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Today is world AIDS day but unlike breast cancer awareness nobody seems to be making a fuss. In fact apart from one or two people mentioning it, everyone else went about business as usual.
I heard about Paul Walker’s death today (No he didn’t die of AIDS). He was a talented actor and damn fine. May his soul rest in peace. I digress I am sorry but death is always such a shocking experience and the truth is that even though most of us have no clue about when we are going to die, the person living with AIDS feels like he or she is sitting on a ticking time bomb. This disease still doesn’t have a cure, not even a vaccine and yet you still hear people saying “Baby I prefer skin on skin!” (Hellooooooo? Like seriously?)
Contrary to delusional belief, there are more people living with HIV around you than you think and some of them are angry with the world, others are unaware that they have it or even living in denial. Most of them are not bad people, just unfortunate and for the self righteous lot who associate HIV with promiscuity, GOOGLE is your friend! There are other non-sexual ways of contacting HIV. Protect yourselves and the ones you love.
And if you are living with HIV, don’t lose hope. At this point how you caught the virus is immaterial. What’s important is that you remain healthy, happy and free to live your life without any social or moral prejudice. There’s always a reason to be thankful. Here are five things I would recommend because virus or not, life is too short to be wallowing in sorrow.
1. Take your drugs. They are easily accessible and relatively cost free.Even if you are believing God for your healing taking your drugs does not demean your faith in any way.
2. Get periodic medical check ups. HIV predisposes a person to a lot of other secondary infections. Don’t take anything for granted even cuts and bruises
3. Join a support group. There are more HIV support groups than you think. Find one online if you are too shy to attend one in your neighborhood. A burden feels lighter when shared. If there isn’t any, try to make friends with some of the other patients at your clinic.
4. Get busy. Get a job. Thankfully most companies are not allowed to discriminate against staff who have the disease and in your spare time do something that will make the world a better place. Volunteer at a charity organization or help out someone in need. It’s been proven that helping others makes you feel less helpless.
5. Don’t deliberately put someone else at risk. The person may deserve to share in your pain or the person may even be someone you are emotionally attached to whom you know cannot handle the truth but infecting someone else won’t make you whole or happier.
And for the rest of you who are HIV negative or don’t even know your status here are some facts
1. Get tested. Because you were negative last month doesn’t mean you will be negative forever. Every time you have unprotected sex you expose yourself to everyone your partner has ever had unprotected sex with
2. Check your lifestyle. You are not untouchable, be careful
3. Do not discriminate. You are not better than the people living with HIV, time and chance happens to us all and some of them may even outlive you.
4. Skin on skin is a bad idea, condoms don’t cost much and unless you are sure your partner is 100% faithful, protect yourself if not ABSTAIN
5. Be thankful. That you are alive. That you are in good health. That you have troubles you are able to bear.
Today is WORLD AIDS DAY but it’s also the start of the last month of the year, start this brand new month with a brand new lease on life, get tested! Let’s spread the love and not the virus and hopefully 2014 will bring with it a cure for the virus.
Peace and love.
RIP PAUL WALKER (you will be missed)
Ok November is gradually drawing to a close and I have to confess! Chutzpah fam I have sinned. I have fallen off the wagon and wallowed in the laps of procrastination. I have sunk to the depths of excuse-ville to ponder upon my inadequacies, blaming others but myself.
What am I on about…?
Nanowrimo2013! I had the badge, i started the journey but here I am with barely 10,000 words penned on paper. I have failed my challenge miserably and national writing month has become national empty words month! Alas my greater sin was taking time off from blogging. I am sure you all thought how noble and utterly incredible that Miz Chutzpah was finally gonna write a full novel in one month. 50, 000 magical words (and/or inclusive) but here I am, writing an apology instead as I shamefully face the blogosphere. Write I did not, read I did not ( my masters sadly tossed aside howbeit temporarily) but do I regret this one month spent lounging? Of course not (uhm I mean yes of course) but before I apologize allow me to formally tender my excuses.
1. It was my weight’s fault. I have lost 4 kg in the past month and I won’t lie tryna be creative when hunger is thwacking your innards is quite impossible. I have looked at Chinese restaurants so lustfully of late that my ever faithful ugwu and chicken breast threatened to kick me to the curb. I have skipped till my bossoms begged for respite and drank water like I lived in a desert so you would agree with me that 4kg is a mean number, 10 would be far nicer and of course now you can understand why I could not write those words
2. It was GEJ’s fault! What? Don’t roll your eyes at me, everyone loves blaming the government for everything so why should I be different (might I add that PDP is to blame too!) 😉
3. It was ASUU’s fault. If they hadn’t gone on strike my neighbors wouldn’t be home drinking and blasting music to the wee hours of the night making me unable to write down two remotely connected sentences! Please send our kids back to school biko!
4. It was my boss’s fault. In an ideal world I should have been given a full month off work to express my inner creativity as I poured out my passion on paper but since I have to work 8am to 6pm every day that leaves me with just enough energy to creatively go to bed!
5. Blame marriage. I had to cook, clean, color and then do some more cooking so really if the words couldn’t jolly well write themselves I wasn’t gonna add that to my list of wifely duties.
Truthfully my excuses are endless…and I would cheekily rant and rave about how justified I was if you had the time to listen but the truth is if something is important to you, you will accomplish it. NO EXCUSES! Before y’all bury me, take a moment to consider all the things you have failed to do and all the flighty excuses you thought every one else was buying. The truth is most excuses are lame and letting our family, our friends and our boss’s down is not even as bad as letting ourselves down yet we do it so often. As the year comes to a close it’s time to take stock of your life. Look at those things you have been putting off since January and the excuses for not doing them which by now must have worn really thin. You can do it! Don’t wait till January first to start making cliché new year resolutions, just decide today is the day.
I used to be so afraid of driving and kept procrastinating actually learning to drive but this month I registered at a driving school and now I can’t wait to be auditioned for the fast and the furious. Maybe I should add a ferrari to my wish list? Dear Santa….ahem, to be continued.
Chutzpah fam, do something incredible this year! End the year with a bang.
ps: sorry for being AWOL and not writing my 50k words. Kisses.
Hey chutzpah fam, I recently joined the nanowrimo 2013 challenge (http://www.nanowrimo.org). November is national writing month and my challenge is to write 50, 000 words in 30 days. That’s a whole novel phew! So fingers crossed, I’m closing my eyes and jumping in. Wish me luck, even for a chatterbox like me that’s a whole lot of words. If I can finish it then I’ll definitely finish black laughter and it’s all for the money! (Pinky swear). The only problem is my blog posts will be even more erratic and infrequent this month than they usually are. Please bear with me. I promise to make it up to you in December. Call it an early Christmas pressie! Thanks for hanging in there and for reading my blog.
Love you to the moon and back!
Anita aka Miz Chutzpah!
I was in Addis Ababa waiting for my connecting flight from Dubai to Nigeria with a whole bunch of disgruntled Nigerians when my hubby nudged me. He had spotted a prominent Nigerian celebrity and I followed his gaze, smiled and that was it. I didn’t walk up to the dude who surprisingly was traveling alone, to ask for his autograph or ask to take a picture with him. I looked around and all the Nigerians save for one woman who looked on the prowl all seemed unconcerned. Guess it’s our naija mentality. My friend calls it ‘agidi’ ! She says that she also is a celeb and she can’t be going crazy over a celeb whose bodyguard is gonna bounce her or who will give her ‘ela’ the moment she ventures close. It is common to hear a person say I was at so, so and so’s party and guess who was there? But really that’s where it ends. I once read somewhere that Nigerians do this because they don’t appreciate their celebrities. I personally do not consider it a matter of appreciation.
When I was younger, my siblings and I had pics we took with D’banj and Don Jazzy and I liked to look at the pics a lot, it made me feel supercool. Not that they’d remember me anyway but I guess you are supposed to wanna have keepsakes of you and your favorite celebs but how do you spot a friendly celeb? Most of them have unsmiling body guards that look like the incredible hulk, others seem to have anthropophobia (fear of people) whatever the case may be, many Nigerians would rather beat these celebs to the snobbery game and instead adore the celebs they love privately via social media or at a concert. Even on social media it’s common to see adoring fans begging and begging and BEGGING to get a follow back from a celebrity either on Twitter or Instagram and I wonder if I feel sorry for them because I’m immune to getting star struck which isn’t entirely true since there are some hot, six-packed exceptions tucked away in my me-time space or because I would never want to be mistaken for a groupie (ugh!).
I shared a couple of laughs on several occasions while watching Big brother the chase. One of the chasemates loved name dropping. She’d mention a different celeb every 15 minutes and talk about how she hung out with them or didn’t save their numbers because she didn’t want her friends stealing it from her phone. For some, knowing a celebrity or even pretending to know one makes them important by association. Knew some girls in school who went as far as striving to know some of the male celebs the way Adam knew Eve and they’d boast about their escapades and wear them with pride. I guess their mantra was if you are gonna eat a frog, eat one that has eggs. So if they were gonna put out, better a glamorous celeb than an odor-ful man with no money and plenty ego.
Since social media took over the world, a new breed of celebrities have been on the rise. Twitter gurus with smart ass mouths and thousands of followers, Instagram models with 4800 likes per picture (photoshopped or not), new age bloggers with stories that demand attention, YouTube celebs with crazy videos, the list is endless. I like to call it the virtual makeover. In real life there you are, your very own Clark Kent, boring job and glasses to match and before I can say voila, you are superman. The virtual celebrity who can make or break. It may not put money in your pocket but it feels damn good. You feel significant. You are king of la la land with loyal followers and an opinion. You are somebody, heck you can be anybody.
I was at icecream factory one day with my girl R when we spotted a social media celeb. Contrary to his well angled pics and his raunchy memoirs, he was a short, big headed not striking, run off the mill naija boy. Being single at the time and having spent hours drooling over the pages of his blog imagining him to be tall, dark and incredibly handsome not to mention very sensual, it was a very rude shock. We ended up spending the whole time debating whether he actually did the stuff in his memoirs since we couldn’t imagine him being able to land a hot chick or any chick for that matter or whether all was plain fiction. We ended up agreeing that it was a fiction blog.
So basically when a Nigerian sees a celebrity, one of three things happen:
1. The Gushing: Oh I love you, your song is the greatest. Anything for your boys. I know the lyrics by heart (proceeds to sing loudly off tune)- I wanna be a singer just like you. Let’s take a pic together. Can I call you. Are you single. Can we hook up. He definitely wants me 😉
2. The Silence: I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? Nope I just pretended like I didn’t know him it’s not like he will dash me money abeggy. I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? I just nodded at him and smiled, I don’t want anyone to start feeling fly for me abeg. I sat down beside a celeb today. Wow great, did you say hi? Nope I was too shy so I looked away, the next minute my phone started ringing. I almost died cos his song is my ringtone.
3. The Opportunity: Hey boss, love what you are doing. Have you heard my single too? Oh you didn’t know I was a singer too? Oh I am oh. Very popular in Ghana and Benin republic, trying to break out on the Lagos scene, maybe we can do a collabo soon #plentystory
I am no where near a celeb but I do love it when people tell me how much they love my writing or are inspired by it and those who do have a special place in my heart so even though as Nigerians we are a tad wary of some of our celebrities and their kinks, we must remember that if someone makes us feel good they oughta be told. Don’t hold back chutzpah fam just makesure you don’t come off looking like a mugger or crazy stalker and if you get snobbed or restrained by an unsmiling body guard take it in good faith. Anthropophobia is a serious illness, you really should feel pity for the celebs stricken with the disease and not hate on them 😉 and while you are at it appreciate the undercover celebs around you- Your parents, your siblings, your spouse, that special friend- People who make your feelings their priority. These are the celebs whose pictures adorn our walls and hearts and we ought to tell them! ♥
Have a great day chutzpah fam. Xoxox 😉
Every day we spend 80% of our day in the rat race, doing all we can, struggling to make ends meet, desperate to get rich or die trying. But does any one really want to die? Death is looked upon with dread, something definite but unforeseeable. Nobody actually plans to die but maybe it’s high time we started planning to die since death is inevitable.
Have you thought of the after life? And where you will spend eternity? Many people have spent more years in the grave than they ever did alive but wouldn’t life be far less complicated if they were truly only decomposing in coffins below the ground? They say man is a spirit and man has a soul. We know of a truth that the body is a temporary casing and this casing comes with an expiry date. So what happens to your soul? If you could plan your death and insure the time you spent away from your body, where would you plan to go? Heaven or Hell? Insurance companies make a fortune insuring your life but who insures the afterlife?
A wise Christian once said if there’s no Heaven and Hell then you and I end up dead, 6 feet under- we both win but if there’s a Heaven and a Hell, I end up in Heaven and you end up in Hell- Both ways I win!
I was watching Bigbrother Africa one night when Bev was talking about a girl she knew who was bent on enjoying her life to the fullest and then going to Hell and would even ask to be made a queen there and I couldn’t help laughing out loud howbeit painfully. Why would you wanna spend forever in a place anything less than beautiful (and remember, nobody has ever counted to forever, even if you spent every second of your life counting you wouldn’t even hit the uncountable number not to mention the infinity number and let me not even get started with the forever number. You’d probably die at 900 zillion or something!) -and then there’s the fire. I am a medical doctor and I have had my share of treating burn victims and it’s one of the most heart-wrenching medical conditions there is. Imagine the agony they went through being roasted alive, the pain, the torture, the torment. For someone to willingly wanna endure that FOREVER then all I can say is wow.
I wanna implore you on this beautiful Tuesday evening to wager well. Don’t gamble away your afterlife. I’d rather be a winner anyhow you put it than risk being a forever loser. Yes God is merciful but think about all those big signboards that warn about high tension cables. If you still go ahead and grab hold of one of them would you say the government or the electricity commission was wicked? That’s why there are warnings. Pay attention!
People die every day. You don’t know what terrorists are planning to bomb your neighborhood or if the building you are in is gonna collapse or if you are gonna get killed in a car crash. There are more than one thousand ways to die and unfortunately for us mere mortals we never can guess when time will be up so like the die-hard insurance companies will say, insure your afterlife TODAY. You don’t have anything to lose but you have everything to gain.
The winner takes it all!
Have a lovely evening chutzpah fam,
Where did my zing go? Been so caught up with life in recent times that all the blogging I get to do is in my head. I still take out time to read some blogs cos there’s nothing like a good read to take your mind off life’s dramas. I was pleasantly surprised when I was nominated by http://truthseeker411.com for the One Lovely Blog Award! Thank you so much for the nomination. Y’all especially the ladies should checkout this fab blog.
The award comes with a few conditions or rules…
1) I have to thank the person who nominated me and put a link to them in my post (Done ;-))
2) Share 7 random facts about myself…here goes…
a. I hate cockroaches! If they cross my turf, it’s run or die for them or just run, squealing out of the room- for me, either to get bugspray or to get a 6foot tall XY bugslayer! And have you ever been woken up by one? No matter how deep your sleep is, the feel of their cockroachy body against you makes you as alert as Nikita. Usually that’s the end of sleep for me and I become the creepycrawly night patrol. Again I say- I hate cockroaches!!!
b. I just got married to one of the most awesome men ever! Now singing “Nothing you can do can take me away from my guy…nothing you can say cause I’m stuck like glue to my guy…he may not be a moviestar but when it comes to being happy-we are…there’s not a man today who can take me away from my guy!” 😉
c. One of my favourite songs of all time is Harry Belafonte’s ‘Banana boat song’…love it, love it, love it!!! Most of you remember it from the movie Beetlejuice- Daylight come and me wanna go home…
d. I was your typical lasgidi babe. Went to Queen’s college, then UNILAG then got a job that had me working some days in VI and other days in Yaba. If anyone had ever told me I’d be living in Benin city and not totally hating it, I’d have called him a joker! Guess the joke’s on me now! This thing called life…LOL
e. I can’t drive! It’s utterly embarrassing and I’m a driving school dropout and the butt of countless jokes but I promise you that I will learn cos I dream of driving an Aston Martin and those babies don’t look good chauffeur driven. 😉
f. I’m social and antisocial at the same time! Half of the people who know me think I’m a social butterfly, extrovert extraordinaire! The other half think I’m shy or a snob and very uptight. I do a very good job of making sure those two halves never meet. And if you are wondering how I could ever muster enough calm to deceive 50% of the people I’ve met in this life into thinking I’m an introvert then wonder no more. I call it locking up shop. My mind is my matrix, my utopia and my wonderland and when I’m hanging with those people, I actually am not there…hehehe
g. Sometimes logic clouds my faith. I know it’s the price to pay for an intelligent and analytical mind but sometimes when I’m believing God for something, my mind goes into overdrive tryna rationalize and give me a logical solution and sometimes logic doesn’t cut it! Faith is believing the impossible and I just need to muster some more of it if I’m ever gonna be on Forbes richest!
Ok that’s a wrap!!! 😉
3) Next I have to nominate other blogs or bloggers for this award. This is gonna be tough cos with my busy schedule I’ve only had time to follow two blogs of recent and yet I know there are tons of awesome blogs out there. Anyway here goes *drumsrolling
i. Tunde Leye’s blog http://www.tlsplace.wordpress.com
ii. Dipo Awelenje’s blog http://www.uncoolfreshman.wordpress.com
4) Lastly I need to contact these two gentlemen so they know they’ve been nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award and so they can link back to my post and follow the rules too! (I promise to squeeze out some more time to read more blogs- promise!)
So thanks again truthseeker411 and to all my fans who are mad at me for not blogging in weeks, I just moved towns and I’m still tryna adjust. Love you all muchos. Gotta run……xoxo 😉
I’m studying for an interview, mainly GMAT and current affairs and I came across a list of our fundamental human rights as Nigerians. Most of us are familiar with this list but two things struck me about the right to personal liberty.
“Any person who is arrested or detained in accordance with subsection (1) (c) of this section shall be brought before a court of law within a reasonable time. And if he is not tried within a period of
(a) Two months from the date of his arrest or detention in the case of a person who is in custody or is not entitle to bail;
(b) Three months from the date of his arrest or detention in the case of a person who has been released on bail, he shall (without prejudice to any further proceeding that may be brought against him) be released either unconditionally or upon such condition as are reasonably necessary to ensure that he appear for trial later date.”
So why are our prisons bursting with inmates? Half of them yet to be convicted of the crimes they were detained for? Reports showed that out of the 49,000 inmates in various Nigerian prisons (and counting), 29,000 were awaiting trial while 856 were on death row. Is there a place worse than hell? The average Nigerian would agree there was! And they call it a Nigerian prison! Putting people away is supposed to give them an opportunity to think over their actions, show remorse, get reformed and an avenue for restitution but all this is lost if a petty thief is thrown in a cell with 13 other inmates ranging from mass murderers to armed robbers. Isn’t it ironic that high up on the list of prayer requests a Nigerian inmate prays is the prayer that perhaps the dreaded Boko Haram will break into their prisons and give them a chance to escape the hell they’ve been thrust into? Many die in prison before they can even be convicted for their crimes and a pitiful percentage are eventually found innocent. It is unjust to put a man or woman away for a crime they did not commit. It is even more unjust to throw all and sundry into the same facility for a bad apple ruins the whole barrel but hardly will you see a good apple making a bad one more edible. The petty thief is called a fool and taught the tricks of the trade by inmates more versed in crime and if he does survive the filth, mental slavery and inhumanity of a Nigerian prison, the fact that he has to join the teeming number of unemployed when he finally gets out of jail drives him to his old ways and this time he has more knowledge on the subject, more venom and a need to commit a crime so heinous that he either thwarts the efforts of our half-hearted police or he lands in prison and is thrown a welcome party for his more befitting crime by his old friends.
Why is our legal system so run down? Nigeria turns over about a thousand new lawyers every year, surely if these professionals are put into good use by the government and the judges and jury put their best efforts into their cases, we would be able to de-congest our prisons and why on earth isn’t there a minister for prison affairs? (I’m serious!)
Many Nigerians have an ‘I don’t care’ attitude where matters like this are concerned since the average Nigerian could never imagine him/herself going to prison but times are changing and evil abounds and if you don’t stand up for the faceless man who’s locked up away from life as we know it for a crime he knows nothing of or even give those that have erred a real chance at being reformed and not just caging them away to stew in their wrath and bitterness, it may just come back to bite us in the arse. Little wonder Boko Haram is breaking people out of jail. Prison has become a recruitment centre and we wonder why some Nigerians have become suicide bombers. If you can survive a Nigerian prison then being a suicide bomber at the price of living free and in splendour for a short while is a chance a lot of them are willing to take.
Has anyone wondered about the way our politicians get themselves out of jail even when convicted? Even when they do stay, they live in private quarters far from the realities of the average prison and fall ill every two minutes demanding for a high-rate doctor and medical care. Yes these are fundamental human rights but should they be only bestowed on men ‘mouthed’ enough to afford the best lawyers and preferential treatment? If a man steals one hundred naira, why should he be treated worse than a man who stole one billion naira?
In secondary school, a friend’s father died in prison. He was a politician and we all mourned with her and now I cannot but imagine the people who spend countless nights begging God to vindicate them as they rot in jail. Let’s fight this evil before one of our own is affected. I know bankers who have been thrown into jail especially tellers for stealing huge sums of money, some were framed but the truth is even though no one ever prays to be in a Nigerian prison, it does happen to some.
When I was younger, I imagined prison as a place where one had to wear black and white striped or orange jumpsuits and die of boredom in a cell with one window and one bed and one toilet and eat food at a canteen with many angry faced inmates. Prison was a place where people could get put on parole and make pleas and even learn a skill but most importantly get reformed. I’m sure if Nigerian prisons could be a fifth of my fantasy, I wouldn’t need to write this. Maybe the judge should just say; “Mr X, I sentence you to 5 years in prison where you will be anally raped every night, slapped and beaten, have to be someone’s dog and sleep where you shit and where you’ll be starved and deprived medical care till you die!” Too much story, the death sentence would be faster!
Women have given birth in prison impregnated by prison wardens and workers and this is the least of the evils our delicate ears are spared from. Let’s not pretend, I object to this inhumanity, these people need help. As part of our rights, Nigerians are entitled to SPECIAL JURISDICTION OF HIGH COURT AND LEGAL AID! “Any person who alleges that any of the provision of this chapter has been, is being or likely to be contravened in any state in relation to him may apply to high court in that state for redress.” So you do have a right to sue if your fundamental rights are trampled on by any individual or the state.
People should be punished according to their crimes. Community service should be seriously looked into, I know LAWMA could use some help and Lagos would be cleaner for it!
Have a great day peeps and remember crime does not pay!!! (yahoo boys take note)
Two consecutive road traffic accidents on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway, two consecutive plane crashes and a bomb blast? So many deaths, so much destruction. Could it have been avoided or have the fates set the grim reaper upon us?
Nigeria has always been a country that depended on luck and prayers as protection rather than investing in security measures. Can we actually blame God? Should we sweep this under the carpet of God gives and God takes? Or is there something we could have done? We’ve taken too much in our stride, we’ve witnessed the wasting of countless lives but everyone sighs and continues business as usual because they are not affected directly. Even those affected lack the anger and drive to fight and even when they do fight, they fight alone.
If we can occupy Nigeria when our finances are threatened and go on strikes when our needs are not met, why can’t we as a country arise and take a stand? This affects everyone. The rich, the poor the middle class. We all suffer from the effect of bad roads, old tankers carrying highly flammable material, written-off planes forced to function so the airline can make an extra buck and even security threats posed by militants and terrorists who claim to be fellow Nigerians.
When will we stand up and fight against this? When will we start co-operating with those put in charge of enforcing our safety? When will the government stop the compromise and start taking every matter of national security seriously? When will a human life become precious in Nigeria? There was a business class on that plane, all the passengers there perished alongside the economy class. This issue knows no class. Will we continue to do nothing till the next tragedy strikes? Will we fume at lukewarm condolence messages by the presidency while the status quo remains?
Could those people have been saved if the drills performed on the plane before take off were performed while the plane was crash landing? Did the emergency doors even open? Does anyone know for sure if an oxygen mask with oxygen actually being supplied would fall as promised in times of peril? Who actually checks these things before the plane takes off? And why do Nigerian paramedics and emergency services get to the scene of an incident long after everyone else? Why do they show up after the crucial few minutes that determine whether a victim lives or dies? Can anyone answer these questions? Or will they stay unanswered again and again till tragedy strikes too close to home? I weep for my country.
I can only imagine the pain and sorrow those bereaved would be feeling this moment. Death in a church, death on a plane, death on the streets, death on the highway, death even in the house while watching tv cos you never know if a plane is gonna crash on your house. Let us pray for Nigeria and the families of the departed but let us act, cos faith without works is dead. Nigerians take a stand, it is our right to be safe!!!
May the souls of all those that died in the last four days find peace and may their families receive comfort from above, my heart is heavy…
What do you do when you have a friend who gives you more grief than joy?
What do you do when your friend only remembers you when she needs you or is never there for you?
What do you do when your friend joins others to criticise you publicly or gossips and jeers at you behind your back?
What do you do when your friend always picks a fight with you or gangs up with others to do so?
What do you do when your friend is more interested in kicking you down than building you up?
What do you do when you seem to be in constant competition with your friend?
What do you do when your friend only corrects you or points out your flaws in public?
Sounds like the friend from hell right?
Well guess what, it ain’t new. There’s a reason the term frenemy was coined. It’s like a game of tag and guess what? You’re it!
You have to ask yourself one of these 3 questions:
1. Are we really friends? (Is this a mutual friendship or is it one-sided?)
2. Does she have a reason to envy me or a personal vendetta?
3. How did this friendship even start? (Was it a mere thrusting of 2 people due to environmental factors or did it come with the excitement and love a new friendship brings?)
If by now you are really beginning to consider then ask yourself some more questions…
1) Is the friendship dispensable? Some people have too many friends, cutting an unhealthy friendship can be not as hard as you think but others require the friendship because it comes with some not so unattractive benefits, maybe a club membership or a pass into the in-crowd or a sense of belonging to a group of other people your friend is chummy with. If you hate her guts but need her for some specific other reason then chances are she knows she’s indispensable and not many people are nice when they don’t have to be.
2) Do you like having a frenemy?
There’s an upside to frenemies. They keep you on your toes. They make you wanna get better with their criticism and competitive nature. They make your spirit stronger. They tell you the truth! Sometimes a lot of friends try too hard to spare your feelings, they tell you what you wanna hear because they genuinely have love in their eyes and are blinded to your imperfections. On the flip side a frenemy is all about your imperfections and some people need this to maintain the balance. As long as she won’t literarily stab you in the back one day, she may not be the worst problem in your life so ride on. Besides everyone thinks having a hater is a mark of success. If you are doing well someone’s gonna beef you. It may be nice having that person on speed dial.
3) Can you talk to the person about it?
Some people are frenemies by design. They’ve been hit hard by life, maybe numerous heartbreaks, a divorce, a death, some failures, it could be anything and for some reason you seem to have it good. The thing is nobody has it all good and they probably don’t see your silent tears but many of these people don’t know they are frenemies. They’d even be hurt if you told them straight up that you were ending the friendship or if you let them see how much they hurt you. So talking may help with some of them but remember that this doesn’t always go well. You may end up being further criticised and jeered about ‘the talk’ in public or she could just laugh in your face. If your frenemy is an attention-seeker and she feels you are always stealing her spotlight then forget talking, it won’t help.
Don’t get it wrong, frenemies are capable of being loyal friends to certain people, unfortunately you didn’t make the list and you didn’t get the memo. Forcing a friendship is acceptable in high school, even pardonable in the university but by the time you are a grown ass woman, having a frenemy is just plain ole stupid unless like I said before you are into that sorta thing. The bible says there’s a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. If you have that friend then focus on her and stay as far away from those who cause you grief. The world is full of enough enemies and can be a cruel hard place, making time for unnecessary and unwholesome friendships can be such a weiste!
But don’t get me wrong, there’s a reason ‘Frenemy’ starts with the first few letters of the word ‘Friend’. Some of them can be quite friendly, even bail you out or be there for you once in a blue moon so you’ve gotta weigh the friendship on the frenemy scale. If it’s tipping more towards friend than enemy, you may consider keeping the friendship and even investing some time and love into it. That may just be the sweetener it needs. If it’s tending more towards enemy, get a pair of scissors, you need to cut the ties fast! You don’t have to write a long letter about why you can’t be friends anymore, just lose touch on purpose. Be too busy to hangout, keep your personal business private and refuse to humor them with arguments or retorts. Eventually they’ll either get the hint or they’ll make an effort to be nicer to you.
And if you are like someone I know who tends to forget to contact real friends and instead spends time diddling with frenemies and acquaintances, you may need to shape up. Your friends love you but if you don’t give them enough attention, they’ll get other friends and you’ll find out when you really need a friend to talk to, you have a blackberry messenger with a hundred contacts and yet you feel so alone.
I’m blessed, I have some really good friends and today I’m gonna call them and tell them how much I love and appreciate them and while I’m at it, weed out a few frenemies! You should try it too! 😉
Have a great day peeps…