A post by one of our guest bloggers. The guys will definitely love this post… 😉
A few words about me before I delve into today’s post; I am not a relationship expert, Lord no! I have a lot of friends who have experienced a lot and therefore have a lot of stories to share. Also if you tell me a story Mr A told you, about something Mr B witnessed, that happened to Mr C, know that when I retell the story, Mr C will be my friend. I like to eliminate middle men and also, Mr C could really be a friend, we just haven’t established it yet.
One more thing, until proven otherwise, my opinion is fact…in this column.
So my friend has this girlfriend, they are serious and have been dating for over a year. This girl is pretty, educated, good job, well brought up (what our culture defines it as) and just an all round good girl. They are both of marriageable age but he is stalling. He is stalling because he isn’t sure she’s the one. She’s a good girl and all and would probably make a good wife and mother but according to him, she lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. Recently he met a girl, from the chance meeting; they established their mutual love for the same type of movies, books, music and humour. Now he wants to get to know the girl better. ‘She could be the one,’ he says. To do that, they need to go on dates, and that is cheating. I tell him this and he makes his case. It might not have been water-tight but it had merits. Here’s what he said, basically.
A woman is condemned to have admirers and toasters (most women anyway), be she single, bound by a relationship or even marriage.
For the sake of this post, we’ll focus on the women in relationships.
Now a woman in a relationship, no matter how perfect the relationship may seem, is never averse to a new admirer. As long as there’s a form of attraction, she keeps the line of communication open and remains friends with this guy. She convinces herself it’s innocuous, even if the dude stated his intentions clearly from the beginning. The few naive ones may sometimes go as far as trying to convince their partners that they are just friends. They go on dates with this guy disguised of course as friendly outings. It’s not uncommon to hear statements like:
‘I’m just going to see a movie with a friend/colleague/one guy that has been disturbing me’ (the naive ones again).
‘One of my colleagues/friends/one guy that has been disturbing wants to buy me lunch.’
To a lady, all this is pretty natural. She doesn’t think anything is amiss (or pretends not to think) so has no cause to lower her guard. The guy(s) of course continues to probe, seeking an opening, waiting for cracks to appear. That’s why a girl can receive five cakes on her birthday (two from boyfriend, two from admirers and one from her committee of friends) and see nothing wrong. They just revel in the attention.
Then one day, one day the crack will appear. This innocuous friend becomes a listening ear and voila it’s done. Also, if a girl considers this friend to be a better prospect or thinks for any reason that he could make her happier, she’d go with him, no stories.
I think I’ve been right so far.
Why does the rule have to be different for guys?
As a guy, when you have a girlfriend, you’re expected to be faithful (of course expectation is different from reality but stay with me please). I mean, as a guy you shouldn’t even be interested in another girl. Imagine telling your girlfriend you’re taking a female colleague to see a movie or that you want to buy birthday cake for one friend/colleague/one girl that you have been disturbing like that. Just imagine her reaction. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all.
What I’m saying my ladies – get some pain killers because this will hurt – allow him!
If you walk into a restaurant with that friend/colleague/one guy like that and see him with a girl, don’t get mad and throw tantrums for two reasons. The first is that food isn’t cheap. I don’t care how much you earn but food is not cheap at all. The other day at the market…wait…sorry.
Second reason is that you have no ring yet, harsh it may seem but it’s the truth. Think of a relationship as a road, marriage being the destination. If a man feels he is on the wrong road, he will make a detour, its just the way we (humans) are. You should even be happy because if after he has seen what the world has to offer he still returns to you, it would be with renewed determination.
If he leaves, you dodged a bullet. Bullet as in bullet train because he is going to run faster than that thing on the morning of your wedding if he waits till then to realize you are not the one. You didn’t think all those men who took off suddenly remembered they needed to keep fit did you?
Here’s what I think, and this goes out to everyone, every relationship is an audition of sorts. Let’s say you are in a relationship like my friend above. Your partner is okay but there’s no je ne sais quoi. The relationship has 60% compatibility, how do you maybe find someone better? I’m not saying you should aspire for 100%, I’m not stupid. How do you find you 65, 70 or heck 80% because and you will agree with me, when it comes to relationships, 1% is a huge margin.
So brethren and ‘sistren’, If you are in a relationship and you feel there’s something missing, be it major or minor (we’ll talk about this some other time) there should be an allowance to look. I’m not saying guys should go chasing after everything in skirt or that ladies should have more body counts than Rambo and Commando combined, I’m just saying once in a while, you’d meet that someone who has the je ne sais quoi (I’ve said this a little too much abi?). You shouldn’t hesitate to know them better (ladies are experts at this). You might find out after one date that it’s just an illusion; you might also find out that…you know…he/she’s the one. Your happiness is paramount and like my Warri friends would say ‘Salvation na per head’.