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I was talking to my friend E who just got out of a relationship that lasted 11 years and amongst her fears was the fact that she was in her early twenties when she left the dating pool and now that she was back again in her thirties, the rules had changed. She now had to compete with younger women for attention while wrapping her head around the fact that Instagram and Snapchat had changed the game not to mention the added disadvantage that her dating skills were now rusty and outdated! 

Her story isn’t unusual. It doesn’t matter how many years you spent in the dating pool before you left or how good or sexy you were before you left. It also doesn’t matter whether you are coming from a broken relationship, marriage or a personal hiatus from dating, all that really matters at this point is that you are wondering if you can ever compete with the teeming number of sexy, 100 yards of wife material floating in the dating pool waiting to be caught by the very few good fishermen left!

Here are 10 ways to ease your passage back to singleville and the world of dating!

1. Forget everything you knew about dating before you got with your ex

Not that you even remember the specifics but trust me the OS you used to captivate your ex is now outdated and like sharks to blood the men in the dating pool in 2017 can smell fresh meat a mile away. 

2. Don’t go in with baggage

My friend P who is a confirmed ‘Igbo demon’ 😁 says that women with baggage are the easiest prey. If you still feel vulnerable then you’d be especially gullible and the next man who seems to care may steal your heart when all he wants is the cookie! Give yourself time to heal first. There’s no hurry.

3. Get your self confidence back 

Leaving a long term relationship comes with its own insecurities amidst the hurt. You may not feel or look your best, don’t patch things up and slap a huge band-aid over your injured self esteem just because you want to get back into the dating pool. Give it time. Once you are able to look at yourself in the mirror again and smile confidently, you are ready to date again. 

4. Don’t date because you are looking for a replacement 

If you are only looking for someone to fill the hole your ex left behind or someone to make your ex feel jealous then you don’t have closure yet. Now may not be the right time to date someone else because you risk hurting that person and yourself since you are obviously not ready.

5. Get on social media

There’s work to be done on social media. First you have to either sanitize your account by deleting all the pics of you and your ex or you get a new account altogether. Social media has become the proverbial bar to pick up guys and it’s supposed to be a reflection of your best self. Take some cute pictures and be social and soon enough some guy would slide into your DM.

6. Get a wingman

This is essential for surviving the dating pool! Get a female friend who is single and who is still actively dating and ride shot gun with her. Let her show you the ropes, the faux-pas, the types of guys to avoid and what to look out for in a man. Learn from her experiences and ask questions. You’d be surprised how rusty you are (don’t forget to take notes 😉).

7. Don’t be too eager

When you finally get a man interested, you may be very tempted to jump from ‘I like you’ to ‘let’s get married’ because you want to skip the unnecessary part and get back to your interrupted happily ever after (same story, different guy). This freaks guys the hell out. They don’t want a girl who is all over them or mothering them or making them husbands after the third date cos they interpret it as desperation and too much too soon makes you end up with yet another guy leaving you in the lurch. Take it slow, do some shakara and don’t act like he is saving you by being with you. 

8. Don’t jump to conclusions 

Don’t be too fast to stereotype your new man and toss him into a box labelled ‘men like your ex’ just because your heart isn’t ready to start trusting again. If you don’t understand his behaviour or motives seek clarification or ask a trusted third party for a second opinion. 

9. Don’t lose your individuality in the quest to reinvent yourself

The women dominating the dating pool mostly belong to a particular stereotype. Thick, Brazilian hair wearing, flawless light skin, make up on fleek and ready to twerk like a pro not to mention scoring major points in the kinky sex department! Truly it’s hard to compete and though you may be tempted to reinvent yourself to at least be able to compete with their perceived perfection, you need to not lose yourself in it because you want the man who eventually falls for you to fall for the real you and not the filters. To thine own self be true.

10. Don’t sit around waiting for your life to pick up

Get a job, start a business, join a gym, start a diet, get a life coach or do some traveling. A woman who is sitting around doing nothing after she leaves a relationship is wallowing in misery and allowing life to pass her by and the men see it as she not having any thing to bring to the table other than her pretty face and body. Men want more than that and nothing is as sexy as a woman who is in control of her life.

If you can’t date the version of you that you see in the mirror, no one else can!

Xoxo

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Posted by on January 3, 2017 in Relationships

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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10 things you need to do before you get married

This is the ultimate bucket list. Daring, fun, unforgettable! Your perfect prelude to kicking the singles bucket!!!

Marriage isn’t the end of all things fun- you spend more of your life married than you do single so why eliminate fun from the equation? But that being said, there are some things you probably shouldn’t do after you are married. They should be hidden in a box labeled fantastic memories for your peeking and reminiscing pleasure but of course that can’t happen if you left them in the secret fantasies box ay?
So here’s Chutzpah’s single bucket list:

1.  Go on a spontaneous adventure. The key words being spontaneity and adventure! A lot of us live well thought out and planned existences, we are where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there. While living an ordered existence may make life drama free and progressive, you need to one day look back on your life and chuckle about that one (or more) spontaneous adventure. Mine was during NYSC when two of my girlfriends and I decided to go to Idanre hills out of the blues. Read it here —> Mountain climbing

  1. Live alone: There is no feeling as sublime as living by your own rules, in your own filth and at your own pace without input from another person even if it’s only for a little while. If it’s not already on your bucket list please put it there. It’s the best emancipation you could ever have and you learn about being independent and your own person in ways you never dreamed of. I know most families traditionally want their daughter to marry from their house but there are ways around this. NYSC, masters (in another town or country), a cross-country job, an internship or a volunteer job just remember to move back home a couple of months before you say ‘I do’. There’s a certain mushiness and bond that pervades your family house when you are planning a wedding together plus the fights and unwarranted advice are priceless.

  2. Face at least one of your fears: One day you are gonna have a kid who might be afraid of something and you’d need to give him a talk on facing your fears but if all you’ve ever done is run from them then how brave would you expect your offspring to be? I grew up sheltered and not particularly brave, I was the goody two shoes who always played it safe but I have long since earned my ‘Chutzpah’ badge! From riding a bike without screaming for dear life—-> Okadas a one way trip to hell to conquering my phobia for driving- now drive interstate like a pro or allowing my friend Ame to convince me to go on those death-defying rides at the park! If you haven’t faced at least one fear you haven’t started living!

  3. Love your body- what’s the bucket list challenge here you may be wondering? Well if you have never worn a bikini at the pool or a bodycon dress without strapping yourself into a corset or spandex first then you can’t cross this off your list yet! No matter how many flaws you think you have now, you will look back in a couple of years and actually wish you had the body you have now. So rock it babe! Be proud of who you are. Statistics have shown that men are more attracted to confidence than to perfection. Don’t become that woman who can’t have a makeup free day or who is totally lost without a bum-pad, padded boobs and a waist cincher. Have some self-love bae, don’t be that wife who would only have sex with the lights off!!! No one can love you unless you love yourself. And if you feel gaining or losing a few pounds will do the trick, then do it now. There’s no time like the present.

  4. Fall in love, Hollywood style: You know the script, the one that makes you feel so good after watching the movie. The one that has the heroine fall for a man she thought was totally wrong for her or totally out of her league. He doesn’t have to be the one but nothing says I totally enjoyed the life of my head like having those kinda memories and I am talking the whole works here- butterflies, heady kisses, late night rendezvous, midnight calls, big fights and even better makeups. The guy who becomes your greatest love story. Every grandma has a story like that and her face lights up as she tells it and then softens when she says and then I met your grandpa… #epic

  5. Do your own thing—> achieve something just for you! Don’t let all your accomplishments in life be from the day you became Mrs Somebody! Before you get married, finish up your degree, achieve a career milestone or do something on that secret list you have. Something awesome that you can always feel good about…Before your father met me, I had started my own business…

  6. Travel somewhere with your girlfriends or sisters. Somewhere far, somewhere new and somewhere exciting. It could be a road trip or you could fly there but make sure you are seated together. The memories, the conversations, the adventure, the summer flings and the pictures will last a lifetime plus it’s not a guarantee that you’d have the opportunity to make such a trip after you get married.

  7. Treat yourself: Splurge on yourself without apology. So many people are cautious about their spending habits and never get to just buy that one unnecessary thing that would make their life perfect LOL. You need to indulge at least once before you get married because once you are married finances are a joint discussion and you might not have the chance to treat yourself without apology. Life is too short to never have thoroughly enjoyed yourself even for a minute without worrying about the bills or the deficit the expense will create.

  8. Tell that one truth: Do not get married if you never got the chance to tell your crush or your ‘best friend’ how you really feel about him. Don’t get married with baggage. Set yourself free. Tell that one truth, that truth you swore you’d be buried with because it was too embarrassing to share. You’d be surprised at the outcome and even if your crush doesn’t admit to have secretly been loving you back all this time at least you can proudly strike it off your bucket list and laugh about it later.

  9. Get to know yourself—> do not wait for marriage to define you or to be your sole identity. It irks me when I see married women who would literally cease to exist if they stopped being Mrs Somebody. That shouldn’t be. You were a person before you met your husband and became his wife and mother of his children! Get to know yourself. Go on a self-discovery trip if you must. Know what you like and what you don’t like, what you can compromise on and what you absolutely can’t, what your strengths are and where your limits lie. Know your personality type, your temperament and your weaknesses! You can absolutely not get married till you know exactly who you are and creating
    opportunities of self discovery is entirely up to you and your awesome bucket list!

So ladies instead of sitting around waiting for Mr Right to sweep you off your feet, spend the time slaying this single bucket list. Get yourself some CHUTZPAH! And you’ll be surprised and astounded by the
new, more confident you. Self-love is key baybay!

Mwaaaah!

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2015 in Inspirational

 

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14 REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE

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Hey ladies, Valentine’s day fast approaches and for many women the countdown is one of dread. Are you wondering why on earth you are still single? Why you never seem to meet ‘correct bobos’ just losers and baggage carriers? Are you wondering why men keep failing to notice all the fabulousity that you are made of or why after all the oohs and aahs about how wonderful you are, they don’t take a step further to make you theirs?

Here are 14 reasons why you are still single…
1. You are fishing in the wrong waters: There are men everywhere, forget what the National Census says. One of the reasons you are still single could be because of the location of your market. Your selling point could be overshadowed by other shinier competition. Every wise fisherwoman knows you won’t catch anything in the wrong waters. This is akin to being on a man-hunt at a gay bar or a marriage retreat. Location is essential. Every woman has her selling point, that one feature or attribute that draws the men to you. It could be your smile or quick wit or intelligence but most men will not notice intelligence in a room full of long-legged, curvaceous women or a smile at a nightclub. Places with too many women become informal beauty contests with the few available men acting as judges. So carve your niche and own your space! 😉

2. You are trying too hard: Fake personality, fake accent, plastic surgery kinda make-up, fake mannerisms and airs, fake laughter, feigning interest, appearing too eager, the list is endless. There’s nothing wrong with looking good and being pleasant but there’s a thin line that separates a plastic babe from a beautiful woman and men take that line very seriously. Most men fear being deceived by a woman. One of my friends ‘S’ actually admitted that one of the pitfalls of picking up a woman at night was that she always turned out hideous in the morning when the makeup and darkness were gone (when the alcohol had worn off is what he meant 😉 ). Contrary to what women think, the average man knows when you are trying too hard and it spells ‘fake’, ‘poor self-esteem’ and ‘easy lay’. A calm woman is usually the one perceived to be confident and interesting.

3. You are stuck on the obvious: 1) What do you want in a man? Your answer is the same as millions of other girls. 2) What is the first thing you notice about a man? Your answer is the same as every other girl on the street. Your problem begins here. If you are too stuck on the obvious; his looks, his money, his laugh, his dressing, his swag etc., you will miss the man who was having an off day, the not so good looking prince charming, the eccentric billionaire and what have you. Many women argue that there are no good guys but when a good guy comes along they can’t don’t see him if he doesn’t fit their brain’s perception of eligible, hence they fail to recognize his existence. Sometimes your prince charming could be a jewel in the rough, all you need to do is get glasses look a little closer.

4. You are rolling with the wrong crowd: Are your friends all single? Get some married ones. There’s something about hanging out with married women that changes your perspective. So many single women have a whole armory of “I can never date…” or “I can never marry…” or “I can never do…” one thing or the other and their friends share the same views but sometimes rolling with someone different can positively change your mindset. I had a friend who would always say “I can never date a man shorter than me, much less marry him”. She did meet tall guys but they were all jerks (strangely enough) and one day she started hanging out with a girl who was married to a shorter dude and she realised how mundane height was where happiness was concerned. Look at your friends circumspectly, if you all think and reason alike and are all single, you should consider some outside influence.

5. You are a woman’s woman: All your female friend think your fashion sense , style, looks and sex appeal are on point but what do the men think? Try watching manswers on Sony max and you would be amazed how differently men are wired. If you feel you are doing everything right and yet still not bagging a man, try taking man advice from a man. Men have opinions about everything (SURPRISE!), from the way you wear your hair to the way you react to a situation…Men are from mars and women are from Venus, the best way to capture a man is to ask a Martian! 😉

6. You come on too strong: Yeah this is the age of female gender equality, women’s liberation etc but men are still in whatever age they were conceived in, and a woman who comes on too strongly freaks them out. You may think you are being confident, no-nonsense and assertive but all he sees is controlling, crazy and trouble. So take it easy babes, even if you know he likes you but he’s acting irritatingly slow for words calm down and read an encyclopedia while he gets his act together. Sometimes even a little unwanted encouragement can be seen as coming on too strongly.

7. You conclude too quickly: He says he isn’t ready for a relationship so you shut him out completely without a backward glance. Whatever reasons he gives you, as long as he isn’t saying what you want to hear, you shut him out sharply, sometimes without the minimal politeness required from a lady. You just may be shooting yourself in the foot. A lot of men find it hard to makeup their minds right away, other feel the need to ‘test’ you by playing mind games or thrusting you into ridiculous situations and others just need you to give them a reason to stay. If you felt right about him deep down but he is dragging his feet or saying contrary words, don’t slam the door, put him in the friend zone. Yeah that could be the hardest thing you have ever done but being nice and caring towards him even when your heart feels he should be kicked in the butt, could actually be the game changer. Don’t conclude too quickly! (Contraindicated in certain scenarios, use wisdom).

8. You are putting your worst foot forward: “I just show him my worst side immediately so that if he can’t take it, he won’t hang around wasting my time” “I can’t be fronting for any man, what he sees is what he gets, it’s called honesty.” Yes, honesty without tact! Your friends love the good and the bad things about you right? WRONG! Your friends are loyal to you and love you because they got to see and appreciate the good in you before it dawned on them that you weren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect and putting your worst foot forward is like deliberately serving your guests burnt food so that they know you aren’t a perfect cook. The thing is, this isn’t necessary because if the guests hang around long enough they are bound to taste both the good and the bad. Ditch the defense mechanism!

9. You are acting out a script: Who really are you? Some of you have actually forgotten who you are. The real you is buried beneath a pile of peer pressure, societal expectations, disappointments, facades, defense mechanisms, walls and anti-rejection strategies. Your need to fit in and be accepted has turned you into a poor copy of who you really are and when men look at you and your well rehearsed script, they see a lost woman who is hungry for love but cannot love another because she has not learnt to love herself. You are beautiful just the way you are…

10. You are exuding negative energy: Men cringe when surrounded by negativity. Negativity to them is best friends with nagging, yelling, backbiting, aggression and emotional instability. Being pessimistic about the first date won’t get you a second. I heard of a girl who kept telling a guy who was really interested in her that she couldn’t date him because he would end up hurting her. The guy finally got tired of trying to convince her and left her with her demons. Slay the Dragon of negativity in your life. No baby is born a pessimist!

11. You are stuck on your ex: You compare every man to your ex and they fall short. Girl you had better use that brain the Lord gave you to hatch up a plan to get your ex back or better still, move on! It’s no one’s fault you are single, you are the one still in a relationship with your past! Only single girls get hooked…

12. You are stuck on your dream man: Hollywood, Disney, Harlequin romance and Mills and Boons should be blamed for this tragedy. Babe you are not single, you are in a fantasy relationship. “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream…I know you the gleam in your eyes is such a familiar gleam…” Wake up girl, life is passing you by. Men are human beings like you and I and being human is a contraindication to perfection, no man will ever fully measure up to your dream man!

13. You are stuck on your father: Little girls and their daddies, what a perfect picture that paints in the mind. Well you are a grown ass woman and unless you plan to have your mum assassinated and then somehow force daddy to marry you, you had better wake up to reality. Men describe women in this group as having daddy issues. Daddy may have loved her too much or maybe not enough and yes most men won’t treat you as good as daddy treats you (neither would you treat them as good as their mums treat them- more often than not!) but that is besides the point. Would you have married daddy back in the days when he was broke and skinny and not the most attractive man on the block? Would you still want daddy if mummy told you about her secret pains, the hidden tears and the hushed arguments? Trust me, daddy would want you to be with a better man than he was and if you don’t take your eyes off daddy, you won’t see all the wonderful men around you.

14. You aren’t trying hard enough: It could be where men are concerned; one bad breakup, one bad date, one bad encounter and now you have put all men in a box and dumped that box in the attic. Or maybe it’s with your appearance; men are visual creatures. Or maybe your character needs a serious overhaul. Whatever it is if you aren’t putting in any effort, don’t blame cupid when you are sitting all by yourself ‘Bridget Jones’s style’ on Valentine’s day!

Sometimes waiting for the right man to come around might be really hard, especially with friends getting married every weekend and family giving you all sorts of pressure but I urge you to spend the waiting time, pursuing your dreams and doing fabulous things with your life. Good things come to those who wait and one day when you least expect it, he will waltz into your life and never leave your side.

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2014 in Manology, Me, Myself and I, Relationships

 

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