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The Wiser

Someone once told me that the worst sort of misfortune is to fail to learn from your own experience after failing to learn from the experiences of others leading to an infinite cycle of mistakes because you refused to learn. Sounds awful but you’d be amazed how common it is. 
If you have any doubts, look around you; the young girl who seems so well put together but keeps picking the Yoruba demons, married men on the prowl, serial monogamists, violent, insecure or yahoo boys as mates. Her whole dating history can be summed up into the caption for the movie ‘Edge of tomorrow’: Live.Die.Repeat.

Or how about the guy who jumps from one bad decision to another, fueled by the incessant ill- advice of no good friends or petty jealousy and rivalry or ego trips that turn up empty. First it was the pyramid scheme that would give him 1million from 1 thousand if only he recruited 9 other people (seemed easy enough) and then the forex deals that went sour and then the real estate deals that weren’t pure. Losing more money than he earns gotta be tough but is he the wiser?

Before you start judging, look inward. We all have that one thing that has become our live.die.repeat.

LIVE

Like any addiction we feel alive when we embark on a new misadventure. We believe that this time it will be different; that this situation is somehow different from the last or we are somehow more justified or have learned a bit more to be able to handle it this time.

And yet we…

DIE

Every single time we get crushed, the destructive pathway hurts a little more. The nightmarish déjà vu staring you in the face. They say only a mad man does the same thing the exact same way every effing time but expects a different result. So why does your anger seem to always get you into messed up situations? Why do your decisions lead to destruction? Why do you lose your cool? Why do you still chook head when you know how the story ends? The failed relationship, the lost finances, the broken friendships, the anarchy, the personal failures…

You know you die but like a moth to a flame you just can’t resist so you…

REPEAT

And then you swear you have learned your lesson till the next time the exact scenario plays out and then you fall on your face claiming that to err is human and it’s the way you were created and no one’s perfect and blah blah blah justifying your actions instead of making a conscious effort to learn from them and ditch the destructive behavior for good.

I am guilty, you probably are too!

Faults, addictions, character flaws and weaknesses should not get the better of you! Be the wiser, it is possible, regardless of how tempting delving in is. Remember that sometimes when you die, you really die. Choose to live!

Have a great day,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2016 in Inspirational

 

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Natural Hair Karma!

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I haven’t written a memoir in a while.

I’ll be the first to admit that. Well I got married (stale gist) and a lot of well meaning people were fast to point out that MizChutzpah would have to put a lid on her memoirs since no well meaning married woman should ever be caught talking about her personal life on social media!

Well I’m not sure they were referring to tales about my unruly hair oh cos if they were- biko thou judge and jury no vex, but this tale must be told!

……………………………………………………………………….

You already know my hair is one kain, read here if you have forgotten: this my hair sef

Anyway thanks to relaxers and good weaves I had been managing my hair jejerly and a lot of people even gave me pretty nice compliments because the hair upon all its shakara cleans up real nice on good hair days! And then the advent of the natural hair journey movement changed my life!
I’ll admit that in the early days I was like lailai ti lailai, I am team relaxer for life (who doesn’t like sleek straight oyinbo looking hair?) and the way some of the girls were wearing the hair like class captain badge sef and not even packing it properly just put me off.

Then came the fights on social media, name calling and what not became the order of the day. The naturalistas trying to make everyone feel like they betrayed their forefathers simply because they put relaxer in their hair! I would just sip my tea like Kermit and buy my Dr. Miracle while enjoying the debate on Bellanaija! I couldn’t imagine having to struggle with a comb every single day for the rest of my adult life. I had it all figured out truly until I stumbled into this whole no relaxer movement pretty much by accident!

I had bought my relaxer (it’s still sitting on my drawer) but couldn’t find the time to go to the salon (not a DIY freak abeg). After I was forced to remove my weave (when hubby is almost going to kick you out of the bed because the weave is starting to smell), I contemplated what to do with the dew hair. One morning I packed it to work as best as I could, hoping I’d breeze in and breeze out before anyone really took notice though truth be told for some reason I was feeling myself that day (the hair was fine sha) and got some natural hair compliments (odd) though one babe told me to go and relax the hair sharply. Anyway I kept putting it off till it became a thing somewhat (thanks to wigs, they are the real MVP).

Fast forward a couple of months and there I was, bored on a Saturday night in March 2016 and watching youtube videos when I stumbled on a DIY big chop video (shey I told you I wasn’t a DIY person). Anyway my hands got all itchy and I knew I was about to do something stupid, I left hubby in the sitting room and like a naughty child went in to play with my toys (toys being a sharp pair of scissors, my hair being led like a sheep to the slaughter and my mirror) and chop, chop, chop I went, feeling like Edward Scissorshands and somehow deriving some morbid satisfaction from seeing my hair fall to the ground. I walked quietly to the sitting room to confess my sins and reverend father was not pleased! His first reaction was a horrified expression while he was gathering the memento to utter his first words. Feeling cocky I gave him the scissors to finish the job since the middle of my hair looked like a rat had had a field day there. Being the supportive man he is, he quietly added barber to his cv and tried not to say the words he so badly wanted to say. I wore a hair band to church the next morning and I absolutely hated my hair. I won’t lie I sat on the toilet seat after church and cried my eyes out till it was time to make lunch. Nothing eats at your self-confidence like having hair that can’t pack!

Fast forward a couple of months, a million trial and errors and endless wigs not to mention the fortune spent on hair products half of which I couldn’t or wouldn’t use and my hair and its hunger for hair products had become a standing joke in the house. The hair had grown to a point where it could be joined with plenty attachment to make a base for weaves and I was living my life almost the same way as before the big chop (team weaves and braids), to me it was not a movement, I had nothing to prove. I wanted to feel beautiful and whatever helped me achieve that was my business alone! I’d like to give a shout out at this point to closures, whoever invented them should just come and collect her award because my hair was too short and natchy to peek out from a weave so that really wasn’t an option! Anyway since I was playing for both teams, I knew one day karma would catch up with me (it kuku has and I didn’t die so I shall continue this hair bigamy unrepentantly forever)!

About the karma incidence…

It was my birthday and I needed to renew my passport. The day before, I had put my hair in twists so that it would have a nice curl by the morning (thanks to youtube I had become a natural hair stylist guru of sorts plus the hair had grown plenty oh). Unfortunately my forestry reserve of hair was having the birthday blues and refused to be tamed so I put a hair band around it and left it looking the way natural hair looks when we don’t comb it (it’s still a style) and feeling the urban chic, I waltzed on cloud 9 to the immigration office. There was a short queue for the data capture and the woman in front of me caused quite a scene with her gorimapa ‘Amber Rose’ inspired blonde hair/head and when they refused to take her pic with her head looking like that, she had to beg random strangers for their wigs till an older woman obliged. If you have never borrowed a stranger’s wig, without a mirror or comb and had your picture taken the very next second for a passport that you would have for 5 years and a pic that would contribute to your luck at the visa office, then you cannot fully understand this woman’s ill-fortune. People found it so ludicrous they could barely contain their mirth. I won’t lie, I probably chuckled a little bit because really what if the wig had lice? (Mi o wa ku). Anyway that’s how it was my turn oh and I got up feeling fly and sat at the photo booth only to hear the worst words ever said to me: “Madam hoff ya scarf, no scarf fo pazzpot”. First of all WTF, second it’s a hair band, third WTF….sigh….why me? On my birthday of all days? How would I explain this cave woman passport photo? Anyway I could see from the impatient look in the man’s eyes that he wasn’t joking and he couldn’t be bought or swayed so I jejerly ‘hoff’ the thing and allowed my wild mane go free. I couldn’t even get myself to look at the picture on the screen. I looked like ‘I woke up like this’ but not flawless like Beyonce, more like the ‘I didn’t comb my hair before bed taadaa’ kinda look. #villageheadmaster #rugged #africangeh #villagebelle. I probably died a thousand times (the kind of death that your yeye lungs continue to collect air like they cannot sense the dire situation).

Anyway please don’t ask to see my passport and if you work in a visa office and happen to come across a hair with a face , I would like to just put it out there that I wasn’t trying to make a statement, the hair just refused to behave that day…here’s a toast to the next 5 years rocking my fro in my international passport! #karmaisunkind

Have a lovely night Chutzpah fam,
And next time you think you are having a bad day, look at your well coiffed hair in your passport photograph and thank Jesus!
xoxo
🙂

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2016 in Memoirs

 

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The Ideal Friend

You only need one!

A friend that sticketh closer than a brother and a brother is born for adversity but in these cut throat times…

Having a real friend is a rarity many long for but can’t afford, they are too busy chasing dreams to grow potential friendships and instead make do with frenemies- well not the absolute bad kind, just the kind that are happy for you and with you till you start to outshine them.

The truth is the world talks about frenemies like they are the worst but they seem to be just a mirror image of the friends they keep. Jealousy laced with a tinge of envy has become a hustle garland people wear with pride, it dictates their drive for success and their level of satisfaction and contentment in life in comparison with the next dude in their circle of influence. In fact many a frenemy have been the sure push behind a man’s success story (the Lord keep my enemies alive so they can witness my victory syndrome).

It’s all a great arrangement till you actually need a friend- one you can trust with your life, one you can do business with without ever getting screwed, one you can ask to care for your family after you are gone, one you can share your deepest, darkest secrets with, one you’d mutually take a bullet for, one you can laugh with, cry with, be brutally honest with and take real advice from because you know they have your back no matter what! Some people are lucky and their spouse becomes that friend, others are luckier and they are gifted with such friendships (na only Baba God fit give this one oh- because human beings are innately flawed and he knows what flawed souls work best in sync) but how do you get that sort of friend- the BFF who still cracks you up in your 70s and would still fight your battle for you even if it’s with a wobbly cane and hoarse curses?

Here’s how…

1) Be honest about the friendships in your life. 

Draw a list of all your ‘friends’ and then put them in 3 groups; 

the frenemies (they’ve pricked you with pocket knives enough times for you to know they’d stab you with a kitchen knife if they ever got the chance);

then the real friends (usually one or two- they won’t be perfect but you can count the times they’ve taken a bullet for you or gotten you out of hell- it’s not enough for them to sit with you and give great advice cos talk is cheap);

and then the acquaintances (it doesn’t matter how often you guys hang out- they are the ones who the world thinks are your friends cos they are in all your facebook and Instagram pics but you know exactly where you stand with them and don’t even want them knowing your business so there’s always a façade and lots of coverups when they are around). This last group is different from the frenemies because your frenemies have access to your heart and your personal business these people only have access to your good days and great occasions!

Now to the second…

2) Be honest about what you want out of a friendship

Everybody wants different things from a friendship. Most people need the 3 groups of friends to satisfy 3 different longings. The frenemies to push you to be better (some healthy or unhealthy competition), the real friends to share your burdens and the acquaintances to have fun with (because all work and no play…). A friend can function as 2 and 3 or 1 and 3 but 1 and 2 always cancel out each other and if a 2 acts like 1, the 2 becomes a 1!

The real issue begins when you blur these lines or worse put the wrong person in the wrong group. You need to be honest about what you want out of a friendship so that you don’t go telling your deepest woes to an acquaintance (TMI- awkward!) or to a frenemy (ammunition- dangerous!) A person doesn’t get upgraded to 2 because they have been in your life for years (perhaps waiting to strike) or because they held your hand through one crisis (did you get your degree after just one exam?). You need to take time to study their personality, how they feel about you and their concept of loyalty and their spoken and unspoken words not to mention their actions! The next time you want to reach out to a friend, you need to ask yourself what you desire at that moment- some excitement, some competition-driven motivation or a real friend and let it guide your call out.

3) Be honest about where you stand with each person.

Unrequited friendship is just as bad as unrequited love. Does your boo have a boo? If you are her number 3 and she is your number 2 then you are both out of sync and that friendship will not be satisfying. 

Don’t mistake a person who is genuinely nice and honest and helpful to everybody for your own personal person!

That’s why nice people always have tons of friends but they alone know who their friends really are. So if you are always sharing life issues with her and she’s so helpful and such a great listener but you don’t know jack about her or well the stuff about her that really matters, she isn’t your friend. She is your counselor, doctor or life coach at best! 

Not being honest about where you stand with people leads to disappointments and heart break and dramatic feelings of betrayal which you wouldn’t have been feeling if you only opened your eyes. 

4) Be honest about who you are.

Would you be friends with you?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people who are insincere, backstabbers, foul-mouthed, competitive, unfeeling (the bad character list is quite long) are the ones who are the loneliest, who crave more meaningful friendships and who have totally lost hope in the sincerity of a good friendship (“I don’t have friends that are girls, too much drama!” And the guys? “You know guys only want one thing!”)

Some people have developed these traits as a defense mechanism for all the stuff they have seen or gone through (kill or be killed), others are really good people deep down but never let anyone see the good because of all the emotional baggage it’s buried under but you must understand that actions and reactions are equal and opposite! 

Some people also see an overly friendly person as either suspicious (even the bible asks you to suspect a neighbor that loudly greets you early in the morning) or having too many friends so they don’t want to increase your body count. Sanguines tend to have a lot of acquaintances since they are easily the life of the party but very few meaningful friendships and as a result get very lonely!

Also some people are overly jealous and clingy and stifle their friendships but I think this again is mostly a myth. Unless you are a sociopath, a real friend would not consider you jealous or clingy because your friendship would be as much of a priority to them as it is to you however if your friend sees you only as a number 1 or 3,  she could have you committed!

If you are in need of a real friend, check yourself are you friend material? 

5) Be honest about the friendships you have ignored.

Nothing like a post like this to open your eyes and make you realize that you’ve spent too much time watering and nurturing the weeds instead of tending your garden! No friendship even the strongest ones will thrive without love and attention. Look at that list again, if you were unable to put down any name in the real friend group (2) then you need to draw up another list of people who could be potential friends (based on surprising acts of kindness, their total devotion to you even when you don’t give back or some other positive action- forget words) and beside their names write down why exactly you didn’t nurture that friendship. If the reason is a valid one, strike their names off the list (not all that glitters is gold) but if your busy schedule or laziness or your sense of entitlement is the reason why you you haven’t nurtured that friendship then get your garden tools and do some work! If the friendship was made in heaven, it won’t be too late.

Real friends make life so much more beautiful but even pretty gardens have weeds. If your real friend has hurt you and you cannot seem to trust him or her anymore, demote the person to number 1 or 3 and move on. You’ll find it easier to let go of the unforgiveness when you don’t have to pretend that the friendship is something it isn’t. Some friendships last for only a season, others for a life time but I can assure you that when one door closes the good Lord always opens another. 

Have a lovely day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2016 in Life

 

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Ten Crazy Truths About Going To School!

Ten Crazy Truths About Going To School!

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Going to school is the law! Well even if it isn’t no right thinking parent would allow you skip school entirely but is school really doing for us what it’s meant to? Are we in actual fact better than those who only know how to read and write and have no other form of organized learning? So many great men and women didn’t go to school and many more dropped out but they seem to have higher qualifications in the school of life than many so called educated people.

Here are 10 crazy truths about school!

1) You learn conformity
Conformity is defined as compliance with standards, rules, or laws or behaviour in accordance with socially accepted conventions. Conformity means you never ask questions, not the questions that are actually important. Conformity means not questioning the system even if it’s unjust and keeping your opinions and future actions in la la land in favor of doing absolutely nothing while offering watery smiles and profuse lip service to the very system that kicks against you! That is conformity!

2) You forget how to think outside the box
You do as you’re told or as others have done before you. You never stop to think for one minute how your life would be if you didn’t do what was expected but instead did that which made your heart glad. We become deathly afraid of the unknown, preferring to die in captivity than entertain a life beyond our confines! It sucks I tell you!

3) You start to believe that more degrees will get you the money and respect you crave
The Secondary school leaving certificate became the bachelor’s degree and then the master’s degree and now you are considering a doctoral degree not because you love school oh but simply because of the hundred thousand Naira difference in salary (before tax) the higher you go academically. Money that one young boy will blow in one night at a club! No wonder with each new degree attained the emptiness inside seems to grow, you are not living life my friend, you are merely existing!

4) You realise too late that those with the real money and power didn’t go to school
Yep, the reality hits you just after you bag your first certificate and then see a Nigerian musician who didn’t go to school spraying your future salary on a babe in the club! If you have doubts check out this link: Billionaires who didn’t go to school

5) They don’t tell you that half of the s*it you learn in school is not going to help you in the real world
I still can’t understand how dy,dx features in my every day life as a medical doctor. Someone once said it taught me analytical skills, heck I probably learned more analytical skills from watching Inception!

6) You are programmed to do what everyone else does as sheep do!
If the crowd is running in one direction, you just run with them without asking why. School makes you feel like the majority has to always be right, like minorities don’t matter and being popular is more important than revelling in your uniqueness. Hasn’t it occured to anyone yet that the nerds in school become the future successful ones and the popular ones are stuck with mediocrity when they get into the real world? Of course it has but it usually occurs to us after we are done with school! Check out this behaviour that aptly describes how sheepy we can be! Click here: Human experiment.

7) Your self esteem and abilities are reprogrammed by bullies and disgruntled teachers
It doesn’t matter if you come from a loving home, if you do not possess strength of character or perhaps an iron fist, a sharp tongue or bodily enhancements, then you are fed to the wolves as soon as you make your school debut! And the more you get maltreated by teachers and students alike, the darker and more insecure you become even if you can fake otherwise. School thrives on the fear of the weak and the prey are left scarred for decades after.

8) You spend all your time learning about other people’s inventions instead of creating your own
Your creative abilities are harnessed and then buried forever! Harnessed in preschool with endless drawings and compositions and Plasticine and perhaps the occasional science project but eventually buried in favour of learning about the inventions of men who instead of serving as pace setters and role models have unfortunately become mere fictional characters whose formulae you must memorise to pass Physics class!

9) You look down on the subjects that could actually make you rich- French, Arts, Music, Food and nutrition and Agricultural science and instead focus on the ones that would only get you into more school
And now you are 32 and can only speak English and Yoruba because you never took French seriously and your company can’t send you to work abroad! #missedopportunities.
Imagine if you had taken agricultural science seriously? The tomato crisis could have been your big boom!

10)You learn too late that knowledge really isn’t power
Nope, money is power and influence is power and influence only comes with money so again money is power. Respect is the distant cousin of influence and being respected is entirely subjective. People will respect a well read man but when push turns to shove they will cast him aside for the man with the money. That’s the reality in which we live!

School doesn’t teach you life skills or tech skills, check out this video: Don’t stay in school

…But we have to go to school or have already gone to school just because we don’t wanna be like the proverbial old man who cries tears of regret because he wishes he had stayed in school or maybe because we actually like school (some great memories made there) but school doesn’t bring success, fulfilment or happiness that’s entirely up to you! You need to realise it’s a flawed system and cast off all restraints. You need to maximise your potential and do what makes you happy and what you know you are awesome at, regardless of what society thinks of it! MAKE SCHOOL WORK FOR YOU, it’s supposed to give you an advantage so USE IT!

Stay in school but don’t let school brainwash you into becoming a lesser version of yourself!

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2016 in Inspirational

 

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The Element of Surprise!

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A friend of mine turned 30 a couple of days ago and her husband threw her a nice surprise party. Now this friend of mine is a sharp babe and shed tears when she walked into her surprise gig. They were tears of joy and gratitude yes but also big, fat tears of “can you imagine, I had absolutely no clue!” It got me thinking about all the other surprise parties I’d ever been too, mine inclusive and how the celebrants would snoop and investigate and try to unravel the plans before the big day and then be fully convinced that there were no such plans and resign themselves to a less than extraordinary birthday only to be blown away when everyone shouted SURPRISE! And in my usual way I began to connect the dots only I could see…

Some years before, at another party, there had been a debate on whether snooping around for evidence of infidelity was worth it. There were two very obvious schools of thought. The first school of thought was championed by my friend ‘I’ who announced that her husband’s phone was off limits to her and hers was likewise off limits to him. Then there was my other friend ‘Ç’ who announced that doing that was like burying your head in the sand like an ostrich that before you knew it he would have paid bride price for wife number 2! Then there was my friend ‘F’who vehemently insisted that if you so much as saw her boyfriend in what seemed to be a compromising position even if you had no proof she wanted to know immediately while my friend ‘M’ didn’t want any bearers of bad news coming near her because people were fast to focus on other people’s drama while ignoring theirs. It was a very interesting argument with all parties having very valid points depending on your perspective.

Now how does this tie up with my earlier line of thought? Well just imagine how painstakingly a devoted husband, boyfriend or friend plans your surprise party without you having a clue (of course we know some are terrible at that sort of thing and always get found out whether it’s a party or an affair) and even with your sixth sense, woman’s instincts, snooping, stalking, trailing and numerous set traps you still are utterly surprised on D-day, well same applies to relationships were fidelity is concerned. If he is faithful then you are blessed among women but if he isn’t, regardless of whether he is a first timer, occasional cheat or chronic womaniser, most men would tell you that all that really matters is if he cares about getting caught or if he doesn’t! If he cares about getting caught either because he loves or fears you, he will cover his tracks as stealthily and successfully as he plans your surprise birthday!

I once heard a man confess to having a ‘bae phone’ which was always switched off after work hours and hidden somewhere in his car, his other phone was his official line and wifey who was chairman of the snoop committee prided herself on how squeaky clean his phone was; no inappropriate sms, email or social media messages! If he hadn’t confessed, perhaps it would be at his funeral that his wife would get the surprise of her life (you know how offspring seem to magically appear when it’s time to read the will). Many men would just lock up their phones instead of going through the trouble of having a secret phone, not because they are cheating per se but because like my friend ‘O’ says, the desire to cheat or stay faithful should be within their power without someone misinterpreting every single sms! A friend of mine gave her man tit for tat by locking her phone, the dude almost had a heart-attack (why are guys so deathly afraid of their women cheating? LOL). They eventually called for a truce, no passwords or locks on any devices! Now back to the second thing that really matters, if he doesn’t care about getting caught, you’d most likely catch him without much stress and he’d be way less remorseful than if he was just a terrible cheat who couldn’t plan a surprise to save his life!

Now I understand why some people are so afraid of surprises! It isn’t half-bad though, consider the fact that you are blissfully unaware for as long as it takes for the surprise to unravel and it could take years and who knows, he just might have a change of heart along the line and kiss his bad boy ways good bye and you’d be spared the surprise of your life! (that’s why you should never boast about your marriage or relationship, rejoice and be thankful for the good you enjoy because some times you are unaware of battles fought and won or even lost!) For those who throw one heck of a surprise party, I can only say may your surprises always be good ones! (before you give someone a heart attack).

So would you snoop around your partner’s phone, emails and social media or would you not?
And if your partner was seen in a compromising position would you want to know or not know?

I haven’t picked a side yet and would love to hear from those who have!
Cheerio chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Relationships

 

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8 Odd Truths about Nigerians and the Economy!

Hey people, the exchange rate for a dollar is now 407 freaking naira! I was just shaking my head about the Nigerian economy and how everything is so expensive. I recently asked a Lagos babe on Instagram with a human hair online wig store for the price of one of her wigs and she sent me her price list in dollars! I laughed out loud and faced my business.

Who dollar epp?

Certainly not the Nigerian economy!

Someone I know was doing an online masters and chose to pay for his course per month but with the new dollar rate, he is paying almost triple what he was paying before! #badmarket

An egg is now sold for forty naira and the adamant market woman insisted on mixing the big ones with the pinchomic kekeres stating that no one was gonna buy the small ones from her if I picked all the big ones- like I care. First come, first serve abeg!

Why does the economy seem to get worse but Nigerians still find a way to adjust? The structural adjustment program of the late 80s has become the Nigerian nightmare! 

Fuel is where it is, 141-143 naira per liter, people have quit complaining since it is at least available. 

Everything is pricey but really I didn’t come here to rant. I haven’t said anything new. We know this and we hustle to survive each and every day and sometimes we get lucky!

I wanted to instead blog about eight odd and maybe even hilarious occurrences that are now rampant in the name of the hustle! It just makes you wonder…

1) Magas are still paying because they are above the economic crisis! Ask any taxi driver. A couple of days ago I needed to take a cab to UBTH because I really didn’t wanna drive and after haggling with the guy for what I considered the best price, he relented. Dude was as loud as he was fast and I couldn’t help chuckling in between prayers for my safety when he announced that it was the ring on my finger that made him agree to that price. “Sista for Bini we know say na those small, small unifasity gehs get all the money. If na them, na 5k last. You know dem get haccess!” So if you have ‘access’ you are above the Naija wahala!

2) The upcoming elections have made some people in Benin mega rich. While politicians are spending loads of money to get people on their side, the carpenter in charge of the wooden structures for the posters and billboards is smiling to the bank every day not giving a  rat’s arse about who actually wins. Making money out of national headline news good or bad- is what the true hustlers are doing now.

3) People are now gay for pay! Forget that it is an offense, we see guys on Instagram who boast about bae paying them truckloads of money for services rendered and it’s all just part of their hustle. Aristo chicks move aside, it seems the boys want a piece of the action too and they’d go to any lengths and it really seems like a lucrative business in this harsh economy especially since the mega rich seem mega kinky.

4) Houses are still springing up everywhere at alarming speed! While the average Nigerian is counting his precious naira notes, builders, foremen and construction engineers have not stopped thanking God for the booming business because ‘built in three months’ mansions are still cropping up every where you turn. Where EFCC oh?!

5) Still on property, everybody is suddenly into property sales in Lekki near the new trade free zone, just beside the next International airport and across the 4th Mainland bridge ;-). This utopia of sorts has more sellers than buyers and one begins to wonder just how much they have been promised as a cut. If you need a new hustle join the band wagon and for those relentless sellers; no thank you people ahn ahn it haff do!

6) Windscreen washer boys are not smiling! The other day a friend was in traffic when some dude attempted to wash his windscreen (we know the drill), he refused and washer boy got mad, he stood in front of the car, pressed the bonnet as hard as he could (he for try leave dent sic) and with a menacing expression kept demanding to wash the windscreen with an ‘I go wash am oh’ threat every 5 seconds till the traffic light turned green. Abeg when in traffic make sure your windows and doors are securely locked, not just for them but for all the other uniformed troublemakers lurking everywhere!

7) Local government boys have become the absolute worst. They have zero chill, zero filter and hustle or die attitudes. They are the area boys, the community boys and even the band of riff raffs hired as traffic law enforcement officers and then fired after years of menace. If you own a shop or you are building a house in a developing area or you are a traveling sales man, you know these people and fear them even more than the police, VIO and road safety combined! Where’s your roof-repair permit? Or your sit outside your house license? Where’s your switch on generator permit or your drive on our roads certificate? They chase, deflate tyres and make trouble like a legion of demons and their permits, receipts and licences never finish so your papers can never ever be complete! ‘Oga you no get this other receipt, na 10,000 naira, na yesterday dem make am, oya park’. The hustle never ends.

8) The two months salary human hair wigs, weaves and bleaching creams are still hot cake oh. The theory is simple, you need to spend money to make money. Uncle likes what he sees, uncle pays to see it again, the circle of life! So stop asking yourself who is buying all these things (face your wage)!

The list is endless, hate the hustle but put some respek on it! People are doing whatever it takes to survive and even in this dire economy, holidays in Maldives, first class tickets and tear rubber cars are still the order of the day, seems like some people couldn’t be bothered about the dollar! 

What weirdness have you encountered around you in the name of the hustle?

TGIF #friyay (hope money to turn up dey?)

Have a great day Chutzpah fam, may God bless your hustle!

xoxo

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 26, 2016 in Urban Culture

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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10 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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