18 Oct

Dancing has always been a hobby of mine, not that I’m good at it but I dance with my heart and soul, jumping around like I’m the only girl in the world and back in the days, on the rare occasion where I needed to impress, robo-robo dance always provided an acceptable escape route. For anyone who doesn’t know what robo-robo dance is, let me enlighten you. When a girl who is well to moderately endowed dances like Beyonce, Nicki Minaj or Shakira on the dance floor; generally rubbing or beckoning for rubs, she has gone into robo-robo dance mode. Three categories of women employ this gyration on a regular. The woman on the dance floor with a spouse or lover, the attention-seeking tease and those who need to sell their wares. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell (1) and (3) apart. (2) is easily spotted because she generally does the dance without a partner or ignores her partner since the world is her oyster and she’s often seen in a spot that guarantees all eyes on her. πŸ˜‰

Now we’ve all had our share of clubs and club-nights. From ladies night to BYOB (bring your own beer) to TGIF. Clubs have come up with all sorts of reasons for us to spend money. I particularly love the combo of calories going up in smoke as I work that body and loud music pounding in my ear. Not being big on alcohol and being a non-smoker, the club doesn’t hold as much appeal for me as it does for some. For a whole lot of guys, clubbing is a drug. It goes beyond looking good and dancing all night. The need to pop something while the DJ does his thing has drained the pockets of many a man looking for trips after office hours. A bottle of Moet at some clubs costs almost as much as my soon-to-be-bought brazilian weave and yet the guys have the balls to blame us women for the lack of completion of their one-bedroom apartments! Smh!
The average guy knows he ain’t Mr money bags and with the bills piling up, as long as there isn’t a person or occasion that demands he ‘show himself’, why on earth should he buy alcohol for 300% more when he could fill the tank at a cheaper gas station?
So ladies if you’ve ever wondered why the guy who took you clubbing is in a very happy mood on his way to the club even though he swears he just got off work, I’ll tell you why…I just hope my poor dear, you haven’t imagined for a second that it’s your barely there, see-through, so-above-the-knee-that-it’s-kissing-your-crotch dress, that has him all excited. Ok maybe, that’s part of the reason! But the truth is, he’s filled his tank so he is already high on cheap wine! Now how do you spot this guy? He is usually the one nursing one drink for the entire night yet he is as high as all the other inebriated folk at the club. Sounds like your average Lagos hustler? Well not all of them resort to this, others have found more ingenious ways. Here are 5 more SHANGRY ways men have tried to cheat the toll-free clubs and play a fast one on the bouncers. Shangry is an in-house slang meaning shabby and hungry πŸ™‚ though the men are far from that judging by their appearances and their designer clothes and powerful perfumes announcing their arrival! πŸ˜‰
Anyway, here goes:
1. Hiding alcohol in their baggy jeans and jackets. Yep! I’ve seen a guy get frisked at Bacchus and he revealed a bottle of Hennessy that was supposed to be part of his ‘Nollywood-pregnancy’ belly. Did he really think he had ’em fooled?
2. Making their girlfriends carry alcohol for them. This is really low. A classmate once asked me to smuggle alcohol for him into a club and I flat out refused. Yes I’m a chicken but those bouncers looked unfriendly. I could imagine a hundred good uses for their bulging muscles and none of them included picking me up like a little rag doll and throwing me out. The guy decided to do number one above and got bounced, He then attempted number three below, didn’t work either. All for awoof-alcohol! Smh
3. Bribing a bouncer: Boys get liver gannnn! You walk up to a frowning bouncer, the sounds of bottles of booze clinking and clanking in your suspiciously bulging pockets and fish out two to five hundred naira, nervously glance upwards at the towering height and then offer your money. He scornfully remains mute and the money wilts a little then those around you hear a nervous cackle and a clearing of throat, ‘My guy how far now? Abeg make you manage this, I be your boy na!’. Then you quickly calculate the cost and double the tip. A good bouncer says ‘No’ and then does his job which entails kicking him out. A bad bouncer takes the money and still does his job! πŸ™‚
4. Having a pre-club party in the car: Now this happens a lot especially when guys are clubbing in large groups. They pack their cars either in the parking lot of the club or close to it, put their radios on full volume jamming the latest gbedu and drink and shout till they are high before appearing as sober as they dare in front of a bouncer, seeking permission into the club! The last time I went for a bachelor’s eve at a club, this went down and it was quite funny. The large crowd made the party outside more enjoyable than the sleepy DJ and crowded dance-floor inside! πŸ˜‰
5. Buying booze on credit! At a club? Yes! I’m not kidding. I followed some friends to PLAY nightclub in Abuja a while back and we sat in VIP and ordered expensive booze and when it was 3am and time to leave, one of the guys gave the bartender’s assistant a cheque! A cheque payable during the week. I no fit shout. She followed us to the car scared she’d lose her job but he cajoled her and assured her that he was a member of the club and because she recognised him, she let him go. I really do hope she didn’t lose her job over it! Apparently paying the exclusive membership dues at a club has its perks! πŸ˜‰

So there you have it, 5+1 ways Naija boys get high without draining their pockets. Please share if you have more stories to tell. πŸ™‚
Alcohol has become a universal stress-reliever and symbol of good times ahead.
I won’t be the medical doctor I am and pour cold water on y’all by telling you the ills of binge and excessive drinking. A friend of mine drank 9 alomo bitters aka kasaprekos in one-sitting, he lived to tell the tale and will tell you if you ask that awoof dey run bele! πŸ˜‰ I was watching 1000 ways to die on Sony and a couple got blind and then died after getting high on methanol! Na wa! 😦
Also many guys have confessed to having partial amnesia after one-too many glasses of wine. You could make all sorts of life-altering decisions when high on the bottle! Beware!

So to my alcoholics-O,I,K,F,L,S,G,C,M,B,T (you know yourselves) take a cue from Buddyluv! It’s his birthday today and he says don’t expect any alcohol at his party! Happy birthday Bode. Much love! πŸ˜‰

Have a great day peeps…xoxoxo πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰


Posted by on October 18, 2011 in Uncategorized


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4 responses to “Almost-Awoof-Alcohol!

  1. Lue

    October 18, 2011 at 10:24 am

    lwkmd……………..i killed myself laughing o.
    that no 3 is really way too low.
    happy birthday bode

  2. doll

    October 18, 2011 at 11:20 am

    wow. that’s all i can say, shayo on credit???thats new to me

  3. Neduzi

    October 18, 2011 at 11:35 am

    You won’t kill me oooo! You have practically studied all them dudes, babe you’ve got eyes for details, he he he, Doctors got to!

    Another funny trick, well I and by dudes used it. About 12 guys and 10 babes, 2 guys were celebrating their birthdays, most def we needed to parry and club. Choice club was Rehab, Needed booze were got at real cheap value at Shoprite, you know (Winks). Good a thing a friend knew one of the bartenders and the arrangement was BAM! The bartender got the bottles of booze in the evening prior to the night, dropped some bucks for him, secured a nice VIP section, popped 2 Jack Daniels from Rehab and the rest of the booze were ours. You see the way it goes. Funny crazy ish but it was awesome after all

    As always

  4. Nshina

    October 20, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Entertaining as always…


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