Run baby run…

23 Aug

   When I was in secondary school we had guidance counselors who took their jobs pretty seriously. They went through great lengths to warn the budding flowers under their care about the ills of premature plucking, regaling us with tales of young girls who let a boy under their skirts and ended up as pepper sellers because they had gotten pregnant and had to drop out of school. Back in the 90’s, kids weren’t warned about HIV, even parents hadn’t fully accepted the killer disease and STI’s were still hush hush, reserved for the paid and unpaid asewos so girls like you and me were shaken up real good about getting pregnant.

Some mothers went quite overboard, damaging their daughter’s psyche with strict warnings about the fabled virility of a man’s seed. All he had to do was touch you, and it didn’t matter where and you’d be giving him a child in 9 months. My cousin S had sobbed for days when a man had grabbed her hand as she got off a bus. She didn’t have the heart to tell her mum that she would be a grandmother soon, not because the news would break her mother’s heart but because the news would break her own back. She could imagine the whipping she’d get and if Aunt M was in town she’d add pepper to the matter literally! Rubbing pepper on her body so that the koboko would enter well! Cousin S lived in dread for ages but her mum would tell you over and over that the end justified the means. S said No to sex till she was old enough 😉

Mothers weren’t entirely off the hook. Some found it positively discomfiting to sit their wide-eyed daughters down and have to tell them about the birds and the bees. They put it off for so long, hoping nature would slow the growth process and their little angels would stay little but they usually were given a shocker when they had to console a crying little girl who thought she had suffered a mortal wound and was bleeding to death or discovered an over-sleeping, over-weight once-upon-a-time innocent young girl who had been lured by uncle for just a couple of sweets. Yes, some mothers have chosen to live like the ostrich burying their heads in the sand and other would-be mothers have taken to praying for just sons, calculating that this is way easier, after all, no one barely remembers boys need the same sex education as the girls till they catch a virus or a baby. It must have been assumed that porn, peer pressure and the public media are teachers enough for growing men. 😮

I vaguely remember an old Channel O advert that always cracked me up. The boy declared he wanted it ‘Skin on skin’, I don’t remember the rest of the sexual awareness advert but I do remember the Gold circle condom adverts on the radio telling anyone who cared to listen that skin on skin was a bad idea. There’s a story that has been circulating on social networks and blackberry broadcasts about a chic called Chidinma who is currently standing at the pearly gates because her ‘clients’ preferred skin on skin, used her blood for rituals and in exchange gave her a dream life, sadly she was woken from that dream by the cold clutches of death. Now nobody is saying this story is true or false but every Nigerian knows these are our modern folk tales. Wale Adenuga’s Superstory fetches him mad money because of stories like this but before we shake our heads and laugh it off, remember that the truth is stranger than fiction. AIDS is real, because you are faithful doesn’t mean she/he is. Pregnancy is real too. Ask wizkid, he definitely didn’t dull in Ghana. Sources say he may be following in Tuface’s footsteps before long. I love that kid but someone should have told him that being a father is a whole different ball game. I wonder what happened to abstinence? Like the ‘shimi’ it has almost become extinct. I was reading online about the babalawos in Lagos needing 50 virgins to appease Yemoja and abort an impending flood and they seemed to think it was a nearly impossible feat without dropping the age range to include pre-pubertal girls. *shocking*. Abstinence is the only 100% protection against STIs, HIV and unwanted pregnancies SHIKENA!!!

Governor Fashola recently came up with some revolutionary laws in Lagos.The two most notable ones are; A man who impregnates a woman must care for her or face prosecution and Landlords are only allowed to collect a year’s rent at a time. Seems to me like this will reduce the number of ‘hit and runs’ we have in Lagos. 😉 Hearing this conversation had become so cliche…

Babe: I missed my period

Dude: Ehn?

Babe: I think I am pregnant

Dude: WTF? you had better go and find it wherever you misplaced it, you think I don’t know you have been sleeping with X, Y and Z? Don’t put the blame on me… *storms out angrily and is never seen again*

Curtain falls…

Aren’t we tired of seeing babies without daddies? I know Fashola is! Kudos sir 😉 And we mustn’t forget the average Lagos girl who thinks getting pregnant is the only way to get the man of her dreams to say ‘I do!’. Once upon a time, when men were men, if a girl got pregnant for you, you manned up, gave the woman your name and bore the responsibility but with child support and all the latest fads, being a baby mama has become a common and very lucrative business enterprise and the men go scot-free. 😮

So baby girl, run. No matter how old you are, you are your father’s little girl and he deserves to walk you down the aisle with pride not inwardly cussing the young tout who stole the flower in his garden without permission and if that doesn’t move you, remember CHIDINMA….(said eerily).

*check out Chutzpah Yellow pages for our featured one-stop shop:

And here’s a little something to make you smile on a Tuesday morning…

Chutzpah’s pick of 10 funniest condom slogans 🙂

1) Balloon your baboon before you tune her poon

2) Wrap that stiffer, then let him sniff her

3) If you’re nude, tube your dude

4) Cover your stump before you hump

5)  Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

6)  If you slip between her thighs, condomize

7)  Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake

8 )  When in doubt, shroud your spout

9)  Bodies shouldn’t go slapping unless peter’s got his wrapping

10)  Don’t be silly, protect your willy

And don’t forget our very own Naija slogan…. If you no fit hold body, use condom ooooh! 

AIDS is real, Have a great day peeps, xoxo 😉


Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Uncategorized


Tags: , , ,

18 responses to “Run baby run…

  1. ladetawak

    August 23, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I’m first yeah. *looks around* true stuff sha. but me i don’t know why all these 0men want to knack without taking responsibility. i tire.

  2. W

    August 23, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Great ideas passed on here. It seems that awareness on these issues have lulled for the past year or so; we need more social crusaders. Make we stop to dey nack ourselves akpako!

  3. leonmacedon

    August 23, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I wrote something similar on my blog and someone commented this… “yu wizkidding too?”. I guess it applies here. Great post!!

  4. Jay (@MegaJayVox)

    August 23, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Poor Wiz. I hope it awakens him to to the perils of stardom. And it ends dia. Btw there r 12 week partenity tests… #newdevelopment! Can I get a Yaay Men?!

  5. Butterd

    August 23, 2011 at 11:22 am

    I luv #3 slogan. Lmao!

    However I think its got 2 angles though
    #1- Ms A’s bumped intentionally by fooling Mr B she’s on protection cos she needs a ring or a seed thanks 2 Beyonce n co.

    #2- Ms A’s bumped cos she should have seen 2 steps ahead n known rascal Mr B’s not ready 4 a ‘tie’.

    However Every Ms A sud know well enough 2 watch her own back.

    A lady has a right 2 like a guy nearly enough 2 sleep with him. Same way a guy has a right 2 like a lady nearly enough 2 marry her.

    Ok ladies get @ me now. 😉

  6. omotoke

    August 23, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Nice but for the fashola’s story.. I doubt if the rules will hold!

  7. Rera

    August 23, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Love it! Well said, females usually go for the pills route as well regardless of the side effects…I’m leaning towards abstinance, seeems to be the safest way.

  8. Lue

    August 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    i really wish somebody told wizkid this before d *babymama* thingny………………………
    nice post…………………..nice condom advert
    btw, ure doing a great job here

  9. DL

    August 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Wrap your whacker b4 u attack!
    Man battle stations…

  10. Laydeelara

    August 23, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Hmmm interestin

  11. pabaraebiere edith

    August 23, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    babe u rock

  12. Genevieve

    August 24, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Good job. Kudos.

  13. Stelzz

    August 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    good one!

  14. softasilk

    August 25, 2011 at 1:53 am

    My mom didnt give me any lectures about puberty, she felt my older sisters should do that job. When i was in JS 2 I found a copy of Everywoman in my school bag:-D. It would be nice if what Fashola is planning for Lagos works. But then again, you know how we are.

  15. kiki

    August 25, 2011 at 9:07 am

    lol@ “once upon a time when men were men”. As for the house issue, landlord have decided to double their prices oh! So somehow you end up even more cheated.

  16. Myne Whitman

    August 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    I love those two fasholas laws jare!

  17. Funmie Johnson-Ojo

    August 25, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Need to speak with you. send me a mail as soon as possible.

  18. Beebiees makeup

    September 7, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    good write up


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