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Making your man give up his bone!

03 Jul

  Women seem to think that they can train their men like lab rats or a cute puppy that’s taught to sit and roll over in exchange for certain treats. We always have the best intentions. Wanting only the best for our significant others. After all if we are gonna be divas and the men are gonna be our better-halves then they have to be a whole lot better than average. And like real estate, getting a man who fits your exact criteria may be either impossible or just more than your resources can attract so we’ve all resorted at some point to purchasing the run-off-the-mill house and hoping with love, care and some choice prodding, we can revamp the house and bring it to its former glory. Sounds like a plan right?

Well what do the men have to say about this? Research shows that after nagging, behavioural modification (manipulation) is man’s second biggest phobia in relationships. The fastest way to send a man packing is to give him a healthy dose of phobia 2 wrapped in phobia 1’s unattractive package. Why do men resist change? A woman will re-invent her entire being if it would please her man. I know women who would give a chameleon a run for its money because their appearance and outlook undergo constant change as dictated by the men they date. I have been an Arsenal fan, a Man-U fan and a Chelsea fan and that says nothing of my taste in sports/football clubs but more of my taste in men and my eagerness to please. And in comparison, I must say I have had it good. Some women have gone beyond the edge of reason tryna to be ‘Stepford wives’ and while only a small percentage of women will resist changing to please the man they love, most men in contrast, expect you to love them for who they are and leave them exactly how you found them. Take my friend T for example. He waved a red flag immediately I started talking about taking him with me to church for weekday services and accused me of behavioural modification. T’s a well-grounded fella but the thought of having a woman control his affairs made him squirm. It took gentle female persuasion to make him relax. What is it about tryna make a man better that has him running out the door faster than you can say ‘Jack Robinson’? Is it just his ego or the fact that manipulation and control are deep-seated in the heart of behavioural modifications and are antonyms to the love they represent?

I’ve always been a woman on a mission and many times I’d get bored if I didn’t have an ailment to nurse in the relationship. Amongst my more memorable ones were saving an ex from potential lung cancer, saving another from potential hell fire and saving a phlegmatic ex from potential mediocrity. One thing these men had in common was their resistance to change. It was akin to a man refusing to be saved from a burning building. How could I be a superhero if my heart throb didn’t wanna be super-saved? Like all men, they wanted love, they wanted understanding but more importantly they wanted acceptance. Now one would rightly quote that men are like leopards who don’t change their spots and that you shouldn’t smell what you cannot eat but c’mon you must realize that at the start of a relationship every one puts their best foot forward and vices are often downplayed or hidden! Hence we are faced with a dilemma of sorts. How do you keep your man from running while you pimp him up? I had a friend O, who had a really great relationship till she decided her man had JayZ’s million-dollar potential but wasn’t ambitious enough and it was up to her to unearth this potential and push him towards high-reaching goals. The pushing finally scared him off. He felt she was hard to please and he’d never be good enough for her, yet all she was tryna do was be the strong woman behind her successful man. Tough luck huh?

So what’s the secret to making a man give up his bone? Is it possible? Is it easy? As easy as making a dog give up his bone one would say. But I know a girl and I’m sure y’all know a girl like her too. A super human who somehow transformed her man into a tailor-made, excellent finish, well-bred specimen and you’d be amazed what she had to work with in the beginning. So how did she do it?
What did the women who dated him before her do wrong? Could’ve been something or could’ve been absolutely nothing! Sometimes all your hard work may be for some clueless babe coming after you to enjoy. Annoying innit? After my last breakup, I began questioning the save-your-man theory. If he was gonna leave in the long run, I might as well give the next babe some work to do but a wise aunt pointed out the fact that #dearfuturehusband whoever he was, would only be my dream man because of the experiences and behavioural modification he’d gotten from previous relationships. Agreed?! Yes the world is round and what goes around, comes around! #Q.E.D 😉 So how do we get our significant others to drop that one thing that makes them frail human beings? Just so that he/she can ascend to the realm of perfection…

The matter is quite a sensitive one and it could blow up in your face if not handled properly landing you in a hot ‘soup-opera’ starring as the bad guy with your man on the war path if he even concedes to stick around…
So here are some guidelines to follow:
– Constant appreciation makes criticism easier to handle.
– Remember you are both on the same team.
– Correcting each other should not be with a holier-than-thou attitude.
– If you say the same thing three times you are nagging.
– Prayer is your secret weapon!
– A perfect man/woman will make your imperfections stark and inexcusable, do you really want that? (We will not even delve into the matter that perfection in itself is a myth)
– Remember that there’s a woman out there who will gladly accept him warts and all.
– Time and Maturity are factors! (Don’t bother your head about issues that your man will inevitably outgrow as time and maturity set-in).
– It’s a tough world out there, no one wants to come back home and be judged.
– Communication is key. Unlike a goat, a man will change if he sees reason to. Make him see what he stands to gain and that your motives are unselfish.
– Be patient with him and soft-spoken. Gentleness calms even the most stubborn man.
– Tell him how happy the change would make you rather than telling him how sad/angry/disappointed the habit makes you.
– Boost his ego. Make him feel like a king and he’ll cross seven seas to do right by you.
– Do not command/threaten/bully him into changing.
– Understand where he is coming from and why he is the way he is and then take it a step at a time.
– Examine yourself. Sometimes putting all your energy into changing someone may be a psychological way of running from your own faults/weaknesses. #doctor-heal-thyself!

The only constant thing in life is change and people regardless of gender are all about self-improvement but if your motives are less than honorable and your man feels he is failing to measure up to an invisible standard you have set, he will get discouraged or defiant and find a person who makes loving less like engineering maths. Men are simple creatures. My male buddy, N always says women have 85% of the power in relationships but immediately they make the man realize that fact (mostly by being controlling or rubbing it in his face), the man regains all the power!

So Ladies, a behavioural modification is possible and even quite successful with the right approach and amount of sensitivity but when it becomes a behavioural manipulation, it can only lead to disaster. Remember to give your man a treat when he’s doing good and encourage him! #teamcheeryourman 😉

Guys, this post also applies to you! There are ways to make your woman ditch the wrapper and hair net forever 😉 or forsake that annoying habit…without manipulation!
…learn to speak her love language and a change in behaviour will be easy as pie! 😉

Shout out to my friend T, who inspired this post!
Have a lovely night peeps and if you haven’t voted, please go to http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/vote.php to vote for ‘Memoirs of a woman with Chutzpah’ in the 5 categories we were nominated! Thank you.
xoxoxoxo 😉

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10 Comments

Posted by on July 3, 2011 in Hall of Fame, Manology, Relationships

 

Tags: , ,

10 responses to “Making your man give up his bone!

  1. abi mohammed

    July 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Nice read babes. Very well written and I ve voted for u already as u deserve it! To debate this post a little, what do u say to to the school of thought that says men don’t change. That finding the one whose flaws u can tolerate is better than finding the one you hope to change. That if u truly love someone, you love them, warts and all. That if u can’t stand the heat don’t stay in the kitchen. I personally hate someone trying to change me or constantly criticizing me, male or female. Ppl will change when they want, if its so hard to be with them until then, it might just be time to find someone else. Best of luck with the awards dearie!

     
  2. Myne Whitman

    July 4, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Funny enough, I saw a movie yesterday with my hubby about how we should accept people for who they are. I like how you put the situation between men and women. So true!

     
  3. dbrizio

    July 4, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Time and Maturity are factors! (Don’t bother your head about issues that your man will inevitably outgrow as time and maturity set-in).

    That, to me was the sentence that summarized the post. Problem however is that while some women don’t know how to recognize those issues, some men never mature.

    Women shld really learn how to stop nagging, that’s just the scariest thing ever.

     
  4. ElovesDodo

    July 7, 2011 at 8:23 am

    An interesting read indeed. Makes me wonder when the sequel will be out “Making the lady give up her purse”

    As much as I agree with men NOT wanting to give up their bone, I blv it’s harder for women 2 give up her purse.

    In it are…

    – Her makeup kit: control n manipulation
    – Cell phone: her friends know what color of boxers you are wearing 2mrw
    – Sanitary towel: all sorts of women related wahala she CLAIMS, “what..its cos I’m a woman I act like this”

    So let’s face it…we don’t love to change (4 u) cos u like to fix us (4 u).Truth is…its a womans world. They only make us thnk its ours (again, manipulation). But feel free to keep your purse, and we our bone 🙂

     
  5. dapxin

    July 14, 2011 at 2:57 am

    “. Gentleness calms even the most stubborn man.”

    Speak for yourself o; ehn; are you saying you have surely absolutely seen the most stubborn man with your korok0r0 eyes ni ? /rollseyes.

    How did you know ? 🙂

     
  6. Desmond Awere

    July 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Interesting, well said 🙂

     
  7. nshina

    July 23, 2011 at 12:01 am

    Nice one as usual.. (y)
    Just one question though..about the hair net,I know so many guys that hate it..I must confess,I snatch it off my head as soon as a male caller is at my door..hee hee..ok,back to the question..what’s the alternative to the hair net?I can’t sleep without it and the guys hate it..

     
  8. Neetah

    July 23, 2011 at 9:12 am

    I totally feel you on that nshina, had to do a l’il research online to come up with this cos usually I sleep with a hairnet when I’m all alone and sleep with my hair in a ponytail after it’s been properly brushed when I have company that needs to be impressed! 😉
    When we toss and turn, dragging or rubbing our heads and hair across the fabric of our pillows we can snag the cuticle layer of the hair against the fibers on the pillow. This rubbing results in roughing up the surface of the hair shaft and leads to the tangles and knots that make our hair a terrible mess. It’s important that in the morning, we use care in removing these tangles to avoid breakage. A detangling spray is a good idea, as is removing any tangles and snags before we take a shower.

    If you have long hair, you should consider braiding your hair before bed. By restricting the range of movement your hair can achieve at night, you minimize the amount of damage that could occur.
    You can also minimize the problem by using a silk or satin pillowcase to sleep on and it offers similar protection without what some people consider to be a less-than-flattering night-time appearance.
    And if you are sleeping alone, a silk or satin nightcap aka hair net is ideal. Nightcaps may seem old- fashioned, but served a purpose for our grandmothers. 😉

    Silk and satin fabrics are smooth and cause much less friction against the hair. Whichever you choose, adding one or the other to your hair care arsenal can help to minimize (if not prevent) the damaging effects of bed head.
    Also a nightime hair scarf in satin or silk material can hold hair in place without pulling away moisture. Also, thanks to these materials’ softness, hair will glide easily against them and not get caught in their fibers.
    How you choose to wrap your scarf is also important to insuring your hair gets the most benefit from it. One method is to wrap the scarf around your forehead, bring it underneath your hair at the base of the neck and tie up ends. With this method though, you need to insure you don’t get any hair caught in the knot, which can be difficult as you can’t see the back of your neck. Another method is to gather hair into the scarf at the nape of your neck and tie ends together atop your head, so that you can easily see hair and insure you don’t tie it into your knot.
    Hope this was helpful…Guys all this stress is for you oh! 🙂

     
  9. nshina

    July 23, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Hmmm..nice work on the research.I usually sleep without a hair net when I’m carrying my natural hair but with extensions that have been flat-tonged into perfection,what’s a girl to do?Besides,I have tried sleeping with a scarf but by morning it’s at the other end of the room and my hair is as messed up as can be..will he remember,while he waits for me to get ready to go out with him,that it’s because I tried to ‘impress’ him, that’s why I’m taking 45 mins just to restore my hair to its former glory?

    It’s well..smh

     
  10. nshina

    July 23, 2011 at 10:55 am

    I am willing to collect his money for the silk bedsheets and pillow cases sha 😉

     

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