Are you stuck in the past? Feeling like a dog because your
vomit ex seems so appealing? Are you beginning to feel leaving that relationship was a mistake? Have you realized the grass is truly not greener on the other side?
Whatever your reason may be, going back to an ex is a huge step and many times it’s a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes true love does still live there but before you even think about considering an ex, you have to critically ask yourself these 5 questions:
1. Am I interested in my ex because nobody better has come along and I am lonely or I am interested in him despite the great dudes that have come my way?
2. Whose fault was the break up? If it was his, am I ready to live with the faults that made me leave in the first place or am I expecting him to have changed? And if it was my fault, have I matured enough now not to hurt him again if given a second chance?
3. What are the odds that I will be given a second chance? Is he seeing anyone at the moment? Are they serious? Are we on good terms? Is there any sign that he still feels something for me?
4. Would I be able to handle his rejection if he chose not to get back with me? Would I be able to move on if he dumped me soon after we got back together as payback?
5. Would I be able to handle the negative energy from friends and foes who don’t want me to get back with him?
If you are confident about the answers to these questions, you can proceed. Remember that going into a relationship expecting an individual to change is foolhardy at best. If you are hell bent on making things right with that ex, here are ten tips that will give you a fighting chance!
1. Write a list of the ten things your ex loved most about you and make sure they are the first things he notices when he sees you. If those things are not physical, create scenarios where you can show off those attributes with him watching but don’t be too obvious!
2. Open the communication lines. Call him out of the blues or send a text message or readd him on your blackberry messenger. He will be suspicious no doubt but telling him you just wanna be friends is safe ground while you strategize. Remember you need to put him at ease if he is gonna let his guards down around you so don’t come on too strongly.
3. Go down memory lane. The good lane only please! Reminding him of your sweetest shared memories and how great you used to be together releases endorphins in his brain and would leave him nostalgic.
4. Do one remarkable thing he never thought you could do. He needs to see you as the new and improved version of yourself and if there is something he was always bugging you to do but you never got around to doing it, now is the time for action. Maybe he wanted you to lose a few pounds or get a masters degree. You may need to think hard but usually there is something.
5. Get better. Follow your dreams, get a makeover, go back to school, start your own business, the list is endless. An ex doesn’t wanna bump into you just to find out that nothing significant has happened in your life since the last time you guys dated. It reeks of stagnancy and that in itself is unattractive.
6. Take responsibility. A time will come in the pursuit of an ex when the hurt and the pain of the past relationship will be unearthed. Don’t play the blame game, don’t point fingers. Be as honest and sincere as you can be and take responsibility for the wrongs you did and apologize. This is a very big step, do not expect instant forgiveness. Give your ex time to heal and forgive.
7. Mark territory. Nobody knows a man like his ex. You know his favourite foods, music, movies, pet peeves, dislikes, what turns him on, his secrets and his fondest childhood memories. You have an edge over the new babe on the block (depending on how new she is). Just remember to keep it classy. No senseless fights or desperate moves. Forget all the rubbish you see on TV, there are ways to make your presence felt in a positive way that will aid the marking of territory. Just remember that men are anti-drama and even though we women may enjoy two guys fighting over us, the men are not keen on that sort of scenario. If he has a serious girlfriend, you may wanna back off because this may just be a very humiliating battle that you would most likely lose.
8. Get allies. His friends are your greatest allies because when it gets to the point where he isn’t sure whether to go back to you or not, he is gonna ask them for advice. Mend the fences with them. I know it’s easy to unfriend the friends of an ex and that’s probably what you did after the break up but if you are gonna have a successful second chance, you need them all on your side.
9. Create avenues for you to spend quality time with your ex. If you are still friends, suggest casual fun dates and if that won’t work, join a committee or group he is involved with. If all else fails, show up at his house with his favourite meal and a great movie or video game (not very tactful but it works). If he gives you a straight face, tell him you really need to talk.
10. Get involved in his life. Find out what you have missed since you guys were apart and fill in as many gaps as you can. Show him you care with ‘actions’ since your words may not mean much at this point (depending on the sort of breakup you had). Be his friend and his confidante and soon it would be just like old times. 🙂
Great romantic gestures also work wonders but use sparingly cos they temporarily distract from the underlying issues making you feel like you don’t have much work to do and you may end up with an unexpected disappointment when reality dawns on your ex.
Getting back with an ex is serious work and taking the easy way out usually means the issues are left unresolved and a future breakup awaits. Sex is a no-no, it’s one of the easy ways out and it may guarantee you a temporary spot on his bed (cc: Okafor’s law) but it will not give you the second chance you crave. Men do not equate sex with love.
So there you have it. Goodluck cos you are gonna need all the luck in the world 😉
p.s: if your ex was abusive or a cheat, getting back with him for whatever reason isn’t the best thing to do. A good man will come around soon…
Have a great day Chutzpah fam,
Please share your thoughts on re-dating an ex!