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7 Ways to Survive an Abusive Relationship!

7 Ways to Survive an Abusive Relationship!

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Many women are in abusive relationships behind closed doors and suffer in silence because they are afraid or have too much to lose if they walk away. If you are one of these women then this is for you. I know sometimes a man may threaten to take your kids or kill you if you leave him. You may even be stuck in the mud because you care too deeply about him to leave or care too much about the financial security or social standing that comes with being this person’s partner but self-preservation is key and many times abuse has escalated to manslaughter with the woman being the victim. Even if he doesn’t kill you, what happens to your self-respect, your peace of mind and your health? The scars he leaves are not always concealed with some makeup and clothing, many of them are emotional and linger far longer than the painful memories which you hasten to erase. I know, you know the best thing to do is leave him, to run away as fast as you can and never look back but sometimes it’s not as easy as it looks and I can understand that. Sometimes there’s no escape and I get that. But all hope is not lost. Here are 7 things that will help you survive an abusive relationship and I do hope at least one of them is able to give you hope and more importantly a plan!

1. Financial Freedom: In my line of work, I have met dozens of abused women and it’s sad that most of these women were old timers. It wasn’t their first time in a hospital but when I asked why they still stayed, they’d hang their heads and say they had no means of taking care of themselves or their kids if they left. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to plan an escape and realistically we know you ain’t going anywhere if you don’t have any money so how do you get some if you are a housewife with no sustenable income? 3 things:
– Save
– Sell
– Borrow
Save a little of any money that enters your hand. Cut down the grocery shopping or any shopping you do. Even if you save a little at a time, as the little pile increases so will your hope for freedom and if there is nothing to save cos some men give no allowances for you to hide some money away then sell something valuable that you possess. The opportunity cost isn’t hard to deduce after all your grand mother’s necklace is of no use to you if you are dead! And if you have nothing of value, find someone who can give you a loan or just spare some cash. You never know how helpful people can be till you ask.

2. Admit & Confide: This is perhaps one of the hardest things to do but you need to admit to yourself that you deserve better than this and actually see your relationship for what it really is. You need to stop feeling sorry for your man (he isn’t the one getting pulverised is he?) or defending his actions and most of all you need to work up the nerve to confide in someone. It could be a member of the family, a good friend or colleague or just someone you trust and most importantly I’d suggest it was someone who could give some practical help and not just sympathize.

3. Fight Back: Men who abuse women are essentially cowards. You need to learn to fight back. You could learn boxing or karate which teach techniques that can help you overpower someone who is physically stronger than you or attend a self-defence class where you can learn about the sensitive points on a man’s body that have maximum impact when hit and if all else fails, a kick to the balls may stall him enough for you to escape his angry fists but I must warn you that there’s a thin line between subduing and aggravating him and if you choose to fight back your technique has to be good enough to scare the hell out of him or else he’ll come after you like an infuriated beast.

4. Dig up Dirt: Everybody has secrets, find one about him that compels him to behave. You could warn him that if he ever hits you again, you would expose his secret and makesure the evidence is somewhere beyond his reach and in the hands of someone who will make it public if she suddenly stops hearing from you (lest he murder you). Blackmail in any form is underhanded and not to be encouraged but this is a desperate situation and I am sure we can make an exception.

5. Gather Evidence: Most wife beaters keep a calm, cool exterior far removed from their actual personality and many times when news of his abuse becomes public, it’s easy for him to deny it or just blame the woman for pushing him too far which is why you need evidence. This is the era of smart phones and other electronic devices and if you can hide a cam to make a sex video surely you can hide one to make an abuse video. Women who have lived with abusive men will tell you that they know just when he is going to hit them or what would surely trigger the abuse so rather than cowering in fear waiting for your man to come home and beat you up because you bashed the car, set a video camera in place. Being forced to watch a video of him hitting you along with the rest of the world might just be the cure he needs (YouTube is your friend!)

6. The 3rd Party: Most men will not abuse a woman if there’s someone else present so it would be a good idea to invite your mother in law or a relation to stay with you. You could hint that you don’t want the person letting your husband know it was your idea but that you would really appreciate the company. It would also be a good idea to pick a respected relative or one from his side of the family.

7. Pray Until Something Happens (P.U.S.H): God does answer prayers and while you are at it, go for some counselling sessions. These are surprisingly helpful and some men might even agree to come along. The Bible says that a gentle answer turneth away wrath. Avoid getting into arguments anyway you can. Sometimes to see the change we desire, the change must begin with us.

I know many women would rather suffer in silence than leave their marriages and yes there are others who saw the signs before they got married but hoped he would change. If you do choose to stay, remember that your life, health and happiness are a priority. There is no shame in seeking refuge!

Have a great day Chutzpah fam!

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Posted by on October 30, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Break-up survival kit! #15 facts

Relationships are as unreliable as the human nature and sometimes people decide to go their separate ways. It could be a mutual decision but many times it’s one-sided, leaving the last man standing to pick up the pieces…

Here are 15 things you definitely need to know/do/allow sink-in, to help you survive that break-up and move on with minimal casualties;

1. Break-ups hurt like a car knocked you over. Sometimes you feel so numb like you couldn’t possible be breathing…However you feel, you must realise it is not the end of the world and you are going to get through it.

2. Even with all the ‘maggi’ in the world, you cannot make pepper-soup from chicken shit! Yes you were managing that relationship and tried to overlook your partners faults but if the relationship is history then it’s for a reason. Something better awaits…

3. The guy/chick you loved, took a good look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together and said ‘No thanks, I’ll try my luck elsewhere!’
It’s his/her loss…time will definitely tell…

4. Some people have perfected the act of passive break-ups where they don’t wanna hurt your feelings so they act in a way that would make you break-up with them. It’s under-handed and cowardly, do not beat yourself up for not ‘managing’. Your ex wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

5. Chocolate, ice-cream, comfort eating, excessive sleep, binge drinking and destructive behaviour don’t make you feel better. You’ll only end up more miserable cos your ex is gonna hear about or see how horrible you look and he/she would be feeling all fly and thankful that they didn’t stick around…

6. Calling, texting, pinging or mailing your ex after a break-up doesn’t say you just wanted to see if they were ok cos you are doing great and are a mature adult, it says you are lost without them and still need their approval!

7. Keeping tabs on your ex on facebook, twitter or in real life or drunk-dialling your ex will rob you of your self-respect. Let them wonder what you are up to. It doesn’t make you more mature and tryna see if they’ve moved on could drive you crazy also you’ll start seeing ‘subs’ in everything they write. Your heart is already broken, your ego is bruised, your pride is hurt, your tears are almost on reserve and you won’t see the effect of your stalking on your self-respect till your head clears a little, or you are embarrassed or restrained and you’ll feel so small for stooping so low for someone who wasn’t worth it.

8. Don’t keep talking about your ex. The more you bring up your ex in a conversation, the more you re-live the pain whether it is to bash him/her or reminisce and it doesn’t help you. Your friends and family go through a break-up with you and after a while, they’ll get sick of hearing his/her name or the story of your lost love.

9. Cursing/Revenge: Nigerians especially women, love to ‘swear for’ an ex. From biblical curses, to ‘African magic Yoruba’ curses to ancestral curses. Some even curse with their private parts, others are bizarre enough to do jazz for an ex, while a small number actually set their exes up and are even prepared to commit murder, arson or assault! We all wanna be Miss Karma and truly some exes can be so cruel and don’t deserve any happiness for breaking your heart but imagine if every one we’d ever hurt cursed us or punished us? The world would be full of a bunch of dysfunctional, wretched, unhappy, mad, maimed and unsuccessful people. If you think you have never hurt anyone, remember the ‘toaster’ or girl with a crush on you that you unkindly blew off, now imagine if they cursed you? You needn’t do anything extra, what goes around, comes around, that’s a certainty!

10. Have a support group; A list of people you can call or hangout with instead of your ex. (They shouldn’t be your ex’s friends!) As relationships evolve, lovers unwittingly chase away their friends and exist in their own little world but the good thing about friends is that they’ll forgive you and be there for you when you need them.

11. Don’t be available: Some people see exes as a very sure booty call or ‘maga’. Don’t fall prey! He/she calling you all of a sudden may just mean they need a favour not that they want you back! They may just feel guilty and want some self-validation, let them get it elsewhere. Even if you are bored out of your mind, you are unavailable!

12. Love is like salt in a pot of soup! Without salt the soup is tasteless but you cannot eat salt alone! Sometimes break-ups happen not for a lack of love so it may be hard staying away especially if you know your ex still cares and he/she was forced by circumstances to move on but don’t procrastinate your healing, he/she didn’t stay cos they felt it couldn’t be worked out, making them feel guilty or sending a touching letter/email or your aunty or his/her friends to reason with him/her would not make a difference. It makes you look pathetic and gives your ex an opportunity to reject you further and soon days would become months… Lingering only makes a bad situation worse…don’t prolong your agony!

13. Don’t promise to change who you are just to get your ex back! If you are patient, you’ll find someone who despite your flaws thinks you are to die for and will be ready to stick with you till the end. Be yourself! There are no perfect people…

14. Love is about how well NOT how long! Because you’ve been together for ten years doesn’t mean you are with the best person for you. Are you happy? Do you have inner peace? If you barely tolerate each other, scoff at romance and constantly infect hopefuls with your pessimism then you are not a wise, old couple, you are just a sad, dysfunctional couple too scared to be alone or find real happiness. If you’ve worked at your relationship without success and your partner decides to make a run for it, be thankful he/she saved you a divorce or unhappy marriage in the future!

15. Pseudo-breakups are dress rehearsals for the real one! Don’t break up if you don’t want it to be over. A break up is not a ‘warning’ or ‘shakara’. It is what it is! A couple that uses break-ups as a weapon instead of resolving conflict properly will not last long because one day either or both partners will decide they have had enough and take a bow…

The point is to get through a break-up, not prolong the pain and end up stuck in a rut. It’s an opportunity to do things you always wanted to do but your partner wouldn’t let you do. It’s an opportunity to upgrade. Get rid of anything in your life or personal image you wouldn’t wanna be seen with if you happened to bump into your ex. Focus on self-improvement. Look inwards and see if the problem lies with you. Are you dating the same type of awful people? Step out of the box and don’t rush yourself. Healing takes time. ‘Rebounds’ are like putting makeup on an unconscious patient! No matter how cute he/she is, the emptiness inside doesn’t go away and sometimes you hurt an innocent person by taking love when your heart is closed for repairs and unable to reciprocate. At the end, you become the very person you despise!

Exes don’t announce when they are gonna bump into you and sometimes your replacement may be in tow. Make sure you look gorgeous and well put together everyday and you’ll realize in the long run that you weren’t doing it for them, you were actually doing it for yourself, plus it increases your chances of meeting someone fantastic. Let your exes grudgingly have to admit you seem better off without them.

Remember what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…Dying of a broken heart is a myth!!!
Have a lovely night peeps and happy birthday to the sweetest mum in the whole world, love you loads…xoxoxo 🙂 😉 🙂

 
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Posted by on November 28, 2011 in Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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