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​10 things to do when your woman is not in the ‘mood’


Has your sex life come to a halt and you are on the verge of sexual frustration? Are her anti-sex headaches legendary? Don’t freak out just yet. Here are 10 winning ways to help her flip the switch in your favor!

1. Don’t whine about it or ask her to make time or lecture her about her God-ordained duties. 

It’s counter productive my brother!

2. Don’t spend all your time in another room on your devices. 

In this case out of sight is a sigh of relief and an unapologetic ‘out of mind’ rejoinder.

3. Hold her 

You think she’s selfish or acting up but still you should hold her close. It’s possible that she hasn’t been held tenderly in a nonsexual way in a while.

4. Talk with her 

About something unrelated to sex or the lack thereof. Find out about her day.

5. Be there with her 

Silence can be very loud, sit with her, lie with her, stand in the kitchen with her, before long the issues she’s buried within will surface and perhaps you’d be able to sort them out and then get to the kiss and makeup part. 

6. Make her feel loved 

The sexual act begins long before you touch her. Does she genuinely feel the sincerity of your love for her or are you only honey-tongued when you want some TLC?

7. Make her feel appreciated 

Thank her for the things you may have overlooked. Thank her for things you noticed but forgot or deliberately chose not to comment on. A woman who feels appreciated is a woman ready to give some more of herself.

8. Make her feel important to you 

Sexual objects are only important for a couple of minutes and then it’s bye bye till the need arises. Same with cooks, laundry women, housekeepers…catch my drift? You need to make her know she means so much more to you.

9. Tell her she is amazing 

Have you ever read the Songs of Solomon? He writes amazing poetry about every part of his woman’s body that any insecurities she may have had fly out the window and she’s ready to give herself to him. Tell her!

10. Make her feel safe and not judged

And if all else fails and you still are left in the cold, don’t treat her badly or reject her. Allow her feel safe enough to say NO, safe enough not to fear that you would withdraw your love or care if she doesn’t perform.

Your relationship is not performance oriented. Let her know you value her on the good days and on the bad ones too…

Have a great weekend Chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2017 in Relationships

 

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Smart Dating!


It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.

So cliché…

So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!

1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough. 

2. Three strikes and he is out

A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.

3. No unprotected sex ever

Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!

4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat

If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!

5. Guard your heart

Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.

6. Stick to the plan

A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!

7. Reverse dating

Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead! 

8. Set standards

If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!

9. Be your own hero

Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.

10. Have a solid back up plan

So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100% 

So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;

1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof. 

2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!

3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.

4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!

5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!

Rant over.

Xxx

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2017 in Relationships

 

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Lagbaja something for you…

When I was younger I was fascinated by the lyrics of this song. My Yoruba is a disgrace but Lagbaja makes you feel like you could actually be fluent in the language. It was just after I read a Mills&Boons novel about a young heroine who fell for an older guy and I started wondering what it would be like to shun the gangly, immature male admirers that flocked to my side from time to time and settle for a mature gentleman who would taste as great as vintage wine was rumored to be.

Before I continue here are the lyrics (truncated) to the song courtesy http://sweetlyrics.com

Omo gbe mi saya / Eh eh gbe mi saya / Baba to bi mi lomo ko mama so mi luncle / Ki lo wa de to mi pe mi luncle / I no be your uncle / Your uncle dey for village / No take your mouth to make me Methuselah / I might be forty something / I might be fifty something / In my heart I’m twenty something / No look my belly o / It’s a sign of good living / So you would know say Baba na father / I might be thirty something / I might be forty something / In my heart / I’m twenty something / Ma ma wo tikun me / Seb’obe lo wa nibe / Iyen lo fi ma gba pe baba ni father nje / Omo anything for me?
Chorus: Lagbaja nothing for you
Aa ki lo de / Omo anything for me so gbo o / Oo to be / Omo gbo se anything for me / Ab’oo gbo mi se / Ki lo de o / Omo anything for me eh eh / Aaaa

Tell me anything you want me to do for you baby / And I would do for you right away / Tell me what would make you happy / And I would do for you / Ma ma je n se’ra mi lese si e lorun baby o/ Aa, ab’o fe gboruko / Because of you, I fit close all my account patapata / Aa ma ma gboruko / Omo anything for me? / O se, O se
Chorus: Lagbaja, something for you
E hen… Aa… l’ataaro

The song always made me giggle. Fast forward a few years and I was in the University and was hit with the concept of ‘aristos’. These men lined the streets of Moremi, Newest Hall and New hall (Unilag) on a nightly basis, expensive cars, expensive perfumes and wedding rings in tow and I realized my concept of dating older men had just been redefined. The first concept was dating an older man for love but this new concept was dating an older man for money and the older men here were neither graceful nor sincerely gentle they looked like men on the prowl loaded with enough cash to ensure they had a smooth transaction into the pants of any lady of their choosing regardless of the baggage they brought with them. I was still trying to understand this new concept from the vantage point of a keen observer when another concept was again presented to me by Eedris Abdulkareem, the Mr Lecturer concept which was dating an old man to pass exams or move ahead in life.
Old men totally lost their appeal after I reviewed the three concepts because they all seemed to flow into each other with most girls swearing concept one was the reason for their choice while pretending not to notice that they got concept two and three in the bag too.

I still thought Sean Connery, Captain Von Trapp (Christopher Plummer) and Richard Mofe Damijo were beyond cute. Plus you can’t deny the gentility, wisdom and pampering that come with a doting father-figure cum lover boy! 🙂 But it’s never so simple in reality now is it?

As I grew older every time I saw a young girl with an older man, I wondered which of the three concepts was reason for her choice. The romantic in me hoped it was concept number one but the more cynical people around me held on to the other two concepts and judged the hell out of the girl. Then there were young girls who displaced their mother’s age mates from their matrimonial homes and I always wondered, don’t they fear God? How would you willingly be step-mother to kids older than you are? And of course there were naive young girls who narrowly missed getting entangled into ‘ministry of home affairs’ drama! Let me give you one gist, when I was in medical school I met this dashing older man (I swear my girlfriends rated him a 9/10), he was beyond gorgeous, cultured, the perfect gentleman and we had awesome conversation AND HE DIDN’T HAVE A WEDDING RING! I can hear you laughing at me already abi? One day he takes me out to dinner, bought me a nice perfume when he came to pick me up and then we headed out. Now I may be a romantic but I am not a fool. I always carried ‘vex’ money wherever I went (Queen’s College girls you know what I am about LOL). Anyway, I am laughingly responding to one of his numerous stories when his phone rings and he asks me to be quiet rather abruptly and then I hear the following convo (well his side of the convo).

“Hi honey, how are you and the kids”
…………
“I am working late again, need to finish that project”
…………
“May not come home tonight…”

I had heard more than enough, I got up grabbed my purse and with righteous anger walked off. ‘How could he be married?’ I asked to no one in particular with righteous indignation. Even the cab guy who silently returned me to school sensed I wasn’t in the mood for chitchat and you know how Lagos cab guys sabi gist. My friends were very supportive, insulting men in general as all girls do in such situations but later on my inner voice mocked me. 40- something year old gorgeous, cultured and very rich dude still single in this Nigeria? Come on! Girls are not sleeping or blind. If indeed he had been really single he would either be divorced, separated, gay or have one mega scoinscoin that would make you fear fear!

Later on a man who claimed he was ‘separated’ started toasting me and every time I gave him the ‘Lagbaja nothing for you’ line he would pout and promise that he was true and sincere and age was nothing but a number until one day I got a mysterious phone call and one woman abused my life ehn. The thing pain me no be small because I wasn’t even remotely interested in her man but you know we women na, face the woman instead of the man. Dude calls to apologize later on and swears that he is separated but his soon to be ex-wife is crazy jealous and wants him back. Shuoooo? Ogbeni shift joo, you are blocking my Oxygen!
I’d like to believe that the average young girl growing up in the world today is smart enough to see through all of this BS.
No ring doesn’t equal not married and separated doesn’t equal divorced and if he claims he is divorced insist on seeing papers biko!

So back to concept 1…Does this sort of love truly exist? Is there an acceptable maximum age difference that should exist between man and woman? This goes both ways cos the number of cougars is growing by the second! 😉
Could it really be defined as love or is it strictly a mutually beneficial relationship? What say ye? I’d really love to hear your views on concepts 1, 2 and 3. Do you have successful marriage stories to share that involve cross-generational relationships?

And for the young girls forced into marriage to men of their fathers’ ages by family, tradition or circumstances, my heart goes out to them. Marriage before the age of consent by an unwilling child bride should be a crime. Shikena!

So ladies would you date an older man, an aristo or Mr Lecturer? (Concept one, two or three) Or have you? And for the men have you ever dated an older woman or a cougar let’s hear your experiences and your verdict on the issue!

Xxx

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2015 in Relationships

 

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NIKE! JUST DO IT!

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Another post by our guest blogger, Joseph and this time it’s for the ladies…xxx

Dear diary,

So I saw Tunde again today. I really like him, but don’t know if he is serious. Sometimes he is all nice and at other times he just forgets about me till I ping or call him. I know he probably just wants to have sex with me and I swear I want to have sex with him too. But I know he won’t call me again the moment I have sex with him. He has even refused to define our relationship, he says he likes me but he hasn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend. He has invited me to his house again tomorrow. I don’t know oh…after what happened last time. What if we end up doing it this time? I must confess, I want it to, it’s been a while. Maybe I should just ask him what we are. I’ll ask him tomorrow. I have to go now, expect good news tomorrow.

Ciao

XOXOXO NIKE XOXOXO

You all know what’s going to happen to Nike right? She’d go to Tunde’s house after the movie (it could be anything else really), they’d start fooling around and when homeboy’s about to turn the page, she would resist. He would do a bit more convincing and when it seems like her guards are lowered again, he’d make a move but she’d resist again. He does a bit more convincing; including telling he that wants to put only the head. Sisi has been around so she knows the thing doesn’t have a shoulder and therefore no means of stopping the body after the head. So she pulls out a famous move

‘What are we?’ or ‘What am I to you?’

The answers range from a simple

‘We’re boyfriend and girlfriend’ (for the less creative ones).

To the more elaborate

‘What? What kind of question is that? I call you every day, send you text messages, take you on dates and spend time with you. Do you think I do this for every girl?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Wow! Wow! Wow! Am I wasting my time? Because I thought we had something real. Are you even serious about this?’

Let’s back up a little.
Bla bla bla… So she pulls out her famous move, this time just as he is about to Los Merengues at the Bernabeu.

‘Do you love me?’

Really ladies! At this point, the answer could only be a testosterone coated, sperm laden, conji induced baritone ‘YES’. You could ask him if he was a serial killer at this point and his answer would be the same.
I’m going to level with you; this is the reason why some of you get ‘heartbroken’:

  1. You are in a very simple situation. Boy likes you, you know the attraction is physical and he only wants your body. You want him too, your juices are flowing but you hold back, which isn’t entirely wrong, restraint is good. It’s sex, not a peck on the cheek. The reason you’re holding back is the real kicker though. You’re worried that if he sleeps with you he won’t call you again, which is the likeliest possibility but you don’t really know that. At this point, your options are limited. Just two in all honesty. You either walk away and kill the desires or give in to those desires and see where it leads. Because you’re Nike however, because your feminine constitution demands it, you manufacture a third option

  2. Take the very simple situation and complicate it. You have decided you like him enough to sleep with him but your mind doesn’t want it to happen except he makes some form of commitment. Says he loves you (even though you know he doesn’t) or calls you his girlfriend even though you know you aren’t. With all due respect, any girl who has ever pulled the ‘Do you love me?’ move during foreplay has the IQ of a millipede and except the dude has that of a doorknob, it’s a put-off (I said put-off, not turn-off, we hit it either ways). The most solid commitment a man can make to a woman and vice versa is marriage and even those get broken nowadays. Words mean nothing and I’m sure most of you know this. But it feels better when you know you’re sleeping with him because ‘he loves you’ or because ‘you are his girlfriend’ than when there’s nothing involved. So you do it and it’s nice. Sidenote: It’s always nice for guys, I don’t care what anyone says, and that’s why we have necrophiliacs. You do it a couple more times on different days and you brain starts to believe the hype and therein lies the problem.

  3. You get crushed. You guys have done it now and done it a couple of times more so your brain starts to believe the hype. You knew from the beginning that the dude only wanted the physical aspect but you coerced a ‘commitment’ out of him and now you expect him to follow through. So you start the quegging (it’s a portmanteau). Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you text? Why didn’t I see you yesterday? Why don’t you take me out on dates again? Why don’t you walk on water for me? And on and on. From this point on, the period the guy holds on for is directly equivalent to the bombness of your arena. I know I said all guys enjoy it but some enjoy it more than others and to be fair, some of you ladies are just Cleopatra reincarnates. I’ve seen men go all the way (more on this later).  Eventually, more often than not, the guy snaps and he ‘ends’ the relationship. Now you’re heartbroken, from a relationship that was only on your head. Women!

What I am saying is simple. While getting a commitment is not out of place, you don’t need a guy to say the words ‘would you be my girlfriend?’ or any it’s variants to know you’re in a relationship. You would know if what you have is real. Guys would say anything to get laid, anything!
So Aunty Nike, if Uncle Tunde gets your juices flowing, there are only two options. You either kill the desires and get on with your life or give in to them with minimal expectations. Better yet, have no expectations. Just do it!

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Posted by on August 1, 2014 in Manology

 

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Staphylococcus- the mythical mother of all STDs!

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The doctor’s in the building…Here is a post by our very own doctor and guest blogger. Hope this answers all your questions about Staphylococcus!


Growing up, I had always heard about the dreaded disease- Staphylococcus. Even the name sounded so serious, a life threatening disease I was sure it was. I couldn’t wait to have the lecture on it in school. I figured it was going to be in the league of HIV/AIDS. Then we started having lectures, days became weeks then months, yet none of my lecturers had talked about it yet. Hmm, perhaps they were saving the ‘best’ for the last. Then one day, our microbiology lecturer was talking about bacteria and then he talked about the cocci group of bacteria, finally! I said to myself. Then he mentioned staphylococci, I settled into my seat properly, ready and eager to know all there was about this dreaded disease. To be fair, the lecturer probably spent 30minutes talking about staphylococcus, the laboratory findings, the clinical features and then the treatment and management. I wasn’t satisfied. After all, last week we talked about HIV for about 3 days. Why should this disease get only 30 minutes, wasn’t it serious enough? Considering all the fliers, newspaper adverts, billboards, radio jingles and TV adverts dedicated to this disease by various trado-doctors (herbalists or babalawos) why were the Western doctors not taking the disease seriously? Maybe that’s why we kept losing the trust of our patients. What would uncle R think if I couldn’t cure common staph? What sort of doctor would I be?

Now, I’m usually self-conscious and I don’t like to ask questions in class and all, but seeing that I’d been looking forward to this topic, I was torn, do I get up and ask the lecturer more questions or should I just read about it? While I was still trying to decide, a classmate of mine asked the questions on my mind.

‘Was staph not a sexually transmitted disease, didn’t it cause infertility and why were there no antibiotics that could treat it, why did people need to seek herbal medicine to manage staph?’

So my people, that was how my classmates and I saw through the scam that these native doctors aka babalawos aka tradomedicine aka herbalists aka naturalists run on the average unsuspecting Nigerian. I really don’t know the genesis of how staphylococcus being an STI came about. I don’t even know who taught these guys how to spell the word, seeing as it does take me some time to spell it correctly. All I know is somehow, one day these guys had a meeting and decided that staphylococcus was a big sounding word that would instil fear in their clients and fetch them more money because of the claim that it was life threatening, sexually transmitted and would affect their fertility. You know we Nigerians don’t joke with anything that would affect our fertility, our sex lives or our lives generally.

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So ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to dispel a couple of rumours and hopefully I would be able to relieve you of the fears you have and provide you with adequate information about the great staphylococcus bacteria. Don’t get me wrong, staphylococcus infections could be very serious requiring long hospital stays and strong ANTIBIOTICS, IN THE HOSPITAL under the supervision of a MEDICAL DOCTOR.

Here are ten things you didn’t know about staph.

  1. Staphylococcus is a group of bacteria that can cause a number of diseases as a result of infection of various tissues of the body. They can cause illness can range from mild and requiring no treatment to severe and potentially deadly.
  2. Staphylococci can be found normally in the nose and on the skin of around 25%-30% of healthy adults and in these people it does not cause disease. Due to this, it is often found as a contaminant in laboratory cultures so a urine, blood, vaginal swab or seminal fluid specimen can yield staph as a contaminant if the specimen is not properly handled or the laboratory work environment is not sterile. This is probably why a lot of labs give results that show patients have ‘staph’.
  3. Anyone can develop a Staph infection, although certain groups of people are at greater risk, including new born infants, breastfeeding women, and people with chronic conditions such as diabetes, cancer, IV drug users, those with skin injuries or disorders, intravenous catheters, surgical incisions, and those with a weakened immune system.
  4. Skin infections are the most common infections that can occur from staphylococcus, this can be as minor as pimples or boils (abscess collection), cellulitis or as fatal as scalded skin syndrome. In this case, it can be transmitted from person to person and is highly contagious. Since pus from infected wounds may contain the bacteria, proper hygiene and hand washing is required when caring for Staph-infected wounds.
  5. Staphylococcus can also cause mastitis which is a collection of abscess in d breast which makes the breast painful and swollen and is usually seen in breast feeding mothers.
  6. Staph infection can spread in the blood stream and cause pneumonia (infection in the lungs) or cause endocarditis (infection of the heart valves) or cause osteomyelitis (infection of the bones) or general staphylococcal sepsis which is wide spread infection of the entire blood stream.
  7. There is also a kind of food poisoning that can be caused by staph. In this cause the symptoms are acute vomiting, diarrhoea and dehydration usually develop within one to six hours after eating contaminated food. The illness usually lasts for one to three days and resolves on its own. Patients with this illness are not contagious.
  8. Toxic shock syndrome is a rare potentially fatal infection caused by toxins from staphylococcus. It is characterized by the sudden onset of high fever, vomiting, diarrhoea, and muscle aches, followed by low blood pressure (hypotension), which can lead to shock and death.
  9. Treatment of staphylococcus is dependent on the kind of illness. Minor skin infections are usually treated with an antibiotic ointment or in some cases, oral antibiotics. If abscesses are present, they are surgically drained. More serious and life-threatening infections are treated with intravenous antibiotics.
  10. Prevention includes careful hand washing, avoiding close skin contact with possible infected individuals; also careful attention to food-handling and food-preparation practices can decrease the risk of staphylococcal food poisoning.

So there you have it. Everything you need to know about staph. Staphylococcus is NOT a sexually transmitted disease so please stop dashing money to these no-gooders and spread the word!

Please leave a comment if you have any questions and thanks for stopping by at the doctor’s office. x

 

You can follow our guest blogger on twitter: @deevadoc

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2014 in Health

 

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Battle strategies that ruin your love life!

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A guy once said ‘Romantic Terrorism is the worst form of terrorism because it demands for the most outrageous of expectations- LOVE!

It doesn’t matter that the dude was a cab guy in a movie or that he said those words in French. Too many people are turning their relationships into battle fields, fighting for love in precisely the wrong manner. For them love would be too scary if they gave up control. Their constant battle strategies would make Sun Tzu proud.

The only problem with this is that you either end up jumping from one failed relationship to another or stuck in a relationship with a partner who is suboptimally happy and too scared of you to walk away before the opportunity to run presents itself.

To have a happy, mutually satisfying relationship, you have to stop being a bully. Romantic Terrorism might make your partner ‘behave’ but it will not make them love you the way you crave.

Unless you are dating a puppy or kitten, here are some battle strategies you need to let go of today! 

1. Sulking: You jut out your lower lip, wrinkle your forehead, droop your shoulders and walk around in a mournful manner with a ridiculous pout just because you are pissed. First of all sulking is unflattering and immature and secondly you end up forgetting the reason you were upset and instead going down memory lane to dig up a whole lot of unresolved issues so that by the time you finally are ready to talk, your partner feels the full impact of every crime he has ever committed in his life. This gets wearisome when constantly on repeat, the sulk brings the funk into your relationship.

2. Keeping Malice: This is an informal term used to describe a long period of going invisible due to the grudge you hold for someone. You ‘disappear’ for days. No phone calls, no pings, no texts, no visits avoiding your partner like a plague till he or she has to forcefully break down the barriers just to have access to you. It’s usually accompanied by prolonged begging and involvement of a third party and it wears down a relationship fast!

3. Sex deprivation: This is an age old battle strategy and the hallmark of Romantic Terrorism. It’s been passed down from generation to generation because our mothers knew that it would be very hard to stay angry with a person you cared about when that person’s body was intimately connected to yours. This behaviour is akin to depriving a child of food because he was naughty. Many good men have strayed because of this.

4. Silent treatment: This is a form of keeping malice but different because you are physically present but emotionally distant. You do not react or respond to any circumstances around you and just go through the motions of the day oblivious to your partner’s existence. This can be highly frustrating as many people can’t stand being actively ignored.

5. Monosyllables: Yes, No, Ok, Mmm, uh-huh etc. Many people have perfected the art of giving monosyllabic responses when they are upset. They feel superior to those who keep malice and give the silent treatment because they are mature enough to carry out conversation despite their anger. Someone please tell them they ain’t any better!

6. Feeding insecurity: She got you mad so you decide to flirt with those hot babes in front of her so she knows she isn’t that special…He got you upset so you call up your old boyfriend for a hearty chat while he listens in dismay. This is destructive behaviour and feeding your partner’s insecurity does not a healthy relationship make!

7. Nagging: You tell your partner everything he or she is doing wrong, did wrong and has ever done wrong- on repeat, all day long. Hoping that your accusations constantly grating on his nerves will bring the change you desire! Wrong!

8. Temper tantrums: You get so mad that you slam doors, break stuff, drive like a maniac, throw things and yell. Soon your partner would think he/she was actually dating a maniac and run for health reasons!

9. Compulsive behaviour: You max out your credit card, empty your partner’s bank account all in the name of comfort- shopping, you get drunk every time you have a fight with her, making her worry. You gain ten pounds every time you are upset with your partner, substituting food for the love you actually crave. Compulsive behaviour may attract pity from your partner and give you the false impression that you are doing a good job handling your problems on your own but it doesn’t do your love life any favors.

10. Waterfalls: A lot of women use their tears as their most potent weapon. They have the ability to control their partners by turning on the waterfalls and can do it at will. These crocodile tears are the reason a lot of men don’t take a woman’s tears as seriously as they should. Tugging at your partner’s emotional puppet strings daily will cause them to snap when you least expect it.

The list is endless, would love to hear about those I omitted from the list. We have all been victims to this form of terrorism not necessarily in a relationship but from others we love. We all have that one friend or family member or partner whose idea of love is control.

A lot of us are guilty of romantic terrorism as well. Many learn too late that you cannot force someone to love you. Controlling your partner in a bid to make them love you the way you want and to compel them to behave exactly the way you want, leaves you in a relationship which you cleverly think is perfect because it is perfect for you but highly vulnerable because your partner secretly seeks a relationship where he or she can be free; free to love the way they know how to and free to act without fear and when they do find such a relationship they will move on- Leaving you alone in your kindgom.

Communication and understanding are key in a relationship. Let go of these battle strategies and allow yourself be vulnerable for a change, you just might be amazed that your love life gets better and the hurt you always feared would come upon you if you lost control was actually only a figment of your imagination.

Let’s make love not war.

Have a great weekend Chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2014 in Relationships

 

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Ten Reasons He won’t marry you part 2.

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It’s a few days to the new year and Lord knows getting a man tops your to do list for 2014. You have done all it takes or at least been sorely tempted to, READ  HERE if you doubt that. But the truth is that just when you think he is gonna be the one, he does something wacko and while you are still wrapping your head around whether he deserves your forgiveness or not you get the memo that he is walking down the aisle with some young woman he just met! Why is it hard to find a good man? Why do the men misbehave so badly and then suddenly hang up their boots and pledge undying love and fidelity to a new woman who hasn’t worked half as hard as you have or put up with half as much sh*t as you have? Why is life totally unfair? Does it even pay to work hard at changing a man when he is gonna just run away and be the better man with some undeserving female? My friend Dee gritted her teeth when she read part 1 of the ten reasons he wouldn’t marry her and she and the other women I spoke to had lots to say.

In their opinion, these are the TEN reasons why men do not give you an engagement ring when they know how much you want and deserve one.

1. He doesn’t think you appreciate the huge favor he is doing by marrying you: A man is expected to hang up his boots, have a monogamous sex life, provide financially for the upkeep of a home and make decisions and to him it’s like the mother of all sacrifices. He forgets the wife has to cook, clean, keep a job, carry a baby and yet still look sexy, raise kids, keep a home, nurture him…heck the list is endless and as far as Dee is concerned a man doesn’t marry you because for some reason you don’t realise what a huge favor he is doing you when he pops the question and he refuses to propose to a girl who doesn’t appreciate that or who isn’t worthy (doesn’t mean he won’t date her though).

2. He wants a younger babe: F believes that the longer you date a man the less likely he is to pop the question. Growing old with him in a relationship is not the same as growing old together in a marriage. In a relationship the babe gets stale after a while and soon the dude thinks it is his right to have a sexy, young woman at his side after all *cough cough he is a young man! Soon he spots a college hottie and you are history!

3. See finish: R is convinced that her man had ‘seen her finish’ which is why he didn’t marry her. See finish means he has seen all there is to see about you. He knows you so well that he can predict your every move and write epistles on your flaws both real and imagined. For a woman, see finish makes you feel comfy like you really are a couple but for a man, it spells only one word ‘BORING’ and soon he is blowing your faults out of proportion and gone in a flash into the arms of the mystery lady he met at the bar!

4. He was just killing time with you: J laments about how her boyfriend of four years had convinced her when they just started dating that the differences in tribe and religion didn’t matter. Now that the relationship has gotten to the marriage stage, he is using those things which supposedly didn’t matter as reasons why they shouldn’t get married. As far as she is concerned, men will say anything to get into your pants and stay there till the next bus arrives!

5. He wants a virgin: Ridiculous as it sounds V couldn’t help cussing out her recent ex who had left her with PID and the trauma of two abortions and gone to marry a good little girl from his home town. His excuse was that he needed a woman who could bear children since he was his mother’s only child and he wasn’t sure that after the abortions (which by the way, she had for him) she would be able to!

6. He wants a trophy wife: Q is a baby mama and a high school drop out and she wouldn’t have felt so bad if all her man did was get her pregnant which of course made her drop out of school but he had the nerve after all she had done for him to marry a girl with a fancy job and many degrees when he was the reason she hadn’t done much with her life. She knew the reason lover boy didn’t put a ring on it was because she didn’t fit into his high profile life.

7. He doesn’t like your appearance: Your slightly overweight bod kept him warm at night and he kept telling peeps how much he loved the meat on you but now that you are talking marriage you are too fat. He feels child birth will worsen it and now he has a long list of things you need to change before marriage which may include liposuction, plastic surgery and skin bleaching!

8. He doesn’t wanna get married period: O cried her eyes out when her perfect boyfriend walked away when she gave him the marriage ultimatum but a year later she met a quiet guy who worked in the building across her office and two years later she was married. Her first child is 13 now and her ex is still single. He has had countless girlfriends but they leave when they realise he ain’t ever gonna go the whole 9 yards.

9. He hasn’t made money yet: S thought her man was ready, he had a good apartment, a well paying job and some money in the bank and it shocked the hell out of her when he told her point blank that till he had his first million in the bank and a house of his own, he couldn’t even consider marriage and if she was gonna face facts, that wouldn’t happen in the next five to ten years. She didn’t wanna be a forty year old girlfriend!

10. He didn’t get a vision from God that you were the one: God to him may be the voice in his head or his mama or pastor’s voice but N thought she would scream her head off when her boyfriend said he prayed about marrying her and didn’t get a conviction. He didn’t need a conviction when he dated her for two years. He didn’t need a conviction when he got her pregnant. She didn’t believe for one minute that God approved of her boyfriend blaming Him for his inability to man up but all that didn’t matter as she kissed the thought of him getting down on one knee goodbye.

So there you have it, ten reasons he won’t marry you- The woman’s version.

God knows the end from the beginning and even when it hurts like hell and you don’t know why it is happening to you, believe that He makes all things beautiful in His time and that He has a beautiful plan for your life. It can only get better…

Compliments of the season chutzpah fam,
♥♥♥

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2013 in Relationships

 

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