Kissing is defined as the act of touching with the lips, with or without tongue! It is generally a sign of affection or desire but not always as there have been ‘kisses of death’ like a vampire’s kiss, ‘kisses of betrayal’ like the one Judas Iscariot gave Jesus, ‘kisses of disease’ like the mosquito’s malaria-laden kiss and the kiss my friend D got from a girl in which there was transferance of vegetable and remnants of half-chewed eba! Ewww!!! There’s also the ‘kiss of life’ aka mouth-to-mouth respiration during CPR.
Thankfully I haven’t experienced all the types of kisses just majorly French, German and the close-mouthed variety as well as being occasionally courted by Mr Mosquito, a very persistent and amorous toaster but I wanna tell you about the kiss that’s supposed to change every woman’s life and announce the beginning of her sexual history….The First Kiss!
Many girls have told horror stories of having their lips chewed, having to drink copious amounts of saliva, having their noses sucked during the supposed kiss, needing to put plaster on their lips after a rather ferocious kiss, bad breath, beer breath, fufu breath, long tongues, short tongues and cases of choking all in the name of a kiss a.k.a chopping of lips! For most of them it was a huge let-down and a far cry from the ground moving, earth-shattering experience described by Mills and Boons novels. Mine fortunately is a memory I remember without having to run to the bathroom to puke!
Many people have given various accounts of my first kiss and I’d like to tell the paparazzi and my family members to stop this defamation of character.
I agree that my mother would ordinarily have won the award for first kiss but since it’s a known fact that all mothers have been disqualified from the competition, I shall not claim a new world record of first kiss given at birth!
I state categorically that though I liked B and crushed on him from primary two to primary five and held his hand sometimes in primary two, I did not kiss B under the table at breaktime! B can testify to that, we were looking for my eraser!
Also for the purpose of clearing my name, if my cousins A and A2 do not stop spreading rumors I shall have them assassinated!!!
This is their version of the story, just so we are clear about the gravity of their crimes:
They accused me of walking over to them when I was about 7years old and saying in Betty’s british accent, ‘Please sir, would you like a cuppa tea? Whatever that takes’ (Betty was the unfortunate wife of Frank Spencer, my hero in the sitcom ‘Some mothers do have ’em) and when they said yes, I’d run after them till I caught them and I’d kiss them! Ewwwwww!
Like Bill Clinton, I take a stand as I honestly do not remember the incidence!
In all fairness, I did like singing; ‘Georgy pudgy pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, Georgy pudgy ran away!!!’
My smart brain figured if a boy kissed me I’d cry but if I kissed him, all was well!
I went to a girl’s only secondary school so kissing was an action fantasized about in my head, re-lived on the pages of the romance novels I read and practised on an orange as Teen Magazine suggested!
I didn’t get to kiss a real person till year one…
M was fine, with the face of John Legend and the body of Johnny Bravo and he made me laugh. He’d been sending me love letters all the way from his school in Ijanikin to my school in Yaba, one a week for almost two years! I was a regular customer in the staffroom where incoming mails were filed. I bought loads of stamps and my letters always looked like this;
How are you? Hope you’re fine. School is boring. I got your last letter. You are a bad boy! Why would I tell you the color of my pant? Guess! Ok, I’ll give you a hint. It’s one of the three primary colors! Are you coming for interhousesports? What house are you in school. Miss you a l’il.
Take care M.
And every week in my best hand-writing, I’d write to M and walk all the way to the post office, buy 2naira stamp and post the letter. Thank God for technology. I could always see the smile on the face of the man I bought stamp from anytime he sighted my perfumed envelope covered with pink kisses. I’m sure my mum wondered who was always stealing her lipstick!
M regrettably stopped sending me mails when he got into university, afterall I was only a secondary school girl and I dreamed of joining him in university as we had unfinished business, I didn’t walk all the way to the post office under the hot sun only to be robbed of the fruit of my labor! He had featured countless times in my fantasies riding on a horse, coming to save the princess and I always got my kiss!
My first night in UNILAG was strategically engineered! I was new in school and it was his birthday so I begged my mom to let me sleep over in school. He invited me to his birthday party and I had fun though my mind kept scheming how I was gonna upgrade to ‘kissed girl!’
Around 10pm, I walked coyly to him and told him I was sleepy and it was past my bed time that could he drop me at Newest Hall. My friend J who’d tagged along insisted on coming too despite my pleading eyes and the mostly tactless vigorous way I shook my head. I thought she’d stay longer since she’d been chatting with an almost-cute guy. She’d been kissed before so I wondered why she wanted to put sand sand in my garri! Anyway she came along for the ride and thankfully took her leave as soon as we arrived.
The moment of truth finally arrived!
We talked about ‘the weather’ for a few minutes and then we laughed about our weekly letters and then he said I looked really pretty and then I saw the look in his eyes!
Over the years, I’ve seen that look countless times amongst various species! A hen gets that look and starts running for dear life while the Cock hotly pursues! Goats, Lizards, Dogs all have the look. A look that says ‘Come to papa!’
I should have run for dear life but I wanted it too.
I closed my eyes and it happened!
A soft gentle kiss that gave me butterflies and made my heart beat embarassingly! I was sure he could hear the thudding. I’ve often argued with myself whether it lasted for half an hour or ten seconds, it sha felt like an eternity. I closed my eyes, then I opened my eyes so that I could remember the moment. I kissed him back with all the expertise I’d acquired from my brief affair with an orange and when it was over he told me I was a great kisser and I flashed him my 100Megawatt smile.
As I left the car, I realised I had a big problem. Not a hard-on, nope, thankfully we women are spared the embarassment but walking was virtually impossible! My knees were weak, my pulse racing and I staggered like a drunk man into the market place called Newest Hall.
As I struggled up the stairs, head reeling, eyes glazed over, I could hear the whispers…’She must have done an abortion’, ‘Maybe she’s drunk’, ‘Is she ill?’.
Nooooo she’d been kissed.
My friends were a bit envious that my first kiss had been so great, guess the patient dog gets the fattest bone sometimes!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of dangerous kissers, salivery kissers and bad-breath kissers but they are incidences I’d like to keep forgotten!
Here are some tips for being a great kisser;
1. Don’t eat amala and efo right before you kiss a girl
2. Kissing is not an initiation ceremony, I do not want to be your spit-brother, neither am I thirsty!
3. Brushing your teeth is essential, even the dentists say so! Buy peppermint if your mouth makes people faint!
4. If I choke on your tongue and die, what will you tell my mother?
5. HIV isn’t spread by kissing but they weren’t anticipating you’d bite my lips and draw blood!
6. If I don’t pick your calls after you kissed me, you are a bad kisser!
7. If there’s chemistry and I’m available, don’t kill the mood by asking first ‘Please ma, can I kiss you?’
8. If you are wowo or not sure the chick can stand you or even likes you, ask first oh before you get a dirty slap that you’ll never forget!
9. Don’t kiss and tell oh or I’ll tell my version of the story and no one will wanna kiss your smelly mouth ever again!
10. A holy kiss doesn’t involve tongue!
So people I proudly declare today: ‘World kissing day!!!’
Have a wonderful day peeps! Xoxo 😉