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Memoirs of a Naija Wedding Planner!

Memoirs of a Naija Wedding Planner!

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Another guest blogger in the house, Uffy’s a rookie at blogging but a don at planning weddings and she is going to be spilling all the secrets and drama that happen behind closed doors prior to the wedding and dishing out advice to soon to be brides! Enjoy… πŸ˜‰


Why wHY WHY do I love weddings so much???

Maybe it’s the fact that we spend so much time planning this one day event and when everyone gets in the day goes oooh so fast (I must have a 3 day wedding) or is it the tantrums the brides throw before the big day that happen to be all new to them after the wedding day? I had a bride who has of course become a lovely friend, call me at 3am on the wedding morning for assurance that she was doing the right thing!!! 3yrs after I’m certain she has no regrets.

Β Then there are the mothers of the bride and groom who constantly use me as their fighting bait with things like “Make sure, MAKE SURE! you don’t feed the groom’s side my small chops” and when the groom’s side complains you hear: “Haba!!! Why didn’t you feed them as I instructed?”.

Β Then there is the father of the bride who maybe upset about all the spending he has just done, is mega keen on making church early and takes it out on the bride and her lovely bridesmaids (I’ll personally term that dadzilla).Β πŸ˜‰

Dealing with the pushy bridesmaids… sigh…I have done weddings where I almost wanted to chop off the bridesmaids’ eyebrows; the bride could be the calmest person on earth but once there’s a bridesmaid who feels she has an opinion about everything, there is WAR!

In the end weddings are a beautiful affair and the marriage an even better union.

I have been a wedding planner for three years and the gist I have would get your knickers up in a bunch but let me save it for next week! πŸ˜‰

*Word for today: Start your wedding planning in good time; gives you time to negotiate and pick out superb vendors…

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2014 in Women

 

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7 reasons men get high the night before their wedding!

I’m sitting at this wedding, looking all fly but really wishing I was someplace else. I’ve kinda gotten tired of the whole saturday wedding ritual. For me, it’s just another wedding though of course for the bride and groom and their families, it is one phenomenal experience unlike any other. One they wanna relive and remember for the rest of their lives or so it seems…

Aha, here comes the groom. The organ music snaps me out of my reverie and I see him dance in, a tad unsteady, I might add. And following closely behind are his Men-in-black, all wearing sunshades in a dark church! I shake my head. Naija men can be razz I tell you. Anyway they all look like a bunch of CIA agents, cute and all like the Tom Cruise or Will Smith type not the Naija-trained touts that seem to be cropping up everywhere killing people for a buck or two. πŸ˜‰
The bride marches in with her pretty train and pretty dress and though I’ve seen ugly brides, she is without doubt beautiful and beaming from ear to ear. She seems to hesitate as she sees the men in front all in dark shades but recovers quickly and continues the dance with her father towards the altar. The service starts…

As the pastor takes the stage, the first thing to pop out of his mouth is a joke aimed at the groom and his men. He tells them the bride will need to look into their eyes as she says ‘I do’ to ensure that she isn’t marrying the wrong guy. They reluctantly remove their designer shades… Wait! Is there an outbreak of apollo? No it is rainy season. So why do all the men look like someone beat ’em black and blue and forced them to act in the hit movie ‘Twilight’? Their blood-shot eyes look bereft of sleep and announce a first-class hangover. No doubt the wedding pics would need some photoshop magic…

My friend is on the train and she pings me…’Wtf, why on earth would they get so high the night before such an important day…?’
As the wedding proceeds, I watch these men intently, pondering over my friend’s question and seeing the men’s reaction to public scrutiny. During the reception, all of them except the groom gobble down a big helping of food and then the drinking continues in full force. The groom who is unable to eat much, keeps drinking… I saw a pic once and the caption read; ‘Avoid Hangovers, Stay Drunk!’ Seriously, maybe that was what he was tryna do. πŸ˜‰ The shades came back on during the reception and I wondered if there’d be any consummation of marriage that night! Imagine the bride in her pricey Victoria secrets lingerie all geared up and the man passing out on the bed before you can say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife!’

It has become almost the status quo for the average guy and his grooms-men to show up high or hungover for the wedding. These men are not alcoholics but see a wedding as an excuse for binge-drinking and this got me thinking…many a groom would not drink half as much at any other owambe, neither would he drink the day before a big event like a job interview or a meeting with the boss so why didn’t it bother them that on the day they signed their lives into another’s hands- publicly, if I might add, they could barely repeat the vows or even walk straight cos their eyes were blurry and the floor was swimming?

Here are 7 rather comical reasons why men get drunk the night before saying ‘I do’

1. It’s traumatic to actually kiss bachelorhood goodbye! Unlike women who can’t wait to leave spinsterhood, many men need to psyche themselves and be very convinced that sleeping with one woman for the rest of their lives is a good idea. I watched the ‘Change up’ recently and was amazed by how much men thought they had to give up; from hanging out with the boys, to getting drunk any time they chose, to chasing and sleeping with any woman they desired, to spending their money on golf clubs, cars and club memberships. They basically had to sacrifice life as they knew it just to make one woman the happiest in the world and sometimes seeing her look so happy and beautiful and dance so happily on the wedding day wasn’t strength enough for the men, thus they sought strength in a bottle! πŸ˜‰

2. Stage fright! The bigger the wedding, the bigger the crowd. And when a man thinks of all the people who are gonna be watching him as he stands in front of ’em saying his vows, from his mum and dad to his inlaws to his bosses, friends and relatives to church members, exes, frenemies and business contacts as well as tons of unblinking strangers, his liver fails him. On a normal day, he gets clammy hands just making that annual report at the office while his bosses watch. He decides he needs some COURAGE fast and the DUTCH have the cure… πŸ˜‰

3. Marrying the wrong woman! She’s not the one he wants but she is carrying his baby. She’s not the one he loves but the chick he loves is with another man. She’s not the one he loves, it’s a dude that sets his heart on fire. πŸ˜‰ No matter the scenario, if he doesn’t love her, he is gonna need some Hennessy to hold his hand as he signs his life away…Nothing like a cold bottle to warm you up when you feel cold towards the bride to be… πŸ˜‰

4. Awoof Booze! He doesn’t have to pay for it. His friends have settled the bill and nodded to the waiter to keep filling his glass and he is the star tonight, why on earth should he say No? He has been drinking for years, he has visine in his hotel room and all the cures for a hangover besides his friends are mourning the loss of one of the wolf pack and it’s rude to let ’em drink alone… πŸ˜‰

5. To calm his nerves. He wants the wedding to be perfect. He is praying his many exes and that girl he deceived all for her hot ass and the other girl he promised marriage don’t show up and cause a scene. He is hoping it doesn’t rain. He is wondering if his father-in-law will give him the cheque he promised. He is wondering how he’ll pay back all the debts the wedding has made him incur since his bank account is red. If you were in his shoes, you’d drink! πŸ˜‰

6. His bachelor’s eve party was fixed for the night before. Friday night is party night and his crazy friends decided the friday before the wedding had to be the night! Beer’s flowing like the Pacific and the girls are so hot he has to nurse his beer before he nurses one of them. πŸ™‚ You see dear bride-to-be, he is drinking because of his respect for you… πŸ˜‰

7. It’s his wedding, Duh! πŸ˜‰ Celebration galore, Owambe special, he is so excited that he is marrying the woman he loves and that all his friends are gonna be there and he even invited all those wowo girls that said no to him when he toasted them. Life is good. He is just starting the party some hours earlier… πŸ˜‰

Women now you know what’s behind those dark glasses on the wedding day. Majority are not a fashion faux-pas. A happy groom is better than a sad one anyday… πŸ˜‰ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰

Guys, a wise man once said the 3 most important days in your life are the day you are born, the day you get married and the day you die. You have no control over the first and the last, only over the second so make it count! Do it right and make it memorable and most of all make it last! It can’t be memorable if you can’t even remember it afterwards because you were so high that day. No wonder most men forget their anniversaries. πŸ˜‰ If you really wanna do it, then make that day as unforgettable as the woman you are marrying…

We shall not delve into the post-bach-eve horror stories mostly centred on a groom waking up the next morning to see some naked hottie in his bed and not being able to remember how she got there… πŸ˜‰ Enough said! Don’t taint your special day with drunken revelry. Moderation is key!

Have a lovely day peeps…xoxoxo πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2011 in Relationships, Women

 

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21 unbelievable things women will do to get married…

Tired of waiting for your dream man? Tired of changing boyfriends like underwear? Tired of begging God to upgrade you? Tired of waiting for your boyfriend to propose? Tired of all the heartbreaks and betrayal? Tired of men chopping you for free? Tire no more…

Statistics show that only 3% of single women of marriageable age in Nigeria are undisturbed by their lack of a spouse! The other 97% would do just about anything to become Mrs somebody. And when I say anything, I mean it…

Here are the 21 rather unorthodox things ‘classy’ Nigerian women have done in their quest to bag a husband! πŸ™‚ Some are bizzare, some are skanky and some are downright sad…but if you’re willing to try anything and getting a husband is the only activity left on your bucket list, you might wanna try a few! (Men beware) πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰
#Not for the fainthearted…

In no particular order:
1. Snatching a friend or relation’s man. All is fair in love and war! Rumour has it that women have resorted to locking their phones, hiding their men and coding their gist from so-called friends cos it’s a jungle out there… πŸ™‚

2. Re-inventing themselves. Pretence is the order of the day. No man wants to tame the shrew or teach the inexperienced or make an honest woman out of a dishonest one so once marriage is desired, women package themselves in pseudo, ready-made, easy-to-use, highly desirable packages. After marriage, what you see is what you get! πŸ™‚ #stepfordwifemode

3. Trapping him with pregnancy. This used to be the old school method of getting a man to propose. From skipping the pill to seducing the man or getting him drunk when she was ovulating, a woman usually knew she had the man where she wanted him once she missed her period even if there was no commitment. πŸ™‚ Now the guys are saying YES to baby mamas and YES to child support. Are the girls deterred? NO! πŸ™‚ The girls have stepped up their game by involving the parents and you know parents don’t like scandals…

4. Praying&Fasting. This would presumably be an honourable means of obtaining a husband but sometimes the prayers are offered up to deities other than God& other times it becomes a song permanently on repeat…

5. Taking his photograph to Cele church for a prophetess to pray over or a powerful Alfa. Heard it works like a charm… πŸ˜‰

6. Taking his sperm, hair or personal effects to Baba. Guys disposing of your condoms yourself is not such a bad idea… πŸ™‚

7. Outright Jazz! My friend S recently gisted me ’bout how a tied up, live pigeon had been discovered in a friend’s sister-in-law’s box. The woman confessed to using jazz and said she hadn’t been sure if the guy would actually propose so she took the necessary precaution…

8. Putting love potion in his food! This is classic and timeless but shouldn’t it be called a ‘compelling’ potion? Because in this case, love na by force! πŸ™‚

9. Saying YES to a man you despise! A woman has two classes of men usually on her case. The ‘correct’ guys and the ‘disgos’. The disgos usually end up as magas or rebounds but many a woman has shocked a despondent toaster with a sudden ‘Yes’ and men have agreed that truly there is nothing God cannot do! πŸ˜‰

10. Proposing to a guy! Yes it does happen… (Who wears the engagement ring?)

11. Toasting a man’s family so they make the decision for him! A friend complained that a girl he detested had over the months gotten close to his family. Lavishing on them, cooking for them and basically being their ‘go-to’ girl and now his mum had put her foot down that he had to break up with his girlfriend and marry little-miss-went-home-to-mama depending on how much power the family wields, their word may be final…

12. Asking daddy to get you a husband! If daddy’s a big shot, arranging a husband for you is usually as easy as pie and some men would sell their souls for a large chunk of daddy’s money so both parties are happy… πŸ™‚

13. Being your man’s maga! Some women believe that when you finally get a man to be interested in you, spoiling him and overlooking his every fault would get you into a white gown faster than an okada chased by LASTMA! Some men don’t mind a woman who houses them, clothes them, feeds them, gives ’em pocket money, never gets upset with them even when they misbehave and cleans up after them with little or no contribution from them… Living the dream???

14. Giving him unlimited freedom as long as he proposes. “Tell me I’m number one baby, tell me I’m the future mother of your kids and not Amina, Bisi or Ngozi!” πŸ™‚ Women used to wanna be the one AND ONLY in their man’s life, now being the number one is good enough… πŸ˜‰

15. Polishing up a low class, barely educated brother in exchange for a ring! The deal is simple, you send your cleaner, gateman or driver to night school, you give him language lessons, you take him to buy some new clothes and deodorant and teach him to call you honey instead of madam and in exchange, he gets to marry you, share an expensive bedroom and never worry about his bills ever again! πŸ™‚

16. Revamping yourself. Change your ward-robe, lose 20kg, buy a truckload of brazilian hair, study the karma-sutra, do a vaginoplasty and change the age on your birth-certificate to read 22. Botox, plastic surgery, a compulsory gym membership and ‘body magic’ also indicated! πŸ™‚

17. Becoming a worker in church! Rumour has it that men go to church to marry, the same rumour also reveals that ‘Greeters’, ‘Ushers’ and ‘Lead Soloists’ have the best exposure…praise the Lord! πŸ˜‰

18. Moving to a new town or part of town so that you are the ‘new girl’. This always peaks the men’s interest and at the same time you get to run away from your past and the ‘old maid’ labels! Combine this with number 16 above and ooh la la! πŸ˜‰

19. Going for ‘deliverance’ from a spirit husband and sowing a big ‘marriage’ seed in church! Giving your possessions to the poor, giving a sacrificial offering or just giving one thing to God that would make you weep…

20. Abandoning your hopes, dreams and ambitions! I’ve heard people say that women looking for a prince charming live unrealistic dreams, virgins are old-school, overly educated women are proud, rich women are not submissive, ambitious women are conceited, women with demanding jobs won’t have time for their families, women who want a faithful man are deluded and women who don’t get pregnant before wedlock have something wrong with their plumbing! So forsake the masters, don’t even dream of a PhD, quit your job, give away all your money and surely a husband will come… πŸ˜‰

And if all else fails…

21. Marry a married man!
He could be your friend’s husband, your sister’s husband, your cousin’s husband, your colleague’s husband, even your mother’s husband if you like! πŸ˜‰

Can you blame these women? The average guy has commitment phobia or is out to play till he is all spent before he settles down or is waiting to make his first ‘5 million’ before saying ‘I do’. Even a man with no future ambition or class, much less finances still knows he could have his pick of the best women out there, once he announces he is looking to settle! The last census showed a female-dominated demographic with more women per eligible bachelor. Family and society constantly put the woman in hot water making her personal successes irrelevant till she bags a man…

I weep for the modern-day woman!

Little wonder, my friend C is anti-marriage! She’s a regular Igbo girl so you can imagine her family’s consternation. Her mother has talked and talked, her relations have tried matchmaking but my friend won’t even give them the time of day. She’s an ambitious woman with her own company and at 26, she couldn’t be bothered. She isn’t heart-broken or a lesbian, she just doesn’t think marriage is something she should worry her head about. She says if she’s destined to be married then some guy would have to work hard at impressing her and till then case-closed!

A successful marriage rests majorly on a woman’s shoulders yet it is taboo for her to ask where the relationship is heading or for her to bring up the marriage issue with her man. She is seen as being forward, desperate, immature or trying to scare the man away by both men and women if she does. A woman’s fertility starts to dwindle in her thirties and some men have dated women for more than a decade only to marry a chick they met two months ago. So why shouldn’t she ask? Who is to blame for this? The women who buy the idea that their life is meaningless without a man or the men whose mantra is ‘They are not ready’ or our parents or society for laying down unreasonable norms and traditions and rigid gender roles?

Pressuring a man into marriage is often a foolhardy venture. A man can say ‘I do’ without giving the necessary commitment needed to make a marriage work and if a man isn’t financially or emotionally ready to marry or isn’t mature enough, forcing him would end in tears. So what is the way forward? Girls are not smiling…

Men please consider the huge pressure the Nigerian woman is under and if you are not anywhere ready to commit, set her free! If you are ‘almost’ ready, carry her along, tell her your plans, give her security and she will nurture your dreams for you as she patiently waits…

5 tips that just might work…

Feel free to pick the above 21 over my humble 5! Those who tried the 21 are already married! πŸ™‚

1. Lay all your cards on the table before you jump into a new relationship. Tell him your plans and make him tell you his. A relationship can only progress if both parties’ personal plans converge at a point that’s comfortable for them.

2. Gravitate towards partners that are on the same wavelength and level of maturity as you.

3. Check the guy out first. What’s his track record? I know a guy who has bought four engagement rings. I know another guy who breaks up with his girlfriends every time they mention marriage. If a man can’t marry a particular tribe or religion for personal reasons, it doesn’t mean he won’t date a girl from that tribe or religion! Don’t be the side-attraction, do your homework!

4. Honesty!!! Deceit in any form usually comes around to bite you in the arse…

5. Know when to cut loose. There’s a thin line between having faith and being foolish!

Ecclesiastes 3:11 ‘He makes all things beautiful in His time…’
Have a lovely day peeps…xoxoxo πŸ˜‰ πŸ™‚

 
28 Comments

Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Relationships, Women

 

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