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Category Archives: Relationships

The Element of Surprise!

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A friend of mine turned 30 a couple of days ago and her husband threw her a nice surprise party. Now this friend of mine is a sharp babe and shed tears when she walked into her surprise gig. They were tears of joy and gratitude yes but also big, fat tears of “can you imagine, I had absolutely no clue!” It got me thinking about all the other surprise parties I’d ever been too, mine inclusive and how the celebrants would snoop and investigate and try to unravel the plans before the big day and then be fully convinced that there were no such plans and resign themselves to a less than extraordinary birthday only to be blown away when everyone shouted SURPRISE! And in my usual way I began to connect the dots only I could see…

Some years before, at another party, there had been a debate on whether snooping around for evidence of infidelity was worth it. There were two very obvious schools of thought. The first school of thought was championed by my friend ‘I’ who announced that her husband’s phone was off limits to her and hers was likewise off limits to him. Then there was my other friend ‘Ç’ who announced that doing that was like burying your head in the sand like an ostrich that before you knew it he would have paid bride price for wife number 2! Then there was my friend ‘F’who vehemently insisted that if you so much as saw her boyfriend in what seemed to be a compromising position even if you had no proof she wanted to know immediately while my friend ‘M’ didn’t want any bearers of bad news coming near her because people were fast to focus on other people’s drama while ignoring theirs. It was a very interesting argument with all parties having very valid points depending on your perspective.

Now how does this tie up with my earlier line of thought? Well just imagine how painstakingly a devoted husband, boyfriend or friend plans your surprise party without you having a clue (of course we know some are terrible at that sort of thing and always get found out whether it’s a party or an affair) and even with your sixth sense, woman’s instincts, snooping, stalking, trailing and numerous set traps you still are utterly surprised on D-day, well same applies to relationships were fidelity is concerned. If he is faithful then you are blessed among women but if he isn’t, regardless of whether he is a first timer, occasional cheat or chronic womaniser, most men would tell you that all that really matters is if he cares about getting caught or if he doesn’t! If he cares about getting caught either because he loves or fears you, he will cover his tracks as stealthily and successfully as he plans your surprise birthday!

I once heard a man confess to having a ‘bae phone’ which was always switched off after work hours and hidden somewhere in his car, his other phone was his official line and wifey who was chairman of the snoop committee prided herself on how squeaky clean his phone was; no inappropriate sms, email or social media messages! If he hadn’t confessed, perhaps it would be at his funeral that his wife would get the surprise of her life (you know how offspring seem to magically appear when it’s time to read the will). Many men would just lock up their phones instead of going through the trouble of having a secret phone, not because they are cheating per se but because like my friend ‘O’ says, the desire to cheat or stay faithful should be within their power without someone misinterpreting every single sms! A friend of mine gave her man tit for tat by locking her phone, the dude almost had a heart-attack (why are guys so deathly afraid of their women cheating? LOL). They eventually called for a truce, no passwords or locks on any devices! Now back to the second thing that really matters, if he doesn’t care about getting caught, you’d most likely catch him without much stress and he’d be way less remorseful than if he was just a terrible cheat who couldn’t plan a surprise to save his life!

Now I understand why some people are so afraid of surprises! It isn’t half-bad though, consider the fact that you are blissfully unaware for as long as it takes for the surprise to unravel and it could take years and who knows, he just might have a change of heart along the line and kiss his bad boy ways good bye and you’d be spared the surprise of your life! (that’s why you should never boast about your marriage or relationship, rejoice and be thankful for the good you enjoy because some times you are unaware of battles fought and won or even lost!) For those who throw one heck of a surprise party, I can only say may your surprises always be good ones! (before you give someone a heart attack).

So would you snoop around your partner’s phone, emails and social media or would you not?
And if your partner was seen in a compromising position would you want to know or not know?

I haven’t picked a side yet and would love to hear from those who have!
Cheerio chutzpah fam,
xoxo

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Single Girls Need To Know This About Marriage!

I’ve been off the grid for a while, doing exams, writing for Cosmopolitan magazine, working my butt off, losing some weight, starting my natural hair journey and well life in general, doing every thing but writing posts on my beloved blog. Many of you have moved on, others have found new online love interests while the rest of you are so disappointed you wanna konk my head but I ask sincerely that you accept my apology. Really missed writing chutzpah stuff honestly!

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Now to the matter at hand, I was gisting with my friend S who is happily single– I know you’d roll your eyes at the phrase but there are some babes who are content with their lives and don’t feel the pressure to hook up with a random man for the rest of their lives! Anyway S was filling me on all the offline and online man related gist I had missed and another friend joined the conversation. J was appalled by all the crazy stories out there which involved Yoruba demons, Igbo terrorists, Benin Jazz men and Hausa guerrillas married and single alike. She felt anybody getting married was doomed but didn’t wanna join the happily single club. It was starting to feel like she had to choose between the devil (remaining single) and the deep blue sea (a horrible marriage) so even though I am no expert, I decided to share a couple of tips a wise woman once shared with me and they are absolutely important things every single girl should know to minimize casualties (shine your eyes).

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1) A bad boyfriend will make a worse husband

Never manage a boyfriend, if you absolutely cannot stand a fault of his, it will not get better after marriage. In fact it will be amplified and you will be unable to stand it and sincerely it’s unfair to the guy because he expected you loved all of him enough to marry him in the first place.

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2) People don’t change but they can mature, you cannot predict future change or maturity so don’t bank on it

Marry a man the same way you shop online, what you see is what you get (or worse) and the return policy is usually a scam, remember all na packaging and he is most likely putting his best foot forward already so anticipating more is asking for too much in his opinion.

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3) Don’t smell what you can’t eat

This applies to in-laws, marital roles and duties, bad behaviour and your relationship in general. Oju aye (eye service) doesn’t work in marriage. Enduring something for the sake of a ring would backfire once mission is accomplished and you’d be accused of changing (for the worse) and suffer the backlash.

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4) Have your own money

This is important for three reasons. First of all you need to be able to bring something to the table regardless of how comfortable your man is (think power couple), secondly he knows money is not a reason for you to remain in a bad marriage since you can fend for yourself and finally, nothing beats financial freedom.

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5) Name that one thing you could never endure in a marriage and let it guide your mate-picking decision

Every woman is different, your one thing may be infidelity or violence or maybe even poverty! Whatever it is, look for the man who is most unlikely to cross this line and make sure he understands that it is a line that cannot be crossed before you jump right in. Knowing your deal-breaker is an unspoken agreement that every thing else is forgivable within reasonable limits.

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6) If he has baggage make sure he sorts it out before marriage

Baggage in the form of clingy exes, baby mamas, addictions or bros before hos pacts, anything that makes you feel insecure has to be handled before you become the Mrs because marriage amplifies insecurities.

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7) Keeping your marriage private is not just about social media, the people you provide intel matter more

Choose to be accountable to one person (singular not plural) that you absolutely trust where your marital issues are concerned. Whether it’s to report your husband or confess your indiscretions or complain about your life, having more than one person know your story is like an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians! (the whole world gets to discuss your life for free!)

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8) Don’t throw in the towel till you are 110% sure it cannot be saved

Many people get in and get out, the wedding day becomes just another owambe. It could be because they jumped in without knowing what they were getting into (what’s the hurry? Look before you leap!) or have a low threshold for bullshit (tho’ enduring is not the same as becoming a martyr abeg!). Whatever the case, you need to fight the hardest to save your marriage before you abandon ship or you’ll have regrets when the dust settles.

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9) Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone else’s Hollywood reel!

Social media and public gatherings thrive on PDA, perfection and grand romantic gestures but before you start comparing your man to the prince charming on Instagram, remember your man has no filter, is not photo-shopped and is not borrow-posing! A healthy marriage is a great blend of peace, drama, fun, boredom, grand gestures, sacrifices and a lot of ordinary days in between. If the negatives are always lacking then you are viewing a Hollywood reel!

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10) There’s no secret ingredient for a great marriage, find a formula that works for you

You think a man won’t cheat if you stay sexy, give great sex and cook delicious meals or not nag, well about a thousand women in the world are doing that flawlessly and he still can’t keep his thing in his pants. What works for your friend will most likely not work for you so do you and make it work. A lot of women credit a great marriage to prayers but faith without works is dead so work it girl!

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10 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Relationships

 

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Is your new beau a serial monogamist?

There are obviously three types of guys- Those who don’t cheat, those who cheat and the serial monogamist. The serial monogamist is a guy who is faithful for the shortest possible time that he is in a relationship with you and as soon as he gets bored he finds an excuse to break up and is on to the next relationship in a flash and then the cycle continues.
So how do you spot a serial monogamist?
1) He has more exes than there are episodes on Tinsel!
Every time you step out you meet yet another ex! It’s like he’s been with the whole town.

2) His longest relationship lasted one month.
He was a very great boyfriend for 30 whole days till he wasn’t.
And if for whatever reason his ex wouldn’t give up the cookie before 90 days then his longest relationship lasted 100 days!

3) It’s always his ex’s fault that they broke up.
She was too clingy, too jealous, too crazy, moving too fast, always talking bad about his mother, wanted to get married too soon, didn’t like his friends…the list is endless. He always comes off looking like the victim who just had to run for dear life.

4) He is Mr. Right-now in every sense of the word.
He gets this funny look on his face right before he changes the subject any time you talk about any type of relationship goals. Who’d have thought going on holiday together would be such a big deal?

5) He is paranoid about babies and baby mamas.
He disposes of his condom himself, doesn’t sleep with you till the first time he catches you on your period and then you find a period tracker on his iPad that’s synchronized to your menstrual cycle. He never ever has unprotected sex and if he does, he serves you morning after pills alongside a hot cup of cocoa and doesn’t laugh at the joke you made about having a child together. He never leaves a trail and he makes sure his track record stays squeaky clean.

6) He has a very complicated plan for his future that doesn’t seem to flow with your plans in the least.
His aim is to ensure that you are not traveling the same path!

7) The texts on his phone to various women seem to all be a prelude to something more.
“Hey babe, you were looking so fly today…wish I wasn’t in a relationship…would never ever cheat on bae but who knows dreams do come true…x”

Like wtf???!!!!

8) His family don’t seem particularly interested in knowing your name.
He takes you for family gatherings and you think this shows he is considering a long term relationship with you but his family acts funny. They barely ask your name and act like you are nothing more than his plus one at the dinner party not their future in-law. They know the drill!

9) He is all about the romance.
This guy is a hopeless romantic. Breakfast in bed, flowers, songs dedicated to you on cool FM, cupcakes to your office, surprise gifts and just because I love you gestures but as soon as you both start acting like a normal couple he complains about the flames flickering out and is gone with the wind!

10) He never ever does the breaking up.
Now this sneaky fellow has perfected the art of breaking up with you without actually breaking up with you. When he is done with the relationship, he let’s it fizzle out. Too busy to pick your phone calls or reply your messages. Way to busy to come see you or be in the same room with you for more than 5 seconds. Avoidance is key to his strategy and sooner or later you break up with him out of frustration possibly via text message.

This smooth, suave, heart breaker would never be labeled a cheater, he prides himself in having great relationships which were fun while they lasted, too bad they are gone in 60 seconds! Ladies beware of the serial monogamist! Check out his track record before you say yes!

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to break his heart gently!

That awkward moment when you feel nothing anymore, when your relationship goals are no more in sync and his touch doesn’t bring you the pleasure it once did.
You know it’s time to cut loose but bae’s talking forever and all would be perfect if he was the one, except he isn’t the one and now you have to break his heart gently but you don’t know how.

Here’s how:
1) Honesty
It really is the best policy!
You need to sit him down and let him know things have changed and that he didn’t do wrong (well unless he did). Also make him understand through the shock and hurt that your decision was well thought out and is final and that you’ve had great times and you’ll miss him but you are better off apart!

2) Don’t look for the best time
There will never be the best time to break the news. He will get sweeter as if by instinct and you will feel guiltier by the second about hurting him. It’s better to just let it off your chest before he surprises you with a ring!

3) Space
Give him space. Don’t try to be there for him or help him grieve. You are the source of his pain and the only way he will grasp reality is if you exit his space and he doesn’t see you there doing all the things his heart is so fond of.

4) Don’t push a friendship.
It’s way too much too soon. Imagine if the tables were turned. He doesn’t wanna be friends. No one ever wants to go from being lovers to friends. It’s selfish to assume he would just move on and willingly be in the friendzone after he has had so much more. Give it a rest, if you will ever be friends he has to be the one to extend his hand of friendship.

5) Don’t be a dog in the manger
He will move on. It may not be immediately but he will move on and the irony of life is at the time he finds love again, you may not be seeing anyone which means it may sting a little. So don’t be a dog in a manger, don’t try to get him back only because you don’t wanna see him with someone else. Don’t try to remind him of how great you were together just because he seems to be having great moments with some one else. Just don’t!

Breaking a heart is tough, don’t you just wonder how the men seem to do it so easily?

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to spot a Nigerian player!!!

You can’t miss ’em, lurking at parties, clubs, office functions all dapper and looking for whom to devour. This is what a Nigerian man only out to play games with your heart and score looks like:

1) He wears a white flowing agbada or a sharp suit with swag dripping to his toes.

2) He doesn’t pick his calls while seated.

3) His social media profile doesn’t have any pictures of girls just he and his boys having tons of fun.

4) He knows every female in a 20mile radius.

5) He is the perfect gentleman.

6) Your mom and all your aunts adore him.

7) His phone has a super complicated password.

8) He doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend, he says he has never really dated anyone.

9) He is very particular about his looks.

10) Your older sister’s friends don’t approve of him but they won’t say why.

11) He has a type. Every woman he has been with looks like a clone of the very next.

12) He knows what’s hip and cool and his fashion advice is always on point! You literally take fashion and style lessons from him.

13) He has an impossibly long list of what he wants in a woman.

14) He has a baby mama.

15) He’s got the moves like Jagger in bed. Super hot.

16) He is so romantic, he absolutely melts your heart every time.

17) He is a great cook and his house is impeccable and well groomed.

18) He has more phone numbers than you have BBM contacts.

19) All his friends are married.

20) He is one step ahead of every get him to settle down trick in the book!

So before you give him your heart, be sure he isn’t out to cause catastrophe and vamoose!

Disclaimer: the delightful caption photo is only to serve as eye candy, he is not guilty of the felonies listed!

Have a great weekend chutzpah fam,
Xoxo

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 9, 2016 in Relationships

 

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How to get married in one year!

This post isn’t for everybody. It’s for the girl whose singular 2016 goal is to get married. She may or may not have a boyfriend but that doesn’t matter. These tips will take you from ‘Hello’ to ‘I do’ in a heart beat!

1) Finding the right man

Every woman has a list of qualities she wants in a man. Many of the things on our list of qualities are shallow, unrealistic or futuristic. Don’t bother about things that may change in a heartbeat! A qualified man is as good a pick as a rich man, a man with great genes may not have grown into his good looks possibly because he needs to gain some weight etc. So narrow down your list to 3 qualities you can absolutely not do without in your man. Here’s an example: 1) God fearing 2) University degree 3) Good man. Good is relative but we all know good when we see it!
Now get busy. You need a game plan for the first quarter of the year. These are the top 5 places to find the right guy:
1) Social media
2) Work space
3) Social circles
4) Church
5) Miscellaneous

  • Clean up your social media, anything that doesn’t say ‘wife material’ should not make it there! Semi- nude photos, turnt up pictures, ratchet pictures, pictures for thirsty dudes and messages or tweets that scream immature, one night stand, runz babe or ho should be deleted immediately!

  • Your work space is not just your office but every other office in your building, on your street and in your environs. Make a friend in every office. Apart from the possible networking opportunities, you get to meet people you’d never have met if you sat at your desk all day. There’s always a couple of minutes to spare. Some offices have lunch time fellowships, you could seize that opportunity to mingle with people from that office.

  • Social circles include all your family friends, all the owambes and weddings you get invited to, basically every opportunity to interact with the public. Look your best, act like a lady and avoid being too obvious or loud. You want to get noticed but not for the wrong reasons. Nude makeup is always the way to go because it appeals to men of different ideals and doctrines. Avoid indecent clothes they scream sexy, take me to bed not sexy for only you, marry me! Drop your phone! No pinging or checking social media at social events. No endless selfies, just plenty eye contact, laughs and a permanent smile on your face! Be approachable! Now is also a good time to accompany your mum, dad or elder siblings to visit their friends, you’d be surprised what gorgeous hunks you have as family friends that your family just forgot to mention!

  • Church is another fantastic place to meet the one but you can’t meet the one by just sitting in a great big auditorium every Sunday. You need to mingle! Join a group, a cell, become an usher or a greeter or join a fellowship for business professionals. Remember that meeting a brother in church doesn’t mean he is a saint!

  • Miscellaneous is every where else! On the street, at the cinema, while running an errand, in the hospital etc. The only place you cannot meet a man is on your bed! If you spend more hours at home being a couch potato than outside socializing, how on earth is a brother supposed to find his wife?

No matter how busy your life gets take two to four hours on one week day and four to six hours once on a weekend, dress up real good and go somewhere by yourself for a cup of tea or a meal. A table for one in a decent place where you are likely to meet someone. It could be for brunch, tea, lunch, dinner, entertainment or maybe even cocktails on a Friday night. Resist the urge to go straight home after work and plan towards that once a week date. Choose a different spot or restaurant every time and look awesome and no matter your first impression of the guy who steps up to you, be nice, cordial and listen to what he has to say. He may not be the one but he may introduce you to the one. He may not be the one but God may have sent him into your life for a great purpose. He may actually be the one but might not be putting his best foot forward! There’s never a good reason to be rude to a stranger!

If all else fails, add some new friends on social media! Go through the friends’ list of all your friends and add any attractive looking guy who isn’t listed as married. Like a couple of his pics and see how it goes! Facebook is great for that sorta stuff!

Eliminating time wasters:

Sometimes a man may look like Mr. Right, sound like Mr. Right but only be Mr. Right Now! So to eliminate time wasters here are 3 simple but direct questions and it’s better to ask them early in the relationship before you catch feelings.
1) What’s your plan for the next year of your life? If he doesn’t add finding a girl and settling down then don’t even bother.
2) Why are you attracted to me?
There has to be an answer in there to make you know he has some kind of non-sexual, possibly long term plans that include you. ‘You fascinate me’, ‘There’s something about you’…probe deeper.
3) Would you still wanna hang with me if I said I wasn’t putting out?
No time to waste, the sooner you know if he is only about the sex, the better!

This isn’t foolproof, some men lie!

And here are some deal breakers for women- if he has these, don’t even bother. Keep looking!
1. He is married or engaged.
2. He is an NFA (No future ambition).
3. He can’t keep a job- hooked on get rich quick schemes.
4. He has been engaged more than once before.
5. He has a history of violence especially towards women.
6. He can only marry a woman from a particular tribe, class, genotype or religion and you don’t fit.
7. He has a reputation as a player, only in it for the sex.
8. He is a ritualist or cultist.
9. He is a gold-digger.
10. He is a serial cheat.
11. He is addicted to drugs or weed or booze or prostitutes!
12. He is a pathological liar.
13. He has anger issues.
14. He is lazy.
15. He is wasteful, never saves for the future.
16. He is selfish.
17. He has an Obsessive Compulsive disorder that would affect you directly.
18. He has no obvious source of his income.
19. He doesn’t believe in God.
20. He is overly controlling.
21. He is an ex-con.
22. He has no qualms taking advantage of his maid, cleaner, the girl selling on the streets or any woman who cannot stand up to him.
23. He is a serial monogamist.
24. He is cruel to people around him.
25. He hates his mother or family without obvious cause.
Most men won’t volunteer this information so you have to dig deep!

2) Dating Mr. Right

OK so now you are in a relationship with a man you believe to be Mr. Right and you really don’t wanna screw it up like all the others.
These are silent deal breakers for men:
1. She lies
2. She is all about the money
3. I caught her flirting
4. She is attention-hungry on social media
5. Her life’s ambition is to get married i.e she has nothing else going for her.
6. She nags.
7. She shouts or snaps at me when she isn’t in the mood.
8. She easily gets moody or depressed.
9. She isn’t conscious about her weight.
10. My mother or family doesn’t like her.
11. She’s too rigid and never wants to compromise.
12. She’s controlling.
13. She is rude to others.
14. She questions my authority alot.
15. Tribe or Religious differences.
16. She can’t or hates to cook.
17. She’s dirty.
18. She has emotional baggage.
19. I don’t like her friends, she may be pretending.
20. She likes partying or clubbing too much.
21. She is stingy or selfish.
22. She is wasteful or greedy.
23. She dresses scandalously.
24. She is lazy.
25. She is too much of a drama queen.
You need to look closely at yourself. If any of these numbers aptly describes you, le boo may only be killing time with you!

3) How to get him to propose

Now this could be the toughest or the easiest part depending on whether you are dating Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right!
There are basically four steps.
1) Ascertain that he is ready mentally, financially and socially! Also be certain that his family has fully accepted you as iyawo-to-be and that he most importantly doesn’t have doubts about you!
2) Get him thinking about marriage!
From watching chick flicks with beautiful happily ever afters to movies where women sacrificed all and showed real virtue in marriage, essentially you want him seeing movies that show the benefit of having a good woman at your side for the long haul. Show him very romantic pre-wedding stories and keep telling him that you have always wanted a small wedding with only close family and friends, that way you sound really sensible and he knows he doesn’t have to break the bank to be with you!
Depending on the sort of relationship you have, you can drop bigger hints but you don’t want him seeing you as desperate. It’s a thin line so tread cautiously.
3) Do not ever give an ultimatum or get caught having a plan B or C!
That not only shows desperation but it shows him that you are only interested in getting married and you don’t care if it’s him or someone else.
4) Get people- close friends or family to put him on the spot every once in a while and act just as embarrassed when it happens!
“Jide when are you and Taiwo getting married? Your marriage will be the owambe of the year”
“Awww you guys will make very cute babies, when are you tying the knot?”
“Taiwo one of my cousin’s was asking about you but I told him Jide was your fiance, he was asking me where your ring was *giggles”
The message still gets passed across and it isn’t from your mouth!

4) Planning a wedding in three months!

The plan was to get married in a year and stage four usually starts in the last quarter of the year so you have to have seen it coming!
1) Get a secret folder with your dream wedding, guest list, play list, possible venues and vendors and colors already listed and with price quotations. This folder had better be passworded and have absolutely no references to your man so it is easily explained in the event of discovery. This makes planning the wedding easy because you are just following a well written script.
2) Save save save! Starting from the beginning of the year, you open an account just for the wedding and put in any spare cash you can so that you have quite the nest egg by the last quarter of the year. This is a sacrifice and putting money away is always a good idea.
3) A small intimate wedding can be a good thing, ask Toke! It’s also really easy to plan on short notice and with minimal stress and financial implications. The honeymoon can be postponed to the next year so that your hubby has time to save up!

And there it is! The city girl’s guide to getting married in one year! Do let me know if it works out for you! Happy New year people and may 2016 be the year of ‘I dos’.

 
6 Comments

Posted by on December 31, 2015 in Relationships

 

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The 411 on making the best of a bad in-law situation and more!

Hey everyone, so the in-law trilogy has gotten such a buzz, thanks for the input, shared experiences and the support. Today I’d like to draw the curtain on the three-part series and I am making this a double dose. Yours truly will be giving you not only the 411 on making the best out of a bad in-law situation but also, the 10 commandments to being a good great in-law!
So here goes:

10 tips on making the best of a bad in-law situation:

  1. Avoid the situation: When you marry someone, you marry their families as well, especially in Africa so if you know that family is the match to your gun powder then stop eyeing their son and marry a man with a family you can stand like!

  2. Pray: I am not going to mince words here. It isn’t enough to spend days and nights praying about your dream man, devote some time to praying he has a great family that will adore and support you because it takes one bad in-law to ruin a perfect fairytale! And if you are already stuck with them, keep praying about them. Miracles happen when you pray, there is no situation too hard for God to fix!

  3. Don’t smell what you can’t eat: If you know washing your sister in-law’s clothes will be an issue, don’t do it a couple of times in the beginning hoping she will stop asking because when you stop doing it you become the vile wife who was pretending all the while! This is not to say you have to be rigid, compromise some but do not go against your moral principles and sense of justice.

  4. Avoid confrontations: This is one of the times when tackling the problem head on isn’t the best solution. You need tact and wisdom when tackling bad in-laws because every thing you say will be counted as rudeness in an exchange of words. There are many ways to win a battle. A friend of mine says she smiles anytime her in-laws are trying to aggravate her and doesn’t utter a word. Over time they have gotten wary of that smile because it makes them feel powerless and they actually don’t know what she’s thinking plotting or what her next move is going to be. Find what works for you but avoid confrontation because a little shove will be reported as the merciless beating you gave your in-law and you definitely don’t need the ensuing drama.

  5. Be firm: My friend T, who is a pediatrician had issues with her mother-in-law when she came to take care of she and the baby. Every time her mother-in-law tried to give her baby water or a bit of soup saying breast milk wasn’t enough she stood her ground with a firm NO. It caused friction for a while but by her second pregnancy dear mother-in-law had adapted and was even the one advising the other women in the village not to do some of the things she had earlier on tried to do. T said she wasn’t rude or aggressive and never once raised her voice but she stood her ground and despite the complaints her in-law finally did as she asked. She also made sure she treated her very nicely all through her stay so that dear MIL couldn’t stay mad at her.

  6. Familiarity breeds contempt: Be nice, be courteous but do not give room for see-finish if you know that you are already walking on eggshells around your in-laws. Let there be a mutual respect between both of you and that can’t happen if they are already taking you for granted. Don’t be too available or too open. This is a delicate balance because they need to see that you have accepted them as family but at the same time they need to know that they cannot treat you anyhow.

  7. Let your spouse be your shield: If you have bad in-laws then more than ever you need to bond with your spouse to the extent that he is ready to defend you, fight for you and drink panadol for any little headache of yours. They are his family, he is the only one who is going to be able to make them leave you alone, the only person who can actually keep them in check without thinking twice. Agreed that some men like to sit on the fence when it’s their family versus their wife but really you live with him, sleep with him and take care of him, if you can’t sway him over to your side with all the ammunition love you have, then no one else can help you. Be prepared though because when a man makes his woman untouchable, it’s only a matter of time before they label the wife a daughter of the devil who has bewitched their son lol!

  8. Give them love and attention: These two ingredients work wonders on even the hardest hearts. Remember, hurting people hurt others. They may not respond to it at first simply because they doubt your sincerity but if you keep on loving and showing them you care eventually even the iciest of Queens will melt. Besides, what would Jesus do?

  9. First to report, wins the case: If you are having ongoing battles with your in-laws and it ultimately always ends with your husband acting as judge and jury then it would be in your best interest to be on the offensive instead of always defending yourself. So next time there’s a row, don’t wait till hubby starts asking you what you did to his mother/sister to try to convince him that you were the victim because it might already be a tad late since he would have already made up his mind based on the first story he heard, call him up and serve him your pain while it’s piping hot so that the Voltron in him can rise up and defend his universe! 😉

  10. Don’t be petty: It takes two to have an argument. Learn to overlook some things. Being long suffering is a virtue and a mature person doesn’t take offense at every little word or deed. Try to be the bigger person. The monster in-law might just be testing you, don’t fall for her poking. Many in-law battles start from the smallest of inconveniences and words that you could actually have turned a deaf ear to. Pick your battles, remember that not every one in the world is sane or in a good place, don’t let them rob you of your peace.

I am sure there are dozens of other foolproof tips for surviving bad in-laws. I hope these were helpful enough. May the odds always be in your favor!

And to round up I shall go over the 10 commandments of being a great in-law for those who weren’t aware or had forgotten! KJV MCV style 😉

Commandment number one: Thou shalt not meddle!

Commandment number two: Thou shalt treat her like she was thy own flesh and blood.

Commandment number three: Thou shalt not bully thy brother’s wife (or son’s wife).

Commandment number four: Thou shalt not try to emotionally blackmail thy kin against his/her spouse.

Commandment number five: Thou shalt not covet thy brother’s property (or son’s property).

Commandment number six: Thou shalt not compete for the affection of thy brother’s heart with his wife (or son’s heart).

Commandment number seven: Thou shalt know thy place as a guest in thy son’s house (or brother’s house).

Commandment number eight: Thou shalt not bring to tears anyone whose bride price was paid by your kin for whatever reason.

Commandment number nine: Thou shalt not play God in the lives of any person married into your family.

Commandment number ten: Thou shalt treat everyone the exact same way you hope to be treated for whatever thou soweth, thou shalt reap!

Amen and it’s a wrap!
Please read, share, like and comment.
Have a super weekend and may you be blessed with the most fabulous in-laws and may the bad ones have a heart transplant tonight! Shout out to all the great in-laws out there- mine included. The bad ones are just a copy gone wrong (Made in Aba) and we all know if it’s not panadol, it’s not the same thing as panadol!  😉

Xoxoxo

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2015 in Relationships

 

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