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How?

Today a colleague said hello to me and his breath smelt really bad. I thought of telling him but couldn’t find any less-awkward way of passing the message across without stealing his smile and deflating his ego. I wish I had a breath mint or a pack of gum to casually offer him as friends fondly do while averting a disaster with the utmost tact. Ah well, I had none of these neither liver nor spunk and since it was but a momentary whiff I let it go and focused on cheerier smells. Later in the day as I lay casually on my bed I began to reason about the very many hows that dictated polite society.

How do you tell a man that you didn’t cum?
How do you tell a date that you really must fart?
How do you tell a cab man to stop talking?
How do you tell a fella that his body odor is murderous?
How do you tell your wife that she is getting fat?
How do you tell your date that his clothes don’t match?
How do you tell your mum that you couldn’t give two hoots about getting married right now?
How do you tell that friend that it isn’t any of her business?
How do you tell that neighbor that you aren’t borrowing her a dime?
How do you tell that guest that it’s time to go home?
How do you tell that woman that her vajayjay reeks?
How do you tell that man that his fuzz is an evil forest?
How do you tell that admirer that he is damn creepy?
How do you tell your boss no for any reason?
How do you tell your lecturer no when he demands sex to pass his class?
How do you tell the politicians who used their resources to fund your campaign that you are done with their corrupt arses?
How do you tell your inlaws to let you breathe?
How do you tell your child to let you sleep?

If anyone has deduced how to get around telling the truth without hurting another’s feelings please share. The truth is supposed to liberate but how damning the truth becomes when the shoe is worn on the other foot…

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Posted by on June 29, 2015 in Inspirational

 

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15 things that make absolutely no sense! Part 1

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This is the mother of all rants…Feel free to add to the number or to leave a comment about the one you feel die. Sometimes we have to let the steam out…#forgivemyFrenchalongtheway

  1. Why does NEPA/PHCN have to take light just some minutes after bringing it, right in the middle of your favorite DSTV program when they know that DSTV takes forever to load?

  2. Why on earth does DSTV take forever to load? For heaven sake regular TV loads as soon as you put on the Telly so there has got to be a software that can cut down the loading time or are we stuck paying big money for medieval services because we are Africans and most local TV sucks?

  3. Why is MTN so stingy? They make billions every week and yet they are so fast to drain your credit or MB like a thirsty brother sucking up a soda through a straw and they never ever give freebies. Nothing like loyalty gets rewarded, f*ck you MTN how do I port?

  4. Don’t you just hate traffic? Especially when you are late and your A/C’s acting up and after what seems like hours crawling some walking distance, you get to the front and can’t even find the reason for the traffic, aaaaargh!

  5. Why does everybody abroad look so damn successful? Where are the people who they say wash dead bodies or do menial jobs? Where are those who live on the streets or have to marry an old hag for papers? Everybody all up on instagram acting like they play golf with Jay-Z every Saturday!

  6. Why can’t people f*cking spell right? ‘Ow r u?’ ‘Yer am gud’ ‘kk’. Yeah, blame it on blackberry messengers and instant messaging but instant doesn’t mean Morse code, respect the English language! I would like to see you abbreviate Yoruba words. It’s bad enough that people are failing English in SSCE/WAEC but now they are making up words on the go!

  7. Why can’t someone round up all the corrupt politicians in this country and force them into an early retirement? We know who they are, we gather at bars to discuss the evil they do and yet when one of them comes on the scene, we wag our tails, stick out our tongues, make sycophant noises and beg for doggy treats! Disgusting

  8. Why do people think it’s OK to be less than professional in a professional setting? Why do you have to insult that employee or subordinate instead of just correcting the person? Guys leave your personal sh*t at home. Don’t be bringing it to the office, just remember that that employee could become one of the politicians in (7) above and guess who would be wagging his tail begging for doggy treats?

  9. Don’t you just hate it when all your life’s achievements are summed up into two questions: 1. Are you married? 2. Do you have children? It doesn’t matter if you have a mansion on banana island or the 2014 range rover. Paddle your own canoe for Pete’s sake! It’s not your prerogative to remind me of what you feel are my problems!

  10. Isn’t it just ridiculous that some people
    see opening a church as a lucrative business? They forget that church money is blood money, the Blood of Jesus is over all that money and if you steal it or con your way into it or greedily covet it forgetting that many of the people who give this money are poor people crying unto God for help, your affluent lifestyle will just be akin to Idi Amin feeding his victims at a lavish lunch before assassinating them. You are chopping curse oh, fear God!

  11. Why are some people effortlessly rich? They don’t work hard, are not qualified and are not legit. Yet nobody catches them, they don’t die ‘suddenly’ and they don’t go mad, regardless of who they sacrificed! And then one day they give their lives to Christ and all their sins are washed away (money stays tho’).

  12. Why don’t online Nigerian shopping websites indicate height of the model or the length of the dress, skirt or trousers they are selling? And let me not begin to complain about UK 7 shoes that can’t even enter my cousin’s feet and she wears a size 6. What the hell is wrong with you? Sell by fire by force? And y’all know your return policy is wack! Who is gonna pay for postage?

  13. Why are our roads so bad? Mr Governor I know your potbelly is sitting pretty in your ultra expensive car but no matter how great your shocks are, you can’t pretend the bumps on the road don’t threaten to unsettle your food or that those ghastly pot-holes aren’t hungry pits waiting to swallow up brand new tyres! Chop the money if you must but do your job for Pete’s sake!

  14. Why is customer service so bad in Nigeria? Like I need to grovel and beg to spend my own hard earned money or pretend I am highly entitled and an effing diva just to get attended to? Haba!

  15. Why do Nigerians have such a ridiculous sense of entitlement? Everybody has to do something for you but you don’t wanna do anything for anybody, not even for your damn self. You complain that the roads are dirty and gutters overflowing yet you throw that gala wrapper on the ground without a backward glance. You expect everyone to bend over backwards for you because life has handed you lemons but when you get a chance to do something remotely decent for someone else you lock up! Absolutely ridiculous…

That felt good…now you try. Bottling stuff up can lead to hypertension, stroke,  heart disease the list is endless so take a deep breath and spill…leave a rant-full comment that sets you free…

Have a stress-free weekend Chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
5 Comments

Posted by on October 31, 2014 in Life

 

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