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10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (4)

I have received a lot of feedback from readers about my last three posts and I am glad that my experiences are not isolated and that more importantly I have been able to give some insight to those currently walking or about to walk in the marriage shoes…thank you!

Here is the 4th and perhaps the most important thing I learned about marriage:

4. Every marriage has its own peculiar challenges.

Your challenges may seem like the absolute worst but be rest assured that every marriage has its own peculiar challenges and even when two cases seem similar, the contributing factor would be very unalike. 

I have been married for five years and I’m yet to have a child. Is this the worst thing that can happen to a marriage? Maybe and maybe not. I have shed tears, been angry, disappointed, prayed and fasted and done all manner of tests and my medical colleagues keep saying the same thing, that there’s nothing apparently wrong with my hubby and I. Sometimes I think the challenge is more difficult because everyone seems to have something to say about it. I have had people ask me why my hubby and I can still be so happy when we don’t have children, I have had someone close to me call me up recommending a guy who helps with blocked tubes, thereby assuming that I have blocked tubes without asking me for the details of my problem and of course automatically inferring that the problem lies with me. I have had people disrespect me because I don’t have children or say flippant, hurtful and very insensitive things to me. I have had people say to my face that I’m a great wife only because I need to compensate for my inability to have children or that hubby and I only have a great marriage because it’s just the two of us. I have had someone who used to be close to me jokingly talk about calling a family meeting  to discuss my problem. I have had someone ask my husband if he became less outgoing because of this problem. Yes I never in my wildest dreams thought we’d go through this but that’s life and I know countless people who have gone through similar ordeals and many have come out victorious. My mantra is what doesn’t break you makes you stronger and I am determined not to be broken.

The thing about problems in marriage is that even when you have a similar problem with another couple, the fine details may be so very different. I have been blessed with a great husband and very supportive friends, family and in-laws (God bless them) who offer strength on days that I feel really low but I know others that have been less fortunate in that area however they have had victories in other areas. I know marriages that have broken up because of lack of children and yet I also know marriages that have become stronger and more intimate because of that same problem. 

As a couple, you decide whether a problem makes you stronger or tears you apart. 

No one else has the power to determine how a problem will affect your marriage and the first thing I learned about dealing with my challenges was how to curb outside influences. There are so many couples whose marriages have been complicated by the advice and influence of a third party even when it seemingly came from a good place. 

Every couple I’ve interacted with has had their own challenges however subtle or obvious they may be. People tend to feel sorry for couples with obvious problems but I’ve learned in five years that the couples with subtle problems who seemingly appear perfect because of the covert nature of their problems are the ones who many times end up permanently fractured by their issues. In medicine, we take triaging very seriously because we have learned over the years that the patient with an obvious problem may not be as serious a casualty as a patient who seems apparently fine. Everyone loves to highlight the problems of others because it seems to diminish their own problems but if you find yourself so preoccupied with another’s issues it may just be because you haven’t been honest with yourself about yours and hence have left it to fester like an open sore concealed in your undergarments. 

Some couples deal with infidelity, others with financial difficulties, others with in-law issues, others with medical issues, others with disharmony…the list is endless and each couple erroneously believes some other couple has it easier. I have learned that God will never give you more than you can handle, you just need to look within you and find inner strength and you should never ever wish for another’s problems in exchange for yours or assume that a couple has no problems. I guess that’s why they say marriage is not a bed of roses. Don’t ever assume that a couple is facing a problem because of some unknown sin or because they deserved it or get angry because they are not handling the problem the way you would because you DO NOT know the whole story just snippets. You cannot offer solution when you are not privy to the full picture. Pray for them, offer assistance if it’s in your power, offer empathy and encouragement but limit advice unless you are an authority in that area because no one knows more about a problem than the person experiencing it. 

In a nutshell, I learned that on the day you say ‘I do’, a new chapter is written with its own highs and lows and unexpected curve balls. Pray for grace to go through these challenges together and believe that ultimately this too shall pass…

Have a lovely Sunday chutzpah fam,

Xoxo

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2017 in Inspirational

 

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Raising Godly Children and the Key-Talk by Pastor Caroline…Part 2

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Hi Chutzpah fam, here is the second part of the four part series on raising Godly Children by our guest-blogger, Pastor Caroline.


2. Children of some great men of God have ended up being godless. What roles must we play to ensure that our children are godly?

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).

Being spiritually strong is a prerequisite to raising godly children but is not enough to make them godly. You have a great role to play in their upbringing.

1– Pray with your child and read Bible stories to him even before he starts talking.  Teach him to pray. Then when he can read, teach him to have a personal quiet time, where he can worship God, confess his sins, read his bible, pray for himself, his family and for others.

2–Learn to prophesy good things to your unborn baby and see the power of God’s word. Teach your child to honour God even before he can talk. Pray regularly with him and read Bible stories to him. The time he starts talking, teach him to pray.

3–Spend quality time with your children. Love and teach them. The first five years of life are the most crucial years. They learn 50% of what they need to know by age three and 75% by age seven. Do not let nannies mould them for you.

4–Protect your child’s environment. Environment includes what comes into your home through television, school and friends.
*Monitor the films they watch, even cartoons. Fearful cartoons expose your children to spirits of fear and many have been possessed by the demons present in some cartoons.
*We are living in a world that condones the culture of death and violence. Watching films filled with violence have been known to breed violence in children.

5—Show affection to your child. Hug him, kiss him and let him feel
loved. You are sowing love and you child will be loving.

6–Be sensitive to his needs. This requires sacrifice on your part.

7–Model what you preach. Never say do what I say and not what I do.

That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto His kingdom and glory (1 Thessalonians 2:12).

8–Do not be too strict and do not be too permissive.

9—Be very patient. Do not let your temper lead you to violence.

When you give a child a solid foundation, it becomes easy for you to train him to grow into a godly adult. When you refuse to invest in their spiritual lives very early in life, their foundation becomes spiritually weak.

If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do? (Psalm 11:3)

3. The act of telling lies is a common habit in children. How can we deal with this habit?

Children tell lies for virtually the same reasons that adults lie. Children who lie often have parents who lie. Without realising it, many parents teach their children to lie. The child watches you lie to the police when you are caught breaking a traffic law. You send him to tell a lie that you are not in the house, when you want to rest. He hears you tell so called ‘white lies’. He then believes that you can lie to avoid punishment and that some lies are permissible.

–To raise honest children, you must be truthful at all times no matter the cost.

Lie not one to another, seeing that you have put off the old man with his deeds. And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of Him that created him (Colossians 3:9-10).

–You must teach the children Biblical standards for honesty. Remember all liars will go to hell (Revelations 21:27, 22: 15).

  1. How can we build self esteem in our children knowing that timid children do not attain great heights in life?

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

Generally, children from enlightened and rich homes appear to have more self esteem than other children. Two main causes of low self esteem: parental influence and school environment. When parents are too harsh and violent with their children, they tend to lose their self esteem and live fearful lives. The same harsh treatment is common in public schools where many comfortable parents will not send their children. When punishment is severe, the child’s spirit is broken and he grows to be timid.

Build self esteem in your child by observing the following:

  1. Do not compare him with other children. This is because abilities, aptitude and intelligence vary and are inherited.

  2. Bear in mind that children mature at different rates.

  3. Be patient with your child and have realistic goals.

  4. Tell your child how proud you are of him when he does well. Do not abuse or punish him when he fails. Encourage him and spend more time with him to teach him. You can provide good lesson teachers where necessary.

…To be continued…

Have a great week Chutzpah fam,
xoxoxo

About the author: Dr Caroline Umebese is an Associate Professor at the University of Lagos, a Pastor at the Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM HQ) and a mother of four with a passion for young people.

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2014 in #TeamJesus

 

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Raising Godly Children and the Key-Talk… by Pastor Caroline. Part 1

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Happy Sunday Chutzpah fam, today we will be starting a four-part series by one of our guest bloggers Pastor Caroline Umebese. This is a must-read for parents and soon to be parents. Enjoy!

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How do we tell our children that immorality and dishonesty are wrong when our rulers and many significant adults do both?

How can we raise godly children in an ungodly world that ignores civility, decency, Christian values and traditional values? How can we succeed as parents in today’s world of violence, drugs, promiscuity, strong peer-pressure and moral breakdown?

We are in the last days. We are experiencing the world as outlined in 2 Timothy 3:1-5. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. More than ever before, the parent has a lot to contend with in the process of raising godly children.

Thank God that where sin abounds, grace abounds to see us through. The grace of God abounds for us today to know how we can raise godly children in these terrible times. The following questions and answers will provide a wealth of information on how you can raise godly children in this present time.

1. What advice will you give young parents concerning how to raise their children in a godly way?

Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is His reward (Psalm 127:3)

*Children belong to God. He gave them to you to nurture them so that they can fulfill the divine purpose God has designed for each one of them on earth.

*Children are your greatest mission field. As arrows in the hands of a warrior, are sons born in one’s youth (Psalm 127:4). If you sharpen them spiritually, they will be strong against all earthly temptations and will fulfill God’s purpose for their lives. If they are blunt spiritually, they amount to nothing in life but a disgrace to you and to God’s kingdom.

*Your children will learn more from the values you show them by example than those you teach with your words.

*You are your child’s most effective teacher and the best way to teach is by modelling, that is practice what you preach. The Bible also says that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-8). Thus the training begins with you:

♦Keep your relationship right with God and with your spouse.
♦Live in complete obedience to the word of God.
♦Be prayerful and build your spirit-man by regular study and meditation on God’s word.
♦Let the fruit of the Spirit be fully manifested in you.
♦Have strong faith in God
♦Love God and love your neighbor.

Parenting is a process of nurturing, caring and helping the children to have a healthy growth, to develop their maximum potential, to become mature and stable individuals that will contribute positively to the society. Parents are the first people to stimulate their children. The following tasks must be done.

♣Training the will
One of the most important tasks in molding children to be intelligent, loving, men and women of good character and responsible citizens, is to teach them to have will power. The will is the mental power by which one controls one’s thoughts, actions and decisions. Training the will simply means to train the child to always think right, act right and to make the right decisions.

Training starts at birth and continues till adulthood. You must have proper understanding of your child’s developmental stage and what is possible and appropriate. In the growth of the child, there are ages that are most sensitive to the development of certain habits or virtues.

Habit/virtue Sensitive period
Order 1-3 years
Obedience 3-6 years
Generosity 6-9 years
Diligence 8-12 years
Solidarity 12-15 years
Loyalty 14-18 years

Order is taught right from the first month. You must take care to be orderly in the child’s meals, sleep routine and hygiene. Ages 1-3 are the sensitive period for tidiness. Teach him/her that each object has its place. Play with him at being tidy with his toys and clothes. Motivate him and he will easily acquire the habit. When you teach him to keep things in order, it will become progressively easier for him to be orderly.

Teach and model the skills to your children. Show good example in your attitude, behavior and actions because children learn more from these than your words.

♣ Character Traits
Know your child’s personality, behavioral style, strengths and weaknesses. Desirable character traits, such as honesty, truthfulness, faithfulness, trust worthiness, obedience, being teachable, temperance, patience, tolerance, loyalty, moral purity, discipline, courage, endurance, self control, diligence, being considerate and generosity can be taught from infancy.

♣ Self worth and Acceptance
Right from infancy, let the children know that they are God’s children. Teach them to love and obey God’s commandments and the blessings they have in Christ Jesus. The knowledge of God will give your children self worth (see Daniel 11:32). When they receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior, the Spirit of excellence will dwell in them. As they grow spiritually and acknowledge God in all they do, they will find favor and acceptance with God and with man.

Joseph was highly favored even as a slave in Egypt, because his father taught him godly principles (Genesis 39:1-20). Your children are holy seeds with the potential for greatness. They need to be nurtured.

…to be continued

Have a great week Chutzpah fam,
xoxoxo

About the author: Dr Caroline Umebese is an Associate Professor at the University of Lagos, a Pastor at the Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM HQ) and a mother of four with a passion for young people.

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2014 in #TeamJesus

 

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Baby Mama Drama: The 411 about dating a man with kids!

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Good men are hard to find so what do you do when the good man you found has kids from a previous relationship or marriage and a very disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or simply put baby mama? Women all over the world will testify that it’s easier to date a man with kids when the mother of those kids is dead, on Mars or happily married but only a few women are that lucky.
So what do you do? You love this man and you know he could be the one but all that’s ringing in your head is the negativity that comes with poking your head into baby mama drama and your worldly wise friends keep telling you it’s no big deal (Same friends who encouraged you to stalk and beat up the chick your last man was cheating on you with). Well for the peace-loving, drama free lady, this is a big deal! You close your eyes and imagine the kids warming up to you like they did to Fraulein Maria in the Sounds of Music and hope their mother will just disappear but the reality is that kids don’t just warm up to daddy’s new love interest (unless they are very little) and baby mama’s wage a new war when there is a new woman on the scene (they fear that the man will use her as an excuse to run from his responsibilities)!
Here are five points to help you deal with this situation:
(In no particular order)
1. Set boundaries: Okafor’s law states that; if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in…), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover etc). [Culled from the urban dictionary].
This means that there’s a high possibility that your man was still sleeping with his baby mama howbeit occasionally before he met you. He and his baby mama are used to acting a certain way towards each other and the first thing you need to do is set boundaries. Baby mama needs to realize that there’s a new woman on the scene and that even though your man will still be available for his kids, he will cease to be available for her emotional/sexual needs and whims any longer.
2. Conflict resolution: A friend of mine dated a man years ago who had a baby mama and a kid and at the start of the relationship the man was not on speaking terms with his baby mama, had never even seen his child although he admitted the child was his and had never given a dime for child support. The first thing my friend had to do was work on her man and get him to extend an olive branch and step up to his responsibilities (it wasn’t a small task). She never got any trouble from the baby mama throughout the relationship because the baby mama clearly saw the positive changes in the man and was grateful for the help. Today the guy has a strong bond with his daughter which would not have been there if my friend hadn’t helped resolve the conflict.
3. Develop a relationship with his kids: Don’t be the aunty who is only nice to the kids when daddy is watching. Kids can smell a fake a mile away. Also don’t be the aunty who they only see when they see daddy. Spend some time alone with the kids, be nice, buy them stuff but don’t be a pushover. Kids can be bullies too and if they sense that you really need daddy’s approval, you may end up jumping to their every whim. Love them like you would love your own because one day they might be half yours. Lastly if the kids have a favorite aunt or uncle, make friends with the person. They are more likely to trust you if they see that the person trusts you too and never ever bad mouth their mum.
4. Avoid personal contact with his baby mama: You don’t need to be all up in her face. The less she sees of you the better. Quell the urge to seek her out or talk to her. Don’t feel like you are sizing up the competition. He chose you not her and being secure about your position in his life and heart will take away the joker she thinks she has. And if you do meet her, be cordial but firm. No fighting for whatever reason, walk away. If she disrespects you, talk to your man and have him take care of it. If he loves and respects you, he will protect you.
5. Don’t make his baby mama an issue: Always punctuating your sentences with baby mama this and baby mama that and how he already has a ready-made family etc. is going to wear your relationship thin in a hurry. Men want peace and this sort of behavior spells insecurity. By constantly reminding him of his baby mama you make her important and soon he will be thinking of her just as often as you do which would spell disaster for your relationship especially if she is still available. Don’t try to be like her or compete with her. He knew of her existence long before he asked you to be his woman. R-E-L-A-X and most importantly stay prayerful!!!

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Relationships

 

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Baby Dust…

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Everybody loves a cute, cuddly baby. Most people would not consider a marriage complete without children. Many times a lot of pressure is put on new couples to procreate especially in this part of the world. Couples who choose not to in the first one to two years of marriage are considered odd even if the reasons for not bearing children are because they cannot yet afford the added expenses. Then there are those whose parents and in-laws begin to dream of grand children from the day the couple says “I do” and call periodically to ask “How far?” Their omugwo bags already packed! All in all, when the baby making process is delayed even for a year it makes the couple a little agitated and sometimes they lose focus of what’s important, they forget the love they share, the vows they took and the magic that made them choose to be together till death.

Here are 5 strange but true things women have done to force a stork to land on their doorstep with their very own bundle of joy:

1. Juju-baby: Under the mango tree Mama Calabar chants slowly as she crushes the herbs together her next customer awaits. She inserts the herbs into the woman’s secret place and forces her to drink the bitter concoction. She deftly massages the woman’s abdomen commenting from time to time “Ah your womb dey hot oh and e no dey the correct position”. She guarantees a pregnancy in 3 months for a fee that she points out is quite affordable and asks for your preference just as money changes hands. “Na boy or na girl you want? Abi na triplets?”. And every once in a while the stork lands and news of Mama Calabar’s j-babies is spread about!

2. Chemical conception: Clomid, Evening Primrose Oil, Fertility Pills…you name it, she’s chewed it! Injections, insertions and pills upon pills, over the counter and under it too, a mad scientist she becomes, combining poisons and antidotes, searching for the secret formula that makes babies appear… her body, her very own guinea pig…sigh…

3. Phantom pregancy: She wants it so bad her mind just lets her have it. Full breasts -oh so sore, potruding belly and the more than welcome nausea. All the signs she anticipated, finally she is a member of the club but her belly doesn’t look like any of the others, it doesn’t kick like it should, just a churning every once in a while and those infuriating doctors are being so negative they and their faulty equipment. But alas, there’s a thin line between faith and phantom…

4. Baby Factory Home Delivery: “Have a baby for me, baby, be a millionaire…” Transactions, Theft or Deception, one way or the other she’s gonna have a baby, someone else’s baby but it’s all the same innit? Why bother your head about the teenage girl who would most certainly have abandoned her child? She has been relieved of her burden and you paid good money for it too. Where’s the crime?

5. Deliverance: Your grandmother’s cousin’s aunty keeps eating all your unborn children, die by fire, by fire by fireeeeee!!! Prayer becomes a non-stop incantation beseeching the sovereign Lord to have mercy upon you and destroy the enemies whose power your fear has profoundly magnified.

Sometimes when the Lord says hold on my child, He isn’t busy, forgetful or partial. Everybody has a different destiny, we run a different race from the next guy. Your marriage won’t be perfect after that child is born, life won’t be complete because you have procreated. I feel the need to write this because so many women and men are under intense pressure and are falling apart because they can’t have kids. I know women who have been chased out of their matrimonial homes and others who are sadly living a lie, knowing their marriage is only a sham and their husbands have gone out to have kids with strange women. Here are 5 more facts you should ponder on before you throw in the towel.

1. Infertility in a marriage could be attributed to the man, the woman, both parties or neither of them all in equal proportions. I have had scenarios at work where a female patient came in to do tests totally distraught because she couldn’t have kids and her husband was maltreating her and after doing the tests we find out she’s fine and that the husband is sterile. What happens next? Don’t maltreat your partner, you promised to love and protect each other and it wasn’t on the condition that she have kids. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned?

2. God’s time is truly the best time. This isn’t cliche, neither is it a catch phrase. When you do have that baby in your arms, you’ll look back and realise the baby couldn’t have come at a better time, trust me! And while you are waiting, enjoy your marriage! Have sex in every corner of the house as loudly as you dare, go on exciting vacations. Imagine you and your husband are still dating and have all the fun in the world before the kids come.

3. Get Tested. Many couples sit at home trying all sorts of methods to conceive without actually finding out what the problem is. Getting a diagnosis means you can look at treatment options which makes you a step closer to resolving the problem and it doesn’t take away from your faith it only directs your prayers to a more specific problem.

4. Sponsor a child. Adoption is not as common as it should be in these parts of the world. Partly because of the administrative bottlenecks and also because tradition largely hasn’t embraced the principle of adoption but it doesn’t mean your hands are tied. Nothing brings baby dust like helping children. You could visit an orphanage from time to time or help out a poor family around you who can’t provide adequately for their kids or sponsor a child anywhere around the world via Compassion International http://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child/default.htm

5. Get a support group. So many couples suffer alone in silence till it tears them apart. Find other couples who don’t have kids and support each other. Many times it helps when you know you are not the only one passing through this phase.
Remember that in His time, He makes all things beautiful. Trust Him to do the best for you whether it means making you the best mother on the planet or the most fabulous god-mother in the universe! Never lose your joy or sleep over something not within your control, life is too short! There are women who died during childbirth and left a kid behind without a mother. You are alive and kicking and I daresay your significant other would choose you alive and with him over ten children any day!

Sleep well chutzpah fam and lots of baby dust on all of you…xxx

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2013 in Inspirational

 

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Who Stole My Childhood?

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I was at a kiddies birthday party on Sunday and during the dance competition a couple of us watched in horror as girls aged 5-11 danced in ways that would have made my grandmother turn in her grave. They touched their non-existent breasts in what must have been mock seduction and gesticulated at their vajayjays while writhing their waists in ways that would shock Iyanya!

These girls were too young to be dancing like strippers on a payroll. I made such a fuss about it wondering where their parents were. Alas the parents were there enjoying their meals and mildly amused by the dances and get this, they would beam from ear to ear, every time the crowd went wild, seemingly proud that their young children were the queens of ‘robo robo’ dancing.

What happened to those days when parents would smack a child for being too worldly wise? What happened to savouring youth and enjoying their childhood? What happened to ‘aunty-give-me-cake dresses’ and cartoons? The kids at the party preferred to watch Merlin and African magic, they could dance the azonto and etighi better than most and could seduce any Tom Cat with their body language even though many of them were still too innocent to grasp the sexual innuendoes. What’s happening to our children? Who is training them these days?

As I watched them in shock and confusion, I allowed myself think. I wondered what would happen if one of the men at the party who was watching with rapt attention was a paedophile. I wondered what would happen if the rest of their innocence was stolen away! I wondered what would happen when I brought children into the world- I had a good mind to terminate my DSTV subscription and ground them till they were 21. But how about school? How would I stop them from growing up too fast? The world has surely made raising kids a ridiculously hard job for good parents.

A while back my cousin told me about a 5year old who was asked to dance at a party and she kept saying “wait” while looking around furtively for something. She eventually found it. A pole!!! She put one tiny hand on the pole and another on her waist and started shaking her small bombom. Our little girl had decided that being a pole dancer was the way to go. Is pole dancing common in Nigeria? No! Do parents take pre-schoolers to strip clubs? No! So what the hell is the problem? I was reading some comments on a blog and a reader mentioned that her 6 year old was sad when one of the housemates in Big Brother Africa was evicted and I must have shouted out loud.

MOMS IT IS NOT OK TO WATCH CERTAIN PROGRAMS WITH YOUR KIDS IN THE ROOM!

In case you don’t know, television has age restrictions on many programs. Those age restrictions are put there for very good reasons. And as for stations without obvious age restrictions like MTV and Channel O, please realise that children copy what they see and many music videos and movies have strong adult themes.

A child whose childhood is stolen from her grows up to be an adult who’s missing a piece of the puzzle.
Some of them get abused by mentally unstable adults and a lot of them spend long years experimenting and trying to ‘find themselves’. Some die, some get HIV and some turn to a life of crime, others grow up to be the next generation of mentally unstable adults…and the saga continues.
Life is in stages and every stage is just as important as the next. I know many parents are too busy tryna make enough money to pay bills, put food on the table and send their kids to good enough schools but that isn’t all parenting is about. Would you leave your child to be trained by Lady gaga, Beyonce, Wizkid and the other MTV stars? Would you leave your child to be trained by Tonto Dikeh, Mercy Johnson and our Nollywood actresses? These people are paid to entertain and NOT to train up your kids so don’t even think about blaming them!
Sigh…really should your child get first hand knowledge about life, sex and love from their peers, social media and GOOGLE?
The funny thing is, if you remove these ‘contaminants’ from them without filling the void with love and constructive replacements, you’ll have a bunch of kids who pretend, just to keep you happy but can’t wait to experience the world every chance they get. Sigh…

I think rather than blaming the media and the world at large, every parent ought to take a stand to bring up their child in a way that would make him or her an adult they would be proud of. Parents need to make sure their children get the required moral, cultural, religious and social training they need and it’s NOT enough to discipline and deprive these children, practise what you preach, be interested in their activities, give them love and attention and keep them in your prayers. There’s no middle ground here. You either take an interest in your child’s development or the world will do it for you. There’s more to being a parent than just putting food on the table. God help us all…

Children are our future, I want a bright future, do you?

Have a great day chutzpah fam.
Xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Hall of Fame, Inspirational

 

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My Chemical Romance

    A long time ago, people didn’t marry who they loved, they loved who they married…

Sounds like a really, really, really long time ago right? But so many things have gone wrong in our world, and amidst the wars, destruction, economical crises and famine, there’s a new scourge. One that was such a shocker in times past but is now almost like pure water. Divorce!

People don’t plan to get divorced or so they think but what I’ve always pointed out is that you don’t get a brain transplant after you say ‘I do’.

In our grand parent’s time, there weren’t things like relationships in the way we look at it today. There were courtships. A man looked and looked, till he saw what he wanted and then courted her for an acceptable period and then they got married and after that, however she turned out, he was stuck with her. He sometimes added a new wife but never ever disposed of the former unless she was adulterous or tried to kill him. 🙂

Courtship wasn’t a trial and error phase. It wasn’t a time to test the goods and after eating half the food on the plate, reject the meal that was served. No! Courtship was a time to prepare for a life together. To get acquainted with each other’s families, to become your intended’s friend, to develop a love that was a product of a decision already made. They weren’t hasty, no. They did their homework, asking people who interacted with the woman about her because back in the days, men were wise… They knew that a woman who was openly being courted would hide her flaws and mask her true nature.They knew better than to try and discover her true character for themselves. Instead they watched her from afar, let her be in her natural habitat, saw her relationship with the world. And if they liked what they saw, they made a move.

The women had many suitors, they’d stand and talk for hours and though the men begged for a little more of their time and affection, they carefully guarded their hearts till they found one that they could trust. They asked questions, they sought counsel. They watched him at work and watched him at play. Wanting to be sure that he was a man they could love and submit to, a man worthy of their respect. There was no compulsion to tell the world that they belonged to a man who had not made his intentions clear or known. Being his ‘girlfriend’ was not a craved-for title. They selected a partner based on what was important to them. If their heart was set on material things, then they picked the wealthiest of the lot and if their heart was a romantic one, they picked the one who made their heart glad but it was a process. And it was made very clear to them that they had to stick to their decision.

Fast forward to the 21st century…men and women are in a constant hurry. A man picks a woman based on three things. Her looks, the sexual chemistry and the facade she puts up as her personality. He doesn’t care to dig deeper before he commences because he either isn’t ready for a long term commitment or feels that if she is all wrong, he can start over like a great gamble till he finally gets lucky. Even when he asks about her, the questions would not make it into a standard personality assessment test. They questions are cliche…What do you do for fun? What are your likes and dislikes? What turns you on? What’s your Biodata? Every sharp woman knows the sensible answers to these questions. I could morph from reverend sister to intelligent nerd to fun, feisty girl at the drop of a hat depending on who or what was at stake. All eyes on the prize! Women are no better. When money isn’t our driving factor, then we focus on his looks and even when we claim a depth above the average woman and focus on his character, our limited senses don’t unravel even a hair’s breath of information about a new beau before we jump in, head first. And we have a perfect excuse for our foolhardy haste….an entity called LOVE 🙂

People say ‘you cannot help who you fall in love with‘ and yes you cannot help the release of endorphins from your brain or the Oxytocin that gives you butterflies…These hormones work in sync with your limbic system, giving you the ‘high’ we call love. But where is that love some months down the line when you cannot stand to look at your ex? or when you walk away from a woman you once claimed to love, without batting an eyelid? If truly we have progressed over the centuries and developed a society that makes love the guiding principle for its copulation rather than a pairing of people with similar structural and social encoding then why is divorce so rampant? Could it be that a chemical romance parading as sexual attraction has totally redefined what we call love? Why risk all on a love that could in time, change to indifference and hate if subjected to the right amount of pressure?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to be with someone whom you had developed a genuine friendship with, one who knew you in and out, your flaws and virtues and then allowed the love to blossom? Than to love a perfect stranger only to realize you couldn’t live with his/her flaws. When a person takes his time, it is assumed that he is dull,has options, or too much shakara. Everyone is quick to swallow the eager fish only to be in agony when the bones get stuck in their throat. The average woman has dated four men by the time she is married and slept with a bit more than that. Every time she changed relationships, the excuses were the same. He cheated or they weren’t feeling the love anymore or they grew apart or there were storms they couldn’t weather or she discovered something new about him she couldn’t live with etc. We do the same thing every time but expect a different outcome. And then she gets married, already used to leaving at the first sign of trouble and you expect it will be different this time? Marriage isn’t much different, the storms are pretty much the same, the only difference is you can’t jump ship when there’s a storm. Seems like everyone is forgetting this. The men even more than the women. Now pastors are getting divorced, senators are getting divorced, beggars are getting divorced… Haba! Only celebrities used to get divorced back in the day…

Here are the top ten reasons for divorce worldwide:

– Disagreements on financial issues concerning bills, debts, spending, budgets, savings and wife’s earnings.

– Inability to discuss/disagree/dialogue without conflict/misunderstandings/boredom. Poor communication prior to marriage will escalate after tying the knot.

– Problems with sexual frequency, quality, and infidelity. Sex before marriage to ‘test the goods’ has not been shown to reduce this in anyway.

– Physical, Psychological, or Emotional Abuse towards spouse or children.

– Growing distant, disinterested, and eventually bored with each other. This often occurs if you were never friends and have nothing in common except the love you share. When the love wanes you find yourself cohabiting with a stranger.

– Differences in ethnicity, religion and culture. Couples may find themselves being pressured by the expectations of their spouse, or their spouse’s family to conform to the ideals of the other.

Disputes over the appropriate upbringing of a child. If you were brought up by indulging parents and your spouse was brought up by disciplinarians, your child rearing styles may clash and be criticized.

– Addictions; An addiction is an acquired compulsion to repeatedly engage in an activity, putting it before everything else, to the point that it negatively affects other priorities and prevents you from spending quality time together. It may include food, gambling, drugs and alcohol, the Internet, games, porn, your career/job, religious activities, partying, football etc

– Disillusionment: The ability to adapt to changes in married life often depends on having realistic expectations about a spouse and the marriage relationship itself. It is common for disillusionment to set in when romantic or other unrealistic expectations are not met. Marriage is not an escape from your life or a ticket out of poverty, like all beds of roses, it has its thorns.

– Personality clashes: marriage seems to amplify faults and personality incompatibilities may lead to a divorce.

If you have these areas covered before jumping in, it could save you a divorce and eventually, less children will suffer the psychological effects of a broken home. Patience is key, it is better to study a person well before committing. Hurrying into a relationship will lead to more heartbreaks and result in more cases of commitment phobia. Take your time, Do your homework! Save a marriage today! 🙂

Have a bomb-free week and a fabulous holiday….xoxoxo 😉

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Relationships

 

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