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Back breaking clarity!

Back breaking clarity!

Two days ago, I was standing by the open boot of my car in a pair of cute heels, chatting away while absent mindedly lifting and arranging the boxes for the office Christmas party which was the next day. Just then, my village people struck! I twisted my back to an angle so I could lift and push an unruly box to the other side of the trunk when I felt the worst pain of my life and I howled like Tom getting a classic whooping.

I tried to stand up straight and the right part of my back hurt, I saw stars like literally. I walked painfully to the driver’s side and lowered myself gingerly into my seat, taking deep breaths while the sweat which had suddenly appeared threatened to blind me as it gushed down from my forehead in waves.

‘It’s probably a muscle strain or a sprain, take some painkillers and you’ll be fine’.

I nodded feebly as I put the car in reverse and started my homeward bound, very agonizing journey. You know how potholes can be vaguely annoying but quickly ignored when driving? Haa! Try driving with a bad back! It was bad enough that jolts of pain were shooting down my right leg and up my right arm as I stepped on the accelerator or turned the steering wheel to the right but those potholes had me screaming ‘Father Lord’. The pain was blinding and by the time I got home I was almost in tears.

I abandoned the baby girl life, kicked off my heels, managed to drag my handbag out of the car and limped to my bedroom. I have heard stories about lying flat on the floor when you have back pain but the thought of contorting my body enough to lower me to the floor filled me with palpable fear, I picked the bed and lay very still. Soon the pain passed and the sweating reduced and as my breathing became more regular, I picked up my phone with ‘kangaroo hands’ cos maami was afraid to stretch lest the pain returned. I actually thought I was getting better till I felt the insane urge to pee and tried to gingerly get up only to be rudely reminded that my body was not werking oh! I only had two options, pee in the bed or get to that loo no matter what!

Damn! I started thinking about the recent episodes of ‘Bob hearts Abishola’ and how Bob’s energetic mum had been dealing with being bedridden, started thinking about the story of ‘Sinbad and the old man of the sea’ and how Mr B would just be carrying me on his head everywhere! Then I thought about all the differently abled heroes I knew, the men and women who had learned to live their best lives regardless of their circumstances and a new respect for them rose within me. I thought of the zanku I hadn’t learned to dance yet and how I wanted to try the kizomba dance.

I thought about how I used to sway them hips and how I’d been reduced to walking like one of the old women in ‘Tales by moonlight’. I looked around furtively for something classy that I could use as a stick! I thought about how at 35, my baby girl life was being threatened into early retirement. Then finally I thought about my collection of heels!

‘No sweet Jesus, I cannot be subjected to wearing flats for the rest of my life please.’

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m crazy about shoes. I could already count at least four people who’d gladly come and share my heels assets with aplomb! Someone in University used to call me ‘height + heels’. Lol! Well some of us wanna touch the sky.

Sigh…I snapped out of my reverie, me that cannot even touch the edge of the bed in my current situation. Chei!

I made it to the loo and I could almost hear the furniture cheering me on as I took each pained step. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep all night and I couldn’t even toss and turn oh, just laid there like a log of wood, praying that cockroach would not choose tonight of all nights to climb me. Only had paracetamol at home and that didn’t even scratch the surface.

The next day, some dude who needed a favor at work woke me up with his calls, when I sent him a message that I was ill and my colleague would sort it out, he just replied ‘ok’. I rolled my eyes at the sms, what happened to ‘sorry’ and ‘get well soon’ and ‘take care’. World people! Anyway an alarmed colleague suggested I do an Xray and scared the living daylights out of me with her worst case scenarios. She wanted me to get to work immediately. Did I mention I work in another state? There was no way I was gonna brave at least a hundred potholes just to go get an Xray so I called the Orthopedic surgeon at work and described in great detail my symptoms, the location etc. He promised to send me a prescription and that I could do the Xray later.

That’s how yours truly was placed on several strong meds, one of which made me feel woozy from time to time. Ordered for some food, meds, company (my girl G) via my phone and even had that awkward moment where I was waving to the girl who brought the food, she was standing at the gate and I was trying to get her attention when some strange man in my neighbor’s house started waving back at me frantically. He was embarrassed and I was embarrassed, it would have been funny if I wasn’t in pain and wasn’t already dreaming of the rice, dodo and gizzard sauce I ordered.

Today is day 3 and I’m feeling almost good as new, I still can’t twist in certain angles though. I may even be able to attend Shiloh before it ends and who knows, be rocking heels by Christmas. Of course it helped a whole lot that Mr B returned from his trip and I could overexaggerate my pain and have him fawn over me abit! Don’t judge, nothing makes a princess all better like some pampering.

This incident gave me a whole new perspective about life and health. So many people have had their lives changed in an instant by a sudden illness or a dismal diagnosis or an unprecedented action and without forewarning or a backup plan. It’s tough, sometimes they have to be strong for their families even though all they want to do is fall apart. If you’ve ever been there or are currently in this situation I pray for strength for you, I pray for comfort and I pray for the will power to adapt, survive and thrive. Sending love and light your way…❤

If you have never been in this situation, don’t take your life or health for granted. Live your best life, have savings, investments and an insurance- nothing is too small and it’s never too late to start and be mindful of your health and activities. No one had ever warned me not to ‘lift and twist’ but after my back had issues I went online and bam! There it was all over the place! Warnings and more warnings and the degrees of injuries that could result from lifting and twisting. I think I was lucky, to be honest, it could have been much worse.

As Christmas draws nigh, please live life intentionally! Is your Christmas tree up yet? Mine is still in storage, Santa had better know I’m on bedrest, he should just nicely park the Lamborghini I asked for in front of my house and put the keys under the footmat. Daalu!

Have a great day Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2019 in Memoirs

 

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My new gig and all the other stuff I need to tell you!

Hey Chutzpah fam,

I am sorry.
There are not enough words to excuse my absence.
I am so sorry for leaving you guys hanging for almost 3 months. Gosh that really is a long time!

I would like to thank Michelle, Sir OJ and Adesuwa for being my top commenters for the year 2015! You guys make blogging worthwhile, love you! I would also love to thank everyone who took out time to read, share and comment on my posts all year round. God bless you all and may the last hours of 2015 bring you a dumbfounding miracle!

Great news, I got a job writing for Cosmopolitan magazine. I grew up reading cosmos and it’s amazing that now I get to write the same type of articles that stole my heart and made me the woman I am today! Yayyy! I have already written a bunch of posts for them using my real name Anita Benson. So here’s part of the reason why I haven’t been blogging so often and I do promise in the new year to strike a balance because I’d hate to disappoint you guys more than I already have.

Then there’s the not so great news. My older posts are all over the internet shamelessly plagiarised by wannabe bloggers. I think it’s despicable for someone to claim my intellectual property as theirs but I really don’t know what to do about it! Any ideas people?

Then there’s the petrol wahala! Some sanity seems to have returned to Lagos with fewer queues and filling stations selling at 87 naira but in Benin city, the queues are still long and the evil filling stations sell fuel at 120-135 naira per liter. Does anyone know who is supposed to be in charge? Oshiomole doesn’t seem to care at all! #Buharitakenote

And then I’d like to say a huge congrats to my sister and her beau who just tied the knot. God’s blessings darlings! And to all my friends who recently had babies (it’s raining babies this season). May joy never cease in your lives.

And my friends, the ones who made 2015 beautiful… Ruky Orife, Tolu Sowande, Funsho Orepitan, Isoken Ulikhinfo, Oke Onuwaje, Uche Agboje, Ufoma Obademi, Wura Olusanya, Dunni Ajayeoba, Chioma Agokei, Ame Nehikhare etc. Love you guys. God bless you for loving me flaws and all.

So barely 36 hours left till 2016 and here are seven things I want you to carry with you into the new year!
1) You do not have space in your life for toxic people. Any one who doesn’t uplift, encourage, improve or comfort you should have no place in your life in the new year. Zero tolerance for BS! Only allow positive people into your life so start spring cleaning your social circles, phone book, Whatsapp, BBM and social media from today!
2) There is absolutely nothing you cannot do as long as you put your mind to it. Nobody remembers how many times you failed at it once you finally do succeed so let your mantra be ‘I can and I will’!!!
3) Start and end your day with God! It’s the only way to stay victorious, happy and at peace!
4) Make room for family. Call your parents, siblings, relatives. Let them know how much you care. You won’t always have them with you, ask those who unexpectedly lost their loved ones. There will never be enough time, you need to create time!
5) Save and invest! Those who will be poor in the new year will be those who eat everything that comes into their hands. Set something aside for later regardless of how tight things may seem. You’ll be grateful you did!
6) Help the poor. Find someone that you can make smile at least once a month either with cash or kind. The bible says those who help the poor lend to God and you know lending to God is the best investment ever.
7) Don’t stop believing. You may not have achieved a whole lot of your goals for 2015 or even the year before and your prayer requests may seem unanswered but don’t lose hope, don’t stop believing. He has a plan for you and His timing is perfect. Be steadfast and patient and you’ll be glad you waited for His time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY DARLINGS!!!
MAY IT BE YOUR BEST YEAR YET!
HUGS AND KISSES!

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2015 in Inspirational

 

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Eggs on the run!

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What do Mondays and burnt toast have in common? Actually nothing unless you are Miz Chutzpah and this happens to be the craziest Monday morning you’ve had in ages or how else would you explain what happened to me this morning?

Here goes…

I woke up in time this morning, thankfully I said my morning prayers or heaven forbid, my morning could have been much worse. I was about to jump into the bathroom at a quarter to 7 when I remembered that hubby had a big day this morning and it’d be nice to make him some breakfast from scratch instead of warming leftovers. So armed with superwoman strength, I dashed to the kitchen, ditching my towel on the way and decided to make my special mayonnaise toasted egg sandwiches for him. I figured I could make them in ten minutes max and still get out of the house on time.

My sister in law had bought us Shoprite bread from Lagos the evening before and with glee I ignored the Benin-bought sliced bread on my kitchen table and began to cut nice, thick slices of bread for my sandwiches. One minute later, disaster struck. I broke the first egg onto the first slice of bread and it stayed put, tried repeating it with the second slice and the whole egg slithered off like it had somewhere else it had to be in a hurry. There I was struggling to catch runny eggs with my bare hands and seconds later I sighed at the futility of my actions and decided I’d let that egg go. I noticed the bread wasn’t evenly sliced hence the getaway egg saga and turned it to a more advantageous position (P.S: Always use already sliced bread when making sandwiches in a toaster). The new position only worked a little cos I still saw half the egg drip onto my already messed up kitchen table. Ignoring it and getting slightly irritated, I proceeded to put the second slices of bread over the egg clad bread and close the toaster and OMG the silly thing wouldn’t budge, much less close! Obviously the width of the bread was far beyond the capacity of the toaster but I wasn’t about to give up! I hoisted all @/$#@ kilograms of me unto the toaster determined to make it close by fire by force and then I heard two sounds. A big ole crack (groannnnn) as my trusty toaster split on the side and a deep chuckle as my hubby who had been quietly watching the whole drama burst into fits of laughter (Damn I didn’t know he was there!).

I was soooooo embarrassed….sooooo frustrated…..and wait for it…..so pissed!!! (Arrrrghhhh). Hubby asked me to calm down and go take a bath that he’d save the situation #supermantinz this was after helping me to close the already cracked toaster and put it on. I muttered something unintelligible and proceeded to leave the kitchen when I had another brainwave. The kitchen table was messy with eggs all over the place and I wanted it cleaned up cos I didn’t wanna come out of the bathroom smelling fresh and then have to clean up the mess. And so I attempted to clear the table and as I picked up a knife by holding the blade I howled in agony! The kitchen table had shocked me. My hubby quickly switched off the toaster and asked me to just go and take a shower #straightfacesmiley. I felt like such a klutz. I left the kitchen visibly angry with myself and then spotted the dining table where I had hurriedly left the rest of the shoprite bread outside its bag, I carried the bread gingerly to the kitchen to avoid littering my floor with crumbs and hubby glanced at me curiously wondering what was next. I stood by the dustbin and verrrry gingerly put the rest of the bread back into its bag and the f**king bag gave way!!! Hubby picked up the bread silently from the floor and with unshed tears blurring my vision, I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom.

This was a classic case of Murphy’s law- ‘whatever could go wrong would go wrong’. I was soooo pissed and cursed Murphy in all the languages my angry head could muster. What a great way to start a Monday….

As I sit in my office munching on burnt toast (don’t ask), I can’t but smile at the misadventures I had this morning. Thankfully the rest of my morning has been uneventful. Speaking of thanks, the bible says; ‘In all things and for all things, give thanks!’. It’s a bit difficult to give thanks when all the ill-fated dudes on the planet have conspired to drive you crazy but there’s always a reason to be thankful. I am thankful I didn’t get shocked to death- that’s as much thankfulness as I can manage at this point, but being thankful in all things is a learned behaviour and I’m learning. It’s our human default setting to complain or grumble when things don’t go as planned. But today I charge you to be thankful even when Murphy is in the building and your eggs are on the run!!! I cannot guarantee that your week will be problem free but I can guarantee that being thankful will get you more results than being a grump! My mama used to say complaining never got anybody anywhere.

So here’s to a week of gratitude!!! Have a great Monday chutzpah fam, Xoxoxo 😉 😉 😉

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2013 in Memoirs

 

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