‘poor self-esteem’ and ‘easy lay’. A calm woman is usually the one perceived to be confident and interesting.

3. You are stuck on the obvious: 1) What do you want in a man? Your answer is the same as millions of other girls. 2) What is the first thing you notice about a man? Your answer is the same as every other girl on the street. Your problem begins here. If you are too stuck on the obvious; his looks, his money, his laugh, his dressing, his swag etc., you will miss the man who was having an off day, the not so good looking prince charming, the eccentric billionaire and what have you. Many women argue that there are no good guys but when a good guy comes along they can’t don’t see him if he doesn’t fit their brain’s perception of eligible, hence they fail to recognize his existence. Sometimes your prince charming could be a jewel in the rough, all you need to do is get glasses look a little closer.

4. You are rolling with the wrong crowd: Are your friends all single? Get some married ones. There’s something about hanging out with married women that changes your perspective. So many single women have a whole armory of “I can never date…” or “I can never marry…” or “I can never do…” one thing or the other and their friends share the same views but sometimes rolling with someone different can positively change your mindset. I had a friend who would always say “I can never date a man shorter than me, much less marry him”. She did meet tall guys but they were all jerks (strangely enough) and one day she started hanging out with a girl who was married to a shorter dude and she realised how mundane height was where happiness was concerned. Look at your friends circumspectly, if you all think and reason alike and are all single, you should consider some outside influence.

5. You are a woman’s woman: All your female friend think your fashion sense , style, looks and sex appeal are on point but what do the men think? Try watching manswers on Sony max and you would be amazed how differently men are wired. If you feel you are doing everything right and yet still not bagging a man, try taking man advice from a man. Men have opinions about everything (SURPRISE!), from the way you wear your hair to the way you react to a situation…Men are from mars and women are from Venus, the best way to capture a man is to ask a Martian! 😉

6. You come on too strong: Yeah this is the age of female gender equality, women’s liberation etc but men are still in whatever age they were conceived in, and a woman who comes on too strongly freaks them out. You may think you are being confident, no-nonsense and assertive but all he sees is controlling, crazy and trouble. So take it easy babes, even if you know he likes you but he’s acting irritatingly slow for words calm down and read an encyclopedia while he gets his act together. Sometimes even a little unwanted encouragement can be seen as coming on too strongly.

7. You conclude too quickly: He says he isn’t ready for a relationship so you shut him out completely without a backward glance. Whatever reasons he gives you, as long as he isn’t saying what you want to hear, you shut him out sharply, sometimes without the minimal politeness required from a lady. You just may be shooting yourself in the foot. A lot of men find it hard to makeup their minds right away, other feel the need to ‘test’ you by playing mind games or thrusting you into ridiculous situations and others just need you to give them a reason to stay. If you felt right about him deep down but he is dragging his feet or saying contrary words, don’t slam the door, put him in the friend zone. Yeah that could be the hardest thing you have ever done but being nice and caring towards him even when your heart feels he should be kicked in the butt, could actually be the game changer. Don’t conclude too quickly! (Contraindicated in certain scenarios, use wisdom).

8. You are putting your worst foot forward: “I just show him my worst side immediately so that if he can’t take it, he won’t hang around wasting my time” “I can’t be fronting for any man, what he sees is what he gets, it’s called honesty.” Yes, honesty without tact! Your friends love the good and the bad things about you right? WRONG! Your friends are loyal to you and love you because they got to see and appreciate the good in you before it dawned on them that you weren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect and putting your worst foot forward is like deliberately serving your guests burnt food so that they know you aren’t a perfect cook. The thing is, this isn’t necessary because if the guests hang around long enough they are bound to taste both the good and the bad. Ditch the defense mechanism!

9. You are acting out a script: Who really are you? Some of you have actually forgotten who you are. The real you is buried beneath a pile of peer pressure, societal expectations, disappointments, facades, defense mechanisms, walls and anti-rejection strategies. Your need to fit in and be accepted has turned you into a poor copy of who you really are and when men look at you and your well rehearsed script, they see a lost woman who is hungry for love but cannot love another because she has not learnt to love herself. You are beautiful just the way you are…

10. You are exuding negative energy: Men cringe when surrounded by negativity. Negativity to them is best friends with nagging, yelling, backbiting, aggression and emotional instability. Being pessimistic about the first date won’t get you a second. I heard of a girl who kept telling a guy who was really interested in her that she couldn’t date him because he would end up hurting her. The guy finally got tired of trying to convince her and left her with her demons. Slay the Dragon of negativity in your life. No baby is born a pessimist!

11. You are stuck on your ex: You compare every man to your ex and they fall short. Girl you had better use that brain the Lord gave you to hatch up a plan to get your ex back or better still, move on! It’s no one’s fault you are single, you are the one still in a relationship with your past! Only single girls get hooked…

12. You are stuck on your dream man: Hollywood, Disney, Harlequin romance and Mills and Boons should be blamed for this tragedy. Babe you are not single, you are in a fantasy relationship. “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…I know you the gleam in your eyes is such a familiar gleam…” Wake up girl, life is passing you by. Men are human beings like you and I and being human is a contraindication to perfection, no man will ever fully measure up to your dream man!

13. You are stuck on your father: Little girls and their daddies, what a perfect picture that paints in the mind. Well you are a grown ass woman and unless you plan to have your mum assassinated and then somehow force daddy to marry you, you had better wake up to reality. Men describe women in this group as having daddy issues. Daddy may have loved her too much or maybe not enough and yes most men won’t treat you as good as daddy treats you (neither would you treat them as good as their mums treat them- more often than not!) but that is besides the point. Would you have married daddy back in the days when he was broke and skinny and not the most attractive man on the block? Would you still want daddy if mummy told you about her secret pains, the hidden tears and the hushed arguments? Trust me, daddy would want you to be with a better man than he was and if you don’t take your eyes off daddy, you won’t see all the wonderful men around you.

14. You aren’t trying hard enough: It could be where men are concerned; one bad breakup, one bad date, one bad encounter and now you have put all men in a box and dumped that box in the attic. Or maybe it’s with your appearance; men are visual creatures. Or maybe your character needs a serious overhaul. Whatever it is if you aren’t putting in any effort, don’t blame cupid when you are sitting all by yourself ‘Bridget Jones’s style’ on Valentine’s day!

Sometimes waiting for the right man to come around might be really hard, especially with friends getting married every weekend and family giving you all sorts of pressure but I urge you to spend the waiting time, pursuing your dreams and doing fabulous things with your life. Good things come to those who wait and one day when you least expect it, he will waltz into your life and never leave your side.

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2014 in Manology, Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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Break-up survival kit! #15 facts

Relationships are as unreliable as the human nature and sometimes people decide to go their separate ways. It could be a mutual decision but many times it’s one-sided, leaving the last man standing to pick up the pieces…

Here are 15 things you definitely need to know/do/allow sink-in, to help you survive that break-up and move on with minimal casualties;

1. Break-ups hurt like a car knocked you over. Sometimes you feel so numb like you couldn’t possible be breathing…However you feel, you must realise it is not the end of the world and you are going to get through it.

2. Even with all the ‘maggi’ in the world, you cannot make pepper-soup from chicken shit! Yes you were managing that relationship and tried to overlook your partners faults but if the relationship is history then it’s for a reason. Something better awaits…

3. The guy/chick you loved, took a good look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together and said ‘No thanks, I’ll try my luck elsewhere!’
It’s his/her loss…time will definitely tell…

4. Some people have perfected the act of passive break-ups where they don’t wanna hurt your feelings so they act in a way that would make you break-up with them. It’s under-handed and cowardly, do not beat yourself up for not ‘managing’. Your ex wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

5. Chocolate, ice-cream, comfort eating, excessive sleep, binge drinking and destructive behaviour don’t make you feel better. You’ll only end up more miserable cos your ex is gonna hear about or see how horrible you look and he/she would be feeling all fly and thankful that they didn’t stick around…

6. Calling, texting, pinging or mailing your ex after a break-up doesn’t say you just wanted to see if they were ok cos you are doing great and are a mature adult, it says you are lost without them and still need their approval!

7. Keeping tabs on your ex on facebook, twitter or in real life or drunk-dialling your ex will rob you of your self-respect. Let them wonder what you are up to. It doesn’t make you more mature and tryna see if they’ve moved on could drive you crazy also you’ll start seeing ‘subs’ in everything they write. Your heart is already broken, your ego is bruised, your pride is hurt, your tears are almost on reserve and you won’t see the effect of your stalking on your self-respect till your head clears a little, or you are embarrassed or restrained and you’ll feel so small for stooping so low for someone who wasn’t worth it.

8. Don’t keep talking about your ex. The more you bring up your ex in a conversation, the more you re-live the pain whether it is to bash him/her or reminisce and it doesn’t help you. Your friends and family go through a break-up with you and after a while, they’ll get sick of hearing his/her name or the story of your lost love.

9. Cursing/Revenge: Nigerians especially women, love to ‘swear for’ an ex. From biblical curses, to ‘African magic Yoruba’ curses to ancestral curses. Some even curse with their private parts, others are bizarre enough to do jazz for an ex, while a small number actually set their exes up and are even prepared to commit murder, arson or assault! We all wanna be Miss Karma and truly some exes can be so cruel and don’t deserve any happiness for breaking your heart but imagine if every one we’d ever hurt cursed us or punished us? The world would be full of a bunch of dysfunctional, wretched, unhappy, mad, maimed and unsuccessful people. If you think you have never hurt anyone, remember the ‘toaster’ or girl with a crush on you that you unkindly blew off, now imagine if they cursed you? You needn’t do anything extra, what goes around, comes around, that’s a certainty!

10. Have a support group; A list of people you can call or hangout with instead of your ex. (They shouldn’t be your ex’s friends!) As relationships evolve, lovers unwittingly chase away their friends and exist in their own little world but the good thing about friends is that they’ll forgive you and be there for you when you need them.

11. Don’t be available: Some people see exes as a very sure booty call or ‘maga’. Don’t fall prey! He/she calling you all of a sudden may just mean they need a favour not that they want you back! They may just feel guilty and want some self-validation, let them get it elsewhere. Even if you are bored out of your mind, you are unavailable!

12. Love is like salt in a pot of soup! Without salt the soup is tasteless but you cannot eat salt alone! Sometimes break-ups happen not for a lack of love so it may be hard staying away especially if you know your ex still cares and he/she was forced by circumstances to move on but don’t procrastinate your healing, he/she didn’t stay cos they felt it couldn’t be worked out, making them feel guilty or sending a touching letter/email or your aunty or his/her friends to reason with him/her would not make a difference. It makes you look pathetic and gives your ex an opportunity to reject you further and soon days would become months… Lingering only makes a bad situation worse…don’t prolong your agony!

13. Don’t promise to change who you are just to get your ex back! If you are patient, you’ll find someone who despite your flaws thinks you are to die for and will be ready to stick with you till the end. Be yourself! There are no perfect people…

14. Love is about how well NOT how long! Because you’ve been together for ten years doesn’t mean you are with the best person for you. Are you happy? Do you have inner peace? If you barely tolerate each other, scoff at romance and constantly infect hopefuls with your pessimism then you are not a wise, old couple, you are just a sad, dysfunctional couple too scared to be alone or find real happiness. If you’ve worked at your relationship without success and your partner decides to make a run for it, be thankful he/she saved you a divorce or unhappy marriage in the future!

15. Pseudo-breakups are dress rehearsals for the real one! Don’t break up if you don’t want it to be over. A break up is not a ‘warning’ or ‘shakara’. It is what it is! A couple that uses break-ups as a weapon instead of resolving conflict properly will not last long because one day either or both partners will decide they have had enough and take a bow…

The point is to get through a break-up, not prolong the pain and end up stuck in a rut. It’s an opportunity to do things you always wanted to do but your partner wouldn’t let you do. It’s an opportunity to upgrade. Get rid of anything in your life or personal image you wouldn’t wanna be seen with if you happened to bump into your ex. Focus on self-improvement. Look inwards and see if the problem lies with you. Are you dating the same type of awful people? Step out of the box and don’t rush yourself. Healing takes time. ‘Rebounds’ are like putting makeup on an unconscious patient! No matter how cute he/she is, the emptiness inside doesn’t go away and sometimes you hurt an innocent person by taking love when your heart is closed for repairs and unable to reciprocate. At the end, you become the very person you despise!

Exes don’t announce when they are gonna bump into you and sometimes your replacement may be in tow. Make sure you look gorgeous and well put together everyday and you’ll realize in the long run that you weren’t doing it for them, you were actually doing it for yourself, plus it increases your chances of meeting someone fantastic. Let your exes grudgingly have to admit you seem better off without them.

Remember what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…Dying of a broken heart is a myth!!!
Have a lovely night peeps and happy birthday to the sweetest mum in the whole world, love you loads…xoxoxo 🙂 😉 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 28, 2011 in Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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My fears; Making Fear say YES BOSS!!!

     I had many fears as a child living in the big city. My mom says I was afraid of cars& my father’s volvo was my biggest threat. It had a roar akin to the most ferocious beast and everytime I entered the car, kicking and screaming I might add, once defeated and in the belly of the monster I’d go quiet and very still, my mom said the first time I did that she was happy that she could finally have some peace till she turned around and saw the look of terror on my face. She resorted to singing me lullabies in hushed tones everytime I was in the old, green volvo. later on when I was older and the volvo was long sold, I kept having constant nightmares in which I saw myself in the volvo and we had to drive through a murky river whose waters reached past the windows of the car. I always woke up sweating. My mom says it may not be a nightmare, just the remnants of a bad memory. I was also afraid of elevators regrettably. they were supposed to be one of man’s finest inventions but after being stuck in an elevator for 3hours on a fateful day when my friend Simi and I decided to play hide and seek at her house in 1004 and I had a brainwave to go downstairs and hide in the car but NEPA took light and I ended up almost suffocating at the tender age of ten, I absolutely refused to be in an elevator after the incidence and would only enter if it was absolutely necessary and more importantly I had someone to shamelessly grab unto for dear life with my eyes tightly shut. I had to battle feelings of nausea and claustrophobia was borne out of all the unpleasantness and I could blame this scary new phobia for my adamantly refusing to enter uncle Jide’s ratty old volkswagen beetle when I was in primary five though it could have also been because if I waited a little longer I’d get to enter Mr Sunny’s new honda though I’d be punished for coming late to school but no matter cause I had yoruba first period and Mr Sunny’s new car was very shiny. I heard Mr Sunny’s wife grumble that now her husband would be picking up young young girls and I couldn’t help wondering if she was talking about me. What did she have against ten year olds? Her oldest daughter was eleven and I’d be eleven sooner than she knew. Mean faced woman with her hairy, smelly armpits! I am proud to say that as a grown woman of 26, I have all but conquered my fears and though I still run in the opposite direction when I see rats, cats, dogs and some ferocious looking chickens, I can proudly say I am no more afraid of elevators since any one who’s been to my house knows if you don’t take the elevator then 5 flights of stairs await you! Also not afraid of the bug, cute little car, I want… Thankfully the beetle was scrapped! Ok, I take that back, almost scrapped! No more afraid of fire too though I never experimented with cigarettes cos you have to light ’em first! They should make the non-fire brands! All in all I’ve grown up to be a well- grounded female, abandoning one set of phobias and embracing a new set. Now my phobias are rejection and failure. Phobias are like willy willy and madam koinkoin, the fact that you’ve heard so many awful things about them but haven’t experienced them personally is usually the root cause! Fear of the unknown! Na….I prefer to call it fear of the remotely known! Anyway recently my fear of failure was conquered! You wanna know the secret? Easy pizzy! I failed! Yup, the brainy who’d never failed an exam in her life save for yoruba n by the way, that doesn’t count! I thought I’d die but after crying for hours and indulging in self-pity, I realised my lungs still had air in them! As it dawned on me that God hadn’t heeded my childish pleas to end my life, I had an epiphany! I had lived through the ordeal! Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! I was stronger, my failure still loomed over my head but I was still the boss! I was alive and that meant I could still turn that F into an A even if it meant studying even harder! Mehn when they said doctors never stop reading, na true talk oh! The bible says I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength so be it JAMB, ICAN, ACCA, Primaries or any other exam that has got u staring at an F, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again! But omo mehn, my 50k just waste like that, God dey!!! Xoxo

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2010 in Me, Myself and I, Memoirs

 

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I am not my hair, am I?

      What is it with me and hair? There’s been an ongoing battle with me and my crown from the first moment I realised I had it! The first time my mother attempted making my hair, I promptly deduced that it was no fun at all and screamed and struggled till she devised a way to keep me occupied why I endured the process. My mother was a genius, the mallam and his sweetshop her allies. For every corn row she plaited, I sucked furiously on a sweet. Chocolate’s always been my favorite but soon the balance was upset. My mother grew bolder, making more intricate hairstyles every time she touched my hair basking in the fact that I’d remain docile as long as there was a sweet in my mouth. I grew increasingly impatient as my hair took longer to finish till I discovered a beautiful set of God’s creation- teeth! From then on I became a sweet carnivore. Chewing and chewing away. My mother was baffled, unable to decide if she’d gotten slower at making hair or if the mallam was giving her lesser sweets for her money. Soon she discovered the truth! Her baby had discovered her teeth! Of course a whole lot of things changed after that, my mom stopped chewing groundnut and putting the paste in my mouth and I was allowed to eat chicken. Meat and pomo came years later. As I grew up, I realised that while girls around me were blessed with long nice hair, mine was an afro that frustrated the hairdressers as well as my mother. It broke combs and my mom named it forestry reserve because my grandad was the director of forestry in ibadan back in the days and she swore my hair was an exact replica of the reserve! Had lice in primary school and my mom gave me two options; cut the hair or have my hair doused with kerosene. I chose the latter, my hair was dipped in the highly flammable not to mention smelly stuff and then a hair net was put over it. ‘That’ll teach you not to wear your friend’s hats in sunday school!’ My mum said sternly. After that incidence, I contemplated cutting my hair but my dad would hear none of it. My mum said she’d let me retouch my hair in JSS1 and I eagerly waited. One day I passed by the salon and saw a grown woman crying as they retouched her hair. She wailed and begged to have it removed and the hairdressers kept saying ‘E neva cook!’ I was horrified, almost didn’t go on with it but it was that or keep my natchy hair and that was a no-no. I did some research and learnt venus was the bad guy that hurt like hell. My mama chose dark and lovely though the hairdresser took one look at my hair and said I had to use ‘super’ and I’ve been using super ever since. Sometimes the hairdresser gets it right. Sometimes she doesn’t. I still hate sitting to do my hair because I have a tender bottom and my bum pains me when I’ve been sitting for a long time. Braids have always been a once a year ordeal and I’ve resorted to innovative weave-ons. I never had the liver to be a rihanna, you know just take a bow or shut up and drive with an umbrella. Short hair always freaked me out. What if it didn’t fit me? I’ll never know… Now to the crux of the matter, why don’t weave-ons last on my head? I have a strict one month policy. Laugh at me but doing my hair more often than once a month is torture! I combat the smell with pears baby oil cos obi’m would freak out if the head against his big muscular chest reeks! But my weave-ons just don’t last. Whether it’s darling yaki or supreme or human hair, they expire after a month. My friends use human hair more than once but I can never recycle the stuff. Before you lecture me, I use the right combs, brushes, mousse, oil and hair nets. I think it’s just a genetic blip! I’m really frightened about the prospect of buying brazilian and seeing it expire after a month.

This is the story of a tough, resilient no-nonsense coarse textured african afro that refuses to be subdued by the weave-on that keeps him under and bound but still keeps fighting. How resilient are you?

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2010 in Me, Myself and I, Memoirs

 

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