My name is Gbenga, you can call me the bachelor. I’m 37, I have my own business and live in a posh apartment. I have two cars and no babymama. Ok I’m not counting Seyi cos no matter what she says that kid ain’t mine. Let me start by telling you about Seyi, we dated for a while. She’s the typical Lagos banker. Light skinned, Brazilian hair with a Brazilian butt to match and the first time she walked past me in that oh so tight pencil skirt her butt gasping for air, I knew she was the mother of my children. Seyi turned out to be as needy as a toddler and she practically drove me insane with her marriage talk. One day I found a secret folder on her laptop and that was when I knew she had to go. The babe had planned her wedding even up to the songs the DJ would play. I’ll admit her wedding gown wasn’t bad but it irked me that she had a picture of her in it. Like seriously. And when I saw my picture which I was expecting as the groom along with two other possible grooms I freaked out. She was my girlfriend and I loved her but apparently I was just a pawn in her get married or die trying scheme. I broke it off with her that evening and almost laughed out loud when she seized the opportunity to tell me she had misplaced her period. Dude you better find it, maybe you should ask the other two grooms *rolling eyes. Nine months later a very igbo-yellow baby pops out of her and she sends me a pic via whatsapp (hiss). I blocked her there as well. Should’ve done that when I deleted her from my BBM. Anyway haven’t heard from her since so maybe groom number two (or three) turned out to be the father. Ok so that’s that with Seyi. She was girlfriend number 9 and I won’t even count the flings or friends with benefits (don’t judge). Anyway let’s just say I’ve been around for a while and I’ve seen it all and done it all -Ok almost all. When a guy is as successful as I am, after a while his friends figure out that finding a woman isn’t his problem and they give up the matchmaking. Somebody shout hallelujah! Anyway 10 is my lucky number and I hope that when I meet her she’ll make me hang up my boots for good but while I wait, here are 10 things you should know about me;
1. All those marriage sermons and prayer points do not apply to me. The other day I was sitting in church and the pastor asked all the single people in church to come out for a special anointing. I just sat there. I am single by choice and it ain’t a problem or a disease and my grandfather definitely had nothing to do with it, heck the dude had 8 wives. Anyway there I am staying put with a smug smile on my face and then I catch Deaconess Bola glaring at me. That woman has been less than subtle in her matchmaking escapades and for years I’ve politely avoided her daughter Bisi whom I noticed was the first to stand up when the pastor’s call came. Shuo na by force?
2. No more drama. I have gotten to a stage in my life when I can sniff out a woman who has got drama better than a police dog sniffs out drugs. The nag, the attention-seeker, the ratchet, the bully, the vicious woman, the one with the acid tongue, the control-freak, the pathological liar, the one with daddy issues, the insecure one, the one with the temper; they all spell drama to me and at 37, I’d rather go to bed alone with peace of mind than fall asleep in the arms of a Kim Kardashan look-alike who’ll be giving me hypertension the very next minute and to think some men are stuck with this for better or worse till death? Olorun maje oooh!
3. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks! I tried it with my dog Max and he just sat there eyeing me with a very bored expression on his doggy face. It’s the same with me. I moved out of my parents house at 26 and for 11 years I have cooked the same way, cleaned the same way, put my shoes in a particular place, arranged my house in a certain way and kept my socks in order. I’m meticulous, fastidious and a tad obsessive-compulsive. Ada learnt that the hard way. You can’t just come into a grown man’s house and start playing house- This ain’t your dollhouse! It was a nightmare. I couldn’t find anything. When I saw her toothbrush in the toilet, I knew she had to go. There can’t be two captains on this ship miss!
4. I do not have commitment phobia! That’s some unattractive little box obnoxious females like to put me and my kind in. Absolute rubbish! When I find her I’ll commit. But till then, there ain’t nobody gonna force me to do what I don’t wanna do! Shikena
5. Being alone makes me a master at everything I do. I’m an astute business man, a wine connoisseur, I’ve got a great body because I never miss my time at the gym, got excellent taste in clothes and because of my vast experience in woman anatomy and psychology, I am a great lover and well a master at woman-ergonomics! One thing I noticed about a lot of my friends is that once they meet the one, it gives them licence to sign up for mediocrity. Take George for example, I used to look up to George. He was fine, suave and successful and considered a great catch by the ladies. Now he is married, has a potbelly, never goes to the gym and is content with his regular 9-5 job. M-E-D-I-O-C-R-E! He tells me when I get married I’ll understand. Does getting married infect you with some virus? Eek!
6. Mummy stop praying. You make me feel guilty. And NO I won’t marry aunty Nkechi’s daughter and YES I will give you grandkids before you die! Sheesh
7. Yeah, yeah all my friends are married and from being in a wolf pack I’ve been reduced to the lone wolf and yes I’ve had to hangout with the younger dudes at work because my friends have to be home by 10 but hey who’s complaining? Certainly not me.
8. And yes it’s true I do have an impossibly long list of all the things I want in a woman but trust me if you’d been around as long as I have, you would realise that with great smarts comes great responsibility. I’m responsible for my own happiness, I’m smart enough to acknowledge this and to realise that the woman I pick has got to be able to keep me happy. Yeah yeah this is my curse. It’s really not about looks. At this age I’ve dated them all. Even Chinese and Jamaicans The thing is this woman has to get me totally. I don’t want someone who’s gonna try to change me or disrespect me and she has to be in sync with my chi. She’s gonna be my 10/10. (Told you 10 was my lucky number)
9. There’s nothing wrong with me! Friends, family and colleagues take note. I am not damaged goods, nobody broke my heart when I was young. Ok Chineye did but that was ages ago and I’m long over it. I do not have psychological issues or sexual issues and I do not come from a broken home. I choose to be single. Thank you
10. The doctor says I don’t have a biological clock and that as long as I keep fit, my sperms will be up and running till I’m 80! My uncle John got married at 55 so nobody rush me cos if the pressure becomes unbearable I’ll do the unthinkable- marry a random babe and heaven help you if she drives me insane cos I have a .47 and you’ll be the first I’ll gun down.
I am an unrepentant, unapologetic bachelor and life totally rocks. I wish women could take a cue from me cos they spend way too much time obsessing over a man or lack of one. Anyway I’m out, gotta go watch some football and guess what there’s no one here to fight me over the TV remote! #bliss
For B.Y, Y.O and Y.A take your time boys…;-)
Have a great week chutzpah family, xoxoxo