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10 personal lessons 5 years of marriage have taught me (2)

I am back again with more life lessons straight from ze oda room!

Here’s the second thing I learned…

2. You can’t make a man stay faithful

When I got married, despite the fact that I was lucky enough to actually marry my friend, I still went through the paranoia that many new brides go through. Marriage isn’t the most successful institution there is, and there’s so much media sensationalism about the ills of marriage that even when you feel fortunate to have married a good man, you are rife with the fear of the unknown. It didn’t help that he had moved me to a new town far removed from my comfort zone and with far more opportunities to entertain worrisome thoughts. 

First of, I became Inspector Gadget, checking and double checking every social and business convo on every possible platform he had and I can tell you, it’s easy to get obsessed for you see, the less I found, the more I was convinced that he was hiding something and was just one step ahead of me. I started doubting that I had actually been one of the fortunate ones. 

Next I started praying. Not the healthy kind of prayers you are encouraged to offer for your home but the kind that’s centered around imaginary strange women dying by fire. And the more I said these prayers, the more my paranoia grew. At this point I had almost worn hubby down with the constant inquisitions and  policing. Sometimes he actually got upset but more often than not he patiently reassured me of his commitment and love. 

Then I decided to apply some Isoko sense. If a woman greeted my husband before me while we were standing together or apparently fawned over him in the least bit she was put on the watch list and hubby would be almost certain of the interrogation to follow. I was careful of making female friends and also made sure I was at his side practically all the time even when I would rather skip the event and stay home watching series. 

These were trying times birthed by an overactive imagination and an earful of marriage horror stories. In reality, hubby had not given me even the slightest reason to doubt him. It seemed the drama queen in me was punishing him for the sins of his gender. The funny thing was I had no concrete plan for what I’d do if I actually caught him cheating. Sometimes I allowed myself wonder about it. Would I leave or forgive? How would I make him pay? Would I relocate with no forwarding address or do some revenge cheating? So many women go snooping with no idea about what their next move would be if they found what they were actually looking for.

Five things happened to me in close succession that helped me slay the fear of the unknown before it hurt my marriage…

I. I remembered something a class mate of mine said. He once argued that if you kept accusing a good man of cheating when he was making a great effort to stay faithful, one day he would stop giving a f*ck about making an effort and just cheat since whether he did or didn’t do it, he had already been judged guilty and was in his opinion, already being punished.

2. A friend of mine advised me to block the negativity. These words were etched in gold. I was consuming unhealthy daily doses of marriages gone bad on social media and when I saw how seemingly united the couples were before it all fell apart, I started feeling like why would my case now be different. I was aligning with negativity and it was affecting my psyche. The more negativity I devoured the more I forgot about the beautiful albeit not perfect, long lasting marriages that surrounded me. Both hubby’s parents and mine had been together for over 35 years but these marriages and many other great ones, never made it to social media headlines so we ended up focusing on bad news.

3. My husband and I made some meaningful friends. There’s nothing like being friends with other couples who are traveling the same  path that you are on. Iron sharpeneth iron and they make great accountability partners. A person is more likely to cheat if his/her closest friends don’t see it as a big deal or even unwittingly encourage it. The friends we made had marriages we admired and they served as role models in little ways that made a difference.

4. I read somewhere that a man would stay faithful not because you were the best, most beautiful, sexiest or most virtuous wife but because of his fear of God and his commitment to the marriage covenant. It made perfect sense to me because I never for once supported the popular belief that a man would cheat because his wife was fat, unattractive, a nag, abusive, dirty, a poor cook or lazy in bed. I had seen marriages where the wife excelled in all aspects and still lost her husband to a woman who wouldn’t ordinarily be able to compete with her and I had seen marriages where the man stayed loving and devoted to a wife who was outwardly less than stellar. 

Making the man fully accountable for his fidelity made so much sense however I realized that since men were as human as we were, choosing to be any of the above could ultimately give them the justification they required to appease their conscience after they decided to cheat so I still had a role to play…basically to be the best I could be so that he was robbed of any moral justification to do me wrong. That seemed like a more achievable plan than trying to bend his will or threaten him into fidelity. 

…do the best you can and be the best you can, the choice to cheat lies in his hands but don’t let him use you as his excuse…

5. I learned the right way to pray for my marriage. Speaking positivity into it each and every day and confessing simple bible scriptures that were marriage related but didn’t border on suspicion or warfare. 

With time, I retired from the marriage police force and actually began to enjoy my marriage believing that since God was the center of it all and He had promised that His thoughts for me were thoughts of peace and not evil to give me a future and a hope, I would definitely be alright…

So here’s lesson number 2 in a nutshell: 

Nothing you can do or say has that ultimate power, he simply chooses to remain faithful (or not). You can only make the choice easier to make! 

Don’t give yourself unnecessary hypertension, life is too short.

Have a beautiful day Chutzpah fam and watchout for the third lesson tomorrow.

xoxo

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2017 in Inspirational

 

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Smart Dating!


It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.

So cliché…

So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!

1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough. 

2. Three strikes and he is out

A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.

3. No unprotected sex ever

Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!

4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat

If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!

5. Guard your heart

Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.

6. Stick to the plan

A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!

7. Reverse dating

Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead! 

8. Set standards

If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!

9. Be your own hero

Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.

10. Have a solid back up plan

So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100% 

So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;

1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof. 

2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!

3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.

4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!

5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!

Rant over.

Xxx

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2017 in Relationships

 

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The Element of Surprise!

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A friend of mine turned 30 a couple of days ago and her husband threw her a nice surprise party. Now this friend of mine is a sharp babe and shed tears when she walked into her surprise gig. They were tears of joy and gratitude yes but also big, fat tears of “can you imagine, I had absolutely no clue!” It got me thinking about all the other surprise parties I’d ever been too, mine inclusive and how the celebrants would snoop and investigate and try to unravel the plans before the big day and then be fully convinced that there were no such plans and resign themselves to a less than extraordinary birthday only to be blown away when everyone shouted SURPRISE! And in my usual way I began to connect the dots only I could see…

Some years before, at another party, there had been a debate on whether snooping around for evidence of infidelity was worth it. There were two very obvious schools of thought. The first school of thought was championed by my friend ‘I’ who announced that her husband’s phone was off limits to her and hers was likewise off limits to him. Then there was my other friend ‘Ç’ who announced that doing that was like burying your head in the sand like an ostrich that before you knew it he would have paid bride price for wife number 2! Then there was my friend ‘F’who vehemently insisted that if you so much as saw her boyfriend in what seemed to be a compromising position even if you had no proof she wanted to know immediately while my friend ‘M’ didn’t want any bearers of bad news coming near her because people were fast to focus on other people’s drama while ignoring theirs. It was a very interesting argument with all parties having very valid points depending on your perspective.

Now how does this tie up with my earlier line of thought? Well just imagine how painstakingly a devoted husband, boyfriend or friend plans your surprise party without you having a clue (of course we know some are terrible at that sort of thing and always get found out whether it’s a party or an affair) and even with your sixth sense, woman’s instincts, snooping, stalking, trailing and numerous set traps you still are utterly surprised on D-day, well same applies to relationships were fidelity is concerned. If he is faithful then you are blessed among women but if he isn’t, regardless of whether he is a first timer, occasional cheat or chronic womaniser, most men would tell you that all that really matters is if he cares about getting caught or if he doesn’t! If he cares about getting caught either because he loves or fears you, he will cover his tracks as stealthily and successfully as he plans your surprise birthday!

I once heard a man confess to having a ‘bae phone’ which was always switched off after work hours and hidden somewhere in his car, his other phone was his official line and wifey who was chairman of the snoop committee prided herself on how squeaky clean his phone was; no inappropriate sms, email or social media messages! If he hadn’t confessed, perhaps it would be at his funeral that his wife would get the surprise of her life (you know how offspring seem to magically appear when it’s time to read the will). Many men would just lock up their phones instead of going through the trouble of having a secret phone, not because they are cheating per se but because like my friend ‘O’ says, the desire to cheat or stay faithful should be within their power without someone misinterpreting every single sms! A friend of mine gave her man tit for tat by locking her phone, the dude almost had a heart-attack (why are guys so deathly afraid of their women cheating? LOL). They eventually called for a truce, no passwords or locks on any devices! Now back to the second thing that really matters, if he doesn’t care about getting caught, you’d most likely catch him without much stress and he’d be way less remorseful than if he was just a terrible cheat who couldn’t plan a surprise to save his life!

Now I understand why some people are so afraid of surprises! It isn’t half-bad though, consider the fact that you are blissfully unaware for as long as it takes for the surprise to unravel and it could take years and who knows, he just might have a change of heart along the line and kiss his bad boy ways good bye and you’d be spared the surprise of your life! (that’s why you should never boast about your marriage or relationship, rejoice and be thankful for the good you enjoy because some times you are unaware of battles fought and won or even lost!) For those who throw one heck of a surprise party, I can only say may your surprises always be good ones! (before you give someone a heart attack).

So would you snoop around your partner’s phone, emails and social media or would you not?
And if your partner was seen in a compromising position would you want to know or not know?

I haven’t picked a side yet and would love to hear from those who have!
Cheerio chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Married men who cheat & the women who love them…

Hey Chutzpah fam,
Long time no see ay? Forgive me. I have written so many blog posts in my head but my hands seem too busy to spare a few minutes to put my thoughts on paper. However I just had to talk about this…

In quick succession, I was fed gist about two women who will probably never meet but who shared a common plight- they had unwittingly given their hearts to married men. These single women waiting on God for a spouse had been hoodwinked by worldly wise very unavailable men and needed serious help.

Scenario no 1.
Married man says his marriage was a mistake, wife is a succubus from hell and that girl A is his one true love. They have been together for a while but anytime girl A threatens to leave him if he doesn’t divorce his wife he begs for more time with tears in his eyes yet till date he has not made a move to leave said wife save for his 101 ever fresh excuses.

Scenario no 2.
Girl B meets the man of her dreams. He proposes after two months and life is such a dream. She is a bit skeptical about his true intentions because she has had some nasty man-trouble in the past but after dating for two years- without sex, she is convinced that he is the one. She agrees to meet his people to plan an introduction with her family and then suddenly he drops the hiroshima- dude is married with a kid!

WTF?

Yea I spoke a lot of French too when I heard scenario 2. I was tempted to sing the ‘men are so wicked’ dirge but instead started thanking God babe no. 2 found out prior to her wedding cos I know someone who found out during the naming ceremony of her kid that her husband had another family.

So what do married men really want from the fresh succulent babes that their eyes gaze upon lustfully everyday?

I am not writing this post from the vantage point of the wife who views every single woman as a threat or from the opinion pool of those who believe married men are seduced by Jezebels that walk the street with a singular mission. No I am writing this post for that innocent or not so innocent girl who is about to fall prey to a married man. There are a few things you need to know so keep reading.

  1. There are three types of married men on the streets
  2. There are three types of wives they leave at home
  3. There are three types of women who fall prey to a married man.

Yes today’s post is about boxes! Even though I must admit that there will be exceptions but a wise man once said that there is nothing new under the sun and most cases would fall into the categories listed above!

The 3 types of married men:
All three groups of men string women along with the promise of marriage. So the fact that he says he will marry you doesn’t mean much. You definitely can’t take it to the bank!
Type 1- Fruit salad husband: He feels the concept of fidelity was not created for men. He cheats because he is bored and wants a bit of fun or the thrill of a new conquest. He is all for the sex and would not make empty promises but if the sex was really good or the chase particularly thrilling he might go the extra mile with flowery words and expensive deeds to bed his newest conquest but this man loves or wants his wife and family and is not looking for a replacement.

Type 2- Fed up husband- his marriage is actually going badly and this might not be entirely his fault. He is desperate for a way out and might get easily infatuated with a woman who seems to be the exact opposite of the wife who seems to be the sum total of all his problems in life. However if you are the object of his infatuation tread lightly because once his marriage ceases to be a problem either because he has found a way to resolve issues with his wife or has gotten a divorce, he would exhale, act like he is seeing clearly for the first time and leave you in the lurch regardless of the long promises of undying love given to you in his hour of need. They call it temporary insanity and the poor chick becomes collateral damage.

Type 3- Husband squared- this man at some point in his life decided he wanted a second wife and may plot his way into acquiring one. Usually he keeps both iyale and prospective iyawo in the dark till things begin to fall into place. Meaning that he would be a loving husband to iyale and a psuedo-single Mr Perfect to prospective iyawo till he has her heart and then when he knows the love has penetrated her medulla oblongata, he either confesses with tears in his eyes, an engagement ring and a sweeping romantic gesture or he keeps up the charade till after marriage number two when both women accidentally find out they have been played.

Enough said! I really didn’t plan for this to be a lengthy post so I would move on to the three types of wives these men leave at home.

  1. The good wife- she looks good, acts right, bore him beautiful offspring, is supportive, gives great sex and may not be perfect but she ticks most boxes on his list.
    Why you should be afraid of her:

– he knows what he has and wouldn’t trade it for the world so no matter how good it gets, he isn’t going to put a ring on it
– she just might have prayer warrior on her resume meaning that at some point in your life, MFM fire and Karma pepper will worry you bad bad. 😉

  1. The bad wife: She might have one or all of these traits- Bad cook, nag, quarrelsome, lazy, dirty, asexual, unsexy etc
    Why you should be afraid of her:

– she wouldn’t hesitate to beat shege out of you if she catches you with her husband after all she doesn’t have much else to lose
– all she needs to do to get his attention is to do away with the bad traits which puts you and your seeming perfection on shaky ground

  1. The blackmailing wife: whether she is a good wife or a bad one hardly matters at this point. She has something he needs desperately. It could be money, rights to his kids or being privy to a secret that he would rather the world didn’t know. It could even be something else. The point is she has a hold over him that transcends love and the vows of marriage.
    Why you should be afraid of her:

– her husband, your darling beau is afraid of her
– she calls the shots, he would dump you in a heart beat if she so much as hinted at it. She is the oga of your oga!

And finally the three types of women who fall prey to a married man:

  1. The good girl who didn’t do her homework: when you meet the man of your dreams spend less time day dreaming and more time investigating his background. There are certain types of surprises a man should not spring on you in the course of a relationship. How on earth didn’t you know he was married in this time of social media and high profile aproko friends? You did not do your homework girl!

  2. The ojukokoro woman: the one who wants to run before she can walk. Married men seem like the complete package abi? Responsible, financially stable, good in bed, handsome etc. They were once hustling single men and the honest ones attribute a great part of their success to the one woman who stood by them and prayed for them and encouraged them- wifey! Now you don’t want to work like wifey did but you want to twerk your way into wifey’s inheritance abi? Obviously you don’t like yourself. The Yoruba movie industry is booming today because of stories about girls like you. Awoof dey run bele sha…

  3. The Hollywood lover: what are marriage vows in the face of passion and true love? What are broken homes except a chance for a change of government to mend and improve them? That’s their philosophy. Nothing stops them, no fish in the sea is sacred. They don’t do it for the money neither are they sent from the underworld, they are just sensuous, narcissistic illusionists who feel that love truly covers all wrongs. They love like the movies preferring to see the married man as a lost puppy who needs to be rescued from his sad life and burdensome marriage. They dream of running away together and leaving behind any form of responsibility regardless of the body count…sometimes they get hit by reality but sometimes they hit someone else’s reality in close range.

This about sums it up. Married men and the women who love them…

P.S: A note to married women- if you suspect your husband is being unfaithful you need to do these three things before you even decide to tackle the issue in a confrontational manner:

  1. Protect yourself- STDs and HIV make the pain of infidelity a much bitter pill to swallow.
  2. Have a contingency plan: get a job, gather money, start acquiring property. Do not be the unfortunate wife who was left penniless, jobless, homeless and hungry after her husband found a new love interest.
  3. Take a critical look at yourself: did any of your actions contribute to your man straying? Do you need to lose weight or dress sexier or learn some new tricks?

And most importantly pray…God takes the marriage vow very seriously. I didn’t include prayer in the initial three because prayer should be an essential part of your lifestyle whether you are single or married!

Happy International women’s day Chutzpah fam, stay strong and united. There are some marriages that are still thriving because a single woman said no to a married man!!!

Have a fantastic week,
Xoxoxo 😉 😉

 
19 Comments

Posted by on March 8, 2015 in Relationships

 

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Relationships, double standards and some things between…by Joseph Eziashi

Relationships, double standards and some things between…by Joseph Eziashi

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A post by one of our guest bloggers. The guys will definitely love this post… 😉

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A few words about me before I delve into today’s post; I am not a relationship expert, Lord no! I have a lot of friends who have experienced a lot and therefore have a lot of stories to share. Also if you tell me a story Mr A told you, about something Mr B witnessed, that happened to Mr C, know that when I retell the story, Mr C will be my friend. I like to eliminate middle men and also, Mr C could really be a friend, we just haven’t established it yet.

That’s all.

One more thing, until proven otherwise, my opinion is fact…in this column.

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So my friend has this girlfriend, they are serious and have been dating for over a year. This girl is pretty, educated, good job, well brought up (what our culture defines it as) and just an all round good girl. They are both of marriageable age but he is stalling. He is stalling because he isn’t sure she’s the one. She’s a good girl and all and would probably make a good wife and mother but according to him, she lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. Recently he met a girl, from the chance meeting; they established their mutual love for the same type of movies, books, music and humour. Now he wants to get to know the girl better. ‘She could be the one,’ he says. To do that, they need to go on dates, and that is cheating. I tell him this and he makes his case. It might not have been water-tight but it had merits. Here’s what he said, basically.

A woman is condemned to have admirers and toasters (most women anyway), be she single, bound by a relationship or even marriage.

For the sake of this post, we’ll focus on the women in relationships.

Now a woman in a relationship, no matter how perfect the relationship may seem, is never averse to a new admirer. As long as there’s a form of attraction, she keeps the line of communication open and remains friends with this guy. She convinces herself it’s innocuous, even if the dude stated his intentions clearly from the beginning. The few naive ones may sometimes go as far as trying to convince their partners that they are just friends. They go on dates with this guy disguised of course as friendly outings. It’s not uncommon to hear statements like:

‘I’m just going to see a movie with a friend/colleague/one guy that has been disturbing me’ (the naive ones again).

‘One of my colleagues/friends/one guy that has been disturbing wants to buy me lunch.’

To a lady, all this is pretty natural. She doesn’t think anything is amiss (or pretends not to think) so has no cause to lower her guard. The guy(s) of course continues to probe, seeking an opening, waiting for cracks to appear. That’s why a girl can receive five cakes on her birthday (two from boyfriend, two from admirers and one from her committee of friends) and see nothing wrong. They just revel in the attention.

Then one day, one day the crack will appear. This innocuous friend becomes a listening ear and voila it’s done. Also, if a girl considers this friend to be a better prospect or thinks for any reason that he could make her happier, she’d go with him, no stories.

I think I’ve been right so far.

Why does the rule have to be different for guys?

As a guy, when you have a girlfriend, you’re expected to be faithful (of course expectation is different from reality but stay with me please). I mean, as a guy you shouldn’t even be interested in another girl. Imagine telling your girlfriend you’re taking a female colleague to see a movie or that you want to buy birthday cake for one friend/colleague/one girl that you have been disturbing like that. Just imagine her reaction. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all.

What I’m saying my ladies – get some pain killers because this will hurt – allow him!

If you walk into a restaurant with that friend/colleague/one guy like that and see him with a girl, don’t get mad and throw tantrums for two reasons. The first is that food isn’t cheap. I don’t care how much you earn but food is not cheap at all. The other day at the market…wait…sorry.

Second reason is that you have no ring yet, harsh it may seem but it’s the truth. Think of a relationship as a road, marriage being the destination. If a man feels he is on the wrong road, he will make a detour, its just the way we (humans) are. You should even be happy because if after he has seen what the world has to offer he still returns to you, it would be with renewed determination.

If he leaves, you dodged a bullet. Bullet as in bullet train because he is going to run faster than that thing on the morning of your wedding if he waits till then to realize you are not the one. You didn’t think all those men who took off suddenly remembered they needed to keep fit did you?

Here’s what I think, and this goes out to everyone, every relationship is an audition of sorts. Let’s say you are in a relationship like my friend above. Your partner is okay but there’s no je ne sais quoi. The relationship has 60% compatibility, how do you maybe find someone better? I’m not saying you should aspire for 100%, I’m not stupid. How do you find you 65, 70 or heck 80% because and you will agree with me, when it comes to relationships, 1% is a huge margin.

So brethren and ‘sistren’,  If you are in a relationship and you feel there’s something missing, be it major or minor (we’ll talk about this some other time) there should be an allowance to look. I’m not saying guys should go chasing after everything in skirt or that ladies should have more body counts than Rambo and Commando combined, I’m just saying once in a while, you’d meet that someone who has the je ne sais quoi (I’ve said this a little too much abi?). You shouldn’t hesitate to know them better (ladies are experts at this). You might find out after one date that it’s just an illusion; you might also find out that…you know…he/she’s the one. Your happiness is paramount and like my Warri friends would say ‘Salvation na per head’.

 

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2014 in Manology

 

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The Truth about Office Romances…

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Have you ever caught yourself smiling sheepishly after your boss walked out of the room? Have you ever admired a work colleague and then found yourself daydreaming about him/her in a manner that caused you to blush? Did you feel bad afterwards and kick yourself in the shin because you are happily married or in a great relationship and in real life you wouldn’t be caught dead making out with a work colleague? Relax, statistics show that a lot of people (a whole lot more than you can imagine) find themselves in such sticky mental jams or how on earth do you think office romances -which by the way are also the most likely to fail- are born?

Here are 5 reasons why your boss or ubercool work colleague could be your number one fantasy:
1. He/She looks well put together: You know that cool, calm, collected look that has your head spinning and your significant other looking like an ‘mgbeke’ from the village? Yes that’s the one.
You may leave the house very early in the morning when your wife is still in her hair net, with no makeup and smelling like yesterday or your boyfriend is walking around with morning breath and yesterday’s boxers and then you step into the corporate world where it’s designer suits, heady perfumes and calm professionalism and you wonder why you weren’t lucky enough to bag one of those hotties at your work place before you met your significant other.

You might want to reconsider that last thought.

What you perceive of an individual at the work place is only about 15% of that person’s actual self. There are preset images, perceptions, language, culture and work ethics that majority of people know they have to conform to from 9-5. Don’t be fooled by the facade.

Your uber cool work colleague could be the mother of all slobs at home! #fact

2. He/She is so easy to talk to and you guys seem to have so much in common. Again this is an unfair comparison. The workplace brings an air of solidarity but be warned that you do not read more meaning into it than it’s worth. Anyone even an axe murderer or the most socially inept fellow you can think of would be easy to talk to if you spent 8 hours with the fella every blessed day. Throw in the unity that working for the same mean boss or corporation brings and one or two shared office projects and he/she begins to look like your soul mate.

Thing is, you left your soul mate, the real one- at home this morning with barely a parting shot because you were running late for work and you get home cranky and tired and making conversation is the last thing you wanna do so eventually it becomes a case of out of sight, out of mind and vice versa.

3. He/She understands you better than your significant other. They notice when you are feeling down or when you had your hair done or when you lose some weight. They totally feel your taste in music and will do all those silly things your man or woman doesn’t have time for and did I add they are your best movie buddies and don’t forget TGIF! Of course he/she understands you more but do they understand that when your allergies act up, you need to lie on your side and drink hot peppersoup? Do they understand how you get afraid of the dark because when you were a kid your nanny locked you in the closet one too many times or how you had to hustle to pay your way to school. The list is endless, the truth is what actually counts?

Would that person who seems like such a rock still be there for you if you lost your job, all your money and all your swag? Hmmmmm

4. He/She is so sexy and toned and looks like they would be awesome in bed. Calm down bae, take a deep breath. I know your man or woman is packing on the pounds and isn’t looking so sexy anymore but life is much more than twenty minutes of great sex with a hunky work colleague. What happens when you are all spent and able to see clearly again? How do you walk away from the mess you have made when your brain has suddenly been unclogged and the ‘agro’ has evaporated to whence it came?

A wise man once said don’t eat where you shit (and vice versa). Sleeping with a work colleague is wrong on so many levels. Statistics show it never ever ends well. What happens to the boo you have cheated on emotionally or physically and the awesome work colleague whose awesomeness evaporated the minute you realized he had a small weiner and came in half a minute? You can’t turn back the hands of time unfortunately and you are left with guilt and sometimes much worse (Did somebody say chlamydia?)

Again I say, don’t eat where you shit!

5. He/She is so smart. They understand spreadsheets and work deadlines and strategy. Stuff your boo will never understand but then again your boo is an engineer and you are an accountant and there is a reason you never dated an accountant back in the University right? Your mate doesn’t have to know the nitty gritty of the work you do. What’s really important is the empathy, support and comfort a mate gives. How smart is your work colleague outside his/her sphere of influence? Don’t be myopic, think about how smart you thought your mate was, the very first time you fell in love. This sort of love is such a fickle emotion. Your mate hasn’t gotten duller, you have only just lost sight of the bigger picture and you are focusing on the world that is Tanxo corporation.

Having someone who you can talk about your day to, one who truly understands the sort of day you had probably because he/she experienced it too or is in the same field as you are can be such a turn on but this is just one of the hazards of the work environment. Finding a way around this is a must unless you are a single guy/girl looking to hook up with a work colleague. If you are not single then you need to get a grip on reality and realize that there really is a life outside the office that is more important than the one you live behind those doors.

Just like your job is one broken contract away from unemployment, your relationship is one broken contract away from singledom. You need to take stock and decide for good if the opportunity cost (that hunky dude that sits in the next office or that secretary with her too short skirt and perky boobs) is worth the risk.

Terms and conditions apply….

Have a great evening Chutzpah fam,
xoxoxo

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Posted by on July 9, 2014 in Relationships

 

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