Just when I thought I’d seen it all with Akure&its drama another story comes along! Sometimes I ask myself ‘why me?’ By the time you are done reading you’ll be wondering too.
So there I was counting down to the end of an eventful year and doing most of the counting on my bed with no light and no water cos the well’s gone dry and getting water is now a long thing and I’d been staying put at home trying to read my books like a good doctor should. Oh well it obviously wasn’t working out cos boredom had become an evil spirit and my laziness-induced fasts were not succeeding in casting it out.
So one night I agreed to hangout with my friends K and T. K had been away from Akure for a while and T recently moved to Akure so being the local champion and residing omonile, I made it a point of duty to show them the groovy spots in Akure!
Our first stop was to be our last!
We thought we’d start the hiage with asun and drinks at Royal Park Lane and there I was engaging my friends in animated conversations while forcing down the less than stellar asun the guy had served us! My friends can testify that the asun made on the side of the road near my house is sweeter than that one by far! Anyway mama put dey sweet pass so I’m not surprised.
So there I was munching away, seated at a table facing the pool and my chair was right by the wall which had a little bit of shrubbery and right in the middle of a hearty laugh, I feel it! Something is touching my ass! Not just touching it, rubbing against it and just as I turn to look up at the person who’d have such audacity as to quarve me in public, I remember my chair’s by the wall and no human could’ve been behind me so I look down and the rat looks up at me and time stops….
Now I don’t know who was more afraid, the lecherous rat or the innocent girl getting her ass tapped in public by a furry animal! I screamed and jumped up and gesticulated and checked my butt to makesure it was all there and screamed again and basically jumped around like I was dancing alanta in ways only a drama queen could understand!
Needless to say, I was the center of attraction. All eyes were on me. Most were alarmed, others were amused. My friends looked around for the rat and I could see the relief and obvious amusement in their eyes. There was no rat in sight and they were first of all thankful it wasn’t a snake and then secretly wondering if I’d imagined it. Anyway K calmed me down and I changed my seat. A l’il alcohol helped my nerves and soon I had stopped checking though I couldn’t help glancing at my butt from time to time.
T suggested we go to the indoor bar as she thought the cool air and change of environment would be good for me. When we got into the bar, I was quite impressed. It had a Lagos club look and I fell in love with the Bob Marley posters that adorned the place. T had to make a phone call and stepped out and K still had this twinkle in his eyes. I knew he still doubted the ‘horny rat’ story! Anyway, karma’s a b*tch! We had just ordered our drinks and I was busy cursing Sunderland under my breath for scoring the first goal when K exclaimed. Anita sheeettt! There’s something in my trouser!
I looked on in awe as he jumped up and did ‘the dance’ and lo and behold a black beetle fell out of his right trouser leg!
At this point I’d like to pause and laugh at K! Hahahahaha!
He had no trouble believing my rat story after that! The beetle was big and black with sharp-looking mouth parts, almost like the scarab beetles in the hit movie ‘The Mummy’. K was shaking like a leaf in autumn and taking swig after swig of his big stout in an effort to calm his nerves and all eyes in the room were on him and the dying beetle struggling to call 911!
The beetle was in bad shape cos K had stomped on it several times like he was doing the MFM prayer, ‘Die Die Die!’ It obviously shook him up! How I wish we were in Jand, we’d be millionaires by now. Would’ve sued the pants out of the hotel. Anyway here in Akure nobody even apologised and the bartender refused to sweep away the offending beetle since it wasn’t his job so the beetle stared at us in pain, wiggling its l’il legs for mercy for the remainder of the evening!
Totally distracted me from the Chelsea game and you could hear me mutter from time to time, ‘I’ll definitely blog about this!’
So here I am blogging and asking myself what would’ve happened to poor K if the beetle had traveled farther north in his trousers and if he’d been forced to strip with a bunch of strangers and camera phones on standby! It also made me ask myself if the rat would ever try to finish the transaction, #shiver! I hope not! My mind went to Nutty professor part II where the white dude got raped by a guinea pig and I almost puked into my glass of irish cream!
Anyway all is well that ends well. T found it hard to believe but the beetle was evidence in itself. She kept looking around in case hers was coming!
Gosh I’ll miss this town, even the animals are lining up to say goodbye!
Shout outs to K and T the only ones I know who believe this story 100% cos they were actually there!
Your service year ain’t over till the animals throw you a send-off party!
Have a lovely night peeps, 7 days till POP! Xoxoxo