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My Chemical Romance

29 Aug

    A long time ago, people didn’t marry who they loved, they loved who they married…

Sounds like a really, really, really long time ago right? But so many things have gone wrong in our world, and amidst the wars, destruction, economical crises and famine, there’s a new scourge. One that was such a shocker in times past but is now almost like pure water. Divorce!

People don’t plan to get divorced or so they think but what I’ve always pointed out is that you don’t get a brain transplant after you say ‘I do’.

In our grand parent’s time, there weren’t things like relationships in the way we look at it today. There were courtships. A man looked and looked, till he saw what he wanted and then courted her for an acceptable period and then they got married and after that, however she turned out, he was stuck with her. He sometimes added a new wife but never ever disposed of the former unless she was adulterous or tried to kill him. 🙂

Courtship wasn’t a trial and error phase. It wasn’t a time to test the goods and after eating half the food on the plate, reject the meal that was served. No! Courtship was a time to prepare for a life together. To get acquainted with each other’s families, to become your intended’s friend, to develop a love that was a product of a decision already made. They weren’t hasty, no. They did their homework, asking people who interacted with the woman about her because back in the days, men were wise… They knew that a woman who was openly being courted would hide her flaws and mask her true nature.They knew better than to try and discover her true character for themselves. Instead they watched her from afar, let her be in her natural habitat, saw her relationship with the world. And if they liked what they saw, they made a move.

The women had many suitors, they’d stand and talk for hours and though the men begged for a little more of their time and affection, they carefully guarded their hearts till they found one that they could trust. They asked questions, they sought counsel. They watched him at work and watched him at play. Wanting to be sure that he was a man they could love and submit to, a man worthy of their respect. There was no compulsion to tell the world that they belonged to a man who had not made his intentions clear or known. Being his ‘girlfriend’ was not a craved-for title. They selected a partner based on what was important to them. If their heart was set on material things, then they picked the wealthiest of the lot and if their heart was a romantic one, they picked the one who made their heart glad but it was a process. And it was made very clear to them that they had to stick to their decision.

Fast forward to the 21st century…men and women are in a constant hurry. A man picks a woman based on three things. Her looks, the sexual chemistry and the facade she puts up as her personality. He doesn’t care to dig deeper before he commences because he either isn’t ready for a long term commitment or feels that if she is all wrong, he can start over like a great gamble till he finally gets lucky. Even when he asks about her, the questions would not make it into a standard personality assessment test. They questions are cliche…What do you do for fun? What are your likes and dislikes? What turns you on? What’s your Biodata? Every sharp woman knows the sensible answers to these questions. I could morph from reverend sister to intelligent nerd to fun, feisty girl at the drop of a hat depending on who or what was at stake. All eyes on the prize! Women are no better. When money isn’t our driving factor, then we focus on his looks and even when we claim a depth above the average woman and focus on his character, our limited senses don’t unravel even a hair’s breath of information about a new beau before we jump in, head first. And we have a perfect excuse for our foolhardy haste….an entity called LOVE 🙂

People say ‘you cannot help who you fall in love with‘ and yes you cannot help the release of endorphins from your brain or the Oxytocin that gives you butterflies…These hormones work in sync with your limbic system, giving you the ‘high’ we call love. But where is that love some months down the line when you cannot stand to look at your ex? or when you walk away from a woman you once claimed to love, without batting an eyelid? If truly we have progressed over the centuries and developed a society that makes love the guiding principle for its copulation rather than a pairing of people with similar structural and social encoding then why is divorce so rampant? Could it be that a chemical romance parading as sexual attraction has totally redefined what we call love? Why risk all on a love that could in time, change to indifference and hate if subjected to the right amount of pressure?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to be with someone whom you had developed a genuine friendship with, one who knew you in and out, your flaws and virtues and then allowed the love to blossom? Than to love a perfect stranger only to realize you couldn’t live with his/her flaws. When a person takes his time, it is assumed that he is dull,has options, or too much shakara. Everyone is quick to swallow the eager fish only to be in agony when the bones get stuck in their throat. The average woman has dated four men by the time she is married and slept with a bit more than that. Every time she changed relationships, the excuses were the same. He cheated or they weren’t feeling the love anymore or they grew apart or there were storms they couldn’t weather or she discovered something new about him she couldn’t live with etc. We do the same thing every time but expect a different outcome. And then she gets married, already used to leaving at the first sign of trouble and you expect it will be different this time? Marriage isn’t much different, the storms are pretty much the same, the only difference is you can’t jump ship when there’s a storm. Seems like everyone is forgetting this. The men even more than the women. Now pastors are getting divorced, senators are getting divorced, beggars are getting divorced… Haba! Only celebrities used to get divorced back in the day…

Here are the top ten reasons for divorce worldwide:

– Disagreements on financial issues concerning bills, debts, spending, budgets, savings and wife’s earnings.

– Inability to discuss/disagree/dialogue without conflict/misunderstandings/boredom. Poor communication prior to marriage will escalate after tying the knot.

– Problems with sexual frequency, quality, and infidelity. Sex before marriage to ‘test the goods’ has not been shown to reduce this in anyway.

– Physical, Psychological, or Emotional Abuse towards spouse or children.

– Growing distant, disinterested, and eventually bored with each other. This often occurs if you were never friends and have nothing in common except the love you share. When the love wanes you find yourself cohabiting with a stranger.

– Differences in ethnicity, religion and culture. Couples may find themselves being pressured by the expectations of their spouse, or their spouse’s family to conform to the ideals of the other.

Disputes over the appropriate upbringing of a child. If you were brought up by indulging parents and your spouse was brought up by disciplinarians, your child rearing styles may clash and be criticized.

– Addictions; An addiction is an acquired compulsion to repeatedly engage in an activity, putting it before everything else, to the point that it negatively affects other priorities and prevents you from spending quality time together. It may include food, gambling, drugs and alcohol, the Internet, games, porn, your career/job, religious activities, partying, football etc

– Disillusionment: The ability to adapt to changes in married life often depends on having realistic expectations about a spouse and the marriage relationship itself. It is common for disillusionment to set in when romantic or other unrealistic expectations are not met. Marriage is not an escape from your life or a ticket out of poverty, like all beds of roses, it has its thorns.

– Personality clashes: marriage seems to amplify faults and personality incompatibilities may lead to a divorce.

If you have these areas covered before jumping in, it could save you a divorce and eventually, less children will suffer the psychological effects of a broken home. Patience is key, it is better to study a person well before committing. Hurrying into a relationship will lead to more heartbreaks and result in more cases of commitment phobia. Take your time, Do your homework! Save a marriage today! 🙂

Have a bomb-free week and a fabulous holiday….xoxoxo 😉

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18 Comments

Posted by on August 29, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Relationships

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

18 responses to “My Chemical Romance

  1. umcheckplease

    August 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    LOVE this post… and totally agree with you. I love watching old movies where you see how chivalrous the men were and how puritanical courting was. Nowadays it is so different. People don’t try as hard and they don’t understand that the foundation of a lasting relationship is not to be based on stupidity/facades/infatuation but rather common values and an understanding and acceptance of the person (including all their quirks and flaws).

     
  2. Bman

    August 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Nice thoughts on this issue.what else can we expect in this our jet age, Fast foods,microwave friendships and relationships etc.it’s a world in frenzy. We all are seeking faster and easier ways of doing things;we fast-track our education,careers, even interpersonal relationships.It really is a sorry case.

     
  3. Stelzz

    August 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Good post. most people enter relationships/marriages with the mindset that if something doesn’t go the way they want, then they’ll bail out. It’s a sad situation. Marriage is really not respected anymore and the whole purpose of it is being defeated daily. I mean, how do you explain open marriages and the likes? smh

     
  4. Myne Whitman

    August 29, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Patience is indeed key, and knowing yourself and what you want. Still divorce is not such a bad word. 🙂

     
  5. leonmacedon

    August 30, 2011 at 12:41 am

    See how yu nau got me thinking of marriage…
    I think ‘love’ is overrated.. I rememba d muvee Titanic, where ‘Jack’ gave his life dat ‘Rose’ may live. I’m nt sure I can selflessly put a girl b4 me in such a situation or dat I’m capable of abhoring such an emotion.
    I get wat I’d like to cal ‘d hots’ (although I neva tel dem dat’s wat it is) 4 girls. Sometimes it’s so intense dat I delude myself into thinking it’s d real deal (true love). But it wanes off afta a couple months. I don’t think deres a girl who can make me desire to be totally unflinchingly monogamous (for more dan a yr).. How den I’m I supposed 2 last foreva with one??
    If I can get things to go my way, I wud choose to get married to my best friend (although, dats if she wud stil be unmarried & wud accept me)…We understand each oda & I do love her on some level (I care about her

     
  6. Nshina

    August 30, 2011 at 7:09 am

    @Leonmacedon..lwkmd!Can’t you be as honest with them girls as you have been here..smh!You’re leaving a long trail of broken hearts and it’s just not fair.

    We should always be honest about our feelings especially when it’s a boy – girl relationship.Let the other person know where you stand.At the end of the day if someone gets hurt,it’s his or her own fault.In our world of fast paced everything,honesty is still the best policy.

     
  7. leonmacedon

    August 30, 2011 at 8:30 am

    I get wat yu r saying, in my head I do..
    *sigh* telling a girl yu just like her is more difficult dan telling ha yu love her (especially wen she nau starts proclaimin hers 4 yu). A better person (dan I am) wil try to point wat he’s feeling & explain d difference to a girl, he’d also loose a ton in d process. Bt a sharp guy-wannabe like I am, steers clear 4rm gettin caught in dat web
    They exist sum uber-cool girls who seem to realize & accept it’s just mutual likeness (or sumthing like dat). Wat is 1 to do if lata dey start xpressin how deep yu’ve got her feeling.??
    Naked honesty is only possible wen she’s (& she knows/accepts she’s) a side chick

     
  8. flexy

    August 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Welldone girl…way to go!!

     
  9. flexy

    August 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Welldone girl… Way to go!

     
  10. Nshina

    August 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    @Leonmacedon..’A better person (dan I am) wil try to point wat he’s feeling & explain d difference to a girl, he’d also loose a ton in d process’..lose a ton of what if I may ask?(*Sarcastic look*..we need smileys here mehn). At what point do you start to declare feelings sef?Only a foolish chic would believe the ‘I love you’ scam from a guy early in a ‘relationship’ or rather a ‘getting-to-know-you-ship’.I met this guy three random times and out of the blue he calls and proclaims love..after I gave him a lecture on the appropriate way to address a lady and express himself without using the L word,he concluded that I was difficult person..but I can bet that years later he will think about me and appreciate the lecture.

    I’ll give you a summary of that lecture;
    1. You meet a girl for the first time.Don’t say I like you,say I’d like to get to know you better.

    2.You feel a rush of emotions whenever you talk to her or you are around her..don’t say I love you,say I have a huge crush on you.

    3.You wanna have sex with her,don’t say I want to make love with you,say I wanna have sex with you.

    Straight to the point statements,no how anyone can mistake what you’ve said to mean something else.

     
  11. leonmacedon

    August 30, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    @Nshina.. Dat ‘I love you’ scam usually works. Wen it’s not employed, things r likely to go down as such; although not necessarily in this order:
    …Yu meet a girl. Get her number. Go on a date after a couple of phone calls. Yu get 2 know her. She gets 2 agree dat yu guys r ‘going out’ afta a couple of dates. Have various magical moments together. Try to & successfully Set ‘P’. Yu still treat her right afta a couple of ‘P’ settings. She discovers dat yu r very ‘gud’ 4 her. Emotions begins 2 get involved. B4 yu guys know it, GBAM! d ‘L’ word naturally comes into play… I’m not saying tis happens in every relationship, or dat females r d ones who always get LOVE a role in a relationship.. (excuse me if this sounds Neanderthal) but it’s well known dat most females react to (approach) sex & relationships more seriously (or differently dan males), dey tend to always get emotions involved (I’m sorry if I sound chauvinistic or something)

     
  12. Nshina

    August 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Guy,I’m not arguing about who gets emotions involved first..I’m just saying honesty about where someone stands with you is important..I feel for the trail of broken hearted girls you’ve left behind you.At least if from now on you are honest while breaking hearts,the babes involved will know it was their fault since you told them what you wanted from day 1.. 😉

     
  13. Butterd

    August 31, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Really an interestin read. concernin @Leonmacedon and @Nshina’s comments I thinks ur both rite in ur ways. Hweva I agree more with @Nshina cos bein picky wit wot u say distinguishes a man frm a teenager. N hey some gals find a man who knws wot he wants sexy. NB: dnt expect to av a long sexual relationship wit any chiq n expect her not 2 swap intrests. Do de smart thin, keep it short n move on b4 emotions begin to stroll in. My 2 cents.
    Sowi 4 de typos.

     
  14. Chronicles of the naÏve

    August 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Good write up. i guess when the L♥√ع reduces after some months we can prescribe tablets of endorphin Ąπϑ oxytocin to pump the butterflies back into the system 😉

     
  15. Nshina

    September 1, 2011 at 7:07 am

    @Butterd..that’s exactly what I was trying to communicate to @Leonmacedon…well said!!

     
  16. Kemmiiii

    September 2, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Oh my!!
    This is very insightful! love the little bit of physiology in the middle!
    Good work.

     
  17. Dare

    September 7, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Articles like this are an example of quick, helpful answers

     

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