Clubbing in akure? Joor oh!

02 Dec

Family Guy

Okay so nysc is gradually coming to a close. (Can I hear someone say halleluyah?!!) And in the spirit of things I’ve tried to have fun but I really couldn’t stand my local peeps nagging me about not really tasting the town cos I refused to go against my ‘no night life’ policy!
Oh well…needless to say, they wore me down with their nagging so armed with my partner-in-crime B and our shared husband cum knight in shining armor ‘H’, we decided to boldly go where no right thinking Lagos girl should!
We decided to go clubbing!
We hatched an elaborate plan backed by adequate permission from our respective okos and an agreement with our gateman (name withheld. Ok, truthfully name not known!), to sleep with one eye open and all that was left were some selzy dresses, do-me stilletoes and we had H singing ‘ole ku’ as he drove out of our house.

First stop was First Victoria, a hotel that had a friday night club and DJ. Place was deader than Ikoyi Cemetry so we drove away at top speed. Next stop was D-17. A popular bar at Alagbaka. The happening part of Akure town. Shout outs to ‘I’ the cutest waitress this side of the sahara! Anyway we got there and at first couldn’t see past the drunk yahoo boys dancing on the road. Ok in all honesty the B.O hit us first. H looked at us begging us to form chick and get back into the car but we smelt excitement, amidst the BO and we weren’t giving up so easily. Besides we were supposed to meet my friend K and his entourage at the bar.

We decided to walk into the club hoping it’d be sane since all the guys where dancing and chilling at the outdoor bar/parking lot!
Big mistake!!!
In my 26 years I’ve smelt varying degrees of B.O.
Body odor from mechanics, househelps, people on the bus, misguided school mates and over-religious anti-procter&gamble colleagues but nothing prepared me for this. I choked, I gasped, I choked again and then the massive explosion sucker-punched me and I staggered.
I opened my eyes hoping the smell wouldn’t blind me and the place had only 2 or 3 people. How were they coping or did they have recalcitrant allergic rhinitis? Or were they the chief producers, marketers and distributors of the smell? I ran out as I pondered those thoughts lest the smell stuck to my clothing. Wasn’t sure my CK perfume and Sure bodyspray would win the war against this chemical or should I say biological warfare!
So we joined the party-hungry masses outside and ordered some drinks. The DJ was on point mehn and soon I cast H my favorite puppy dog look begging him to dance since he’d already announced that there was no way he was dancing in a parking lot with car headlights being the only source of illumination. While he struggled between self pride and puppy dog eyes, a guy got into the car parked right in front of us, one of the cars providing light for the street-club and he revved it. First of all that guy, “Shey you know all of us don curse you for pidgin? Mtchewww.”
Secondly I only cursed small cos the thick exhaust smoke made H jump up like a man possessed, grab my hand and head right for the makeshift dancefloor!
We had fun there. Raw, rugged, razz fun. Fun I shall deny when in lagos big chick mode!
We heard there was a real club some miles away and H said he’d driven there once and may be able to find the place so off we went!

The name of the club was ENVY! Nice name huh? After getting lost several times and almost being trampled by some mad cows with their sleepy aboki we finally found the place.
The outside looked ok. There were big bouncers at the door. Hmmmm. We entered and decided to go to the V.I.P section. The DJ too was on point but we didn’t stay long at VIP. In akure, VIP means no space to dance and you sit and watch feeling like gbogbo bigz boys like Don Jazzy. We wanted to dance so after sitting for some minutes we went downstairs.
It didn’t take us long to analyze the club’s demographic. There were three sets of guys. The ‘I-be-big-boy-for-akure’ who just sat and stared downstairs. Rather than going to VIP to join the sitting crowd, most of ’em wearing their Ralph Lauren Polo like it was their birth certificate! Then there were the ‘I-know-say-I-be-money-miss-road-but-my-swagger-pass-timaya’ yahoo boys with their fakeness staring you rudely in the face. You can recognize them by the elaborate cheap wine popping and their drunken shouts in yoruba! Ami-ohun dripping out of their mouth with every word.
Then there were the ‘I’m-proud-to-be-a-cool-agbero’ guys. Who just danced and just didn’t care. The female demographic was easier. Two categories! Ho or non-ho!
Like I said earlier the music was tight and both my comrades were great dancers.
But in a couple of minutes after saying No to countless offers to go home with some rough-looking man whose eyes alone could give me herpes, I realised that B and I were the only non-hos at the place.
Big ups to H who spent the whole night protecting his wives. The boys weren’t buying the ‘I’m an Oba and they are my two wives story’ and beefed him for bringing the best looking hos to the club and refusing to share.
Oh, I almost forgot to add that the airconditioning was off for the entire night at the club. There were puddles of sweat on the dancefloor and as for the B.O, our noses must have given up at some point. Management at Envy, what’s up with that?
We had fun nevertheless. Danced and danced till about 2am when a drunk guy from demographic 2 almost fought H cos he wanted him to at least release one chick! We left the club high on adrenaline and thankfully didn’t meet any cops on the road or robbers! We got home safely, narrowly missing the trigger-happy vigilantes, our thirst for night life thoroughly quenched.
‘Twas a great night. One to remember. My hair was sweaty, reeked of cigarette smoke and ?B.O and was utterly ruined but it made my hairdressers day as I grudgingly parted with part of my allowee. My clothes discarded in a heap to be disinfected later.
Had fun. Akure night life can’t be compared to Lagos but there’s something fascinating about the rustic lifestyle. Don’t get any ideas! I ain’t staying after NYSC! Heaven forbid such.

Have a great day peeps! Guess what? Tomorrow we get to say TGIF and christmas is coming soon! 😉 I’m on call this weekend but I mustn’t complain. Xoxoxo


Posted by on December 2, 2010 in Akure Chronicles


Tags: , , ,

5 responses to “Clubbing in akure? Joor oh!

  1. luyi

    December 2, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    U had fun at the end. 3 different categories of fun.

    • nitarules

      December 2, 2010 at 6:40 pm

      Care to outline the three categories of fun? 😉

  2. Purple Knight

    December 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    H did a good job of protecting his wives. . . lol. It can’t be easy for the lone rangers out that night, looking for something soft to hold. Me sef go beef am if I dey der!!!

  3. Count MI.3aine

    January 15, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    Lasgidi gbo! Gbo!! Biggs girl NYSC Akure clubb’n experience.
    Interest’n ain’it?…..

  4. general kc

    January 20, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Seems u had fun at last. Had a similar experience in akure, was a direct of fun. What made it so bad was the fact that I drove all the way from Ondo town. D17 was very disappointing, after all the hype. Is that how the place is in the evenings too? And what’s dancing outside in d parking lot. There were 2 categories I could ‎​​ there: yahoo boys and secondary school boys and girls. I saw one fine girl there though but I could swear she was 14yrs. Yeah she was big and all that with big boobs and so on but her age couldn’t desert her. Does the waitress ‘I’work at nite too? I really wanted to see her, u told me about her beauties earlier on so I wanted to ‘behold the beauty’ myself. I tried several other clubs dat night (infact na dat I sabi d whole of akure). Went to one at ijapo estate, and they told us the club starts by 2am. What’s dat? If it starts by 2am, then when will it end? We ended up there anyway by almost 2am(after goin to several others). At all at all na em bad pass, we thougt. Very disappointing. Not to mention all those fake pharmacists who had been promising me fun in akure but ended up desertin me. I’m so angry now. Thought I had forgotten the experience but u reminded me. Why didn’t u take ‘F’ with u? It would hav been fun. Who’s ‘H’? GSK?


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