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Smart Dating!


It’s 2017 and it’s a crazy world out there. First it’s the stress of getting noticed in a sea of bleached, Brazilian-haired, makeup on fleek, skinny but thick perfection and then you finally get noticed and spend a greater part of the relationship wondering if he’s the real deal or just another f**k boy cum Yoruba demon who is gonna land you on Joro’s page with yet another sob story and through it all you are not even sure if you are the side chick or his main (or only) squeeze.

So cliché…

So how do you date smart in the 21st century? A relationship that works for you, a man who is decent and honest and is actually dating you with long term goals in mind…Sounds like a myth for so many but these cut throat tips will guide you!

1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

If your heart is for John but he is acting like a f**k boy, give Peter a chance, he just might be your diamond in the rough. 

2. Three strikes and he is out

A bad boyfriend makes a helluva husband so if he hurts you once regardless of what it is, that’s strike one. Three strikes and he is gone but don’t be petty, those strikes have to be real boundary crossers.

3. No unprotected sex ever

Being his baby mama won’t tie him down, getting an STD/HIV from him won’t show you are loyal and aborting his babies won’t get you your happily ever after so zip up or stay protected. No sentiments!

4. Don’t smell what you can’t eat

If his flirting is making you mad, get the hell out of there before flirtation turns to infidelity and your madness becomes mayhem. If he is badly behaved it’s because you let him get away with it!

5. Guard your heart

Not every f**k boy deserves your time or attention much less your heart regardless of how fine or loaded he is. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves, make him work for it, that’s the only way you’ll tire out the time wasters before you become the casualty.

6. Stick to the plan

A fling is a fling, a date is a date, no strings attached is no strings attached, we’ll see how this goes is we’ll see how this goes!!! A man knows in the first week what exactly he wants from you and that’s not gonna change so stop hoping time will change the situation. If his plan isn’t in sync with yours, then get a move on it!

7. Reverse dating

Stop dating your type! What have the fine boys you dated gotten you? Heartbreaks and more heartbreaks and yet you keep repeating your silly mantra- he has to be fine, rich and a bad boy. Why don’t you try OK looking, ambitious and treats you like a queen? That’s what Beyoncé chose and see where it got her. Date the guy you’d ordinarily put in the friend’s zone and put the guys you usually date there instead! 

8. Set standards

If you are gonna willingly be a side chick, don’t cry out when you finally have a man of your own and some side chick 10 years younger is making him eat out of her hand. It’s called karma babe. And if you are gonna chase after men for money, don’t get mad if your innocent boyfriend doesn’t take you seriously when you are finally ready to settle down and if that doesn’t describe you let me drive it home, if you wanna be treated like a queen then act like a queen. A man would always treat you the way he senses you think you should be treated so if he is constantly treating you wrong, you might wanna check your standards and self-esteem. Set some standards girl!

9. Be your own hero

Make your own money, have a career or a business, have a future that doesn’t involve your man or any other man. Be your own hero so that with or without a man, you are the best version of yourself. Men prey on women who would believe or do anything for a dime or some loubs. Don’t be that girl, let him know his money doesn’t mean sh*t if his heart isn’t into it too.

10. Have a solid back up plan

So you’ve been dating him for 4 years, what would you do if he suddenly cheated or dumped you or you found out he had impregnated or proposed to another woman? Would your life be over? Girl where’s your back up plan? Feel free to make it as elaborate as you can muster. Perhaps commencing a master’s program abroad that you put on hold or finally saying yes to the cute but shy brother who has been hanging around for years hoping to catch your heart. A backup plan isn’t an elaborate revenge plot, no it’s a guarantee that no matter what curve ball life throws at you, you bounce back 100% 

So there it is, but before I sign out let me add this;

1. Don’t go snooping in his DMs, trust your instincts. Every woman who caught her man cheating already suspected he probably was and only needed to confirm. If your instincts are already telling you something start looking for a remedy instead of proof. 

2. Don’t be all up in his face. If you like him still treat him like you do the guys in your friend’s zone, after all those guys keep coming back for a reason. Showing a guy who likes you perhaps a little that you like him a whole lot more kills the thrill of the chase for him and he draws back, gets lazy and ends up not appreciating you. For some it’s an immediate turn off so slow your role babe!

3. There are three types of guys in the world- the rich guy, the ambitious, work hard or work smart guy and the lazy guy. The ambitious and lazy guys could be broke today but only one will be broke tomorrow (Mr Lazybones). The rich dude on the other hand could lose all he has by a stroke of ill luck and then you’d get to see if he was actually, deep down an ambitious guy (meaning he’d bounce back) or Lazybones! Bear that in mind when man hunting.

4. There are men everywhere! If you are chronically single it’s because your senses are only trained to see men who fall within your specs and those men are probably not seeing you. Look intently around you, a bunch of people find you attractive but you’ve friend-zoned them all to create space for Mr Specs! Go to that shelf and take a good look at those men, seriously consider each one. We attract what we are inside!

5. Don’t be moved by pet names, PDA, family acceptance, expensive gifts, flowery words or promise rings, if you still have that niggling feeling of doubt in your gut then it’s only a matter of time till the cookie crumbles!

Rant over.

Xxx

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2017 in Relationships

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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10 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Baby Mama Drama: The 411 about dating a man with kids!

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Good men are hard to find so what do you do when the good man you found has kids from a previous relationship or marriage and a very disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or simply put baby mama? Women all over the world will testify that it’s easier to date a man with kids when the mother of those kids is dead, on Mars or happily married but only a few women are that lucky.
So what do you do? You love this man and you know he could be the one but all that’s ringing in your head is the negativity that comes with poking your head into baby mama drama and your worldly wise friends keep telling you it’s no big deal (Same friends who encouraged you to stalk and beat up the chick your last man was cheating on you with). Well for the peace-loving, drama free lady, this is a big deal! You close your eyes and imagine the kids warming up to you like they did to Fraulein Maria in the Sounds of Music and hope their mother will just disappear but the reality is that kids don’t just warm up to daddy’s new love interest (unless they are very little) and baby mama’s wage a new war when there is a new woman on the scene (they fear that the man will use her as an excuse to run from his responsibilities)!
Here are five points to help you deal with this situation:
(In no particular order)
1. Set boundaries: Okafor’s law states that; if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in…), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover etc). [Culled from the urban dictionary].
This means that there’s a high possibility that your man was still sleeping with his baby mama howbeit occasionally before he met you. He and his baby mama are used to acting a certain way towards each other and the first thing you need to do is set boundaries. Baby mama needs to realize that there’s a new woman on the scene and that even though your man will still be available for his kids, he will cease to be available for her emotional/sexual needs and whims any longer.
2. Conflict resolution: A friend of mine dated a man years ago who had a baby mama and a kid and at the start of the relationship the man was not on speaking terms with his baby mama, had never even seen his child although he admitted the child was his and had never given a dime for child support. The first thing my friend had to do was work on her man and get him to extend an olive branch and step up to his responsibilities (it wasn’t a small task). She never got any trouble from the baby mama throughout the relationship because the baby mama clearly saw the positive changes in the man and was grateful for the help. Today the guy has a strong bond with his daughter which would not have been there if my friend hadn’t helped resolve the conflict.
3. Develop a relationship with his kids: Don’t be the aunty who is only nice to the kids when daddy is watching. Kids can smell a fake a mile away. Also don’t be the aunty who they only see when they see daddy. Spend some time alone with the kids, be nice, buy them stuff but don’t be a pushover. Kids can be bullies too and if they sense that you really need daddy’s approval, you may end up jumping to their every whim. Love them like you would love your own because one day they might be half yours. Lastly if the kids have a favorite aunt or uncle, make friends with the person. They are more likely to trust you if they see that the person trusts you too and never ever bad mouth their mum.
4. Avoid personal contact with his baby mama: You don’t need to be all up in her face. The less she sees of you the better. Quell the urge to seek her out or talk to her. Don’t feel like you are sizing up the competition. He chose you not her and being secure about your position in his life and heart will take away the joker she thinks she has. And if you do meet her, be cordial but firm. No fighting for whatever reason, walk away. If she disrespects you, talk to your man and have him take care of it. If he loves and respects you, he will protect you.
5. Don’t make his baby mama an issue: Always punctuating your sentences with baby mama this and baby mama that and how he already has a ready-made family etc. is going to wear your relationship thin in a hurry. Men want peace and this sort of behavior spells insecurity. By constantly reminding him of his baby mama you make her important and soon he will be thinking of her just as often as you do which would spell disaster for your relationship especially if she is still available. Don’t try to be like her or compete with her. He knew of her existence long before he asked you to be his woman. R-E-L-A-X and most importantly stay prayerful!!!

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
19 Comments

Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Relationships

 

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Ten Reasons He won’t marry you part 2.

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It’s a few days to the new year and Lord knows getting a man tops your to do list for 2014. You have done all it takes or at least been sorely tempted to, READ  HERE if you doubt that. But the truth is that just when you think he is gonna be the one, he does something wacko and while you are still wrapping your head around whether he deserves your forgiveness or not you get the memo that he is walking down the aisle with some young woman he just met! Why is it hard to find a good man? Why do the men misbehave so badly and then suddenly hang up their boots and pledge undying love and fidelity to a new woman who hasn’t worked half as hard as you have or put up with half as much sh*t as you have? Why is life totally unfair? Does it even pay to work hard at changing a man when he is gonna just run away and be the better man with some undeserving female? My friend Dee gritted her teeth when she read part 1 of the ten reasons he wouldn’t marry her and she and the other women I spoke to had lots to say.

In their opinion, these are the TEN reasons why men do not give you an engagement ring when they know how much you want and deserve one.

1. He doesn’t think you appreciate the huge favor he is doing by marrying you: A man is expected to hang up his boots, have a monogamous sex life, provide financially for the upkeep of a home and make decisions and to him it’s like the mother of all sacrifices. He forgets the wife has to cook, clean, keep a job, carry a baby and yet still look sexy, raise kids, keep a home, nurture him…heck the list is endless and as far as Dee is concerned a man doesn’t marry you because for some reason you don’t realise what a huge favor he is doing you when he pops the question and he refuses to propose to a girl who doesn’t appreciate that or who isn’t worthy (doesn’t mean he won’t date her though).

2. He wants a younger babe: F believes that the longer you date a man the less likely he is to pop the question. Growing old with him in a relationship is not the same as growing old together in a marriage. In a relationship the babe gets stale after a while and soon the dude thinks it is his right to have a sexy, young woman at his side after all *cough cough he is a young man! Soon he spots a college hottie and you are history!

3. See finish: R is convinced that her man had ‘seen her finish’ which is why he didn’t marry her. See finish means he has seen all there is to see about you. He knows you so well that he can predict your every move and write epistles on your flaws both real and imagined. For a woman, see finish makes you feel comfy like you really are a couple but for a man, it spells only one word ‘BORING’ and soon he is blowing your faults out of proportion and gone in a flash into the arms of the mystery lady he met at the bar!

4. He was just killing time with you: J laments about how her boyfriend of four years had convinced her when they just started dating that the differences in tribe and religion didn’t matter. Now that the relationship has gotten to the marriage stage, he is using those things which supposedly didn’t matter as reasons why they shouldn’t get married. As far as she is concerned, men will say anything to get into your pants and stay there till the next bus arrives!

5. He wants a virgin: Ridiculous as it sounds V couldn’t help cussing out her recent ex who had left her with PID and the trauma of two abortions and gone to marry a good little girl from his home town. His excuse was that he needed a woman who could bear children since he was his mother’s only child and he wasn’t sure that after the abortions (which by the way, she had for him) she would be able to!

6. He wants a trophy wife: Q is a baby mama and a high school drop out and she wouldn’t have felt so bad if all her man did was get her pregnant which of course made her drop out of school but he had the nerve after all she had done for him to marry a girl with a fancy job and many degrees when he was the reason she hadn’t done much with her life. She knew the reason lover boy didn’t put a ring on it was because she didn’t fit into his high profile life.

7. He doesn’t like your appearance: Your slightly overweight bod kept him warm at night and he kept telling peeps how much he loved the meat on you but now that you are talking marriage you are too fat. He feels child birth will worsen it and now he has a long list of things you need to change before marriage which may include liposuction, plastic surgery and skin bleaching!

8. He doesn’t wanna get married period: O cried her eyes out when her perfect boyfriend walked away when she gave him the marriage ultimatum but a year later she met a quiet guy who worked in the building across her office and two years later she was married. Her first child is 13 now and her ex is still single. He has had countless girlfriends but they leave when they realise he ain’t ever gonna go the whole 9 yards.

9. He hasn’t made money yet: S thought her man was ready, he had a good apartment, a well paying job and some money in the bank and it shocked the hell out of her when he told her point blank that till he had his first million in the bank and a house of his own, he couldn’t even consider marriage and if she was gonna face facts, that wouldn’t happen in the next five to ten years. She didn’t wanna be a forty year old girlfriend!

10. He didn’t get a vision from God that you were the one: God to him may be the voice in his head or his mama or pastor’s voice but N thought she would scream her head off when her boyfriend said he prayed about marrying her and didn’t get a conviction. He didn’t need a conviction when he dated her for two years. He didn’t need a conviction when he got her pregnant. She didn’t believe for one minute that God approved of her boyfriend blaming Him for his inability to man up but all that didn’t matter as she kissed the thought of him getting down on one knee goodbye.

So there you have it, ten reasons he won’t marry you- The woman’s version.

God knows the end from the beginning and even when it hurts like hell and you don’t know why it is happening to you, believe that He makes all things beautiful in His time and that He has a beautiful plan for your life. It can only get better…

Compliments of the season chutzpah fam,
♥♥♥

 
3 Comments

Posted by on December 28, 2013 in Relationships

 

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