Today a colleague said hello to me and his breath smelt really bad. I thought of telling him but couldn’t find any less-awkward way of passing the message across without stealing his smile and deflating his ego. I wish I had a breath mint or a pack of gum to casually offer him as friends fondly do while averting a disaster with the utmost tact. Ah well, I had none of these neither liver nor spunk and since it was but a momentary whiff I let it go and focused on cheerier smells. Later in the day as I lay casually on my bed I began to reason about the very many hows that dictated polite society.
How do you tell a man that you didn’t cum?
How do you tell a date that you really must fart?
How do you tell a cab man to stop talking?
How do you tell a fella that his body odor is murderous?
How do you tell your wife that she is getting fat?
How do you tell your date that his clothes don’t match?
How do you tell your mum that you couldn’t give two hoots about getting married right now?
How do you tell that friend that it isn’t any of her business?
How do you tell that neighbor that you aren’t borrowing her a dime?
How do you tell that guest that it’s time to go home?
How do you tell that woman that her vajayjay reeks?
How do you tell that man that his fuzz is an evil forest?
How do you tell that admirer that he is damn creepy?
How do you tell your boss no for any reason?
How do you tell your lecturer no when he demands sex to pass his class?
How do you tell the politicians who used their resources to fund your campaign that you are done with their corrupt arses?
How do you tell your inlaws to let you breathe?
How do you tell your child to let you sleep?
If anyone has deduced how to get around telling the truth without hurting another’s feelings please share. The truth is supposed to liberate but how damning the truth becomes when the shoe is worn on the other foot…