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10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me

Time flies…

I’m just gonna start with that.

I have been married for 5 years (officially 5 in 2 months) and I have seen and heard a lot about marriage but nothing beats personal experience and I hope mine are as weird and stimulating as yours!

Here goes…

1. You need to take control of your body.

I put on so much weight in the first few years of marriage because I felt loved, accepted and content plus I had to cook more regularly than I had ever done in my life and my mother in law had emphasized the importance of a shared meal plus I had a man who totally accepted me the way I was and even when he occasionally mentioned my increasing girth I was sure it was from a place of love…

Sound familiar? 

When I decided to take control of my weight which actually came after I had gone 2 dress sizes up, the look of relief on my husband’s face coupled with renewed admiration took me by surprise. Apparently he was being a good husband and ‘loving me through thick and thin’ all along but he definitely preferred thin (pun intended). He wouldn’t have loved me any less if I weighed any more but I realized that if it was within my power and realistic enough (and it was), he deserved the woman of his fantasies…

Getting back in shape made me less paranoid, more confident and generally more content but if the truth be told, the change had to come from me- not his nagging or complaining or comparing…in fact those would  have only made me crave comfort food and also not his seeming indifference…which I erroneously took to mean acceptance and permission to over indulge… 

Even if your husband desires a thick madam, please be a healthy one and not one who becomes a 2 minute woman in the bedroom (yes such things exist! If you can only manage missionary and side-to-side I’m talking to you). Build your stamina and strength even while you rock those fine curves and please dress for your body type! I know women who are size 24, whose beauty, poise, confidence and dress sense would make any size 6 girl very uncomfortable and any man drool. No one says you can’t slay and pepper them (within reason) as a married woman. 

A wise woman once mentioned that if no one is ogling you outside the home, if you don’t get at least one compliment on a regular praising your husband for taking very good care of you (even if it’s all you lol) then you are doing something wrong. You don’t cease to exist because you got married, marriage shouldn’t make you less attractive, only unattainable and inaccessible! So if the average man outside doesn’t think you are attractive then hubby may be secretly struggling. Abraham had to lie that his middle aged/geriatric wife was his sister to prevent getting killed. Sarah was the ultimate slay mama! And it’s not just abinibi, it’s ability too. They say black don’t crack but anything not well taken care of can crack #Enoughsaid

…Five years of marriage taught me to be the best version of myself FOR ME even if le boo seemed content with the current version. Every man loves an upgrade! 

Didn’t plan for this to be so long so I’m just gonna drop this here and post about the second point tomorrow. 
Have a great day chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2017 in Inspirational

 

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Ten Reasons He won’t marry you part 2.

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It’s a few days to the new year and Lord knows getting a man tops your to do list for 2014. You have done all it takes or at least been sorely tempted to, READ  HERE if you doubt that. But the truth is that just when you think he is gonna be the one, he does something wacko and while you are still wrapping your head around whether he deserves your forgiveness or not you get the memo that he is walking down the aisle with some young woman he just met! Why is it hard to find a good man? Why do the men misbehave so badly and then suddenly hang up their boots and pledge undying love and fidelity to a new woman who hasn’t worked half as hard as you have or put up with half as much sh*t as you have? Why is life totally unfair? Does it even pay to work hard at changing a man when he is gonna just run away and be the better man with some undeserving female? My friend Dee gritted her teeth when she read part 1 of the ten reasons he wouldn’t marry her and she and the other women I spoke to had lots to say.

In their opinion, these are the TEN reasons why men do not give you an engagement ring when they know how much you want and deserve one.

1. He doesn’t think you appreciate the huge favor he is doing by marrying you: A man is expected to hang up his boots, have a monogamous sex life, provide financially for the upkeep of a home and make decisions and to him it’s like the mother of all sacrifices. He forgets the wife has to cook, clean, keep a job, carry a baby and yet still look sexy, raise kids, keep a home, nurture him…heck the list is endless and as far as Dee is concerned a man doesn’t marry you because for some reason you don’t realise what a huge favor he is doing you when he pops the question and he refuses to propose to a girl who doesn’t appreciate that or who isn’t worthy (doesn’t mean he won’t date her though).

2. He wants a younger babe: F believes that the longer you date a man the less likely he is to pop the question. Growing old with him in a relationship is not the same as growing old together in a marriage. In a relationship the babe gets stale after a while and soon the dude thinks it is his right to have a sexy, young woman at his side after all *cough cough he is a young man! Soon he spots a college hottie and you are history!

3. See finish: R is convinced that her man had ‘seen her finish’ which is why he didn’t marry her. See finish means he has seen all there is to see about you. He knows you so well that he can predict your every move and write epistles on your flaws both real and imagined. For a woman, see finish makes you feel comfy like you really are a couple but for a man, it spells only one word ‘BORING’ and soon he is blowing your faults out of proportion and gone in a flash into the arms of the mystery lady he met at the bar!

4. He was just killing time with you: J laments about how her boyfriend of four years had convinced her when they just started dating that the differences in tribe and religion didn’t matter. Now that the relationship has gotten to the marriage stage, he is using those things which supposedly didn’t matter as reasons why they shouldn’t get married. As far as she is concerned, men will say anything to get into your pants and stay there till the next bus arrives!

5. He wants a virgin: Ridiculous as it sounds V couldn’t help cussing out her recent ex who had left her with PID and the trauma of two abortions and gone to marry a good little girl from his home town. His excuse was that he needed a woman who could bear children since he was his mother’s only child and he wasn’t sure that after the abortions (which by the way, she had for him) she would be able to!

6. He wants a trophy wife: Q is a baby mama and a high school drop out and she wouldn’t have felt so bad if all her man did was get her pregnant which of course made her drop out of school but he had the nerve after all she had done for him to marry a girl with a fancy job and many degrees when he was the reason she hadn’t done much with her life. She knew the reason lover boy didn’t put a ring on it was because she didn’t fit into his high profile life.

7. He doesn’t like your appearance: Your slightly overweight bod kept him warm at night and he kept telling peeps how much he loved the meat on you but now that you are talking marriage you are too fat. He feels child birth will worsen it and now he has a long list of things you need to change before marriage which may include liposuction, plastic surgery and skin bleaching!

8. He doesn’t wanna get married period: O cried her eyes out when her perfect boyfriend walked away when she gave him the marriage ultimatum but a year later she met a quiet guy who worked in the building across her office and two years later she was married. Her first child is 13 now and her ex is still single. He has had countless girlfriends but they leave when they realise he ain’t ever gonna go the whole 9 yards.

9. He hasn’t made money yet: S thought her man was ready, he had a good apartment, a well paying job and some money in the bank and it shocked the hell out of her when he told her point blank that till he had his first million in the bank and a house of his own, he couldn’t even consider marriage and if she was gonna face facts, that wouldn’t happen in the next five to ten years. She didn’t wanna be a forty year old girlfriend!

10. He didn’t get a vision from God that you were the one: God to him may be the voice in his head or his mama or pastor’s voice but N thought she would scream her head off when her boyfriend said he prayed about marrying her and didn’t get a conviction. He didn’t need a conviction when he dated her for two years. He didn’t need a conviction when he got her pregnant. She didn’t believe for one minute that God approved of her boyfriend blaming Him for his inability to man up but all that didn’t matter as she kissed the thought of him getting down on one knee goodbye.

So there you have it, ten reasons he won’t marry you- The woman’s version.

God knows the end from the beginning and even when it hurts like hell and you don’t know why it is happening to you, believe that He makes all things beautiful in His time and that He has a beautiful plan for your life. It can only get better…

Compliments of the season chutzpah fam,
♥♥♥

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2013 in Relationships

 

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A plus not a minus…

I’m so angry I could break something. So effing frustrated I could just yell! Why won’t the pounds roll off, why won’t the weight get wasted? I turn away from the mirror in disgust. Eyes can barely take in the folds and the flab. Why can’t I be skinny like those b*****s on the street? They look at me and they think there’s a girl that loves her food! I shake my head in despair. I have been on an effing diet for 3 weeks now. Eating scraps, hunger torments me as I sit each meal out. Afraid to put even the ‘littlest’ morsel in my mouth. How can I be barely surviving and yet still adding weight? What sort of anomaly has befallen me?

No one understands. They tell me ‘I need to lose weight’. They tell me ‘You should go on a diet’ and team BBW psyche me the most; ‘You look absolutely stunning’, ‘Don’t lose any weight’, ‘Anyone who doesn’t like you like this is blind’. But I’ve lived a life of diets. Made so many sacrifices but all for what? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Or am I destined to go up a dress size every time I visit the mall? Tears of frustration fill my eyes. I remember their response to my last outburst…’All you need is exercise’. Does anyone even understand?

I pause and I ask myself, why is it so difficult to accept that He who made them slim, also made them fat. That the world would be boring if everybody was the perfect size and looked perfect. Then perfection would become common and an oddity would become a rare beauty (Oh I wish…). So back to me. Why do I strive so hard to be slim? Why do I endure this ceaseless comparisons with other women? I know they have their flaws too but I don’t wanna be part of the statistics. I don’t wanna be the fat girl, I don’t wanna be mistaken for an older woman. I don’t want other women to think I’m not a force to be reckoned with. But is it all in my head? Do I continue to strive for perfection or do I accept that this is who I am? A plus sized woman?

I am not who the world thinks or says I am, I am not what I think I am or what I hope to be. I am who God says I am, created in His likeness. He saw me and called me good. I am an epitome of beauty, a masterpiece, specially hand-crafted. A limited edition. I can never be you and you can never be me. Don’t judge me by the rolls of fat because I am much more than carbon, water and hydrogen atoms. Don’t size me up when I walk pass other women cos you don’t know me. You don’t know my struggles. You don’t know where I’ve been and best of all you don’t know where God is taking me to!

So I may be plus sized but it’s a plus and not a minus. It means that in addition to being a one of a kind woman, I’m loaded with extra heart, extra humour, extra warmth, extra brains and extra sympathy (I got more pluses than a straight A kid)! Come to me and my large arms and ample bosom will provide solace as I soothe your pain. I know how it feels to be judged, rejected and to fall short of expectations but I’m not gonna stay down and I’m telling you the same. It’s not over till it’s over. Nobody said it’d be easy. We all get to the finish line one day but it’s how you run the race that counts. So don’t give up. No matter what’s getting you down, refuse to be put down. You can shake it off and I promise you that YOU WILL LAUGH AGAIN!

Barka de Sallah peeps,
xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Inspirational

 

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