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Accountability Isn’t Chocolate

Accountability Isn’t Chocolate

I have struggled with inordinate affections for chocolate for some time now. Chocolate isn’t good for me. I could write a long list of the reasons why but time and time again I’d smell its tantalizing scent and gaze upon its well chiselled angles and I’d lose my will and resolve.

It got really bad and I had to tell one of my friends about it. Babe out of love still allowed me indulge a little bit yet she’d give her fair share of warnings to fulfil all righteousness.

Chocolate was giving me drama and yet like a parasite I couldn’t shake it off. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize the person on the other side. She had become needy, jumpy, desperate for a sweet treat, tolerating rubbish just for a moment of sweet sublime. I didn’t like her. I didn’t admire her.

Chocolate definitely didn’t deserve such human adoration or reliance so I got myself a confessor. I picked carefully this time. Found a no nonsense health junky who thought chocolate was the devil! He was brutal, blunt and bold. He spelt it out to me in plain English, sucked out the romance and left me with a toothache. I couldn’t fault him because deep down I knew he was telling the truth. I decided to do better, no candy could hold me down. I started my 12 steps out of chocolate addiction. I was determined. Baby steps I said. I saw remarkable improvements in a short time. Alas it made me cocky.

I began to look disrespectfully at the miniature chocolate bars, eyeing them with disdain. Wondering how I ever let them get the best of me. I was wiser, smarter, too amazing for such filth. I pitied the lesser humans who hadn’t been able to shake off chocolate. I imagined my life free of all encumberances and couldn’t wait to be pronounced fully cured…

I bought some chocolate the other day. Naah don’t worry, I’m good. It was for my niece. I chuckled at a chocolate commercial, naah don’t worry I’m good, the commercial was really good. Last night I dreamed of chocolate. Naah don’t worry, it was a lingering memory but today I saw a really nice pic of a chocolate bar. The one that makes you want to prance into a candy store and I put it up for the world to see and gbam!, into my life with much aplomb came my two accountability partners. We are watching you they said. I blushed with embarrassment and tried to make jest of it. Naah don’t worry I’m fine. The joke was lost on them. Not a smile, their shoulders still stiff. You promised you wouldn’t embrace the darkness again they said. I remembered my promise. I didn’t want to embrace the dark, richness that often turned sour in my mouth but then I saw where I was, standing very close to the precipice. I was on the edge and I didn’t even know it. The familiar had crept up on me and almost entrapped my emotions the same way it had before. I hadn’t slain my dragons, I had merely chained them and they had somehow lured me beyond the safety of the chains and into their den. I needed the reminder, I desperately needed the wake up call. I wasn’t cured, I was in remission from an addiction that still lurked in the shadows. I looked at my friends with tears in my eyes, my accountability partners. Not all heroes wear capes…#grateful

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Posted by on February 4, 2019 in Inspirational

 

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The Rumble!

It rumbled and I quickened my pace, breaking out in a cold sweat, my house no where in sight. I felt another wave of regret wash over me as I broke into a run. I slowed down when I noticed the lascivious look on the face of the guy walking towards me. I hastily tried to gather my composure and give him my best version of disdain. It rumbled again even more loudly and I gave up, panic replaced the forced disdain on my face. I needed to get to my house before I was swept away, engulfed in the tsunami that threatened me. I started jogging. 

“It’s marvelous that you are keeping fit, I see you girls every evening but jogging is much better than walking. Yeah that’s it…”

I could barely offer a polite smile at the intrusive stranger. He had no idea that my world was about to collapse. That the sweat was not from exertion but from anxiety. I needed to get to my house on time!

21….22…..23

I took five deep breaths in close succession and continued counting. 

You can beat this…don’t succumb. My t-shirt was drenched in sweat. I heard the rumble again…much louder this time and my heart sank. I kept walking because I was too afraid to imagine what would happen if I stopped. I just kept walking…

I do not remember getting through the gates or turning the key in the lock or even ditching my clothes as soon as the door slammed shut. I only remember the relief that washed over me as I sat on the toilet and with one last rumble, let go…

I’m never touching milk again! Said the lactose intolerant girl for the umpteenth time. 

Sigh…we never learn!

Are you a little like me, thoroughly in love with something that’s so bad for you and willing to risk it all for a little taste every single time? Do you make penance afterwards with dozens of promises soon to be broken at the slightest whiff of temptation?

We all have our weaknesses but saying no to them is a skill we must acquire and master or else one day we’ll be so engulfed that we won’t make it home on time. 

So what’s yours? A secret addiction? An extramarital affair? Whatever it is you need to kick that habit before it ruins all you hold dear. The thrill and the danger are not worth the cold sweats, nervous shakes and dread that usually follow and perhaps like me you have become accustomed to this weakness and a little hardened, ready to bear the consequences like a Gee, remember that you may have to pay the wages for those sins very publicly and like me, almost crap in your pants in the middle of nowhere all for the love of milk…

#kickthehabit

Have a lovely night chutzpah fam,

Shout out to all the lactose intolerant people in the world.

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on July 24, 2017 in Memoirs

 

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