Recycling became popular a couple of years ago in a bid to preserve the earth’s fast dwindling resources.
People started recycling rubber, plastic, paper, glass and a whole lot of other stuff. Even shit gets recycled as manure!
But nigerians weren’t buying into this new fad. Who has the time or the energy to seperate trash? We don’t even take the time to locate a bin when we wanna dispose trash but hey I’m not here to lecture you, I’m sure nigerians have reconciled themselves with the fact that our part of the earth will be the first to be vaporized when the ozone layer finally says adieus! Anyway the rapture should have happened by then if we are to take my pastor’s predictions seriously. But before we give ourselves a red ‘F’ in the recycle department, let’s congratulate ourselves on the few things that we Nigerians are most prepared to recycle!
1.Recycling bad money:
The other day I was so pissed when the atm gave me some one thousand naira notes that were sure to disintegrate in my wallet! They were worn, torn, old, faded and cellotaped in various places. I’m sure if they could talk, they’d tell about the rich and full lives they had lived and how they just wanted to join their ancestors in peace but CBN said ‘No! I’m not gonna let you go, keep doing CPR we must not lose any of them!’
At work I started asking around for anyone who wanted to pay money into the bank but everytime they saw my handicapped notes they turned up their noses and haughtily declined without so much as touching them lest I said it was in their hands the money finally died! Even the petrol attendant refused it. Kai! Eventually I had to brave the scorching Ondo sun and join a queue that had 50 disgruntled, sweaty people waiting to pay money in, just to be able to pay the 3 notes into my account. I dared the tellar to reject the money afterall it was their bank that had given out such valueless currency! Everyday we reject naira notes that CBN is intent on recycling but then in his defence, Lamido Sanusi is contributing in his own little way to saving our planet!
2. Recycling chewing gum;
Now you can deny it if you wish, but the average Nigerian woman recycles gum and this is a learned behaviour first developed in childhood. I remember spending a weekend at my cousin’s house when I was really young and we had all bought 50kobo worth of sprint chewing gum. My older cousin had declared a competition to find out who would chew the gum for the longest so we chewed and chewed and chewed. We were a whole bunch of kids about 7 of us all stuck in one house for the holidays and one could easily tell whose parents had taken out the time to teach them how to chew gum and which of the kids had learnt from market women. By night time our jaws were sore, the gum was tasteless and 2 cousins were out of the game! One had accidentally swallowed his when drinking water and the other swore the gum had melted in her mouth! During meals, we’d put the gum on the side of our plates and as soon as we finished eating back into our mouths it went! By night time my cousin suggested we stick ’em on the walls and resume chewing in the morning! Now we faced a dilemma in the morning cos no one could remember which one was theirs. My cousin bent on winning took the first one and stuck it in her mouth. We gladly crowned her the winner! Today women can still be seen at restaurants with gum stuck to the side of their plate, sophisticated working women with brazilian hair and fake accents but what you don’t see is them snatching up the gum in a flash and sticking it back into their expensive mouths. Noooo only the waitress or waiter actually notices that move. Women recycling gum is good afterall why waste another 200 bucks on a new pack of orbit! 😉
3. Recycling boxers!
I think it’s high time we spoke to the men. Women change our panties everyday but what is it with men and recycling boxers? I’ve known men who wore one pair of boxers the entire week and still had the audacity to sag their trousers! Do they actually think nature has made them immune to P.O? Pubic odor is a killer and though it doesn’t announce your presence like B.O it’s just as disgusting! I knew a girl in school who talked about how she wanted to get frisky with a guy she’d been crushing on all year and when the moment finally presented itself they tore at each other in a frenzy. As she bent down to pull his boxers off, she said the smell hit her like a suckerpunch from Mohammed Ali and she fainted. While we all didn’t buy the fainting story, amidst our uncontrollable laughter my mind wandered off to a guy who’d tried toasting me in year 3. He was a good guy, great prospects, said and did all the right things. One day he’d come to visit and a healing occured! I had been suffering from my famous migraines and he’d in a gentle and romantic manner asked me to put my head on his lap! As I ‘heard the smell’ of his crotch as one of my househelps used to say, my head had barely even landed when I screamed, ‘It’s a miracle, my migraine’s gone! Praise the Lord!’ He was genuinely happy for me, even joked that his laps did the trick! I guess he wondered why I kept wincing and squinting from time to time for the rest of the evening! Guys it is totally uncool and positively ew! to have a smelling crotch, change your boxers regularly, I’d say everyday but I don’t wanna kid myself. If you don’t, women’s lib may start a new revolutionary movement were women don’t ever wash their panties afterall what a man can do, a woman can do better!
4. Recycling relationships!
There are three parts to this form of recycling, none of them have been proven to protect the ozone layer!
I. Recycling babes;
A woman will not so much as be seen hanging out with her ex boyfriend’s friend before they say the guy’s sampling her or she’s being passed around.
Guys have been known to sit around drinking beer and comparing notes about a woman they all admire, now that’s normal!
‘I liked her boobs, omo the twins had me never wanting to leave’ ‘Yes but you check out that her arse? She dey make me catchy coooold!’ But what is abnormal is comparing notes about a girl’s ability in bed. My goodness, isn’t it a little weird that you and your friend have both sojourned to the same promise land? It’s just recycling they say, ‘We wanna keep it in the family!’ ‘We are friends we share everything!’ Chei!
II. Recycling guys;
Nowadays it’s every woman’s mantra that good guys are hard to find but what is more surprising is the number of women ready to date their friend’s or sister’s ex boyfriend! Guess they figure they can do a better job at it and besides he treated their friend well before she messed it up so why can’t the saga continue with them as the lead actresses? Chances are he won’t treat you better and he’ll probably go for it so he can boast about having had two friends in his bed afterall that is called a ‘sequential manag-a-trois!’ I know a good man is hard to find, I know you are a protector of natural resources and trying to preserve the richly endowed male specie is your life’s work but what happened to pinky swears and friendship codes and the morality of the subject? What happened to the enemy of my friend is my enemy and the enemy of my enemy is my friend? Guess shit happens, my brother’s friend used to say people recycle mess (farts!) Somoene messes, you wrinkle your nose at the awful smell but you still inhale a little of it, soon your stomach starts to rumble and you erupt with a stinker of your own! Sounds like a good analogy ay? 😉
III. Recycling your exes
Okafor’s law states that if you have been involved with a girl for a period of time and did a good job in and out of the bedroom (mostly in..), you can always go to the girl at any given time and sleep with her again no matter what situation arises (breakups, different lover, etc..) Or as my friend would say, Once de be always de be! It’s definitely a form of recycling many are willing to do! I was talking to one of my male friends and he compared doing your ex to picking up a girl at the club and taking her home for some wild drunken sex. In the morning he’d wake up confused, with a banging headache, naked and with a stranger who looked hideous in daylight trying to snuggle up to him while her hair reeked of smoke! He always ran as fast as he could! With an ex, he explained. You meet her somewhere she’s looking fly, you remember how you used to stroke her hair and the way her hips move damn!!! You guys end up having sex and after the climax, you count to ten and as you say ten she opens her mouth and says the dreaded words; ‘What are we doing? Are we back together?’ We both agreed that if she walked away without a word, she’d be doing a form of reverse psychology as the guy would wonder why he didn’t have a lasting effect on her and men love a challenge but maybe my friend agreed to that option cos the average man without difficulty can separate his emotions from Mr Dante’s needs hence the sad fact that Okafor’s law benefits the guy’s mostly!
There are many fishes in the ocean, stop recycling fish!
5. Recycling food;
As students and corpers, we’ve all tried to recycle food at some point, guys more than girls! I always prided myself on being a butty when it comes to food. Only the best was good enough for me at every meal but one day I made this great pot of ogbona soup with assorted meat and in my excitement miscalculated how much garri I needed. I ended up with a bowl of eba that could feed a small family and yet my table had been set for one. I graciously invited the other corpers to eat but that was one of the days when every one was forming full! Guess it was because I always turned down their food offers too. Well I couldn’t be bothered with the politics involved with sharing food cos I had a brainwave! I took as much as I could eat and dumped the rest in the freezer. The next afternoon as there was no light I decided to steam the eba in a pot of water. It was still looking weird an hour after steaming so I poured some hot water into it. Needless to say, it was a wasted venture and I left it for the goats that cohabit my house as we all know goats are not picky eaters. That ended my recycling of eba! I wonder why it didn’t work for me, I’d heard it was quite common to recycle eba, maybe I did something wrong 😦
We’ve all recycled stuff in our own way, managing and re-using is ingrained in our culture. It may not necessary lead to environmental sustainability but it serves it’s purpose-sometimes!
Today I urge you to recycle only the right products. Things that will preserve the ozone layer of our hearts and mind.
Keep Nigeria Clean!
Have a lovely day peeps! Xoxo