The best of a bad situation

A friend tagged me in an instagram video last night and I was totally mortified as I watched a chick sashay across a hall and fall smack on her face when her high heels did a 360 on her. Amidst loud guffaws she picked herself up unceremoniously and ran out as fast as she could and there I was thinking ‘that’s a nightmare’. The truth is there is so much worse out there than merely falling flat on your nose and what you do with a bad situation really matters in the grand scheme of things.

A while back social media was agog with the news of a vlogger’s marital woes and I wondered how she stayed bright, beautiful and positive all through the nightmare and still made a buck and got an award while at it. The age of social media has seen relationships lose the element of privacy as everyone is eager to be social which includes sharing everything and I mean everything online. Now while this might be a lucrative and exhilarating hobby there’s the downside of not being able to hide your sh*t when an ill tide blows your way and while little can be done to quell this trend (we are so past the point of return), something can be done about your reaction to a bad situation.

I may not be able to ask her about her bounce back formula or how she was able to ride the storm but whatever she did I am sure she applied these surefire rules to making the best of a bad situation and I know they’d work for you regardless of whether you’re dealing with a cheating partner, a failed exam, conflict, a scandal or great loss…

1. Take a break. You don’t need to impress anyone, there’s no award for putting on a facade and we certainly wouldn’t want you to crack. Seriously take a break. You don’t have to go on leave or quit your job or flee the state but it would help if you had a few hours alone to just breath. Inhala-exhala.

2. Be careful who you share your woes with. Sometimes the people around you are more interested in your ‘gist’ than in sincerely giving a shoulder to cry on and bad news travels fast. If you must speak, keep it brief and vague, it’s your personal life after all. Also telling the wrong person your grievances could blow them out of proportion. Plus family never ever forget wrongs done to their bloodline so if it’s something not so catastrophic that you know you can one day get past, limit the dissemination of information.

3. Have that one friend: That person who gives you a shoulder to lean on, has stood the test of time, would be brutally honest with you and yet show empathy. Someone who you are not ashamed to bring on the waterfalls in front of. Someone who would pray with you, encourage you and ultimately cheer you up. If you don’t have such a friend start looking, you only need one.

4. Count your blessings. When everything is going so crazily wrong, trying to hold on to the little that is going right could be your lifeline. Is your marriage falling apart? Hold on to that great career. Is your career over? Hold on to that supportive family. Is your heart broken? Remind yourself what a hottie you are. Find a reason to smile. This might be the hardest rule but it’s the only light you have in this pitch dark tunnel. Think of the people you bring joy to or the people who think you are fabulous. Feed off their positive energy. There’s always that one good thing in the midst of the bad.

5. PMR: Pray-Meditate-Recuperate
   Pray- Everything gets better when you pray. Jeremiah 29:11 says His thoughts for you are thoughts of good and not evil to give you a future and a hope. Let that give you reassurance. Tell him all about it. You might not understand why it’s happening but be rest assured he has a plan.
   Meditate- Get clarity on the issue. Think about the whole issue from start to finish. Focus on you this time- the mistakes you made, the things you overlooked and the things you could have done differently. Get some clarity.
   Recuperate- Think about your next step, plan, take control. You don’t have to have the whole thing figured out or your whole comeback planned out just the next step in the grand scheme of things. Never ever let yourself go in the midst of a bad situation. Have a plan no matter how unlikely to succeed it is and work your way up from there.

Bad days suck but making the best out of it is the only way you can come out stronger. Force yourself to look your best even when you feel your worst and avoid the 3 emotional pseudo-comfort foods – sugar, alcohol and sex. If you crave endorphins so badly, workout. Sounds crazy but exercise does release feel-good hormones. Don’t get fat, drunk or an STD! Sooner than you know it the sun would come out again and you’d kiss those stormy clouds goodbye! Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that’s a promise!!!

Xxx

 

10 more things that make absolutely no sense! Part 2

Letting off steam is proving to be quite therapeutic #forgivemyFrenchalongtheway. More rants coming your way…

1. Boko Haram marrying off Chibok girls! WTF! You didn’t carry those girls for 9 months in your womb or battle morning sickness. You didn’t change diapers or wake up at midnight to feed a crying baby. You didn’t hustle to put food on the table or to send any of those Chibok girls to school! How dare you take the brideprice that rightfully belongs to these grieving parents? Who died and made you the godfather? Counting down to your total annihilation shit heads!

2. Why are market women so deceitful? Why do they try to sneakily sell off their damaged, decaying items in exchange for your hard-earned money? Why are people so dishonest? Why do I need to watch you like a hawk before you do the right thing? Sigh…

3. Why doesn’t any one have a job description in this country? Why do policemen feel it is their right to fine you for expired insurance papers or ask to see your fire extinguisher? Na the work dem send you? Haba?!

4. Why doesn’t it pay to go to school anymore in this country? The richest men in Nigeria today are uneducated, unlearned, uncouth fellas. Really schools are either becoming outdated or someone ought to change the curriculum!

5. Why do politicians jump from one party to another like mogbomoyas crashing an owambe? I don’t see American politicians switching from Republican to Democrat at the drop of a hat, have some loyalty fellas. This dirty politics is starting to make my eyes ache! Grrr

6. Speaking of politics what is it with all of you and bags of rice? Kilonse? This is absolutely ridiculous. Swaying the masses with rice, how on earth is that democratic? The people are hungry, don’t make them sell their souls for a bag of rice and some loose change! How on earth will Nigeria ever get better if we all live for the moment?

7. And then all these Nollywood actors and actresses going into politics, H-I-A-N!!! Abeg what is your qualification biko? Most of your movies suck, you haven’t taken out time to master your field and now you jump into murky waters that you know nothing about all for one reason and one reason alone- MORE MONEY! Your hustle no get part 2 oh! I really hope you know what you have signed up for! I will say a prayer for Nigeria…

8. Lying that the man is your cousin! Today I heard that two cousins whom I know very well are getting married this December and no it isn’t incest. Family ties are getting looser by the day and the next time I catch a woman in a funny position with a guy and she says; ‘Have you met my cousin?’ I am gonna turn up my nose and walk out! As if!!!

9. Work colleagues who are not loyal. You spend more hours at work than you do any place else and they expect your help on everything from personal to work-related at a moment’s notice but then just when there’s a problem and you need these aliens to act like a team or maybe stand up for you, you find out that these hoes ain’t loyal!!! There is a difference between a work colleague and a friend, don’t get that twisted!

10. Loud neighbors! These are actually the worst type of neighbors. Throw out your TV cos with neighbors like these, you are sure to get your daily dose of Telemundo, Action X and Reality TV- VSNL guaranteed! Someone read them the terms and conditions please! Geez!

Got a rant? Post it here. Let’s let out the steam and make room for some inner peace.

Have a super weekend Chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 

15 things that make absolutely no sense! Part 1

This is the mother of all rants…Feel free to add to the number or to leave a comment about the one you feel die. Sometimes we have to let the steam out…#forgivemyFrenchalongtheway

1. Why does NEPA/PHCN have to take light just some minutes after bringing it, right in the middle of your favorite DSTV program when they know that DSTV takes forever to load?

2. Why on earth does DSTV take forever to load? For heaven sake regular TV loads as soon as you put on the Telly so there has got to be a software that can cut down the loading time or are we stuck paying big money for medieval services because we are Africans and most local TV sucks?

3. Why is MTN so stingy? They make billions every week and yet they are so fast to drain your credit or MB like a thirsty brother sucking up a soda through a straw and they never ever give freebies. Nothing like loyalty gets rewarded, f*ck you MTN how do I port?

4. Don’t you just hate traffic? Especially when you are late and your A/C’s acting up and after what seems like hours crawling some walking distance, you get to the front and can’t even find the reason for the traffic, aaaaargh!

5. Why does everybody abroad look so damn successful? Where are the people who they say wash dead bodies or do menial jobs? Where are those who live on the streets or have to marry an old hag for papers? Everybody all up on instagram acting like they play golf with Jay-Z every Saturday!

6. Why can’t people f*cking spell right? ‘Ow r u?’ ‘Yer am gud’ ‘kk’. Yeah, blame it on blackberry messengers and instant messaging but instant doesn’t mean Morse code, respect the English language! I would like to see you abbreviate Yoruba words. It’s bad enough that people are failing English in SSCE/WAEC but now they are making up words on the go!

7. Why can’t someone round up all the corrupt politicians in this country and force them into an early retirement? We know who they are, we gather at bars to discuss the evil they do and yet when one of them comes on the scene, we wag our tails, stick out our tongues, make sycophant noises and beg for doggy treats! Disgusting

8. Why do people think it’s OK to be less than professional in a professional setting? Why do you have to insult that employee or subordinate instead of just correcting the person? Guys leave your personal sh*t at home. Don’t be bringing it to the office, just remember that that employee could become one of the politicians in (7) above and guess who would be wagging his tail begging for doggy treats?

9. Don’t you just hate it when all your life’s achievements are summed up into two questions: 1. Are you married? 2. Do you have children? It doesn’t matter if you have a mansion on banana island or the 2014 range rover. Paddle your own canoe for Pete’s sake! It’s not your prerogative to remind me of what you feel are my problems!

10. Isn’t it just ridiculous that some people
    see opening a church as a lucrative business? They forget that church money is blood money, the Blood of Jesus is over all that money and if you steal it or con your way into it or greedily covet it forgetting that many of the people who give this money are poor people crying unto God for help, your affluent lifestyle will just be akin to Idi Amin feeding his victims at a lavish lunch before assassinating them. You are chopping curse oh, fear God!

11. Why are some people effortlessly rich? They don’t work hard, are not qualified and are not legit. Yet nobody catches them, they don’t die ‘suddenly’ and they don’t go mad, regardless of who they sacrificed! And then one day they give their lives to Christ and all their sins are washed away (money stays tho’).

12. Why don’t online Nigerian shopping websites indicate height of the model or the length of the dress, skirt or trousers they are selling? And let me not begin to complain about UK 7 shoes that can’t even enter my cousin’s feet and she wears a size 6. What the hell is wrong with you? Sell by fire by force? And y’all know your return policy is wack! Who is gonna pay for postage?

13. Why are our roads so bad? Mr Governor I know your potbelly is sitting pretty in your ultra expensive car but no matter how great your shocks are, you can’t pretend the bumps on the road don’t threaten to unsettle your food or that those ghastly pot-holes aren’t hungry pits waiting to swallow up brand new tyres! Chop the money if you must but do your job for Pete’s sake!

14. Why is customer service so bad in Nigeria? Like I need to grovel and beg to spend my own hard earned money or pretend I am highly entitled and an effing diva just to get attended to? Haba!

15. Why do Nigerians have such a ridiculous sense of entitlement? Everybody has to do something for you but you don’t wanna do anything for anybody, not even for your damn self. You complain that the roads are dirty and gutters overflowing yet you throw that gala wrapper on the ground without a backward glance. You expect everyone to bend over backwards for you because life has handed you lemons but when you get a chance to do something remotely decent for someone else you lock up! Absolutely ridiculous…

That felt good…now you try. Bottling stuff up can lead to hypertension, stroke,  heart disease the list is endless so take a deep breath and spill…leave a rant-full comment that sets you free…

Have a stress-free weekend Chutzpah fam,
Xoxo