Have you ever received an sms that ruined your day? No not a break up text or a text from your landlord telling you your rent is due but a text from the bank telling you your cheque bounced!
For those who have experienced it several emotions come into play:
First your phone beeps and you smile, it must be my sweetheart missing me or my Alhaji telling me his wife has travelled or a stupid message from zain or a babe sending a text to say she no want do. Whatever it is, someone just spent 15naira so let’s see.
Then you see it’s from the bank and as you click on it, you wonder. Could someone have stolen my atm and withdrawn money? Or is it one of their useless alerts or my maga don pay?
Nothing prepares you for the message…
It comes in different forms depending on the bank but the information passed na the same:
“Abeg come collect your rubbish cheque joor, the thing don bounce! Na who tell you say money dey for that account? Mtchewwww!!!”
Yes, no matter how politely the message is composed, it registers the same way!
Am I the only one that looks forward to the end of the three-day clearing period, unable to sleep cos of endless mental calculations on how I’ll spend my money?
Those shoes I saw at Fashion empire, that dress at Collectibles, those jeans from Yaba, some binge eating at Chicken Republic, Y’s money for aso-ebi and bridal shower! Chei!!! All my dreams up in smoke!
I fit kill somebody oh!
Na who write me that cheque?
Abeg come answer your papa name!!!
So here I am, broke, disillusioned and slightly confused. Wondering if the person that issued the cheque has carried all his load and family and left town.
I try his number, o.k it’s still ringing.
“Oga how far now? Kilonshele?”
“About the cheque, my secretary made some mistakes. No vex, go to the bank and pay it in again!”
Chick like me, definitely not looking forward to going back to the bank and I was even flirting with the guy when I paid it in! Oooooh!!!
So what do I wear?
Do I dress like I don’t need the money, just in case one aggravated female tellar tries to diss me or should I dress like a typical civil servant afterall na government money and na them fall my hand???
On getting to the bank, the doors do shakara for a while before they let me in!
Haba these doors are getting worse than airport security, before long we’ll be removing our shoes!
I swear in pidgin!
As I enter the bank, my walk of shame begins.
Why does it feel like everyone’s looking at me?
Is it my mind or did I just hear someone whisper; “On top her designer bag, she no get kobo for bank, na bounced check she come collect!”
I realise I don’t know where to go.
Banks why don’t you have a big signboard that says “if your cheque bounced, go to room 11 to collect it” so that we can stylishly read the sign and locate room 11 with minimal embarrassment.
Nooo….they prefer open shame!
I walk over to the customer service desk where ten other people are struggling to get the woman’s attention! Is this a bank or oja, I wonder. She looks very irritated and I’m abit afraid.
After standing there for a few minutes and seeing the crowd thin out, she looks up at me and says “can I help you?”
I tell her my problem and I swear the look on her face would have gotten her sued in another country! She repeats ‘bounced’ enough times to attract the attention of her colleagues and some aproko customers and as I walk away barely remembering her description, I thank God I’m not caucasian or even fair-skinned cos omo, my cheeks feel like they are on fire!!!
When I get to the office, I wait hours for a man whose gone on lunchbreak! Biko did he have to go to market first to prepare the meal?
When he finally arrives, he makes me sign in three places, for security reasons he says! Like anyone would go to the bounced cheques section of the bank to steal a cheque! *rolling my eyes*
I go back downstairs and pay the cheque, quite unfortunately to the guy I was flirting with last time I came to the bank!
He’s a bit surprised at my sour mood and makes a joke about government workers and bounced cheques. I didn’t laugh!
At this point I’d love to say, my money was delivered three days later and I was able to put the ordeal behind me but no be naija we dey? The cheque bounced two more times!
By the third time I’d become a regular in the bounced cheque department!
By the time the money was finally paid, all the things on my to-do list were either sold or expired!
I even had to change banks for a while so that they could forget my face!
I paid in a new cheque on monday, rumor has it that everyone’s cheques bounced. I’m sitting here silently begging God to spare me the ordeal. I keep glancing at my phone, the last text I got, got my heart racing but it was only a text from one runaway admirer.
Abeg help me beg God and beg the Federal Government. I bounce all bouncing cheques by fire!!!
Have a great day peeps, xoxo