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The Perfect Picture of Love…

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When I was 12 years old my perfect picture of love was a tall, dark and handsome stranger saving me from my boring life and whisking me away in his strong arms on his trusty steed (Blame the tons of novels I read).
As a teenager my views changed only slightly. The stranger had to love me ‘forever’ and be as romantic as possible (think candle light dinners and poetry). By the time I turned 20, reality set in and I set aside the quest for the perfect picture of love and instead embraced the picture perfect love that everyone seemed to be so involved with.

Picture perfect love was all I saw, women and men who were obsessed with showing the world how perfect their relationships were; public displays of affection, mushy pictures plastered all over the Internet, loud and expensive gestures of love…
I wanted it so bad!

It seemed that any love without these attributes wasn’t love at all. I would visit my favorite websites and spend long minutes looking at pictures of couples that seemed so in love that they left you longing for love. Nobody told me about what happened behind closed doors; the fights, the abuse, the infidelity, the blatant disrespect. I imagined the couples permanently stuck in love’s tightest embrace behind closed doors, giving each other earfuls of sweet nothings. Relationships which weren’t picture perfect lost all appeal to me and many good men were sacrificed on the altar of love, their only crime being their lack of ‘romance’. 

After a couple of heartbreaks and some shocking revelations from friends who had picture perfect love, I reached into the recesses of my mind and found the little place I had saved the longing for the perfect picture of love. I wanted love like the kind depicted in the Notebook, the Bible, Titanic and Romeo and Juliet. I didn’t want to have to die (Naija girls don’t die for love), I just wanted the sort of love that was worth dying for. I searched and researched and prayed and experimented and one day I got the formula for my perfect description of love-1 Corinthians 13 vs 4-13.        

   
     

No matter what love scenarios I am presented with (be it real life or at the movies), they can all be put into one or all of the boxes presented in this chapter. My perfect picture of love is not perfect at all.  For love and perfection seem to be at tangents- after all the very humans that define this love are imperfect creatures. I can’t guarantee that the perfect picture of love will not make you cry; for love is about sacrifice and patience. I cannot guarantee that the perfect picture of love will not grate on your very last nerve; for love is about endurance and forgiveness but I will tell you that love is greater than hope and greater than faith and it never fails.

I was supposed to write about my perfect picture of love, well I am living it each and every day with my imperfect husband who loves me the very best way he knows how to. Every individual has a different love story to tell with it’s very own upsides and downsides and if that love is true, if it stands the wind and the fire and the rain and the roses and the calm then I raise a glass to toast that love for it is the perfect picture of love…

Shay asked me to write this so of course I am dedicating it to her! You rock babe! You can read it and some of her amazing posts here!

Have a lovely evening Chutzpah fam!
February is the month of love so more mushiness awaits, hehehe!

Xxx

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2014 in Relationships

 

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14 REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE

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Hey ladies, Valentine’s day fast approaches and for many women the countdown is one of dread. Are you wondering why on earth you are still single? Why you never seem to meet ‘correct bobos’ just losers and baggage carriers? Are you wondering why men keep failing to notice all the fabulousity that you are made of or why after all the oohs and aahs about how wonderful you are, they don’t take a step further to make you theirs?

Here are 14 reasons why you are still single…
1. You are fishing in the wrong waters: There are men everywhere, forget what the National Census says. One of the reasons you are still single could be because of the location of your market. Your selling point could be overshadowed by other shinier competition. Every wise fisherwoman knows you won’t catch anything in the wrong waters. This is akin to being on a man-hunt at a gay bar or a marriage retreat. Location is essential. Every woman has her selling point, that one feature or attribute that draws the men to you. It could be your smile or quick wit or intelligence but most men will not notice intelligence in a room full of long-legged, curvaceous women or a smile at a nightclub. Places with too many women become informal beauty contests with the few available men acting as judges. So carve your niche and own your space! 😉

2. You are trying too hard: Fake personality, fake accent, plastic surgery kinda make-up, fake mannerisms and airs, fake laughter, feigning interest, appearing too eager, the list is endless. There’s nothing wrong with looking good and being pleasant but there’s a thin line that separates a plastic babe from a beautiful woman and men take that line very seriously. Most men fear being deceived by a woman. One of my friends ‘S’ actually admitted that one of the pitfalls of picking up a woman at night was that she always turned out hideous in the morning when the makeup and darkness were gone (when the alcohol had worn off is what he meant 😉 ). Contrary to what women think, the average man knows when you are trying too hard and it spells ‘fake’, ‘poor self-esteem’ and ‘easy lay’. A calm woman is usually the one perceived to be confident and interesting.

3. You are stuck on the obvious: 1) What do you want in a man? Your answer is the same as millions of other girls. 2) What is the first thing you notice about a man? Your answer is the same as every other girl on the street. Your problem begins here. If you are too stuck on the obvious; his looks, his money, his laugh, his dressing, his swag etc., you will miss the man who was having an off day, the not so good looking prince charming, the eccentric billionaire and what have you. Many women argue that there are no good guys but when a good guy comes along they can’t don’t see him if he doesn’t fit their brain’s perception of eligible, hence they fail to recognize his existence. Sometimes your prince charming could be a jewel in the rough, all you need to do is get glasses look a little closer.

4. You are rolling with the wrong crowd: Are your friends all single? Get some married ones. There’s something about hanging out with married women that changes your perspective. So many single women have a whole armory of “I can never date…” or “I can never marry…” or “I can never do…” one thing or the other and their friends share the same views but sometimes rolling with someone different can positively change your mindset. I had a friend who would always say “I can never date a man shorter than me, much less marry him”. She did meet tall guys but they were all jerks (strangely enough) and one day she started hanging out with a girl who was married to a shorter dude and she realised how mundane height was where happiness was concerned. Look at your friends circumspectly, if you all think and reason alike and are all single, you should consider some outside influence.

5. You are a woman’s woman: All your female friend think your fashion sense , style, looks and sex appeal are on point but what do the men think? Try watching manswers on Sony max and you would be amazed how differently men are wired. If you feel you are doing everything right and yet still not bagging a man, try taking man advice from a man. Men have opinions about everything (SURPRISE!), from the way you wear your hair to the way you react to a situation…Men are from mars and women are from Venus, the best way to capture a man is to ask a Martian! 😉

6. You come on too strong: Yeah this is the age of female gender equality, women’s liberation etc but men are still in whatever age they were conceived in, and a woman who comes on too strongly freaks them out. You may think you are being confident, no-nonsense and assertive but all he sees is controlling, crazy and trouble. So take it easy babes, even if you know he likes you but he’s acting irritatingly slow for words calm down and read an encyclopedia while he gets his act together. Sometimes even a little unwanted encouragement can be seen as coming on too strongly.

7. You conclude too quickly: He says he isn’t ready for a relationship so you shut him out completely without a backward glance. Whatever reasons he gives you, as long as he isn’t saying what you want to hear, you shut him out sharply, sometimes without the minimal politeness required from a lady. You just may be shooting yourself in the foot. A lot of men find it hard to makeup their minds right away, other feel the need to ‘test’ you by playing mind games or thrusting you into ridiculous situations and others just need you to give them a reason to stay. If you felt right about him deep down but he is dragging his feet or saying contrary words, don’t slam the door, put him in the friend zone. Yeah that could be the hardest thing you have ever done but being nice and caring towards him even when your heart feels he should be kicked in the butt, could actually be the game changer. Don’t conclude too quickly! (Contraindicated in certain scenarios, use wisdom).

8. You are putting your worst foot forward: “I just show him my worst side immediately so that if he can’t take it, he won’t hang around wasting my time” “I can’t be fronting for any man, what he sees is what he gets, it’s called honesty.” Yes, honesty without tact! Your friends love the good and the bad things about you right? WRONG! Your friends are loyal to you and love you because they got to see and appreciate the good in you before it dawned on them that you weren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect and putting your worst foot forward is like deliberately serving your guests burnt food so that they know you aren’t a perfect cook. The thing is, this isn’t necessary because if the guests hang around long enough they are bound to taste both the good and the bad. Ditch the defense mechanism!

9. You are acting out a script: Who really are you? Some of you have actually forgotten who you are. The real you is buried beneath a pile of peer pressure, societal expectations, disappointments, facades, defense mechanisms, walls and anti-rejection strategies. Your need to fit in and be accepted has turned you into a poor copy of who you really are and when men look at you and your well rehearsed script, they see a lost woman who is hungry for love but cannot love another because she has not learnt to love herself. You are beautiful just the way you are…

10. You are exuding negative energy: Men cringe when surrounded by negativity. Negativity to them is best friends with nagging, yelling, backbiting, aggression and emotional instability. Being pessimistic about the first date won’t get you a second. I heard of a girl who kept telling a guy who was really interested in her that she couldn’t date him because he would end up hurting her. The guy finally got tired of trying to convince her and left her with her demons. Slay the Dragon of negativity in your life. No baby is born a pessimist!

11. You are stuck on your ex: You compare every man to your ex and they fall short. Girl you had better use that brain the Lord gave you to hatch up a plan to get your ex back or better still, move on! It’s no one’s fault you are single, you are the one still in a relationship with your past! Only single girls get hooked…

12. You are stuck on your dream man: Hollywood, Disney, Harlequin romance and Mills and Boons should be blamed for this tragedy. Babe you are not single, you are in a fantasy relationship. “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…I know you the gleam in your eyes is such a familiar gleam…” Wake up girl, life is passing you by. Men are human beings like you and I and being human is a contraindication to perfection, no man will ever fully measure up to your dream man!

13. You are stuck on your father: Little girls and their daddies, what a perfect picture that paints in the mind. Well you are a grown ass woman and unless you plan to have your mum assassinated and then somehow force daddy to marry you, you had better wake up to reality. Men describe women in this group as having daddy issues. Daddy may have loved her too much or maybe not enough and yes most men won’t treat you as good as daddy treats you (neither would you treat them as good as their mums treat them- more often than not!) but that is besides the point. Would you have married daddy back in the days when he was broke and skinny and not the most attractive man on the block? Would you still want daddy if mummy told you about her secret pains, the hidden tears and the hushed arguments? Trust me, daddy would want you to be with a better man than he was and if you don’t take your eyes off daddy, you won’t see all the wonderful men around you.

14. You aren’t trying hard enough: It could be where men are concerned; one bad breakup, one bad date, one bad encounter and now you have put all men in a box and dumped that box in the attic. Or maybe it’s with your appearance; men are visual creatures. Or maybe your character needs a serious overhaul. Whatever it is if you aren’t putting in any effort, don’t blame cupid when you are sitting all by yourself ‘Bridget Jones’s style’ on Valentine’s day!

Sometimes waiting for the right man to come around might be really hard, especially with friends getting married every weekend and family giving you all sorts of pressure but I urge you to spend the waiting time, pursuing your dreams and doing fabulous things with your life. Good things come to those who wait and one day when you least expect it, he will waltz into your life and never leave your side.

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2014 in Manology, Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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Is love enough?

A not so recent poll showed that the average person is willing to sacrifice 6 months’ salary to find true love!
To some, this may be regarded as a bad business investment, not with the divorce rate sky rocketing and broken love being as common as a 20 naira note. Nowadays people wonder if this thing called love is worth sticking their necks out for.

What is love anyway? According to my friend D, if it isn’t ‘agape’ love (the kind taught in the bible; meaning you could be Jack in the titanic for that person), then all na wash! Cos according to him, if it ain’t that kinda love, then it’s just prada-coated lust! I was watching Tinsel last night and was so mad at Soji for going to jail for a crime he didn’t commit because of his love for some chick who’d cheated and dumped him times without number. Some weeks back, I had been itching to slap someone as Fred Ade-Williams’ wife allowed her husband’s ex into their home because he had amnesia and his only memories were not of her but of a former love. I didn’t pity her one bit when she found out they had started sleeping together! Obviously, I could never be Jack in the Titanic!

My African sensibilities forbid that I love blindly but is that enough to say all I’ve ever felt has been infatuation and lust? Is that enough to say I am incapable of knowing what true love is? Abeggy joor, course not! I have loved; Deeply, truly and sacrificially, I have had my heart broken and had it mended again. Yes this thing called love is more potent than we can imagine. But is love enough?

After things with boyfriend number two went awry because of religious differences, I learnt an important lesson. Love is like salt in soup. Without salt, the soup is tasteless, boring, almost inedible (almost I said) but yet who can eat salt alone? So again I ask, ‘Is love enough?’
Today all over the world sincere and not so sincere people proclaimed undying love for 24 hours to that special person. But was the love proclaimed enough to keep them together till next year’s valentine’s day or even till the end of the week? For many the answer is No!

If anyone claims to understand this thing called love, then the person claims to be the wisest of all. Love is damn hard to figure. Worse than a jigsaw puzzle because sometimes the pieces just don’t fit right. Love defies logic, it baffles common sense. As if that’s not enough trouble, it springs up in the most unlikely places and loves to evade those who earnestly seek it. Love… The beginning and end of wahala. It’s such a beautiful emotion yet people have acted foolishly and sometimes even committed hurtful, heinous crimes all in the name of love. But powerful as it is, is love enough?

Can love keep a couple together during a storm? Can love replace the emptiness of a bank account? Can love take away the pain of death? Can love mend a heart betrayed by infidelity? Or more cliché, can love put food on the table? Love can do a whole lot of things but there are some things it cannot do… Love cannot take the place of friendship, honesty, maturity, trust and fidelity between two people. Love heals but love destroys.

As we enjoy the spirit of the moment, let’s pause and evaluate this thing called love. It’s worthy of celebration but one must remember that it cannot stand alone. Fortifying it takes more effort than the acceptance of jobless butterflies floating around in your unsuspecting tummy! Like a rose garden love should be tenderly pruned and watered and planted in a soil rich with honesty and fertile with trust for it to blossom. It doesn’t matter if the soil be clay, humus or sandy for we were all made differently and have different priorities. Don’t wait till next year to check on your garden, it needs attention everyday…

“Love is sustained by action, it is a pattern of devotion in things we do for each other everyday…” (Nicholas Sparks)

Happy Valentine’s day Chutzpah fam!
xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Hall of Fame, Relationships

 

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