1. Wedding Chronicles: AISHA…

29 Dec

One day I’m gonna meet the man of my dreams and have a big, fancy wedding and have beautiful kids and live happily ever after…

And we all said ‘Amen’…our minds wandering into the deep abyss where dreams lay. Each with our own version modified to suit our perception of perfection!

Fast forward 10 years, countless breakups, half a dozen magas and some endless nights praying and prowling and we were singing a different song…

Now Aisha just wants a man who won’t cheat on her…

Tayo only asks for a man who will provide for her…

Sheila wants a man who’ll treat her right…

Amaka just wants him to put a ring on it already!

It’s the last saturday of the year and as four of them sit behind the bridesmaids at their friend’s wedding, their minds wander far far away…


Aisha glanced at her blackberry absent-mindedly as Mide said his vows, the red light had caught her attention. It was Tosin again. She’d told him she’d be too busy to respond to his pings and the truth was, even reading them would infuriate her. She hastily put her phone in her purse.

Why were men such dogs? Why would Tosin continue to cheat on her regardless of her devotion to him? She had been faithful for the 4 years they had been dating which was more than she could say for him. The first year she had snooped around his BBM, checked his emails and facebook constantly and kept tabs on his received and dialled calls. Still she had caught him cheating!

The second year she had decided to unleash her ‘craze’. She had bitch-slapped any woman who as much as smiled at her man, caused loads of scenes and embarrassed him to no end but still he had cheated on her.

The third year she had cried, threatened to leave and reported him to their pastor but still he had cheated. She had even resorted to praying MFM prayers against strange women and her favourite…‘Lord, if he is ever led into temptation, may his penis embarrass and fail him’. She wasn’t sure if the prayers worked but now in the 4th year of their relationship she was tired!

She had seen it all in relationships, mostly the bad and the ugly. Her men were always addicted to something. She remembered Ife who was addicted to wine and had almost killed her that night when he rammed into a stationary truck. She unconsciously rubbed the scar on her left arm. Then there was Leye who was addicted to weed and had hit her every now and again and now Tosin and his women addiction. They had all loved her but self-preservation had driven her from one relationship to the next.

Why couldn’t she find a man who would be faithful to her? Her friend Toun believed all men cheated and asked her to just ignore and be thankful considering the sort of men she’d had in the past but Tosin’s infidelity was driving her nuts. She remembered what his mother had told her…”Aisha all men cheat, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. You must learn to close your eyes.”
She felt like screaming. Why was everybody so accepting of male infidelity. She brought out her ipad and began to type. ‘7 ways to tackle a cheating man named Tosin!’. These would have to be 7 things she hadn’t tried before and since the pastor was just getting started she allowed herself fully focus on the task at hand!

Rule number 1: Don’t date a man that cheats! This should be a disclaimer really cos prevention is better than cure and if he already was a cheat then getting him to stop cheating would be as easy as getting Leye to give up weed! No matter what reasons he had for infidelity, a good man stayed faithful. If he did it to her, he’ll do it to you…
Tosin pinged again, she knew it was him when she felt her phone vibrate. She seethed and turned her attention back to her rules. She vowed not to date him in her next life…

Rule number 2: Don’t forgive a cheating man more than once! She winced as she typed number 2. She’d forgiven Tosin more times than she could count. Her friends Sheila and Amaka believed she was a coward who was afraid of being alone. They weren’t taking love as an excuse and truthfully neither was she. The fear of the unknown just kept her there, willing to forgive but unable to get rid of the bitterness and distrust that grew with each crime. He had a cute smile though and the way he cried when he begged for forgiveness…

Rule number 3: Don’t blame yourself. Yes there are things you could have done to fortify your relationship and increase the bond but it is never your fault if your guy cheats. He is responsible for his own actions. And it is his unwillingness to honour his commitment to you coupled with his lack of honesty and ultimately his inability to tackle relationship issues that led to the cheating. Kapische! Aisha smiled, blaming Tosin instead of herself for his philandering was a new concept but she was ready to embrace it…

Rule number 4: Ditch your routine! Being unpredictable is exciting, mysterious and sexy. Leave a lot to the imagination while you are at it! Be vague! She knew she had seriously goofed here. She felt like Tosin had ‘seen her finish’. She walked around the house naked all the time. She told him her every thought. He knew where she was and who she was with and what she planned to do before she did it and it drove her crazy that he still maintained a life separate from hers. She knew she was hot but maybe see-finish was not the way to go…besides, if he didn’t know her routine, he wouldn’t have brought that Sunbo girl to the house!

Rule number 5: Compliment him, make him feel special. She knew that Tosin craved attention! But the fear that giving it to him would make him feel too big with himself and too much for one woman made her give him more criticism and harsh words than she intended. Why couldn’t he see that all those bone-heads were just ‘psyching’ him? Maybe she should swap strategies and start the psyches! She knew how to make her man feel good after all he was her man…
Tosin pinged again! “Leave me oh! Ah!”

*Rule number 6: Take a break! Yep, the next time Tosin cheated on her she was gonna break up with him. Not permanently though, she couldn’t bear to live without the goat and even if she could survive without him, she would ease into it gently and taking a break was the first step. She wondered if Tosin would fight for her if she chose to walk away…well it depended on if he thought she was going for good! She asterisked number 6! Men never know what they have till it’s gone!

Rule number 7: Give him a taste of his own medicine! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. She wouldn’t actually cheat cos infidelity made her sick to her tummy. She was a lover any day…but desperate measures were needed and thankfully Tosin had never met her cousin Dayo! She smiled wickedly…hello Dayo my luv…

She was jolted out of her reverie by two conflicting sounds. The roar of the congregation as the pastor pronounced the couple man and wife and the embarrassing sms tone on her phone. She quickly killed the music very aware of the disapproving stares and checked to see who had sent the message.

“Aisha will you marry me?”

Tosin was a joker but she couldn’t help smiling, 2013 would certainly be a great year…time to implement plan B!

Hey chutzpah fam, starting a new series called wedding chronicles…will post a story every saturday and not just for the girls. 😉 xoxoxo


Posted by on December 29, 2012 in Wedding Chronicles


6 responses to “1. Wedding Chronicles: AISHA…

  1. worshipandswag

    December 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Hahahaha this cracked me up good. I can’t wait for more of this. Anxiously anticipating what happens next 🙂

  2. Oluwasumptuous

    December 29, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Interesting read. Can’t wait for the rest.

  3. eva

    December 29, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Very nice dear!! Anxiously waiting…..for part 2!!!!!

  4. funshe!

    December 29, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    duni, me, u ,yetty loool am sure u undastand

  5. nshina

    January 14, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Ha ha ha…Nice one Neetah! I enjoyed reading this a lot…*thumbs up*

  6. christine

    January 29, 2013 at 1:03 am

    nice one!


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