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The Christmas Break…

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What breaks in a moment may take years to mend…Swedish Proverb

The holidays are upon us. Christmas brings with it days off work, endless feasts, merry making and all sorts of new and exciting adventures for both young and old.

Like all holidays it is a time for family and like all family gatherings friction is often not too far off. This holiday be mindful of the words you utter to those nearest and dearest to you. Words are like knives and a person once cut may end up nursing that
festering wound for the next 365 days.

Remember how you felt the day you broke that glass ornament after your mum specifically asked you not to touch it? You wished you could fix it, you prayed the pieces would magically come together and offer you the second chance you so needed.

Many things in life once broken, take years to mend, others are forever destroyed; Trust, Confidence, Friendship, Family-ties the list is endless. So as you delve into this wonderful holiday be careful not to break anything(or anyone). Family is like a pack of Skittles, every one is uniquely different but you get such a zing when they unite in your mouth. Don’t let a cherry ruffle you up!

Season’s greetings chutzpah fam!
Don’t drink and drive…
Xxx

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The A.W.

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She glances at him from beneath her lashes…
Pouts her lips like she is blowing ashes…
She wills him to look at her…
Wills him a heart attack…
Anything that will make him pause…
And look her in the eyes like he needs her without remorse…
She thinks of the other men, an abandoned lot…
And wonders how they became her opportunity cost…
The man she chose seems to live life on his toes…
Barely aware of the waif in his care…
Oh how she longs to be looked upon with admiration…
And spoilt and ravished with much adoration…
Treated like a queen…
And allowed to preen…
She doesn’t ask for anything more…
But to be celebrated and complimented till lips are sore…
Treat her right, respect her, don’t let it be a chore…
For she is none other than the attention whore…

THE END

 
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Posted by on December 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Newsflash!!!

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Hey chutzpah fam,

Follow my new BlackBerry Messenger Channel “Memoirs of a woman with chutzpah”
Channel pin: C001C13E7 (available for BlackBerry, iPhone and Android devices)
Let’s make it fun…
Xoxo

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

AIDS aid!

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Today is world AIDS day but unlike breast cancer awareness nobody seems to be making a fuss. In fact apart from one or two people mentioning it, everyone else went about business as usual.
   I heard about Paul Walker’s death today (No he didn’t die of AIDS). He was a talented actor and damn fine. May his soul rest in peace. I digress I am sorry but death is always such a shocking experience and the truth is that even though most of us have no clue about when we are going to die, the person living with AIDS feels like he or she is sitting on a ticking time bomb. This disease still doesn’t have a cure, not even a vaccine and yet you still hear people saying “Baby I prefer skin on skin!” (Hellooooooo? Like seriously?)
Contrary to delusional belief, there are more people living with HIV around you than you think and some of them are angry with the world, others are unaware that they have it or even living in denial. Most of them are not bad people, just unfortunate and for the self righteous lot who associate HIV with promiscuity, GOOGLE is your friend! There are other non-sexual ways of contacting HIV. Protect yourselves and the ones you love.
    And if you are living with HIV, don’t lose hope. At this point how you caught the virus is immaterial. What’s important is that you remain healthy, happy and free to live your life without any social or moral prejudice. There’s always a reason to be thankful. Here are five things I would recommend because virus or not, life is too short to be wallowing in sorrow.
1. Take your drugs. They are easily accessible and relatively cost free.Even if you are believing God for your healing taking your drugs does not demean your faith in any way.
2. Get periodic medical check ups. HIV predisposes a person to a lot of other secondary infections. Don’t take anything for granted even cuts and bruises
3. Join a support group. There are more HIV support groups than you think. Find one online if you are too shy to attend one in your neighborhood. A burden feels lighter when shared. If there isn’t any, try to make friends with some of the other patients at your clinic.
4. Get busy. Get a job. Thankfully most companies are not allowed to discriminate against staff who have the disease and in your spare time do something that will make the world a better place. Volunteer at a charity organization or help out someone in need. It’s been proven that helping others makes you feel less helpless.
5. Don’t deliberately put someone else at risk. The person may deserve to share in your pain or the person may even be someone you are emotionally attached to whom you know cannot handle the truth but infecting someone else won’t make you whole or happier.

And for the rest of you who are HIV negative or don’t even know your status here are some facts
1. Get tested. Because you were negative last month doesn’t mean you will be negative forever. Every time you have unprotected sex you expose yourself to everyone your partner has ever had unprotected sex with
2. Check your lifestyle. You are not untouchable, be careful
3. Do not discriminate. You are not better than the people living with HIV, time and chance happens to us all and some of them may even outlive you.
4. Skin on skin is a bad idea, condoms don’t cost much and unless you are sure your partner is 100% faithful, protect yourself if not ABSTAIN
5. Be thankful. That you are alive. That you are in good health. That you have troubles you are able to bear.

Today is WORLD AIDS DAY but it’s also the start of the last month of the year, start this brand new month with a brand new lease on life, get tested! Let’s spread the love and not the virus and hopefully 2014 will bring with it a cure for the virus.

Peace and love.
RIP PAUL WALKER (you will be missed)
xoxoxo
Miz Chutzpah

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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The Excuse!

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Ok November is gradually drawing to a close and I have to confess! Chutzpah fam I have sinned. I have fallen off the wagon and wallowed in the laps of procrastination. I have sunk to the depths of excuse-ville to ponder upon my inadequacies, blaming others but myself.

What am I on about…?

Nanowrimo2013! I had the badge, i started the journey but here I am with barely 10,000 words penned on paper. I have failed my challenge miserably and national writing month has become national empty words month! Alas my greater sin was taking time off from blogging. I am sure you all thought how noble and utterly incredible that Miz Chutzpah was finally gonna write a full novel in one month. 50, 000 magical words (and/or inclusive) but here I am, writing an apology instead as I shamefully face the blogosphere. Write I did not, read I did not ( my masters sadly tossed aside howbeit temporarily) but do I regret this one month spent lounging? Of course not (uhm I mean yes of course) but before I apologize allow me to formally tender my excuses.

1. It was my weight’s fault. I have lost 4 kg in the past month and I won’t lie tryna be creative when hunger is thwacking your innards is quite impossible. I have looked at Chinese restaurants so lustfully of late that my ever faithful ugwu and chicken breast threatened to kick me to the curb. I have skipped till my bossoms begged for respite and drank water like I lived in a desert so you would agree with me that 4kg is a mean number, 10 would be far nicer and of course now you can understand why I could not write those words

2. It was GEJ’s fault! What? Don’t roll your eyes at me, everyone loves blaming the government for everything so why should I be different (might I add that PDP is to blame too!) 😉

3. It was ASUU’s fault. If they hadn’t gone on strike my neighbors wouldn’t be home drinking and blasting music to the wee hours of the night making me unable to write down two remotely connected sentences! Please send our kids back to school biko!

4. It was my boss’s fault. In an ideal world I should have been given a full month off work to express my inner creativity as I poured out my passion on paper but since I have to work 8am to 6pm every day that leaves me with just enough energy to creatively go to bed!

5. Blame marriage. I had to cook, clean, color and then do some more cooking so really if the words couldn’t jolly well write themselves I wasn’t gonna add that to my list of wifely duties.

Truthfully my excuses are endless…and I would cheekily rant and rave about how justified I was if you had the time to listen but the truth is if something is important to you, you will accomplish it. NO EXCUSES! Before y’all bury me, take a moment to consider all the things you have failed to do and all the flighty excuses you thought every one else was buying. The truth is most excuses are lame and letting our family, our friends and our boss’s down is not even as bad as letting ourselves down yet we do it so often. As the year comes to a close it’s time to take stock of your life. Look at those things you have been putting off since January and the excuses for not doing them which by now must have worn really thin. You can do it! Don’t wait till January first to start making cliché new year resolutions, just decide today is the day.

I used to be so afraid of driving and kept procrastinating actually learning to drive but this month I registered at a driving school and now I can’t wait to be auditioned for the fast and the furious. Maybe I should add a ferrari to my wish list? Dear Santa….ahem, to be continued.

Chutzpah fam, do something incredible this year! End the year with a bang.

Xoxoxo
ps: sorry for being AWOL and not writing my 50k words. Kisses.

 
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Posted by on November 27, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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A.W.O.L

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Hey chutzpah fam, I recently joined the nanowrimo 2013 challenge (http://www.nanowrimo.org). November is national writing month and my challenge is to write 50, 000 words in 30 days. That’s a whole novel phew! So fingers crossed, I’m closing my eyes and jumping in. Wish me luck, even for a chatterbox like me that’s a whole lot of words. If I can finish it then I’ll definitely finish black laughter and it’s all for the money! (Pinky swear). The only problem is my blog posts will be even more erratic and infrequent this month than they usually are. Please bear with me. I promise to make it up to you in December. Call it an early Christmas pressie! Thanks for hanging in there and for reading my blog.

Love you to the moon and back!
Anita aka Miz Chutzpah!
😉

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Nigerians and celebrities, a love-hate relationship!

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I was in Addis Ababa waiting for my connecting flight from Dubai to Nigeria with a whole bunch of disgruntled Nigerians when my hubby nudged me. He had spotted a prominent Nigerian celebrity and I followed his gaze, smiled and that was it. I didn’t walk up to the dude who surprisingly was traveling alone, to ask for his autograph or ask to take a picture with him. I looked around and all the Nigerians save for one woman who looked on the prowl all seemed unconcerned. Guess it’s our naija mentality. My friend calls it ‘agidi’ ! She says that she also is a celeb and she can’t be going crazy over a celeb whose bodyguard is gonna bounce her or who will give her ‘ela’ the moment she ventures close. It is common to hear a person say I was at so, so and so’s party and guess who was there? But really that’s where it ends. I once read somewhere that Nigerians do this because they don’t appreciate their celebrities. I personally do not consider it a matter of appreciation.

When I was younger, my siblings and I had pics we took with D’banj and Don Jazzy and I liked to look at the pics a lot, it made me feel supercool. Not that they’d remember me anyway but I guess you are supposed to wanna have keepsakes of you and your favorite celebs but how do you spot a friendly celeb? Most of them have unsmiling body guards that look like the incredible hulk, others seem to have anthropophobia (fear of people) whatever the case may be, many Nigerians would rather beat these celebs to the snobbery game and instead adore the celebs they love privately via social media or at a concert. Even on social media it’s common to see adoring fans begging and begging and BEGGING to get a follow back from a celebrity either on Twitter or Instagram and I wonder if I feel sorry for them because I’m immune to getting star struck which isn’t entirely true since there are some hot, six-packed exceptions tucked away in my me-time space or because I would never want to be mistaken for a groupie (ugh!).

I shared a couple of laughs on several occasions while watching Big brother the chase. One of the chasemates loved name dropping. She’d mention a different celeb every 15 minutes and talk about how she hung out with them or didn’t save their numbers because she didn’t want her friends stealing it from her phone. For some, knowing a celebrity or even pretending to know one makes them important by association. Knew some girls in school who went as far as striving to know some of the male celebs the way Adam knew Eve and they’d boast about their escapades and wear them with pride. I guess their mantra was if you are gonna eat a frog, eat one that has eggs. So if they were gonna put out, better a glamorous celeb than an odor-ful man with no money and plenty ego.

Since social media took over the world, a new breed of celebrities have been on the rise. Twitter gurus with smart ass mouths and thousands of followers, Instagram models with 4800 likes per picture (photoshopped or not), new age bloggers with stories that demand attention, YouTube celebs with crazy videos, the list is endless. I like to call it the virtual makeover. In real life there you are, your very own Clark Kent, boring job and glasses to match and before I can say voila, you are superman. The virtual celebrity who can make or break. It may not put money in your pocket but it feels damn good. You feel significant. You are king of la la land with loyal followers and an opinion. You are somebody, heck you can be anybody.

I was at icecream factory one day with my girl R when we spotted a social media celeb. Contrary to his well angled pics and his raunchy memoirs, he was a short, big headed not striking, run off the mill naija boy. Being single at the time and having spent hours drooling over the pages of his blog imagining him to be tall, dark and incredibly handsome not to mention very sensual, it was a very rude shock. We ended up spending the whole time debating whether he actually did the stuff in his memoirs since we couldn’t imagine him being able to land a hot chick or any chick for that matter or whether all was plain fiction. We ended up agreeing that it was a fiction blog.

So basically when a Nigerian sees a celebrity, one of three things happen:
1. The Gushing: Oh I love you, your song is the greatest. Anything for your boys. I know the lyrics by heart (proceeds to sing loudly off tune)- I wanna be a singer just like you. Let’s take a pic together. Can I call you. Are you single. Can we hook up. He definitely wants me 😉
2. The Silence: I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? Nope I just pretended like I didn’t know him it’s not like he will dash me money abeggy. I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? I just nodded at him and smiled, I don’t want anyone to start feeling fly for me abeg. I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? Nope I was too shy so I looked away, the next minute my phone started ringing. I almost died cos his song is my ringtone.
3. The Opportunity: Hey boss, love what you are doing. Have you heard my single too? Oh you didn’t know I was a singer too? Oh I am oh. Very popular in Ghana and Benin republic, trying to break out on the Lagos scene, maybe we can do a collabo soon #plentystory

I am no where near a celeb but I do love it when people tell me how much they love my writing or are inspired by it and those who do have a special place in my heart so even though as Nigerians we are a tad wary of some of our celebrities and their kinks, we must remember that if someone makes us feel good they oughta be told. Don’t hold back chutzpah fam just makesure you don’t come off looking like a mugger or crazy stalker and if you get snobbed or restrained by an unsmiling body guard take it in good faith. Anthropophobia is a serious illness, you really should feel pity for the celebs stricken with the disease and not hate on them 😉 and while you are at it appreciate the undercover celebs around you- Your parents, your siblings, your spouse, that special friend- People who make your feelings their priority. These are the celebs whose pictures adorn our walls and hearts and we ought to tell them! ♥

Have a great day chutzpah fam. Xoxox 😉

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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