So a lot has happened since the last time I was here. Elections were won, disgruntled politicians ran to court, violence broke out and lives were lost.
My blog started when I was a corper serving in Akure and my deepest heartfelt sympathy goes out to the families that lost their sons and daughters to the post-election massacres in the north. NYSC and the Federal government failed to protect them from the tragedy they lured them into. May their souls rest in perfect peace and may they always be remembered and honored.
Prince Williams, that cute first born of the late princess Diana finally picked himself a wife. The bad news is that she wasn’t Nigerian. The good news is that Nigerians celebrated like she was our very own daughter. I was amazed by how excited Nigerians were about the Royal wedding. You can’t but love Nigerians. I had to double check the wedding I.V to be sure the wedding wasn’t between Prince William Okoronkwo 1 of Utuh LGA and Kate Uduak Middleton. I heard it was a Nigerian that organized the guest list. Why Obama no get wedding invitation? He wan make im beef us? Don’t fret everyone, Prince Harry still dey very single.
All I can say about that middle-class Middleton is that levels don change now! Isn’t it wonderful to marry well. Trust me crying on a bed in Buckingham palace thoroughly beats crying on a tattered mattress in a face me I face you, one bedroom apartment. I wonder what faults she had to close her eyes to, to make sure she saw it through to the altar. Could Prince Williams be one of those men who didn’t flush the toilet? Or one of those dudes who came back home late and drunk? Could he have been a girlfriend beater? Or maybe just one of those men who liked to do their secretaries especially if their names were Monica. Could he have had women outside and she let him eat his egusi as long as she (the ogbona) was still his favorite soup? Could he have been a passive, phlegmatic, indecisive man who she had to constantly ginger? Was he lazy or short-tempered or dirty? Were his jokes too lame and his snores too loud? Could he satisfy her? 99 questions but all that matters is she’s royalty and you ain’t, she got her cinderella wedding and faults or no, half the women I know would change places with her at the drop of a hat!
As would be expected, everyone was suddenly afiliated with royalty. Nigerians wore branded t-shirts and caps with pictures of the royal couple and all TV stations were tuned in and since you all know Warri no dey carry last, yours truly had her own royal weddings to attend the day after the much-talked about wedding.
My cousins thought it wise to fix their wedding day the day after so the queen and the other dignitaries could catch the late flight afterall they had all bought aso-ebi.
In case you are wondering, we are Royalty, not the fake type that wear authentic crowns and live in Buckingham palace, no o, we are the real deal but we have to stay undercover because of our political enemies.
Our grandfather God bless his soul was the King of Ellu, which makes me princess Kome Umebese. Princess K for short. If you see me drive by make you holla at your princess oh! Isoko Wadoooo! Eh!
So naija men seize this unique opportunity to marry an authentic princess, offer valid while stock lasts!
Anyway back to the royal weddings…
You can imagine it was a big deal. There are three heirs to the Ellu throne and 2 chose to marry their sweethearts C and K who thankfully are not sisters, on the same day in the great city of Benin and nothing brings the family together like a great big combined wedding.
We chose Benin city cos it is the only city in Nigeria with credible rainmakers. They even have business cards and for a small fee will stop any wedding-day showers and also bring down rain on your enemy’s owambe.
As can be imagined, family trooped in from around the globe by plane, road, boat, okada even leggedis benz. Asoebi and gifts in hand.
I left las-gidi early in the morning, my eyes still groggy with sleep. I had done my hair till 3am cos being royalty, I have VIP hairdressers that sleep over, shout out to E, the hair caught me plenty sharks in Benin.
Decided to travel with Edegbe lines again and not because the bini people make road trips memorable.
The journey was bumpy and dusty mostly due to the horrible stretch of road from Ore to Benin and I was stuck in traffic for hours. The air-conditioning was a myth even though the bus had ‘A/C bus’ printed in bold letters on the doors. My contact lenses turned to fish scales threatening to scratch my eyes out and once I noticed some eye-shit as one of my lagos paddies calls it, I whipped ’em out and brought out my trusty eye-drops. Eyes are important oh! For a chick who has worn glasses for years and years, I know that half bread is still better than chin-chin.
The four-hour journey took double the time and would have been longer if police hadn’t been stuck in the traffic jam too. Our driver had taken the wrong lane to avoid the hold-up on ours only to meet more obstruction in front. When they walked up to him and asked him to go back, guns in hand, the guy soberly complied already regretting his foolhardy decision but the sharp bini men on the bus asked him to just reverse a little and clear out of the way and lo and behold the policemen’s motives became clear as their van breezed past us on the wrong lane! Well they did clear the way for us so please applaud. The trip to Benin was traumatic which made me analyze the penny wise, pound foolish theory but the comfort of the hotel room washed the fatigue away leaving me itching for some excitement.
The bachelors’ eve was cool, the peppersoup and suya on point. The DJ was more concerned with sucking the brains out of the catfish head and washing it down with a big bottle of stout than delivering fat jamz so nobody danced but we all had fun.
Shout out to my anambra in-law who kept asking for chicken suya and baileys. Abeg if you no get money, make you no carry this woman out oh! She doesn’t do shots, what is worth drinking is worth drinking well…shout out to Macy Gray!
And then there was babyboi. If you find it hard to understand why ten women would marry a man who wasn’t a billionaire then you haven’t met babyboi! It took him only 3 days to steal the hearts of the women of our clan. His unassuming charm and friendliness not to mention his cute smile and ever ready alcohol-opening devices endeared him to all who met him. Who knew one man could carry so many alcohol opening devices in his pocket? From cork screws to openers, this guy came prepared.
He claims he wasn’t a bartender in his former life but I suspect he had problems using his teeth to open beer back in the day, afterall who no wan chop kpomo in old age? Shout out to Senator Mav Benson, our very own corrupt politician who kept us thoroughly entertained and had babyboi blushing to his toes. It was a good night.
The porn industry has evolved over the years with hard-core, soft porn, blue films, SNL films, asian and chinese porn and old people’s porn but if you haven’t heard porn in Isoko then you are still a virgin! Shout out to T for killing us with laughter. She is one of the best make up artists I know but she obviously missed her calling as her rendition of what goes on, on a typical wedding night in Isoko kingdom had us tearing our pants in laughter. I really must learn my language cos all I speak now is english and lasgidish! Smh
So the couples said ‘I do’ and we kissed Benin city and Babyboi goodbye.
Back in Abuja, I had to defend my profession to the woman at the Federal Civil Service commission because she said I didn’t look like a doctor. I’d like to appeal to doctors to stop looking like doctors! The average doctor has poor dress sense and looks like na we dey suffer pass. Yes we are under-appreciated and under-paid but taste really has nothing to do with your pocket and a brown belt with black shoes really doesn’t go. #enuffsaid.
There was petrol scarcity and it became survival of the fittest. Some petrol stations had gate fees as executive touts seized the opportunity to make enough money to fuel their i-pass-my-neighbor generators and people woke up before dawn to keep their spaces on the queue. Black market prices went sky high and Audu made enough money to buy a keke marwa!
GEJ was on vacation celebrating his victory but as soon as he returned to aso villa, order returned to abuja!
I heard Osama is dead. I didn’t see the body but Obama doesn’t look like he spreads rumors so I’ll take his word for it. I wonder why Al-Qaeda have sworn revenge? The poor dude was holed up in a self-made prison for ten years hiding from the US government. He lost the right to walk the streets without a disguise even in Pakistan, the day he declared himself a terrorist and the world’s most wanted man but now that he is dead, his people should rejoice because he finally gets a vacation with more women than he could handle, all 70 being freaky virgins designed just for him and he gets to lounge all day and doesn’t need to worry bout a jealous wife or HIV or an unwanted pregnancy or premature ejaculation. He doesn’t need viagra or alomo cos he left his mangled, worn-out body behind. For being so infamous, he probably got all the beautiful ones and trust me, getting 70 women who are all hot and all virgins and all dead is no small feat! Thumbs up terrorist heaven. 😉 The life of a suicide bomber and terrorist begins after death!
I rejoice with the Americans who finally got some closure ten years after the tragedy and with Obama whose popularity ratings are back on track!
And to all those hating on Karen in big brother amplified, I don’t know any of the housemates’ names but I know about Karen which means that whatever she’s doing, she’s doing it right. Sometimes you’ve gotta be all wrong to make a mark. 🙂
Tomorrow is a monday unlike all other mondays…Make it count.
Sorry I have been off radar for a while! We’ll begin our love affair from where we left off…
Have a lovely night peeps, xoxoxo 😉