Good men are hard to find so what do you do when the good man you found has kids from a previous relationship or marriage and a very disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or simply put baby mama? Women all over the world will testify that it’s easier to date a man with kids when the mother of those kids is dead, on Mars or happily married but only a few women are that lucky.
So what do you do? You love this man and you know he could be the one but all that’s ringing in your head is the negativity that comes with poking your head into baby mama drama and your worldly wise friends keep telling you it’s no big deal (Same friends who encouraged you to stalk and beat up the chick your last man was cheating on you with). Well for the peace-loving, drama free lady, this is a big deal! You close your eyes and imagine the kids warming up to you like they did to Fraulein Maria in the Sounds of Music and hope their mother will just disappear but the reality is that kids don’t just warm up to daddy’s new love interest (unless they are very little) and baby mama’s wage a new war when there is a new woman on the scene (they fear that the man will use her as an excuse to run from his responsibilities)!
Here are five points to help you deal with this situation:
(In no particular order)
1. Set boundaries: Okafor’s law states that; if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in…), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover etc). [Culled from the urban dictionary].
This means that there’s a high possibility that your man was still sleeping with his baby mama howbeit occasionally before he met you. He and his baby mama are used to acting a certain way towards each other and the first thing you need to do is set boundaries. Baby mama needs to realize that there’s a new woman on the scene and that even though your man will still be available for his kids, he will cease to be available for her emotional/sexual needs and whims any longer.
2. Conflict resolution: A friend of mine dated a man years ago who had a baby mama and a kid and at the start of the relationship the man was not on speaking terms with his baby mama, had never even seen his child although he admitted the child was his and had never given a dime for child support. The first thing my friend had to do was work on her man and get him to extend an olive branch and step up to his responsibilities (it wasn’t a small task). She never got any trouble from the baby mama throughout the relationship because the baby mama clearly saw the positive changes in the man and was grateful for the help. Today the guy has a strong bond with his daughter which would not have been there if my friend hadn’t helped resolve the conflict.
3. Develop a relationship with his kids: Don’t be the aunty who is only nice to the kids when daddy is watching. Kids can smell a fake a mile away. Also don’t be the aunty who they only see when they see daddy. Spend some time alone with the kids, be nice, buy them stuff but don’t be a pushover. Kids can be bullies too and if they sense that you really need daddy’s approval, you may end up jumping to their every whim. Love them like you would love your own because one day they might be half yours. Lastly if the kids have a favorite aunt or uncle, make friends with the person. They are more likely to trust you if they see that the person trusts you too and never ever bad mouth their mum.
4. Avoid personal contact with his baby mama: You don’t need to be all up in her face. The less she sees of you the better. Quell the urge to seek her out or talk to her. Don’t feel like you are sizing up the competition. He chose you not her and being secure about your position in his life and heart will take away the joker she thinks she has. And if you do meet her, be cordial but firm. No fighting for whatever reason, walk away. If she disrespects you, talk to your man and have him take care of it. If he loves and respects you, he will protect you.
5. Don’t make his baby mama an issue: Always punctuating your sentences with baby mama this and baby mama that and how he already has a ready-made family etc. is going to wear your relationship thin in a hurry. Men want peace and this sort of behavior spells insecurity. By constantly reminding him of his baby mama you make her important and soon he will be thinking of her just as often as you do which would spell disaster for your relationship especially if she is still available. Don’t try to be like her or compete with her. He knew of her existence long before he asked you to be his woman. R-E-L-A-X and most importantly stay prayerful!!!
Have a great day chutzpah fam,