Tag Archives: kids

Baby Mama Drama: The 411 about dating a man with kids!

Good men are hard to find so what do you do when the good man you found has kids from a previous relationship or marriage and a very disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or simply put baby mama? Women all over the world will testify that it’s easier to date a man with kids when the mother of those kids is dead, on Mars or happily married but only a few women are that lucky.
So what do you do? You love this man and you know he could be the one but all that’s ringing in your head is the negativity that comes with poking your head into baby mama drama and your worldly wise friends keep telling you it’s no big deal (Same friends who encouraged you to stalk and beat up the chick your last man was cheating on you with). Well for the peace-loving, drama free lady, this is a big deal! You close your eyes and imagine the kids warming up to you like they did to Fraulein Maria in the Sounds of Music and hope their mother will just disappear but the reality is that kids don’t just warm up to daddy’s new love interest (unless they are very little) and baby mama’s wage a new war when there is a new woman on the scene (they fear that the man will use her as an excuse to run from his responsibilities)!
Here are five points to help you deal with this situation:
(In no particular order)
1. Set boundaries: Okafor’s law states that; if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in…), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover etc). [Culled from the urban dictionary].
This means that there’s a high possibility that your man was still sleeping with his baby mama howbeit occasionally before he met you. He and his baby mama are used to acting a certain way towards each other and the first thing you need to do is set boundaries. Baby mama needs to realize that there’s a new woman on the scene and that even though your man will still be available for his kids, he will cease to be available for her emotional/sexual needs and whims any longer.
2. Conflict resolution: A friend of mine dated a man years ago who had a baby mama and a kid and at the start of the relationship the man was not on speaking terms with his baby mama, had never even seen his child although he admitted the child was his and had never given a dime for child support. The first thing my friend had to do was work on her man and get him to extend an olive branch and step up to his responsibilities (it wasn’t a small task). She never got any trouble from the baby mama throughout the relationship because the baby mama clearly saw the positive changes in the man and was grateful for the help. Today the guy has a strong bond with his daughter which would not have been there if my friend hadn’t helped resolve the conflict.
3. Develop a relationship with his kids: Don’t be the aunty who is only nice to the kids when daddy is watching. Kids can smell a fake a mile away. Also don’t be the aunty who they only see when they see daddy. Spend some time alone with the kids, be nice, buy them stuff but don’t be a pushover. Kids can be bullies too and if they sense that you really need daddy’s approval, you may end up jumping to their every whim. Love them like you would love your own because one day they might be half yours. Lastly if the kids have a favorite aunt or uncle, make friends with the person. They are more likely to trust you if they see that the person trusts you too and never ever bad mouth their mum.
4. Avoid personal contact with his baby mama: You don’t need to be all up in her face. The less she sees of you the better. Quell the urge to seek her out or talk to her. Don’t feel like you are sizing up the competition. He chose you not her and being secure about your position in his life and heart will take away the joker she thinks she has. And if you do meet her, be cordial but firm. No fighting for whatever reason, walk away. If she disrespects you, talk to your man and have him take care of it. If he loves and respects you, he will protect you.
5. Don’t make his baby mama an issue: Always punctuating your sentences with baby mama this and baby mama that and how he already has a ready-made family etc. is going to wear your relationship thin in a hurry. Men want peace and this sort of behavior spells insecurity. By constantly reminding him of his baby mama you make her important and soon he will be thinking of her just as often as you do which would spell disaster for your relationship especially if she is still available. Don’t try to be like her or compete with her. He knew of her existence long before he asked you to be his woman. R-E-L-A-X and most importantly stay prayerful!!!

Have a great day chutzpah fam,


Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Relationships


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Baby Dust…


Everybody loves a cute, cuddly baby. Most people would not consider a marriage complete without children. Many times a lot of pressure is put on new couples to procreate especially in this part of the world. Couples who choose not to in the first one to two years of marriage are considered odd even if the reasons for not bearing children are because they cannot yet afford the added expenses. Then there are those whose parents and in-laws begin to dream of grand children from the day the couple says “I do” and call periodically to ask “How far?” Their omugwo bags already packed! All in all, when the baby making process is delayed even for a year it makes the couple a little agitated and sometimes they lose focus of what’s important, they forget the love they share, the vows they took and the magic that made them choose to be together till death.

Here are 5 strange but true things women have done to force a stork to land on their doorstep with their very own bundle of joy:

1. Juju-baby: Under the mango tree Mama Calabar chants slowly as she crushes the herbs together her next customer awaits. She inserts the herbs into the woman’s secret place and forces her to drink the bitter concoction. She deftly massages the woman’s abdomen commenting from time to time “Ah your womb dey hot oh and e no dey the correct position”. She guarantees a pregnancy in 3 months for a fee that she points out is quite affordable and asks for your preference just as money changes hands. “Na boy or na girl you want? Abi na triplets?”. And every once in a while the stork lands and news of Mama Calabar’s j-babies is spread about!

2. Chemical conception: Clomid, Evening Primrose Oil, Fertility Pills…you name it, she’s chewed it! Injections, insertions and pills upon pills, over the counter and under it too, a mad scientist she becomes, combining poisons and antidotes, searching for the secret formula that makes babies appear… her body, her very own guinea pig…sigh…

3. Phantom pregancy: She wants it so bad her mind just lets her have it. Full breasts -oh so sore, potruding belly and the more than welcome nausea. All the signs she anticipated, finally she is a member of the club but her belly doesn’t look like any of the others, it doesn’t kick like it should, just a churning every once in a while and those infuriating doctors are being so negative they and their faulty equipment. But alas, there’s a thin line between faith and phantom…

4. Baby Factory Home Delivery: “Have a baby for me, baby, be a millionaire…” Transactions, Theft or Deception, one way or the other she’s gonna have a baby, someone else’s baby but it’s all the same innit? Why bother your head about the teenage girl who would most certainly have abandoned her child? She has been relieved of her burden and you paid good money for it too. Where’s the crime?

5. Deliverance: Your grandmother’s cousin’s aunty keeps eating all your unborn children, die by fire, by fire by fireeeeee!!! Prayer becomes a non-stop incantation beseeching the sovereign Lord to have mercy upon you and destroy the enemies whose power your fear has profoundly magnified.

Sometimes when the Lord says hold on my child, He isn’t busy, forgetful or partial. Everybody has a different destiny, we run a different race from the next guy. Your marriage won’t be perfect after that child is born, life won’t be complete because you have procreated. I feel the need to write this because so many women and men are under intense pressure and are falling apart because they can’t have kids. I know women who have been chased out of their matrimonial homes and others who are sadly living a lie, knowing their marriage is only a sham and their husbands have gone out to have kids with strange women. Here are 5 more facts you should ponder on before you throw in the towel.

1. Infertility in a marriage could be attributed to the man, the woman, both parties or neither of them all in equal proportions. I have had scenarios at work where a female patient came in to do tests totally distraught because she couldn’t have kids and her husband was maltreating her and after doing the tests we find out she’s fine and that the husband is sterile. What happens next? Don’t maltreat your partner, you promised to love and protect each other and it wasn’t on the condition that she have kids. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned?

2. God’s time is truly the best time. This isn’t cliche, neither is it a catch phrase. When you do have that baby in your arms, you’ll look back and realise the baby couldn’t have come at a better time, trust me! And while you are waiting, enjoy your marriage! Have sex in every corner of the house as loudly as you dare, go on exciting vacations. Imagine you and your husband are still dating and have all the fun in the world before the kids come.

3. Get Tested. Many couples sit at home trying all sorts of methods to conceive without actually finding out what the problem is. Getting a diagnosis means you can look at treatment options which makes you a step closer to resolving the problem and it doesn’t take away from your faith it only directs your prayers to a more specific problem.

4. Sponsor a child. Adoption is not as common as it should be in these parts of the world. Partly because of the administrative bottlenecks and also because tradition largely hasn’t embraced the principle of adoption but it doesn’t mean your hands are tied. Nothing brings baby dust like helping children. You could visit an orphanage from time to time or help out a poor family around you who can’t provide adequately for their kids or sponsor a child anywhere around the world via Compassion International

5. Get a support group. So many couples suffer alone in silence till it tears them apart. Find other couples who don’t have kids and support each other. Many times it helps when you know you are not the only one passing through this phase.
Remember that in His time, He makes all things beautiful. Trust Him to do the best for you whether it means making you the best mother on the planet or the most fabulous god-mother in the universe! Never lose your joy or sleep over something not within your control, life is too short! There are women who died during childbirth and left a kid behind without a mother. You are alive and kicking and I daresay your significant other would choose you alive and with him over ten children any day!

Sleep well chutzpah fam and lots of baby dust on all of you…xxx


Posted by on November 1, 2013 in Inspirational


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Who Stole My Childhood?


I was at a kiddies birthday party on Sunday and during the dance competition a couple of us watched in horror as girls aged 5-11 danced in ways that would have made my grandmother turn in her grave. They touched their non-existent breasts in what must have been mock seduction and gesticulated at their vajayjays while writhing their waists in ways that would shock Iyanya!

These girls were too young to be dancing like strippers on a payroll. I made such a fuss about it wondering where their parents were. Alas the parents were there enjoying their meals and mildly amused by the dances and get this, they would beam from ear to ear, every time the crowd went wild, seemingly proud that their young children were the queens of ‘robo robo’ dancing.

What happened to those days when parents would smack a child for being too worldly wise? What happened to savouring youth and enjoying their childhood? What happened to ‘aunty-give-me-cake dresses’ and cartoons? The kids at the party preferred to watch Merlin and African magic, they could dance the azonto and etighi better than most and could seduce any Tom Cat with their body language even though many of them were still too innocent to grasp the sexual innuendoes. What’s happening to our children? Who is training them these days?

As I watched them in shock and confusion, I allowed myself think. I wondered what would happen if one of the men at the party who was watching with rapt attention was a paedophile. I wondered what would happen if the rest of their innocence was stolen away! I wondered what would happen when I brought children into the world- I had a good mind to terminate my DSTV subscription and ground them till they were 21. But how about school? How would I stop them from growing up too fast? The world has surely made raising kids a ridiculously hard job for good parents.

A while back my cousin told me about a 5year old who was asked to dance at a party and she kept saying “wait” while looking around furtively for something. She eventually found it. A pole!!! She put one tiny hand on the pole and another on her waist and started shaking her small bombom. Our little girl had decided that being a pole dancer was the way to go. Is pole dancing common in Nigeria? No! Do parents take pre-schoolers to strip clubs? No! So what the hell is the problem? I was reading some comments on a blog and a reader mentioned that her 6 year old was sad when one of the housemates in Big Brother Africa was evicted and I must have shouted out loud.


In case you don’t know, television has age restrictions on many programs. Those age restrictions are put there for very good reasons. And as for stations without obvious age restrictions like MTV and Channel O, please realise that children copy what they see and many music videos and movies have strong adult themes.

A child whose childhood is stolen from her grows up to be an adult who’s missing a piece of the puzzle.
Some of them get abused by mentally unstable adults and a lot of them spend long years experimenting and trying to ‘find themselves’. Some die, some get HIV and some turn to a life of crime, others grow up to be the next generation of mentally unstable adults…and the saga continues.
Life is in stages and every stage is just as important as the next. I know many parents are too busy tryna make enough money to pay bills, put food on the table and send their kids to good enough schools but that isn’t all parenting is about. Would you leave your child to be trained by Lady gaga, Beyonce, Wizkid and the other MTV stars? Would you leave your child to be trained by Tonto Dikeh, Mercy Johnson and our Nollywood actresses? These people are paid to entertain and NOT to train up your kids so don’t even think about blaming them!
Sigh…really should your child get first hand knowledge about life, sex and love from their peers, social media and GOOGLE?
The funny thing is, if you remove these ‘contaminants’ from them without filling the void with love and constructive replacements, you’ll have a bunch of kids who pretend, just to keep you happy but can’t wait to experience the world every chance they get. Sigh…

I think rather than blaming the media and the world at large, every parent ought to take a stand to bring up their child in a way that would make him or her an adult they would be proud of. Parents need to make sure their children get the required moral, cultural, religious and social training they need and it’s NOT enough to discipline and deprive these children, practise what you preach, be interested in their activities, give them love and attention and keep them in your prayers. There’s no middle ground here. You either take an interest in your child’s development or the world will do it for you. There’s more to being a parent than just putting food on the table. God help us all…

Children are our future, I want a bright future, do you?

Have a great day chutzpah fam.


Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Hall of Fame, Inspirational


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