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#Dear Future Husband

23 May

 My one&only husby,

I’m hoping you read this but even if I haven’t met you, I know I will soon. We’ve all been waiting for you for a while now. What’s keeping you? Was your flight delayed or are you too busy making our millions? My aunties keep asking, my mum keeps praying and even my father has a look in his eyes these days like “Oh girl, how far? Wetin dey happen?” I used to tell them you were on the next bus coming into town but then I realised that my future husband would have a car and not just one of those that went toh-toh-toh with thick exhaust fumes and body-odor laced wind-conditioning. Also he would not be a johnny-just-come so brothers in the village or who recently moved to town please do not see me in a vision or ask pastor about me.

My dear husband, tribe is not important but surnames are important. I don’t want our kids teased in school. If you cannot pronounce your own surname without gulping air, I suggest you get a new one. Also if your parents named your nephew Victory-over-satan or Hygienius please inform them that they will not be naming our kids. I heard about a woman whose Mother-in-law gave her kids horrible tribal marks while she was at work. May I inform you that if that ever happens, I will sue! I want bright kids so if you are an average-joe, I suggest you up your game and get a Ph.D so you don’t have to lie to your children that you came first in school.

Smelly, hairy arm-pits are disgusting, I want to be able to smell your pheromones without choking. I like CK euphoria, please make it your primary scent, especially when you want me to give you some after a long day…it makes me all warm inside! I hope you are not one of those men who don’t flush toilets. Your shit ain’t one of the seven wonders of the world and I couldn’t care less if it took you ten minutes to get it out. I will not applaud the feat and the sooner it’s forgotten the better for us all. If in your single days, you and your friends thought it amusing to entertain yourselves with fart of different sounds, duration and concentrations, please note that I am royalty and such behaviour will be severely frowned at. Boxers should not be recycled unless I am out of town! Any funky smell whatsoever would land you sleeping on the couch! And if you think an Al Qaeda beard or a body hairy like a bear is cool or you have to wear boxers a size larger to accommodate all the hair in there and you think it is sexy, then obviously you must have used jazz to get me and I must warn you that my mother is a pastor and I will not visit you in Yaba-left when you finally go mad as punishment for casting a smell um I mean spell upon me!

Now I’ll be second wife to only one entity, football. Not because I’m so crazy about the game but because I figure you can’t cheat and watch football at the same time. So your attachment to your team is inversely proportional to your straying. Yes, about straying…I know you’ll be a CEO or a senior manager one day but my dear husband, female secretaries and PA’s with boobs are a no-no. I also don’t think a house girl is ideal but since I don’t want a house boy molesting my girls, I’m considering hiring a 42 year old female day time house-keeper. Not that I don’t trust you boo but nobody leaves meat around for the dogs to learn self-control with. Also if we are driving by or surrounded by women, I expect you to have tunnel-vision and I should be the only light at the end of your tunnel. I’ll ask you if I’m hotter than Halle Berry every once in a while and knowing how smart and peace-loving the man I married is, his answer will always be an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’.
You are allowed to enjoy your beer though I will not tolerate drunken displays, you are no longer a teenager. If you come home late at night with stale beer-breath and expect me to kiss you without throwing up in your mouth, please make use of the Listerine in the bathroom before any amorous attempts. I do not condone smoking and I can sniff out cigarette smoke a mile away. I really don’t care about it killing your lungs, you are an adult and if you choose to make me a widow early in life, that’s your choice but permit me to remarry. The reason I will not stand you smoking around me is that secondary smokers die first, so if you plan to kill me off, do it in a more ingenious way rather than making me die a long painful death in cancer’s cold grip!
Please be warned that my uncle’s an AIG and so if you are presently a swindler, yahoo-boy or gambler I will hand you over to him without remorse and never bring you food or come see you in jail. I cannot have police coming to my house with search warrants. Have you seen a house after the police search it? It takes days to get it back in order not to mention the neighbors’ gossip. We are a good christian family and I’d like to keep it that way, who knows you may be deacon one day!

Where staying out late is concerned, please make sure you take your key and if you expect any late night loving or a listening ear for your alcohol-induced excited chatter, please come home before midnight. When we argue please do not storm out of the house. Be warned that I’d have locked the door prior to a fight if I notice you are one of those men who run when mad. I don’t want you driving into a tree and killing yourself before I have a chance to apologize and tell you how much I love you. I hear you men like to storm off and head to a beer-parlor where you can drink your beer and calm yourself down when angry. Well honey, there’ll be beer in the fridge and we have a parlor, I won’t intrude, knock yourself out! Please remember that we are on the same team and that the sun must not go down on our anger. Please always remember to fight fair. I will not call you names or bring up a list of your past faults and I don’t expect you to do so either. Also do not under any circumstances hit me or even push me. I am your woman and I bruise easily. I know I did not marry a coward cos what other sort of man would hit a woman? Remember I may be irrational, impulsive and impatient sometimes but you are still my protector. Don’t make me learn karate!!!

Please do not be a one to three-minute-man. I will not fake the big ‘O’ so that you know when exactly you are not getting it right. I will try most things but draw the line at bizarre. I know men are useless after *** but please muster up enough strength after I tire you out to cuddle me and call me those beautiful names that make me blush before you doze of and try not to snore, it ruins it for me and keeps me tossing and turning hours after you’ve made your grand entry into dreamland.

I will cook any and everything for you as I am an accomplished cook and I know that being a reasonable man, you will not err as long as I keep your tummy, ego and junior well satisfied but I would prefer you didn’t send me to the kitchen to make fufu, starch or groundnut soup. If you have a strong affiliation for those foods that cannot be satisfied with pounded yam and banga soup or eba and edikainkong or semo and egusi soup, I suggest we visit your mother from time to time so you can suck breast but much as I hate the above listed food, I will cook them all day, every day to keep my home. If you ever think the money you give me for food is too much, please know that you will be accompanying me to the market on my next trip for a feasibility study!

Please don’t think that because I haven’t listed the usual ‘ten things I want in a man’, I do not require them. I want a man who stands up for me, one who defends me 100% in public even if he’ll chastise me in private. I want a man who massages me after a long day and doesn’t think it unheard of to give me breakfast in bed more than once a year since I’ll be pampering him 363 days in a year. I want a man who knows how to handle my PMS in a compassionate and kind manner and is patient with my imperfections. I must warn you that I will not be a ‘Stepford-wife’ and I will get on your every last nerve once in a while but I will love you unconditionally, pray for you unfailingly, trust you implicitly, worry about you when you are sick, share all your burdens, take care of our children, stay awake till you come home at night, stay faithful even when you have a gut the size of china and need viagra the same way you need water and still be your number one fan. I’m your woman and I cannot wait for the first day of the rest of our lives….

Come quick!

Yours sincerely,
Wifey!

P.S: I wonder how much DHL will charge to find you and deliver this letter. Have a lovely night my husband, your unborn children say wassup…xoxoxo ;-)

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61 Comments

Posted by on May 23, 2011 in Relationships

 

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61 responses to “#Dear Future Husband

  1. akniyi

    May 23, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    Goodstuff! 10/10

     
  2. kathleen

    May 23, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Horny lonely babe!

     
  3. @deevagal

    May 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    @kent, u are mean! Lol
    I couldn’t have written dis any better cos it just about sums up everything I think about!
    Kudos!

     
  4. ireloju

    May 24, 2011 at 6:52 am

    One question,why does is it that women seem to be the ones desperate to get married when its obvious they make more sacrifices and suffer more in marriage,some of you(my classmates) are giving up your dreams of being surgeons etc to please a fellow who might turn out to be an unappreciative bastard,seriously?I think the marriage contract needs reviewing as it seems to favour one party.

     
    • nitarules

      May 24, 2011 at 7:04 am

      I agree that the marriage contract may need serious reviewing. I know older women who are successful in their fields but are still scorned by society cos they still bear their parent’s names. Makes no sense. Marriage in itself is a good thing but I’d never put my dreams on hold for a man. It puts too much performance pressure on the man. No man/marriage should be made to give you the fulfilment and joy that only God and a sense of self-achievement brings. You appreciate the man you have more when you don’t have to make too many ‘unnecessary’ sacrifices for him. I think I belong to the breed of women who’ll be writers and surgeons and senators with masters and Ph.D’s and the man will probably have to ‘interrupt’ our busy schedules at some point!
      @Kathleen, my most avid reader, because today’s your birthday, I shall not tell the world what or who you were actually referring to when you posted that comment! ;-) ;-) ;-) happy birthday!
      Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

       
    • sush

      June 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm

      o so agree with u ireloju. but som find the perfect man who lets them live their dreams n most women only want to get married in d 1st place n lie dy want som tin else lol

       
  5. olufunlayo

    May 24, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    very hillarious. i love ur post, but the requirements are tough o!!

     
  6. dapxin

    May 25, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    You are patently asking for trouble here, oh! well, Dreams can be therapy I suppose.

    oh wait, am I in that dream ? /wink ?

    I read on /smh…

     
  7. dapxin

    May 25, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    omg! that’s way too original for a doctors head.

    oh! I mean that complimentarily :) yeeeeeeeepa! :_

    My one & only ….*lols* just lols.

     
  8. dbrizio

    May 30, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    My dearest wifey,

    It was wonderful to get ur letter (turns out DHL has a philanthropic bone). I was marvelled @ d amt of wit and humour possessed by my future wife. I know we will have a long and interesting union, the picture of us in old age exchanging witty remarks on d front porch is particularly refreshing. Please tell all your family members I’ll be there before they can say any jaw-breaking name that readily comes to mind. I’m putting finishing touches to our house, I believe you wouldn’t exactly say no to a swimming pool (sorry I didn’t consult you first).

    You did, however, raise some pertinent issues and I think there may be some where a middle ground meeting is necessary. I’ll outline them and hope we reach an agreement for friction-less living.

    The name issue won’t b a problem, I already considered changing it. Not bcos it non-pronounciable , but bcos I av such a large extended family I would hate for our children to lose track of cousins (I already am).

    I also think a little facial hair is cute (I do not have d same views on hair on uda body parts). U know d cute…….I’m over elaborating, u’ll like it wen u see it.

    As for u PMSing, neva mind, I’ll know ur monthly cycle like the back of my hands. That knowledge would enable me plan my monthly biz trips @ that particular time of the month. (Don’t listen to your friends, my story then will b co-incidence, please believe me)

    One very important one is d issue of alcohol. Please sweetie, alcohol is an aphrodisiac. If I come home from the pub, there will be amorous advances. A good way to avoid this will be to sleep in one of d other 9 rooms in the villa. I’ll b too tired to look for u anyway. (The 45-old maid idea is genius).

    We’ll cross the other rivers wen we get there.

    Love
    Future husband.

    PS: your writing was lovely. I enjoyed reading, I enjoyed replying more.

     
    • nitarules

      May 30, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      The DHL guy is sooo getting a tip! ;-)

       
    • sush

      June 16, 2011 at 12:41 pm

      loving ur reply dbrizo, esp @i’ll be too tired to look lol.

       
  9. kathleen

    May 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Best reply ever dbrizio!

     
  10. Dr Sankty

    May 30, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is a mean,mean, mean piece! i have not laughed this hard in a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woowwww! still crying the laugh-tears…mama chutzpah, u don cause wahala in d zanga ooohhhh! lol. great stuff…

     
  11. Dr Henri

    May 30, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    mmmmhhhhhhhhhh….I reserve my comment!

     
  12. illwill

    May 30, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Wow, i had a good laugh now i can go to bed. :-)

     
  13. Tola

    May 31, 2011 at 8:51 am

    my Oga go sack me.. u wan kill me with lauff….

    if am that husband, i go chooooo… lmfao..

    nice stuff tho.. absolutely luv it

     
  14. luyi

    June 4, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Junior and Tummy can’t wait!!!

     
  15. runawayhusband

    June 4, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Wahala dey o. Lol

     
  16. AOT2

    June 6, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    #BreakingNews- Such a man hasn’t been born. Funny piece!

     
  17. kathleen

    June 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Between yesterday and today, I have felt this intense need to communicate with my future husband! Yesterday could really have been better if he were with me! Also, he made me watch the lunar eclipse alone. Wasn’t happy about that!

     
  18. AKT

    June 27, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Chutzpah, u really got some chutzpahhhhh ! I like your piece. Straight out of the heart of a contemporary sista! Lucky you too, DHL was spot on with the delivery, I mean dbrizio must’ve been on his way when the letter got to him.

    So I hope we (the applauding public) will get to, at least , eat pounded yam at the upcoming wedding. Lol.

    But seriously, Chutzpah, your piece takes me to Asa’s song, My man. Looks like you just want your man and you want to be his woman every day. I wish you all the best…

     
  19. teeteelayo

    June 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

    I so love this,lol

     
  20. nnanna

    June 30, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    What a wonderful post dear. Got me thinking about my future wife ;)

     
  21. Tee

    June 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    i think i’m going to get a query at work because of this post.

    i was laughing out loud(somewhere inbetweenPA with no boobs and 42year old daytime house keeper) and my boss had to come check what was making me laugh so hard.Apparently,she didn’t find it funny.She gave me the warning of my life.(never to use office hours for such).

    Anyway,It was an awesome read!glad i came back to read it. gotta go before she catches me again.

     
  22. Ebun

    June 30, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Whao,just discovered ur blog and i love this write up.
    Keep it up

     
  23. coco

    July 2, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Ok, this is soooooooo cool. I totally love it

     
  24. stelzz

    July 3, 2011 at 4:18 am

    very lovely letter;witty and original…you really should be a writer professionally..*wink*#justsaying

     
  25. yemi

    July 6, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    really beautiful write up..and funny too..lol. Pls dont stop writing..

     
  26. ElovesDodo

    July 7, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    *talking like a robot* herrre iii ammm my darrrrrrrling. I am sorrryyy iittt took Microsoft a while to finish configurrring my algorithim, Benz assemble my engine and and parts as your requirrrrements werrrr manyyyy.

    Aiii amm herrre now…what will be ourrr first line of actionnn *%^)_@!^*))( (smoke)

     
  27. Derulo

    July 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Absolutely derilous!

     
  28. seun

    July 8, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Lmao dats funny…also future husband don’t get a gut n get at me about my wieght…I’m willing to work out if u are we are one afterall

     
  29. biola

    July 9, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Wow,lovely piece I must say,am still laffn hard n now ma ribs hurt,choi
    U̶̲̥̅̊ ppl are hilarious

     
  30. doyinzola

    July 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    On a more serious note guys,d fact dt a wonan has to be the one to give up her dreams for the sake of her husband and kids is really unfair especially in this new generation wher the bills are split between the husband n wife.The cultural rules on marriage just favoures the men really…. Well, men made those rules so wt do we xpect really.Nice write up Chutzkpaa,its a very witty piece. I look forward to reading more.

     
  31. Nshina

    July 11, 2011 at 6:47 am

    I really love this piece nitarules.It’s not too much to ask for in our men. dbrizio’s reply is hilarious..nice one guys!!

     
  32. ElovesDodo

    July 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    hmm…..@ Doyinzola, i wont totally agree with your point of her giving up her dream n yer i can see its a beijing affair in the hizzy so i would tread carefully.

    but i have a tiny q tho… how come women r so….manipulative n succeed in finding a way to blame the after of that eva on a guy. not to say that this is alwys negative

    (some ppl manipulate men to be beta men, e.g …”hmm darling.. we cant stay in this house again o.. we have to move..so u have to earn more. *he gets defensive*. ok o, so u want our children to suffer. *now she has his attn*. ok sweetim, i know its hard but we know u can do this, you know u can. oya pls go n earn more. she wins* n he thinks it was all his idea)

    positive or negative effect, manipulation s manipulation. U blv so much in control n having ur way… sometimes it sends d wrong msg like d guy needs fixing, he gets defensive n flares, then whn hes angry, u say *hes a bad person* SHM!!! Guys pls hold ur bone o…

     
  33. doyinzola

    July 11, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Lol….@ Elovesdodo.I dnt mean 2 start up a battle of sexes,I’m just talkin based on wt I have seen happen in ds country where there is so much pressure on women to get married and beacuse of this,so many women enter into marriages dt dey av to fight all their life to stay in because of the prejudices and condemnation that comes with seperation or divorce.
    As for the answer to your ‘tiny q’ Elovesdodo,I won’t use the verb ‘manipulate’ in the sense of the positive manipulation as u wrote.Rather, I will use the verb phrase ‘positive push’.I think women are blessed with the ability to dream big and work towards achieving it if they have the means or positively push their darling and able husbands to achieve the dream.On the other hand,some other women use this innate gift which you call’ manipulation to push their husband to his downfall.
    So u see,Elovesdodo that its a case of good corp bad corp n its up to the men to discern which is which and choose what they want.I hope your question has been answered.
    (How do u guys put smileys coz I really wana add a wink to wt I just wrote! Lol)

     
  34. doyinzola

    July 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Lol….@ Elovesdodo.I dnt mean 2 start up a battle of sexes,I’m just talkin based on wt I have seen happen in ds country where there is so much pressure on women to get married and beacuse of this,so many women enter into marriages dt dey av to fight all their life to stay in because of the prejudices and condemnation that comes with seperation and divorce.
    As for the answer to your ‘tiny q’ Elovesdodo,I won’t use the verb ‘manipulate’ in the sense of the positive manipulation as u wrote. Rather, I will use the verb phrase ‘positive push’.I think women are blessed with the ability to dream big and work towards achieving it if they have the means but if they don’t have the means, they can positively push their darling and able husbands to achieve that dream. On the other hand,some women use this innate gift which you call’ manipulation to push their husband to his downfall.
    So u see,Elovesdodo that its a case of good cop bad cop n its up to the men to discern which is which and choose what they want. I hope your question has been answered.
    (How do u guys put up smileys coz I really wana add a wink to wt I just wrote! Lol)

     
  35. Elovesdodo

    July 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Lol. Just type them in. : + ) = smile and ; + ) = wink n so on…

    N in response, yer I get u. Listened to a sermon by TD jakes n he said men conceive dreams, women incubate dreams. As in the man comes up wv d dream n d woman sorta nurses it to grow that’s y ur wife or gf wld aaaalllwys b on ur case on some dreams uv shared with her

    With that said (not that I agree with u :p ) its good to be positive push. Very. But there s still a thin line btw that n manipulating, wch evn f they “positive push” they still manipulate n try to control 2 der favour

    Manipulate: verb (used with object), -lat·ed, -lat·ing. 1. to manage or influence
    skillfully, especially in an unfair manner (dictionary.com)

    Control: The ability to purposefully direct, or suppress, change. (Wiki)

     
  36. christine

    July 12, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Lovely piece,it jst about sums up all d requirements of a good husband!loooool

     
  37. reme

    July 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    It will be hard to find a man that will go with all of these, never the less is a good piece and I think that is what every woman want

     
  38. babatunde Soyayo

    July 12, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Ave got to confess…this is the best article ave read in a very long time. Totally onpoint.

     
  39. tolani

    July 12, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    This is hilarious. Mean on d part of d wify if I may say but necessary. Whao!

     
  40. bii

    July 12, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Hehehe

     
  41. dr leezle!

    July 18, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Rotflmfao! This is about the most hilarious article I’ve seen
    this year! I feel for the lady though, her last 6 lines before
    ‘Come quick’ were so touching! Eiyaaa, I pray we all make it to marrying
    one who appreciates us. Amen.:-)

     
  42. Oms Omololu Ayeni

    July 18, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Nice one! Any reasonable man should be moved by such words.

     
  43. krystofem

    July 19, 2011 at 8:38 am

    make sense…but luks like d article demand so much of d man nd not even a dime from d woman….totally gender biased

     
  44. lifestylesection

    July 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Future Wife,

    My dear :-)

    I can’t wait to meet you, or maybe I have but I just haven’t realised it yet. The “whole idea” behind marriage seems a bit scary sometimes, but I’m sure you’ll make it easy for me. And of course Mumsi can’t wait to start carrying her children’s children as she keeps ringing in my ear from time to time (part of the scare in the first place).

    I’m a very reasonable guy and I don’t expect you to be perfect as I’m far from it. As long as you’re perfect for me, we’re good to go. It’s not like I won’t expect you to go on ‘unreasonable’ shopping sprees, wear hair from all the continents of the world at the same time (Brazilian, Sri Lakan, Sudanese and all) and etc. It wouldn’t be a problem because I will be extremely rich and handle my business like a real man would. But if you would expect me to respect you, you would have to bring something to the table (and I’m not just talking about cooking/babymaking skills, I’m talking about money). Inasmuch as I would love to spoil you every once in a while, I think it’ll be really annoying if you have to get money from me for every single thing (sanitory pad, weavon etc) and you can forget about the joint account idea because I think that’s just a recipe for marital disaster.

    I’m doing my best not to have a pot-belly (quit drinking beer, watching my diet and all), but if at any point in time you think because you’re hitched you can get away with anything, all I have to say is *yimu*. You cannot have belly as big as mine, and I’m currently undergoing “Six-Pack” training camp so I’m sure you know you have a lot to do. And this is not just about me, it’s about you. I don’t want you getting jealous of any attractive woman you see me talking to because they look “hotter” than you. And you know men age like wine, “the older the better”, so there’s possibility I might be getting attention from lots of women. Also, I want to be able to go Lingerie shopping for you without it seeming like a joke of some sort. I need you to be confident in swim-wear cos we’ll be going to the places like Saint Tropez, and the Carribeans. I need to be able to feel proud about your looks when we go out for an event together. Speaking of events, I am not a member of the “& co” fanclub. I actually really hate it. I’ll bend over a little and wear like colours but definitely not the exact same thing. I think its boring and pretentious (you can kiss it good-bye after the wedding).

    I am not perfect (as clearly stated above). I understand the need for women to gist, discuss, talk, complain, advice and every form of verbal activity that suits an occassion. I’ll be your number one fan and sit in the front row when you need to deliver your speech, but I beg you to carefully pick an appropriate time to render one. Imagine you decide to enagage me in one of your verbal activities 5mins to kick-off of a Manchester United Semi-Final game. That wouldn’t be playing fair (yes I am a ManU fan and I would automatically expect you to convert yourself to one too, in both our interest…lol!). I wouldn’t bring up one of my business/work issues when you’re watching African Magic. Speaking of African Magic, I can’t stand it. Even though I know your habits have formed and it might be too late to make you hate it, our kids will not watch it. (except it’s improved by then sha). I know nagging usually comes with the package, but please try as much as possible to avoid it. It’ll just make me stubborn and ignore whatever point you’re trying to make.

    It’s no secret that the way to a man’s heart is his belly, well mine is two places (no prize for guessing the second). I like good food so it is only a necessity that your cooking should heavenly. I want to run home from work all the time picturing different ingredients and spices laying palatably (mind the grammar) on my tongue to the delight of my humble heart. Yes, there’ll be a cook, and a cleaner but you see, more than half the time, I’ll appreciate if you make my food. I doubt you’ll want Ekaite to discover the roadmap to my heart with her awesome cooking, Please let’s avoid the avoidables. I’ll make out time to cook for you too, maybe holidays and anniversaries. :-)

    There’s nothing I find more attractive than a fashionable woman. I’m a sucker for fashion so it’ll be an added advantage if you love it just as much as I do. But anyways, I doubt I would be attracted to you enough to be married to you if you weren’t in the first place. And when I’m talking about fashion I’m talking about all round fashion, both outdoors and indoors, from Louboutins to Victoria Secret, I’d love if you try to be on point. Particularly, no wrapper tying all over the house, that’ll be epic fail.

    My lovemaking expectations are already hard coded to the back of my heart, head, and every other affiliated organ that you are amazingly wonderful in bed. Adventurous and full of surprises. The first song that comes to mind when I think of our sex life is “Motivation – Kelly Rowland”.. I promise to get us both to the Big ‘O’ as often as possible, but I need it to be memorable. I need us to be as exciting as adventurous as possible. And please you can leave the “Mother Teressa” swagger at the door of the bedroom, or even the house. And you must not be shy to do it with the lights on, and in different locations at least in the house (if not outdoors). And even when we have kids and can’t keep it as active as possible, I expect us to make out time to make it special. Even if for some understandable reason you’re not up to it (which should be rare), you must be a sweet heart and sometimes find other subsequent ways to bring me down.

    I believe you’ll be my number one fan, my best friend and my motivation. I’ll be a whole lot more.

    I have so many other things to talk about but I think I’ll stop here. I’m waiting for you dear, come and complete me sharp sharp before these “money hungry” gehs package themselves like the real deal and fool me.

    I Love You Already,
    Your Husband.

    Check Out:
    lifestylesection.wordpress.com

     
    • Neetah

      July 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

      The DHL guy really must get an award for rising above and beyond the call of duty or maybe just a pay rise… ;-) Nice reply.

       
  45. Nshina

    July 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Lifestylesection..nice one!I enjoyed reading this…It’s the best reply yet.. thumbs up

     
  46. lifestylesection

    July 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Thanks Nshina.. :-)

     
  47. Toyin

    December 6, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Cool.

     
  48. ronie

    October 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Hillarious!

     
  49. omawuri

    October 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    love this…lol…you speak the hearts and minds of a lot of us…hurry up, dear future husband..lol..

     
  50. onyinye

    October 29, 2012 at 5:41 am

    This is absoooooolutely loooooovely!!!!! Please permit me to “borrow” it for my blog.

     
  51. ChiamakaO.

    April 5, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Reblogged this on Yellow Igbo Girl.

     
  52. zaraeni

    April 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Reblogged this on zaraeni's Blog.

     
  53. Nya Elliot

    April 23, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!b!!, this is cool, I wish the man can withstand all this, however we men also have what we need in a lady, all d same, a gud christian home, a home that has a foundation on the word of God can overcome all trouble.
    PS: I love this, ***** so much laugh*** ” I will get on your every last nerve once in a while”: e might not be a type that loves that, so he might send u packing. ” I would prefer you didn’t send me to the kitchen to make fufu, starch or groundnut soup”: u can’t stop a benue or kogi man to mention a few from eating those food, so u must be ready doing it cos u r d wife. ” there’ll be beer in the fridge and we have a parlor, I won’t intrude, knock yourself out! “: drink r enjoy wit friends in d bar. Smart PA is cool, hahahhahhaahhahahahahahahahaha

     
  54. ajreads

    May 13, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Reblogged this on ajreads and commented:
    I thought this was awesome! hope you think so too after reading

     
  55. missdeesdiary

    November 15, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I have ‘facebooked’ it after i saw it on ajreads, lovely piece.

     
  56. kokui

    November 18, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    hahahaha wifey rocks

     

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