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The side chic plus! *adult content

The side chic plus! *adult content

A couple of years ago when I was still in UNILAG, a couple of friends sat around a table discussing the new trend on campus. The ‘yahoo yahoo’ boys had gone PLC.  They had graduated from basic internet fraud to incorporating juju jazz as their fail-safe. How did it concern us you might wonder? Well babes couldn’t accept harmless lifts from men in bougee rides with tinted glasses anymore. Dead bodies of unfortunate females were turning up on roadsides often with a breast or an arm missing. Girls who escaped shared horrific tales of the wonders they had seen and the internet had silly memes of yahoo boys and their calabashes and charms. We called them yahoo-plus.

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m at another table and with some other ladies and the discussion turns to how hard it is to keep a man these days with the advent of the millennial side chicks who don’t play fair. One of them tells a story she read online about a guy who signed the deeds of the house his family lived in over to his side chick and she came to the house and evicted his wife and kids.

Wait….what?

Yeah…It’s no news that some girls will go as far as taking your man’s name to a pastor, prophet or native doctor but that’s not what this post is about (I repeat this post is not about jazz or love potions) and it’s no news that they are willing to do what you won’t, to keep a man- your man…of course for them, no line is too stressful, icky, freaky or unbelievable to cross to keep him happy but again that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about the side chick plus!

There are certain herbs, fruits and potions that legit make a man a slave to her ๐Ÿ˜บ  and ready to do her bidding. They are pricey but potent and are the side chick’s new fail-safe. #pillsandpotions

The good news is it’s available to all women…

The not so good news is that they don’t have NAFDAC numbers and side effects haven’t been studied in detail so in your quest for dominance you may end up with a one way ticket to ‘anywhere but here’.

The whole point of this post is so that married women know what’s up. Men don’t joke with good sex and these side chicks didn’t come to play. And even if a side chick isn’t your problem, these products make great claims of making sex amazing, eliminating ๐Ÿ˜บ dryness and boosting libido to insane levels and according to the viral posts on social media, they are 100% natural and 100% safe and best of all they have men giving women cars, lands, houses and insane amounts of money…never underestimate the power of sex #wawu

If I was a dedicated blogger I would have bought them all and tried them and perhaps come to give you a personal review but #icannorcomeandkeemyself. ๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹

So here I am only gisting you about the in-thing in town and asking you to shine your eye and who knows this post may just save a marriage.

Here are 5 signs that a side chick plus has got your man (not absolute, but the usual suspects) just in case the thought has crossed your mind:

1. He got abducted by aliens and the man who wakes up beside you now is a stranger.

He used to be all loving and kind and attentive and sex with him was amazing but now he is always out of the house or about to leave the house, stays out late, is not interested in sex with you and is emotionally unavailable. #redflag

2. You didn’t change, the marriage didn’t change, yet he is different.

You are still the hot, sexy super woman he married. You still don’t nag, you are very supportive and a virtuous woman on all counts but he doesn’t seem to notice anymore or appreciate it or even want you or the fabulous things you bring to the table. #redflag

3. He rubs his philandering in your face.

He didn’t respect you enough to stay faithful and now his respect for you has basically flown out the window because he is rubbing his mistress in your face every opportunity he gets. Men usually hide their transgressions but if he isn’t, then he may be considering making her the new mrs. #redflag

4. He used to complain about sex but now he doesn’t anymore.

He wanted more sex, better sex, crazy sex, longer sex, more frequent sex and you both would have countless arguments about your not putting out enough but now he wants nothing or whatever you offer. You didn’t win, he developed an appetite for the forbidden. #redflag

5. He is always broke.

His salary didn’t change, he didn’t take on some new responsibility or major project but for some reason every time you ask him for money for the things he used to provide for in the past the story is the same. He is broke and you should makedo without his input or minimal financial input. #redflag

One of the sellers on IG: @jaaruma_empire absolutely refuses to sell to single women cos she claims that once a married man gets a taste of this from his side chick he will never come home again but instead she sells it to married women whose marriages are in trouble and she is proud of the results.
This.is.not.an.advertisement.
So here are some of the arsenal in the side chick plus’s armoury:

1. Goron tula

Say bye bye to dry ๐Ÿ˜บ and the hassle of reapplying expensive lubes. This fruit promises a dripping wet ๐Ÿ˜บ no matter how many rounds you go with your man. It’s also available with Lakanin ningi (another fruit) and sold as a combo called GTMLN and comes as syrups, pills etc in case you are aversed to eating weird fruit.

 2. GJX

Promises to make your ๐Ÿ˜บ dynamite ๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ and make you squirt ๐Ÿ˜‚

3. Pheromone oils and sprays

One puff and the man can’t say NO because you are suddenly irresistible or he is suddenly h*rny. (Pheromones are hormones secreted by the body that trigger sexual response and somebody has discovered how to extract them).

There are a lot more potions and contraptions on the market. So the next time you are wondering why it seems like her ๐Ÿ˜บ is made of gold be warned, she just may have help.

I know it’s a cut throat world out there. Good women are single, good men are getting heart broken, bad girls seem to have the man and the money, bad boys only want to play games and keep score and marriage isn’t sacred or untouchable anymore.

Yeah it seems like everyone’s disillusioned but don’t get discouraged, amidst the WaZoBia demons and Side chicks plus there are good men, good women and good marriages. Be smart, be patient and trust that God will make all things beautiful in His time. 

    The side chick plus is as human as you are. She isn’t his archilles heel, you are! So be the badass you were born to be and don’t let some millennial give you sleepless nights. You have more intel than she does, so use it! You are his once in a lifetime woman don’t throw in the towel without a fight.

    If it’s broken fix it, don’t throw it away!

    Have a great day chutzpah fam,

    Xoxo

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    Posted by on November 12, 2017 in Urban Culture

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (10)

    The last lesson in this series, certainly not the least and definitely not the last I learned in 5 years because there are countless more lessons that have been learned and are still being learned. Marriage is a lifelong work in progress and with each passing day we glean a little more wisdom.

    So drumroll please……

    10.  Be open to learn from others even amidst criticism. 

    Marriage is like school, there will always be people who have been married longer than you have and people that have less mileage than you have in the marriage school. You can learn valuable lessons from anyone and everyone and learn disastrous ones likewise. People especially Nigerians are always ready to give advice (usually unsolicited) at the drop of a hat. 

    Don’t be aversed to listening but be careful about what you internalise.

    Better to ask questions than die in silence or assume everyone is walking with the same thorn in their side…

    Since I got married, I have learned tons of new things. I could write a book about my now impressive and still expanding knowledge base. From learning how to make my life easier in the kitchen (powdered beans for moimoi, tinned palm fruit for Banga soup) to learning and perfecting dishes from various tribes (ofada, edikainkong, black soup) even lessons in the bedroom (the things the karma sutra forgot to teach you)….There’s so much to learn and tons to unlearn but you have gotta remember that Google is the ONLY knowledge base that provides 100% solicited, unbiased advice without any form of criticism or judgement! Humans won’t be that kind or tactful in their delivery. I have had people complain about wicked in-laws who criticized everything they did when said in-laws were just offering unsolicited advice apparently from a place of love. Realise that in marriage advice will not always be sugar coated, a lot of it may damn well bruise your ego but if you are willing to learn one day you will attain advice- giver status. Don’t be so fast to throw every advise giver into the haters box and nail the lid shut! 

    The first time I had to make banga soup from scratch for the in-laws, it was the joint effort of Google, my mum (via telephone), the Holy spirit and my humble self. Hubby is used to me taking my phone into the kitchen and performing magic especially for the meals that are gracing our tables for the very first time and he is always impressed at the outcome (so never be ashamed to solicit help). By the next time, I’m now a don and fishing out recipes to women who need them and that’s life basically. Don’t get ticked off when someone or anyone offers you advice about how to do something better. Yes there would be a lot of toxic, unsolicited and frankly useless advice from people who constantly criticise because they themselves need personal validation but keep a cool head let them talk and then you do what is in your heart to do. 

    If the question is too personal or embarrassing, just ask Google. There’s nothing new under the sun. 

    After five years of being married I have realised that you are never too old in the business to unlearn something or learn something new and that advice can be from a woman who isn’t married, one who has been married for only a few months or one who has been married for over 30 years. 

    Give an ear but don’t give your heart till you are sure it’s good advice!

    Have a lovely Saturday chutzpah fam,

    A new series begins tomorrow!

    xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 22, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (9)

    Already on the 9th lesson! Time really does fly. Thanks so much for the feedback. The love and support have been so amazing. I was a tad afraid when I started this series because it’s very personal and as Nigerian women we are encouraged to never talk about our marriages. One or two well meaning people have expressed some concern about how deep, honest and ‘raw’ these posts have been but if they give someone insight and maybe save a marriage or two from mayhem then it’s worth every bit of honesty and time invested into it. 

    So without further ado, here’s the 9th lesson 5 years of marriage have taught me. 

    9. Don’t sacrifice your dreams on the altar of marriage. 

    A long time ago, when I was still a las gidi belle getting wedding proposals upandan a man asked me to marry him. He was cute, comfortable and seemed genuine but he said something that was a serious dealbreaker for me. He didn’t want me to be a doctor after we were married. He would get me a nice boutique somewhere posh and I would spend the rest of my days selling fine fine clothes to women and men. I had done a double take back then. After 6 years + X in medical school, I would end up treating fashion emergencies instead of real people just to satisfy his whims? Naaaaaah!

    Ask yourself these questions; What are your personal goals? Are you still in line with them days/months/years after marriage? 

    Don’t ever lose yourself! It’s so easy to. You had dreams before you got married. 

    I had lots of dreams, get an MPH, do a residency program, become a Consultant….amongst others and my husband has encouraged me to achieve each and every dream even when I wanted to give them up because of prevailing circumstances. It’s the exact same thing I do for him. You are not allowed to narrow your qualifications to the single but obvious one of being somebody’s spouse or mom, because one day the kids will be out of the house and hubby will be busy doing whatever it is he has always done and you are gonna look at yourself in the mirror and remember the little girl who wanted to be a pilot! 

    If your dreams are important to you, put them on the table when marriage is being discussed. They should not be unexpectedly thrown at a spouse months into the marriage when he suggests you be a stay at home mom. Many women have come to resent their husbands because they gave it all up for him to be great and he (human that he is), didn’t show the right amount of eternal gratitude!

    Marriage is a lifelong journey and personal satisfaction and fulfilment are as important as marital fulfilment. I’d rather be part of a power couple than only be the vehicle on whose back my man rose to greatness. Don’t get me wrong, I would be that vehicle if he needed me to be (all day, any day) but it would be a more fulfilling sacrifice if I knew that he was as committed to my success as I was to his. Marriage is a partnership and two can do so much more together than one could possibly achieve. 

    Some women have their wings clipped by the men they marry and they have to put a lid on their dreams for various reasons but even with that, old dreams can be replaced with new ones, as long as we are alive we should never stop dreaming. On the flip side, some women ‘retire’ as soon as they bag a husband. They give themselves a pat on the back, hang up their ambition boots and say to themselves, it’s now time to enjoy the life of my head… That is okay if settling down with a good man was all you ever wanted for yourself but the thing is, some men can’t deal with this and they begin to compare their wives to the women they meet every day in the corporate world and when the wives constantly fall short, the men become discontent. Woman know thy man and know thy marriage. If your man respects an ambitious and goal driven woman please dust your qualifications and go wow him! 

    In a nutshell, it’s so easy to sacrifice your dreams on the altar of marriage but ask yourself this; ‘Will you be happy and fulfilled in 30 years time if all you have accomplished were mother and wife?’ If the answer is NO then you need to bring out those dusty dreams and start really living! 

    There is greatness in you…

    Have a lovely evening Chutzpah fam,

    TGIF

    Xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 21, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (8)

    The eighth lesson I learned from 5 years of marriage is one that dwells on one of the commonest reasons for divorce worldwide- Money! 

    So without further ado here it is;

    8. Your finances require an ongoing balance for there to be peace and contentment. The saver versus spender principle!

    To manage your finances properly you need to be Ying and Yang- not two Yings or two Yangs. You are allowed to swap roles as the occasion arises but always opposites. 

    When I got married, hubby and I had the after-wedding financial discussion which was a follow up of the before marriage talk on the same subject. 

    As a woman, I had two options. I could choose to make my money entirely mine and then his money would be ‘ours’ or I could choose to contribute towards the upkeep of the house as I saw fit (without forced compulsion or emotional blackmail). 

    I chose the latter. Why wouldn’t I? I grew up in a house where both parents didn’t hold back financially where meeting family needs were concerned and hubby grew up in similar settings. The next hurdle we had to cross however, was who would be the spender versus who would be the saver. It may sound like a no-brainer but it’s actually important. This ying yang theory like I like to call it, came about because I had heard stories of couples who spent everything they had from paycheck to paycheck and were always stranded during emergencies. I had also heard of couples who invested every thing they had in the name of being prudent and were still stranded during emergencies. So we needed to create a balance, not a rigid one- but one that could be modified as the need arose

    So I chose to be the saver. I’d always loved saving anyway and hubby believed more in investing than just keeping your money wallowing in the bank for meager profit. He would cover the running costs (spender) and I would save up so we had some money kept aside for projects and emergencies. It wasn’t absolute because neither of us was expected to put in our all into the saver versus spender agreement since it was only logical that we would also have individual personal needs, entertainment included. 

    There have been times when hubby was the saver and I was the spender but hardly a time when we were both on the same side of the divide. This has worked for us till date but this can only work when you understand and trust your partner and no one feels like they are being taken advantage of. It’s not a perfect arrangement but as long as you are willing to sit and talk things over when a hurdle arises, you and your monies will be just fine!

    The way couples handle their finances vary from family to family and are a product of personal character and upbringing. 

    If you grew up in a home where your father did absolutely everything then you are more likely to lean towards that design however it is only fair that your husband knows that’s the deal before he signs up. One of my friends argues that men don’t want to be helped that it makes them lazy and bruises their egos so she is against giving unsolicited help. She has a point because we have seen women who gave their financial ‘all’ to their men and the men rather than appreciating it gave their extra to sidechicks and spent the rest on expensive clothing, toys and trips while the women couldn’t even afford a decent outfit and were worse for wear. There have also been women who by helping their men ended up spoiling them, so a once ambitious man after losing his source of income relegated his position as bread winner to his wife in favor of watching TV and playing video games. Every marriage is unique, you need to know the kind of man you married and therefore deduce the sort of help he would require. If giving your man your money will not make him a man you would respect in the long run then keep your money but save it towards something worthwhile and unselfish that you both would look at and smile. 

    You also need to make sure that as a working woman you have some money kept aside for your personal upkeep apart from the one you pool into the family expenses. Clothes, shoes, hair, entertainment, vacations etc. These are important to us women and women who have given their all and left nothing for themselves begun to feel drained, unappreciated and cheated in the long run #truestory. You even end up putting undue pressure on your man because you can’t buy the stuff you want even though women who earn less than you can easily afford them, because you are giving your all to your home and so you expect your hubby to fill in the gap and buy you those things but he figures that since you had the money to buy them and didn’t, you probably don’t need or want them and there you are secretly sighing with dissatisfaction. Abeg who send you message? He can’t read your mind. Communication is key! Make sacrifices but also be vocal about the things you want and need. You are a working woman and entitled to them. You may not get them immediately because of other pressing needs but the fact that you have mentioned them makes getting them a reality in the foreseeable future. 

    People always ask me about joint accounts and whether I believe in them. What I’ll say is do whatever works for you both. Hubby and I do not have a joint account but we are very open with our finances so it makes no difference. If a joint account will make it easier to save, by all means do so and if it isn’t an official joint account just one person’s account being used by both of you, let the person who doesn’t keep the ATM card be the one who gets the alerts on his/her phone so there’s accountability. I have heard stories of people emptying their joint accounts secretly to buy something frivolous only for the partner to find out a long time afterwards smack in the middle of a financial emergency. 

    Finally if you have doubts, concerns or issues about the way money is being handled in the family don’t stomach them. If you are not working and hence do not feel like you have a legitimate voice, find a tactful and gentle way to be heard or a clever way to save up if the issue has to do with spending habits (usually the most common issue). Finances often wreak havoc in a home but trust and openness are the only way to get money to work for you. 

    – Spend

    – Save

    – Invest

    These three are key!

    Be the ying to his yang…

    Have a lovely afternoon chutzpah fam,

    Xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 20, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (7)

    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (7)

    Today I’m going to share about the 7th personal lesson I have learned in 5 years of marriage. 

    7) Friends matter!

    So many women and men have had inner turmoils and even open conflict because of friendships made before and after they said ‘I do’. Some have advocated the ditching of all ‘single’ or ‘relatively irresponsible’ friends and with good reason (if you hear their stories) while others have kept their friends and made new ones along the way with varying results. 

    I can safely say that marriage did not force me to cut the ties from any old friendships (apart from exes) but there have been some new friendships that I have taken a step back from because they didn’t sit right with my life goals and beliefs. I met a married woman some months after I got married who I was initially friendly with. She wanted to show me the town, introduce me to her friends, organize a lot of exciting hangouts and of course wear matching outfits (asoebi) to every occasion under the sun. She basically wanted me to be part of her squad. Her squad entailed a bunch of married, fashionable, worldly wise women who wanted to be known and know anyone and everyone who was anyone in town. They even had a name for their association! I should have been flattered seeing as I was in a new town with no friends and she seemed learned and nice but something held me back. In marriage you have got to trust your gut! Years later, I am happy I didn’t encourage the friendship because I was to learn later on that there’s a certain general opinion about married women in cliques and I really wasn’t interested in being part of the statistic especially since it was usually rife with scandals. Sometimes being alone is better than being with the wrong crowd. 

    When you get married it’s very usual to be separated from your closest friends- not by choice, but due to distance or work commitments or even family commitments. It doesn’t give you an excuse to replace them with whoever is available. Don’t let the saying that when the desired is not available, the available becomes desired- become your story. You need to be even pickier with making friends after you get married because these friends will ultimately affect your mindset, influence your marriage and your kids and offer advice to you at least once in your lifetime, advice that may break or make you. 

    Little wonder a lot of husbands are paranoid about some of their wives’ friends. I know men who asked their wives to cut off from childhood friends simply because the friend in question was still single or too wild in their opinion. But I ask the men this question; If your woman could be influenced by these so called bad friends or single women who were in her life long before you showed up, wouldn’t she have been influenced before she got married thereby making her less than the virtuous woman you ended up marrying? Some men have good reason to worry about a friendship but for others it’s a thing of control.

    Don’t get me wrong, there are reasons to ditch an old friendship. People change, people grow apart, people stop traveling the same path, people stop having things in common and sometimes jealousy and bitterness from old grudges poison friendships and of course, there are times when everyone but the two people involved can see that the friendship is toxic and in that case your husband has good reason to save you from yourself. You just need to trust that it’s coming from a good place and not due to selfish reasons because a man can get jealous about sharing his wife with her female friend(s). 

    I had a friend whose ideas about many serious issues were very outlandish based on her upbringing and life experiences. I internalized what I thought made sense but discarded her other ideas. However, hubby got uncomfortable when I would tell him about my interesting conversations with her and one day he told me he wasn’t comfortable with the friendship. It was the first time he was telling me to beware of a friendship and the feminist in me wanted to rise up and let him know I could be friends with whoever I deemed fit and I was basically too old to succumb to peer pressure (maybe I said it out loud, can’t remember ๐Ÿ˜). Anyway I listened and I stepped down the intensity of the friendship by a notch or two and life continued relatively drama free…

    …Friends matter. 

    A woman is taught to make her husband her best friend but we all need one or two other people to unwind with from time to time who we don’t have sex with every night! I have always been of the opinion that a woman with too many friends comes to ruin (ref: the Bible) and thanks to Hollywood, a group of 2-4 women makes the perfect friendship circle (Sex and the city for example). Once you have more than 3 very close friends it’s no more friendship just multiple information channels for the dissemination of your private business to the world. 

    Sisters make the best friends in the world so before you start looking for a new friend, call home…

    Once you find a good friend, you stick with her whether she is single, widowed, divorced or plain crazy. These things are not infectious! However if you think her reasoning or some of her actions may negatively impact on your marriage you are allowed to pick your marriage over the friendship if you can’t control the situation (but please be certain so there are no regrets). Also remember the popular saying that show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are, so if bestie is a runz girl, it says a lot about you!

    Finally there’s the very important issue of our husbands’ friends…Did i hear a woman sigh? Almost every woman ever married has disliked at least one of her husband’s friends. Putting distance between a bad friend and your hubby is difficult but worth the trouble. Over the years, I succeeded in putting space between the friends I didn’t think he should be keeping, with a mix of positive reinforcements (for the friends I approved of), prayers, substitute activities (scheduled at the same time as whatever activity he was going to do with the funny friend) and a courteous but not encouraging (very formal) demeanor towards the friends I didn’t approve of (I’m sure they got the message- sorry, not sorry). I also chipped in wifely advice very occasionally about why keeping the right company was important but was very careful with words because of how sensitive the matter potentially was. 

    Why did I think it important? Most men are not built to be lone wolves, they run in packs and if the pack consists of adulterous men who drink too much, have little regard for God or their wives, engage in get rich quick schemes or constantly keep late nights then MBA (NO!), they have got to go. Hubby thankfully had no serious ties to any of those friends so letting them go didn’t affect his joy. I also made sure I introduced hubby to the husbands of my close friends to see if there would be a spark (many times there wasn’t) but thankfully hubby is close friends with the husband of one of my close friends and we (my friend and I) are both ecstatic about it #couplefriendshipgoals. And of course, I didn’t mess with hubby’s university friends because he had told me they were his ride or die friends and since he became the great guy I met and married with the influence of these guys then I had no qualms with them sticking around. Instead, I developed friendships with the wives of these friends so that shared vacations and hangouts wouldn’t be awkward! 

    In a nutshell, friends can complicate your marriage, they can also make it stronger by offering solid counsel, immeasurable support and unwavering encouragement but it all boils down to who you let into your life. Friends matter, dont take this lightly. Choose wisely!

    Have a beautiful day chutzpah fam,

    Xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 19, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (5)

    Hope it isn’t raining where you are, the rainmakers are having a ball here and it’s so cold…anyway before my fingers get stiff here’s the 5th personal lesson I learned from being in the marriage business for the last 5 years!

    5. Have a united front in public

    You and your partner have to agree early in the union that there will be no public drama and no fighting with an audience. It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or pretend, it just means you respect your partner and your marriage enough to keep your issues private. Wounds hurt so much more and run so much deeper when there are witnesses. It’s like having someone observe you at your lowest moments increases the pain and bruising that your pride must seemingly endure. Many people react much more dramatically to issues when other people are watching than they would have if they were in the privacy of their own bedroom plus people never ever forget fights and careless words uttered between partners in public. The very next time you happen to be singing his praises they would happily open up the history books and tell you all his weaknesses as compared to his apparently limited strengths. It’s also harder to take words back when uttered in public even if you immediately realise you are wrong. 

    I’m a bit self conscious and arguing with le boo in public was always one of the things I swore I’d never do but there’s a great spectrum of public don’ts that encompass ‘drama’. Hubby is generally a very free person but he learned early enough that correcting me in public or worse still, chastising me would get a negative reaction that might lead to a row later on. He didn’t mind adapting because once or twice he’d been on the receiving end and he had absolutely hated it so we made a truce to either correct each other in a manner or place where there would be no third party involvements or just wait till we got home. There were also other ‘no drama’ rules like no arguing in front of family or friends, no posting ‘shades’ or outbursts on any form of social media, no obvious ‘attitudes’ when in public following a fight, no snapping at the other person  or any other acts of unkindness and definitely no leaving the other person hanging for whatever reason in public. The rules weren’t written or spelt out but they were discussed and internalized usually after an episode and we both learned that treating each other well in public was just as important as treating each other well in private and that more importantly we did not need third parties in our conflict resolution whether the third parties were casual observers or played a more active role. We also realized that we did not need people forming negative impressions about us or how we handled our business especially since it wasn’t any of their concern.

    Many times people are watching for signs of turbulence in your marriage to determine if you have a good marriage or not or if they can take advantage of a certain aspect of your marriage or even infiltrate it (in the case of infidelity). Having a strong, united front is so important. Knowing your partner has your back no matter what can bring so much joy and confidence to a marriage but for many couples this doesn’t come naturally and it’s something that needs to be discussed and certain boundaries put in place so that the other person doesn’t unknowingly cross those boundaries and hurt you badly. When I was in the University I noticed that my friends who had public breakups found it hard to go back to their boyfriends after a private reconciliation simply because the whole world now had an opinion about the breakup. Likewise, celebrities that have made their marital issues public have realised that it’s virtually impossible to move past it or celebrate their spouses later on. Your marriage is your personal life, nobody needs to know the intimate details. Be like a duck, look calm on the surface but paddle like mad underneath the water. 

    Don’t let someone be able to describe the supposed ills or weaknesses in your marriage simply by catching you and hubby at a bad time or witnessing some supposed-to-be behind the scenes footage. Protect your marriage like it was a classified document. I learned that early enough and many people wonder why hubby and I are always cool, calm and collected. It’s called having a united front. We still have our squabbles and issues but we have realised that it’s way easier to move past them when we are not performing for an audience. 

    So in a nutshell, keep your marriage drama away from prying eyes!


    Have a lovely day, Chutzpah fam, 

    Xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 17, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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    10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (4)

    I have received a lot of feedback from readers about my last three posts and I am glad that my experiences are not isolated and that more importantly I have been able to give some insight to those currently walking or about to walk in the marriage shoes…thank you!

    Here is the 4th and perhaps the most important thing I learned about marriage:

    4. Every marriage has its own peculiar challenges.

    Your challenges may seem like the absolute worst but be rest assured that every marriage has its own peculiar challenges and even when two cases seem similar, the contributing factor would be very unalike. 

    I have been married for five years and I’m yet to have a child. Is this the worst thing that can happen to a marriage? Maybe and maybe not. I have shed tears, been angry, disappointed, prayed and fasted and done all manner of tests and my medical colleagues keep saying the same thing, that there’s nothing apparently wrong with my hubby and I. Sometimes I think the challenge is more difficult because everyone seems to have something to say about it. I have had people ask me why my hubby and I can still be so happy when we don’t have children, I have had someone close to me call me up recommending a guy who helps with blocked tubes, thereby assuming that I have blocked tubes without asking me for the details of my problem and of course automatically inferring that the problem lies with me. I have had people disrespect me because I don’t have children or say flippant, hurtful and very insensitive things to me. I have had people say to my face that I’m a great wife only because I need to compensate for my inability to have children or that hubby and I only have a great marriage because it’s just the two of us. I have had someone who used to be close to me jokingly talk about calling a family meeting  to discuss my problem. I have had someone ask my husband if he became less outgoing because of this problem. Yes I never in my wildest dreams thought we’d go through this but that’s life and I know countless people who have gone through similar ordeals and many have come out victorious. My mantra is what doesn’t break you makes you stronger and I am determined not to be broken.

    The thing about problems in marriage is that even when you have a similar problem with another couple, the fine details may be so very different. I have been blessed with a great husband and very supportive friends, family and in-laws (God bless them) who offer strength on days that I feel really low but I know others that have been less fortunate in that area however they have had victories in other areas. I know marriages that have broken up because of lack of children and yet I also know marriages that have become stronger and more intimate because of that same problem. 

    As a couple, you decide whether a problem makes you stronger or tears you apart. 

    No one else has the power to determine how a problem will affect your marriage and the first thing I learned about dealing with my challenges was how to curb outside influences. There are so many couples whose marriages have been complicated by the advice and influence of a third party even when it seemingly came from a good place. 

    Every couple I’ve interacted with has had their own challenges however subtle or obvious they may be. People tend to feel sorry for couples with obvious problems but I’ve learned in five years that the couples with subtle problems who seemingly appear perfect because of the covert nature of their problems are the ones who many times end up permanently fractured by their issues. In medicine, we take triaging very seriously because we have learned over the years that the patient with an obvious problem may not be as serious a casualty as a patient who seems apparently fine. Everyone loves to highlight the problems of others because it seems to diminish their own problems but if you find yourself so preoccupied with another’s issues it may just be because you haven’t been honest with yourself about yours and hence have left it to fester like an open sore concealed in your undergarments. 

    Some couples deal with infidelity, others with financial difficulties, others with in-law issues, others with medical issues, others with disharmony…the list is endless and each couple erroneously believes some other couple has it easier. I have learned that God will never give you more than you can handle, you just need to look within you and find inner strength and you should never ever wish for another’s problems in exchange for yours or assume that a couple has no problems. I guess that’s why they say marriage is not a bed of roses. Don’t ever assume that a couple is facing a problem because of some unknown sin or because they deserved it or get angry because they are not handling the problem the way you would because you DO NOT know the whole story just snippets. You cannot offer solution when you are not privy to the full picture. Pray for them, offer assistance if it’s in your power, offer empathy and encouragement but limit advice unless you are an authority in that area because no one knows more about a problem than the person experiencing it. 

    In a nutshell, I learned that on the day you say ‘I do’, a new chapter is written with its own highs and lows and unexpected curve balls. Pray for grace to go through these challenges together and believe that ultimately this too shall pass…

    Have a lovely Sunday chutzpah fam,

    Xoxo

     
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    Posted by on July 16, 2017 in Inspirational

     

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