Bunmi rolled her eyes as Tito cheered loudly. It wasn’t even a goal. She had been rehearsing the speech in her head since he got home from work. She didn’t wanna sound like a jealous, insecure girlfriend. Since she turned 30, she had become acutely aware that everything she did where men were concerned suddenly had new meaning. A 30 and unmarried woman was one of the anomalies of life according to Aunty Shola. She rolled her eyes again. Just when she thought Tito was the one, now this…
“Okay that’s it! I have been waiting for you to say something but since you are going to act as if nothing happened, I am outta here!”
“No, no, no- really, I was just about to tell you everything- GOALLL!-”
“…just after I finish watching the match baby”
Bunmi had had it, this was ridiculous. She snatched the remote and switched off the TV
“This is more important Tito, it affects us directly.”
“Arsenal affects me directly too! Besides why are you making such a fuss? I already told you the lipstick probably belongs to Bisi my cousin’s friend. I gave her a lift yesterday; she was going to her B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D! Ah.”
Bunmi could see Tito was angry, she had clearly crossed the line but so had he when she discovered lipstick in his car!
“How come I have never met this Bisi girl and I read your messages yesterday; why on earth were you asking her if she got home safe? Why is she even on your BBM?”
“Chillout Bunmi, really you are overreacting. This girl is like a little sister to me, I was just being friendly besides she isn’t even half as beautiful as you. Wouldn’t I have ‘passworded’ my phone if I had something to hide? Come here my ololufe, you know you are my one and only…”
Bunmi squealed as Tito grabbed her, his lips claiming hers. She pretended to struggle but soon her straight face was sporting a huge grin and she squealed as Tito tickled her. The boy was cute sha, she definitely could see herself marrying this man. For the sake of her sanity she hoped he was telling the truth.
Five hours later
Bunmi tiptoed into the bedroom. Tito was fast asleep and snoring, she got into bed and turned off the bedside lamp and was just about to snuggle into Tito’s sleeping frame when his phone beeped.
Who on earth would be pinging Tito after midnight? She silently wondered. She stealthily stretched out her hand to pick up Tito’s phone from the bedside table on his side of the bed, making sure she didn’t wake him.
Bisi: Hey hun are you awake?
“What rubbish why is this same Bisi honey-ing my man?” Bunmi covered her mouth when she realized she had spoken out loud and then watched Tito intently to see if he was still asleep. She smiled to herself as a thought crossed her mind. She hastily began to type a message on Tito’s phone, his loud snores gave her courage.
Tito: Yes Bisi, how are you?
Bisi: Why so formal? LOL. I missed you. Baby I forgot my lipstick in your car yesterday.
Bunmi gasped. BABY?!!!
Tito: Yes you did. You almost got me into trouble you know I have a girlfriend.
Bunmi smiled. Gotchaaa!
Bisi: Yes I do but can’t wait for her to be history baby. I hope you will break up with her when you guys travel to Ibadan just as you promised oh. I don’t like sharing my man, I miss you soooo much 😦 😦 😦
Bunmi couldn’t believe her eyes. WTF!!! The son of a ??? Arghhhh! She picked up a pillow intent on strangling Tito in his sleep. Then she paused midway and smiled; there were one thousand ways to die….
Tito: Yes dear, that’s still the plan but there is something serious I need to ask you…
Bisi: Don’t tell me you want to propose over BBM, Tito!!! 🙂 🙂 😉
Bunmi hissed, Ode!!!
Tito: No I prefer the old fashioned way. There’s an issue that has been weighing heavily on my mind, even making me lose weight because I can’t sleep and I can’t eat.
Bisi: Baby, I thought it was all the wahala that your girlfriend was giving you that was making you lose weight. What’s the matter luv?
Tito: Do you love me?
Bisi: With my heart and soul, I would do anything for you.
Tito: I haven’t been feeling well and after I dropped you yesterday I went to seek help.
Bisi: Is it malaria? If you need me to come and take care of you I will come.
Tito: It isn’t malaria, Bisi do you love me?
Bisi: Tito you are acting strange of course I love you. What’s wrong with you?
Tito: I am dying.
Bisi: God forbid. What did the doctor say?
Tito: I didn’t go to the hospital. Bisi I am going to be dead in a week.
Bisi: Jesus! How? Why? What do you have? Cancer? Tito no, don’t tell me this.
Tito: Not cancer, remember how it was after I got that promotion and bought this house and my second car that I met you? Well I joined a secret cult- The Eternal Mystical Order of Glorious Darkness in the Ogboni Fraternity. They are responsible for my wealth and success but I haven’t kept my end of the bargain. They want the blood of the woman I love and the woman must be someone who loves me just as much. I am supposed to make love to her during our meeting after which her hair will be shaved and she will have to drink a full cup of her own blood. Baby I chose you because no one makes me feel the way you do; you can do this for us can’t you? They won’t kill you, it will be just a small cut and it will make us richer. I will marry you baby and you will only have to repeat this every 3 months for the rest of our lives but other than sacrificing our first born we will be free to enjoy our wealth forever…Bisi are you there? I know it’s a small price to pay but…
Bisi: Oloshi! In your life do not ever contact me again. May you burn in hell! My own blood ke? I am deleting you from my BBM and my life, God punish you!
Bunmi stifled a laugh as the chat disappeared, she double checked to make sure Bisi had deleted Tito. She scrolled through Tito’s phone till she found Bisi’s phone number and hastily composed a text.
“Dear Bisi, please do not disclose the details of our conversation to anyone as long as you live or even discuss it ever again with me. It is taboo for those words to be repeated and the penalty is instant, irreversible and total madness. I understand that you do not love me enough to make the sacrifice but keep this secret to your dying day for your own safety.”
Bunmi deleted the message as soon as it was delivered and quietly returned Tito’s phone.
“That will teach you not to mess with my man! Hiss…”
With a big, triumphant smile she fell asleep, with her arm possessively around Tito.
The next morning she woke up to an empty bed and frowned when she remembered last night’s escapade. She walked cautiously into the living room not sure what to expect and there was Tito fiddling with his phone, a gloomy expression on his face.
“Morning darling, why so sad?” Bunmi gave him her very brightest smile.
“Are you sure?”
“It’s nothing really, just that one of my business partners deleted me from BBM last night and won’t pick my calls or return my texts and we had important business to do together. Don’t know what I did to anger the person.”
“Maybe God doesn’t want you to do business with the person, don’t worry dear, the DEVIL IS A LIAR! Are you hungry? I’ll make us some pancakes!”
She pecked him on the cheek and started humming as she walked towards the kitchen, aware of Tito’s eyes following her; she knew the precise look he had on his face. Confusion! Well he would never know… It wasn’t her fault really; this was simply one of the perils of dating after thirty. Any other age and she would have dumped his sorry ass but now his pros definitely outweighed his cons so she would watch him. They were going to Ibadan in a few days, she’d see about his plan to dump her now that there was no Bisi! Hiss…
To be continued…
*For my friend O…xxx