RSS

Baby Mama Drama: The 411 about dating a man with kids!

07 Feb

12529_447635505324716_425354952_n
Good men are hard to find so what do you do when the good man you found has kids from a previous relationship or marriage and a very disgruntled ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or simply put baby mama? Women all over the world will testify that it’s easier to date a man with kids when the mother of those kids is dead, on Mars or happily married but only a few women are that lucky.
So what do you do? You love this man and you know he could be the one but all that’s ringing in your head is the negativity that comes with poking your head into baby mama drama and your worldly wise friends keep telling you it’s no big deal (Same friends who encouraged you to stalk and beat up the chick your last man was cheating on you with). Well for the peace-loving, drama free lady, this is a big deal! You close your eyes and imagine the kids warming up to you like they did to Fraulein Maria in the Sounds of Music and hope their mother will just disappear but the reality is that kids don’t just warm up to daddy’s new love interest (unless they are very little) and baby mama’s wage a new war when there is a new woman on the scene (they fear that the man will use her as an excuse to run from his responsibilities)!
Here are five points to help you deal with this situation:
(In no particular order)
1. Set boundaries: Okafor’s law states that; if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in…), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover etc). [Culled from the urban dictionary].
This means that there’s a high possibility that your man was still sleeping with his baby mama howbeit occasionally before he met you. He and his baby mama are used to acting a certain way towards each other and the first thing you need to do is set boundaries. Baby mama needs to realize that there’s a new woman on the scene and that even though your man will still be available for his kids, he will cease to be available for her emotional/sexual needs and whims any longer.
2. Conflict resolution: A friend of mine dated a man years ago who had a baby mama and a kid and at the start of the relationship the man was not on speaking terms with his baby mama, had never even seen his child although he admitted the child was his and had never given a dime for child support. The first thing my friend had to do was work on her man and get him to extend an olive branch and step up to his responsibilities (it wasn’t a small task). She never got any trouble from the baby mama throughout the relationship because the baby mama clearly saw the positive changes in the man and was grateful for the help. Today the guy has a strong bond with his daughter which would not have been there if my friend hadn’t helped resolve the conflict.
3. Develop a relationship with his kids: Don’t be the aunty who is only nice to the kids when daddy is watching. Kids can smell a fake a mile away. Also don’t be the aunty who they only see when they see daddy. Spend some time alone with the kids, be nice, buy them stuff but don’t be a pushover. Kids can be bullies too and if they sense that you really need daddy’s approval, you may end up jumping to their every whim. Love them like you would love your own because one day they might be half yours. Lastly if the kids have a favorite aunt or uncle, make friends with the person. They are more likely to trust you if they see that the person trusts you too and never ever bad mouth their mum.
4. Avoid personal contact with his baby mama: You don’t need to be all up in her face. The less she sees of you the better. Quell the urge to seek her out or talk to her. Don’t feel like you are sizing up the competition. He chose you not her and being secure about your position in his life and heart will take away the joker she thinks she has. And if you do meet her, be cordial but firm. No fighting for whatever reason, walk away. If she disrespects you, talk to your man and have him take care of it. If he loves and respects you, he will protect you.
5. Don’t make his baby mama an issue: Always punctuating your sentences with baby mama this and baby mama that and how he already has a ready-made family etc. is going to wear your relationship thin in a hurry. Men want peace and this sort of behavior spells insecurity. By constantly reminding him of his baby mama you make her important and soon he will be thinking of her just as often as you do which would spell disaster for your relationship especially if she is still available. Don’t try to be like her or compete with her. He knew of her existence long before he asked you to be his woman. R-E-L-A-X and most importantly stay prayerful!!!

Have a great day chutzpah fam,
xoxo

Advertisements
 
19 Comments

Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

19 responses to “Baby Mama Drama: The 411 about dating a man with kids!

  1. Grace

    November 16, 2015 at 2:35 am

    thank you. I def needed this!

     
  2. Linda

    February 11, 2016 at 5:40 am

    Have a situation with a man I’m dating. We are very serious with one another possibly thinking about marriage in the future. Such a good guy. However, one problem needless to say one big problem. His two kids and their sick mother who he takes care of. He loves me but takes care another woman because she is sick and can’t work and he’s feels it’s his obligation. I’m so confuse on what shld I do? I’m torn between having true love to something idk if want any parts of. Please give some advise.

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      February 12, 2016 at 5:43 pm

      Hi Linda, it’s normal to feel slightly threatened when a man spends any amount of time with his baby mama but you need to be clear on some things because your worry seems to stem from unanswered questions. Is he just being a good guy or does he still have feelings for baby mama? Will spending so much time with them make him want her back? Discuss these two questions with him and if he assures you that it’s you his heart beats for, bury your fears, focus on the wonderful relationship you have and live your life. A good man should never be judged based on his past. Have a little faith in him. Hope this helps…xxx

       
    • Zoe

      March 17, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      I think that is wrong. I understand she is sick and he has a good heart but he is only responsible for The kids. She isn’t his child. She needs to find a way to support herself as a woman. Does she have family? What illness is it? Is she dying? You gotta protect your heart girl. When the relationship ends so does the leaning on the partner. How would he take it if you were still taking care of your ex? You need to talk to him calmy. Tell him how you feel, that you love him but that’s disrespectful to your relationship. The only woman he should be looking out for is you and his mama if she needs help here and there. Many baby mama’s have a good man run them off and use the kids as leverage. If the man has never put is foot down in the relationship she feels no need to stand up and be a woman and handle her own business. Sick or not. It’s in our dna to be strong.

       
  3. Flo

    March 3, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    i have the same problem except the baby mom is very spiteful and bitter. she’s and out the hospital and threatens to take the kids and move ,threaten his business, she’s been treating me calling my phone i blocked heron social media and everything . she’s doing all this just for being with me. he’s trying to be nice and helping to her to keep her calm and he feels bad that she’s been sick for months. I know he’s a good man and  I love him beyond anything ,he wants to marry me. Do I support him in ”keeping her calm” and trust him to handle it , or leave because its so much?

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      March 13, 2016 at 5:08 pm

      hi Flo, the final decision to stay or leave is entirely yours to make. There’s a saying in Nigeria “Don’t smell what you can’t eat”. If you can’t handle the drama then walk away but if you choose to stay, remember that your man is gonna need you to be strong, to focus on what you both have and not on his past. Can you do that? Can you rise above the drama to a place of happiness and peace?

       
  4. Rhoda

    April 24, 2016 at 8:51 am

    At the end, it’s all up to. Tell your man you can’t stand to watch him care for his ex, someone he’s told that he loves before as if they are together. Tell her that it makes you feel secondary and you will not tell him to stop taking care of her like that but you will not stay to watch and be hurt. Be ready to step out of the relationship if you have to. Your sanity and emotional wellbeing is important and to stop has to be his decision. You donot fully know the history, he may be doing this out of guilt and if that’s the case theee are still complex ties between that are going to drive you crazy. So tell him you can’t stand to watch him care for another woman, and ex, the way he’s only supposed to for only you and his blood family.
    By the way, the post is by far the best I’ve seen with regards to the topic. God bless you all

     
  5. Marlene

    June 21, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    My main issue with my boyfriend’s BM is she has brainwashed her daughter to never listen to me and to treat me like crap. I understand that the kid is never at fault, but her behavior towards me causes me to begin hating the kid at times. My boyfriend and I have spoken about it and he has subtly told his BM but not much has been done to fix the issue. His daughter is usually so sweet with me and my boyfriend and I are extremely happy and in love. Help…

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      June 21, 2016 at 11:44 pm

      Hi Marlene, I know it may seem disagreeable that she treats you badly but the only way to fight and win is to love her and keep loving her. See her as an extension of your boyfriend and not his BM. Eventually she will come around and treat you better though she may still act up every once in a while simply because she loves her mother and being nice to you would seem like a betrayal to her mum. Be patient with her and focus on the great things happening in your life. It will get better, give it some time.

       
  6. Camile

    August 13, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    My boyfriends babymomma messages me and harasses me and tells me that he was at her house and was sleeping with her… i want to believe him but i also have trust issues im trying to work on. We’ve been dating for 6 months and sometimes i dont know if i should continue on. Hes so perfect but the baby momma drama is a lot. She’s even threatened to send my family inappropriate pictures that he sent her in the past if he doesnt talk to her and answer her texts that are not related to the baby.

     
  7. Miz Chutzpah

    August 18, 2016 at 8:29 pm

    That’s a whole lot of drama Camile but don’t let it wear you down. If you know your heart is in it 100% then brace up and ignore her attention seeking antics and warn your family beforehand about her so she doesn’t spring any unpleasant surprises. You also need to tackle the trust issue head on because he is either cheating or he isn’t! You don’t want her tormenting you with that all the time. If your gut tells you something isn’t right then don’t wait around hoping it’ll fix itself. If a man is going to bring baby mama drama into a relationship, the least he can be is 100% committed to you and the relationship!

     
  8. Anon

    August 20, 2016 at 6:37 pm

    So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 11 months. When we were dating for about four months when some random fake page messaged me a picture of him and his baby mom together. I ignored it I didn’t even respond I showed it to him and he said it was an old picture which I knew it was old because we weren’t together when that picture was taken. Now I’m thinking maybe that could’ve been his baby mom. His baby mama messaged me on social media The following month telling me that they were still together and that she heard about me in December. This was in March and on my birthday she messaged me because she said she knew it was my birthday that he would be with me. . I didn’t get angry or yell I just showed him the message and we talked about it. He told me to call her and gave me her number. I called her on speakerphone with him right there they started to get into an argument she called me an ugly bitch and he then got angry and started to insult her. She even brought up the fact that a close friend of his passed away and he was at the funeral with me and that she couldn’t go. I was so surprised with the whole exchange that I didn’t even say a word. He ended up hanging up the phone on her after everything. I still remain calm but I told him directly that if he is still in a relationship with her then they should work things out and I will remove myself. He assured me that they were not in a relationship but he did admit that he was the leading her on and not honest about now having a girlfriend. Fast forward to the present day. His birthday just passed. And he had a birthday party. She was not there and we spent the night out together. But she still post things on social media saying that they’re still together. He and I speak all day and all night. When we are at work we still stay in contact whether it’s FaceTime or on the phone. Even with all of that I still feel uneasy about this. I expressed my concerns to him and he said that she was just another girl he was dealing with and the only good thing that came out of it was his son. He said that he just always knew that she would be there so he would do things to lead her on so he can get his way but he isn’t doing that anymore. I told my friend about the situation and she was the one that went on her social media and read what she wrote because I know that women can be Petty sometimes and post things that are not necessarily true so I don’t choose to go on her social media. But my friend is the type to do it and she would tell me what she sees. I would really appreciate your insight on the situation I do want to stay with him because I don’t want to leave without anything solid because I do love him and I know that he loves me. Just by the way he prioritizes me and ensure that I know where he is even when he doesn’t have to because I don’t even ask. it’s just this whole thing with the baby mom and I’m not gonna lie it makes me feel insecure because I don’t have his child and i know they have a greater bond I just wanna get passed this especially with the way that it started off. We spent all major holidays together spend Valentine’s Day together Christmas New Year’s my birthday his birthday Fourth of July but does that all even matter? Please help I really need some advice thank you

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      August 22, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      Dear Anon, I totally understand your insecurities but having a baby with him outside marriage would in no way allay your fears. They would instead be far worse because of the fear of abandonment of you and your child or your child having to compete with another child outside your home for time, affection and finances. Now back to your relationship, what does your sixth sense say? Do you believe him? He is doing all the right things to show he is undeniably committed to you but if you still have your doubts, you need to dig deeper. Is there any substance to his baby mama’s claims? Is she specific about when and where she hooked up with your man or does she just hint at it? If there are no specifics that can be verified please ignore her and live your life. If he wanted her he would be with her. He picked you, he chose you, he wants to be with you! Don’t let any one take that away from you without real proof. He seems like a good guy to me, ignore his baby mama!

       
  9. Scattered Mind

    September 22, 2016 at 12:40 am

    My fiance and I are getting married next month. He has a bm who live 3 hours away. She been making his life hell about they 3 yr old son. Since she found out he has been in a relationship she has been wanting him more involved in his child life. Yes, she called me out my name when he say he has to run things by his wife. Well, tomorrow she is coming to bring him his son, they will meet at his mpm house, but she is bringing her mom with her. He said that his mom and her mom wants to meet and that they have spoken over the phone sometime ago and that he wants to bring his bm mom to our home to meet me. I instantly said no. Both my parents are dead and I feel some type of way with the fact he even have a friendship with her mom. He said it’s only in best interest of his son. I said your son is only 3. I need advice please. I feel that he is still in love with her and he is lieing to me. He said her mom has lupus. I dont want to sound mean but her mom had lupus before him and will always have it. Now wrong thoughts is rolling in my head. I think he setting things up to where the grandmoms spend time with the grandson while bm and him mess around. Am I overreacting?

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      September 22, 2016 at 7:22 am

      Please calm down, he loves you enough to have proposed and you are getting married next month. The baby mama was there before you came on the scene but he didn’t choose her, he didn’t even consider marrying her after she got pregnant or when he held his son so I think you are good. Be strong, don’t let your insecurities make you say mean things or do something you would regret. Don’t cause problems in your relationship because of fear. Set boundaries, if the grandmum or baby mama wanna see the boy, either you go with your man to drop him off or you ask your man to drop him off and not stay because even though you respect the fact that they have a kid, you are not comfortable with your man spending time with his ex. If the baby mama says she needs to discuss stuff concerning the child’s welfare with him, you will go along with your man for the meeting because in a month’s time, you will be the child’s legal stepmother and guardian. So stay calm, be strong, the odds are in your favour!

       
  10. Keisha

    November 12, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    I have been with my SO for almost 4 years and I need some advice on the situation I am going through. My SO ex wife of 12 years has become sick recently and he took it upon himself to make a decision without me to have his 4 kids stay at our house. I felt since they are his kids I won’t put much of a fuss. My problem is the fact that he use his kids as an excuse of why he so involved in finding out information that pertains to his ex wife. It has gotten to the point that his ex wife family is calling him for information about his ex wife. I don’t understand why would they be calling him knowing they are not together. I feel totally disrespected and he doesn’t even see it being disrespectful. It has gotten to where my sister and I was talking to him about the situation and mention his ex wife SO and my SO comes out the mouth and says “Thats not his ex wife man anymore”. Why? would he care if her man is her man anymore. Then it comes to why do you need to go see her in the hospital when she has family in the same city as her. Once again his excuse “Because we have kids together”. I am speechless and feeling all kinds of emotions over all of this. Then during a conversation my SO was having with his ex wife brother he tells him ” He was going to beat his ex wife SO if he had something to do with her being sick”. Does that sound OK to anyone else because it doesn’t sound right to me at all.

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      November 13, 2016 at 12:15 pm

      Hi Keisha, there are 3 reasons why a man would be so involved with his ex. 1) He feels guilty because he was the one that screwed up what they had together 2) He feels responsible because they have kids together and she has no one else (without feeling romantic towards her) and 3) He still carries a torch for her. You cannot automatically assume it’s one or the other without proof. How were things between you and your man before his ex got sick? Prior to her being sick had you ever suspected he was still into her? Has he ever been unfaithful to you? If he has not given you reason to worry prior to this time, please relax and trust that He is only acting this way because He is a good person. I know one of the reasons you are with him is because you thought he was a genuinely good person. Being protective of his sick ex doesn’t in any way diminish his love for you unless his love was already in question prior to her illness. Try to be supportive. Many battles are won with kindness. Be by his side every step of the way. If he is going to see her, offer to go along. If you see the way they act around each other you are less likely to imagine more sinister scenarios or feelings. Your feelings are valid but bringing them up right now may seem selfish so stay supportive and if it still bugs you later on when things are not so crazy find time to bring it up but please don’t be perceived as the crazy SO who is jealous of a woman sick in the hospital without reason aii? Stay calm and in control! Xxx

       
  11. Ebony

    December 2, 2016 at 10:22 am

    I need najor advice. My man has a child in SC and we stay in NJ. The baby mother is dropping the child off for a visit. She wants to stay 3 days at his house. He asked me how I feel. I am completely uncomfortable and very turned off that he entertained the idea. There is no reason for her to stay. I’m completely ok with them being alone and doing stuff with the kid I just don’t see why she has to soend the night.

     
    • Miz Chutzpah

      December 2, 2016 at 10:07 pm

      Hi Ebony, yep that’s definitely crossing the line. Talk to him about how it makes you feel and let him know you find it really inappropriate but try not to lose your cool, you don’t want to sound insecure.

       

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: