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New thingz

01 Aug

I was having lunch with my friend J at Southern Fries, when a chick walked in, there was another chick with her but no one even noticed. All eyes were on her and her ‘hey-mama’ skirt which had all the men and their little men at attention and the women gaping. The lower curve of her butt cheeks was peeking at the world and all that separated it from the chilly afternoon air was a pair of fish net tights. We really had to commend the efforts of the skirt for managing to cover her upper cheeks. She wore Karen-couture (The latest in boob-baskets guaranteed to display your boobs to the far-sighted, made popular by Karen Igho, BBA winner) and had a brazen look on her face that made the icecream melt a bit faster. Someone started coughing and we turned to see an older man choking as his wife glared angrily at him not even bothering to help out. Our vixen got her food and sat down facing her audience, legs apart, red thong teasing the crowd as she slurped on a milkshake and I could see a lot of the women looking faint, their sensibilities thoroughly insulted, wishing they could have her thrown out but she was a paying customer and it didn’t help that there was a tomboy sitting beside her with a proud and possessive look on her face enjoying the scene her lover had created. Soon the novelty wore off and heads hastily dropped as cold chips were remembered. I was intrigued but J assured me that it was becoming a fairly common scene in Abuja though it struck me as odd because I always regarded Southern Fries as a family-type eatery and it was a Sunday afternoon…that paying customer robbed many a man of their post-church anointing! 😉

I flew into Lagos last week and I was half expecting to see water everywhere but Lagos was dry and it seemed people had moved past the floods and the loss of lives and property. The last time I was in town, school children would sing ‘rain rain go away’ when it began to pour and old folks would hum the lines to the old hymn ‘Showers of blessing’. Now once the sky turned a dark grey, people began to speak in tongues and beg God to preserve their property and lives and my gym instructor says more people are taking swimming lessons. Seems that instead of umbrellas, an insurance cover is the best sort of protection from the rain in Lagos. Maybe there was a reason planking was such a great fad, seems like that’s the sorta skill we need to be learning to stay afloat! The floods brought a sense of foreboding that returned with each drizzle and only the sun coming out again could clear the air. I got a Blackberry broadcast days ago warning about a tsunami forecasted to be hitting Accra, Lagos and PortHarcourt soon and panicked. If we couldn’t handle floods, we’d be like the Lost City of Atlantis if a tsunami struck. The broadcast claimed it was reported on Al Jazeera but the news was as false as the lions escaping from the U.I zoo. Thank heavens! Our people say the cow way no get tail, na God dey pursue the flies. May the souls of those who died in the floods rest in peace!

I had a fabulous weekend with my girl R, catching up on eachother’s lives, trading spicy man-gist while sitting with an orgasmic cheesecake at Ice cream factory and it was heaven as always and while I was at it, I spotted a Lagos celeb and began mentally comparing his photos to his real life persona, meanwhile my friend was sizing up his hands. I didn’t realize this was going on till she commented that he was lacking in the trouser department and was obviously a nervous and narcissistic person. I choked on my hokey pokey icecream and stared at her in horror. After verifying that she hadn’t colored with him, I asked her how she knew such scandalous info about this near stranger and she said she had looked at his hands. According to R, a man’s hands said it all. If his thumbs were small, so was his package, if his nails were very short, he was a nervous person (guess biting his nails had to do with that) and if his hands were small, he was narcissistic. I laughed so hard cos I did think privately that he was a Nigerian Johnny Bravo. 🙂 While still giggling about that, my friend C changed his BB status to ‘You can tell a girl’s hustle by looking at her legs’. I immediately pinged him to ask what exactly my legs said to him…the answer has been censored… 😉 Seems our body parts say more about us than we’d want to. A woman’s nails speak volumes of her cleanliness and a man’s feet whisper more tales about his package. Wonder who funded all this research? 🙂 Anyway ladies, the next time you meet a hot, new guy, be sure to ask him to show you his hands but remember that it’s not the size of the fish that matters but how well he can swim in the ocean. 😉

How I’d missed Lasgidi, so many things had changed since the last time I was around. Lagosians are no longer afraid of LASTMA. Surprise, surprise! Reminds me of a father who kept flogging his son till one day the son learnt to ‘chest’ it and stretched his hand out defiantly to collect his koboko… and they’d even learnt to do that and still keep their money in their wallets. And has anyone noticed the circus on Lagos roads these days? First we had mopo and yellow fever, then in came Lastma and now we have VIO and some other uniformed peeps. Everyone demanding respect, particulars and egunje. Feels like an owambe with different officers in their various aso-ebi demanding attention and exacerbating the Lagos traffic! Had to part with a thousand naira when my cab man was apprehended for not having a particular license and the guy was in tears as he hadn’t a kobo on him…Lagos, only the strong survive.

On a closing note, we slept in July and woke up in August! Happy new month peeps, let’s take out the clutter of dreams unfulfilled, broken promises, relationships going nowhere, procastination and ideas put on hold and embrace a new month and a fresh new start. Have a great day peeps…xoxoxo 😉

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20 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

20 responses to “New thingz

  1. Femi

    August 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    An entertaining read. More oil to ur chutzpah.

     
  2. Enidodo

    August 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Hmm…. M sure u can fig out d 2 paragraphs I read with no interruptions.
    1- I wonder how girls feel whn der dressn etc makes them d centre of attraction, really do u thnk d guys “like you” is that really what ladies (xcuse me, girls) thnk, but f thr expectations r right with our thots, y do they then go n get all defensv, aftr (really don’t get that part

    2 (n more interestn) I lookd @ my hands (almost @ feet too but @ work (shh) n have shoes on) n wondered what it implies, still lookn…lol. I don’t blv physical characteristics such as size can b true jare.. Mayb on character/psych traits. What’s ur frnds profession again?…

     
  3. ireloju

    August 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    My thumb and my package………….hmnn

     
  4. babaneyo

    August 1, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    The canoe business is an up and coming market in Lagos. Too many authorities (or at least government officers) that all do the same job. It’s very annoying. Very interesting read. Biggest fan

     
  5. Bman

    August 1, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Loving ur blog,Anita.Keep it up!

     
  6. Enidodo

    August 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Hmm…. M sure u can fig out d 2 paragraphs I read with no interruptions.
    1- I wonder how girls feel whn der dressn etc makes them d centre of attraction, really do u thnk d guys “like you” is that really what ladies (xcuse me, girls) thnk, but f thr expectations r right with our thots, y do they then go n get all defensv, aftr (really don’t get that part

    2 (n more interestn) I lookd @ my hands (almost @ feet too but @ work (shh) n have shoes on) n wondered what it implies, still lookn…lol. I don’t blv physical characteristics such as size can b true jare.. Mayb on character/psych traits. What’s ur frnds profession again

     
  7. Ginger

    August 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    A relation has also been found between size and the lengths of the forefinger and ring finger. like you asked..who funds this research and how does it affect the price of tea in China?

     
  8. t

    August 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    discovered u today and ur a new “bad habit” already…love love love it!!!!….yay!…my august can’t be boring oh!

     
  9. Charles C

    August 1, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    As always vintage Anita
    Keep them coming pls
    Charles C.

     
  10. leonmacedon

    August 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    first visit to tis blog.. Love it!!

     
  11. Gbenga

    August 1, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Speak of planking, it’s an involuntary act in Lagos where you get to “plonk” in the flood without foreknowledge, a really funny piece

     
  12. Okeoghene

    August 2, 2011 at 2:22 am

    …so true @Feels like an owambe with different officers in their various aso-ebi demanding attention and exacerbating the Lagos traffic! Interesting piece. I enjoyed reading will definately be coming back

     
  13. doll

    August 2, 2011 at 7:14 am

    lmao @ post church anointing

    Happy new month

     
  14. nene

    August 2, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Lmaoo @ karen-couture…

     
  15. nshina

    August 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

    @nene..feel you on that one.That’s the funniest part.Thumbs up as usual Neetah!

     
  16. nwunye

    August 4, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Abuja sure has changed, huh.

     
  17. Kimono

    August 5, 2011 at 6:17 am

    did u take a pic of that naked lady?…….. just asking o!

     
  18. morgzy

    August 5, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    U’ve got an enviable flow..nice one

     
  19. luyi

    August 7, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Thumb? No way!

     
  20. Chronicles of the naÏve

    August 22, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Hmm.. Nice. Enjoyed every bit of it. ℓ☺ℓ at Karen couture, i suggest the chick should be employed as a designer Ąπϑ create a master collection

     

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