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New thingz

I was having lunch with my friend J at Southern Fries, when a chick walked in, there was another chick with her but no one even noticed. All eyes were on her and her ‘hey-mama’ skirt which had all the men and their little men at attention and the women gaping. The lower curve of her butt cheeks was peeking at the world and all that separated it from the chilly afternoon air was a pair of fish net tights. We really had to commend the efforts of the skirt for managing to cover her upper cheeks. She wore Karen-couture (The latest in boob-baskets guaranteed to display your boobs to the far-sighted, made popular by Karen Igho, BBA winner) and had a brazen look on her face that made the icecream melt a bit faster. Someone started coughing and we turned to see an older man choking as his wife glared angrily at him not even bothering to help out. Our vixen got her food and sat down facing her audience, legs apart, red thong teasing the crowd as she slurped on a milkshake and I could see a lot of the women looking faint, their sensibilities thoroughly insulted, wishing they could have her thrown out but she was a paying customer and it didn’t help that there was a tomboy sitting beside her with a proud and possessive look on her face enjoying the scene her lover had created. Soon the novelty wore off and heads hastily dropped as cold chips were remembered. I was intrigued but J assured me that it was becoming a fairly common scene in Abuja though it struck me as odd because I always regarded Southern Fries as a family-type eatery and it was a Sunday afternoon…that paying customer robbed many a man of their post-church anointing! 😉

I flew into Lagos last week and I was half expecting to see water everywhere but Lagos was dry and it seemed people had moved past the floods and the loss of lives and property. The last time I was in town, school children would sing ‘rain rain go away’ when it began to pour and old folks would hum the lines to the old hymn ‘Showers of blessing’. Now once the sky turned a dark grey, people began to speak in tongues and beg God to preserve their property and lives and my gym instructor says more people are taking swimming lessons. Seems that instead of umbrellas, an insurance cover is the best sort of protection from the rain in Lagos. Maybe there was a reason planking was such a great fad, seems like that’s the sorta skill we need to be learning to stay afloat! The floods brought a sense of foreboding that returned with each drizzle and only the sun coming out again could clear the air. I got a Blackberry broadcast days ago warning about a tsunami forecasted to be hitting Accra, Lagos and PortHarcourt soon and panicked. If we couldn’t handle floods, we’d be like the Lost City of Atlantis if a tsunami struck. The broadcast claimed it was reported on Al Jazeera but the news was as false as the lions escaping from the U.I zoo. Thank heavens! Our people say the cow way no get tail, na God dey pursue the flies. May the souls of those who died in the floods rest in peace!

I had a fabulous weekend with my girl R, catching up on eachother’s lives, trading spicy man-gist while sitting with an orgasmic cheesecake at Ice cream factory and it was heaven as always and while I was at it, I spotted a Lagos celeb and began mentally comparing his photos to his real life persona, meanwhile my friend was sizing up his hands. I didn’t realize this was going on till she commented that he was lacking in the trouser department and was obviously a nervous and narcissistic person. I choked on my hokey pokey icecream and stared at her in horror. After verifying that she hadn’t colored with him, I asked her how she knew such scandalous info about this near stranger and she said she had looked at his hands. According to R, a man’s hands said it all. If his thumbs were small, so was his package, if his nails were very short, he was a nervous person (guess biting his nails had to do with that) and if his hands were small, he was narcissistic. I laughed so hard cos I did think privately that he was a Nigerian Johnny Bravo. 🙂 While still giggling about that, my friend C changed his BB status to ‘You can tell a girl’s hustle by looking at her legs’. I immediately pinged him to ask what exactly my legs said to him…the answer has been censored… 😉 Seems our body parts say more about us than we’d want to. A woman’s nails speak volumes of her cleanliness and a man’s feet whisper more tales about his package. Wonder who funded all this research? 🙂 Anyway ladies, the next time you meet a hot, new guy, be sure to ask him to show you his hands but remember that it’s not the size of the fish that matters but how well he can swim in the ocean. 😉

How I’d missed Lasgidi, so many things had changed since the last time I was around. Lagosians are no longer afraid of LASTMA. Surprise, surprise! Reminds me of a father who kept flogging his son till one day the son learnt to ‘chest’ it and stretched his hand out defiantly to collect his koboko… and they’d even learnt to do that and still keep their money in their wallets. And has anyone noticed the circus on Lagos roads these days? First we had mopo and yellow fever, then in came Lastma and now we have VIO and some other uniformed peeps. Everyone demanding respect, particulars and egunje. Feels like an owambe with different officers in their various aso-ebi demanding attention and exacerbating the Lagos traffic! Had to part with a thousand naira when my cab man was apprehended for not having a particular license and the guy was in tears as he hadn’t a kobo on him…Lagos, only the strong survive.

On a closing note, we slept in July and woke up in August! Happy new month peeps, let’s take out the clutter of dreams unfulfilled, broken promises, relationships going nowhere, procastination and ideas put on hold and embrace a new month and a fresh new start. Have a great day peeps…xoxoxo 😉

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

 

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And then it bounced!

      Have you ever received an sms that ruined your day? No not a break up text or a text from your landlord telling you your rent is due but a text from the bank telling you your cheque bounced!
For those who have experienced it several emotions come into play:

First your phone beeps and you smile, it must be my sweetheart missing me or my Alhaji telling me his wife has travelled or a stupid message from zain or a babe sending a text to say she no want do. Whatever it is, someone just spent 15naira so let’s see.
Then you see it’s from the bank and as you click on it, you wonder. Could someone have stolen my atm and withdrawn money? Or is it one of their useless alerts or my maga don pay?
Nothing prepares you for the message…

It comes in different forms depending on the bank but the information passed na the same:
“Abeg come collect your rubbish cheque joor, the thing don bounce! Na who tell you say money dey for that account? Mtchewwww!!!”
Yes, no matter how politely the message is composed, it registers the same way!

Am I the only one that looks forward to the end of the three-day clearing period, unable to sleep cos of endless mental calculations on how I’ll spend my money?
Those shoes I saw at Fashion empire, that dress at Collectibles, those jeans from Yaba, some binge eating at Chicken Republic, Y’s money for aso-ebi and bridal shower! Chei!!! All my dreams up in smoke!
I fit kill somebody oh!
Na who write me that cheque?
Abeg come answer your papa name!!!

So here I am, broke, disillusioned and slightly confused. Wondering if the person that issued the cheque has carried all his load and family and left town.
I try his number, o.k it’s still ringing.
“Oga how far now? Kilonshele?”
“About the cheque, my secretary made some mistakes. No vex, go to the bank and pay it in again!”

Chick like me, definitely not looking forward to going back to the bank and I was even flirting with the guy when I paid it in! Oooooh!!!
So what do I wear?
Do I dress like I don’t need the money, just in case one aggravated female tellar tries to diss me or should I dress like a typical civil servant afterall na government money and na them fall my hand???
Tough questions.

On getting to the bank, the doors do shakara for a while before they let me in!
Haba these doors are getting worse than airport security, before long we’ll be removing our shoes!
I swear in pidgin!
As I enter the bank, my walk of shame begins.
Why does it feel like everyone’s looking at me?
Is it my mind or did I just hear someone whisper; “On top her designer bag, she no get kobo for bank, na bounced check she come collect!”
I realise I don’t know where to go.
Banks why don’t you have a big signboard that says “if your cheque bounced, go to room 11 to collect it” so that we can stylishly read the sign and locate room 11 with minimal embarrassment.
Nooo….they prefer open shame!

I walk over to the customer service desk where ten other people are struggling to get the woman’s attention! Is this a bank or oja, I wonder. She looks very irritated and I’m abit afraid.
After standing there for a few minutes and seeing the crowd thin out, she looks up at me and says “can I help you?”
I tell her my problem and I swear the look on her face would have gotten her sued in another country! She repeats ‘bounced’ enough times to attract the attention of her colleagues and some aproko customers and as I walk away barely remembering her description, I thank God I’m not caucasian or even fair-skinned cos omo, my cheeks feel like they are on fire!!!

When I get to the office, I wait hours for a man whose gone on lunchbreak! Biko did he have to go to market first to prepare the meal?
When he finally arrives, he makes me sign in three places, for security reasons he says! Like anyone would go to the bounced cheques section of the bank to steal a cheque! *rolling my eyes*

I go back downstairs and pay the cheque, quite unfortunately to the guy I was flirting with last time I came to the bank!
He’s a bit surprised at my sour mood and makes a joke about government workers and bounced cheques. I didn’t laugh!

At this point I’d love to say, my money was delivered three days later and I was able to put the ordeal behind me but no be naija we dey? The cheque bounced two more times!
By the third time I’d become a regular in the bounced cheque department!
By the time the money was finally paid, all the things on my to-do list were either sold or expired!
I even had to change banks for a while so that they could forget my face!

I paid in a new cheque on monday, rumor has it that everyone’s cheques bounced. I’m sitting here silently begging God to spare me the ordeal. I keep glancing at my phone, the last text I got, got my heart racing but it was only a text from one runaway admirer.
Abeg help me beg God and beg the Federal Government. I bounce all bouncing cheques by fire!!!
Amen!

Have a great day peeps, xoxo
😉

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2010 in Akure Chronicles

 

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