Don’t take the piss out of my vanilla sky!

For a while now I’ve been unable to write. Call it a lack of inspiration or an unwillingness to write anymore bad news. With Boko haram bomb scares, economic recession, shocking deaths and doctors being sacked all over the news, it’s hard to get one’s mind into a place happy enough to write anything less dismal. On the flip side I wasn’t sure my readers would appreciate an ‘Alice in wonderland’ approach and worried that taking on the role of ostrich burying her head in the sand, acting like the world was painted in vivid shades of white and pink would be too darn eccentric! (I prefer optimistic)
But people, sometimes reality sucks! Sometimes we need to get away from it all and find our happy place if not, we risk losing our sanity. I found myself missing the old, funny, witty chutzpah before the state of our nation broke my heart. After a hard day or a bad mood, I knew I could get a good laugh out of writing a post on my blog. Needless to say, though the passion and anger of my recent posts have portrayed the state of our country, I want my happy back. Like my friend R said, peeps need to read something different from all the bad news the papers carry. The world is depressing as it is. So voila! My new resolve was born and people I’m proud to say that no matter how grey the skies look all I see are vanilla skies. (It’s the only way I won’t be needing botox by age 40!)

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not giving up on Nigeria, we cannot give up because the day we give up, we lose everything. Our words and our prayers and every little action geared towards making Nigeria better will all count one day but for now, I’m gonna rise above this and find my happy place and while I’m at it keep praying for my country and if any of you comes up with a way Miz Chutzpah can save Nigeria or even her own corner of Lagos, I’ll offer my services with a heart full of passion for my country and the Nigeria of our dreams! (Avengers assemble!)

Lots of lemonade’s gonna come out of this bunch of lemons. Thanks chutzpah fam for tolerating my long absences without suing my ass (Though I don’t think you could do that legally) Nevertheless, I apologise. #plentyhugsandkisses

I read a tweet recently that I found so utterly ridiculous, I just had to share it and the amazing thoughts that entered my head after reading it.
Disclaimer: ‘I love vanilla, I always have, chocolate is the only flavour that trumps vanilla on my list’. (I’m talking basic flavours oh, not the hundreds of new flavours we have nowadays. Last time I visited an ice cream shop, it was like writing JAMB).
Back to the tweet:

Tweet from @UberFacts
————————
@UberFacts: Vanilla flavoring is sometimes made with the urine of beavers.

Did I hear an ewwwwww? Yep! My first reaction. Did I hear an ‘It’s a lie joor!’ Yep, my second reaction, so I googled it and voila, it was true as my bank statement which I actually do wish wasn’t true! Why would animal urine be used in food and perfumes? Ok perfumes I can understand since regardless of how many thousands of Naira a millilitre of perfume may cost, it still tastes awful! But food? How was it even discovered? And to think that it has to be a mature, male beaver makes my mind wander…

There are so many beautiful things created from things murky, terrible, frightful or just plain ugly. Of course there’s the popular lemons from lemonade but since I’m not so aversed to lemons, I’d prefer beaver’s urine to vanilla cos there’s no way in hell I’d ever consider a beaver’s urine remotely desirable. Urine in general isn’t regarded as waste for no reason, although a minute percentage of the world’s population would disagree. I still remember my cousin sitting on the toilet bowl with a ball of cotton wool in her hand positioned right at an angle to catch just enough drops and she would religiously wipe her face with it day and night. I have as much an idea about this Barbaric practise as you do, she claimed she saw it on TV. All I know is she still has the smoothest skin I’ve ever seen. (If you like, practise it at home! O.Y.O).
Then there were the oddball patients who confessed to drinking their own urine as miraculous cures for varying disease conditions. We could say that these group of people believe in the ‘process’. No matter how unfavourable a circumstance is, as long as they can see the end results, they’ll carry on like they were on a Caribbean cruise ship having the time of their lives.

I for one have never enjoyed the process. If I could skip the pain and get to the gain, I would in an instant, but life isn’t always like that. Sometimes we may wallow in beaver urine till it stinks off our skins all in the hope of getting our own piece of Vanilla sky….
Sometimes doing the wrong thing seems so easy, less painful and way faster than just sitting there like you are in a clinic’s reception waiting for a nurse to tell you it’s your turn to go in; Your turn to finally get that job, your turn to hammer, your turn to find love, your turn to be celebrated. Yes, sometimes waiting for your turn can take forever but don’t be tempted by the treacherous shortcuts, remember that though you may still be in line and the line may look endlessly long, it’s already your time to be happy. With the break of a new day, God gives you all the ingredients you need to make it full of joy and laughter regardless of your circumstances cos as long as there’s life, we still have a chance.

Next time you’re about to delve into your favourite ice cream, think of the beaver’s urine and how it transforms into something so delightful and be thankful about the problems in your life cos the more impossible they are, the more fantastic your life’s gonna turn out. Relax, it’s just the opening act, the show’s just about to start and it’s gonna be fab!

So here I am, determined to be happy no matter what my 5 senses relate to me! Here I am telling the world; “Don’t take the piss out of my vanilla sky”. It’s liberating, you should try it!

Have a great day peeps….xoxoxo

 

Top 10 lies employers tell you!

Most people have worked for someone either in the past or right now. Most people would agree that some bosses are horrible bosses but how about those who smile at you and imagine your IQ to be in the negative range or why else would they feed you bullocks?

Unfortunately the work force is majorly divided into three:

1. The butt-kissers. This is the largest group and some of them would munch any kinda ass, filthy as it may be. The thing is, some of the time butt kissing is the only way one can get ahead but it’s low down and dirty and it doesn’t change the fact that the butt-kisser more often than not detests his boss and would spit in his water if he could!

2. The excuse-factory. These people don’t last long at their jobs unfortunately. They are either preoccupied or just darn lazy and wonder why they get fired so often. What they fail to realise is though their reasons for coming late or failing to carry out a task sound very complicated and authentic to their ears and while they secretly praise themselves for their ingenuity, people can see right through them and barely tolerate their excesses.

3. The eye-service pro. This group is different from the butt-kissers because they don’t really give 2 hoots about their bosses. They know their job description and know how things work. So as long as the boss is in the building, they scurry about pretending to be profoundly busy. The boss is overjoyed that his employees work so very hard. They remind him about meetings and seem very professional but soon as he leaves the building, it’s back to facebook and office gossip!

Very few workers actually work hard at their jobs and majority who do have the sort of boss who’d tell you one of these ten lies.

1. If you work hard, one day you’ll be the one sitting behind this desk. Yeah right, like he’d really leave his company to you. Maybe he was talking about some other smaller desk by faith. Certainly not the CEO’s office.

2. I hate liars! That’s right before he tells you to tell an outright lie to that client. Ah well, he probably hates himself too!

3. I always pay salaries on time. That’s probably what you’d hear during a job interview if it crossed your mind to ask but somehow along the line, payment of your monthly salary becomes an end of month prayer point.

4. The experience gained in this company is invaluable. You sit behind your desk swamped with work you had to figure out how to do on your own cos your lazy superior never took the time to put you through. Yes you do gain experience. Now you can write a whole bedtime story on how necessity is the mother of invention.

5. Don’t disturb me again about your money, I will definitely pay you- …Someday, most likely never, but I’m hoping you’ll be gullible enough to fall for that and get off my back… And they never pay!

6. The company didn’t make any profit, we are really broke. And then he’s off to SA with girlfriend number 4 for two weeks of bliss while you jump buses cos your car’s parked in the garage and your wallet’s running on empty!

7. When I was your age I worked twice as hard and never went on leave! Sounds almost like your parents telling you how they always came first in school till you unearthed their less than stellar school leaving certificate.

8. You are next in line for a promotion. Isn’t that the hundredth time he has said that in the last 2 years? The first 2 times you popped champagne at home. The next 2 times, you took your girl to that fancy restaurant. The 5th time had to be it so you splurged on that new wrist-watch…95 times later and it’s a prayer (and fasting) request.

9. There are too many public holidays. Are you kidding? Not enough at all. I feel like I wake up early every single day of the year. I work on weekends and sometimes on so called public holidays. The number of holidays is grossly inadequate, we should make it a tithe of the number of work days in the year at the very least!

10. I didn’t wear shoes as a kid! We all know where we’ve heard that one before. *rollingeyes. The next day he forgets himself and boasts about how his childhood can’t be compared to yours. “Nigeria used to be so much better then, things were cheaper, I had cleaner air and better food…” Yadayadayada at least I had shoes as a kid, you were walking around BAREFOOTED with a fat pocket and even fatter tummy! #bullocks

I love my boss

This is for my friend S. Don’t worry dear, one day if you are lucky, you’ll get to be a horrible boss too!

Have a great week peeps…..xoxoxo

 

Musings of an angry, Nigerian woman!

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, feel like tugging at my hair so hard my eyes smart with tears as my weave is yanked off my corn-rows. I feel like punching something multiple times, a lifeless bag till it bursts or silently pleads for me to stop. I kick at the air, so angry, so vexed, inconsolable. There are no tears to be shed, who has time for such weak emotions? I am angry, I am mad, I am a prisoner enraged with her captors, aggressive as primal instincts override social graces, let me at them, let me cause havoc, let me shout till I can shout no more, let me kick the sand and rent my clothes till I am heard, till the world pays attention. Don’t try to calm me down, take that diazepam far from me, I am angry, I am furious, I see red, only red, leave me as my nostrils flare and my chest heaves, I don’t care if I burst an artery, I must be heard.

I struggle, trying hard to break my chains…I see the alarm in their eyes and I snarl, you can call me a beast, I don’t care, I spit at them. You crazy lot, God punish you, may your children be murdered as they nurse upon accursed breasts, I scream! A blood-curdling scream, and crumble to the floor. I lie beside my dead children, I see the expanse of blood and mangled bodies, my eyes focus on the lifeless body of Hadiza and then I pass out…struggling even as I feel the cold clutches of the darkness that beckons, I refuse to be comforted….

For how long will they work tirelessly while honest men sleep, planting devices fashioned in Hades, mounting them beside the very places people seek solace? How long will I turn my face as they rob me of my children? What do you want I scream as I see the receding darkness, taunting me, a faceless terror. Tell me, anything to make you stop. I hate this feeling of helplessness, not knowing when or where I shall find the blood of my children scattered abroad like dew atop the soil. Help me anyone, anyone but you father. Your handicap leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth, I cheered you on when you wobbled on crutches to the esteemed stool, I failed to see the fear in your one good eye or the dent in your gut where your liver had been stolen in the dead of night. I thought a one-eyed man could lead the blind, I rejoiced that your kindness would bring a better life for my children. Father I have lost faith. Your promises and tears no better than the gluttony of the men you left to guard your city. Father has turned against us, I see the pain in his tired eyes as he swallows reality with a healthy dose of luxury. His eye has gone blind, blind to my pain, blind to the tears that ceased to fall after months of futility. You can’t give up papa, you can’t grow cold, papa see my children, see the chains, can you do nothing?

I spit again as the bile rises up in my throat, so many dead, I have lost count. How did papa end up with an army of drunkards and rusty ammunition? Why don’t my brothers care? Their children are far away, mine are scattered and disemboweled. I scream again, till the birds rise up in the forest, in search of peace where it may be found. There is non here, not while my children lie dead. Can’t anyone help us? I look to the heavens and whisper “When will the Messiah come?”. The darkness comes around again…this time I give in easily, that’s my only respite…

….Silence….

 

Remove the wool from your eyes!

No one’s gonna do it for you. Most would prefer it stayed there. Unless you come to the realisation that you can’t see past your nose, wool is gonna be the new Armani shades and you’re gonna keep rocking ‘em like a fashion conscious bat!

So you think she’s your friend, you do the calling, the pinging, the watching of her back and worrying about stuff that’s important to her and when you need her, you realize she’s done a rent-a-ghost number on your arse. Optimistic is your middle name, celebrating your friendship with cuddly pics and furry messages, wake up and smell the dog poo, you are as alone as Robinson Crusoe was! Why are you holding on so tight? Yes you were friends as kids, but why have you decided to be the old grandma who refuses to change with the times? Forced loyalty to an old friend who doesn’t have your back while you put the ones who do in second place every time. Think about it, the people who are ready to bail you out when you are in need and cover for you, those who remember to check up on you every once in a while, they are your friends. BFFs are only forever if the friendship is forever, screw the title!

So you and your man have been dating for 8 years ehen? Are you happy? No! Is he gonna put a ring on it anytime this century? You think not. Does he try to make you happy? No! Is he faithful? No! Then why on earth are you still there? Did he tie you to a chair and gag you with a dirty sock? Did he make a pact with your soul for some change he’d use to take another girl out? For crying out loud, life is short. You ain’t even married yet and it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen soon. So why don’t you screw marriage, screw what others think and screw everything else screwable and follow your dreams even if all you have in the dream safe is a longing for solitude and peace of mind. Trust me, you could work your way up from there. A day at a time and you’ll be doing not just you, but the man you claim would be lost without you, a whole lot of good.

So your job sucks? You are under-paid and over-worked. You borrow like an alcoholic and can’t wait for the next pay check. You’ve never even heard of the word ‘savings’ cos you don’t even have enough and to top it all, your boss treats you like s**t. Did you go to school to end up like this? You spend more hours at your job than anywhere else. Is this what you call making a living? This profitless hard work? I know bus drivers who make more money than you. So they don’t wear a suit everyday, big deal! Then one day a new bill is added to your never-ending list of bills and then you can’t take it anymore so you decide to buy some strong rope and kill yourself! WRONG!

You think that’s bad, life throws all sorts of curve balls at us and they hit really hard and many times below the belt but do we give up? Do we suck on the lemons a little at a time hoping we’ll eventually get accustomed to the acrid taste? No! That’s not living, that’s existing. The worst thing you can do is to compare yourself to someone worse than you. That only works when you are on your knees struggling hard to be thankful as you say a prayer to the Almighty. When you get off your knees, if you don’t know the difference between the hope that comes with being thankful that you’re not as bad as somebody else AND the mediocrity that creeps up on you when you are HAPPY you are not as bad as somebody else then you’ll be sooooo screwed!

You’re clearly not succeeding at what you’re doing. Has it occurred to you that you aren’t doing it wrong, you are just in the wrong place? Failure is relative. A lot of great men and women were failures till they shook off the mantle of propriety. Who gives a flying f**k about status quo? Who gives a rat’s arse about what the world thinks? If you do, you are gonna die a slow, very painful death caused by broken dreams and an unfulfilled life. All the people emulated today dared to be different. What’s the best that can happen to you if you do get it right? Just another marriage, just another paid employee, just another part of the national demographic, just another person struggling to survive. What’s the worst that can happen if you don’t get it right? Shame? Rejection? Disgrace? Suicide? Poverty? WRONG! Those entities don’t wait for you to ‘not get it right’ before they pounce on you. “Time and chance happens to them all”.

I’ll tell you something. If you hit rock bottom then presumably there’s no where else to go except up, or under- if you choose to end your life! Maybe your destiny is a whole lot greater than the average Joe’s. Maybe instead of just being a married woman, you are gonna be the woman who helps other married women get out of the mud while earning a lot of money on the side. Why do we love TV so much? Because people seemingly make tons of money from not doing anything extraordinary. So find that ordinary thing you are good at. David was great at throwing stones with a sling and he became King. Somebody was great at updating his facebook status and now he does it for the president. Sometimes when the opportunity arises, we are just too ill-prepared to seize it and some of us don’t get more than one chance. You don’t have to be the best there is, you just have to be different from what there is. Carve your niche and you’ll be surprised what lengths you’d go. And if where you are makes you so mad, if you hate the situation you find yourself in, don’t despair, don’t kiss arse, just flee. You’ll hurt more people if you stay. You can’t give what you don’t have. Having a happy and fulfilled life is the only way you can impact positively those around you!

Have a lovely day peeps. xoxoxo

 

When Daddy says No!

For many of us our fathers are our heroes. They don’t have capes and don’t always get it right but we know they love us fiercely and want only the very best for us or why else would they work from dawn to dusk or be so strict with us every once in a while? Without doubt daddy always knows best…

My friend ‘M’ has had to carefully consider this as mutiny unfolds in her household. She comes from a family with 4 daughters and her father has always been strict where men were concerned. This wasn’t alarming because most men would unsheath their swords at the slightest lingering glance cast upon their female spawn but as she and her sisters approached the giveaway age, their father found a new rule to daily add to his barrage of rules and regulations and like slaves they groaned and tried to adjust while holding on to the tattered remains of a social life till things came to a head when her sister brought her secret boyfriend home. They’d been dating for years and the guy had popped the question. Needless to say, her father was shocked that the man could go behind enemy lines and have the effontery to seek his daughter’s hand but alas he could not find anything wrong with him other than his tribe and capitalized on that, swearing that over his dead body would he ever condone the union.

Anyone who has ever lived in a house full of women knows that one can’t win a war against a bunch of starry-eyed, love-sick women. The conspiracy began and various strategies were employed but two years after, her father still wouldn’t budge. He didn’t mind the tears, was unmoved by the chorused pleas and undeterred by doors banging in feigned rebellion. He knew he had good children and that despite their chagrin they actually did believe that father knew best or so he thought…

The girls had taken it personal, M was dating a man from the same tribe as her elder sister’s fiance so she knew winning the battle for them would end the war. Her elder sister recently did a secret court marriage and according to the Federal Republic of Nigeria she is legally married. She has decided that her final attack will be a missed period followed by an elopement of sorts if her father doesn’t change his mind. Here she is caught in the middle, pitched between the man she always called hero and another man who may never love her even half as much as her father does…Does daddy always know best?

My mother told me the story of her classmate who had to wait years till her father conceded to her marriage. Her father had been an influential man and had high hopes of his daughter marrying ‘well’ and that didn’t include the village-headmaster, poor as a church rat, hungry looking man who obviously adored his daughter. Why wouldn’t he? Poor sap! The young lad probably saw his daughter as his ticket out of poverty and he only accepted him after he was sure no other eligible bachelor was on the horizon.

It’s quite criminal that we are not warned before hand that our fathers are gonna go on a guilt trip once the doctor pronounces our sex, fearing karma for all the misdeeds of their youth and dragging us along in their shadows till they find an ‘unsharp’ man to hand us over to! Little wonder the ‘badder’ a man is as a young man, the more fearsome and formidable he is as a parent especially where his girls are concerned. He looks at them and remembers the kele kele loves, one night stands and countless broken hearts he left in his stride not to mention the abortions. There is no way he is gonna allow miss-know-it-all karma who looks just like the ex who cursed him, get a hold of his darling, precious, innocent daughter.

…And the saga continues. So do we listen to daddy and follow him like a good daughter would, away from our singing hearts and raging hormones or do we do an ‘omo buruku’ number on him and follow the man of our dreams, the rogue who’ll be a potential daddy in a couple of years? Women marry their fathers, so they say& like poles repel (Do the maths); Hence the father/son-in-law tiffs. There’s a little girl whispering into her daddy’s ears somewhere…’Daddy you taught me right from wrong, you showed me how to survive and be sharp in the jungle we live in, now I need you to trust me…’

Sometimes fathers may not get it right but you’ll always be the little girl they held in their arms at the hospital and swore to love and protect. While I may not have the answers my friend M desperately seeks, I do know that our people say that what the elders see sitting down, the children can never see even if they climb on top of a tree…

Have a great day peeps…xoxoxo

 

Is love enough?

A not so recent poll showed that the average person is willing to sacrifice 6 months’ salary to find true love!
To some, this may be regarded as a bad business investment, not with the divorce rate sky rocketing and broken love being as common as a 20 naira note. Nowadays people wonder if this thing called love is worth sticking their necks out for.

What is love anyway? According to my friend D, if it isn’t ‘agape’ love (the kind taught in the bible; meaning you could be Jack in the titanic for that person), then all na wash! Cos according to him, if it ain’t that kinda love, then it’s just prada-coated lust! I was watching Tinsel last night and was so mad at Soji for going to jail for a crime he didn’t commit because of his love for some chick who’d cheated and dumped him times without number. Some weeks back, I had been itching to slap someone as Fred Ade-Williams’ wife allowed her husband’s ex into their home because he had amnesia and his only memories were not of her but of a former love. I didn’t pity her one bit when she found out they had started sleeping together! Obviously, I could never be Jack in the Titanic!

My African sensibilities forbid that I love blindly but is that enough to say all I’ve ever felt has been infatuation and lust? Is that enough to say I am incapable of knowing what true love is? Abeggy joor, course not! I have loved; Deeply, truly and sacrificially, I have had my heart broken and had it mended again. Yes this thing called love is more potent than we can imagine. But is love enough?

After things with boyfriend number two went awry because of religious differences, I learnt an important lesson. Love is like salt in soup. Without salt, the soup is tasteless, boring, almost inedible (almost I said) but yet who can eat salt alone? So again I ask, ‘Is love enough?’
Today all over the world sincere and not so sincere people proclaimed undying love for 24 hours to that special person. But was the love proclaimed enough to keep them together till next year’s valentine’s day or even till the end of the week? For many the answer is No!

If anyone claims to understand this thing called love, then the person claims to be the wisest of all. Love is damn hard to figure. Worse than a jigsaw puzzle because sometimes the pieces just don’t fit right. Love defies logic, it baffles common sense. As if that’s not enough trouble, it springs up in the most unlikely places and loves to evade those who earnestly seek it. Love… The beginning and end of wahala. It’s such a beautiful emotion yet people have acted foolishly and sometimes even committed hurtful, heinous crimes all in the name of love. But powerful as it is, is love enough?

Can love keep a couple together during a storm? Can love replace the emptiness of a bank account? Can love take away the pain of death? Can love mend a heart betrayed by infidelity? Or more cliché, can love put food on the table? Love can do a whole lot of things but there are some things it cannot do… Love cannot take the place of friendship, honesty, maturity, trust and fidelity between two people. Love heals but love destroys.

As we enjoy the spirit of the moment, let’s pause and evaluate this thing called love. It’s worthy of celebration but one must remember that it cannot stand alone. Fortifying it takes more effort than the acceptance of jobless butterflies floating around in your unsuspecting tummy! Like a rose garden love should be tenderly pruned and watered and planted in a soil rich with honesty and fertile with trust for it to blossom. It doesn’t matter if the soil be clay, humus or sandy for we were all made differently and have different priorities. Don’t wait till next year to check on your garden, it needs attention everyday…

“Love is sustained by action, it is a pattern of devotion in things we do for each other everyday…” (Nicholas Sparks)

Happy Valentine’s day Chutzpah fam!
xoxoxo

 

Nigeria Revolts!

Nigerians old and young will always remember January 1st 2012 as the day the sky fell on their heads or how else would one describe the government’s removal of fuel subsidy? The decision shot up the price of petrol from N65 per litre to N141 per litre, a 116.9 percent increase, the highest single jump in the history of fuel price hikes in the country. Government said the decision was taken to free up cash and better our economy, creating more jobs and wealth but Nigerians saw the decision as a cruel and thoughtless gesture which would only worsen the current situation and aggravate the suffering in the land.

It was reported that the United Nations (UN) commended President Jonathan for withdrawing the subsidy on petroleum products, and described the move as “a bold and correct policy”. While this policy might in other circumstances and in a nation other than Nigeria have been a good one geared towards a better future, one must realize that because of the level of corruption in the nation, the freed cash would not alleviate the people’s suffering but would make the rich richer and the poor poorer.

While the cost and standard of living in Nigeria have depreciated over the years and the majority of Nigerians live from hand to mouth, the cost of maintaining those in government has been on the increase, at the expense of national development. In countries like Singapore, leaders have taken serious pay cuts so that more funds can be devoted to developmental issues but in Nigeria, the reverse is the case and the president’s shameful attempt at cutting down on his cabinet’s expenditures when translated to naira barely scratches the surface of their undeserved income.

The billions lavished on the lifestyle of government officials could have been used to get our refineries functioning one hundred percent but heaven forbid this as many of these corrupt officials are rumoured to own refineries outside the country and charge the government to have our crude oil refined and would rather take the last naira from the poor than part with their kitchen allowance! Nigerians were not ready to allow this! Majority of Nigerians were already living on less than one dollar a day. The outcry was nationwide.

A people who had mourned in silence, seemingly powerless when Boko Haram struck, rose up with a vengeance refusing to have the last morsel of their bread taken away from them.
Nigerians had taken a stand and rejected the burden put upon them for it was too heavy to bear. Subsidies had been removed in the past, many Nigerians remembered bitterly how things turned for the worse with the Structural Adjustment Program (SAP) and the International Monetary Funds (IMF) reforms. The government used these in the past as an opportunity to rob its people of subsidised healthcare, education and a life they could afford and yet all they got in exchange was biting poverty and a bunch of empty promises and now history threatened to repeat itself.

The cost of goods and services following the removal of subsidy has increased by more than a hundred percent. How are we to survive when our incomes have not moved an inch and what’s to happen to those who were already on strike because they had been given a pay cut? How will the common man survive it when in 2011 he could hardly feed his family? The only people not affected were those who don’t know what it is like to work hard for a living and yet be unable to pay bills. These people were mostly in the upper class and were those supposedly entrusted with governance of the country. How does the security guard at my office who earns thirty thousand naira monthly and has two children in school pay his bills when he now spends about ten thousand naira a month on transportation alone to and from his office? How do Nigerians survive with the eighteen thousand naira minimum wage? A removal of subsidy from government’s expenditure on its cabinet would generate the funds needed and not that of the masses.

After failed dialogue with the Federal Government the Labour and civil society groups called a strike which commenced today and Nigerians were encouraged to come out on the streets and protest. The turnout was impressive all over Nigeria. The protests in Abuja were led by the workers Union President Abduwaheed Omar and in Lagos, his deputy Joe Ajaero led the protesters who took off from the Labour union secretariat at Yaba at 8.00am.

Nationwide citizens had staged “Occupy Nigeria” mass demonstrations since the removal of the subsidy, with police responding forcefully in some cases and three confirmed dead and many injured. Only in Nigeria do policemen hold guns and tear gas to fight off peaceful protesters rather than shields and batons with orders from the government. A government whose constitution allows freedom of speech and expression and who swore to protect and serve. After what happened at Tahrir square in Egypt, Nigerians are confident that the power is with the people and the nation can be brought to a halt. The government has remained passive about the goings on in the nation and have decided the siddon look approach is best till Nigerians come to terms with the change but they underestimate the people who voted them into power and the strength of a united nation. Even the Muslims and Christians in the North were admirably prepared to lay aside their differences for a common cause.

Many voted Jonathan into power hoping he would be a breath of fresh air but for some reason his every move has let them down and left us in the arms of despair. When I look at him, I do not see a wicked man, I see a weak man whose lack of character has prevented him from doing the good which he knows he is to do. Maybe the lure of a good life allows him the luxury of casting a blind eye to the sufferings of his people after all as far as he is concerned, he had no shoes as a kid and levels don change now. Maybe he has a grand master plan that will in years from now give the handful of survivors left in Nigeria a chance at a better life but would he kill millions now so that one day the remnants can praise him? Or could it be that his good intentions are thwarted each time by the political godfathers he answers to?

Nigerians do not need a figure head president. We do not need a president who will run off to his little corner of heaven while his people face hell. He has incited his people and he will be made to answer for his negligence and insensitivity. Nigerians will not stop till they have a chance at a life not worse than yesterday’s. May God help our president because it is better to fall into the hand of God than the hands of men for God is merciful. If he knew anything about history and repercussions he would have damned his advisers and done that which is in his heart for I truly believe that deep down he feels for his people but his hands have been tied and allowed to waste away by the powers that be. There are other ways to better the economic situation of Nigeria and 1600 buses is laughable. The ceremony for the buses probably cost more than the buses. Will more buses bring down the cost of food or other living expenses? Nigerians say No!!!

The strike continues…

Nigerians please let it remain a peaceful protest. Please occupy with one voice and without violence so that the government’s folly can be apparent to all.

May the souls of Mustafa Muyideen and Ademola Aderinto rest in perfect peace and may their killers know no peace.

#OccupyNigeria

 

Out with the old, in with the new…2012…Happy New Year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! It’s a new day, a new month, a new dawn, new opportunities to seize, a chance to make amends, a time to move forward, a time to go back to the drawing board and make a fool-proof plan, a time to be thankful but not a time for new year resolutions! Common it’s 2012, the most anticipated year in the Hollywood box office! The most prophesied about year, heck there may not even be a 2013! You don’t need a bunch of cliché resolutions that give you a pseudo sense of purpose only for the period it takes for your brain to find a box in its attic to throw them into till the next year! I say out with the old, in with the new. We don’t need resolutions, enough resolving already. Only a mad man does the same thing every time and expects a different result. My dear friends what we need is a REVOLUTION!

Wikipedia says the word revolution is from the Latin revolutio which means “a turn around” and is defined as a fundamental change in power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time.
Aristotle described two types of political revolution:
1. Complete change from one constitution to another
2. Modification of an existing constitution.
Revolutions have occurred through human history and vary widely in terms of methods, duration, and motivating ideology. Their results include major changes in culture, economy, and socio-political institutions.

Charity begins at home so let’s start with a personal revolution.
Does your constitution need an overhaul? Do you need it modified or you need a total makeover? Maybe it’s high time you traded in your beetle for a bentley and you know I ain’t talking about cars. Here are some purposeful steps to a REVOLUTION in 2012!

Step 1 would be a full self- appraisal. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you need to drop a few pounds? Do you need to change that one-nation hairstyle? Do you need to start using deodorant? Do you need to throw out your old clothes? Do you need to seek medical help for that ailment you’ve been trying hard to wish away? Do you need to take a long hard look at yourself and say ‘Hey this is me! I can’t change my big nose or buck teeth but as long as my chest rises and falls in respiration, I can be great and I won’t stop trying till I get what I want…’ Yeah, you get my drift but that’s not all…

For step 2 you’ll need to step away from the mirror and get a pen and paper and draw 2 columns and label them strengths and weaknesses. If you are narcissistic by nature you may need to get a friend with clear eyes to help you. Think of all the things your haters spat at you and the stuff your friends and family complain about. We all know our strengths cos we are proud of them but it takes a certain wisdom to admit to a weakness. Remember that though the bad stuff people say about you is not necessarily true, often times there is an atom of truth in it. You can spot a lie against you, so sift through the dirt and find what exactly hurt the most, most times it’s the truth!

For step 3, paper still in hand, describe the greatest man or woman you could ever dream of being. You could choose to be President of Nigeria, it’s your dream and it ain’t nobody’s business. In fact the more they laugh at you, the more they ginger the powers that be to force you towards greatness. Dream very very big! If your dream looks unattainable because of finances or a lack of the required academic qualifications, write down all the steps you’ll need to get there. For example, getting a masters or saving some cash and so on.

Step 4: Go back to your weaknesses and then write each one under the space where you described the influential person you want to be some day. Now imagine if your weaknesses were procrastination, excess alcohol and a temper and you hoped to be president one day. You may end up as a cross between Baba Sege and GEJ and worse cos you’d also have a drinking problem. You’d put off tackling Boko Haram till a ‘later’ day and you’d get angry if anyone opposed you and then go home to a case of champagne. Same you that spends a good part of every day bashing presidents. You can wake up now…

Basically weaknesses are not such a big deal till you extrapolate them and include greatness in the algorithm. Some weaknesses are anti-greatness and if a fellow is smart he gets rid of them like a plague but for most of us, our weaknesses can be excused as they seem not that bad and not so worrisome in the scheme of their lives and we feel pious on the first of every year making long lists of things to change without even convincing ourselves why a change is necessary and how feasible it is. Revolutions are not born out of haste, resolutions are. This year I refused to call any of my plans resolutions lest I jinx ‘em.

This 2012, love like you have never loved before.
Here are 12 ways to love your neighbours, fellow Nigerians and friends, even your enemies and they are excerpts from the first book of Corinthians, kinda makes you consider this thing called love!

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. Fancy words huh? Let me make it plain. If you like, write poetry or the longest blackberry messages ever, or give a speech so long your throat gets dry and you can even give the speech in flawless French but if the people you are talking to do not feel the sincerity of your words or the love emanating from them then you might as well be making a bunch of noise or exhibiting ‘free madness’. (Government officials take note!). So this year, remember that talk is cheap and before you give us 21 reasons why we shouldn’t have a fuel subsidy anymore, remember the thousands who are gonna bite the dust of poverty a lot harder after you impose your will!
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing. Holier than thou sisters and brothers who use religion as an excuse to be mean and discriminatory take note! And yes I am referring to Christians, Muslims and all in between!
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I GIVE MY BODY TO BE BURNED, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing. Ermmm Boko Haram take note!

…And this is what love should be…
4 Love endures
5 Love is kind
6 Love doesn’t envy
7 Love is not boastful or puffed up.
8 Love does not behave itself unseemly and doesn’t seek to have its own way.
9 Love is not easily provoked
10 Love thinks no evil and doesn’t rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth;
11 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
12 Love never fails.

This year let’s choose love over war, tolerance over anarchy, kindness over cruelty, peace over chaos and maybe we won’t have to walk around afraid that we are gonna be blown sky high by some faceless home-based terrorists.

Just getting home from church and the anti-bomb squad at my church was one in town! They left only one accessible entry/exit to the church premises and checked our cars- boots, under it, in it, over it for bombs with sophisticated gadgets then we were frisked like we were under arrest before being allowed to enter the church, ’twas quite exciting I tell you! And then there was a whole bunch of saintly vigilantes with torches on the look out all night! Thanks Bishop! Una do well!

I long for a Nigeria in 2012 where fuel subsidies are in place like the good old days, where Boko Haram magically disappears and people can walk around without fear, where GEJ shows us that he has got the spunk and wisdom of a true Niger Delta man and where PHCN behaves. Afraid to ask for more since Santa isn’t taking requests till the end of the year. Never stop praying for Nigeria, she’s all we’ve got.

Happy new year again peeps.
Love you plenty. Have a lovely first date with your hot new girl. 2012 is eager to please so let’s take advantage…xoxoxo

 

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 33,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 12 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

Red Christmas

Mama Pat woke up at 5am today, she had barely slept during the night. It was christmas morning and she felt a bit of unease. Maybe she ought to ask Pat to double-check that their troublesome chicken hadn’t escaped yet again. She had a feeling Bro Andrew had given them the worst in his poultry. That chicken had better be sweet she muttered to herself. She struggled out of bed, feeling uneasy again. Chineke God, the last time she had felt like this, she had burnt Ogbuefi’s soup and there had been trouble in the land. She entered the kitchen and lit the stove preparing for the hours of cooking that usually preceded the festivities then it occurred to her that this christmas was a sunday. She hadn’t bought that new george because Mama Ada made it so expensive saying it was due to the soon to be removed fuel subsidy. She would manage the one she had bought for August meeting. She set about gathering her 6 children and dressing them in their very best for morning mass. She dared not wake Ogbuefi because he had come in at an ungodly hour drunk and singing ‘We winch you a marry christmas…’. Even now, his loud snores pervaded the room…

An hour later she led her excited clan out the door and down the street, hailing her next door neighbour and ignoring Mama Ada who looked quite splendid and proud like a peacock in her christmas george. After a 15minute trek they reached St. Theresa’s Catholic church. Church was full and Fada had just begun mass. It might have been a glorious service but we’ll never know because just as mass ended and people began trooping out, a bomb exploded! Killing, maiming, destroying… Painting Christmas a vivid red as screams and pools of blood drove out the Christmas cheer. . Mama Pat had just risen up to go and greet Pa Samuel, she saw limbs flying and remembered her children as she slipped into unconsciousness…

Merry Christmas people though there’s nothing merry about it. Today many lost their lives and several more were injured. Chickens forgotten, Christmas a faraway thought as they search for missing loved ones and struggle for their lives. Our president’s words were hardly comforting as Boko Haram struck again. Isn’t it time a witch-hunt was carried out and the members of this group, exposed and incarcerated? The cries of their victims have reached high unto the heavens. The sun is reddened and the earth angry at drinking so much blood. We cannot continue to bury our heads under the sand like ostriches, hoping that if we turn a blind eye to Boko Haram, they will magically disappear. Everyday they strike a little closer, kill a little more and gain a lot more power. See how eagerly they claim responsibility for heinous acts. Why do we always have names but no faces? Even if they use aliases can’t they be fished out? Can the government do nothing to stop its people from dying like chickens? We spend so much of our budget on such mundane things but if our army and police can’t put together a special anti-Boko Haram unit that works better than NEPA does, can’t we at least import them? Importing the CIA or FBI at a fee and giving them free reign to combat this menace will pay us far more than our ever-increasing rice imports.

We cannot keep on saying it will end one day and yet we make only feeble attempts as we shake our heads sadly and continue to crack our chicken bone? One day Boko Haram may decide your neighbourhood is their next target and is that when the citizens who have barely escaped with their lives will finally cry out and take to the streets in protest like those in the Lekki community turned out to fight against the toll gate fees? This cruelty and absurd, blind hatred must be stopped before it cripples our nation. Jonathan forget the fuel subsidy and the 2012 budget. You can’t govern dead people or worse, people anxiously afraid of death. National security is your primary task. Let it be said that you did one good thing, eradicate Boko Haram and trust me, despite your short-comings, we will sing your praises for years to come. They are a thorn in your side, a scourge to your governance. Rise up and fight! Obama may not be perfect but his people will always remember that he brought Osama Bin Laden down and avenged the death of their loved ones. We need you to step up, above the bureacracy, above the intrigue, above the conspiracies and fear. Be the man we voted into power. Let no cow be deemed sacred till the enemy is put away forever. Do not let holy anger cause a revolution. Nigeria doesn’t need more factions. A new terrorist group to fight Boko Haram would only mean more innocent people would be caught in the cross-fire but your people are getting dangerously close to not caring. Jungle justice cannot be the answer in 2011 or 2012 but you are fast leaving us with no other choice. Like kids in a school yard rising up against a bully, our defence is ‘They started it first!’.

For the men, women and children of different religions, tribes, occupations and ages who Boko Haram sent to an early grave, may your blood be avenged! And to those left to deal with the loss and who will forever remember December 25th 2011 with tears, may the children of those who caused you to grieve die like chickens and may anyone who has ever identified with Boko Haram curse the day he was born.

There’s never a good reason to kill another human being. Today I am thankful for the gift of life. All we ask is for one Nigeria, where muslims and christians can live peacably and worship their God without fear or prejudice. We have a right to life!

Merry christmas chutzpah family…
Love you all!

Have a holiday untainted with blood or sorrows….xoxoxo